ALF (1986–1990): Season 4, Episode 1 - Baby, Come Back - full transcript

When Kate has to unexpectedly go in to work, she has no choice but to leave ALF in charge of the baby. While babysitting, ALF faces a huge dilemma when he goes outside and finds the baby missing.

[baby crying]

Aw! Shh.

Eric, don't. Don't.

Don't cry. Daddy's here.

Look at this face.

Look at this funny face.

A Roseanne Barr impression's
only gonna anger him more.

I'm not impersonating
Roseanne Barr.

Dom DeLuise.

I'm not impersonating anyone.

I'm trying to get
Eric to stop crying.

Have you tried leaving the room?

Ha! Lighten up, Willie, huh?

Borrow a sense of humor, man.

I'm not in the mood
right now, okay?

You want me to get him to stop?

No, no. Sometimes
babies need to cry.

They just need to
exercise their lungs.

Oh, why, that's fascinating.

[baby cries loudly]


[baby laughs]

It's all in the delivery.

If you need me,
I'll be in the fridge.

[theme music]

So you played Tevye's wife
in "Fiddler On The Roof."

Well, if those aren't
babysitting credentials

I don't know what are.

Thank you.


I can't stand it when they cry.

Could you make it stop?


- My husband's with him.
- Okay.

Well, I think I know
everything I need to know.

Thank you so much for coming by.

Oh, if it's the crying thing,
I can wear my Walkman.


And hope you get that part on
"Munsters" today.


[baby crying]

What's for dinner?

Oh, ALF, you just had lunch.

Your dinners
highlight my day, Kate.

But then again, I have no life.

- Any luck?
- No.

You know what I'd love
to have for dinner tonight?

I guess I'm just gonna
have to tell my boss

that I can't show
any more houses

until we get a babysitter.

Pork chops.

Don't worry,
we'll find somebody.

Maybe a nice ham.

You think we're
offering too little?

Maybe we should be paying
more than $6.00 an hour.

Hey, hold it! Flag on the play.

You're paying these people?

I'll do it.

Did you call all
the college papers..

- Of course.
- And every college...

Perhaps you didn't hear me.

Thus, I'll say it again.

I'll baby-sit.

Uh.. No, I don't think so, ALF.

It's nothing
personal, it's just..

Well, I guess it is personal.

Call us crazy, ALF.

Uh, we just feel that

we should have a
human babysitter

what with Eric
being human and all.

Oh, I see.

And have you thought
about what happens to me

while that human babysitter

rummages through my fridge?

What do you mean, "your fridge?"

Okay, it's your fridge.

But the fuzz in the
meat drawer is mine.

When the babysitter's here

you're gonna have
to be in the attic.

Oh, great, prison.

Why don't you just
stick me in a sweatbox?

We're all making
adjustments, ALF.

You're not gonna be
up there all that much.

Attica! Attica! Attica!

ALF, cut the dramatics.

I'm just gonna be
working part-time.

But I've got an instinctive
rapport with kids.

It's a gift that all
Melmacians share.

That and the
ability to suck milk

through our noses. are blessed,
aren't you?

As passionate as your
argument sounds, ALF

the answer's still no.

But why? Why?


Because you're irresponsible.

You trash the house.

You flooded the living room.

You wallpapered the shower.

It was a rhetorical question.

[instrumental music]


Aw, there you go.

There you go.

There you go.

Aw, there's nothing
more beautiful

than the sight of a mother

holding her
freshly-swaddled babe

to her bosom.

Leave my bosom out of this, ALF.

You're not babysitting Eric.

- Any luck?
- No.

No, I've, I've draped him
over my shoulder

I've laid him across my lap

I've bounced him.

Eric just doesn't want to burp.

Hey, mind if I show you a trick?

The last time you
showed me a trick

it took three weeks
for my eyebrows

to grow back.

I told you not to lean in.

Come on, now. At no time will
the baby leave my hands.

Spot him, Lynn.

Hey, Eric, how you doing?

Having a little
gassy backup today?

[baby burps]

Huzza, huzza.

Who was that masked man?

Next case.

Whoo-hoo! Broccoli.

So, did I prove my point?

That could have been
a coincidence.

So when do I start?

By the way,
Thursdays are bad for me.

I do tai chi.

Granted, ALF,
you give good burp

but that doesn't qualify you

to take care of an infant.

Kate, it can't be any different

than taking care of my
younger brother and sister.

And they had 16
stomachs between them

and one bathroom.

Think about it.

[instrumental music]

Oh, ALF would you heat
the baby's formula for me?

What do you need
formula for, Kate?

Tapped out?

Never mind, I'll do it.

And thanks for not
being petty about this, ALF.

Oh, now I'm being petty.

I'm petty and irresponsible.

You know, in time,
this could become annoying.

Now I'm petty,
irresponsible, and annoying.

The mud is being slung today.

[telephone rings]

Oh, hello, Mr. Donovan.

Oh, the property on
Waverly place right now?

Oh, uh, well, gee.

This is not really a
convenient time for..

Oh, that's pretty heavy
wording there, sir.

But I-I don't see
how I could possibly..

Oh, there you go again.

Well, no, no. Of course
I don't want to lose a sale

when it's this close,
it's just that..

Tell him I'll be
there in 15 minutes.

I'd ask you
what you're gonna do

but that would be petty,
annoying, and irresponsible.

Not to mention nosy.

Don't be smug.
I'll call Mrs. Ochmonek.

[imitates buzzer]
Wrong answer.

Oh, I'm sorry.
That was annoying, wasn't it?

They're on vacation.

Um.. Alright,
I'll call Mrs. Carlson.

The woman who stands on corners
and yells at buses?

A wise choice.

Right, right.

Uh, there's Mrs. Applebaum.

Don't you remember?

She's out becoming
Mr. Applebaum.

Oh, that's right.
I forgot to send flowers.

Too late for that.
Send her some aftershave.

Oh, I can't get
a hold of Lynnie.

She's still in school.

I'm here.

Oh, alright, ALF. Will..

Will you baby-sit Eric?

No, I'm busy.

Of course I will,
you silly ninny.

Ha ha!

ALF, listen

all the important
telephone numbers

are right there by the phone.


I will be back in 45
minutes, alright?

In 40 minutes.

Give Eric his formula when
it's warm. Can you do that?

Kate, don't worry. Go.

Do the American thing

and put your career
ahead of your family.

Okay, okay,
I'm not a bad mother.

I love my child.

I love my child.

ALF, I will be
back in 25 minutes.

In 20 minutes.


(woman on TV)
'Charles, where are you?'

'Can you give me a hand
in the kitchen?'

'In a second. I've got a couple
of girls to look after.'

(woman on TV)
'Don't you mean women, Charles?'

Whoo-ho! Pfft!
You low bro.

[baby crying]

Oh, great timing.

I'm coming. I'm coming.

Lets got bail.
He's the next Tony Denzel.


Hey, hey, hey!

What's the matter, little guy?



Sorry, Los Angeles.


Alright, I might
be a little rusty.

First the easy part.

[crying continues]

Number two with a bullet.

Alright, let me just
swab the deck, okay?

The old swabber.

[baby laughs]

There you go.

Yeah, yeah.

Now a, a little powder
under your tush.


Alright, here we go.

[baby coughing]

A little powder under my tush.


Okay, now, a nice, clean diapie.

[baby coos]

Try to keep it that way.

[baby sneezes]

You know, this isn't so bad.

'I know I feel better.'

Yeah, you're a happy guy,
aren't you?

[baby laughs]
Yes, okay.

You amuse yourself

while I bury this bomb.

Clear the area.

Coming through. Watch your back.

I can't believe you
forgot your mitt.

They never play me anyway.

Here, catch.


I'm gonna go get Eric.



Hm! I can't find ALF.

He's probably
somewhere out back.

Hey, sweetie.

Oh! You want out? You want out?

[baby cooing]

Brian, tell ALF that mom called

and asked me to get Eric.

And you might want to take
the price tag off the mitt.

And hurry.

Yes, your heinie.

'I heard that.'

[car horn honks]

ALF, we took the baby!


I'm coming. I'm coming.

[car engine starts]

Well, that should take
care of the pesky gophers.

Eric, I'm back!

Did you have time to reload?





Oh, he's gone!

What have I done?


Well, so much for
keeping my powder dry.


Okay, operator,
then how about this?

The baby got zapped
into a parallel universe!

I've seen it happen.

A crank? Do I sound
like a crank, huh?

[door rattles]

Uh-oh, that must be Willie.

I'll call you right back.

Hi, ALF.

Oh, hi, Willie.

I didn't see you come in.
How was your day?

Mm. Don't ask.

I won't if you won't.

Oh, right. What've you done?

And what's it going to cost me?

Well, you see, Willie,
that's the beauty of it.

In the long-run,
it's gonna save you money.


You mean you did do something?

I may have. I don't know.

That's where you come in.

Where's Kate?
I want her to tell me.

She doesn't know yet.

She jumped off the mommy track

and went to show some property.

Well, who did she
leave the baby with?



So, you wanna split a fifth?

What I want is to..

...check on Eric.

Fine. Go ahead.

But whatever you do,
don't go in the kitchen.


Eric! Eric, you get back
in this dimension

right now, buster!

I mean it. Where are you?

This kitchen's fine.

Now I am scared.

Eric! Eric, are you up here?

this isn't funny anymore.



Oh, hi, Willie.

Whatever you do, don't go
to the Chrysler Building

in New York.

What are you
doing in the chimney?

Well, it has nothing
to do with Eric

if that's what
you're getting at.

Willie! Willie!
Can you get me out of here?


Where is he?

So you don't see him either?

Good. We're finally
getting somewhere.


I don't know, Willie!

He disappeared!

What are you talking about?

I don't know
what I'm talking about!

That's what I'm talking about.

Did you check the house?

Eric, it's dad.

I looked everywhere, Willie.

I'm sorry!

I'm sorry!

I just wanted to do good.

I just wanted to make $6.00.

Alright, let's take this
one step at a time.

When was the last
time you saw him?

When I changed his diaper.

I took it outside to bury it.

When I came back, he was gone.

Is it possible you
took him with you?

Well, it was a
pretty heavy diaper. Could I?

Oh, Lord.



Oh, ALF, give up.

He's obviously not out here.

This is not happening to me.

There's got to be some
logical explanation.


...a dingo took your baby.

It happened to Meryl Streep.

Maybe he was crying, right?

And you picked up and walked him
around to settle him

put him down somewhere
and don't remember where.

Willie, you're grasping
at straws.

I'm calling the police.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

Would it help if I apologize?


Operator, could
you get me 911 quick?

Oh, of course I realize
I could've dialed that myself.

So you can dial it for me.

Which way do you
think will be faster?

Please take control.

Oh, thank you.

And you.

Did they find him?

Uh, I'm on hold.

Oh, what's gonna happen to me?

I'll probably get the chair.

I don't want to die, Willie.

But mostly, I don't like pain.

Hello, 911

I want to report a missing baby.

You've got to find him, please.

H-he's only six months old.

He's out there. He's all alone.

He's scared. He's vulnera..

Can I call you right back?


Stay put.

Hi, honey.

Who was that on the phone?

I have something very serious
to tell you, Kate.

Whatever you do, Kate

don't go to the
Chrysler Building

in New York.

What has he done, and how much
is it going to cost us?

I don't know how to say this.

Willie, what..
Is it my mother?

We should be so lucky.

Sit down.

I can't find Eric. He's missing.
I've looked everywhere.

Oh, honey, Eric is with us.

[door opens]





How come you never
greet me like that?

Oh, Lynn.

Lynn, you wouldn't
believe what happened here.

What did ALF do, and how much
is it going to cost us?

We thought he
lost our little Eric.

It would've cost him his life.

Isn't that the silliest thing?

[baby coos]

Look at this. ALF, he's safe.

He's safe, isn't that wonderful?

Hey, Eric, if I wasn't
doing a good job

you should've told me

instead of hopping the
first dingo out of here.

ALF, that isn't what happened.

I got a hold of
Lynn after school

and asked her to
take Eric with her

over to Brian's baseball game.

I told Brian to
tell you. Didn't he?

Oh, yeah. Obviously he did,
and it slipped my mind.

Oh, my gosh. What you guys
must've gone through here.

Oh, well, I'm just
grateful it's over.

Hey, why don't you tell her
how you really feel, Willie?

Go ahead, give it to her good.

That is how I really feel.

Oh, then while
that dust settles

I'd like to say something, Kate.


Contrary to what
you people must think

I have feelings.

I cried during terms
of endearment.

Although I thought
it was manipulative

it touched me just the same.

You also cried
during "Caddyshack II."

But for different reasons.

Anyway, while you were
out showing real estate

I dropped half my body fluid

not that it matters to you.

Well, I had no idea, ALF.

I mopped it up.

Thank you.

And here's the
real coupe de ville

you fired me without
even giving me

the chance to prove myself.

And this was one
of the few times

I didn't mess up.
Way to trust.

I've been unfair to you, ALF.

Hey, I was doing
a really good job

before you pulled the rug out.

Will you give us another chance?

Not for six bucks an hour

but we'll talk.

[baby coos]

[instrumental music]


[baby cooing]

- Willie, what time does..
- Shh, Kate.

Look at this.

Oh, it's so cute, honey.

You think the day will ever come

that he'll be able to
walk out of here unafraid?

Won't have to hide anymore?

I hope so.
It's what keeps me going.

Come on, let's get
your jammies on.

Let's get your jammies on.
Daddy's going to come, too.

Yeah. Yeah.


Oh, sorry, Eric.

I must've dozed off.



Oh, no! Not again!

What are the odds?

Got to get that kid a beeper.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]