ALF (1986–1990): Season 3, Episode 8 - Turkey in the Straw: Part 2 - full transcript

Pete has called the Alien Task Force. He has been told to keep ALF occupied until Sergeant Fox and his men arrive to capture him. Dead or alive. Will Pete sell ALF out after he's talked with him for a while? Will he?

(male narrator)
On the last episode of Alf..

Thanksgiving on Melmac

wasn't called thanksgiving.

It was called fappiano.

And we didn't eat turkey.

Instead, we sat down

to a nice, big,
juicy, stuffed...

Time out! We know exactly
what you're gonna say, ALF.

And you know that
we find that offensive.

What was I gonna say?

Cat! Big, juicy, stuffed..

I was always partial
to the dark meat.

[instrumental music]

Sweet potato pie?

No, thank you, Ed, uh..

...whatever your name is.

Uh, Flakey Pete.
My friends call me Flakey Pete.

Or Flakey Pete Finnegan.

But mostly,
my friends don't call me

'cause I don't have a phone.

Well, I'm Willie Tanner.

And this..

...this is my garage.

And that's..

...probably your crowbar.

Yes, it is.

And that's my sweater.

Were you..

Were you planning
on...keeping it?

I was..

...until I saw the crowbar.

- I'm not gonna use it.
- Oh, well..

Well, then, I'd-I'd
like to keep the sweater.

'...Dudley. I think
I'd rather sit next to Jake.'

This guy that I used
to take a bath with..


I smuggled you some dessert.

Oh, goody, goody, goody!


What is it?


Rubber vomit.

Pumpkin Jell-O.

I have to get back
to the Ochmoneks.

While Uncle Rocky
is carving the turkey

Mr. and Mrs. Ochmonek
are going to be singing

"Das Cornucopia" from
Wagner Strauss'

"Der Feaster Famine."

It's an Ochmonek tradition.

Well, thanks for the warning.

I'll watch for breaking glass.

Thanks, operator.

Happy Thanksgiving,
Alien Task Force

Sgt. Fox speaking.


I think I've just seen an alien.

What do I do?

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]



There's, uh, no need to pretend.

I'm not...gonna hurt you.

And I'm sure you're not gonna..

...hurt me.


Oh! It's okay.

I'm are you.


Look, I know you can talk.

I heard ya.



I'm a friend of Willie's.

You're that bum who's
been hanging around

our trash cans.

Hey! Huh.

Bums have friends.

How do you know Willie?

I was talking to him just, uh,
a-a, a minute ago.

[clears throat]

About this tall,
glasses, social worker.

That's Willie.

Oh, well, he-he's the one who..

...told me to..

...come in here and..

...keep you company.

Willie told you about me?

Ah, well, not...specifically

which planet you're from but,

...I figure it's a cold planet
because of your fur.

Your feet are suited
to a muddy terrain.

They're probably reddish-brown

so that you'd, uh, blend in.

Your large ears suggest

a thin atmosphere

that doesn't transmit
sound waves very well.

And the big nose indicates
a scarcity of oxygen.


Watch the wisecracks
about the schnoz.

Oh, uh, uh, sorry.
No offense, uh, intended.

It's a lovely schnoz.

Thank you.

Yours is nice too.

Thank you. So, let's see.

I'd, uh, I'd guess
you were from planet..



Oh, you mean Neesbeck.

Hah! There's no
intelligent life on Neesbeck!

How do you know?

I've been there.

Their national bird is dust.

Well, then what planet
are you from?


But don't spread it around,

You can trust me.


You have any idea
what would happen

if people found out about me?

I can't imagine.

Have you ever heard of the
Alien Task Force?

Alien Task...Force?
No, I don't believe I have.

What do they do?

Well, they hunt down
innocent aliens..

...and do bad..

...bad things to them.

How do you know?

Interstellar grapevine.

[singing in foreign language]

[cymbal chimes]


[singing continues]

[high-pitched singing]

[glass shatters]

[instrumental music]

So we're cool about this
alien thing, right?

By the way, name's ALF.

Hi, ALF.

Name's Pete Finnegan.

[telephone ringing]

Uh, Pete..


Your coat is ringing.

Oh, yeah. Uh..

Willie said I-I could, uh,
borrow the phone.

Uh, hello?

Finnegan, Sgt. Fox.

Did you make contact
with the alien?


Uh, nice of you to call.

Everything is fine here.

'Good. We're mobile.
We'll be there ASAP.'

Well, and a Happy Thanksgiving

to you too, mom.

Can it hear you now?

Yes, my friends are right here.

And they're...terrific.

So friendly.

It may act friendly,
but it could be deadly.

I just hope
we can take it alive.


I don't think
it'll be necessary to..

...kill it.

That turkey's been our pet
for years, mom.

That's our call, Mr. Finnegan.

You just keep it occupied
until we get there.


What's his name?


- Your turkey.
- Sgt. Fox.

Oh, he has a certain..

...military bearing.

[indistinct chattering]

I've been so hungry
I could faint.

Dog biscuit?

They're good.

Strike three.

Nice shot, Jason.

Martin and I believe that it's
important to encourage a child

to develop athletically
as well as intellectually.

Off to a good start.

Excellent squash, incidentally.

[theme music]

(Flakey Pete)

The colors are spectacular.

Green sky, orange clouds.

Actually, those colors
should be reversed.

I used one of those cheapo
12-second photo places.

Oh, oh, and this is me and my
buddies in the orbit guard.

The Melmacian orbit guard!

Here's our motto.

"To guard the orbits whether
they need it or not."

- Did they?
- Did they what?

Need guarding.

Well, no, not really.

All we had were minor scuffles.

Name-calling mostly.

Sounds like a...pretty
peaceful place.

It was...until that
pesky nuclear explosion.

Nuclear explosion?

How did that happen?

No one's quite sure.


That's why I left the military.

I just didn't believe
that anything

was worth blowing
up a planet for.

So what did you do
in the military?

Oh, space research, uh, mostly.

Sort of our version
of the orbit guard.

Well, we have a lot in common.

Orbit guards.

Not having a home.

Sweet potato pie.

Are you the one who left
the food out for me?

- Yeah.
- Thanks.

I really appreciate that.
Thank you.

Why did you leave
the milk out in saucers?

Uh...I like cats.

Cats are great.

Over the years,
I've had lots of cats.

Me too.

[telephone ringing]

You ought to get an answering
machine in your pants.

[ringing continues]

[ominous music]


(Sgt. Fox)
'Finnegan, we're about
30 minutes away.'

(Flakey Pete)
'Thirty minutes?'

Gee, ought to let that
simmer for at least, uh, 45.

What did you find out?

Is it armed? Is it dangerous?

Weapons, war, fighting

is that all you
ever think about?

Lighten up, mom.

Okay, when we're
ready to move in

we'll call and
let your phone ring once.

You got that? Just one ring.

That'll be your signal
to vacate the premises.

And we'll take it from there.

How's mom?

Getting on my nerves.

'Hey, ALF!'

Have you seen the peanut butter?

ALF, who's that?

Oh, this is my
new friend Pete Finnegan.

Flakey, this is Brian Tanner

'and Jake Ochmonek.'

You call him Flakey?

Let he who is without flakiness

cast the first stone.

Nice to meet you two.

ALF, you're not supposed to
let strangers in the house.

Relax, Brian, the Flakemeister's
not gonna tell anyone

I'm an alien.
He's a friend of Willie's.

Oh, yeah? You know Mr. Tanner?

Oh, yeah, sure. Very well.

Matter of fact,
this is his sweater.

What happened to your
Thanksgiving dinner?

Uncle Rocky's still carvin' it.

Come on, Brian,
let's go spoil our appetites.

Nice to meet you both.


[instrumental music]

The turkey is delicious, Raquel.

And perfectly sliced.

Turkey is an aphrodisiac.

How is everything over there?

- They're okay, I guess.
- "They?"

ALF and that Flakey Pete guy.

Flakey Pete the bum?

The homeless person?

Yeah, he's over at
your house with ALF.

He said he was
a friend of yours.

We've had a lovely time, Raquel.


Absolutely lovely.

Come on, kids.



Oh, hi, Willie.

- Where is he?
- Who?

Your little alien guy?

If anything, anything
has happened to him

you are gonna be..

Hey, Willie.





- ALF!
- Willie!

- ALF!
- Willie!

- ALF!
- Willie?

We were worried sick about you.

Really? Were you
throwing up and everything?

Well, no, but we're
very relieved you're alright.

Willie, get your camera.

We wanna preserve
this moment of caring.

Never mind about my camera.

What are you doing in the house
with a stranger?


...swapping war stories.

ALF, this is dangerous.

How much does he know about you?

Why would you let him in here?

He's your friend!
And any friend of yours...

He's not my friend!

You two have a tiff?

ALF, haven't I told you this?

- Never, never...
- Oh, lighten up, Willie.

It's Fappiano.

Besides, aren't you always
telling me that..

...under the skin..

...or, in my case, fur..

...or, in Pete's case,
a ratty overcoat..

...we're all
pretty much the same?

A little needy.

A little insecure.

But decent and good.


...ALF is stranded here.

He doesn't have any
place else to go.

I-I know he looks like an alien
to you, but he..

...he's a member of our family.

We-we've got to protect him.

'We can't let anything
happen to him.'

Do you understand?

Yeah. I do.

Could you stay and..

...have a little supper with us?

It may not be much.

In fact, I can guarantee
it won't be much, but..'re welcome.

Well, thank you, but, uh, I
really think I ought to go.

Oh, please, please, please!,
please, pleease!

We've got cold meatloaf
and rubber vomit.

Good news.
There's turkey after all.

Well, uh, turkey franks.

Oh, well, ahem..

...maybe I could stay
for...a minute.

- Please.
- Okay.

Hey, now, Flakeonomy, isn't this
what it's all about?

Good food and good friends.

Well, good friends, anyway.

I'm gonna be in a
Thanksgiving play

at Wallace Park tomorrow.
You can come if you want.

Oh, gee, I think I'll
probably be busy tomorrow.

Wish you could see my play, ALF.

Me too, Brighton Beach.

Uh, oh, wait a minute.

We have a little surprise
for you guys.


Let me guess.
A basket of imported calicoes!

No, it's an empty picnic basket.

An empty picnic basket?
What good is that?

It's especially designed
to enable you to view

Brian's play without being seen.

It was my idea.

Give credit where credit is due.

Aw. You guys are the greatest.

We'll go over your
lines after dinner.

I don't wanna be embarrassed
in front of the other parents.

[telephone rings]

I'll get it.


Hmm, they must have hung up.

Uh, if you'll excuse me

I think I'd better
go wash my hands.

Don't be long, these
turkey franks will be ready

in exactly 40 seconds.

'Alright, let's sing the
Thanksgiving hymn.'

♪ We gather together ♪

♪ To ask the Lord's blessing ♪

♪ He chastens and hastens ♪

♪ His will to make known ♪

♪ The wicked oppressing.. ♪♪

[sentimental music]

[suspenseful music]

Well, ah, ready to go.

What's the setup? Is he inside?

What? Is-is who inside?

The alien.

I'm the alien!

- What?
- Yep, yep, yep.

Yeah, you got me.
I'm from outer space.

[clears throat] be exact.

I wanna thank you guys for
coming on such short notice.

I really appreciate it.

You have a bowl of mercury
I could drink?

I don't believe this.

Another bum looking
for a hot meal.

We missed the end of
the game for this.

Forget it, pal. We've got
your name in our database.

Don't ever call us again. Out!

Roger. Ouch! Ow..

[sentimental music]

Where're you going?
I can prove I'm from Neesbeck.

Our national bird is dust!

♪ We all do extol Thee
Thou leader triumphant ♪

♪ And pray that Thou
still our defender.. ♪

Everything alright?

Everything's great. Thanks.

♪ Congregation escape
tribulation ♪

♪ Thy name be ever praised ♪

♪ O Lord, make us free ♪♪

[gentle music]

We pilgrims are townsfolk.

We know not of the outdoors.

How can we survive
in this wilderness?

Yo, pilgrim.

Oh, he's so cute.

He's ruined my feather duster.

And my best belt.

Who are you?

Squanto the Indian.

The last of the Patuxet.

You speak English?

Many moons ago

I was captured by the white man

and taken across
the great waters

to the old-world.

But I missed my people.

How did you get back here?

I rented a car.


I took a cab.

- ALF.
- I don't remember!

What's important
is that I'm here.

We are so different from you.

Ah, do not be embarrassed

because your skin
is a funny color

and you wear stupid clothes.

The great spirit says

that we're all
brothers under the skin.

And come the next full moon

we will celebrate the
bountiful harvest together.

"And so it came to pass,
there was a bountiful harvest

and reason for giving thanks."

And someday there'll be college
football and department stores

and a parade with a giant
inflatable underdog.

ALF, that's not your cue.

"In 1620, a hardy band of
pilgrims came to America

"in search of religious freedom
and boundless opportunity.

"Since then,
millions have come here

"for the same reasons

from all over the world."

And one from Melmac..

...who crashed into a garage.

[instrumental music]

Well, now, if you need anything,
you got my card.

Oh, thanks, but I'll be fine.

Are you sure you can't stay?

Oh, thanks, ALF, but, no.

I usually spend this time
of year in Florida.

Lots of rich widows
with loose change

and full of the holiday spirit.


- Goodbye, Pete.
- Bye, Willie.

- Bye.
- Bye-bye.

- Bye-bye.
- Bye.

Bye, cornflake.

Bye, ALF.

And thanks.

- Gee, I hope he keeps in touch.
- Hmm.

I'm sure he will.
He took our phone.

[theme music]

[theme music]


[instrumental music]