ALF (1986–1990): Season 3, Episode 7 - Turkey in the Straw: Part 1 - full transcript

ALF already ate the Thanksgiving turkey - raw. Willie fails to find a new one, so Raquel invites the Tanners over. A storm arrives as does the neighborhood bum ("a homeless person"), since ALF has been leaving food and clothes for him.

Now hit one, two, zero, enter.

and your dinner will
practically cook itself.

Well, uh, does it say
when it'll be ready?

Let's see. It's 11:30 now.

Set start time,
select mode and speed.

Carry the four..

My guess is a week from Tuesday.

Let me see that.

This is the manual for the VCR.

Ah, then you might
wanna take that

cassette off the bottom rack.

- Hi, honey.
- Hi, honey.

Hi, honey!

How is the new electronic

self-cleaning microwave
convection oven?

Doodah, doodah.

Oh, I love it.

She hates it!

You should have bought
her a Nuke Man.

Nuke Man?

Yeah, a personal-sized
nuclear power plant.

It was the latest fad on Melmac.

In fact, it was
the last fad on Melmac.

Listen, Kate, if you
don't really like that oven...

No, no, no, I love it-I love,
it's a matter of getting it

going, this is gonna be the
first Thanksgiving

I don't spend in the kitchen.

Did I ever tell you guys
about Thanksgiving on Melmac?

Oh-h-h, yes!

Thanksgiving on Melmac
wasn't called Thanksgiving.

It was called Fappiano.

And we didn't eat turkey.

Instead, we sat down

to a nice, big, juicy, stuffed...

Time out! We know exactly what
you're gonna say, ALF.

And you know that
we find that offensive.

- What was I gonna say?
- Cat!

Big, juicy..


But now we'll never know,
will we?

I was always partial
to the dark meat.

Something's wrong here.

This, this turkey
feels so light.

Well, you have been working out.

Hold it right there, mister.


...he ate our
Thanksgiving turkey.


Turkey sushi.

That is the worst thing
you have ever done.

Willie, every time
you say that, it loses

a little more impact.

Why would you do that?


On Fappiano, you ate
from the time you got up

until all the presents
were opened.

I didn't see any presents

under the Fappiano tree.

I didn't even see a tree!

I'll, uh...I'll try to find
another turkey.

And don't forget the tree!

And the presents!

There will be no tree.

There will be no presents.

I don't think there
will even be a turkey.

This is gonna be some Fappiano.

"We pilgrims are townsfolk!

"We know not of the outdoors.

How can we survive
in this wilderness?"

Beats me.

And Willie's out there

stalking a turkey.

ALF, that's not your line.

Well, sorry, Bri.
Give me the cue again.

"How can we survive
in this wilderness?"

"Perhaps he will
give us a sign!"

Wow! Did you see that?

Two hippopotamus, three
hippopotamus, four hippo..

- Yikes!
- How close was that?

Three and a half hippopotami!

Now, where were we?

Plymouth, Massachusetts, 1621.

Oh, right. Your line.

Me thinks it prudent
to organize an expedition.

Hold it.
Brian, baby, sweetheart.

- What's wrong?
- Feeling, Bri.

Motivation! You're a pilgrim!

Two storm-tossed months at sea.

You're weak. You're hungry.

You wanna strangle
your travel agent.

Oh, Bri, can I get
you a snack, honey?

No thanks, mom.
I have to be weak and hungry.

Method actor.

I, on the other hand,
could use a nosh.

It's wax.

I don't like wax.


Next year we'll buy
a wax turkey.

The turkey is gone.

I can't bring it back.

Wait. Maybe I can.

If I can remember
which stomach it's in.

It's not in number eight.

Don't bother checking
numbers one through seven.

Oh, I wonder
what's keeping Willie.

Methinks it prudent
to organize an expedition.

'Yoo-hoo! Is anybody home?'

Oh, uh, coming, Raquel.

Wow. It's raining cats and dogs.

Raining cats?

You open the skylight,
I'll get the relish!

- Hi, Raquel.
- Oh!

Kate, we have got
to do something!

The bum is back.

Was Trevor out of town?

No, why?

Oh, I mean, uh,
what bum is back?

The bum that has been hanging
around this neighborhood

snooping in private garbage cans

depreciating property values.

Oh, you-you saw
a homeless person.

He's not necessarily homeless.

He may very well
have a home somewhere

and he just prefers to make
a nuisance of himself

in our neighborhood.

And then goes home at 5 o'clock?

Well, I don't know
what his hours are

but I know why
he hangs around here.

Someone's been feeding him.


It isn't you, is it?

Oh, no. Why?

Well, no offense,
but I just assumed

that anybody who sets out
a dozen saucers of milk

to attract every
stray cat for miles around...

Oh, yes, well, uh we are putting
a stop to that immediately

and as for feeding
the homeless gentleman..

A bum, Kate. He's a bum.
He wears a floppy old hat

and a crummy old trench coat.

Oh! There he is.

Raquel, that's Willie.

Oh, Willie, you scared
the life out of me.

Sorry, I should knock before
entering my own kitchen.

Honey, uh, Raquel thought that
you were a homeless person...


A bum that's been hanging

around the neighborhood.

Here, let me help you with that.

No, no, I got it.

Were you able to find a turkey?


Not exactly.

Those are Cornish game hens.

They were out of turkeys.

You're having Cornish game
hens for Thanksgiving?

They were out of turkeys.

Honey, these things
are frozen solid...

They were out of turkeys!

These are gonna take
forever to cook.

I just don't know
if I'm gonna be able...

Listen, you two, you don't

have to go through this
whole charade for me.

Why don't you just ask
if you can have

Thanksgiving dinner
at our house?

- At your house?
- 'Mm-hmm.'

There's gotta be

a turkey in this town someplace.

There is, and it's at our
house and you're invited.

The whole Ochmonek
clan is gonna be there.

Perhaps I should drive
a little further up the coast.

- Uh, really, Raquel...
- Really schmeally. 2 o'clock.

Bring the kids, a hearty
appetite and your own chairs.

Thank you, Raquel.
We'll be there!

I guess I'll take
the sweet potato pie I made.

This has not been a good day.

And it's not over yet.
My sweet potato pie is gone.


You rang?

Do you know what's become
of Kate's sweet potato pie?



I'll make a stomach check.

Stop that.


Don't say I didn't try
to make amends.

I can't believe it.

After eating an 18-pound turkey

you have room for an
entire sweet potato pie?

If you must know,
I ate the pie first

and only half of that.

What happened to the other half?

I gave it to Ed.

- Ed?
- The bum.

- His name is Ed?
- Well, it could be.

I never met him,
but he looks like an Ed.

Actually, looks like Mr. Ed.

Lot of lip action when he talks.

Uh, what else did you give Ed?

I gave him some food
and some of Willie's clothes.

Clothes? What clothes?

Nothing you'd miss, wildebeest

unless you were
in love with that

hideous turquoise turtleneck.

Oh, yeah.

The Italian sweater I gave
Willie for our anniversary?

Yeah! The one he would
have exchanged

if you didn't get
it monogrammed.

I love that sweater, Kate.
I really do.

Sure, Willie, our little secret.

And you gave it to the bum.

Homeless person, dear.

I put things in the trash,
the rest is up to Ed.

I think there's a good chance
he'll pass on that sweater.

Why are you putting
things in the trash for..

...homeless people?

I did it because it's Fappiano

and we should share with those
less fortunate than ourselves

and pastels do
nothing for Willie.

I'll, uh,
I'll go check the trash.

Why do we put up with you, ALF?
Please, tell me that.

I am the sunshine of your life.

Right. I forgot.

Oh, that's the bathrobe

Kate's mother gave
me last Christmas.

♪ It's knowing that
your door is always open ♪

♪ And your path
is free to walk ♪

♪ That tends to make me
leave my sleeping bag ♪

♪ Rolled up and stashed
behind your couch ♪

♪ And it's knowing
I'm not shackled ♪

♪ By forgotten words and bonds ♪

♪ And the ink stains that are
dried upon some line ♪

Uh, uno momento, bro!

♪ That keeps you
in the back roads ♪

♪ By the rivers of my memory ♪

♪ That keeps you ever
gentle on my mind ♪♪

That was very good.
Very good, indeed.

Thank you, bro.
Sweet potato pie?

No, thank you, Ed, uh,
whatever your name is.

Uh, Flakey Pete.
My friends call me Flakey Pete.

Or Flakey Pete Finnegan,
but mostly

my friends don't call me
'cause I don't have a phone.

Well, I'm Willie Tanner.

And this..

...this is my garage.

And that's...probably
your crowbar.

Yes, it is.

And that's my sweater.

Were you...were you
planning on keeping it?

I was...until I saw the crowbar.

- I'm not gonna use it.
- Oh, well..

Well, then, I'd-I'd
like to keep the sweater.

I'm not gonna let my personal
fashion statement be dictated

by a clique of effete
East Coast editors.

Besides, I'm on the skids.

Oh, by the way, your chart here,
it's out-of-date, you know

there's a newly-discovered
quasar in the Pleiades.

'Yeah, you know'

I was just about to put that..

Say, how did you know that?

Oh, oh, all the bums
are talking about it.

Look, Pete,
I work for social services.

I-I can take you to
a shelter for the weekend

and then you come
to my office on Monday...

In other words,
you want me to leave.

- Well...
- Ah-ha, go figure.

This morning it was a sweet
potato pie and a sweater.

And now..'s get the hell outta here.

And a happy Thanksgiving
to you too, bro.

Before you go, I would just like

to categorically state
how vehemently I oppose

you going to the Ochmoneks
for Thanksgiving.

- You're not the only one.
- Not by a long shot.

We're going. We said we were
going to go, and we're going.

We're going to be gone
for a very short period of time

during which we will be
pleasant to each other

and to our neighbors.

To whom we should be
eternally grateful

in this our hour of need.

And on this day of Thanksgiving

for offering us a decent,
home-cooked meal

which we cannot even
get in our own house.


Oh. Uh, here's, uh..'s the Ochmoneks'
phone number

in case there's an emergency.

And, uh, there's a simple list

of dos and don'ts

until we return.

"Don't call this number
except in an emergency.

Don't call anyone else
under any circumstances."

Not even Margaret Thatcher?

No prime ministers at all.

Not even collect?

No phone calls of any kind.

"Don't leave this house.

"Don't put anything
else in the trash.

"Don't blow up this house.

Don't burn down this house..."

Alright, looks like you covered
all the bases, Willie McCovey.

Except everything with you is

don't, don't, don't, don't

don't, don't, don't, don't

don't, don't, don't!

What about all the dos?


Hmm, was that..

Uh, "Do...have a nice


Your wish is my command.

I'll be so quiet, you'll be able
to hear a whisker drop.

Don't eat the cat.

Me and my big mouth.

'Come on!'

Oh, oh, oh, would you
please sit down?

Alright, come on, come on,
everybody, sit down.

The gravy's coagulatin'!

Willie, sit right here
next to Uncle Rocky.



Sit right here!

Hey, Lynn, right here.

No, Lynn, you sit right here.

Right next to Dudley
and the vegetables.

Dudley is a vegetable.

Hi, Lynn.

Hello, Dudley.

Call me Dud.

No problem.

I knew those two
would hit it off.

In keeping with
the Ochmonek tradition

Dr. Uncle Rocky Ochmonek

a former army surgeon

will now carve
the Ochmonek turkey!

Break a leg, uncle doc!

Remember when we
used to take baths together?

I have to make a phone call..

...from home.

Don't be long, Lynn.
We'll be eating in just a few..


Come on, Brian,
you sit over here.

Oh, he's so cute!

I love that kind of stuff.

I really do.

♪ Happy Fappy to me ♪

♪ Happy Fappy to me ♪

♪ Happy Fappy to the
alien they kept ♪

♪ Under house arrest
with a long list of don'ts ♪

♪ And nothing but a plate
of cold meat loaf ♪

♪ While they all went
to a big party ♪

♪ With lots of hot foood ♪

♪ Happy Fappy to me ♪♪

Ah! Trick candle!

The joke's on me!

"Don't call this number
except in an emergency."

I wonder if boredom
constitutes an emergency.

I'll call and find out.

- Hi, ALF.
- Lynnster! You've come back!

Oh, I missed you!
I missed you! I missed you!

Turn around, let me have a look.

We've been gone six minutes.

Seemed like ten.

Sit. Take a load off.

Okay, but just for a minute.

I have to get right back.

- Meat loaf?
- We're making do, alright?

I smuggled you some dessert.

Oh, goody! Goody! Goody!

Don't say that till you see it.

What is it?


Rubber vomit.

Pumpkin Jell-O.

I can't eat that.

Hey, I've never heard
myself say that before.

'Mrs. Ochmonek put me
next to Dudley.'

'I think I'd rather
sit next to Jake.'

This guy that I used to
take a bath with, oh God!

Well, I've gotta go.

While Uncle Rocky
is carving the turkey

Mr. and Mrs. Ochmonek
are going to be singing

"Das Cornucopia"
from Wagner Strauss'

"Der Feaster Famine."

It's an Ochmonek tradition.

Well, thanks for the warning.

I'll watch for breaking glass.

Thanks, operator.

And that'll bring up
a third goal

on the 4-yard line. Big play!

Wilson drops straight back,
throws it in the end zone..'s gonna be incomplete!
That ball was almost..

Bring up a fourth goal..

Happy Thanksgiving,
Alien Task Force

Sgt. Fox speaking.


I think I've just seen an alien.

What do I do?

Do you mind repeating that, sir?

An alien.

I've just seen an alien.

And what does this alleged
alien look like, please?


Weird can describe
a lot of things, sir.

Could you be more specific?

Well, he's kind of small

and he's all covered with fur

and he has big, pointy ears

and a nose the
shape of Nebraska.

Uh-huh, and is it
at the end of a leash

standing next to a fire hydrant?

This is not a pet.

He's sitting at
the kitchen table

with a napkin around his neck

and he's flipping flatware.

Just got the cat.

We've got ourselves a live one.

- An alien?
- Kook.

Could I have
your name, sir, please?

Huh? Uh, Flakey, uh,
Finnegan, Pete..

Pete Finnegan.

And what's the address?

Uh, first things first. Ahem.

I understand
there's a reward involved.

And who told you that, sir?

I saw it on
"My Favorite Martian."

Is there a reward or not?

Five thousand dollars.

Take it, ahem.

The address is
167 Hemdale Avenue.

Now, how soon can you get here?

Well, Mr. Finnegan,
we're a little understaffed

at the moment, it being
a holiday and all.

Plus the game's in sudden death.

Look, suppose you just sit tight

and get back to us if it..

- Hold on, sir.
- 167 Hemdale?

We investigated a sighting at
that address two years ago.

Hang on, sir.

'"September 13, 1986,
Raquel Ochmonek."'

We could have an
independent confirmation.

Mr. Finnegan, we'll get
there as soon as we can.

Could you give us a number
where we can reach you, please?

Right. Here. Uh-huh.


'You just stay by the phone.'

'Don't let the alien out of
your sight and be careful.'

What do you mean, be careful?
Why? What could it do to me?

Jump in your mouth and
bust out of your chest.

I'll be careful.

Why do we offer a reward anyway?

Doesn't it just encourage kooks?

Yeah, right.

But we gotta be competitive
with "The Enquirer."

Come on, let's roll.

Seventeen all.