ALF (1986–1990): Season 3, Episode 26 - Having My Baby - full transcript

ALF is preparing himself for the coming of Kate's baby because, in his opinion, Willie isn't prepared enough. Can ALF be persuaded to accept that Dick Van Dyke show is not an educational program that should be followed as an example?

♪ This is the way
we diaper our kid ♪

♪ Diaper our kid
diaper our kid ♪

♪ This is the way
we diaper our kid and.. ♪

♪ This is how we drop it ♪♪

What are you doing?

Practicing for
when the baby comes.

How well do
Earth children bounce?

Not very.

Then what do people
mean when they say

"Bouncing baby boy?"

It's an expression,
not a suggestion.

Here, this is how you do it.

You put the diaper on like this

and you fold it over like this

and you fasten it..

...and here.

Like this. See?

Here, now you try it.

It's used now. Yuck.

It's-it's time!

Keep hat on shelf.

That is good.

Hi, ALF, what you watching?

I'm not watching,
I'm studying.

Studying what?

The Petrie method
of childbirth.

But this is
"The Dick Van Dyke Show."


You see, Rob Petrie
was the consummate TV father.

That's why Ritchie
turned out to be such a mensch.

Well, dad told me
where babies come from

and he never mentioned
"The Dick Van Dyke Show."

Your father is a good man

but sometimes I think
his hefty bag's not twist-tied.

Doctor says,
"Any day now, any day now.."

Hardly a week before..

Brian, I have told
you a hundred times

not to leave your baseball glove
on the floor.

Oh-oh, here comes Crabzilla.

Sorry, mom.
How was your nap?

not long enough.

Look, ALF, a woman's body
goes through

a lot of changes
when she's pregnant.

She can't always
control her emotions.


I'm sorry if I've been hard
on you guys.

That's alright, mom.

Dad says no matter
how cranky you get

we should just humor you.

You can tell your father to
take his humor and sit on it.

Sure, mom,
whatever you say.

Hey, hey, just because
you're trucking a wide load

doesn't mean you shouldn't
observe the social graces.

You know, the worst
Laura Petrie ever did

was an occasional, "Oh, Rob."

Laura Petrie?

I'm studying up
to help you have your baby.

And you're studying..

"The Dick Van Dyke Show."

Of course.

ALF, that's very sweet
of you to wanna help

but in this particular case

I think Willie is
a little more qualified.

Yeah? Then where is he, huh?

Answer me that, huh?
Where, huh?

Where, huh,
huh, huh, where?

I'm home.

I hate when he does that.

Something I should know about?

Only if you write
for "The Alan Brady Show."

Nothing I should know about.

I'm placing myself at the ready

to assist mommy dearest
over there

with her blessed event.

Uh, traditionally, ALF,
that's the father's role.


On Melmac, the father's role

was to stand back
and yell, "Pull! Pull!"

- Don't you mean, "Push, push?"
- No.

On Melmac, the mother gave birth

while the father
went skeet shooting.

Hey, Kate, did you know
that some doctors say

that women should
give birth standing up?

It's time! It's time!

Stand up!

Relax, ALF, it's not time.

Well, isn't it about time
it was time?

Willie, you're wearing pajamas.

ALF, I'm going to bed.

But when Laura
was expecting Ritchie

Rob slept in his suit
every night.

Actually it wasn't a suit,
it was a sports coat

and slacks and a nice tie

and he kept his hat
on the shelf above the bed

and I'm not sure
what he did about his shoes.

- Am I babbling?
- Yes.

I know, I know,
Melmackians do that

when they're nervous,
also during white sales.

I'll stop now.
I'm gonna stop. I'm stopping.

Here I go. I'm still doing it.
I forgot how to stop!

ALF, ALF, ALF, just..
Okay, breathe, breathe.

- In...out.
- Breathe like that. Fine.


I'll breathe.
I'm breathing.

It didn't help.

What if I can't stop?

What if I talk
like this forever?

I'll sound like Madeline Kahn.

You've gotta calm down
about this baby, ALF.

That's easy for you to say.

You're phlegmatic.

I'm tremulant.

on "The Dick Van Dyke Show..."

Oh, ALF, I have told you
a hundred times

"The Dick Van Dyke Show"
was just television.

They exaggerated things
to make 'em funny.

And Laura Petrie
was a character.

Uh, the actress who played her
wasn't even pregnant

when she did the show.

I suspected that.

She never did get as big
as Mount St. Katherine here.


I'm sorry, dear.

First I'm cranky,
now I'm fat.

Honestly, Willie, I don't know
why you even married me.

Could we, could, could we
talk about this later?

ALF, I have helped my wife.

The cranky,
fat one?


Hey, Roseanne Barr
built a career on it.

I have helped my delightful,
slender wife safely

through two pregnancies

and I will help her
through this one

without extraterrestrial

Is that clear?


I'll make like
Imelda Marcos and shoe.

Willie, did you pack
that overnight bag?




You use that to christen
the baby.

Are you all finished with your
own personal little doings?

No. I ain't had an answer
on my turnovers yet.

I'll take one. Now will you go?

- 'My pleasure.'
- 'No, mine!'

Yeah, he's here.
Hey, Rob, it's your wife.

- I think this is it!
- Oh, hand me the phone!

Watch out!

The Danish
with the health clause.

I'm sorry, I'll pay for it all.

- You're gonna pay for it?
- I'll pay for it.

- Walk on them. Look...
- I got it. Ow! Ooh!

Look! This is my favorite part.

- Pay for it?
- I'll pay...

You know, ALF

if you really
wanted to help mom out

you could pitch in
with some of the housework.

No, can't do, Lynn-cognito.

Since no one else is taking
our baby boom seriously

I must commit this video
verisimilitude to memory.

ALF, having a baby
is a perfectly natural thing.

Mom's gonna get
through it just fine.

That's what they said
about The Hindenburg.

You know, that other blimp.

How are you? Oh, my gosh.

Honey, keep calm, keep calm,
honey, just don't panic.

Th-there's nothing
to get excited about.

Honey, I'm coming home.
I'll be home.. No, wait.

You'll wait for me?
No. You better not..

Wait for me, if you can,
if you can't wait for me

don't wait for me.
I wanna be with you.

Okay. I love you.
This is it, James.

- Hey, Rob!
- Uh?

- Didn't you forget something?
- 'Oh, ah..'

'Yeah, what?'

Oh, hi, ALF.
It's Kate.

Oh, my gosh.

Uh, honey, keep calm.

Keep calm, honey.

Uh, call Willie.

No. I'll call Willie.

Where is he? Never mind.


ALF, ALF, what's going on?

How far apart
are the contractions?

Did you boil the water yet?

How do you expect me to help you
if you won't calm down?

ALF, will you just listen
to me for one minute?

Okay. Okay.
Everything is under control.


- There, I'm fine now.
- What's going on?

Uh, I'm seeing your mother

through the miracle
of childbirth.

Oh, I hope I don't throw up.

Give me that.

Mom, is everything okay?



I'll take care of it. Bye.

It's time!
Call an ambulance.

It's time to take the pot roast

out of the freezer for dinner.

I mean, really, ALF..

I've had Kate's pot roast.

We'll need an ambulance anyway.

Honey, it's time.

Honey, it's time.

Honey, it's time!

What? Whoops!


Nineteen seconds there,

The baby will be able
to drive Kate to the hospital

by the time you wake up.

ALF, what are you doing here?

Labor drill.

And it's a darn good thing.

No, it's not, it's not,
it's a darn bad thing.

ALF, you've got
to stop all this.

The baby will get here when
he or she is good and ready.

If you really, really
wanna help me

just, please, relax.

Relax, she says.

Anyone would think she was
the one having this baby.

- I am the one having this baby!
- Shh! Shh! Shh!

Gee! Calm down,

All this animosity
can't be good

for the Tannerlet.

Well, neither is being woken up

in the middle of the night.

Alright. Alright.

I'll just sit right over there

and not make a peek.

Oh, Willie.

Willie, make him stop.

Willie, make him go.

Stop? Go?

Make up your mind.


Willie, I'm a tired

pregnant woman, Willie.

I know. I know, dear.

You left out fat and cranky.

Help me out of this bed,

Well, I know
when I'm not wanted.

Oh, ho-ho,
you are wanted alright.

You just stay right,
right there!

Keep this up, Kate

and you'll get
no baby gift from me.


What did you do
to these pancakes?

Well, I-I added muesli

and, uh, chop nuts

and some raisins.


To make them good for you.

I thought they
tasted good for me.

Has anyone seen
ALF this morning?

Oh, yes. We saw him
at 3:02, 5:17, and 6:28.

- Night rounds again?
- Mm-hmm.

He wanted to make sure I wasn't
having the baby in my sleep.

I think it's sweet that ALF's
so worried about you.

Fine. I'll have him
be sweet to you for a while.

Morning, Tanners.


Would someone mind pouring
four or five gallons

of coffee on my head?

You look awful, ALF.

Yeah? Well, you're short.

Did you get any sleep
at all last night?

Who could sleep
at a time like this?

- I can.
- Same here.

- Me, too.
- So can I.

Why do I feel like
I'm having this baby

all by myself?

ALF, as much as we dislike

being wakened
in the middle of the night

we really do appreciate
your concern.

Isn't that right, Kate?


Well, anyway..

As I've told you
on numerous occasions

we're perfectly capable
of handling this birth

without your turning
the event

into one of your
overreaction festivals.

I, I realize that
was a very long sentence

but I-I hope
I've made myself clear.



Oh, oh, it's time!
It's time, it's time!


Intercepts, he turns

he aims, he shoots.

Yes. He scores.

A new record
for Kareem Alfdul Jabbar.

And the crowd goes wild.

What are you doing?

Inventing didey ball.

Hey, wanna play a little
one on one and a half?

Not at 3 o'clock
in the morning.

What are you doing up
at this hour?

This is it. This is it!

- This is...
- Not it.

Your color commentary
woke me up.

Hey, I have to do something
to keep myself awake.

Otherwise, I'd fall asleep.


Doesn't that sound good, ALF?

Huh, doesn't it sound good?

To-to put your,
put your head down

let your eyes get heavy?

Yes, ALF.

Just, just drift off
to dreamland.

Oh. Don't test me, Kate.

I promised to help bring the
newest Tanner into the world

and a Melmackian

almost never goes back
on his word sometimes.

ALF, I promise.

We can handle this.

Go to sleep.

Hey, I understand

that your moods are swinging
like Benny Goodman.

But never fear.

I'm here for you.

I give up.

I give up, but if you
insist on staying up

at least be quiet.

No problem.

I think I'll invent
diaper tennis.

Where do we keep our big net?

No big net.

Little net?

Lose the net.

Well, who needs a net?

I'm a hoop man, myself.

Yes! Oh, endorse your new line
of athletic shoes?

Ha, I'd be a heel not to.

Ha! Write that down.

We could use it
in the tele-blurb.

Ha, no autographs.


Well, no autographs.

- 'You alright?'
- 'Oh, I'm-I'm fine, honey.'

Well, I'm gonna
bring the car out front.

- Don't-don't be too long.
- 'Huh.'

'I'm moving as fast as I can
in this condition.'

ALF, it's time,
it's time.

Dad's taking mom
to the hospital.


Alf, wake up.
It's really time.

Poor little guy.

Here you go.

Must've dozed off.

Holy stork invasion, Batman.

How'd that get in here?


Oh, you're awake.

You're finally awake.

- Are you alright?
- I'm fine.

But that thing in the crib

looks an awful
lot like a B-A-B-Y.

I know.

ALF, I'd like you
to meet my son

'Eric William Tanner.'

We just brought him
home this morning.

- Did I miss something here?
- You sure did.

Lynn tried and tried
to wake you up

when we left
for the hospital

but you, you were out
like a light.

You know, you've been asleep
for almost two days?

You mean, I slept
through the whole thing?

I'm afraid so.

Well, Kate couldn't have waited
until I woke up?

It seemed impractical.

I can't believe it.

Guess you guys really
didn't need me, after all.

I'm such a mokes.

It's not that you
weren't needed, ALF.

It's just that
when a woman starts

to actually have a baby

you're not..


You understand?

Yeah. I guess so.

What are you
thinking about, Willie?


I was just remembering
the first day

we brought Lynn home
from the hospital.

And then Brian..

...and now this little guy.

I've never seen you this happy.


I've never seen
anybody this happy.

Well, of course
I'm happy, ALF.

We've helped to create
a brand-new life here.

I think maybe
that's the most important thing

a person ever gets to do.

Guess I'll never know, will I?

Oh, I'm sorry, ALF.

In all the excitement

I-I didn't think about that.

On Melmac..

...I never thought much
about having kids.

You know how it is
when you're in your 220s.

You think you have
all the time in the world.

I can imagine.

But now..

...when I realize that
it's never gonna be possible

for me to be a father...

Don't say that.

LA's a lonely town

when you're the only
orange boy around.

You can't give up hope, ALF.

If it's that important to you,
you can never give up hope.

In the meantime,
we're gonna need your help

bringing up Eric.

You are?

Well, sure, who else
is gonna teach him

about boo-yah baseball,
and pasta polo

and other sports
involving the hurling

of inappropriate objects?

Like gerbil hockey?


Hi, ALF.
You finally woke up, huh?

Yeah. Hey,
guess you got a brother now?

Yeah. Mom says
it's time to feed him.

Okay. Tell her
we'll be in a minute, B.

Looks like you.


On the other hand,
all white babies look like you.

Say hi to ALF, Eric.

Hey, Eric.

How you doing, Eric?

He smiled at me.

I'm sure he did.

So anyway, the Tanners
decided I could stay.

And here I am.

It's not a bad place
to live, actually.

Kate takes a little
getting used to.

But you probably
already figured that part out.

Well, Willie said he needed me

to help teach you about stuff.

So I thought I'd start
with the most important thing.

These are the channel
control buttons.

And this one here,
is the volume control.

And this one..

...that's the entire world

right at your fingertips.


This is the life,
huh, Ricochet?

Well, wait a minute
how would you know?

You're brand-new.

Well, trust me.

This is the life.

Oh, now let me tell you
a little bit about Mel Coley.

He's the tall guy
with the glasses.

He's a lot like Willie.

Although they don't
have the same prescription

I don't think.

There, there, look, look.