ALF (1986–1990): Season 3, Episode 25 - Shake, Rattle and Roll - full transcript

ALF experiences his first earthquake (there were no melmacquakes). When he is told that quakes can be a lot bigger, ALF starts to live in fear of the coming of a big one, even though Willie assures him they are prepared.

The great orange hunter

stalks his prey.

Ah! He sees it.
The elusive loin of pork.

The most prized catch
in the Fridgidari Jungle.

What's this?

"ALF, don't eat this."

Why would I eat this?

Ever so deftly..

...the great orange hunter
maneuvers his weapon.

Once in position

he strikes!

What? Whoa!
Has the hunter angered the Gods?

Whoa! Uh!

Okay, I won't eat pork!

'Is everybody alright?
Lynn? Brian?'

'I'm fine, dad.'

'Me too, but I can't find ALF!'


- Oh!
- Are you in here?

He's not in the attic.

- Look at this mess.
- ALF!


This was his first quake.

Poor little fella,
he must be terrified.

I found him!

- ALF, are you okay?
- He doesn't look good.

It looks like he's in shock.
ALF, say something. Anything.

Armageddon! Annihilation!

White hot tentacles
of doom spit fire!

Venom! Screeching!
Help me! Help me!

- ALF.
- Help me! Help me!

- Ruination! Devastation..
- ALF!

Apocalypse now! Now, now..

Thanks, Willie.

Now I'm blind.

Your eyes are closed.


Here, let me help you.

Oh, this may stagger
your imagination a whit

but I had nothing
to do with this mess.

We know, ALF,
we know.

- You do?
- We had an earthquake.

- I see.
- And it was a good one.

What was good about it?
Why do we have it?

What was it?

Well, let me see
if I can explain it, ALF.

You see, the crust of our planet

is made of plates
of layered rock

that are in continual movement.

Now, when the pressure
beneath becomes

too great,
it's released through...

Thank you, Mr. Wizard.

Kate, the short strokes, please.

Do you remember when
Godzilla destroyed Tokyo?

Well, that's a rather
extreme example, Kate.

Raymond Burr analogies
are rarely pretty.

Look, we-we just
had an earthquake

and we are all fine.

We just have to
remember to be prepared

and follow some
basic safety rules.

Willie, get the ledger!
Kate has more rules!

'Kate? Willie?
Is anybody home?'

ALF, get in the kitchen.

Uh, that is,
stay in the kitchen.

- Oh, hi, Raquel.
- Willie, Kate.

- We had an earthquake!
- Uh, so did we.

- How's Lynn?
- Oh, Lynn's fine.

- Does she need comforting?
- Oh, no, she's fine.

- 'Cause if she does, I could...
- She's fine!

- Glad to hear it.
- So where's Trevor?

On the porch.

Trevor, come on in.

Is this structural?

Yes, I believe so.

Well, if you don't mind,
I'd like to stand here.

Trevor, I-I've never
seen you like this.

Oh-oh-oh, Trevor,
it's-it's gonna be alright.

It-it-it's gonna be alright.

Trevor, this is making me
very uncomfortable.

I'm sorry.
I'm just traumatized.

He always acts like this
after an earthquake.

Or whenever Whoopi Goldberg's
on "Star Trek."

You know, Trevor, uh

statistically you have
more chance of being injured

in your own bathtub
than you have in an earthquake.

Oh, yeah?

When's the last time
your bathtub opened up

and swallowed you streaming into
the fiery bowels of the earth?

He's got me there.

Well, we'll be on our way.

We just wanted to make sure
that you were okay.

And say hi to Lynn,
and everybody for me.

- Trevor, you'll be fine.
- You think so?

Of course.

With the proper
professional assistance.

We live on a planet
with fiery bowels?

Trevor was just overreacting.

You know, I'd hate to see him
in a big earthquake.

But we just
had a big earthquake.

- Didn't we?
- They can be bigger.

How much bigger?

A little bigger.

Can they be a lot bigger?

Well, yes, sometimes.
Not often, though.

Just-just relax, ALF.


Is this thing structural?

You know, in a way,
that jolt we had last night

was probably a very good thing.

If you enjoyed it that much,
why not just strap

a lightning rod on your head
and wander around in the rain?

No, I think what
Willie means is that

it's reminded us to come out
and check our supplies.

It says here
that we should have

a half gallon of water
a day for each of us.

So for two weeks,
that makes 35 gallons.

Well, hey, yeah.


Hey! Ahem.
35 gallons of water.

Wait, I have questions.

Why do we need
so much bottled water?

Well, that's in case
our water supply

becomes contaminated.

What about food?

We have a two-week
supply of food.

We have peanut butter,
we have granola bars

evaporated milk,
canned meat, fish.

We had a two-week supply
of peanut butter

granola bars, evaporated milk,
canned meat and fish.

It was nowhere near
a two-week supply.

I ate it in 37 minutes.

ALF, those were
our survival rations.

And I survived.

Now, you know they work.

Restock foodstuffs.

Padlock foodstuffs.

I, uh, saw the truck outside.

I guess the extra water
we ordered came.

Oh, yes, water came.

Last load.

Four hundred and
seventy-six dollars.

I'm afraid, uh, we didn't
order this much water.

You got a Gordon Shumway
at this address?

Just once, I was hoping
that just once

it might be
a legitimate mistake.

Uh, say, I don't suppose
there's a chance

you could take a couple dozen
of these back?

That's pickup.
I'm delivery.

Well, goodbye, or as we
like to say au reservoir.

What'll it be? Cup of soup?

Cocoa with teeny marshmallows?

Or maybe just the
straight stuff straight up.

I know that look.

I find it unsettling.


Oh, hi, Willie.

What are you doing?


Could you be
a little more specific?

Hammering nails.

Why are you nailing
your bed to the floor?

Well, it wouldn't make much
sense to Scotch tape it

now, would it?

ALF, nailing your bed down

isn't gonna help you
during an earthquake.

It'll keep me from
sliding down the stairs.

Then I'm running
a bumper around the bed

for shock absorption.

And underneath, in case of
a tidal wave...pontoons.

I'm telling you, Willie,
this bed is gonna be

the safest place in the house.

ALF, I really don't...

I know what you're gonna say

and I could put you
in one of these babies

for 99.95, yes?

That's 99.95.

It's okay, ALF.
It's an aftershock.

- Come into the doorway!
- I'll be safer in here!


Two seconds later,
and I would have had

the weight of the world
where my head used to be.

No, ALF, that-that-that's
only a globe.

That wouldn't have hurt you.

Don't you see, Willie?

It's a sign.

No matter what you do

no matter how many
precautions you take

sooner or later
this planet is gonna get ya.

Oh, take it easy, ALF.

You'll be fine.

Yeah, but for how long?

Face it, Willie.

Earth is hazardous
to your health.

I know this is hard
for you to understand, Bri.

It's hard for me
to understand too.

Sometimes it's Bert Convy,
sometimes it's Vicki Lawrence

sometimes it's Sally Struthers.

But no matter who hosts

it's always
"Win, Lose Or Draw."

That's a load off my mind.

'It's me. Jake!'

It's open.

- Hey, guys!
- Morning, Jake!

- Hi.
- Hi.

Hi, Jake,
so how did your Uncle Trevor

handle that
aftershock last night?

Not too well. He started
sleepin' in the doorway.

Well, that's just silly.

I know, but at least he wakes up
with the morning paper handy.


...just let me look at ya.


Funny, special Kate.

Lynn, why..

Why, you're a woman now. this
the little boy I carried?

And, Jake..

What is a friend?

A Jake.

Let's all

You wanna stay
for breakfast, Jake?

Okay. Here.

Ah, the complex parade

that is life.

ALF, is this something
we should be asking you about?

It's simple, oh, my Willie.

Last night's
narrowly averted tragedy

gave me pause.

I thought you already had paws.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Witty, urbane Lynn.

What I meant was

it gave me pause to think.

I've been trying
to escape my fate

but there is no escape!

If an earthquake doesn't get me

a monsoon might.

Or an avalanche.

Or a firestorm. poisoning.

What is your point?

My point is

any breath I draw
could be my last.

So I'm going to savor
every moment I have left.

There goes one now.

What's wrong with ALF?

Nothing's wrong with me.

I've simply adopted
a new philosophy.

Eat, drink, and be merry.

- For tomorrow we croak.
- Tomorrow?

It's just an expression, Brian,
albeit a mangled one.

Are you sure
you're alright, ALF?

I'm fine.
In fact, I'm perfect.

Come on, everyone,
let's all join hands

for a chorus of "Kumbaya."


I should have stuck with Latin.


my lovely flower of spring

seeing you brings
a lump to my throat.

Not unlike a goiter.

ALF, that's gross.

Alright, a bunion.

I really don't have
time for this.

I've got to learn this French

plus I've got
a history final tomorrow.

History is history!

What's important is today,
now, this moment.

Savor, Lynn.

Look, ALF,
if I don't study today

I'll be savoring failure
about 9:45 tomorrow morning.

How many temblors will it
take for you to see the light?

We've only had two.

Well...perhaps I'm more
introspective than you.

Well, when I think of
all the moments on Melmac

that are lost forever

because I didn't take
the time to savor them.

Like the time,
Benny Fudderman and I..

See, I forgot.


If only I had savored.

Lynn...take a tip.

You take a tip.

I take my leave.

If you need me, I'll be out
with God watching Brian grow.

- Right.
- Oh, and Lynn..

I love you.

What if I talk dad into moving
someplace where it's safe?

- Like where?
- I don't know.


You could be
blown away by a tornado.

How about Hawaii?

The volcanoes will get ya.

- Canada?
- Blizzards!

- Florida?
- Old age!

So live, Brian, live!

Because...sooner or later..


- Hey, ALF, Brian.
- Hey, Jake.

Jake...less than a brother

more than a friend,
have you been sav...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been
savorin' life left and right.

That's good.
Because life is like death row.

And every day you live
is a stay of execution

until the one day when
the big governor in the sky

doesn't make that phone call.

I think I'll go
inside for a while.

Okay, B.
Hey, savor your parents for me.

Oh, and Brian!

- What?
- I love you.

Don't you think
you might be scarin' the kid?

Scarin' him? I'm teaching him
how to enjoy life.

- Have it your way.
- Oh, Jake..

In case this is the last time
we see each other...

Will you cut out
all this last-time stuff?

I'm just goin' home!
What's gonna happen to me there?

Well, you could slip in the tub,
choke on your dinner

fall down the stairs,
trip over the dog

accidentally flush yourself...

I'll come back
when you're in a better mood.

Oh, hey, Jake!
I love you!

And I mean that.


- Brian?
- 'Hi, dad.'

- Brian?
- 'I'm under here.'

Well, pfft, we've been looking
all over for you.

What are you doing
under the bed?

- 'This is where I live now.'
- What?

'This way, if anything happens
I'll be safe.'

- Safe from what?
- 'Well, everything.'

It's no good keeping things
like this inside.

If something's bothering you

it's important
to-to tell somebody about it.

I agree, honey.

Hi, Kate.

But why are you talking
to Brian's bed?

'Hi, mom.'


Bri, what are you
doing under there?

It's the only place
he feels safe.


Why-why are you so frightened?

'Because tomorrow we croak.'

Why does that sound familiar?

Listen, Brian, uh..

none of us
is going to croak

for a long, long time.

'You can't be sure.'

No, but...I can be almost sure.

And I'll tell you
something I am sure of.

If you spend you're whole life

worrying about all
the bad things that could happen

you're gonna miss
all the good things

that will happen.

Oh, there you guys are!

I want to savor you.

Oh, good, good.
You can start with Brian.

- He's under the bed.
- What's he doing under there?

Have you ever heard of
catastrophic expectations?

Of course.

It's a Melmacian dating service.

No, ALF,
catastrophic expectations

means you live your life
fearing the worst.


So that's exactly
what you've been doing!

Hey, if you've got
a good thing going

I say stick with it.

We don't care
if you stick with it

but you're scaring Brian.

Oh, he's savoring dust bunnies.

Come on out, B.

'I'm not coming out.
I'm never coming out!'


There's nothing wrong
with living cautiously.

But if you spend each day
focusing on mortality

each day a little piece of you

is going to experience
that mortality.

Do you understand me, ALF?


'I do. You mean don't be scared
of stuff until it happens.'

Gee, Willie,
why didn't you say that?

I thought I did.

All I wanna know is

does this leave room
for savoring?

Of course it does, ALF.

Just savor life out of joy

not out of fear.

So what you're saying is

we should eat, drink,
and be merry

for tomorrow we eat, drink,
and be merry again.

Let's try,
eat, drink

and clean up
anything you spill.

Why don't you come out
from under the bed, Bri?

- Feeling better?
- A little.

Hey, sorry
if I scared you, B.

No problem.

- Uh, you wouldn't want to...
- The helmet stays.

Uh, I thought
you were delivery, not pickup.

I got a promotion.
Just my luck, huh?

Well, uh, I guess this covers
the delivery and the, uh

thirty-five gallons we are
keeping a-a-and the pickup.

Can you throw a little somethin'
in here for my chiropractor?



Well, thanks for everything.

Hey, is all my water gone?

Yes, thankfully.

Well, that's too bad.
I had a great idea.

- Wanna hear about it?
- Not especially.

But it's hot. It's now,
it's quintessential late '80s.

Would you speak
no more about this?


But without the water slide

I don't think Tannerland
is gonna catch on.