ALF (1986–1990): Season 3, Episode 24 - Like an Old Time Movie - full transcript

The Tanners are going to a wedding and ALF is left home alone, Willie having rented him silent movies. ALF gets inspired to write his own silent movie. In which he also stars. He then imagines what it would be like.

Oh, come on, everybody,
we'll be late. Let's go.

I got your tie, B.

Don't forget
your baseball mitt, Brian.

How come?

You'll have a better chance

of catching the bridal squid.

On Earth, we don't throw
marine life at weddings.

Then why get married?

Good point.

Hey, Kate..

...give this to the bride
with my regards.

You're not giving away
my Tupperware.

Of course, I'm not.

Tell her to fill it with food.

I love wedding buffets.

You know,
I may be sorry I ask this

but what are you
gonna be doing

while we're gone?

Oh, I don't know.

Between, uh,
Brian's chemistry set

and Willie's
matchbox collection

I'll find something.

I've rented you these tapes..

...ALF, to keep you occupied

and to keep you out of trouble.

Oh, not "Ishtar" again.

No, these are classics,
you've never seen these.

This one is "The Sheik"
with Rudolph Valentino.

And the other one's a film
by Charlie Chaplin.

Kick the TV, Willie,
the color's gone out.

No, these are
black and white movies, ALF.

How am I supposed to see
Rudolph's red nose?

And turn up the sound.

I can't hear the actors.

These movies are silent.

I might as well be reading.

Give 'em a chance, ALF,
you might like 'em.

Come on, guys, let's go.

Oh, some classic, look at that.

A guy riding around the desert
and a bunch of camels.

[door closes]

Who you folks trying to kid?

This is "Ishtar."

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

[telephone rings]

- Hello.
- 'Hi, ALF, it's me.'

Oh, say, hey, Willie Mays.

Is this the obligatory check
on the careless alien call?

Well, yes, actually.

Uh, what are you doing now?

I'm watching the tapes
you left me.

You know, these silent flicks
sort of grow on one.

Well, we'll be home
in just a couple of hours.


- Hello, Jake?
- 'Hi, ALF.'

You know how to spell stuff,
don't ya?



'Yo, ALF.'

Yo, Jakernaut.

What do you want?

I need you to help me
write the script

for my silent movie.

Why are you writin'
a silent movie?

'Cause they don't
write themselves.

Listen to this.

"Fade in,
on a vast desert landscape.

"My trusty Arabian steed
races over the dunes

"to my desert oasis.

"Waiting inside my tent

"my luscious and devoted wives

"swoon with desire.

I have returned."

[Jake laughing]


You as a sheik with a harem?

Every sheik has a harem.

It's considered chic.

Ha ha!

I kill me!

Huh. Hmm.

Maybe I could work
that into the script.

That's what I mean.

I see you more
as a comedy-type guy.

Like Charlie Chaplin?

Like Cousin Itt.

Let's not get too ambitious
on our first movie.

We'll start with Chaplin.

It's 1929.

Iris in.

[instrumental music]

The little scamp must beg
for every scrap of food.

A situation with which
I am painfully familiar.

[music continues]

Willie can play the cop
who always butts in

and never lets me do anything.

He's perfect for that.

[music continues]

[inaudible dialogue]

[music continues]

Ha! Grand re-opening.

Ha! I really fooled
Willie that time.

You type for a while.

You've got 25 percent
more fingers.

Hey, ALF, is anybody else
gonna get to be in your movie

besides Willie and Kate?

Like who?

I don't know.
Maybe like, uh

Lynn or Brian
or somebody else.


Brian and Lynn.

Good idea,

Take this down.

In the next scene..

After a hard day of begging

the little scamp has
only one penny to his name

and not a friend in the world.

[instrumental music]

Then a beautiful flower girl

sits down beside him.

[music continues]

[inaudible dialogue]

She's astounded
by his striking good looks.

Say what?

She's blind, alright?

That could be Lynn's part.

And Brian can play
her little brother

shoeshine boy.

[music continues]

[inaudible dialogue]

Okay, so what happens next?

They invite me home for dinner.

[instrumental music]

And they're real poor.

They're so poor,
the widow Kate

has to take in laundry
to pay the rent.

But when I show up for dinner

Kate welcomes me
with open arms.

That doesn't sound like Kate.

It's my movie.

[inaudible dialogue]

[music continues]

[inaudible dialogue]

So I say,
"Psst, you're eating footwear."

Ha ha ha!

I love that scene. Brilliant!

It was in
a Charlie Chaplin movie.

So what, Jake Hammer?

Haven't you ever heard
the old saying

"Imitation is the sincerest
form of plagiarism?"

Suddenly, there's a knock
at the door.

It's Jake Ochmonek,
the next door neighbor.

[imitates buzzer buzzing]


Back at the widow Kate's

there's a knock at the door.

[instrumental music]

[inaudible dialogue]

It's the evil landlord
Colonel Trevor

and his evil spouse,
Lady Raquel.

They've come to collect
the evil rent.

[music continues]

[inaudible dialogue]

So Trevor and Raquel
take the money

that was supposed to be for
Brian and Lynn's operations.

Without me,
there'd be no hope left.

[inaudible dialogue]

That's when I say

"Don't cry,
I will get the money

for your operations."

[music continues]

[instrumental music]


How am I gonna get the money
for the operations?

I got an idea.

What is it?

Well, uh,
what'll you give me for it?

What do you want?

A part in the movie.

Everybody else is in the movie.

That's all? You got it.

I was afraid
you wanted to direct.

- I'll take that.
- Forget it, Jake-in-the-Box.

- No can do.
- Fine, fine.

You keep your job,
and I'll keep my idea.

Okay, okay, you can direct.

What's your idea
for the next scene?

Okay, your character comes up

with a brilliant plan.

Instead of sellin'
all the flowers

you tie a string
to one flower

and sell it
over and over again.

[instrumental music]

Great plan.

But you forgot about
Officer Willie.

He'll probably arrest us.

Bribe him.

Well, let's say
he falls for that

for the sake of argument.

We're still back
where we started, only worse.

[music continues]

There's a knock at the door.


It works, just type.

Yeah, yeah. So who is it?

Lady Raquel, the evil spouse
of the evil landlord.


She lost her earring.
Yeah, that's it.

And-and when she's
snooping around

she finds a strange hair.

[music continues]

So she calls the cops.


Because it's a violation
of the lease.

If a non-human
is found on the premises

the landlord can throw
the family into the street.

Ha ha ha.

[music continues]

[inaudible dialogue]

[music continues]

[music intensifies]

[music continues]

[inaudible dialogue]

Now comes the romantic part.

Officer Willie is smitten
by the widow Kate.

Who's smitten
with Officer Willie

who incidentally reminds her
of her late husband

who was smitten
by a dump truck.

[music continues]

And so Kate invites Willie
to stay for dinner.

And what's for dinner?

Ha ha!

All these people eat
is shoes and socks.

I love it.

And they live
happily ever after.

The end.

Got that?
Fade out, the end.

You didn't type the end.

Because the story
isn't over yet.

Lynn and Brian
didn't get their operations

and the evil landlord
didn't get his just desserts.

Let's save that for the sequel.

Skip dinner, and have
just desserts ourselves.

But what becomes
of the little scamp?

Alright, alright,
we'll finish the film.

What a slave driver.

That's why I'm the director.

The little scamp
packs his meager possessions

in his meager valise.

Suddenly, Kate comes home.

She doesn't want him to leave.

That really doesn't
sound like Kate.

She'll do it.
It's called acting.

[instrumental music]

Suddenly, they hear
the doorbell.

[inaudible dialogue]

Who is it this time?

It's the evil landlord
Colonel Trevor.

When he sees
that the coast is clear

he makes a pass at Kate.

Little does he know
the little scamp

is hiding under the table
with a camera.

Where'd he get a camera?

From the prop department,
where else?

[music continues]

[inaudible dialogue]

[music continues]

So I've saved the day

gotten the money for Brian
and Lynn's operations

and sent the evil
Colonel Trevor away for good.

Then, as soon as he's gone
guess who shows up?

Whitney Houston?

No. It's Lynn.

Somebody bought
all her flowers.

- Who?
- Officer Willie, of course.

[music continues]

"Here Comes the Bride"]

Fade out. The end.

But what about
Lynn and Brian's operations?

I said, "Fade out. The end."

Uh-huh, I still got
the typewriter.

You know what you are,
Francis Ford Jakola?

You're a stickler for detail.

I hate that in a neighbor.

Dissolve to the hospital
waiting room.

The soon to be married
widow Kate

and the smitten
with true love Officer Willie

await the results
of Lynn and Brian's operations.

[instrumental music]

[inaudible dialogue]

[inaudible dialogue]

[music continues]

I can talk! I can talk!

[music continues]

Okay, Mr. Director

any more loose ends
you wanna tie up

or can we just type,
the end, now?

The end.

Well, this is gonna be
bafo, socko.

A box office bonanza.

It's the greatest story
ever told.

Don't get carried away, ALF,
it's not that good.

Well, not yet.

But once we add sound,
colorize it

and stick Eddie Murphy
in there someplace

it'll be a smash.

[instrumental music]

It will.

[instrumental music]

- I loved that.
- Yeah.

- So did I..
- Oh.

ALF, are you in there?

[inaudible dialogue]

"I'm not ALF. I'm the sheik."


I get it. He's pretending
to be in a silent movie.


Alright, sheik, you will now
put every single sheet

and pillow back on the bed
you took it from.

Is that clear?

[inaudible dialogue]

"Perfectly clear, Kate."


Ha ha ha!

You people are so predictable.

Ha ha ha!

[theme music]

[ALF laughing]