ALF (1986–1990): Season 3, Episode 23 - Have You Seen Your Mother, Baby, Standing in the Shadow? - full transcript

Jake stops by to say that his mother is visiting. When she comes to thank the Tanners, Raquel invites her to dinner. But Jake starts acting strangely and ALF decides to find out why.

Once again, Kate,
excellent meat loaf.

Once again, Kate, meat loaf.

Uh, for your information,
that was Salisbury steak.

Great. Meat loaf
with an attitude.

'Knock, knock!'

Door's open, Jake.

- Oh, hi, guys.
- Hey, Jake!

You're just in time
for brandy and cigars.

No brandy, no cigars.


But I can't stay anyway.

Aunt Raquel wants to know
if you got any fresh fennel.

Uncle Trevor hates the dry kind.

I'm afraid we're fresh out
of f-fresh fennel.

Well, I tried.
Thanks anyway. Bye.

- Hey, where you off to?
- Home.

Well, we haven't seen you around
here for quite a while.

Yeah, well, uh,
someone's been stayin'

in our house
for a couple of days.



A relative?

Hm, sort of, uh..

- She's my mother.
- Mm.

You have a mother?

I'm a mammal, aren't I?

What ALF is trying to say
is that

you've never mentioned
your mother before.

Yeah, we figured she was dead.

What Brian
is trying to say is that

since you live
with your aunt and uncle

we thought your mother
might perhaps be

well, you know..


Look, there must be some reason

Jake never told me
about his mother.

We're best friends,
blood brothers

two sides of the same
Double Stuf Oreo.

I think in some cultures
we'd be considered engaged.

Perhaps with you around,
he found it difficult

to get a word in edgewise.


For your information,
Jake tells me everything.

About how his father's in jail

about how he flunked
his last math test

about how Trevor and Raquel
like to sometimes dress up

like Norwegian..

Never mind.

'Yoo-hoo! It's Raquel!'

Tell her we're not home.

Bye, ALF.

Let her in.
I'll pretend I'm a fuzzy lamp.

You can pretend that
in the kitchen.

Fine. Which way is the kitchen?

Hey, what do you want
from a lamp?

Oh, hi, Raquel.

- Willie, Kate.
- Hello, Raquel.

I'd like you to meet
my sister-in-law

Elaine Ochmonek.
She's Jake's mother.

Elaine, this is Willie Tanner
and his wife Kate.

- She's pregnant.
- I see that.

- Gee, it's nice to meet you.
- Nice to finally meet you.

Please, come in, come in.
We are so fond of Jake.

Oh, well,
he talks about his-his friends

the Tanners, all the time.

Although, sometimes
he does stop rather abruptly

in the middle of a sentence.

Well, don't we all just..

Don't we all just do that
now and again?


Uh, I really appreciate
everything you've done for Jake.

It's been hard on him,
being away

from all his friends
in New York.

Oh, he's become
like one of the family.

Maybe we can all get together
sometime while you're visiting.

What a lovely idea.

Say, here for dinner,
tomorrow 7:30?

- Uh, well...
- 'Please..'

don't go to any trouble.

- Oh, pish. Kate doesn't mind.
- You know..

Do you, Kate?


Good. Besides,
they owe us a dinner.

Not that
I'm the kind of a person

who would bring that up.

7:30 tomorrow will be fine.

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice meeting you.

Buh-bye. Bye.


- Fuzzy lamp.
- Fuzzy lamp.

Here's the rest
of the zucchini, Trevor.

Oh, thanks, Kate.

Why did you say
Kate was a bad cook?

Don't talk
with your mouth full, Trevor.

In fact, don't talk at all.

Everything is just delicious.

Thank you.

Well, I'm full. Shall we go?

Jake, where are your manners?
We just sat down.

Don't you want dessert?
Mom defrosted Sara Lee.


I brought your supper, ALF.

I had to sneak it past
the Ochmoneks.

Thank the warden for me.

Come on, at least mom and dad
agreed you could stay up here

instead of the garage.

That's only because
the dungeon isn't finished yet.

Stop complaining.

How's it going down there?

Jake's mother seems very nice.

- How's Jake?
- He's still acting weird.

Weird? How weird?
A little weird? Medium weird?

Big weird? Or Ochmonek weird?

Uncomfortable weird.

I knew it. She's an impostor.

- Who?
- Jake's mother.

She's really not his mother.

She's his father!

I feel another theory coming on.

See, Jake's father
isn't really in jail.

He's masquerading as his mother

to avoid doing hard time
on the rock.

Now, that sounds like it
couldn't possibly not be true.

Look, if Jake really
has a mother

why is he living
with his aunt and uncle?

Tsk. I don't know, but I'm sure
there's a logical explanation.

Well, I'm not.

To quote
a famous deli owner on Melmac

"Something is awry."

Enjoy your dinner, ALF.

If I find out anything more

about Jake's mother,
I'll let you know.

Don't be afraid
to ask questions. Probe.

Go through his purse!


I'm sorry. I was detained.

- Everything alright?
- Fine.

- No problem in the attic?
- None.

You got problems
with your attic?

Yes. N-no..
I mean, I was, but now I'm not.

Could you pass the potatoes,

I had pigeons in my attic once.

- What a mess!
- Trevor, please.

The place looked
like it was stuccoed.

- Trevor, we're eating.
- I mean...

What? It's not like
I'm makin' it up.

So, Elaine, how long will you
be staying in California?

- Mm, not long.
- 'Well..'

Right, mom?

I'm leavin' on Wednesday.

Oh, what a shame
you can't stay longer.

- Well, I...
- She can't. She-she'd love to.

But she can't,
she's gotta go back

to New York. She lives there.

- 'Jake.'
- What?

I'm sure your mother
can speak for herself.

I know,
it's just that it's rude

to speak
with a mouthful of food.

And my mouth was empty
at the time.

- So I thought that maybe...
- Cork it, eh, Jake?

Kate, you got anymore
of that chicken in there?

I'll check.

If not, I'll take a burger.

Uh, excuse me,
can I use your powder room?

- Oh, certainly.
- 'Use the one off the bedroom.'

The other sink is stopped up.

Uh, it's just at the end
of the hall.

- On the left.
- Oh, thank you.

Uh, l-let me show you
where it is.

I'm sure I can find it myself.

Excuse me.


Uh-oh, nature's calling

and the phones are all

Okay, ALF, just concentrate.

Mind over bladder.
Mind over bladder.

Bladder over mind.

No wonder Jake didn't wanna
talk about his mother.

She's a crook.

Great dessert, Kate.

Thank you for a lovely dinner.

Well, you're very welcome.

Let's go.

Wait a second, Jake.

Simple items
were simply delicious, Kate.

You shouldn't feel bad
about the chicken.

Thank you.

Let's go, come on!

What's your hurry?

- I got homework.
- Homework?

Since when have you been
an overachiever?

Cool your jets,
we're coming, alright?

Well, I guess
we should be going.

- Bye, Kate.
- Buh-bye.

- Bye.
- Bye-Bye.


What in the world
is wrong with Jake?

I'm glad you've asked
that question.

ALF, what are you doing

Uh, Willie,
you're probably wondering

why I've gathered you all here.

That's it, from now on
when we have guests

you will stay in the garage.


But if I was in the garage

I wouldn't have found out
what I found out.

What did you find out?

I'll give you a hint.

It's what I did to your hearts
the day I came here.

Um, break.

I said hearts, not house.

Oh, stop trying to change
the subject, ALF.

You know that you were supposed
to stay in the attic.

I'm not trying
to change the subject.

Okay, I am.
But this is really, really good!

You wanna hear it?


But it'll clear up
two mysteries at once.

A, why is Jake acting so weird?

And B, where is
Kate's big, red pin?

You mean my garnet brooch?

The one that belonged
to my grandmother?

The one that looked like
a bunch of lumpy grapes.

It's in my jewelry box.


It used to be
in your jewelry box.

Now it's in
Jake's mother's pocket.

Oh, ALF! Why would you say
something like that?

Because it's true.

I happened to be strolling
past your boudoir door

while she was doing
the old five-finger fandango

in your jewelry box.

I'll go check.

You're not kidding, are you?

Trust me, the woman's a felon!

You better be right about this,
you know, it's very dangerous

to wrongfully accuse people
of misdeeds.

Misdeeds? What are you,
writing commandments now?

Do you think
Jake knows about this?


Why else do you think
he's been acting like

Norman Bates on Mother's Day?

Is Jake's mom a crook, dad?

Oh, I don't think so, B.

After all, she's only
an Ochmonek by marriage.

ALF's right. My brooch is gone.

You doubted my veracity?

That pains me.

Willie, what are we gonna do?

That brooch has been
in my family for so long.

Well, the situation
has to be handled delicately.

I'll speak to Trevor.

What am I saying?

Hey, hey, let me
straighten it out with Jake.

I can handle it.

Well, alright, ALF,
you can speak to Jake.

But remember, be tactful.

Explain to him that we don't
wanna cause him any problems.

We just want that brooch back.

Don't worry.

I know just how to handle this.

Where do we keep the hot light
and the bull horn?

Uh, Brian said
you wanted to talk to me?

Oh, yeah, I did. I do.

I did and I do. Both.

So talk.

You start.

I don't have anything
to talk about.

Nothing you wanna say to me?

No, you're the one who wanted
to talk to me, remember?

Ah, yes, yes.

- Well?
- Well..

What I have to talk about
is difficult.

I don't know how to broach
the subject.

You can trust me.

I know.
And I appreciate that, Jake.

I'm glad you could steal
some time to talk with me.

My pleasure.

I mean, I don't wanna rob you

of any time with your mother.

What are you trying to say, ALF?


If I had something to say
about your mother

I'd say it.

What about my mother?

Well, she seems very nice.

I mean, we haven't met
or anything

but she certainly doesn't look
like a thief.

She's not a thief.

Okay, she's a sleepwalker
who's into accessories.

She's neither of those either.

Well, I saw her take a brooch
from Kate's jewelry box.

I was afraid of that.

So you do know something
about this.


See, my mom's a kleptomaniac.


A what?

She doesn't mean to take things
that don't belong to her.

The doctor says
she just can't help herself.

I think the problem is
she does help herself.

It-it's a sickness
of the mind, kinda.

I thought she was coming out
here to tell me she was better.

Well, it's a small brooch.

Maybe she's trying to cut down.

Look, I'll get it back,
don't worry.

What are you gonna say to her?

I don't know, I-I-I guess
I'll wait till she's asleep

and lift it off her.

Who are you people, the Capones?

You've gotta talk to her
about this.

It won't do any good, besides

she's going back to New York

Oh, good,
she'll take Manhattan, the Bronx

and Staten Island, too.

Look, ALF, I've had this fight
with my mother a million times.

I give up on her.

Well, how could you give up
on your own mother?

I mean, it's not like
she's the Cubs.

Look, I said I'd get
your stupid pin, didn't I?

Now why don't you just
leave me alone?

Well, if you're gonna be
that way about it

I suggest you leave.

- Uh, hi, mom.
- Hi, honey.

Come on in.

- Uh, nice suitcase.
- Thanks.

- Those aren't your initials.
- I won it.

You know, um

there's something
I'd like to talk to you about.

Hm, me, too.
But, uh, you go first.

Well, since school's

almost out for the summer anyway

I thought you'd might wanna
come home with me now.

Oh, I thought maybe
you wanted to talk about dinner

at the Tanners last night.

What do you mean?
I had a very nice time.

About what happened there.

We ate roast chicken.

After that.

- We had coffee.
- Before that.

Look, as much as I'm enjoying
this trip down memory lane

would you like to tell me
what you're getting at?

Look, I know you took a pin

out of Mrs. Tanner's jewelry box
last night.

That's impossible!

you could have taken it

or impossible
I could know about it?

I didn't. And even if I did,
everybody was at dinner.

- Nobody could have possibly...
- Nothing's changed, has it, ma?

Yeah, something's changed,
you got a mouth.

How could you? How could you
steal from the Tanners?

They're my friends, ma.

I was gonna give it back.

Actually, it's pretty tacky.

I-I can't believe you!

You come out here
hopin' I'll go back with you

and then you pull somethin'
like this!

Honey, you know
I never planned to do this.

It just happens.

The problem is
that it's still happenin'.

Are-are you seein' your shrink?

I give up.

If you won't help yourself

there's nothin' I can do.

Yes, there is.

You could come home with me.

We made a deal, remember?

I would come home
when you were better.

I am better.

Well, I'm-I'm almost better.

A-and it would be a lot easier
if you were there with me.

We tried that before.
I'm not what you need right now.

- Jake, you...
- I want things to work out!

But you have to want it, too.

I do.

Then how about goin' next door
and givin' this pin back

to Mrs. Tanner?

I can't.

I'm-I'm-I'm sorry, Jake.
I'd like to.

I just..

I just can't.

Not yet.

Yo, Jake.

ALF, how long
have you been out there?

Long enough.

But for what it's worth,
I think you did the right thing.

Yeah. So how come
I feel so crummy?

You ate Kate's cooking
last night, remember?

Anyway, I'm glad you're not
going back to New York.

I, uh, kinda wish I was.

Well, that was really nice
what you said to your mom.

You know,
there's nothing like the love

between a mother and child.

Except, maybe the love
between two florists.

Give this back to Mrs. Tanner,
would you?

And, uh, tell her
I'm, we're sorry.

So what happens
to your mother now?

I guess she'll go back
to her doctor.

Well, I hope he's an eye doctor.

This is the ugliest pin
I've ever seen!

Looks like a blood clot.
Ha. Blood clot!

Ha. Oh, I kill me.

I still don't get it.

How come Jake's mother
takes stuff

but she's not a crook?

Well, Jake's mother suffers
from a psychological disorder

that motivates her
to steal impulsively

without being prompted
by any apparent need or desire.

Thanks for clearing
that up, dad.

How's Jake taking all of this?

The poor boy's
been through an awful lot.

Well, he's doing much better.

His mom went back
to New York early this morning.

Did they resolve anything
before she left?

Only that he won't go back
to live with her

until she gets help.

Oh, that's too bad.

Well, maybe that's exactly
the motivation that she needed.

Maybe. Maybe not.

She took Trevor's
coin collection with her.