ALF (1986–1990): Season 3, Episode 16 - Baby Love - full transcript

Now that Kate is pregnant and the focus is on her unborn child, ALF feels neglected. Raquel throws a surprise baby shower, to which Andrea from the neighborhood brings her baby. ALF, meet baby. Baby, meet ALF.

Okay, how about
Cameron if it's a boy

and Amanda
if it's a girl?

You know, I was thinking
if it was a girl

maybe we could
name it after my mother.

You want to name her
the Witch of Endor?


What about naming her Whitney?

Or maybe Sheila E.?

I've got the perfect name

Rin Tin Tanner.

You want to name
my child after a dog?

A noble dog.

A brave dog.

A dog who saved lives.

And if it's a girl,
we'll call her Spuds.

[theme music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

Hi.. ALF!

What have I told you
about being inside the house

when there are people here.

More than I really
care to know.

Well, go on
out to the garage

and don't come back
until the workmen

'have left for the day.'

They've been here for weeks.

How long does it take to build
a stupid baby nursery anyway?

Twice as long as they
tell you it's gonna take.

Why don't you come out with me?

We can play pin the tailpipe
back on the car.

It's not as bad as it sounds.

I'm sorry,
I can't right now, ALF.

Kate and I are gonna have

our first Lamaze class
this afternoon.

What's a Lamaze class?

It's where expectant parents
rehearse for the baby's birth.

Today we're gonna
practice breathing.

Well, I could teach you that.

One, inhale.

[inhales deeply]

Two, exhale.

[exhales sharply]

There, you graduated.

Now you don't have to go.

Sorry, ALF,
Kate and I are breathing

together this afternoon.

Admit it, wilderness

this baby's become
an obsession with you.

Well, of course
it's an obsession.

It's the miracle of life.

It's-it's the marvel of creation

the mystery of being.


You're giving birth
to an episode of "Nova."

[instrumental music]

And then, the doctor put the
ultrasound machine on my stomach

and we could see
the baby's head

and we could see
the baby's legs.

We even saw
its heart beating.

Please, Kate!

Some of us are eating here.

Since when have
you been squeamish?

Since Kate started
talking about that parasite

that's growing
and changing inside of her.

Speaking of parasites,
ALF, are you ready

for your fifth
helping of meat loaf?

Don't mind if I do.

When the baby gets here

are we gonna be able
to tell it about ALF?

We'll have to eventually.

You know, the funny thing
about this baby is that

it's going to be
growing up with ALF.

I mean, you know,
to the baby

he won't be weird or anything.

He'll just be...normal.

Don't mind me.

I love being discussed
in the third person.

Sorry, ALF.

Just don't let it happen again.

[doorbell rings]

I'll get it. Hide him.

Oh, hi, Raquel. Hey, Laverne.

Uh, we're sorry
to disturb your dinner.

Oh, we're used to..

I mean, come on in.

Oh, and how's
the little mommy-to-be?

Not so little.

She blocks the whole TV
when she walks in front of it.

Well, you know the old adage

"Pregnancy is nature's
little way of saying

wear a tent."

I've heard that.

We'll only take a moment.

It's about the Litwak's house.

Isn't it, Laverne?

What? Oh, right.
Yes, our house. Yes.

Wh-what about
your house, Laverne?

Well, we might want to sell it,
someday, you know.

So, I was wondering, well, Kate

since you're in the actual
field of real estate

what, um, you thought..

...about that.

About what?

- Laverne.
- Hmm.

Kate could probably
get a much better idea

of what your house is worth
if you take her outside

and go over there
for at least five minutes.

That would help a lot.


If you wouldn't mind.

You know, just in case
we decide to sell it someday.

Well, al-alright, Laverne.

If it's..
If it's that important.

Take your time now.

Ladies, you know
the old adage

"Appraise in haste,
repent at leisure."

That one I hadn't heard.

I thought they'd never leave.

Well, whatever's up, Raquel?

Laverne and I want to throw

a surprise baby shower for Kate.

- That's very..
- Here.

- ...nice..
- Saturday.

...of you.

We've asked, uh,
Kate's college friends

and all the women
in the neighborhood

except for Hazel Hurlbut.

She and I have not spoken

since that ugly
leaf-raking incident.

A baby shower sounds like fun.

I could help.

That was the plan.

Now, we will bring everything

but the refreshments,
the decorations

the party favors,
and the folding chairs.

Sounds fair.

Well, it's the least
Auntie Raquel can do.

Well, I'll you
get back to your dinner.

Meat loaf again, huh?

We liked it.

Well, to each his own.


What's a surprise baby shower?

It's a big pain in the..

So, when's my shower?

How did you know?

Laverne cracked.

Well, at least
pretend to be surprised

so you don't hurt
Auntie Raquel's feelings.

If it's more convenient

I could stay out here.

And you could just pitch the
rest of my dinner into my mouth.

Just come back
to the table, ALF.

No thanks.

I've heard enough
about the stepford baby.

[instrumental music]

- Laverne.
- Hmm.

You're supposed
to twist streamers

when you hang them.

Oh, is that written somewhere?

Well, it doesn't
have to be written somewhere.

If everybody knows something

there's no need to write it.

Hazel Hurlbut was right.

- What?
- Nothing. Nothing.

[doorbell rings]

Excuse me.

- Lynn, hi.
- Hi. Come on in.

What a thoughtful present.

We can practice
on this one.

I hope you don't mind.

The sitter came down with a
serious case of concert tickets.

'Are you kidding?'

Listen, mom will
be here any minute.

He is so cute.

Oh, Andrea,
you brought the baby.

I suppose that's nice.

So, this is where they're
gonna stash the bad seed.

I may throw up.

Which could only help
this wallpaper.




Oh, great. The incredible
expanding woman is home.

Oh, what,
what a wonderful surprise.

Oh, thank you, Raquel, Laverne.

How did you know
it was our idea?

Who else..

...could be so thoughtful?

Oh, Andrea,
you brought little Elliot.

Yeah. I'm afraid
it's past his nap time, though.

If, if there's somewhere
I could just go lay him down.

We can christen the nursery.

Come on,
I'll show you where it is.


Oh, hi.

Kate, were you really surprised?

Oh, yes. I was shocked.
Really. I had no idea.

You told her, didn't you?

[instrumental lullaby music]

Oh, man.

Heavy trip.

'It's right in here, Andrea.'

- Oh, what a cute room.
- Thanks.

Come on, sweetie.

There we go.

Does he need anything?

Um, $35,000 for college.


He'll be fine.

So you're a rug rat.

Not very user-friendly,
are you?


We're getting one of you
bundles of joy pretty soon.

Yeah. Yeah.

People will be making
a big fuss over it.

Lynn will be saying things like

"Uchie cuchie, little mimi."


Kate will be
bring it baby formula.

Whatever that is.

Brian will be reading to it.


'Willie will be changing
it's diapers'

'taking it to the movies.'

And I'll be..


Oh, I'll be sneezing
my snout straight.

I think I'm allergic
to this thing.


[ALF sneezing]

[sneezing continues]

I'll check on that.

It was probably the cat.

Or the plumbing.

Or the cat in the plumbing.

Excuse me.

Bridge mix?

[ALF sneezing]

Aren't you gonna
say gesundheit?

What is the matter with you?

I'm allergic to babies.

ALF, that is ridiculous.

Oh, yeah?



See, allergic to babies.

[knock on door]

What is going on in here?

ALF, we have a house
full of guests.

I'm afraid I've got
some bad news, motherlode.

You won't be able
to keep your baby.


I found out
I'm allergic to them.

But don't worry,
I'll make it up to you.


I'll get you a goldfish.

You are not giving away
our baby.

Who said anything
about giving it away?

I'm sure we can get
a good price for it.

I'm sure we can get
a better price for you.


ALF, it's-it's probably
just the baby powder

that's making you sneeze.

No. No, it's not.

On Melmac we used baby powder

instead of non-dairy creamer
on our tacos.


We will talk about this later.

Now, please, get back out
to the garage.



Oh, this is all your fau..




Hey, they really are
more absorbent.

[instrumental music]

'No thanks, Uncle Trevor.'

I'm not really hungry.

I didn't know it was possible
to stuff pork rinds.


ALF! ALF, what
are you doing in here?

I've run away from garage.

What are you talking about?

Well, I can't run
away from home

because I don't have
a home anymore.

What happened?

I'm allergic to babies.

Kate's having one

she won't let me sell it.

Ergo, I go.

I never heard of anybody being
allergic to babies before.

Oh, excuse me,
knower of all things!

If you haven't heard of it

it must be my imagination.

How did you get in here?

Agility, cunning..

...and waiting for Trevor
to go into the john.

You can't stay here.
It's too risky.

Come on, I'll take you
back to the Tanners.


You're heavier
than you look.

I have big bones.

So, which side
of the bed do you want?

ALF, you can't live
in my room.

What if Aunt Raquel
and Uncle Trevor see ya?

Good point.

Let's get a place
at the beach.

ALF, we can't be roommates.

It just wouldn't work out.

We'll get along fine.

I'll be the sloppy one.

[instrumental music]

- Oh, it's so cute.
- I know.

So when are you going
to break down

and have one of your own?

Oh, please.
I can't even grow plants.


I'm sorry to be a wet blanket

but I really do
have a plane to catch.

Oh, honey, thank you so much

for coming all this way.

I wouldn't have missed it
for the world.

- Oh.
- I should get going too.

I left my daughter at mall
three hours ago.

If I don't pick her up soon,
I think

I'm gonna have to get
a second job.

Say goodbye to Willie for me.

Oh, I will.

A seven-year-old knows
that you're supposed to

twist streamers
when you hang them.

Well then, next time
you wanna throw a baby shower

get a seven-year-old
to help you.

Don't think I won't.

You still owe me
for that plastic stork.

Dad, why do they
call these cold cuts?

Oh, I don't know.

Because they're cold and..

...they're cut, I guess.

Cold cuts.
Uh, I don't know.

Well, what would you call them
if you heated them up?

I don't know.

I don't know nothing.

[knock on door]


Yeah. Come on in.

Uh, hi, Mr. Tanner.

- Hi, squirt.
- Hi, Jake.

Hello, Jake. What's up?



Something wrong?

Not wrong exactly.

More like missing.

What, did you lose something?

Look, I can't come
right out and tell ya.

I said I wouldn't,
and I got honor.

You name some stuff
that could be missing

and I'll tell you
whether you're hot or cold.

- ALF.
- Hot.

I win.

How do you know he's missing?

I found him.

- Where is he?
- My room.

Top of the stairs,
second door on your right.

Now, the room is starting
to work for me.

ALF? ALF, what are you doing?

All that I can
with these pieces.

Come home with me
this instant!

I am home, Willie.

I live here now.

Would you give me a hand
with that chiffonier?

Stop redecorating.

What if Trevor
and Raquel hear you?

Relax, wilco.

They're out in their garden

seeing if any of their potatoes
look like celebrities.

Why would you want
to live here?

What do you care?

You've got Kate
and Lynn and Brian.

And pretty soon
you'll have that..

...B word.

"B word?"

W-what do you mean,
the baby?


See, that's why I can't
live with you anymore.

I'm allergic to babies.

What do you, what do you mean
you're allergic to babies?

Somebody brought one
to Kate's shower

and put it in the nursery.

Soon as I went near the kid

I nearly sneezed up a lung.


Well, you're sneezing now.

There's no baby here.

Well, all I have to do
is think about babies

and I sneeze.

Well, there you are, ALF.

You're not allergic to babies.

The whole thing
is psychosomatic.


What's that, a food processor
at the Bates Motel?

It means you may think that this
baby is gonna take your place.

Don't try to analyze me

I'm too complex.

Well, I'm worried
about you, ALF.

Yeah, well, don't bother.

I'm no longer
a concern of yours.

I'm history. Vapor.

Yesterday's old,
stinky, smelly garbage

with maggots all over it.

You know, when I married Kate

I loved her more than
anything in the world.

And then we had
Lynn and Brian

and I found out
I love them just as much

but that didn't mean
that I loved Kate any the less.

And then..

Well, maybe, uh..'s not exactly
the same, but.. know, we love you, pal.

We all do.

On whose behalf
are you speaking?

Well, my own,
of course, and..

...Lynn's and Brian's.

Yeah? And?

And I'm sure Kate,
in her own special way..

In her own particular way..

Her own unique way..
She loves you.

You mean that?

No one, believe me.. one could ever
take your place.


...if you really think

that you'd like
to live over here..

Well, well, this room
and I really aren't in sync

and there's no sink
in this room.


But what?

But if I'm to stay
at your house

I wanna be important
to you guys.

I wanna be a part of things.

I want.. name your baby.


Forget it.

'Jake, are you in there?'

ALF, hide.

No kidding, Willie.

Hello, Willie.

Oh, hello, Raquel.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I was looking for our cat.

How did he get in here?

He came in through
the bathroom window.

Well, when you're through
in here, would you please

put the furniture back
the way you found it?

Have a nice day.

Let's go home
and burp the baby.

No, the baby's
not even born yet.

Then let's just
go home and burp.


[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

"'We will have
a new baby soon

"who will need that little bed,'
said papa bear.

"'A new baby?'
Asked small bear.

"He hadn't noticed
that mama bear

"had grown very round lately.

"Although he had noticed

it was harder and harder
to sit on her lap."

Can I sit on your lap?

I'd rather you didn't.


- Mom, dad's looking for you.
- Oh.

He can't find
his dental floss.

Tell him to look
in the toilet tank.

Don't ask.


...isn't this book
a little young for you?

I know that.

You know that.

Apparently no one's told Kate.

Want me to?

Nah. Her maternal instinct's
in overdrive.

She wants to think of me
as her 232-year-old toddler

I can handle it.

That's very nice of you, ALF.

I know.


I can't wait to see
how this turns out.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]