ALF (1986–1990): Season 3, Episode 12 - Do You Believe in Magic? - full transcript

ALF gets interested in magic tricks, so Willie gives his old magic trick set to him. When ALF discovers he is no good at magic tricks even though he has the desire, he naturally concludes that he needs proper magician's tools.

What are you guys doing?

It's a magic trick
we just saw on TV.

It's called
"The Two-Layer Pineapple

Surprise Cake
In A Sun Hat" trick.

With mom's sun hat?

We couldn't find Willie's.

And now, without further ado,
a pinch of yeast

and two eggs.

One, two.

Does mom know you're
using her sun hat?

Silence, please!

Will the young man with
the freckles and the overbite

please mix the ingredients.

She doesn't know, does she?

I'm running this trick
on a need-to-know basis.

- Is it done?
- Perfect!

Now cover the hat
with the plate

as I say the magic words.

Hacus pacus..

...Betty Crock-us.


Ladies and gentlemen

ALF's magical two-layer
pineapple surprise..


What are you doing?

It was Kate's idea.

I have to write
this 100 times.

On the refrigerator?

She didn't say.

Allow me to present
an alternative

to writing on
the major appliances.

What's that?

It's a magic kit.

I thought I'd introduce you

to some less messy tricks.

What do you know about magic?

I dabbled a little
when I was your age.

Uh.. Your height.

Really? Oh! Oh!
Show me! Show me!

Well.. Yeah.

Here. Pick a card.

Any card.

Pick...a card.

I'm gonna tell you
what that card is.

I know what the card is.

It's the nine of clubs.

Pick another...card.

Any card. This time don't
tell me what it is.



There. Happy?


Now you take
a good look at that card

and then put it
back in the pack.

Alright, now,
I'm going to concentrate

on your thoughts.


Our thought waves
are connecting..

I feel the vibrations..

Ha! Aha!

Is that your card?

Beats me.

Don't you remember?

You said take a look

not commit to memory.

ALF, this is your card.

These cards are marked.

Well, you cheated!

I didn't cheat.

You cheated, you lied

you said that you loved me.

It's not cheating.

It's part of the trick. Watch.

Wow! How did you do that?

It's all here.

It's right in here!

Well, can I see?

First, I want you to make

the writing on
the refrigerator disappear.

No problem.

Alakazoo, alakazam!

I think this
would work better.

Alakazoo, alakazam!

Yo, it's showtime!

Actually, ALF, it's HBO.

Ladies and gentlemen

may I present..

...ALF the Stupefying!


What magic have we to look
forward to tonight, Stupe?

Picture, if you will

an ordinary flowerpot.

Empty to the human eye.

But one tap with
my magic wand

and the flowerpot becomes..

...big jaggedy pieces of clay.


I'll get the dustpan.

Uh-uh. No need!

My lovely assistant will
take care of it later.

I guess I'm
the lovely assistant.

For my next trick

I'll need a volunteer
from the audience.

Ah, yes!

The lady with the questionable
fashion sense!

What's going on?

ALF is being stupefying.

Oh, well, I would love to watch

but I'm going to the Octoplex.

- Dad, can I borrow $10?
- Well, I guess so. Sure.


Hey, this is even better!

I'll do the disappearing
$10 bill trick.

I think we just saw that.

Young lady, please put your
$10 bill into this envelope

and seal it.

Ah, okay.

All done!

Good, I will now put
the envelope

containing your $10 bill

into my magic pan.


A few magic shakes

and the money
will disappear.

It's still there.

Well, so it is.

We'll have to make it
disappear the hard way.

'Willie, he's got a blowtorch.'

I think these matches
will do just fine.

Sure, if you don't
care about showmanship.

light the envelope on fire.

Now, here..

...peel this.

'And tell everyone'

'what you have found
embedded inside.'

I have found a banana.

No $10 bill?

Um, um, Willie?

Please check your wallet

and tell us
what you find inside.

Just my 20.


Not only did I resurrect
that $10 bill..

...I doubled it!

Thanks, dad.

I can't spend that.

Umm, you've been
a lovely audience.

Goodnight and drive carefully.

Hold it, Mr. Stupefying.


It didn't work.

Who am I kidding?

I'm no good at this.

How cruel fate is,
to plant the desire within me

but not the ability.

We watched
"On The Dais" last night.


I thought you
gave up on magic.

Something about
being no good at it.

Being no good at something

is no reason to quit.

Ask anyone at
the Fox Network.

I admire your perseverance.

As long as you're
not burning money.


Hey, Willie,
you wanna see a trick?

Well, sure.

Okay, uh, first I need
to borrow a handkerchief.

Well, here we go.


I'll also need your watch.

Well, you-you will be
careful with it, won't you?

Of course.



Thank you.

Now you will notice
that in one hand

I hold a man's wristwatch.

In the other

a velvet pouch.

Would you say that
the watch is intact, sir?

So far, yes.

Watch this.

I wave my hand over the bag

say the magic words

Hocus pocus..

...go for broke-us.

And your watch.. as good as new.

Oh.. Uh..

I.. I don't believe it..!

Was that a new watch?



Rabbit on my chest.


- The Stupefying.
- The Stupefying.



Kate! Willie!

You're just in time
to see my newest trick.

Where did these
rabbits come from?

Well, first father rabbit

picked up mother rabbit
in the singles' bar.

- Then...
- You know what I mean.

Where did you
get all this stuff?

Buckley's House of Magic.

You bought all this?

Rented it, actually.

They gave me
the professional discount.

You still want
to encourage him?

Aw, come on, Kate

it could be worse.


ALF's gonna saw me in half.

Much worse.

You are not going
to saw our son.

- Yes, I am!
- You are not!

But I'm ready for the big time.

How long does a guy have to toil
in kiddie tricks?

Maybe until he completes
one or two of them successfully.

Maybe he doesn't
stand a chance

when all the diagrams favored
five-fingered magicians.

Maybe he's gotten into something
a little over his head.

Maybe at three foot two

everything he gets
into is over his head.

Oh, ALF, enough is enough.

But I was just getting started.

Did somebody lose this?

Yo, right here.

ALF, I'm gonna say
in terms so simple

that even you cannot
possibly misunderstand.


Learning magic requires
diligence and patience.

Two qualities which you've
not as yet demonstrated.

Face it, ALF.

You just don't have
the talent for magic.


Kick the prestidigitator
when he's down.

One, two, three, four, five, eight.

Hey, two and three..

...could you at least wait
until the lights are out.

Hey, ALF, I found
your magic sign in the trash.

Right next to my career.

You're not gonna
give up, are you?

The magic wand's retired, B.

Unlike Billy Martin..

...I know when to hang it up.

But you promised I could
be in one of your tricks.

I guess I'll have
to make it up to you.

Okay then.

Make it up to me
by making me disappear.

No, I don't feel like it.

Oh, come on, ALF, please?

Alright, get in the box.

Okay, remember how
we saw it on TV?

You close the curtain

and you spin the box
around three times.

Ixnay on the spinning.

If you puke in that box

it can't be returned.

You alright in there?

It's alright!

Thank you, Junior Wences.

I'll say the magic words..

Alakazoo, alakazam.

I'll show you what a hack I am.


Yo, B, you in there?



I came, I saw

I demolecularized.

I can do magic!

Uh-oh, now I'll make
you reappear, B.


Uh, abracadabra, alakazam..

...I'm a better magician
than I thought I am!


A glitch in the finale.

Uh, alakazam.

Oh, no.

Uh, I vaporized the boy.

Kate and Willie
will not be pleased.

Especially since Willie told me
not to do any more tricks.

Oh, wait a minute.

I smell a conspiracy here.

I also smell eight rabbits
cooped up in a garage.



Okay, where is he?

Where's who?

Your little stooge.

Is he hiding under the sink?

Okay, Brian! Come on out!

Simon says!

You know what
he's talking about?

Hardly ever.

You really don't know what
I'm talking about, do you?



Simon says, everyone
take one giant step

out to the garage.

Then I said some
more magic words

but when I opened the box
Brian was gone!

Well, not gone exactly.

Just smaller and fond of salad.

Oh, wait. Here.. Here we go!

I knew there had to be
a secret compartment somewh..

Brian's not here.

Don't deny your son's existence

just because he's a little
different from the rest of us.

ALF, don't be ridiculous.

He is being ridiculous,
isn't he, Willie?

Oh, of course he's
being ridiculous.

It's not possible
to turn people into rabbits.

Even with magic?

It isn't magic, ALF.

It's a trick!

That's your theory.

Honey, he must be
in the house somewhere.

Come on, let's go look for him.

Don't worry, Brian.

You'll get used to
the big ear jokes.

Well, thank you, Mrs. Beckham.

If Brian does show up, will
you send him home, please?

Okay. Thanks so much.

- Not there, either.
- Unh-unh.

Honey, I-I don't know
who else to call.

I'm sure Brian's fine.

He-he wouldn't just run off
without letting us know.

Hey, Kate, you got
any carrots left?

Your son looks hungry.

ALF, did you get that
cage from Brian's room?

That's right.

What did you do with the snake?

What are you so worried
about the snake for?

We're talking about your
own fur and blood here!

Kate, when you checked
in Brian's room

did you look under the bed?


Well, I'm sure he's under there

playing cave dwellers again.

Watch out for the snake!

He was pretty mad
when I dumped him out.



Do you understand me?


Hop once for yes

twice for no.

Hi, ALF.

How did you do that?

You didn't even move
your little rabbit lips.

Rabbit lips?

Brian, you're not a rabbit!

Oh, Brian!

- Hi, dad.
- Where have you been?

I was hiding in the car.
But I got hungry.

Why were you hiding in the car?

I wanted ALF to think
he made me disappear

so he wouldn't think
he's a bad magician.

Oh! Oh, honey.

It was nice of you not
to want ALF to feel bad

but we were very,
very worried about you.


I thought I turned
you into a rabbit.

Sorry, mom, dad.

Sorry, ALF.

I guess I messed up the trick.

That's okay, Bri.

Now you can clean up
your own pellets.

A very large snake
just slithered into my gym bag.

Somebody please do something.

You better not have
scared Captain Eo.


As soon as we're finished here

we're gonna pack up
all the rabbits

and all the magic boxes

and we're gonna send them back

whence they came, right?


Oh, ALF. You didn't have to
bring us breakfast in bed.

It was the least I could do

after I almost misplaced
your son and everything.

Say, I'm sorry the magic
thing didn't work out.

That's okay.
I've thought about it

and I believe
my true calling in life

is to build
powerful fireworks displays.

If you need me,
I'll be on the phone

Buckley's House of Gunpowder.