ALF (1986–1990): Season 3, Episode 11 - Alone Again, Naturally - full transcript

It's about time
you got back with the food.

ALF, we've only been
gone an hour.

An hour and twelve minutes

according to
seven of my stomachs.

ALF. ALF. Can't you
wait for us to unpack them?

Let's see..

...no!

Hey, did you
get the stuff on my list?

Sorry, ALF,
grocery stores on Earth

still don't carry
Melmacian junk food.

What about pudding in a shoe?



Not available west of Jupiter.

Well, it's always better
homemade anyway.

Willie, can I borrow
a pair of your wingtips?

You may not cook
in my shoes.

Socks?

Let the edict
include all footwear.

Fine. Eat your bland desserts.

Oh! Here, ALF.

We did buy you this.

My "National Inquisitor!" Great!

At least I can read
about Michael Jackson's

skull reduction.

I can't believe
you actually read that stuff.

Well, pardon me,
Mr. US-News-And-World-Report.



Our alien is hooked
on gossip magazines.

That sounds like
a headline from one of them.

[chuckles]
Well, be thankful
that he likes that magazine.

That actually keeps him quiet
for 30 minutes at a time.

[ALF screams]

[thud]

Thirty seconds...at a time.

He's, he's fainted.

[theme music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

- What happened?
- ALF fainted.

Oh.

Please.

No more portly women.

What happened, ALF?

I can't believe it, Willie.

Read the headline on page two.

"Corn chip dead ringer
for Liberace."

Wow!

Not that.
The headline next to it.

"Couple in Barstow
living with space alien."

That's it!

Oh, ALF, don't be ridiculous.

ALF, there's, there's
an article like, like this one

in every issue of this magazine.

But this one is different.
Read on!

"The alien is described
as being short and furry

with large ears
and a long snout."

That sounds like ALF.

Keep reading.

"The creature is said
to be fond of cats

and subsists on a diet of
frozen yogurt and light bulbs."

That's my cousin Blinky.

You have a Cousin Blinky?

We call him that because
he likes to eat light bulbs.

ALF, your Cousin Blinky

is not living in Barstow.

How could you say that?

It's printed right there next to
Raymond Burr's makeup tips.

Let's try to get a grip
on reality here.

Just consider for a moment
the tremendous improbability

of an alien from outer space

actually living with a family..

I'll start the car.

Hold it! Hold it!

Give me the paper.

I'm gonna call these people

and I'm gonna
settle this thing right now.

Hello, I'm trying
to reach the Susla residence.

I'm so excited, I could squirt.

What?

It's just an expression.

Are you by any chance the couple

that was in
the "National Inquisitor?"

Oh, cut the chit-chat,
let me talk to them.

You don't really have
a creature from outer space

living with you, do you?

And it eats light bulbs?

Nothing over 75 watts.

I see.

Hand me the phone.

Would your space alien
happen to be

um, little on the pushy side?

Oh, really?

Well, thank you then.
Thank you.

Thank you very much.
Thank you for your time.

Barstow.

No-o-o.

Ye-e-eah.

ALF. Barstow is a three-hour
drive from here.

- But we're cousins.
- ALF, you don't really...

♪ Melmacian cousins
all the way ♪

Believe me, there is a...

♪ One pair
of matching bookends ♪

I'll get my keys.

♪ Barstow we're on our way ♪♪

[instrumental music]

Willie, do I look alright?

You look fine, ALF.

You look just as fine

as the last 29 times
you asked me.

I wanna look my best.

I'm really unhappy with this
new cream rinse I've been using.

I realize how important
this is to you, ALF..

...but I-I don't..

[coughs]

I don't want you
to be disappoint..

[coughing]

What is that?

Antiperspirant.

I sweat when I'm nervous.

Put it away.
It smells terrible.

Fine.

I'll slap on
some of this cologne instead.

[scoffs]

[coughs]

Here, Willie. Smell this.

Oh.

[sniffs]
Yeah.

[sniffs]
What's this?

Asbestos.

[coughs]

Too musky?

[blows a raspberry]

As I was saying..

...I realized
how important this is to you.

That's why I'm driving
all the way

to Barstow, you know, but I...

Willie, I know
what you're gonna say.

- You do?
- Sure.

And I appreciate the offer.

And I know
that Blinky is gonna

fit into the Tanner household
as well as I do.

[instrumental music]

Well, this must be it.

- Well, see you later.
- Oh, no, wait!

Wait, ALF!

Remember our plan.

I go in
and check this out first.

That's your plan.

We can't take any chances.
Let caution be our credo.

"Let caution be our credo?"

Stay in the car.

And stay down.

[car door shuts]

I just know I'm gonna squirt.

[spray hissing]

[doorbell rings]

- Hello.
- Hello.

My name is William Tanner.

I called earlier today

regarding your claim
to have an alien.

Right this way.

[door creaks]

Please excuse the house.

It's a bit cluttered
since the tent fire.

Tent fire?

We had a traveling museum
of sorts.

Our lives are devoted

to accessing the unknown

harvesting the bizarre

and exploiting the hideous
atrocities of nature.

How nice.

It's a living.

Uh, that's Billy the Kid's
mummified mustache.

Oh, what's that dried up
pink thing underneath it?

Billy's lips.

- About this alien..
- Oh, no. Not another one.

Uh, this is my husband Nick.

Goodbye, Nick.

Uh, pleased to meet you,
Mr. Susla.

Uh, I'm Willie Tanner.

The name is pronounced Soosla.

No, no, you, you were right.

It is Susla.

I should know
how to pronounce my own name.

I think you should by now.

Don't start with me, Betty.

Look, you're wasting your time.

There is no alien here.

What Nick is saying is

that the alien's not here
right now.

That's not what I'm saying.

I'm saying
there is no alien here.

Right now.

Are you saying
that you don't have an alien?

- Yes. We do.
- No. We don't.

I can prove
we have an alien.

Uh, I have a photograph.

- Would you like to see it?
- Yes.

- How much?
- Very much.

No, no, I meant in dollars.

Well, I don't wanna buy it.
I just wanna see it.

And how much
is that worth to you?

Save your money.

- I think I'd better be going.
- Oh, wait.

Uh, for ten bucks

I'll let you have
a glimpse of it.

Okay. Fine.

Don't stare. Glimpse.

You know, it looked..

...amazingly like
a German shepherd

with some kind of antenna
stuck on his head.

Real amazingly.

What kind of person
would put antennas on a dog?

The same kind of person
who would glue a horn on a goat.

It's not a goat. It's a unicorn.

Its horn was loose.

Thank you.

Uh, thank you for your time.

And thank you
for sharing that with me.

It was certainly
worth the ten dollars.

Wait, uh, for another ten

I'll let you see a picture
of his spaceship.

- Maybe another time.
- Oh, too bad.

It looks a lot like a hubcap
with lights glued to it.

I'm warning you, Nick.

Goodbye.

[goat bleats]

'Oh, pardon me.'

'Coming through.'

[goat bleats]

- Can I say just one thing?
- What?

I can't live like this anymore.

Oh, what are you talking about?

I just got a quick ten bucks
out of that sucker.

Fine, we'll apply it
to this month's glue bill.

Oh, ALF. ALF?

[doorbell rings]

[gasps]

ALF!

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

In all my years
with traveling freak shows

I've never seen
anything like you.

Likewise.

Except for Jojo, the Beast Boy.

Betty.

This thing ain't
nothing like Jojo.

This thing ain't human.

Thank you.

No, thank you.

You're exactly what we need

to take this show
on the road again.

Show? What show?

Betty, your
sideshow days are over.

I don't want you
growing the beard again.

[clicks tongue]
I won't have to.

We have our star attraction
right here.

I'm, I'm getting
another one of my headaches.

Then go take
another one of your naps.

Look, I appreciate the offer

but I'm really here
to see Blinky.

Uh, Blinky?

Uh, what's Blinky?

I know you've got him.
Where is he?

Get me Blinky.

Oh, we'll get you a blinky.

We'll get you
all the blinky you want.

You're going to be
very happy with us.

[doorbell rings]

I'll get rid of whoever that is.

[panting]

Oh, excuse me
for bothering you...

- Go away.
- I, I will. I promise.

I just wanted
to retrieve something...

No refunds.

I-I'm not asking for a refund.

I just wanted some..
May I please come in?

I said, "Beat it!"

We're closed!

'Catch us in the spring.
We'll be on the road again.'

[doorbell ringing]

I'm really sorry, but..

Oh, my.

I don't wanna use this.

Go with that impulse.

[door creaks]

Was that, Willie?

Oh, no, no. It wasn't anybody.

Uh, why don't you
just take a seat?

[instrumental music]

[telephone ringing]

Hello?

Kate, it's me.

Oh, Willie,
we were just beginning to worry.

- Is everything alright?
- 'Not exactly.'

Well, what do you mean?

Do they have an alien?

They do now.

- What's going on?
- They have ALF.

And they won't let him go?

I'm gonna go back
and try to get him out

but it, it may take a while.

'Uh, will you call me back?'

I can't, Kate. I spent all my
money glimpsing a Polaroid.

Glimpsing a Polaroid?

- A Polaroid of what?
- Of what?

German shepherd...with antennas.

- Antennas?
- It has antennas?

It just goes downhill
from there, Kate.

I-I'll call you later.
I love you.

Honey, I love you.

What has antennas?

Apparently, German shepherds
in Barstow.

[instrumental music]

[grunting]

It's no wonder
Blinky didn't stick around

if you treat
all your houseguests like this.

How about we bill you
as "Bobo, the Amazing Aardvark.

Hear him talk"?

Betty, come to bed.

Yeah, yeah, in a minute.

Oh, you're gonna make us
a lot of money.

How about
Dodo, the Hairy Parrot?

How about telling me
why I'm tied up?

So she can glue antennas on you.

Shh! Not in front
of the F-R-E-A-K.

Who's Frank?

I'm going to bed.
You coming or not?

Yeah, yeah.

Goodnight, my furry
little gold mine.

Night, Frank.

[door closes]

[grunting]

[thud]

[thud]

(Betty)
'Hey, what's going on
in there?'

Nothing.

[thud]

[glass shatters]

Uh, that was nothing also.

[screams]

- It's me.
- Willie!

(Betty)
'Keep it quiet in there.'

Sorry. Just a painful rope burn.

- You alright, ALF?
- I'm fine.

But I don't know
what they've done to Blinky.

Blinky. I'll show you.

Here.

This is their alien.

Looks like a German shepherd
with antlers.

Oh, we'll be out of here
in no time.

Or not.

Oh-oh. It's Frank's husband.

Hold it right there.

Freeze!

Don't move!

No, you hold it right there.
Freeze. Don't move.

Do you know what this is?

It's either a talking aardvark
or a hairy parrot.

Betty hasn't decided yet.

This is a creature possessed
of unimaginable powers.

Powers?

Yes, powers.
You know, your powers.

Your unimaginable powers.

The powers we all find so..

...unimaginable.

The powers you don't like to use
unless we're in trouble

and there's no way out.

Oh, those powers.

You know, I don't like
to use those powers, Willie.

I feel you must.

Well...alright.

Oo-o-oh!

You'd better get out of here

because in..

...in just about ten seconds,
you'll be...

- Ooh!
- Yes.

You'll be flatter
than a flapjack.

(ALF)
'Ooh!'

[grunting]

Yes.

- Ten.
- Ooh!

- Nine. Eight.
- Ah!

- Seven.
- Ah!

(Willie)
'Six.'

[shrieking]

Five. Four. Three.

- Two. One!
- Yeah!

Two! Three.

Oh, forget it.
It's not working.

What are you gonna do with us?

Go on, get out of here.

You mean, you're gonna
let us go?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Go on.

Well, that's
awfully nice of you.

What nice?

I just don't wanna go
back out on the road

with another
rolling geek brigade.

I just want a nice, quiet
retirement with my lunatic wife.

I really appreciate this.

Yeah, likewise.

(Betty)
'Nick? What's going on
out there?'

Hey! How did he get in here?

What's he doing
with my parrot?

Stay back, honey. That thing's
got unimaginable powers.

If we don't let him go,
he's gonna squash me

like a two-headed elephant
on a peanut.

Since when does
a parrot have powers?

ALF!

Whoo-o-o!

Not that! Let's go!

Hey! Glue an antennae on this!

[instrumental music]

[rain pattering]

ALF.

[instrumental music]

ALF.

Yeah?

I'm sorry it didn't work out.

Me too.

Well, I'm glad you're safe.

Safe and alone...species-wise.

You know, we all feel alone
at certain times in our lives.

Feeling alone and being alone

are two different things.

I'm sorry.

ALF, I wish there was
something I could say.

I actually believed it, Willie.

I really convinced myself

there might be
others of my kind here.

Well, who knows, pal.
Someday there might be.

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

Willie! Willie!
Follow that car! Hurry!

- What car?
- The one that just passed us.

Catch up to it.

ALF, there hasn't been a car
on this road for miles.

I just saw one!

And Blinky was in it!

You must have been
daydreaming, pal.

- I was?
- I mean, think about it.

What are the odds
that a creature

from outer space
would be in a car

on this road at this time of..

I mean, what are the odds
that two creatures

from outer space
would be in two cars

on this road at..

I think maybe you better
drive for a while.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[music continues]

[laughing]