ALF (1986–1990): Season 3, Episode 10 - My Back Pages - full transcript

When Kate and Willie stop ALF's rummage in the attic, they find Willie's movie of Woodstock and want to watch it. When Willie tells ALF what he was like in college, ALF points out that Willie has turned from an idealist to a sell-out.

Good morning, Brian.

- What's that?
- ALF's breakfast.

I think not.

What happened to you?

I've got static cling.

Ah, there's my other sock.


Yank out all my fur,
why don't you?


What were you doing
in the laundry?

The question is

what is the laundry
doing in my room.

However, if I had
a room of my own..

Sorry, ALF, a room addition

is out of the question.

Fine, just remember this

the next time you complain
about fur in your shorts.

Gee, these things
can do a lot more

than just measure tape.


'I just hate when this happens.'


ALF? Is that, is that you?

'Well, that depends.'

'Will this involve
yelling at an alien?'


- Are you alright?
- No.

You guys should really
look into public storage.

We already have.
They won't take you.

Very nice.
Kick me while I'm hemorrhaging.

ALF, what are you doing here?

You remember, Kate.
My planet exploded.

I crashed into your garage.

- You said I could stay.
- ALF.

I was measuring
for my bedroom set.

Now, I'm thinking
of a Southwestern motif.

Willie, pick up
a few cattle skulls

on your way home tomorrow.

There's a dear.

ALF, we need the attic.

Kate, look at this.


Oh, Willie.

Do these ever
bring back memories?

Wait. Wait. There's more.



Hey! I'm impressed.

When did you guys
have a Mercedes?

No, ALF. This is a peace sign.

What's it for?

It symbolized
the goals and ideals

of our country's youth.

So it is from a Mercedes.

Oh, I'd forgotten
all about this stuff.

Why don't you just
trash all this garbage?

We can't throw
these things away, this..

These are a part of who we are.

Or...more accurately,
who we were.

Based on those pants

you were some type
of outpatient.

Wonder what these are.

Oh, Willie!

Willie, "Summer of Love."

I saw that on cable!
I'm ashamed of you two.

No, ALF,
it was nothing like that.

These are the movies I took
at Woodstock.

- Huh?
- Woodstock.

It was a music festival.

Three days of peace
and love and rock 'n' roll.

Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin

Country Joe and the Fish.

You made that one up.

No way, man.

I think these films
are happenin'.

Well, uh, if it's your bag

uh, let's go groove on it.

What do you say, ALF?

That depends.
What did you say?

Down in front!


Come on, Kate.

You won't let me go
to a real theater.

At least let me create
a reasonable facsimile.

Focus! Focus!

Let me turn it on
before you pelt me.

I'd appreciate your not using
the word pelt around me.

Hi, everyone.

Oh, no. Is the cable down again?

Lynn, we found our movies
from Woodstock.

Oh, how nice for you.

I'll be in my room.

You can't miss this.

This is a monumental piece
of history.

It's the turning point
for a whole generation.

It's a bunch of naked people
dancing in the mud.

Who am I to miss the turning
point for a whole generation?

No talking during the film!


Usher, this woman
is annoying me.

That would be your cue.

Did you ever think
that just once

I'd like to maybe
meet your friends?

'Hey, Tanners, it's me, Trevor!'

Don't ever think that.

- Hi, Trevor.
- Hi, Willie.

- Hi, Kate. I'm done with this.
- That you are.

Oh, I always say,
"Never send a Weedwhacker

to do a garden weasel's job."

Isn't that the truth?

Oh, your cable went down?

Mom and dad are gonna show us
woodchuck movies.

No, Woodstock.


Oh, you mean that hippie thing?

- I hate that.
- Hello, Willie, Kate.

Come on, Trevor.
The Litwacks are waiting.

Get the bridge mix,
and let's go.

Oh, yeah, can we borrow
some bridge mix?

We're playing cards
with somebody else besides you.

Sorry, we're all out.

Oh, I guess
we can't play bridge.

- Got any gin?
- Oh, come on, Trevor!

Alright, alright.

Well, so much for the cartoon.

Now could we see
our feature presentation?


...the projector, please.

'Hey, Brian this gives me
an idea for the wading pool.'

'Forget it.'

Great camerawork, dad.

- Look! That's Mama Cass.
- Mm-hmm.

Short for casserole I wager.

'There she is, kids.'

'Who, Stevie Nicks?'

'Mom, tell me that isn't you.'


Wow, you were cute back then.

Oh, thanks, Bri...I think.

Now I see
why you married Willie.

You were dizzy.

No. That's why I married him.

'Yikes! It's that girl.'

'Hey, where'd you
get that shirt?'

'Fredericks of Sri Lanka?'

It was the '60s, ALF.

Those clothes made a statement.

Yeah. "I dress in the dark."

'You wanna explain this?'

Shoot bullets through me.
I felt like a snack.

Pass the mustard.

May I help you with something?

Now I know..

Now I know
who you remind me of.

You remind me of my
college roommate...Snout.

And I thought
Melmackian parents were cruel.

That was only his nickname.
His real name was Dexter.

Dexter Lurch IV.

Then again, Snout is nice.

Snout used to go on these
marathon eating binges

late at night, Oreos, Cheez Whiz

anything he could
get his hands on.

How does that remind you of me?


Ol' Snout is quite a character.

He was, uh,
a-a kind of folk hero

to a lot of the kids on campus

myself included for a time.

I remember he-he was
the first guy in the dorm

to pierce his ear.

We had a word for guys
like that on Melmac.

What'd you think I meant?

And, uh, I remember
another time he..

...he took off all his clothes
and set 'em on fire.

Sounds like a real party animal.

No, you don't understand, ALF.

We, we-we were trying
to end the war.

Did it work?

Well, I like to think that
maybe in a small way it did.

So why doesn't anybody do any
of that peace stuff anymore?

Well, for one thing
we're not at war now.

Oh, right.

And there's a Club Med
in Central America

and the Persian Gulf
is a water theme park.

Well, it's different.

What happened to you?

Well, when a person gets older

he sees things
a little differently.

He chooses his battles
a little more carefully.

I get it.

Turn on, tune in, sell out.

I did not sell out.

I have a family to support.

I have an extended family,
I might add.

Ooh. Good one, Willie.

Oh, you don't understand.

What's to understand?

You cut your hair, got a job

and you won't let me live
in the attic.

Forget the attic.

The attic is out.

Why? You need the storage space
for your abandoned idealism?

Goodnight, ALF.

Boy, point out one major flaw
in someone's belief system

they take it personally.

I can't sleep.

Maybe all the pacing
is keeping you up.

I can't help thinking
maybe ALF is right.

Willie, check your temperature.

I mean it, Kate.

I used to organize peace marches

now I organize coupons.

It's a big help, honey.

Oh, thank you, but..
What am I saying?

Willie, you can't let ALF
get to you like this.

Oh, it's not just ALF.

Although he does
figure prominently.

I come with a peace offering.
You want a flower?

- No.
- Good.

I came to say I'm sorry.

Apology accepted. Goodnight.

I realized you had no choice
but to sell out.

The system is bigger
than you are.

Well, we're both
bigger than you, so leave.

Whoa, man!

Bad vibrations!


- So now can you sleep?
- Oh, yeah, sure. Uh-huh.

Ah, come on, Willie.
I want you to meet my friends.

Oh, gosh, I'd love to, Kate,
but I don't have time.

I got to finish registering and
I-I got to get my campus map.

You're a trip.

- Well, thank you.
- Listen, you get us a table.

- I'll be right back, okay?
- A table? Sure. Sure thing.

Hey, peace!
Welcome to Big Daddy's.

I'm Big Daddy.
All you need is love.

There's a two-drink minimum.

I'm Willie Tanner.

Uh, I'm delighted
to make your scene.

This is my old lady
Judy Blue Eyes.

Nice to meet you, Mrs. Eyes.

To everything,
there is a season.

Did you mention
the two-drink minimum?

- It's handled.
- Ah!

Our hangout is your hangout.

We just want you
to feel welcome.

- Please make yourself at home.
- Well, thank you, uh..

Thank you very much. I think
I'll-I'll just sit over here.

- Get out of that booth!
- Get out of that booth!

Oh, no, no, no.

- Not Snout's booth, Willie.
- Who's Snout?

He's new here.

- No.
- No.

Say, Kate, this Snout person..

Oh, yeah, yeah, like, um..

Snout's like...our guru.

- I beg your pardon?
- Our guru, you know.

Like, um...oh,
like the maharishi

like...a man of peace.

Well, then why can't I
sit in his booth?

Because he'll punch
your lights out.

Peace! Love!
Right on! Your mother!

Hey, Snout!

Kate, my child, my flower.

My flower child.

Who's the nerd?

Oh, Snout, that's Willie.
He's new here.

There's a bulletin.

So, bro, where you from?

Oh, you know, I've been around.

Here, there.

Decatur, Illinois.

And, you know, it shows.

Kate, we missed you
at the sit-in.

You don't actually do that.

- Do you?
- Do what?

Sit in someone's office
until they make you leave.

And interfere with
other people's right

to get an education.

Hey, man, for your information

we're trying to educate people
to the way that the system

exploits those
who aren't in power.

- Alright!
- Yeah!

People who really
wanna change history

don't do it by sitting around.

They go out and work
for what they believe.

You can't rebuild
without tearing down first.

That's ridiculous, you have
to work within the system.

Don't you have an Up With People
rehearsal to go to?

No, but I do have to go.

- Oh, Willie, be cool.
- No, it's alright, Kate.

I have to meet
my roommate anyway.

Does anyone know where
I can find Dexter Lurch IV?

Hey, right here, roomie.

Oh, by the way, I shed.


...up with people..

Turn off the lava lamp,
I can't sleep.

So what're the specials today?

Egg salad,
tuna salad, brisket.

Heavenly ambrosia,
celestial ambrosia

and beef ambrosia.
What's for dessert?

Chicago seven-layer cake.

- Hey, Big Daddy.
- Hey, Moon Shadow.

So how'd you do
on your finals, kid?

I like to think that grades
aren't all that important

in the grand scheme of things.

- You graduated.
- With honors.

Don't tell Snout.

You know, I agree with you
on this grades business.

I never got better than a D
on anything and look at me now.

We've both come a long way.

But you know,
I realized something today.

I didn't come to college
for the diploma.

I thought I did, but now I know

it's really much,
much more than that.

I know, chicks.

Yeah, chicks are nice,
but I'm talking about

a whole new perspective.

I-I realized something,
that these past four years

have really opened my eyes.

I know now my life's work
is to make this place

called Earth a better planet.

- You sound like Snout.
- I know.

I owe him a lot, Daddy.

He's taught me
there's much more to life

than turning a fast buck.

Peace. Don't get up.

What's with the hat?
You graduating?

Yeah, this place
is like the White House.

After eight years,
they make you leave.

I'm gonna miss you, roomie.

Where you gonna go?

To work, where else?

Oh, you got a job? That's great.

Where's it gonna be? ACLU?

Uh, peace corps?

You're looking
at the new partner

in the brokerage house
of Heinz, Heinz, and my dad.

Guess which one hired me.

I can't believe it.

What about your plans
to help the poor?

The-the disenfranchised?

W-w-what about your ideals?

This isn't college.
This is life.

How can you just walk away
from everything you believe in?

Who's walking?

I'll be driving my new Mercedes.

Oh, what do you think,
burgundy with a tan interior?

Snout! You're selling out!

Hey, lighten up, man.

In a year,
you'll be calling me for a job.

Here's my card.

See you later, agitator.

Not in a year.

Not in a hundred years.

I'm not gonna be a slave
to the almighty dollar.

I'm keeping my ideals.
I'm not selling out!

I'm not selling out.

I'm not. Yoko, tell them!

Did not sell out.

Of course, you didn't, dear.

Now go back to sleep.

There's something I have
to take care of first.


♪ I'm gonna lay down
my fork and spoon ♪

♪ Down by the dinner plate ♪

♪ Down by the dinner plate ♪

♪ Down by the dinner plate ♪

♪ I'm gonna lay down
my fork and spoon ♪

♪ Down by the dinner plate ♪

♪ And eat this with my hands ♪♪

- Are you eating again?
- No.


I wanna talk to you
about something.

You were just
in a dream of mine.

In this dream,
did I have my own room?

No, actually,
you shared a room with me.

Fine! We'll give Kate the attic.

No, ALF,
we'll give you the attic.

- Really?
- Really.

I think I can get rid of some
of that stuff I got up there.

You said that stuff
was part of you.

Well, I thought I needed it,
but as it turns out...I don't.

I still have..

...all the important things
I got from the '60s.

You do?

I may not be out
marching on Washington..

...but I'm a social worker.
I still help people.

One at a time.

I realized that's the way
I can do the most good.

And you get a sack lunch.

It's a good life.


I can dig it.

Where's ALF? It's not like him
to miss a meal.

He's up in his new room
listening to an album.

I think it's The Doors again.

He said he'd be down
in a minute.

Don't you guys miss
the good old days?

Mm-mm. Not for a minute.

I think I do...a little.

But as much as I loved the '60s

that's probably
the last decade

I'd ever want to return to.

Alright, Tanners.
Get down and boogie.

I'd like to qualify
my last remark.