ALF (1986–1990): Season 2, Episode 6 - Some Enchanted Evening - full transcript

Halloween is approaching and ALF wants to go trick-or-treating. Kate, of course, objects, but ALF persists. He argues that he has a natural costume and tries offering Willie a deal he can't refuse... Lynn presents Lizard to her parents.

Now I ask you, is this a pirate,
or is this a pirate?



Oh. It's a pirate, mom.

- Willie?
- Uh, definitely a pirate.

Good morning.

What are you wearing?

Touch of your aftershave.

No, I meant
those silly glasses.

Silly glasses?
Look who's talking.

This is my Halloween costume.

What are you supposed to be?

Gene Shalit.

Too obscure?

You're not planning on going
trick-or-treating, are you?

Are you kidding? I can't wait.

I'm gonna come back
with a bag full of candy apples

popcorn balls and cats.

ALF, no one's
gonna give you a cat.

Well, that's right.
You have to bob for cats.

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

What's the matter?

Oh, I-I can't sleep.

It's my job promotion.
I-I think I blew it.

What? Honey, how?

Well, today Mr. Burke
took me off

that teen runaway project
I was working on.

I was working on that project
for three months!

- You're kidding!
- No, honey.

He needs me, he says,
for an internal investigation.

So I have to go through
all the requisition files

and see if I can locate
his missing water cooler.

Well, I hope you yelled at him.

I sure did.

But I think I can
kiss that promotion..


Oh, honey,
you can kiss me goodnight.

I'm proud of you.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

[both chuckle]

Oh, good, you're up.

Get out of here!

Not until we get this Halloween
thing straightened out.

We already said no, ALF.

You cannot go out
trick-or-treating for candy.

Forget that fear
of cavities, Kate.

I brush once a month,
like clockwork.

We're not talking
about cavities, ALF.

We're talking about
somebody seeing you.

Come on, Will-height

this body is the perfect
Halloween costume.

Besides I have to get out
and see new faces.

Why you ask?

I didn't ask why.

- Well, would you?
- Why?

Why what?

Why do you have to get out
and see new faces?

Why the third degree? I just
want to go trick-or-treating.

You can't, ALF,
it's too dangerous.

Then you leave me no choice.

Read it and weep.

"Free the Halloween one?"

It's a petition signed
by America's

most prominent citizens.

"We demand that you let ALF
go trick-or-treating.

"Signed Presidents Reagan,
Carter, Ford, Lincoln..

...and Mercury."

This is your handwriting.

Hey, it's a joke, man.

My way of saying,
let the funny little alien

have a crack
at the outside world

for one lousy night!


Alright, I'm taking this
to the supreme court.

All the way to Chief Justice
Pontiac, I suppose.

Look, look,
I'll make you a deal.

You let me go out for Halloween

and I'll tell you how you
could still get that promotion.

How do you know about that?

The amazing ALF
knows everything.

Was the amazing ALF listening
at our door again?

The amazing ALF
never reveals his secrets.

what we have to do here

is dig up some dirt
on your boss.

Does he steal from the company?
Go to the salad bar illegally?

Chew with his mouth open?

- You chew with your mouth open.
- Oh, smart, Willie.

Dig up dirt on me.
I can't give you that promotion.

Goodnight, ALF.

Alright, alright, wait.
Forget the dirt.

Get the bossman
to like you again.

Invite him to a party
and butter him up.

I'm not gonna give a party
to butter up my boss.

Who do you think I am,
Dagwood Bumstead?

Think very carefully..

...before you answer that.

Oh, Willie,
a-a party might be fun.

I can't think of the last time
that we had a party.

I mean, our social lives
kinda gone to pot since..

...since you-know-who arrived.

- Who?
- You.

You mean all those times
you complained

about you-know-who, it was me?

So what do you say, honey?

Let's have a party
and have a few people over.

Oh, okay, but not my boss.

I'll handle Mr. Burke myself own way.

Oh, good thinking.

Have a party
and exclude the boss.

Better yet, walk in tomorrow
morning and hit him with mud.

Oh, brother.

[doorbell rings]

- Trick or treat?
- Trick or treat?

Oh, what do we have here?

We are The Three Stooges.


Well, Moe had to go
to the bathroom.


Well, here, and,
uh, take one for Moe.

- Thank you.
- Happy Halloween.

- Happy Halloween.
- Happy Halloween.

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck,
nyuck, nyuck..

- More Stooges?
- 'Yeah.'

Okay, now where is ALF?

Oh, he's, uh,
he's in the garage.

Say, Kate,
the house looks great.

Of course, that's probably
because ALF's in the garage.

Honey, do you think that I made
enough punch for 12?

To drink or to bathe in?

[doorbell rings]

'Trick or treat?'

'Oh, Brian, just open the door.'

'Oh, Blackbeard is home!'

And look, will you

look at all that booty!


I wanna go out again.

Brian, we went to 32 houses.

Yeah, in eight minutes.

Well, I had to get back
to change for the party.

Lizard will be here any minute.


You heard that too?

What-what kind of name
is Lizard?

I have a friend in school
called frog.

Well, why do they
call him that?

Because he's a frog.

Makes sense.

I gotta go in the garage,
I gotta give ALF

his share of the candy.

Seventy percent.

Seventy percent is a lot.

He wanted ninety!

We have a daughter
dating a lizard

and an alien shaking down
our son for candy.

Let's party.



Great haul, Brian.


I'll guard these.

You get back in the house.

The party's gonna start soon.

Oh, but I hate parties.

Everyone pats me on the head

and says
I'm growing up too fast.

Cut the small talk!
Let's divide up the loot.

Okay, one for you.
One for me.

One for you.

One for me.

One for me.

One for me.

Not so fast, me bucko!

You are growing up too fast.

We'll do this right.

One for me.

One for you.

- Did you see ALF?
- Yeah.

And I still have some
candy left.

He must be losing his touch.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, I'll get it.

- Hi, Lynn.
- Hi, Lizard.

Mom, dad, this is Lizard.

Hello, Lizard.

Oh, no, uh,
you can call me Eric.

You see, he got his nickname
in Biology class

because he removed
a brain tumor from a lizard.

Now it's as good as new.

Yeah, well, not really.

It can only, uh,
flick its tongue to the left.

Very good. Even so that's really
quite an achievement.

Oh, tell them about the iguana.

- Nah.
- Tell 'em.

Ah, nothin', you know, it's just
a simple bypass surgery.

You must be very good at

Were you, were you thinking
of becoming a surgeon?

Yeah, I thought about it but,
uh, Quantum Physics

is my first love.

Young man, you may not only
date my daughter

you may have her hand
in marriage.

- Oh.
- Dad.


So glad you're here.

Howdy, partner.

- 'Hey!'
- Hey-hey, Ed.

- Bernice.
- Hi!

Look at you guys.

- You're wearing costumes.
- Yeah.

But we call them duds.

Well, um,
why don't we mosey on over

and rustle up some brie.

[doorbell rings]

- Hello.
- Who are you?

We're the Burkes.

Kate, it's my boss.

This must be Brian.

You're growing up too fast.

That's it.
I'm going to bed.

Did you invite them?

- Of course not!
- Well, why is he here then?

And why
are they wearing costumes?

Maybe they're just

What-what am I supposed to do?

Offer them a peanut butter cup

and send them on their way?

- 'Hello, Tanner.'
- Hello.

Thank you for inviting us.

Well, you're welcome,
Your Majesties.

Uh, w-won't you
make yourself at home?

Our castle is your castle.

[doorbell rings]

How come you told me
this was a costume party?

Because that's what
the invitation said.

Make yourself at home,
won't you?


...uh, somebody seems to have

invited the Burkes
and also told all these people

that they should
be wearing costumes.

Now, I don't know who that was,
or why he did it

but I'm gonna go into
the garage and strangle him.

[doorbell rings]

Kate, Willie!

Gordon Shumway.

Long time no see.

Oh, hope you don't mind, Willie.
I parked behind your boss.

Hey, how are you folks?
Hey, you look good in vinyl.

How you doing?
Nice to meet you.

Hey, happy Halloween everybody!

Happy Halloween!

Say, what are you..

...doing here?

Greeting the guests. Hey, tex!

Looks like you're putting
on a little weight there, huh?

Ha, ha, ha!

Could I speak with you
in the kitchen

just for a moment?

Hey, not now, Willie.

Your pumpkin's on fire.

Hah! His pumpkin's on fire!

Come here!

Well, who is this little guy?

Oh, this is Gordon, everyone.

Gordon's an old friend
of our family.

Bernice, uh,
don't mention his height.

He's very sensitive.

Hey, cowgirl, nice calves.

Hah! Nice calves!


- Easy.
- Oh!

Okay, mister,
I want the truth!

And I want it now!


Your hair is thinning.

You got a hold
of our guest list, didn't you?

You called those people

and told them to wear costumes

just so you could come.

You dragged me in here to tell
me things I already know?

On top of that,
you invited the Burkes!

Again, old news.

Just...tell me why.

Because I really want you
to get that promotion.

Now-now get out there
and start kissing up.


I'm not kissing up to anyone.

Especially, not Walter Burke!

I knew you wouldn't.

That's why I'm here
to do it for you.

Oh, Wally! Wally!

No, wait! Wait.

You can't go out there.

What if they discover
that you're an alien?

They won't! They'll think
I'm wearing a costume.


Where-where did you
get that zipper?

Well, you know that old jacket
that you were gonna throw out?

- Yeah.
- Better hang on to it.

I ripped this out
of your new raincoat.

Alright, go on.
Go out there.

I don't care.
Go on. Fine with me!

Blow your cover, that's fine!
Just do me one favor.

Okay, okay.
I'll do my Elvis impression.

Please, keep away from my boss.

No problem.
He seems like a yutz, anyway.

'Okay, everybody,
let's tear this place apart.'

- Hi. Come in.
- Hi.

Mom, look who's here.


Well, that's a pretty funny
costume you got yourself, Gordo.

What are those? Warts?

Hey, time for that eye exam
there, Edsel!

Those are beauty marks!


What are you supposed to be,

An alien,
from the planet Melmac!

He's just kidding.

Yeah! Everyone knows that
Melmacians don't have zippers!


Oh, I kill me. Ha!

Mom says that we're
out of onion dip

and we need more meatballs,
and how do you like Lizard?

I like him.

He's intelligent, he's polite

he's well-groomed.

Does he have a van?


I love him.

What's ALF doing?

Oh, his Elvis impression.

♪ And on a cold
and gray Chicago morning.. ♪♪

Lynn.. are missing..

..."In The Ghetto."

Oh, my favorite.

We don't lead a normal life.


Well, thank you.

Thank you very much, ladies.

I'd like to dedicate
that last song

to my hunk
of burning love, Bernice.

Oh, Elvis!

Love me tender.

I will, momma.

Uh, but now, excuse me.

I've got to work the room.

♪ Oh ho ♪

♪ Oh hoo ♪♪

Oh, ha-ha! Yeah.

Hey-hey, so what did
you think there, Liz?

Whoo! The king lives.

Thanks. Hey, science question.

If there were such a thing
as an alien life form

what do you think he'd be like?

- Huh?
- Come on, what are you, deaf?

I'm trying to get some insight.

You're an egghead, aren't you?

Yeah, I do well scholastically,
if that's what you mean.

Yeah, right. What about aliens?

They'd probably have
highly developed brains

and be very advanced.

Well, thank you.

Oh, good, more food.

Sorry, Gordo.

We weren't expecting
this many guests.

Well, you're telling me.

Your boss eats like
he's going to the chair.

Incidentally, how's the, uh..


...kissing up going?

I'm not kissing up to anyone.

I haven't done anything wrong.

Play hardball. I like it.



Oh, you mind
if I take one of these?

Hey, why hold back now?

I can't believe it.

ALF is actually going to put

a lamp shade on his head.

That is probably
the corniest party gag there is.

[people laughing]

But somehow he makes it work.

He's the life...of this party.

Even Walter Burke
is having a good time.

Honey, you might get
that promotion after all.

Sounds like ALF
might get the promotion.

I don't wanna work for ALF.

We already do.

(in unison)
Gordo! Gordo! Gordo!

Gordo! Gordo! Gordo!

Gordo! Go! Go! Go!

[all cheering]

Hey, thank you.

You know,
we couldn't do this back home.

Of course, we didn't have
any gravity.

'Ha! Ha!'

Hey, just kidding, Tanners.

'Ha! Alright, who's next?'

Who's next? Uh, hey,
how about Walter Burke?

- Oh, no.
- Yeah!

No, no, no.

- Not Walter!
- 'Walter!'

- 'Not Walter!'
- Walter!

- Not Walter!
- 'Walter! Walter!'

Come on, Walter.
Give it a try.

No, I got this..
What about my bad back, huh?

Oh, go for it.
It-it's Halloween.

- 'Yeah.'
- Yeah, what are you, a wuss?

- 'Come on, Walter.'
- 'Come on, Walter!'

- Yay!
- Be a man!

- Yes!
- Alright.

- Come on!
- Alright, alright.

(in unison)
And go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Ow! Oh..

- 'Oh, my God.'
- 'Oh.'

Mr. Burke, are you alright?

Just get me to a hard,
flat surface.

Hey, don't expect high marks
on technique, Wally.

[indistinct chatter]

- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.


Lizard, isn't there anything
you can do?

Hmm, I-I could remove his brain.

Gordo, be careful.

I know what I'm doing.

Ahh. Feels good.

- It does?
- Yeah.

Go figure.

May I use the phone?

I-I wanna call Walter's doctor.

Is it a local call?

Gordo! I'll show
you where it is, Felicia.

Leave 20 cents
on the night table.

Ah, Gordo.. can I thank you?


Bury the hatchet
and give Willie that promotion.

We both know
he's the best man for the job.

He's intelligent,
hard-working, honest...


Bad with names.

It's Gordo, remember?

I think Mr. Burke's
heard quite enough from you.

You're right. It's your turn.

Go ahead, Willie. Be obsequious.

I have nothing
to be obsequious about.

I was taken away
from an important project

to look for some
stupid water cooler!

- You're still mad about that?
- You bet I am.

You took away something I'd
worked on for three months

because you didn't happen
to like tap water.

Willie, maybe I should
define obsequious for you.

It means to grovel.

I will not grovel.

I never knew
how strongly you felt.

Alright, you can have
your project back.

- I can?
- 'Yes.'

Well, thanks.

I guess that settles that.

Hey, wait a minute!
Loose end here.

What about the promotion?

Uh, the promotion's
a whole separate issue.

We can discuss that later.

What better time?
He's in pain.

We can get anything we want.

We'll discuss the promotion
at another time.

It's alright, Tanner.
You've got your promotion.

I never felt otherwise.

Oh, good.

- Would you get me more ice?
- Yes, sure.

And this time would you put it
in a glass with a little scotch?

You know,
as long as you're here, Burke

there's a few other things
Willie needs.

Like what?

Well, let's talk parking spaces.

Willie has a parking space.

Yeah, but it's not close enough.

And I understand his office
doesn't even have a window.

Well, neither does mine.

That's your problem.

And Willie's not nuts
about that guy

that works next to him.

Uh, what's his name? Uh...

- Simmons?
- Yeah, yeah, Simmons.

That's the guy.

He's not pulling his weight.

Get rid of him!

There's a parking space
right there.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
and let's talk overtime.


OT. Yeah!


Willie's working too hard.

I mean, he doesn't get home

till 7:30-8 o'clock
at night I hear.

I mean, what are you guys
doing down there?

Give the guy a break!

How's your back?

Come on, Willie.

No, ALF, uh, it's too risky!

I think we'd better go.

Hey, you owe me.

After all, I got you
an office with a window.

But I liked Simmons.

I really did.

Trick or treat?
Trick or treat?

ALF, your voice!

You're supposed to be a child.

Right. No problem.

Hello, young man.

Hello, old woman.

We're terribly sorry
to bother you so late

but we-we couldn't
get out any earlier.

Oh, well, I'm afraid that I gave

my last candy bar away
over an hour ago.

Aw, shucks.

Well, I'll see
if I can find something else.

[cats mewing]

Was that a cat?

Oh, yes, I have lots of cats.

Well, I'll take a yellow one.

[theme music]

[ALF laughing]