ALF (1986–1990): Season 2, Episode 4 - Wedding Bell Blues - full transcript

Lynn is researching the Tanner Family Tree for a school project. Kate suggests ALF do the the Shumway Family Tree, hoping it will occupy him for some time. However, digging the past may not be a good thing.

Hey, Kate,
get a load of this.

A stamp, commemorating
some guy walking on the moon.

ALF, it was one of mankind's
greatest moments.

Big deal!

I was the first Melmacian
to wash my hands before eating.

Nobody put me on a stamp.

Maybe you
should've used soap.

Ha. Ha.

- Hi, guys.
- Hi, honey.

Oh, good, you're home.
What did you bring me?


That's the same thing
you brought me yesterday.

I left your dinner
in the oven, hon.


You wouldn't
have liked it.

The veal was
nearly inedible.


Next time,
try an overnight marinade.

I'll make you a sandwich..

...if there's any
bread left!

I think there's
half a raisin bagel.

Yo, Wilkins, how much do you
want to give to the monks?

What monks?

We got an appeal from

the Brothers of
the Peaceful Dominion.

That's my checkbook.

Yeah, they're your checks.

Don't worry.
I'm using your signature.

I've even mastered
that effeminate loop

you put on
your capital T.

As long as these checks
are in my name

I'll be the one who decides
who the money goes to.

And my loops are
not effeminate..

...they're decorative

Well, we're in a mood.

[theme music]

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[instrumental music]

Hold still, Bri.

I don't wanna stick you.

You look great, B.

Sort of like the Pope's son.

I'm in a play at school.

I'm Friar Tuck.

One of Robin Hood's merry men.

No kidding.

We had a Robin Hood on Melmac.

Did he take from the rich
and give to the poor?

No, he just robbed
the hoods off people's cars.

Honey, please. ALF,
would you leave us alone?

Fine. I'll go bother Lynn.

What's all this stuff?

Oh, it's a project
for my sociology class.

I'm putting together
our family tree.

Well, who chopped it down?

Was it me again?

It is not that kind of a tree.

See, look it shows
all of our ancestors

who they married
and who their kids were.

Each relative is a branch.

Except your Grandma Dorothy.

She's a nut.


Watch it.

Hey, it is not like she's here.

You can find out some really
interesting stuff this way.

Like seeing a picture
of your mother wearing lipstick

when she was 14.

Which you yourself
was not allowed

to wear until you were 16.

I had chapped lips.

You had chapped eyelids too?

ALF, why don't you
make a family tree?

Yeah, it's really a fun way
to remember your ancestors.

Well, I don't remember much.

My father was always
breaking things.

And my mother sat
around eating all day.

It's amazing you
turned out so well.

Thanks, but sometimes I do
blow my nose on the wrong towel.


[instrumental music]



I can see why your
spaceship crashed.

You were over
the weight limit for luggage.

Well, gee, Willie,
why didn't you ask for help?

I did.

You said no.

If you'd only used
the magic word "Please."

Oh, hey, this is all I
need for my family tree.

You can put
the boxes back.

Forget it.

What's in these things anyway?

These boxes all contain

the remnants
of a vanished civilization.

A people
whose culture and intellect

were unsurpassed
in the known universe.

Dashboard dice?


What a great place for those!

Hey, Kate, guess where
these are going?

In the garbage.

No. That's where I found them.

Who are these...people?

Oh, that's
my fourth grade class.

I'm the one eating paste.

Oh, what's this vacuum cleaner
doing in this picture?

That's my teacher.

Your fourth grade teacher
was a hoover upright.

Bite your tongue.

Mrs. Landers was remarkable.

She could walk on her hands
and pick up lint

with her big skinny mouth.


She was a vacuum cleaner.

Oh, look, I see you got
a picture of your thumb here.

Oh, I've made that
mistake myself.

What mistake?

I collect pictures
of my thumb.

Look, here's a picture
of my thumb at the beach.

Here's one
of my thumb at the prom.

Oh, wait,
that's my toe.

Well, this shot's ruined.

Are these your parents?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Uh, that's the day
they were married.

See, mom's feeding dad
a piece of the wedding cat.

You have your dad's nose.

And your mother's, too.

Well, noses run
in my family.

Ha! Ha! Ha!

Oh, I kill me.


Wait a minute.

This can't be right.

What's the matter?

According to this.. parents were married
on Twangle the 12th

but...I wasn't born until
the 28th of Nathinganger.

- Twangle?
- Nathinganger?

What does that
mean, ALF?

Well, isn't it obvious?

It means my parents
were married..

...before I was born.


And they say it's easy
raising an alien.

Who says that?

People who have never
raised an alien.

[ALF sobbing]


[door slams shuts]


[knocks on door]


'Who is it?'

Wha.. Who do you think it is?

'Willie, I am not in the mood
for guessing games.'

'Don't come in.'

[door closes]

Well what are you
doing in there?

Staring out your window.

Reflecting on the wretchedness
of life.

I didn't mean
what are you doing in there.

I meant, what are you
doing in there?

Oh, sure.
Confuse me with syntax.

We're coming in.

What's going on?

Looks like he's doing
his Susan Hayward impression.

Oh, go ahead, make jokes
while my life is in shambles.

ALF, what is
the problem?

I already told you.

I'm branded with
the worst stigma imaginable.

I was born.. wedlock.

ALF, if it makes you
feel any better

I was born in wedlock too.

- So was I.
- So what?

You think the whole universe
follows the same moral code?

As one backward planet that
worships Don Knotts.

We don't worships Don Knotts.

Well, you should.
He's very entertaining.

ALF...what difference
does it make

if your parents were married
before you were born?

You don't understand.

On Melmac, being born
to a married couple

was the most
disgraceful thing there was.

Next to being a cat lover.

It's obvious that ALF is very
upset. Let's leave him alone.

Well, where are we
gonna sleep then?

I can personally recommend
the laundry basket.

We'll use the sofa bed.

Not the sofa bed, Kate.
It's so lumpy.

Oh, great,
my life's coming apart

and Mr. Sensitivity
is worried about lumps.

Come on, Willie,
it'll only be for one night.

Kate, you're an optimist.


I wish life were more fair.

Also wish Mrs. Ochmonek would
undress with the shades down.


[instrumental music]

- You want to get the coffee?
- Sure.

I'll get the eggs.

Well, I see ALF's
had his breakfast.

At least he didn't
eat the tape recorder.

What is this?

Probably his grocery list.

Kate, listen..

"Dear Earth family, the depth
of my shame is so great

"I've decided to leave.

Press play
for further details."

[opera playing]

That's my "Carmen" tape.

[ALF singing opera]

(ALF on tape)
'Yo, Tanners, it's me ALF.'

'Hope you don't mind me'

'recording over your
"Carmen" tape.'

No, no, your version
is much better.

'As you now know,
I'm not there.'

'I've decided
to run away to a place'

'where peace and tranquility'

'allow for the contemplation
of life's vicissitudes.'

What does he know
of life's vicissitudes?

I still have to put up
the toilet seat for him.

'Perhaps one day'

'when I can deal
with my seedy lineage'

'I will see you all again.'

'Farewell. I love you all.'

'Now back to more
classical music.'

[ALF singing opera]

where could he have gone?

Heaven only knows.

[bell rings]

[bell tolls]

I hear you're looking
for a few good monks.

[instrumental music]

(ALF on tape)
'As you now know,
I'm not there.'

'I've run away to a place'

'where peace and tranquility'

'allow for the contemplation
of life's vicissitudes.'

[door opens]

Willie, I couldn't
find him anywhere.

Well, where could
a three foot, hairy alien go

and not be conspicuous?

Steven Spielberg's house?

- Any sign of him, Bri?
- No.

But my Friar Tuck
costume is gone.

Maybe he went
to Sherwood Forest.

No, Bri.
Sherwood Forest is in England.

ALF only took enough
food to get to Canada.

Why'd he run away?

Oh, it's hard to explain, Bri.

Y-you'll understand
when you're older.

How old?

Well, older than me.

I'm still trying
to figure it out.

- 'Well?'
- Nothing.

Where could he have gone?

Someplace where
peace and tranquility

allow for the contemplation
of life's vicissitudes.

That sounds familiar.

Well, that's what
he said on the tape.

No, no, uh,
besides that.

Wait a minute, ALF wanted me
to send my allowance

to a bunch of monks.

Listen to this.

"Peace and tranquility,
life's vicissitudes."

It's from the Brothers
of the Peaceful Dominion.

That's it!
He's joined a monastery.

I'm sorry.

[Gregorian music]

Uh, excuse me.

Where's the little monk's room?

I have to take a vicissitude.

Well, I guess I can wait.

Are you here
because of a painful secret

from your past like I am?

Or are you
just one of those guys

who likes wearing a dress?


We're a silent order.

We don't speak.

Ixnay on the eaking-spay.

Got it.


Joke time, alright?

This one will knock you
on your cassocks.

What happened when the heater
went off in the convent?

They had a bunch of blue nuns!

Ha! Ha! Ha! Blue nuns.

Get it? Ha!

Tough room.

[bell tolls]

Hey, why don't you let
the hunchback answer it?

[bell tolls]

Oh, excuse me,
I-I'm sorry to disturb

y-your peaceful dominion

but, uh, I-I'm looking
for a friend of mine.

He's a rather short..

...hairy fellow.

Has anyone joined
your flock recently?

I mean, like,
say since breakfast?

Oh, t-thank you.
Thank you very much.

Uh, should I
be wearing a hat?

No, no, I'm fine.

Here's a real gut buster.

How does the friar
open the door to the abbey?

With a monkey.

Ha! Ha!

Get it? Monk-key.

What's the problem?

This stuff going
over your haloes?



H-how did you find me?

One of the monks talked,
didn't he?

Never mind that.

ALF, how did you get here?

Thumbnail Express.

You hitchhiked?

Yeah. Easiest ride I ever got.

Who's going to drive by
and leave a monk

sucking his exhaust pipe?

ALF, your manners.

Absolutely right.

Where are they?

Uh, Willie Tanner,
this is Ed the monk.

Ed the monk,
Willie Tanner.

Willie, Ed.
Ed, Willie.

I don't know who
the other guy is.

I think it's Cat Stevens.

ALF, what if they figure out
you're an alien?

Who are they going to tell?

Isn't there someplace
we can go to talk?

It's really rather difficult
to discuss certain details...

This is my home now, Willie.

These brothers are like..

...sisters to me.

Let it fly.


Uh, I did a lot of thinking
on the drive up here

and, uh...I've never told
another living soul

what I'm about
to tell you..

...and you..

...and you.

And, of course, you.

Um, I know you're not exactly
crazy about my stories

but I think you'll find
this one poignant

and not without
a certain relevance.

Brace yourself, boys.

The sermon's coming
early this week.

When I was growing up,
I thought my mother

was the most beautiful
woman that ever lived.

I-I-I guess every boy feels
that way about his mom

but, you know,
I wasn't the only one

who thought that
about my mother.

Look here.
Look, look.



Who's the goofy-looking kid?

That's me.

The years have been
kind to you, Willie.

Very kind.

May I continue with my story?

Please. And put that away.

Well, one night,
uh, I don't know

I must've been
about six or so

I-I was, I was walking
by my mother's room

and I looked and I saw her
sitting at her dressing table.

I saw her reach up
and take off her hair.

I was just..

I was destroyed.

You know, I mean, not,
n-n-not because she wore a wig

I-I didn't mind that.

It was because
she didn't tell me

and this brings me
to the meaningful part now.

And not a moment too soon

it's almost time for vespers.

I hope that means cookies.

ALF, I'm trying to explain

why your parents
didn't tell you

they were married
before you were born.

Oh, continue, my child.

I think that they didn't

they didn't want
their son to think

that they were any...thing
less than perfect.

Tha-that's the way parents are.

I-I know, I-I feel that way
about Brian and Lynn.

An-and someday, when you have
kids of your own, you'll feel...

Uh, uh, uh.

I won't be having kids.

Monks give up more than
talking, you know.

Right, Eddie?

Is it me or are those guys
a bunch of stiffs?

Look, Willie, I'm a convertible.

Face it, ALF.

You're not monk material.

Oh, yes, I am.

They showed me
the list of qualifications.

Sloth, greed, gluttony.

Those are
the seven deadly sins.

I thought the seven deadly sins
were those guys

who lived in the forest
with Snow White.

Those are the seven dwarfs.

We prefer the term
"Little people."

Come on home, ALF.

We miss you.

Nobody cares
about your past.

Well, gee,
I don't know.

Tonight's my turn
to bang the dinner gong.


Okay, you got a deal.

You came all this way to get me.

If you want me back so badly.. deserve me.

Oh, thanks, ALF.

Well, just give me a second

to say goodbye
to the bros, okay?

Yo, I'm leaving!

[monks clapping]

I thought this was
a silent order.

[instrumental music]

You know, mom, dad..'d like the Tanners.

They care about me.

Even when I do
something stupid like..

...stomp grapes
in the bathtub.

Goodnight, ALF.

We're glad
to have you home.

Can I have a cookie?

They're not cookies,
they're vespers.

And yes, you may.

ALF, uh, do you know why

there are purple footprints

all over the bathroom?

Uh, have a vesper, Kate.

We don't want any.

I'll have a couple of those.


Willie, gluttony is one
of the seven deadly dwarfs.

ALF, I'd like those footprints
cleaned up tomorrow.

Thy will be done.

Thank you.

It's good
to have him back.

- Amen to that.
- Come on, kids.

Goodnight, ALF.
See you in the morning.

- Goodnight, ALF.
- Goodnight.

I want you both to know
that I'm, I'm not upset anymore

that you kept
your marriage a secret.

In fact, I have a secret
I haven't told you.

Willie's mother wears a wig.

Ha! Ha!

[instrumental music]

[theme music]