ALF (1986–1990): Season 2, Episode 3 - Take a Look at Me Now - full transcript

In one of those moments, when ALF lets his mind wander, he unintentionally walks into Mrs. Ochmonek's sight and greets her. Cue Mrs. Ochmonek panicking and deciding to warn the neighborhood about the "space creature".

'Yuck! Too ripe.'

Nope, this one doesn't
look good either.


This one has a worm in it.


You eat worms?

What else are you
supposed to do with them?

Use them for bait?

'Brian, time for dinner.'


- You coming, ALF?
- No, go ahead.

Your mother won't let
me eat worms in the house.

- Enjoy.
- Thanks.

There's no worm in this!

Oh, howdy, Raquel.

Red alert! Red alert!
Alien coming through!

What was ALF running for?

'Uh, occupied!'

Oh, I'm sorry.

ALF knows that's not a
bathroom, doesn't he?

I hope so.



Say, ALF, what's going on?

Uh, uh, get the front door,

It may be self-evident.

Oh, Kate, Willie!

It was horrifying,
it was simply horrifying!

It had a long...and two big..

Raquel, please don't do this.

She's imagining things.

I am not imagining things.

There is a monster
loose in the neighborhood.

A monster?

Oh, are you going to
form an angry mob?

I saw it in your back yard.

And I could swear I've
seen it once before.

What did this monster look like? bigfoot, only little.

It ran behind your garage.

Oh, it might still be there.

Uh, maybe we should
go have a look.

Oh, good, good, good.
But you go first.

Uh, Raquel, Raquel, I'm sure
that there's nothing out there.

Oh, fine! Well, then,
you just tell that to it!


Uh, will you tell it that
I'd like to speak to him.

Big foot?

Well, she's one to talk.

I could shoot the rapids
in one of her gunboats.

It was right over here!

See. It was eating the avocados.

How considerate of it to
have taken a single bite

out of every one.

Look at this bite pattern.

Four teeth.

That is not human.

Your mother had four teeth.

Bad example.

Maybe it was a dog.

It knew my name!

Maybe-e-e it was a neighborhood

Raquel, you know how the mind

plays terrible
tricks on a person.

Yeah, I bet it was
that extra garlic

you put on your
pizza this morning.

You had the pizza.

Ixnay, Raquel.

I'm just trying to cover for ya.

I don't need you to cover for
me! I am telling the truth!

Fine! You saw little bigfoot.

I'm out of it.

Well, it looked
like a little Bigfoot.

Uh, uh, maybe it was one
of those, uh, you know

wrinkly dogs from China.

They're...a-always being
mistaken for something else.

No, no, this was different.

It looked like something
from...another world.

The soap opera?

No, it was a creature
from outer space!

Willie, you went to college.

Tell her there's no
such thing as spacemen.

Well...I can't say
that for sure.

It is possible that there
are beings from other worlds

that could come
to visit us someday

and stay even in fact overstay.

Not even once offer to
pay for their own food.. I hear.

I give up. You're all nuts.

Come on, Raquel.
We're going home.

No, no, it may be dangerous.

We must warn the
Alien Task Force.

No, no. Why? You did that before
they didn't believe you.

Why do you think
they'll believe you now?

Fine! Then I'll have to
warn everybody myself.

Yoo hoo!

Mr. Litwak! Yoo-hoo!

Raquel? Raquel!

Honey, you don't think the

will believe her, do you?

Kate, the Litwaks believe

Dick Clark is 23 years old.

- Did they leave?
- Yeah.

Where's small foot?

What is this sudden
obsession with my feet?

Brian, uh,
I want you to go outside

and see if Mrs. Ochmonek
is alarming anyone.

You want me to spy on her?

No, no. No, no.
I want you to go outside.

I want you to look around and
see if Mrs...uh, yeah, go spy.

You know, I don't think that
Raquel is gonna rest

until she gets her spaceman.

What if we borrowed
a hairy animal

and let it loose on her yard?

Define hairy animal.

A goat.

An ant-rater.

A baboon. Yeah, no.
No an orangutan.

- That's orange.
- Who're you calling orange?

I'm burnt sienna.

I'm sorry ALF. No offense.

Well, none taken.

You hairless pink suburbanite.

There's a crowd
around Mrs. Ochmonek.

Oh, no!

Don't worry, don't worry.
We'll find a way out of this.

In the meantime ALF,
you'll just have to stay inside.

Well define meantime.

For as long as it takes.

Well, define
as long as it takes.

Until Raquel forgets

she saw a talking midget
Bigfoot with four teeth.

Well, we're talking
well into next week.

I noticed you spend a lot
of time fixing stuff, Willie.

That's because you spend a lot
of time breaking stuff, ALF.

Well, it's nice that our
hobbies are so compatible.

Could you, could you
stop the pacing?

I pace when I'm bored.

I've been under house
arrest for almost a month.

It's been two days, ALF.

Then why did I carve 30
notches on your banister?

Because you're a vandal.

Look what I found.
It's a picture of ALF.

What? Let me see.

"Be on the lookout for this

hideous looking space creature?"

Well, if that isn't
a case of the orbit guard

calling the
cat rancher a hairball!

They're on all of
the telephone poles.

Oh, no. This is terrible.

Well, you're right! That picture
looks nothing like me.

If my ears were that
big, I could pick up HBO.

We've got to do something.

Yes, Brian, go to all
the telephone poles

and erase the ears.

I repeat, erase the ears.

Okay. I'll make the
nose bigger, too.

'Oh, hi, Mr. Ochmonek.'

'Oh, hi, Brian,
where's your dad?'

'He's in the garage.
All by himself!'

'Well, thanks a lot!
See you later!'

ALF, hide.

No. It's time I took a stand.

It is a far, far
better thing that I do.

I'll be far, far under
the workbench.

Oh, hey, Trevor, wh-what's up?

Ask Raquel.
She's driving me nuts.

You know she even made a
sculpture of the creature

out of mashed potatoes.

That is pretty bizarre.

Hey watch it! That's my wife
you're talking about.

Oh, I-I'm sorry.

This is a wild imagination,
that's all.

She used to think
you guys were taking

a sip out of our milk
every morning.

She's making us the laughing
stock of the neighborhood.

I hate to say it, Willie..

...I think she's wacko.

Trevor? Trevor.


I just got a call from the
"Lenny Scott Show."

Lenny wants to interview
me on tonight's program.

Oh, no, not Lenny Scott!

Who's Lenny Scott?

He has a local talk show.

He has all kinds of kooks
and weirdoes on.

He ridicules 'em,
then he makes fun of them.

It doesn't matter
who ridicules you

if you're telling the truth.

I'm sorry, pumpkin.

I just hate to see you blabbing
this thing all over the city.

The truth must be told

and finally someone wants
me to tell it. Oh!

Not me.

Me, either.


I'm on my knees.

Don't do this!

The name Ochmonek
always stood for class.

And you were reincarnated
57 times?

'I see, you're trying to break
Shirley MacLaine's record.'

Is Raquel on yet?

No, Lenny's still talking
to the fat lady.

'So, you were Lady Godiva
in a former life, huh?'

Your horse must have loved that!

How would you rate this guy
in the sleaze ball scale?

Oh, somewhere between
a leech and a shark.

'We'll take our
first caller now.'

'You're on the air.'

Poor ALF.

You realize that after tonight

thousands of people will be
coming to look for him.

I hope they don't take ALF away.

Well, you hope they
don't take ALF away.

How could you be eating
popcorn at a time like this?

We're out of potato chips.

Besides, I always snack

when I'm going to
be exposed on TV.

There she is.

Our next guest is
Raquel Ouch-my-neck.

Thank you.

It's pronounced Ochmonek.

Well, I'll just call you Raquel.

So, what's your story, Raquel?

Well, the other day..

...I saw this in my
neighbor's back yard.

You saw a pile of
mashed potatoes?

Hey, it's me, only lumpier.

No, this is a model of the
space creature I saw.


Must be from the planet Spud.

Well, I don't know what
planet it was from.

But it spoke English.
It said, "Oh, howdy, Raquel."

"Oh, howdy, Raquel?"

Must be from the southern
part of the universe.

Well, it sounds like you
had a close encounter

of the "ya-hoo" kind, huh?

This is a great show, huh?


ALF he's being mean.

Well I didn't get that at all.

Did you, Brian?


Huh! I must've been
thrown off by his subtlety.


...look who just dropped in!

It's Mr. Cuckoo.

And he's chosen
you for his mate.

Are you calling me cuckoo?

Well, let's find out. Are you
calling her cuckoo, Mr. Cuckoo?

Cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo.

Cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo.

You're right! He is mean.

- I'm leaving.
- Where are you going?

The kitchen. I'm going on
a hunger strike in protest.

First, I'm gonna strike
the chocolate cake.

Then, I'm gonna dive
bomb the cheese log.

Tell me, Raquel.

Uh, do you have any physical
proof about what you saw?

Pictures? Footprints?

An English-Martian dictionary?

Just this.

Is that one of it's eggs.

No. No.

The creature took a bite out
of that avocado, you see?

Oh, no, it's the invasion of the
guacamole snatchers!


You're making, a
re you making fun of me?

I think, we'll take
our first caller.

Oh, howdy.

'Howdy, yourself.'

'I wanna say that Mrs. Ochmonek
knows what she's talking about.'

They're coming out of
the woodwork tonight.

'Aliens do exist.'

'And they've visited
this planet many times.'

'Although they
don't drink the water.'

sounds so familiar.

Folks, I'd like
to report a UFO.

An unidentified flaky object.

Well, listen, I couldn't
help noticing your hair.

Is that a toupee, or did
you sprout polyester?

It's ALF. It's him.

Hello? Hello?

He hung up on me.

ALF, what ever possessed
you to do such a thing?

Hey, somebody had to defend
Mrs. Ochmonek's honor.

Don't you realize what a
chance you were taking?

Things were getting
out of hand, Kate.

I just wanted to be
the voice of reason.

You missed it, ALF. They just
voted you cuckoo of the week.


Where's Lizard taking you?

Oh, to a science fiction movie.

Something about this
guy being shrunk

and then injected
into someone else.

Oh, that's not science fiction.

A friend of mine did that once.

He took a wrong turn and
got stuck in the guy's nose.

- ALF.
- Wait!

I didn't tell you the
good part, how he got out.

- See, what they had...
- We don't wanna know.

- 'Hi, dad.'
- 'Hi, honey.'

Hi, honey.

What's the good word?

Oh, well, the good word is, uh.. looks like you're safe.

Trevor's going around taking
down all the posters.

Oh, heat's off?
I'll be at the beach.

- ALF.
- Well, I've got sun block.

You're staying right here.

What's the bad word?


I feel just terrible for her.

She's been so traumatized
by this whole experience

that she-she won't
talk to anyone.

She just sits in front the TV,
staring at the screen.

How's Trevor handling it?

Not very well.

He said he wanted
to go out for a long walk

Wanna search through
his feelings.

Possibly bowl a few games.

Isn't there something that we
could do for Mrs. Ochmonek?

I'll go have a talk with her.

Smart, spaceman. Real smart.

I have to do something.

The woman's a
turnip because of me.

I'm afraid that's true.

She, she thinks
she's lost her mind.

But I do exist.

I shed, therefore I am.

What do you think we should do?

Well, I don't know, honey.
Talk to her, be patient.

Convince her that
she didn't see an alien.

Well, let's face it.
I'm unforgettable.


The ALF broadcasting company

is on the air.

Greetings, earth woman.

Yo, Raquel, can you hear me?

What's going on?

Take it easy.

I'm the alien you
saw the other day.

You remember me,
Mr. Potato head?

Oh, no. He's everywhere.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Spacemen don't exist.

Everyone knows that.

We do exist.

The reason I'm doing this
is to show you that

you're still running
on all three cylinders.

Oh. Oh, please don't
do this to me.

I've just begun to
resume a normal life.

You call that normal?

Sitting around in
your bathrobe all day?

Where are you?

Uh, I'm out in space..

...deep, deep space.

Millions of light
years from earth.

Oh! A meteor shower!

'What do you want from me?'

Raquel, I want you to regain
your faith and imagination.

'Your, your girlish
love of life.'

Oh, and I want you
to take art lessons.

ALF, what are you doing?

Uh, n-n-no.
Do not adjust your set.

We are experience
technical difficulties.

ALF, you're only
gonna make things worse.

Au contraire.
I'm trying to help matters.

Now, just give me a chance.

Who are you talking to?

Uh, my crew.

Get back in the hold,
you lackeys.


Well, if she sees you,
you'll ruin everything.

We're back.

Where did you go?

Uh, uh, Raquel, listen to me.

This is very important.

There are many
things in this universe

you are not meant to understand.

Now, that doesn't mean
they're not real.

I'm real.

And whether other
people believe you or not

you know I'm real.

Thank you.

Let me ask you something.

Why are you wearing
all those utensils?

Oh, oh, that's one of the things

you're not supposed
to understand.

Uh, here's another one.

You should set a couple
of pumpkin pies

out on your back
porch once a week.

And never question
why they disappear.

Uh, twice a week!

Alright, I will.

Good girl!

Uh, also, I noticed you
don't have a cat.

Remedy that!

Uh, Yeah. Now, now, I must go.

So, uh, live long and prosper.

Uh, may the force be with you.

Uh, phone home.
Go ahead, make my day.

Oh. Oh, yeah, and don't
forget about those pies.


Oh, thank you!

Thank you, whoever you are.


- ALF.
- I know. I know.

I did it again.

But I shouldn't have done it.

I, uh, I thought first
and spoke later.

No, actually I spoke first
and thought later.

Uh, what you did was.. did a pretty nice thing
for Raquel, that's what you did.

Yeah, you did.
We're proud of you.

Yeah? I'm something, huh.

Hey, maybe, uh, maybe I should
get a Nobel peace prize.

Wouldn't that look
nice on the mantel?

Oh, I don't know.

We might not have room for
your Cuckoo of the Week award.

You're right. Forget it.

- Gin.
- Oh.

- Yeah.
- No.

What do you have?

I've, nine, nineteen, twenty..

...thirty nine.

Yeah, you owe me...$57,000.

Will you settle for a kiss?


'Hey, Tanner.'

Uh, yeah, come on.
Come on in, Trevor.

Did you see anybody take a

couple of pumpkin pies
from our back porch?

Uh, no.

Uh, w-uh, how's Raquel?

Is she back to normal?

She claims the spaceman
called her on the TV

and told her to
take art lessons.

You call that normal?

But at least she's happy.

- Well, that's good news.
- Yeah.

Sorry about those pies.

Nah, that's okay. We're going
out to dinner, anyway.

You want me to bring
you back a corn dog?

Corn...uh, no, thanks, uh,
we-we'll see you later, Trevor.

Got ya.


Did somebody mention corn dogs?