ALF (1986–1990): Season 2, Episode 24 - Tequila - full transcript

ALF assists Kate's alcoholic friend realise that she needs help.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

I can see myself in this
coffee pot, can I go now?

Not until you can see
yourself in the silverware.

Who's coming to dinner?
The smudge police?

They're my college roommates.

I know, I know.

Rent a sense of humor, will ya?

ALF, I only have these people
over once every four years

and I don't like you
ridiculing my efforts.

Fine, from now on

I'll be a "Yes" alien.

[knocking on door]


'Hurry up, Kate,
we got groceries.'

We can't let you in.

We just polished the doorknob.


Wow! Look at that sign!

What sign?




[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

When? How?

Why did you do this?

Half an hour ago.


Seemed like a good idea.

Well, it's not coming off.

Maybe they won't notice.

They won't notice..

...because they won't
be coming here.

If I were the paranoid type

I'd think this had
something to do with me.

Hello, Betty?
Uh, listen, it's Kate.

Um, uh, I'm afraid we can't
get together here tonight.

Uh, my decorator got
a little carried away.

No, no, no, no,
I still wanna get together.

Uh, how about if we
meet...on campus

at the Summa Cum Lately?

Yeah, it's still there.

I here it's Cajun now.

Same time would be great.

Listen, will you call Maura?
I'll call Sylvia.

Okay. Yeah. Well, see you then.


Best we can do is
to paint over it.

You're gonna cover that up?

That's like covering
up a Rembrandt

or a Winchell's billboard.

We're painting over it.

I think I got some more
of that beige in the garage.

Beige? Now there's
a commitment to color.

It'll be beige, ALF.

And if you interfere in any way

you maybe hearing the buzz
of a Lady Remington.

[instrumental music]

(female #1)
could I have a margarita?'

(female #2)
'Make that a pitcher.'

'Coming right up!'

Now, tell me what
have you guys been up to?

Well, we haven't been
trying cases

before the state supreme
court like some people.

Yeah, congratulations.

Next thing you know
you'll be confirmed

as Chief Justice.

Not a chance. I smoked marijuana

once during the sixties.


Now, tell me what
have you been up to?

Same old thing. I'm still
selling houses on the Westside.

Yeah, yeah.
Number one in sales again.

They gave her a Cadilac
to match her blazer.

Yeah, but beige is
so non-committal.


I've heard that.

And what about you, Sylvia?

Sold the card shop,
bought a stationary store.

Sold that, bought a paper mill.

Sold that, bought a forest.

That's fantastic!

- And what are you up to, Kate?
- Nothing.

Well, uh, no, not nothing.

I'm still a wife and mother.

I have to stay home
and watch the children.

I thought Brian
was in school now.

He is. She means stay home
and watch all my children.

Well, a family of five..

...or, in my case, four

or any number for that matter.. quite a responsibility.

Boy, sometimes I wish
I'd gone that way.

The whole thing just
seems so alien to me.

Yeah, that's another thing.

You know, we have got to
get to the airport.

- Oh, I know.
- 'Oh.'

Look, what are the
chances of y'all

flying up to Portland next year?

- Slim.
- None.

Never mind. I'll come down.

- Bye-bye.
- Bye.

- Bye.
- Bye, sweetie.

I can't believe it,
I missed the whole party.

- Bye, sweetie.
- See you later.

- So short!
- Once a year.

It's like two minutes.

- See you next year.
- See you, guys.

- Yeah, next year.
- Next year.


Maura, I-I've got
to go in a minute too.

But, uh...I just
wanna tell you.. proud we are of you and.. much I respect
what you have accomplished.


Gee, I meant that
as a compliment.

Oh, Kate.

Kate, I can't go home.

Well, honey, why?
What's happened?

John and I have had
a really terrible fight.


Can I stay with you tonight?

Uh, you know what

no, I-I mean of course.

- You can stay...with me.
- Oh, thank you.


Oh, l-look, l-let me make just a

real quick phone call, okay?

And, um, I'll be right back.

[telephone rings]


Dad, it's for you. It's mom.

Go ahead, Willie.
I'll hold the brush.

Well, okay,
but don't paint with it.

I won't.

Um, don't eat it.

He didn't say not to lick it.

It's implied.



Oh, hi, honey, it's me.

Hi, Kate, what's the matter?

Uh, well, nothing really.

But I'm here with Maura and
she wants to spend the night.


Uh, yes, um..

Uh, she just had a
big fight with John

and she's very upset,
I'd like to help her out.

'But can we manage it?'

Well, the sign's almost covered.

'All we have to do
is hide the artist.'

Okay. We'll be home
in about, uh, 30 minutes.

She can sleep on the couch.

Well, that should be no problem.



How would she feel about
sleeping on the floor?


Well, at least
I didn't get any on me.

[instrumental music]

Works for me.

Thank you for the ALF
housekeeping seal of approval.

I'll be going to the garage now.

No, you won't.

I won't be going
to the garage now.

Where will I be going?

You will be sleeping
in Brian's room tonight.

I don't wanna sleep
in Brian's room.

His Smurf clock offends me.

You will be sleeping
in Brian's room.

I will be sleeping Brian's room.

Even though his
Smurf clock offends me.

'Well here we are Maura.'


I'll be in Brian's room

along with that
grinning blue idiot.

I'll just, uh, open the lock we go.

Fine, Kate. Go ahead.
Whatever you say, I'm ready.

- Hi!
- Hi, Willie.

- Hi, Maura.
- Willie.

Hi, it's so nice to see you.

Welcome to our humble abode.

Thanks for taking me in.

Oh, I hope this isn't
an inconvenience.

No, not at all. Well, I hope you
don't mind sleeping on a bed.


Uh, normally,
there's a couch there

but, um...we're
having it cleaned.

And burned!

Well, listen, I'm just
really glad to be here.

Uh, I'll go
get an extra blanket.

Thanks, honey.

So would you like to call John

let him know you're alright?

What, and ruin his evening?

Why don't I make us some tea?

Oh, Lynnie,
you know Mrs. Norris.

Of course, how are you?

Lynnie! I don't believe it.

Oh, is this that same
little girl that

used to drool
on my law books?

Well, I've developed a greater

respect for the law since then.

And since I read your
arguments in People v. Fusco.

You actually read
those arguments?

Oh, sure!

Maura, what do you
take in your tea?

Usually bourbon.

Ha ha ha.

[instrumental music]



Nice try though.


Oh, come on, Sammy.

Did you honestly think
that you could fool me

with that silly disguise?


Sammy who?

What do you mean Sammy who?

Sammy you!

You know me?

Of course.

Now, quit fooling around.

Come over here, sit down,
have a drink.

Well, maybe a short one.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Now, you realize that I'm just

a figment of your imagination

and not an alien from
another planet, right?

Of course.

Just checking.

Well, gotta run!

I've got other dreams
to appear in.

Oh, knock it off, Sammy.

You're not going anywhere.

I'm not?

No, we've been through
all this before.

By the way,
that is the strangest

I've ever seen you look.

You should see me in a tank top.

This even beats
the time you showed up

as the dog in the cowboy suit.

How often do I show up?

You arrive during
the third margarita

and leave sometime
during the blackout.

Well, at least I'm consistent.

Yeah. Here.



Holy owned and operated!

- What is this stuff?
- What do you mean what is it?

We've been drinking tequila
together for seven years.

Well, did I ever ask
what's in it?

No. You just always said that it
tastes better than it smells.

Well, let's hope so.

Well, at least
there's a worm in it.



- I was wrong.
- About what?

This tastes worse
than it smells.


[ALF groaning]


Willie, what's that?

Well, I don't, I don't know.

It sounds like.. alien groaning
and groping his way

along the walls of our hall.

That's what I thought.


ALF, what are you doing?


Groaning and groping

and looking for a place
to do the Technicolor yawn.

What's the matter?

I've been poisoned, Willie.

Earth germs.

I saw it in
"War Of The Worlds."

Before aliens can
destroy the planet..

...the Earth germs get 'em.

What are you talking about?

Well, my tongue feels hairy.

Your tongue is hairy.

What did you eat?

Just the usual, everything.

It's what I drank.

'What did you drink?'

I think they call it tequila.


You have a hangover!

You shouldn't be drinking.

Hey, I'm over 21.

I'm over 221.

You got into the liquor cabinet?

No, Maura got into
the liquor cabinet.

You saw her? She saw you?

Yeah, yeah, now we're
seeing each other.

But I don't think
it's gonna work out.

She's a booze hag.

That is not true!

And I will not have
you or anyone else

insulting my friends that way.

Do you hear me?

Oh, boy, do I!

This isn't a criticism, Willie.

But your wife's voice seems

unusually grating this morning.

I can't believe you

and Maura got drunk together.


And now she thinks I'm her

imaginary drinking buddy.

Who appears after she's
had half of fifth.

Which must be a tenth.

Ow, ow, math hurts.

Drinking..'s not good.

Well, tell me about it.

I'm off the sauce forever.

It's that hooch-monger
you have to worry about.

Will you stop
insulting Kate's friend?

Well, what would you call her?

Her name is Maura.
It's always been Maura.

Except in college
when we called her..


She played ball for Purdue?


She drank 14 boilermakers
in one night.

I guess we thought that
was funny at the time.


I would like to apologize
for losing my temper

if you will apologize to me
for what you said about Maura.

Apology accepted and given.

Now, if you'll excuse me

I have to drive
the porcelain bus.


Is he really that hung over?

[ALF retching]


Uh, maybe we ought to go

see what sort of shape
Boilermaker is in.

I-I mean Maura.
What shape Maura is in.

Did you say "Boilermaker?"

Yeah, that's what
we called her in college.

[ALF retching]

Why did you call her that?

Because she drank too much.

And let's face it, Kate,
she still does.

You mean you think that
she's an alcoholic?

I don't know, um..

...I think you
should talk to her.

But, honey, she's so successful
and motivated and...



[ALF retching]

'I don't remember eating that.'

[instrumental music]

So what's the main attribute

for a lawyer facing
the Supreme court?

A lack of ethics.

And shiny shoes.


I'm sorry. It's a little
too early to talk shop.

Well, maybe a little Lynnie.

How early is it anyway?

Mmm, 7:30.


- Hi, guys.
- Good morning, Maura.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

Oh, dad, could you
drop me off at school?

- Julie's car broke.
- What do you mean broke?

You mean she got a flat tire?

No, dad. One of the flange
gaskets is leaking gas

onto the intake manifold.

I stand corrected.

We-we'll be on our way
just as soon as I, uh..

...finish my screwdriv...

I mean my orange juice.

Would you like some
breakfast, Maura?

Oh, thanks, Kate, I'm having it.

How about some tomato juice?

Plain tomato juice?



We got to go, Lynn, um..

Great to see you again, Maura.

- Thanks, Willie.
- Gosh!

I hope everything
works out for you.


Goodbye, Mrs. Norris.

It was so great seeing you.

Oh, same here, Lynnie.

Oh, I have so much
respect for you

and I would really like
to be like you someday.


- What's wrong? What'd I say?
- It's okay.

- No, it's nothing.
- Is she okay?


Rough night last night, huh?

Oh, no rougher than usual.

You mean nothing
strange happened?

Uh, you-you slept okay?

I mean you didn't, uh

hear anything or see anything?

What are you getting at, Kate?

Nothing. I just wondered.

Yeah-uh, if you slept okay?

Fine, I slept fine.

Maura, I-I..

...I don't know exactly
how to say this, but..

...are you aware of
how much you drink?

Well, I drink, but
no more than anybody else.

I can certainly handle it.

I'm not so sure about that.

I think that you might have
a little problem with this.

Oh, Kate.

Kate, I had a huge
fight with my husband.

I'm under a lot of
pressure at the firm.

'It helps me relax, that's all.'

'I don't have
a drinking problem.'

Look, Kate, I had a
few drinks last night

because I was happy
to see everybody.

I had one or two more here
before I went to bed

but that was it!

[mimicking buzzer]


Kate, do you see...

She can't see or hear me, Maura.

Only you can.

I'm your drinking pal, remember?

See what, Maura?
I don't see anything.

There's a little
guy...right there?

Yeah, go ahead, describe me.

And while you're at it

tell her about the
dog in the cowboy suit.

Kate, there's this little man
that I see sometimes

when I dream, but..

...I've never seen
him in the morning.

Well, I usually sleep in.

Is this someone you see
after you've been drinking?

Yes. Sometimes, but..

Oh, well, it really doesn't
happen that often.

I'll bet Kate's gonna ask you

how long you've been seeing me.

[fake coughs]


How long has this been going on?

Oh, a couple of weeks maybe.

How long?

A year.

One year?

Two or three years.

- Ahem.
- Alright.

Seven years.


- That's a long time.
- Yeah, I know.

Have you discussed
this with John?

Yeah, we talk about it.


That's what we fight about.

He thinks I'm an...

Booze hag?


- An alcoholic?
- Yes, but he's wrong.

Is he wrong?

Maura, Maura, look who's here.

Your imaginary drinking buddy.

At 7:30 in the morning!

[imitates gunfire]

You wanna be stuck with that

the rest of your life?


Then why don't we call
the Betty White Clinic?

Betty Ford.


I was just thinking that.. would be a good
time to get some help.

Maura, there are
places you can call

that know how to handle
this sort of thing.

Honey, I just hate
to see you so unhappy.


Maybe I ought to think about it.


Maura, I hope you
never see me again.

Wait, maybe it was
the Betty Boob Clinic.

[instrumental music]


Here-here's another
food catalog.

Oh, the cheese log issue!

Listen to this. It's from Maura.

"Dear, Kate, since my visit
with you and your family

"I've started to try
and rebuild my life.

"It's very difficult
but I found a group of people

"who are extremely supportive
so at least I'm not alone.

"I'm even starting
to like the taste

of plain tomato juice. Ha ha."

I hate it when people write
in laughs like that.

At least she didn't write
"I kill me."

"I'm anxious to have you
all over to dinner soon.

BYO soft drinks."

Did she invite me?

Oh, she didn't
mention you, Sammy.

After all I did for her

she pretends I don't exist.

I'm sure she's grateful, ALF.

But, you know,
we're the only ones

who really know what you did.

We owe you one.

A big one?

A big one!

Great! Cheese log number 37.

Muenster Madness.

Fifty pound size, $99.95.


She walked right into that,
didn't she?

She certainly did.

- Ha-ha!
- $99.95?

It's a lot of cheese.

Be thankful I didn't
get the Nell Carter Ball.


[theme music]


[instrumental music]