ALF (1986–1990): Season 2, Episode 23 - I'm Your Puppet - full transcript

[blows]

[sniffing]

Aah! Nothing like
the smell of a new car.

[honking]

- Yeah.
- What...is that?

My new wheels.

This will really impress
the chicks.

- Are you impressed?
- No.

I was talking to the chick.
Not the mother hen.

What is that thing?

It's not a thing.



It's an ALF Romeo.

How did you make it?

Well, out of a bunch
of useless junk.

I got the brakes
from your bicycle.

The engine
from Willie's lawn mower

And the seat cover
from Kate's wedding dress.

ALF!

Where you planning
to wear it again?

Get that car
out of the living room.

Fine. Clear the cross walk.

[engine revving]

[crashing]

Great! Now I have
to build a tow truck.

[theme music]



[music continues]

[doorbell ringing]

[sighs]

Oh, hi, Pete.

Hi, Willie.

Another package for ALF Tanner.

Huh.

- How much?
- 29.95.

You got off easy this time.

Here you go.

- I'll see ya.
- Yeah.

- Probably this afternoon.
- Mm.

[door shuts]

Oh, ALF?

I have a package

and a lecture for you.

How come those things
always come in pairs?

Oh, boy! It came!

Here, here, here.

Oh, ALF. What is it this time?

Beats me.

You're getting Styrofoam
all over the carpet.

Sorry.

[spits]
Yuck!

They're stale!

Look..

It's a ventriloquist's dummy.

Yeah! Yeah, I saw one of
these little guys on TV.

He was hilarious!

Come on, dummy, speak to me.

Just my luck. He's a mute.

(ALF)
Come on, talk!

Talk!

Don't make me
get the rubber hose.

He's broken, Willie!

Looks like you blew 30 bucks.

ALF, I'm not going
to raise my voice.

I'm not going to threaten you.

I'm just going to say,
for the 928th time

please don't ever do this again.

I'd better send Willie
some flowers, Lynn.

Bring me the phone.

No.

You've got to stop spending

other people's money.

Why? People like it
when you spend their money.

On Melmac that's how you said

"I care."

If you don't stop caring

you're gonna send dad
to the poorhouse.

I noticed
you haven't said very much.

ALF, you have to make him talk..

...like this.

Hi, ALF, pleased to meet you.

That's amazing!

He sounds just like you!

That was me. See, look.

You just pull
this little string

and he'll open his mouth
and say whatever you want.

We had a guy like that
on Melmac.

Our president.

Here. You try it. That's it.

Hi, Lynn!

Pay no attention
to the furry guy

with his hand up my back.

You're not supposed
to move your lips.

What lips?

You-you have to talk
with your mouth closed.

Oh. Well, no problem.

[mumbling]
Hi, Lynn!

Pay no attention to the guy

with his hand up my back.

Kate, Kate. Can you hold off
on the vacuuming?

We're in the middle
of something here.

I'm not going to vacuum.
You are!

- Me?
- Yes, you.

And as my mother once said

"those who don't work,
don't eat."

Sweet lovable grandma said that?

I'm surprised.

You heard the lady.
You better put that thing away.

It's not a thing.
It's my new pal.

What do you think
I should name him?

I don't know.

Their names are usually goofy

like Mortimer Snerd.

Knucklehead Smith.

I think I'll call him..

...Paul.

Paul?

That's not a goofy name.

Oh, it is on Melmac.

One time I called a guy Paul

I ended up with 14 stitches!

It's a good thing I didn't
call him a son of a Paul.

I'll remember that.

Although I have no idea why.

Hey, look, this teaches you
how to talk

without moving your mouth.

Repeat after me.

"A boy bought a baboon."

- What boy?
- I don't know.

- Well, where did he buy it?
- It doesn't matter.

- Can I have one?
- It never happened.

Then why are you
spreading these rumors?

That's it! I'm doing my homework
someplace else.

Well, thanks for all your help!

Hey, ALF, want to play
a computer game?

Well, not right now.

Hey, how would you like
to help me learn ventriloquism?

Sure. What do I do first?

First you plug in
that vacuum cleaner

and suck up
all those Styrofoam thingies.

No way!

I'm not as gullible
as I used to be.

Hey! Where is everybody going?

Boy!

Doesn't anybody want to have
any fun around here?

I do.

[instrumental music]

(ALF)
'Ta-da!'

Welcome to
the Tanner dinner theater.

Starring Gordon Shumway
and Paul!

Oh, ALF, what are you doing?
We were just...

There will be no talking
during tonight's performance.

And now, our opening joke.

Say hello, dummy!

Hello, dummy!

[laughs]

Oh, brother!

Oh-oh! The crowd looks tough.

So does the roast beef.

[laughs]

Hey, Paul. It looks like
they're glad to see you.

Oh, that's 'cause
with me on your hand

you can't grab all the food!

[all laughing]

We kill us!

ALF, how did you
get so good so fast?

Well, I pick things up
pretty quickly.

Except for those
Styrofoam thingies.

You shoved them under the rug!

Well, Sshh. Ow! He bit me.

Oh, you're lucky
I didn't tell 'em

that you broke
Willie's brand new...

Uh, in closing,
I'd like to leave you

with something me dear departed
grandfather said.

[speaking in foreign language]

Is that Melmacian?

No, it's gibberish.

The man was a babbling idiot.

[laughing]

Ha! Ha!
Hey, how about some applause?

- Okay.
- Pretty nice. Very nice!

So, only caused me 29.95.

On core, on core.

No, no, no. Not now, ALF,
the food's getting cold.

But we haven't done
our show stopper.

♪ Ebony and ivory ♪♪

[indistinct chatter]

Where's Geppetto?

Last time I saw him,
he and Paul were playing poker.

You know,
it was kind of strange.

Paul was cheating
and ALF didn't seem to notice.

Well..

...at least they're
not here, not now.

I mean...if you know
what I mean.

No, I-I don't know
what you mean.

Well..
I know what you mean.

- Oh, baby!
- 'Oh!'

ALF.

Did we spoil the moment?

[sighs]

ALF, stop hiding under the bed.

Hey, it's no picnic
for me under there.

Well, actually it was.

We ate a couple of dust bunnies.

Why are you here?

Ask Paul. It was his idea.

Okay. Why are you here?

Alright. I heard ya, I heard ya.

It's showtime!

No, it's bedtime.

I'd like to start
with my impression of ALF.

Me?

Yeah, you, fur-brain.

Yo, Wilhelm.

You're going to have
one less mouth to feed.

I ate your cat!

Oh, ho. Very funny.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Impression number two.

Someone who ate Kate's cooking.

[retching]

Paul, that is the second time

you have insulted my cooking.

I'm trying to reason
with a block of wood.

Block of wood?

Hey, Kate, easy.

He's sensitive about his roots.

[Kate sighs]

You know what this means?

You're making a right turn?

Get out.

This is all your fault.

Oh, don't blame me.

They wouldn't know talent

if it threw up on their bed.

This is getting really bizarre.

Oh, baby!

[instrumental music]

(Paul)
'If you're looking
for the roast beef'

'I set it free.'

Hi, ALF.

I-I didn't know
you were still awake.

ALF's asleep.

You're talking to me.

[laughs]

[instrumental music]

Can't you pack any faster?

Not one-handed.

Why do we have to run away?

Because this place
is a suburban Sing Sing.

Hi, ALF. Whatcha doing?

Uh, running away from home.

Oh, great. Tell the whole world!

Why are you running away?

None of your business!

[laughs]

I'm gonna tell dad.

Dad!

Hey, hey!

What's the idea
of lying to Brian like that?

Ow! Don't hit me.

Shut up and keep packing.

Well, what if I don't wanna go?

What if someone sees me?

I'll tell 'em
you're my pet sloth..

...which isn't too far
from the truth.

I don't know
why I stay friends with you.

Because I'm your alter ego.

You're my what?

I tell you what to do.

Now, grab that radio over there.

We'll hock it.

I can't take that.
It's Willie's!

You're not taking anything.

And I think it's time
I took that dummy away from you.

No! No!

Yeah. Back off or you'll be
sucking splinters.

ALF..

...uh, Paul is only a toy.

How about if we replace him
with a Papa Smurf?

Why don't we replace the two
of you with Ozzie and Harriet?

At least Harriet could cook.

That's it, mister.
You are kindling.

No, no! Don't take Paul
away from me.

He'll die!

ALF, w-why don't you and Paul
just go in the house?

Uh, we're not gonna
bother you anymore. I promise.

See how nice they are?
Thank you.

That's very kind of...

Come on! Come on!

I'll teach you how to smoke.

- But I don't wanna smoke.
- It's good for ya.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

Willie, what..

What did you do that for?

Don't worry.
I'm getting psychiatric help.

Well, good for you, honey.
But what about ALF?

That's what I meant.

- Oh.
- I'm calling Larry.

He helped ALF last year.

He didn't even send us a bill.

You get what you pay for.

Hey! Give me some more nuts.

But I don't want any more nuts.

(Paul)
'I do!'

[siren wailing on TV]

[banging]

That is really annoying.

Good.

ALF, your dummy is making me
very uncomfortable.

Well, at least you don't have
to sleep with him.

He's giving me the creeps!

[laughs]

Goodbye.

I think she likes me.

[banging]

[window creaking]

Talk about a puppet dictator.

You know, you don't often hear

about the dangers
of ventriloquism.

[knock on door]

Larry, come on. Come on in.

Hi, Willie, how are you?
Nice seeing you.

- Oh, Lar.
- Hello, Kate.

How are you, love?

We appreciate your coming over.

Well, I had to come over
to see if this dummy

is really as bad
as you say he is.

Actually, he's worse.

- Oh!
- Where's the patient?

Oh, he's in the living room
watching TV.

- Oh?
- And eating peanuts.

[banging]

Hey, ALF.

- ALF..
- Larry!

Nice seeing you again.
How are ya?

Hey-hey!

Oh, great! Look who walked in!

You've got a fat lot of nerve

showing your face around here.

Who's he?

Uh, Paul, this is Larry.

He is a shrink.

Yeah? Well, tell him
to beat it.

I'm small enough as it is.

[laughs]

Uh..

So, uh...what's new?

Well, certainly not your suit.

When they made that

there was only
one Brooks brother.

[laughs]

Hey, you're a pretty funny guy.

Just wait. You'll be mad
at me soon enough.

Oh, now, why would I do that?

Because you're
an egg sucking bone head.

Egg sucking..

[scoffs]
You're really a riot.

I'm surprised
you don't get along

with the Tanners.

Well, it's not my fault.
I like the Tanners.

Speak for yourself.

What's wrong with the Tanners?

Too many stupid rules!

Don't eat the cat.
Don't break the dishes.

Don't eat the cat.

ALF..

...do you object to these rules?

Yeah, especially
rules number one and three.

I think I'm beginning
to understand.

Oh, wait. You haven't heard
all the rules.

Don't throw food on the floor.

Don't eat food off the floor.

Don't bonk the guests.

I never heard that one.

Great!

Bonk!

[groans]

Still friends?

Funny. Funny guy.

Ah, geez.

Oh.

(Paul)
'More nuts.'

[banging]

[sighs]

Lar, did you find out
what's wrong with ALF?

Yeah. His dummy's a jerk.

I'm glad we asked
for a professional opinion.

Hey, he bonked me!

Should have a rule against that.

Why, I think we do.
Don't-don't we have a rule...

Guys, please!
Lar, what's wrong with ALF?

Well, I do have a theory.

I mean, uh, ever since
ALF came to live here

he had to be
on his best behavior, right?

- That's been his best behavior?
- I'd hate to see his bad side.

- Ah.
- Well, you just did.

It's Paul.

He's using the dummy
to blow off steam.

But what do we do about it?

Well, you could
get the dummy a dummy.

But then you would be stuck
with a really little guy

with a really bad temper.

There-there must be another way.

Tsk. Well, I have an idea.

It may be a bit drastic.

But I think we should go for it.

What is it?

Well, everybody has to break
some rules now and then.

I mean, and ALF's no different.

I think you, uh..

I think you should
let him eat the cat.

- W-what?
- No!

I mean, you know, we could
let him break some dishes.

I mean, anything to get-get
the old ALF back.

Couldn't we just let him throw
popcorn on the floor?

We'll do that, too.
Uh, what about you, Willie?

Do you have any ideas?

No, none. Not a one.

Okay. Here we go.

Ha.

Look who's here!

The three stooges.

Couldn't we just solve this
with a buzz saw?

No, no, no.
Just do what I do, okay?

And one for you.

Hey.

[plate shattering]

- What was that?
- It's our good China.

[plate shattering]

Yeah, we're breaking it.

[plate shattering]

I was right.

They are the three stooges.

Hey, come on, ALF.
Have some fun. Grab.

No, don't do it! It's a trap!

No, it's not. Here.

- Throw some popcorn around.
- Yeah.

To-toss it
anywhere you want, ALF.

This is too good to be true.
I've got to go for this one.

Hey, hey, hey! I'm on a roll!
Bring me some dishes!

You'll be sorry!

Don't listen to him. Here.
Give it a heave.

How many points for hitting
that picture of Kate's mother?

A hundred.

Willie!

[shattering]

More plates!
That picture taunts me still.

We're out of plates!

Break something else, ALF.

But like what?

How about something small,
wooden and obnoxious?

Leave Kate's meat loaf
out of this.

He was talking about you.

And he's right!
You are obnoxious.

Yeah? Well, you're
a mama's alien.

Paul, you said
you were my friend.

I lied!

Think about it, ALF.

Do you really need
a friend like Paul?

He's right.
I don't need you.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah!

- Yeah?
- Yeah!

Say goodbye, dummy.

Goodbye, dummy.

[thud]

Ooh!

You shouldn't have bonked
the guest.

How are you feeling, ALF?

Great! I'm on
a house-wrecking high!

He means how-how do you feel

about...Paul?

Oh. Well..

I guess I'll miss him.

But I'll get over it.

I'm over it.

[Kate sighs]

You're gonna be alright.

And to prove it
I'm gonna send you a bill.

[laughs]

ALF, you, you really
feel okay about this?

Yeah, yeah.

I've lost a friend

but I've regained my left hand.

We're so happy to hear it.

Now, if memory serves..

...we were chucking plates
at grandma.

[instrumental music]

Morning, ALF.

Hi, Lynn.

(Paul)
Hi, Lynn.

Don't do that.

Boy! Nobody likes that joke.

Willie and Kate
almost fell out of bed.

Brian threw a Gobot at me.

Well, we're all just glad
Paul's gone.

- He is gone, isn't he?
- Yeah.

In fact, last night

I gave him
a traditional Melmacian funeral.

I laid him to rest
in the same way

I hope to be someday.

Where is he?

In the freezer,
next to the fish sticks.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[ALF laughing]