ALF (1986–1990): Season 2, Episode 22 - Movin' Out - full transcript

The Tanners may need to sell their house because Willie has been promoted to a supervisory position in San Deigo.

Four, five..

If line 65 is larger
than line 34, deduct from line...

- What are you doing?
- Huh?

I'm doing Willie's taxes
and eating his dinner.

Oh...leave that alone.

Uff, what do you know
about taxes?

I'm an expert on travel,
entertainment and depreciation.

You mean destruction.

No, destruction goes
under entertainment.

Hi, everybody.

- Hi, dad.
- Hi.

Willie, how did your meeting go?

And more importantly, what are
your projected capital gains

for the fourth quarter,
if any?

Strangely enough, ALF,
I will be enjoying

a modest increase in income

because I've just been promoted
to district supervisor.

- Oh!
- 'That's great.'

You got it.

So you're gonna be supervisor
for all of Los Angeles?

Well, not exactly
all of Los Angeles.

- Fullerton?
- No.

- Anaheim?
- No.

Well, are you gonna
tell us where it is

or should we get a map
and throw darts?

Actually, I'm supervisor
for all of San Diego.

So you mean
we're gonna have to move?

Well, it kinda looks like it.

We can't move.
I've put down roots here.

You know, this year is
my last year of high school.

You don't wanna move either,
do you, ALF?

I'm ambivalent.

On one hand I could use
the change of scenery.

On the other hand
I'm terrified of Shamu.

Hey, Lynn, we're not gonna move

until after the end of the
school year.

In the meantime, I'll commute.

You are gonna taking me
when you move, right?

Well, we might if you stop
eating Willie's dinner.

Oh, immediate gratification

versus long term security.

I'm thinking,
I'm thinking.

Morning, Bri.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know it's early
but I'm sure

your dad will appreciate
you seeing him off.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know when you were a baby
you used to wake us up

at 6:00 a.m.

Boy, you really carry a grudge.

- Good morning.
- Hi, honey.

I thought you were gonna do
the 30 minute workout.

I was,
but I turned off the TV

when I heard
that perky little voice yell

"Come on, gang,
let's jazzercise."

♪ San Diego here I come ♪

♪ Melmac's where
I started from ♪♪

I told you, ALF,
we're not moving yet.


♪ All my bags are packed
I'm ready to go ♪♪

- Would you like some breakfast?
- What do you think?

I'll be having
the bacon and eggs

and sausage and ham,
and liver and onions

and chicken pot pie.

- We're having oatmeal.
- Even better.

My cholesterol must be
in the millions.

- Good morning, dad.
- Hi, honey.

Hey, you guys didn't have to all
get up for me this morning.

That's not what mom said.

Hey, boss man, ready for
your first day as head honcho?

The big cheese.
Mr. Dithers.

Big cheese will be fine.

Speaking of cheese, Kate,
throw a slab on my oatmeal.

Honey, would you like
some breakfast?

Uh, no, I'll-I'll just
have this cinnamon roll.

Sorry, we're out.

- We got a present for you, dad.
- For me?

Oh! How thoughtful,
you guys.

Oh, look at this.
Classic books on tape.

"'Crime and Punishment,'
'Madame Bovary'

'Twisted Sister.'"

Well, if you don't like
that one, I'll take it.

- 'Hey, Tanners.'
- ALF, it's Trevor.

When does this man sleep?


- Hi.
- Hi, Kate.

What are you doing up so early?

I never miss 30 minute workout.

- You work out?
- I watch.

I like that one instructor
on the left, Muffy

the low-impact one.

Hey, who's the extra
oatmeal for?

- Uh..
- You.

Yeah, Trevor, we were hoping
you'd come over.

Great. I should drop
by more often. drop by?

Oh, yeah, I wanted to wish you

good luck on the new job.

And to see why
you haven't left yet.

That drive down to San Diego
is a killer.

Why is there cheese in this?

We like it that way.

Then let's trade.

You're right about that drive.

I-I better get going.

- Bye, dad.
- Don't forget your tapes.

Okay, now, drive carefully,

- We'll see you tonight.
- Yeah. Goodbye.

Goodbye, everyone.

And, uh, say goodbye to...anyone
else who might miss me.

- We will.
- uh, good luck, Tanner.

Um.. Oh.

I don't believe
you are eating crackers in bed.

I know.
It's such a cliche.

Could you be a dear and hoover
the crumbs out of my fur?

I want every single crumb
out of this bed.

Including you.

Kate, Kate.

I know you're upset about Willie

but he'll be home soon

and I won't leave this bed
till he is.

- Hi.
- Rats.

Just what I wanted
to see in my bed.

Thanks. Cracker?

Honey, it's 11 o'clock at night.
What happened?

I'm sorry, Kate.

I-I-I got in a big tie-up
on the..

...on the...

- Freeway.
- Freeway.

I suppose you've discussed
the, uh, crackers in bed.

Yes, well, we were
just beginning a dialogue

on that when you came in.

Yes, your arrival
was most fortuitous.

Not that it matters.

I'm so tired now
I could sleep on broken glass.

Well, then you might wanna sleep
in front of the China cabinet.

I thought it would be
a good time to mention it.

We'll begin a dialogue
on that...later.

Oh, honey, you look exhausted.

Maybe you should get a place
down there during the week.

I can't do that, Kate.
It would cost too much.

Well, get a couple of roommates.

A blond and a brunette.

But remember,
when Mr. Roper comes over

pretend you're gay.

We're just gonna have
to move to San Diego

sooner than we planned,
that's all.

Alright, I'll go pack..


So I guess we should sell
the house right away.

Maybe with the extra money
I'm making

we can afford a bigger one.

Excuse me

but did anyone find
my cheese spread?


Keep it.

Goodbye. And, uh,
thanks for your offer.

I'm not letting anyone turn this
place into a bed and breakfast.

Did someone mention breakfast?

I'll be having the bacon
and eggs and sausage and...

ALF, it's 4 o'clock
in the afternoon.

Ham and liver
and chicken pot pie.

You know I hate the thought of
someone else living here.

I hate the thought that
it's 14 hours till breakfast.

Will you stop thinking about
your stomach?

We're going through
a traumatic experience here.

Hey, hey, hey. I can relate.

This place means a lot
to me too.

The garage I crashed into.

The bathroom I flooded.

The kitchen I blew up.

Let's sell this dump.

I'm sorry,
Mrs. Spencer, I-I don't know

what happened to your check.

Yes, I know
you have five children.

I can hear them from here.

Yeah. I know the check is late.

Yes, I know
how to read a calendar.

It's the tenth.
It's the eleventh.

I-I'll-I'll see that you get
that check, Mrs. Spencer.

Good morning, sir.

Uh, do you recall,
uh, Mrs. Gladys Spencer?


Spencer? Umm..

You were supposed to have
sent her a check for $482.

Uh, I think I sent it,
I-I remember sending something.. somebody.

Well, she said she didn't get
that check.

Well, she probably blew it
on lottery tickets

forgot about it.

But just in case she didn't

would you mind checking to see

if you have any record
of that check?

Sir, I'll get right on it.


When what?

When are you going to
get right on it?

Well, uh, I was thinking
...after lunch.

How about now?

- I'm not hungry yet.
- Get up!

Gee, whatever happened
to please?

Mr. Tanner, did you sign
those requisitions forms?

- Oh!
- They have to go out by 1:00.

I'll get right on..
I'll do that now.

And payroll is still waiting
for last week's time sheets.

Uh, I'll-I'll do that now.

And, sir, I still don't
have a parking space.

Oh, sorry, Denise,
I'll do that now.

Okay, and your son
is on line two.

Sure, no problem, Denise.
I've got 12 hands.

- Hi, Brian
- 'Hi, daddy!'

- ALF, I'm very busy.
- What are you doing?

I'm assigning parking spaces.

I thought
you were a social worker.

I am but at the moment...
I'm assigning parking spaces.

What do you want?

Two more couple
saw the house today.

Really. Did any of the couples
make an offer?

Nothing worth considering.

I'm very busy, ALF.
I can't talk now.

Put me on hold.
I'll listen to the muzak.

Goodbye, ALF.

Later, babe.

I found the, uh, Spencer check.
It was in the Wilcox file.

Wilcox, Wilcox.
Yeah, that name sounds familiar.

Do you have any explanation
for this?

- Oops.
- Oops?

- That's it?
- Oops, sir.

I'd like you to take
this Mrs. Spencer.


Oh, sir?

Can I take your car?

I don't wanna take my new car
into that part of town.

No, take your car.

Take it home
and don't come back!

Denise, I found you
a parking space.

Excuse me.

aluminum utensils of..'

'...right from the heart
of the Orient.'

'This complete set
of Ginsu Knives.'

'Plus, if you act now,
you'll receive this'

'handy potato peeler,
this automatic knife sharpener'

'and this genuine
bronzite weather vane.'

'Call now.'

Oh, I will, I will!

Listen, what are you doing?

I'm buying you a genuine
bronzite weather vane.

No, you're not.

Kindly remember this when you
don't get a birthday present.

Please, ALF, not tonight.

I'm too tired.

Rough day at the office, dear?

You said..

You know, I spent
six hours on that..

- Freeway.
- Freeway.

Nobody in my office likes
where they have to park.

And on top of that,
I had to fire a guy today.

Whoa! Swing that ax!

I never fired anybody
in my entire life

and I swear
I never wanna do it again!

Well, that's what
George Steinbrenner always says.

Sounds to me like you're not
too crazy about this new job.

I'm-I'm having a little trouble
getting the hang of it

that's all.

Well, like my old
skleenball coach used to say

"Find out
what you don't do well.

Then don't do it."

It's not that simple, ALF.

There are other people
and things

that depend on me.

And-and I've got to consider
what's best for them.

Well...this move
is a big mistake.

I've got to do somethin'.

Nah, that's too stupid.

I'll do it anyway.

So how long have you lived here?

All of our lives.

We don't wanna move.

Well, if we buy this house,
you can come and visit it.

Call first.

Uh, what can you tell us
about the neighborhood?

Well, umm..

...the Ochmoneks take
a little getting used to.

Ochmoneks? You can spray
for those, can't you?

Oh, no, no,
those are our neighbors.

You probably wouldn't like them.

- Lynn!
- Although they're super people.

Perhaps you'd like to take a
look at our ample closet space.

I-I can fix that.

I'm not sure I can fix that.

Well, that's okay.
Howard will fix it.

He's handy with tools.

Yeah, lucky for me.

Oh, honey,
look at the fireplace.

- What was that?
- Oh, just...bricks.

Uh, why don't we show you
the, uh, kitchen?

Yes, yes, that's-that's where
the dishes are.

- ALF?
- It's got to be.

Oh, what an interesting
little kitchen.

This will be great
once we change everything.

Howard is handy with tools.

Yes, you mentioned that.

That usually doesn't happen.

Imagine our relief.

You know, these are just little
things that are easily fixed.

That doesn't mean it's not
like it's anything major.

Like the plumbing?

Let me show you
the rest of the house. Come.

Are-are you folks hiding
any other little defects?

Just one and I'm going
to take care of it.

The bedrooms are back here.

Oh, that's, uh,
that's probably just a fuse.

Who built this place?

The Poltergeist
Construction Company?

Yeah, was anyone
ever murdered here?

Not so far.

The master bedroom.

Well, at first glance,
it seems harmless enough.

Uh, we have wall-to-wall
carpeting and, umm..

Uh, this room is back from
the street, so it's very quiet.

And, umm, this, of course,
is where we sleep.

Although probably not tonight.

- I think we've seen enough.
- Let's go, Howard.

Uh, uh, let me show you
to the door.

Oh, ALF.

Could you get those two
back in here?

They didn't even check
the bathroom.

I loosened every third tile.

This is not the worst thing
you've ever done.

This is the 15th worst thing
you've ever done.

What was number nine?

The time you stuffed my shorts
in Thanksgiving turkey.

What possible reason
could you have had for this?

Nobody wants to move,
including you.

How do you know that?

Because you're a social worker.

What's that got to do
with anything...

Follow me, Willie.
I'm trying to be linear.

Well, one could define
social worker

as a person who performs work

for the social good,
couldn't one?


Well, then how come
all you're doing

is playing
musical parking spaces

and firing guys?

You know, I also have
to find a shortstop

for the office softball team.

Try the Dominican Republic.

Just tell me this.

Why are we moving out
of a house we do like

so you can keep a job
you don't like?

I don't know.

I win.

- ALF, how could you...
- No, no, hold-hold on, Kate.

Before we give ALF the 15th
worst scolding he's ever had

I think there's something
you ought to know.

Brian, Lynn, Kate.. would you all feel
if I asked for my old job back

and we just stayed
in this house?

- Yay!
- Oh, do you mean it, dad?

Of course, umm, I-I'm not gonna
have that raise, you know?

Forget it, we'll move.


A momentary attack
of shallowness.

I'm over it.

Well, honey, y-you worked
so hard for this promotion.

What made you change your mind?

Actually, it was ALF
who convinced me

we'd all be happier
if we stayed right here.



...instead of destroying
the house..

...why didn't we just
talk about it?

That was plan B.

...closet door.

It's gonna take me
at least a couple of weekends

to make these repairs,
you know.

Well, you could have
Howard help you.

He's handy with tools.

Hi, I'm here to see the house.

Oh, I'm sorry.
We just took it off the market.

Are you jerking me around?

Look, lady, I came
all the way from Costa Mesa

to see this house

and I really think
I should see the house.

Well, you can see it,
but you're not gonna buy it.

And why not?

Whoa! I am out of here!

Hey, great! Now we've got
a furnished basement.

Whoa! I am out of here!