ALF (1986–1990): Season 2, Episode 21 - Hit Me with Your Best Shot - full transcript

It's the Tanners who learn a lesson while trying to passively resist a belligerent father and son.

What are you doing?

Oh, soaking up rays, babe.

Except your sun lamps
not working.

I've been sitting here
for five hours.


Five hours?

ALF, you're lucky
you didn't get a sunburn.


Oh! Oh, it hurts.
It hurts.

Well, would you, would you
like some cold cream?

Yeah. Uh, but just one scoop.

I'm on a diet.

It's for your nose.

That's where I'm trying
to lose the weight.

ALF, I'm talking
about cold cream.

Huh, not ice cream,
cold cream.

You understand?

You're talking like
they're two different things.

They are!
Haven't you been listening?

What is this,
healing through hollering?


...what happened?

Yeah, you look terrible.

- I was in a fight.
- Oh.

Looking like that?



Nobody does this
to my little pal

and gets away with it.

Unless they're over
three feet tall.

Brian, what happened?

I was in a fight
with Bobby Duncan.

Who is Bobby Duncan?

Isn't he that smart-mouth
little punk

who lives down the street?


We have to retaliate.

You beat up his mother

you beat up his sister

and I'll eat up his cat.

We're not rumbling
with the Duncan's.

Brian, what started the fight?

Yeah, was it over some woman?

Kind of. Yeah.

Alright, Brian!

Look, it doesn't matter
what started it

I don't want you fighting.

But Bobby said you were
old, ugly, and dumb.

Well...even so.. time just ignore him.

The little brat.

Don't let it bother you, mom

all kids think adults are old.

And ugly and dumb?

He's entitled to his opinion.

So anyway, I hit him.

Except, he hit me back harder.

Over...and over.

Well, I know that you think
you were standing up for me

but you shouldn't fight.

Has he ever actually seen me?


I think I should give
Bobby's mother a call.


But he might
beat you up again.

I'd rather get beat up,
than be called a snitch.

Yeah, that's the worst.

On Melmac, some guy
called me a snitch.

Just because I turned him
in to the secret police.

Listen, when Bobby saw me,
was I in curlers at the time?

Let it go, Kate.

Alright, after this lesson

you'll never get
beat up at school again.

I'm not going to
school anymore.

Don't say that.

School's very important.

If you dropout
you wont get anywhere in life.

You'll just hang around
the house all day

eating and watching TV.

But I wanna be like you.

I don't know whether
to laugh or cry.

Let's get back
to Fist-to-Cuff school.

What do you know
about fighting?

Are you kidding?

They used to call me
Sugar Ray Shumway.

I could have been a contender
if it weren't for my glass nose.


My sunburn.


No problem.

Now, first
you must learn to focus

all your energy on one thing.

What are you focusing on?

Your candy bar.

Brian, if I am gonna
teach you how to fight

I'll need the energy
of a 1,000 empty calories.

Uh, alright here.

You learn fast, Grasshopper.

You eat fast, Sugar Ray.

Alright, now, the trick here

is to concentrate
all your energy

and let it explode

in a blinding flash
of destruction.




Well, that never worked before.

Do it again.



I guess there's only pain

when you don't break the board.

Unbelievable pain.

Hey, Brian.

You-your mother
told me what happened.

Are you okay?

Yeah, ALF's teaching
me the martial arts.

I don't want you teaching
my son to fight, ALF.

Call an ambulance.

I'm serious, ALF.

Oh, and I'm not?

I broke my hand.

Wha.. Let me see if that..

It looks fine.

Thank you, Professor X-ray.

It's fine, ALF.

It's fine.

Oh. Hey, that feels good.

Could you do my shoulders?

You know, ALF,
if you really wanna help

you'd teach him not to fight.

Well, he already knows
how to do that.

Look at his face.

Excuse me, ALF,
I know whereof I speak.

You see, when I
was about Brian's age

there was a bully
who lived on our block

who was always picking on me.



I'm still fascinated

by the oddities
of the English language.


...this bully,
his name was Clarence...

Oh-ha! Tough neighborhood.

Every day I'd try
to stand up to him

and every day he'd beat me up.

Until finally my father told me

to just turn the other cheek.

Is this the same grandfather
that talked to corn chips?

He was a wise man.

And, see, you know
what happened?

When I refused to fight

Clarence stopped bothering me.

You see, it's no fun
to pick on someone

who won't fight back.

So tomorrow,
Bobby comes up to you

if he starts teasing you..

...I want you
to just walk away, okay?


Willie, my hand still hurts.

Kiss it?

Whoa. How continental.

I love you too, mom.


Why...are...those boards

in the fireplace?

ALF said, "If you
can't break 'em, burn 'em."




...we are not
going to let you burn

perfectly good lumber.

Oh, right, one of these days

Willie's gonna build
that gazebo.

Brian, what's wrong.

Nothing. See you tomorrow.

Oh, no, not again.

- Brian.
- Hi, dad.

Bobby beat me up again.

Oh, no.

I tried to walk away,
like you said..

...but he was sitting
on me at the time.

Lynn, you get the first-aid kit.

Come on, Bri,
let me clean you up.

Alright! That's it!

I say we fight violence
with violence.

That's how we solved
things back home.

But, ALF, don't you remember
what happened to your planet?

Well, it blew up
in a nuclear holocaust. Why?

Don't you see the connection?

What connection?

I give up.

Me, too.

I'm gonna lie down,
my head is spinning.

Maybe a cold cream sundae.

Lynn, when did ALF started
eating cold cream?

Hmm, about a month ago.

You should have heard
what Bobby said.

Did he insult me again?

No. Dad.

What did he say about me?

He said you must
have been desperate

to marry someone like mom.

I'm glad to see
he's off my case.

Did he say
anything about me?

Yeah. He said you were cute.

Does he know
I'm mom's daughter?

This isn't funny.

I'm sorry, Bri,
but I'm afraid

I'm gonna have to call
Bobby's mother.

Save your dialing finger, Kate,
she's not home.

She went down
to the liquor store.

Who told you that?

Bobby's father.

Oh, by the way,
he's coming over here

to beat the stuffing
out of Willie.

What? Why?

Well, he didn't like the way
you talked to him on the phone.

ALF...I thought we agreed
that you'd stop

impersonating me on the phone.

We agreed I would stop

the cast of "Green Acres."

Although, Mr. Haney

could have sold Brian..

...some revivifying potion..

...out of the back of his truck.

ALF, what did I say,
to Bobby's father?

You were a bit rough actually.

It was so unlike you.

What did he say to me?

He said that..

...he was gonna turn your face
into silly putty.

Hey, look at the bright side

you'll be able
to reproduce the Sunday comics.

That might be Bobby's dad.

I'm outta here.

Hey, and don't worry, Willie

we won't let them
keep you alive artificially.

He-hello, you-you
must be Mr. Duncan.


So you're gonna
rip my face off, huh?

You know, I never
meant to say that.

I-I was upset about Brian

uh, please, please
accept my apology.

You beat up Bruce Lee?

Not the Bruce Lee.

Uh, I mean, not
the, uh, karate Bruce Lee.

In fact his name wasn't
actually Bruce, it was Herman.

Won't you come in?

Ah, ha ha.
I get the picture.

You're one of those weasels
who talks tough on the phone

but can't back it up.

Basically, yeah.

Oh, this must be Mrs. Weasel.

So pleased to meet you.

I donno
why I bother comin' over?

I could have just sent Bobby.

Say, look here,
I've said I was sorry.

Now, if you're not
big enough to accept...

Hey, hey, hey, is that
a crack about my height?

Because I have
beat up bigger guys

than you just to get
to a fight, Four Eyes.

Ha. Ha. Four Eyes.

Very original. Hmm.

What's happening out there?

Mr. Duncan called
dad "Four Eyes."

Four Eyes! Ha ha.

Oh, that Duncan.
What a yo-yo.


Look, we're not
looking for any trouble

we just want your son
to stop picking on Brian.

Hey, hey, Bobby told me
your son threw the first punch.

Well, that's because your son
called me old and ugly and dumb.

Ugly? Better get that
kid some glasses, huh?

No, uh..
Better make that contacts.

Right, Four Eyes?

You know,
that joke gets less funny

every time I hear it...shorty.

Mom, dad, is it time
for church yet?

Aww, are you trying to get
your daddy out of a fight?

Guess whose idea that was?

I don't need my daughter
to keep me from fighting.

No, um, you can run away
from fights on your own.

That's it.

I'd like you to leave now.

Oh, I'm scared, I'm scared.

I've heard quite enough
from you, more than enough.

- Too much!
- Is that so, sissy boy?

Yes, it is.

You obnoxious little man!

Way to go, Four Eyes! Yeah!

What have I done?

Doughnut, Willie?

Hey, no sweets
for Boom-Boom Tanner.

He's in training.

I'm not in training.

Yes, you are.

I got you a fight with
Mr. Hurlbut down the street.

Mr. Hurlbut is my friend!

Not after the way
you talked to him.

Stop calling people!

Hey, don't hit, don't hit!

It was wrong, what I did.

I feel very bad about it.

Oh, honey, don't
torture yourself.

Yeah, the bum deserved it.

He was a short,
beady-eyed loudmouth.

Unlike anyone we know.

I'm not beady-eyed.

Wonder who that could be?

Well, hard to say.
I called so many people.

Everyone wants to take
a poke at the champ.

I'm just glad Mike Tyson
lives in New York.

Actually, he's thinking
about moving out here.

Hey, that's what his
girlfriend told me.

Hi, Tanner.

Whatever I said on
the phone, I'm sorry.

What are talking about?

I just came over here
to congratulate you, Killer.

It's Boom-Boom.

Everyone is talking about

what Willie did
to that awful Mr. Duncan.

Well, how did they find out?

From me, of course.

Yeah, there's three ways
news can travel..

Telephone, telegraph,
and tell Raquel.

So what happened, Killer?
Give us a blow-by-blow. Come on.

No, no, no,
I never meant to hurt him.

Actually I was trying
to teach Brian not to fight.

Well, you really pounded
that lesson home.

I'm afraid so.

Oh, don't feel bad, Willie.
Mr. Duncan deserved it.

Do you know,
he had the nerve to complain

about Trevor burning
tires in our yard.

Like I can control the wind.

How rude of Mr. Duncan.

Well, in all fairness he wasn't
as rude as the fire marshal.

Well, let's go, Raquel.

If we overstay I reckon
Willie'll throw us out

like yesterday's garbage.

Bye, Killer.

Willie is a hero.

Just like Racky.

Nothing like Rocky.

Not Rocky. Racky.

He was our hero back on Melmac.

He was a tiny little raccoon.

Who taught us all to wash
our food before we ate it.

We've got to keep in mind
at all times

he's not from this planet.

Willie, if it'll make you
feel any better.

Maybe you should try talking
to Mr. Duncan again.


Yeah, worked like a charm
the first time.

You know, you are right, Kate.

But this time
I am not going to fight.

But I've already made you
some boxing trunks.

I just rented that tuxedo.

Sorry, I thought you owned it.

Okay, if Willie can beat
Trevor and Mr. Litwak

then we can get a bigger purse
when he fights Mrs. Byrd.

We'll only take the purse
if they throw in matching shoes.

Everything's settled?

Oh, well,
Duncan's on his way over

he wanted
to talk to me in person.

Where's Brian?

Is he gonna sing
the national anthem?

No, I, I want him to be here.

So that he can see

that I can solve these
things without fighting.

He's in his bedroom.

Good luck, dad.

Yeah. Hey, remember,
Willie, it's your title.

He has to take
it away from you.


Alright, Tanner. I'm back.

Mr. Duncan, please come in.

What is it?

I wanted you to
meet Mr. Duncan.

This is my son,
this is Brian.

This is the kid that gave
my kid the black eye?

You really gave
Bobby a black eye?


I mean I hope he's okay.

Can I get you anything?

How about a beer?

Of course.
It is almost noon.

- Nice walk.
- Oh..

That's my wife.

What's going on out there?

Mr. Duncan likes
the way I walk.

Me too! Especially when
you're carrying dinner.

I hope dad gets this over with.

That man gives me the creeps.

Lynn, how could you say that?
Willie's your father!

I was talking about Mr. Duncan.

Oh, right.

All I'm trying to do is to get
our kids to stop fighting.

Why would you wanna do that?

Fighting's good for kids.
It's exercise.

Not for the guy on the ground.

Oh, thanks, babe.

You're welcome, bub.

Anyway, where I grew up, we were
always fighting at-at home

at school, at the pet store.

At the pet store?

Hey, I like fightin'.

It's how I survived.
It made me what I am today.

I'm in the scrap metal business
and it's a tough racket.

Scrap metal?

Keep the can.

Hey, lady, is that a put-down?

I'm a scrap metal dealer,
not a garbage man.

There's a big difference.

Oh, I think you're being
overly sensitive here.

Oh, yeah?

How would you like it if
I said you were the goofiest

looking doofus I've ever met.

- Wouldn't bother me.
- Dad?

It's alright, Brian.
Those are just words.

It's alright Brian.
Those are just words.

Alright, Duncan.
I've had my say.

- Now, I'd like you to leave.
- Oh, yeah, sure.

Now that you know
what I do for a living

I'm not good enough
to be in your house.

Would you just leave?

Why don't you make me?

I would,
but I'm too civilized.

Civilized? More like
sissified, hey, doofus?

Oh, you are out of here!

Yay, mom!

Let's hear it for
Kate Boom-Boom Tanner.

Of course, you realize
what you did was wrong.

Yeah, I know.

It's true, Brian.

In spite of what you've seen and
heard here in the last two days

fighting is wrong.

And don't argue with them,
or you'll wind up in the trash.

Hey, Kate, when are you free
to mud wrestle Raquel?

In this corner

weighing in at 14 ounces

Mummy-Hamed Ali.

And in this corner
weighing in at

none of your business..

...Gordon Sugar Ray Shumway.

Round one..


Ow, low blow, low blow!

Oh, what do you mean low blow?
He hit you in the nose.

Anything below
my hairline is a low blow.

- Hi.
- Hi, honey.

Oh, guess what? Bobby's not
picking on Brian anymore.

In fact he's scared of him.

Well, that's what happens
when your parents

are He-Man and She-Ra

masters of the neighborhood.

Weren't you in
the middle of a bout?

Oh, yeah. I'm gonna wrap
this one up, mummy.

Alright. Take that!

Yeah, bet you didn't know
I could do that.

Oh, I'm not surprised.

The mummy's not the only
one with a round bottom.

Body block!