ALF (1986–1990): Season 1, Episode 8 - Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue? - full transcript

Here you go, Brian,
bring the plates.

[burps]

Nice meal, Kate.

Even though the portions
were extremely small.

Sorry, we only had
one pot roast.

Guess what? The most exciting
thing just happened.

Scott Maynard wants
to keep all of his

band equipment in our garage.

- Goodness, that is exciting.
- Who is Scott?

He's that guy
I told you about from school.

New boyfriend, huh?



- Not yet.
- Boyfriend?

You should see him,
he's gorgeous.

Better-looking than me?

Well, he's different.

He has darker hair.
And less of it.

I see.

Anyway, dad, he's got this
rock band

and they keep their instruments
and stuff in his garage

but Scott's dad's having
this garage sale tomorrow

and he said that
if Scott doesn't get

all of his stuff
out of there tonight

he'll sell it off for $5,
so is it okay?

Is what okay?
I missed most of that.

Please, dad,
he wants to come over tonight.



- Tonight?
- Yeah, tonight.

In about 15 minutes,
if dad says yes.

I thought we had a date.

You and Lynn have a date?

We're gonna redecorate my room.

I'm sorry, ALF, we'll have
to redecorate another time.

I see.

Mom, can I borrow
your pink sweater?

Your father hasn't
said yes yet.

Dad, Scott could have called
anybody in school about this

but he chose me.

I see.

Please, dad,
it's just for two days.

I suppose Scott can keep
his instruments here.

Thanks, dad.

- Mom.
- Yes.

- You can use the pink sweater.
- Thanks.

Well, guess it's just me
and my swatches.

Remember the decorating rules.

The decorating consists
of a couple of posters

maybe a coat of paint.

Boy, you would've been
a lot of fun

during the Renaissances.

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

How many more trips?

Just a couple of more.

I really appreciate this,
everybody in the band does.

Well, if you invite me
to the next G-Men's show

we'll call it even.

Oh, we're not the G-Men anymore.

Some other band had that name,
so we changed it.

[grunts]
See.

Um, wasn't there already
a band called The Doors?

You're kidding, there was?

Oh, but that's okay,
there's probably nobody alive

who still remembers them.

So, how come a cute girl like
you isn't out on Friday night?

Oh, I am...usually but..

...uh, you know,
sometimes I like to..

...stay home and,
you know, see my family.

Oh, I'm sorry I'm taking up
your time with your family...

No, no, I saw them.

- Listen, Lynn...
- ALF.

- What?
- Uh...nothing just...ALF.

Oh. Well, anyway,
I was gonna say

there's a basketball game
tomorrow night

and I was wondering
if you'd wanna go with me?

- Me?
- You don't have to say yes.

I mean,
it's kind of short notice.

No!

- What?
- No, I mean, yes.

That sounds like fun.

Great. How about 7 o'clock?

- What's wrong?
- Uh, nothing, just a locust.

Alright, here, put this up.

What are you guys doing?

Wallpapering the screens.

Wallpapering the screens
is not redecorating.

It's a matter of taste.

Take that down
and throw it away.

There you go,
take it right down

take it outside
and throw it away.

Yes, mom.

Kate, I need some advice.

Here is some advice.
Don't ever do this again.

No, no, I need some
advice about women.

Women, don't go for this
kind of thing.

I got the message.
I was wrong, kill me.

[sighs]
Okay, ALF, what is it?

I'm asking you this,
Kate, because..

...you are a beautiful woman.

I mean that.
I really do.

Well, I-I don't know if I think
of myself quite like that but..

Aah, beautiful,
and modest too.

What is it that
you wanna know?

Like, let's say
a certain friend

was attracted to
a certain beautiful woman.

Are you still writing
letters to Connie Chung?

No, it's someone
a lot closer than that.

Actually, it's someone
in this house.

Oh!

And, um, you wanna
know how to win her over.

Yeah. I mean,
let's dip into your past.

What did Willie do
to sweep you off your feet?

Let-let me see.

[chuckles]
Yeah, um..

We had been going together
four or five months

and, uh, this one day we were
talking about food or something

and, um, I mentioned that
I liked cream of mushroom soup.

So, uh, uh, the next day
I go to my car

and inside are 500 cans

of cream of mushroom soup.

So you're saying I should do
something pathetic.

It wasn't pathetic,
it was...romantic.

What would you suggest
other than soup?

Oh, I, uh, I don't know, um..

Flowers, uh, candy, uh..

How about a poem?
I mean that's personal.

I.. A-a women would love it.

And, uh it doesn't involve
wallpaper or glue.

A poem? That's perfect!

I was somewhat of a bard
on Melmac, you know?

Oh, you've written poems?

Ever hear of this one?

Jason, Jason, he's our man,
if he can't do it, nobody can.

Oh, I thought that was Keats.

I'll start now.

There once was
a young man from Venus...

ALF.

- ALF.
- What?

I thought the rule was you would
ask before you use my tools.

Sorry. May I?

- Yes, you may.
- See, you're still in charge.

[clears throat]
What do you need
the tools for anyway?

I'm tryin' to fix
Scott's piano.

He must have broken it
when he dragged it in here.

ALF, you have
to turn it on.

Oh.

Didn't you learn about
electronic music on Melmac?

Ancient history wasn't
my best subject.

What are you doing here anyway?

Well...I wrote a poem
for someone and, uh..

...I wanna put it to music.

Well, as you may,
or may not know

many people think
I am musically inclined.

Name three?

I don't think
I have to name names.

May I see the poem?

"Take a look at me
and tell me what you see

just another pretty face."

It's very amusing.

Then there's the chorus.

"I can't get
no satisfaction."

Shouldn't that be I can't
get any satisfaction?

Forget it,
that's an old draft.

Now, let's wail.

Aiming something
in the key of D.

Uh, may I suggest
the key of E flat?

It's more euphonious.

Great. We need
more euphoniousness.

[piano music]

♪ Take a look at me
and tell me what you see ♪

♪ Just another pretty face ♪♪

- That's nice, huh?
- Oh, yeah.

- Yeah, it's the lovely.
- Oh, thank you, thank you.

Feel free to use that.
I don't need any credit.

[Willie humming]

I'll call ya if I ever
audition for Hee-Haw.

[piano music]

Yeah, now we're cookin'.

[saxophone music]

- Brian in bed.
- Mmh.

He didn't even wake up
when I took off his shoes.

Mmm, so nice to have
a quiet moment.

I thought Lynn will
be home before now.

Hmm, the game might've
gone into overtime.

[telephone rings]

Oh, maybe that's her.

Hello. Oh, hello,
Mrs. Ochmonek.

Oh, what loud rock music?

'From our garage?'

I'll make sure
that he doesn't do it again.

Uh, Brian I mean, uh, I'll make
sure that he doesn't play

his, uh, his electric guitar,
right, uh

too loudly, uh..

...or his saxophone..

...or his drums.

Uh, goodnight, Mrs. Ochmonek.

Well, I have a good guess,
but you go first.

Well, when I left ALF
was writing a song

I think it might have grown.

A song?

- Oh, no.
- What?

Willie, I think that ALF
wrote that song for me.

For you?

I might as well tell you this.

ALF has a crush on me.

[laughing]

That's not the craziest thing
I've ever heard.

[laughing]
No, no. Uh, no.

I'm sorry, no.
Of course it's not. No.

[laughing]

Let's just drop it, okay?

Beside, I actually,
I know someone

who does have a crush on you,
uh, actually, it's not a crush

it's, it's quite serious.

- Oh, really?
- Mm-hmm.

- And do you know something?
- What?

Um, ALF's in the garage..

...and, uh, Lynn is gone,
Brain's asleep..

We're, uh..

...we're all alone.

I'm not sure I remember
what this is like.

Well..

M-may I remind you?

- Willie.
- Yes.

I'll wear the red pajamas.

No, a-are you sure that
ALF is in the garage?

Let's just for a moment
not think about ALF.

Let say to ourselves
there is no ALF.

There is no ALF.

Go for it, Willie.

Yeah!

- What are you doing here?
- Looking for Lynn.

She's still out with Scott.

I see.

ALF, we've had complaints
from the neighbors.

Well, I'm not surprised.

She's setting a bad example
for all the other daughters.

How's the song coming?

It's not just a song.

It's a rock video.

ALF, you made
a rock video.

Yeah, and it wasn't
easy either.

That equipment of yours is
hardly state of the art.

Willie, he made
a rock video.

Yeah, for Lynn.

You..
You made it...f-for Lynn?

Yeah.

I see.

What's the matter?

Nothing. Nothing at all.

Too much caffeine?

Will you try to show
a little sensitivity?

[instrumental music]

Say, you're not
really upset

because ALF has a crush
on Lynn, are you?

- Yes, I am.
- 'Kate..'

But it's not because
it isn't me.

I don't like the idea of ALF
having a crush on our daughter.

Well, it couldn't
possibly lead to anything.

- Could it?
- I hope not.

I'd like to be able
to show people pictures

of our grandchildren.

[sighs]
As long there's no
romantic involvement I'm okay.

Well, does that go for
you and me, right now?

Not at all.

[laughing]
Scott, you are so funny.

Singing into a parking mirror
like it was a microphone.

Yeah, I guess
it was kinda cute.

And then when you tapped
the meter and said..

[imitating Scott]
"Is this on?"

I thought I was gonna die.

Yeah, well, I've been glad
to give you mouth-to-mouth.

What a yutz.

You know, Lynn, I had a nice
time tonight, that's no joke.

Me too.

I really would like
to see you again.

- Are you free next Friday?
- No.

- Who was that?
- Uh...my dad.

Your dad? He seemed like
such a nice guy.

(ALF)
'Hey, zit face go home
and make a Clearasil sandwich.'

- Oh, well, he's a little tired.
- 'How about it sequoia neck?'

'You're gonna walk
or do I turn on the hose?'

Look, Lynn, I'd better go. I
don't wanna get this jacket wet.

No, uh, no, Scott...

He sounds like he means
business here, really.

Look, he may not even
be talking about you.

Maybe he's watching a movie,
or fighting with my mom.

He calls your mom sequoia neck?

- Well, not very often.
- 'Hit the road, Scott.'

I think he means me,
Lynn, see ya.

Oh, hi, who won the game?

ALF, how dare you
insult Scott?

What is all this
yelling about?

I was just getting
rid of a vagrant.

He made Scott leave.

If I hadn't scared the guy away,
he would've tried to kiss her.

I was hoping he would.

Well, just a small kiss.

That's the way it starts.

First a small kiss,
the next thing you know

they're picking out drapes.

What are you talking about?

I think I know.

Close your robe, Willie.

Oh.

ALF, ALF..

...I think it's time
we discussed the facts of life

as they apply to you,
and our teenage daughter.

Now, uh, in case
you don't know

girls Lynn's age
date teenage boys.

I've learned to accept that.

And I'm afraid, you're gonna
have to do the same.

Fine. See if I care
who she dates.

And you could forget
about the song.

- What song?
- I said forget it.

ALF wrote you a song,
and he made a video from it.

ALF, you wrote me a song?

- Dad, can I talk to ALF alone?
- Yeah, sure.

And in the morning,
will you please call Scott?

And tell him I didn't mean
any of those things I said.

Will you tell him
I didn't say them?

Hey, get off my case, will you?

I have not begun
to get on your case, mister.

- And if you think...
- Dad.

Get off my case.
Who does he think he is?

The robe, Willie,
the robe.

ALF, can I see the video?

No, I decided
it's for Connie Chung.

Are you sure
I can't see it?

Well, just once.

Turn on the VCR.

ALF, that's just
a picture of the garage.

That's an establishing shot.

Now pay attention.

[rock music]

♪ Take a look at me
and tell me what you see ♪

♪ Just another pretty face ♪

♪ Some clown from
out of town ♪

♪ Who came to hang around ♪

♪ And look a little
out of place ♪

♪ You say you wonder
what on Earth I'm doing here ♪

♪ I'm only here
to tell you girl ♪

♪ I may be an unknown
from the twilight zone ♪

♪ But you're the one
who's out of this world ♪

♪ You're the one who's out
of this world sweet baby ♪

♪ You're the one
who's out of this world ♪

♪ I'm spinning in an orbit
I ain't never been in ♪

♪ 'Cause you're the one
who's out of this world ♪

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

♪ You're the one who's out of
this world sweet baby ♪

♪ You're the one
who's out of this world ♪

♪ I'm spinning in an orbit
I ain't never been in ♪

♪ 'Cause you're the one
who's out of this world ♪

♪ You're the one who's
out of this world sweet baby ♪

♪ You're the one
who's out of this world ♪

♪ I'm spinning in an orbit
I ain't never been in ♪

♪ 'Cause you're the one
who's out of this ♪

♪ You're the one
who's out of this ♪

♪ You're the one
who's out of this world ♪♪

[music continues]

ALF, I don't know
what to say.

How about incredible?

I can't believe
you did this.

Nobody has ever done anything
this nice for me.

So you're going out with me
Friday instead of Scott?

One thing has nothing
to do with the other.

That's an entirely
different subject.

I see.

Don't start
I seeing me again.

I don't understand
why you're so mad at me.

Well, maybe
it's because I thought

we, uh, we were..

Falling in love?

Yeah.

I do love you, ALF.

- But not in that way.
- Then what way?

In a male-female
relationship kind of way.

Oh, I see.

- ALF..
- No, no, I really do.

I mean, I see that, uh

I'll have to understand
that we're just friends.

Good friends,
special friends.

I understand.

And how do you feel about this?

I'll get used to it.

Thank you.

So, uh, we're going out
Friday night or what?

Just kidding. Ha!

ALF, you're the one
that's out of this world.

[instrumental music]

Scan the room,
and ready, action.

[instrumental music]

♪ Saturday Saturday
Saturday Saturday ♪

♪ Saturday Saturday ♪

More emotion.

♪ Saturday Saturday ♪

♪ Saturday Saturday.. ♪♪

Okay, cut, cut,
now that's where

the smoke part's gonna go off,
okay?

Gee, I don't know,
ALF, this is..

This is just supposed to be
a little something for Kate.

Don't think little,
there are no small videos.

Just small directors.

What are you guys doing?

Nothing.

You're making a video,
aren't you?

- No.
- Yeah.

I, we are, I-I was hoping
we'd surprise your mom.

Oh, she'll love it!

Are you guys using smoke pots,
stuff like that?

Yeah, and computer animation.

- Animation?
- How about real projection?

- Dad could be water-skiing.
- Or swimming in lava.

Lava?

This is gonna be great.
Good luck, dad.

I can't wait to see it
when it's done.

Alright, come on, back to work.
And action.

Two, three, four.

♪ Saturday Satur.. ♪♪

Uh, ALF, I think
I'm just gonna stick

with the red pajamas.

I'll bring the camera.

[instrumental music]

♪ I'm spinning in an orbit
I ain't never been in ♪

♪ 'Cause you're the one
who's out of this ♪

♪ You're the one
who's out of this ♪

♪ You're the one
who's out of this world ♪

[rock music]

[instrumental music]