ALF (1986–1990): Season 1, Episode 7 - Help Me, Rhonda - full transcript

[instrumental music]

Don't forget, we're gonna
talk about my birthday.

No problem.

So, Brian,
your birthday is Thursday

how old are you gonna be?

Seven.

How old are you, ALF?

Two hundred
twenty nine in August.

Gosh! How do you
blow out 229 candles?

Ah, blowin' 'em out was easy,
lightin' 'em was trouble.

See, by the time
you're half finished



your wrist is on fire!

Ha! Oh, yeah! I kill me.

Have you decided what you want
on your birthday cake, Bri?

- Frosting! Ha!
- Oh!

Brian, your mother wants to know

what kind of decoration
you want on your cake.

Robin Hood,
Hupel and Cassidy?

- Archie and Jughead?
- Who are they?

People mom and dad
went to school with.

Perhaps, those were
outdated examples.

Hey, what about my favorite
character on the cake?

Ruth, the two-headed nurse.

- Ruth?
- The two-headed nurse?

Yeah! She was
the Venowite of Melmac.



And the Bedywite.

A gorgeous natural
and bleached blonde.

Oh, Willie, she was voluptuous.

Sultry.

She had four sexy eyes
and outstanding...

- ALF.
- Nursing skills.

Why don't we let Brian choose
his own cake decoration?

I just can't decide right now.

If he hasn't decided by
noon tomorrow, we go with Ruth.

Fine.

But right now, it's time
to talk about presents

isn't it, ALF?

Oh, yeah, yeah, presents.

Right, right, yeah.

- Give me the lead in.
- Oh, yeah.

What kind of presents
do you give on Melmac, ALF?

Well, Brian, on Melmac

we always give
very expensive presents.

How was that?

[whispering]

Oh, and lots of them, yeah.

Oh, and specially on
your seventh birthday.

Smooth, guys, very smooth.

Oh, by the way

we've decided
on the two-headed nurse.

What a surprise!

Give me five. Yeah!

- Give me four.
- Ah!

- Yeah! Ha!
- Yeah!

[theme music]

[no audio]

[music continues]

Eight hundred and fifty six.

Eight hundred and fifty seven.

'Eight hundred fifty eight.'

Eight hundred fifty nine.

Eight sixty.

Eight hundred and sixty o.. Hey!

Let me know when
you're gonna do that, will you?

Excuse me,
I-I just wanted to get

something out of the dryer.

Well, don't take the sheep.
I'm counting it.

Can't sleep, eh?

Not a wink.

Feel like chatty?

What is it, ALF?

I'm really depressed
about Brian's birthday.

Why? The two-headed nurse
is gonna be on the cake.

It reminds me of
how I'll never have

another birthday
with my friends.

Oh. ALF, you did have

a lot of birthdays
with your friends.

You're 228.

Yeah, but that last one
was a real bummer.

Oh, how come?

Well, for one thing,
the planet exploded.

But it wasn't just that.

I was finally gonna
get together with my true love.

Rhonda.

You know, I really
should turn this off

before that sheep
gets scorched.

You don't want
to hear this, do you?

Sure I do.
Tell me about Rhoda.

Rhoda?

Well, I thought she was funny
when she was on "Mary's Show"

but when she got her own series

they married her off too soon.

Weren't we talking
about your girlfriend?

Oh, Rhonda?
Yeah, what a knockout.

Our very first date
was gonna be on my birthday.

- The night your planet blew up?
- That's right.

I was brushed and curried
and ready for love.

Then word came..

"Orbit Guards
man your battle stations."

The rest is history.

Sayonara, Melmac,
and sayonara, Rhonda.

- I'm sorry, ALF.
- Thanks.

Well, goodnight, Willie.

Reminds me a little of me
and Marsha Shankin.

I said goodnight.

Alright, tell me about
you and the Martian.

Not the Martian. Marsha.

Marsha Shankin.

It was someone I knew
before I met your moth..

Kate.

I had a really serious crush
on Marsha Shankin.

By the time I got
the nerve up to ask her out..

...she moved to Toledo.

Uncanny.

My planet blew up and some girl
you knew moved to Ohio.

- Goodnight, ALF.
- Goodnight, Willie.

One, two..

...three, four..

...five..

[instrumental music]

Hey, hey, hey, Stella!

So, uh, happy birthday, Gordo.

Thanks, Skipper.

Yeah, 228.

Hey-hey, you realize that, uh,
you spent the third of your life

sittin' on your duff?

I haven't been sitting.
I've been doing research.

Yeah, right, the same kind
of research we all been doin'.

Watchin' girls.
Ha! Ha! I kill me.

[laughs]

Hey, hey, hey, Gordon,
you got a date later?

Maybe. Maybe not.

- He's got a date!
- He's got a date!

Alright. Who gets the chili cat?

Hey, over here, cutie.

- Phelonion fries, no gravy.
- Right here.

Whisker omelet,
tail on the side.

Yo!

- Happy birthday, big boy.
- Thanks.

I think she likes you, big boy.

Hey, hey, take a look
at those gams.

She's got legs
like a-like a Lunar Lander.

She's no Rhonda.

- What about Rhonda?
- Come on, who are you kiddin'?

That's who you
got a date with.

Alright, I've got
a date with Rhonda.

Why are you making
such a big deal out of this?

Hey, it's no big deal.

♪ Help me Rhonda
help help me Rhonda ♪♪

You know..

...I'm really gonna
miss you guys, if, uh..

...if anything ever happens.

- What do you mean?
- Like, if what happens?

Oh, I don't know.

Like-like, if the planet
ever exploded or something.

(man on PA)
'Attention, attention.'

'Orbit Guards,
man your battle stations.'

'Nuclear devastation
on its way.'

Oh, my gosh, I've gotta go.

Listen, if you see Rhonda,
tell her, I lo..

Don't tell her anything.

Hey, seeing he's gone,
pass me his omelet.

ALF! ALF, wake up! Wake up!

[screaming]

- What's the matter?
- Well, you were..

You were talking in your sleep.

You-you were shouting,
you were singing!

What was I singing?

I don't know, it was something
about The Beach Boys.

"Little Deuce Coupe?"

No, it was that one
with Rhonda in the title.

♪ Help me Rhonda
help help me Rhonda ♪♪

Oh, yeah. Rhonda.

Are you okay?

- I don't think so, Willie.
- Well, what's wrong?

Everything.

I wanna go home.

[instrumental music]

Just fluff 'em up.
Just a bit.

Oh!

How's the tempt, Lynn?

[sighs]
Four hundred twenty five
degrees, ALF.

Normal.

Normal's being
on your own planet, not here.

ALF, I know you miss
your friends and family.

But we're your family now

and...and we'd do
anything for you.

- Wouldn't we, mom?
- I think we are.

Any chance of
reheating this soup?

[sighs]
My pleasure.

Oh, and you might wanna run
a Dustbuster over this couch.

I seem to be shedding.

ALF, I'm not going
all the way out to the garage

to get the Dustbuster.

Be realistic, Kate.
It's not gonna come to you.

ALF...I'm gonna
tell you something now

and I want you to listen to me.

Very carefully.

Let me get the Dustbuster.

Now, I realize
that you miss Rhonda

and that you're homesick

and people that are sick

are not themselves..

[blows nose]

They say things they don't mean

they act in ways they wouldn't..

...ordinarily act.

But if you ever talk to me
like that again

I'll punch your heart out.

Fair enough.

This is K-7-2-6-X-A-A,
Los Angeles.

Is there anyone out there
from the Planet Melmac?

[radio static]

Hey! This isn't fair.

We're in there nursing
a shedding alien

and you guys are out here
having fun.

No, we are not.
We are not having fun.

We're-we're trying to contact
someone from Melmac.

Yeah, like maybe
ALF's girlfriend Rhonda.

Yeah, we thought if we could
contact another Melmacian

if ALF knew
that he weren't the last

of his species or somethin',
maybe he'd cheer up.

Let's play it again, dad.

[radio static]

♪ Help me Rhonda
help help me Rhonda ♪

Very scientific.

♪ Help me Rhonda
help help me Rhonda ♪

♪ Help me Rhonda ♪♪

How is that?

It's a little hot,
but I'm too weak to blow.

Would you mind?

Why don't we just

set it down
and let it cool off?

Good idea.

And maybe you could massage
my feet while it cools.

[clattering]

Or not.

Maybe if you got off the couch

and walked on you feet,
you might feel better.

Walk?
I could hardly blink.

I'm exhausted.

- What's going in here?
- Ohh!

[groaning]

Should I wait to do this?

Tomorrow would be better.

By then,
I'll be completely bald.

That's usually
the last stage before..

...the end.

- ALF!
- Here.

Keep this somewhere
in a safe place.

"Last will and testament?"

[coughing]

"I, Gordon Shumway.."

Shumway?

Don't blab that around
till I'm gone.

"...do hereby bequeath

all of my worldly
and cosmic goods.."

We made contact!

- We made contact!
- It's a Melmacian.

It's somebody named Skip.

Give me that.

And you never heard
the name Shumway!

(Skip on radio)
'Hey! Where'd you guys go?'

'I don't have all day.'

It's really him! It's Skip!

Skip, Skip, can you hear me?

Yeah, yeah.
Hear you loud and clear.

Who was I talking to before?

Oh, well,
that was one of the kids.

(Skip)
'Kids? You got kids now?'

No. Well, well,
they're not mine.

I mean, I'm just living
with them and their parents.

- Hi, Skip, I'm Brian.
- Hi, kid.

I'm Willy, and this is Kate.

Kate, say hi to Skip!

Hi..

...Skip.

Is everybody okay?

Have you heard from anyone else?

Well, Rick and Stella
got married.

They opened up
a tanning parlor on Mercury.

Where are you?

(Skip)
'I got to Hambetal,
and I'm headed for Andromeda.'

'Give me your coordinates.
I'll do a fly-by.'

'Pick you up tomorrow,
about sevenish.'

Oh, uh, tomorrow?
Uh, that's Brian's birthday.

Yeah, you can come
to my birthday party.

Well, sure. We'd love to
have you! Wouldn't we, dear?

Right! Mi casa su casa.

Uh, Skip, Skip!, can you
maybe make it next week?

I hate to miss
Brian's birthday, and, uh

Friday, the transvestites
are back on "Donahue."

(Skip)
Hey, I'm not runnin'
a bus service.

Do what you have to do.

But I know someone else who's
gonna be really disappointed.

Rhonda.

Rhonda? You've seen Rhonda?

Seen her? She's right here.

Hey, say something, sweetheart.

Hi, cutie.

[stammering]
Rho-Rho-Rhonda!

Yes, Gordon, it's me.

I've missed you.

[gulps]
Yikes.

Uh, what are you
doing with Skip?

Not much.

You're the only one for me.

[whining]

You-you-you mean that, Rhonda?

Cross my heart.

Forget the transvestites.
See you tomorrow!

Yeah!

Okay, there.

There we go!
What do you think, Bri?

It's the worst day of my life.

Bri, we know how much
ALF means to you.

But, honey, he wants to be
with his old friends again.

I-I'm sure that he feels
just as bad about it as you do.

♪ I got the world on a string ♪

♪ Sitting on a rainbow ♪♪

Oh, am I interrupting something?

Not really. We were just hanging
up this "Happy Birthday" sign.

Brian was about to cry.

Hey, come here, tiger.

Willie, hold this.
Come here.

Look, try to understand.

If you were living
on Melmac with me

and-and you had a chance to come
back home to your family

you'd go, wouldn't ya?

I'd never leave you, ALF.

This isn't going well.

No, it's not.

Brian, this is just something
I have to do.

And I know that even though
you don't believe this..

...some day
you're gonna understand.

Hey, Kate, I don't suppose
there's any chance of taking

Lucky with me, is there?

- No.
- Alright, alright.

Willie, you better
let him out of there.

Oh, no!

What?

Sorry, Lucky.
You would've liked Skip.

And I know
Skip would have liked you.

ALF..

...we thought you might
want some cake before you go.

Hey!

That's me on that cake.

- It's an ALF cake.
- That's what Brian wanted.

I'm speechless.

Lynn, this is
really nice of you.

Well, mom made it.

Kate, I didn't know you cared.

Well...it was a mix.

Bye, ALF.

We'll never forget you.

ALF..

ALF...this has been..

...an incredible experience.

You've enriched our lives..

...you've given us a chance
to learn from you.

Thank you, my friend.

So long, Willie.

Goodbye.

Come on, Katie.
Give us a hug.

Goodbye, ALF.

Good luck.

That's all you have to say?

It's a long trip and if you have
to use the bathroom

now would be a good time.

I don't, but thanks
for the concern.

Come on, Brian.
Give us a hug.

Oh, ALF!

Happy birthday, kid.

I love you.

Yeah. Me, too.

Well, I'm in the wind.

Ciao.

Arrivederci.

Goodbye.

And goodnight, Mrs. Ochmonek..

...wherever you are.

[sighs]

It's so strange to have
food here and not have ALF.

Hey, B..

...what do you say
we have a piece of cake?

Not until the spaceship
comes to pick up ALF.

Come on.
Come on over here, son.

He's not even gone yet
and I miss him already.

He was so funny.

Remember the time
he set the shower on fire?

I do. I was in it.

I thought it was funny
when he buried the couch.

I remember.

I was on it.

You remember the time
he was helping change the tire

he pulled the jack
away from the car?

Yeah. I remember.

I was under it.

We all have some
wonderful memories, eh?

He did keep things interesting.

You never knew what he was gonna
say next, what he'd do next

where he'd turn up.

(ALF)
Que pasa?

- ALF!
- ALF, you're back!

ALF, what are you doing here?

Uh, shouldn't you be
on the roof?

I just wanted
to give you your watch back.

It is my watch.

You know, Skip's gonna be by to
pick you up in just 30 seconds!

Well, look it. I forgot to give
Brian his birthday presents.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Here you go, kid.
Melmacian dice.

Every roll's a seven.
You're a winner.

Well, ALF, uh, that's wonderful,
but you're gonna miss your ride!

There's just 13 seconds to go!

Hey, hey, hey. Hold it.
Wait a minute.

Why is everyone trying to
give me the bum's rush here?

I still got
a couple of things I wanna say.

- Ten seconds!
- Let me finish.

Now, I know that, uh..

...I haven't always been what
you might call a model alien.

You're stalling!

Stalling?

Stalling?

- Stalling?
- Stalling!

Are you saying
I'm stalling? Huh?

You think I'd rather
stay here with you guys

than sail across the cosmos
with Skip and..

[rumbling]

[zapping]

...Rhonda?

You missed your ride.

Yeah, I guess I did.

He's staying!

ALF's staying!

You gave up Rhonda for us?

Ah, she'll only want me more
after a couple of centuries.

But aren't you gonna miss her?

Yeah.

But, uh..

...I guess what it
boils down to is..

...I'd miss you more.

You love us that much?

Yeah.

I guess I do.

We love you too, ALF.

We really do.

Let's not get maudlin.

Welcome home...ALFmeister!

[scratching]

Say, what is that
scratching noise?

What scratching noise?

It's coming from your suitcase.

What suitcase?

Lucky? You bad boy!

What are you doing in there?

I told him no suitcase,
no suitcase!

Oh!

[instrumental music]

You know, ALF, I've had
mixed feelings about you.

But I realize that you
just made a big sacrifice

to stay with us and..

...I'm really touched.

You had mixed feelings about me?

A few.

I had a few about you, too.

- 'Yeah?'
- Yeah.

I still don't feel
properly thanked

for saving you
from that shower fire.

But, uh, we'll talk
about that later.

Right now, I'm bushed.

I'd like to go over
to the couch over here

and lie down for a few days.
Maybe have some soup.

Oh, and another big slab
of that ALF-cake would be great.

Still didn't vacuum this,
did you?

Skip, Rhonda, come back!

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[ALF laughing]