ALF (1986–1990): Season 1, Episode 5 - Keepin' the Faith - full transcript

ALF is insulted that the Tanners consider him a parasite, free-loader, sponger. He tries to make money to be less of a burden on the family, but puts Willie's VISA card over the limit purchasing "Terry Faith Cosmetics" to sell at ...

Well, what it boils down to is

we've gotta take a closer look
at our bills.

Hey! What's going on in here?

We're having a family meeting.

Oh, I get it.
Freeze out the alien.

I guess I'm not part
of the family.

Uh, ALF, we thought you were
watching "The Three Stooges."

I turned it off.

Somehow I just can't buy
Shemp as a surgeon.

- Curly was a senator once.
- True.

And Moe was speaker
of the house.

Could we, uh, put an end to the
stooge talk here for a minute?


We'd like to get back
to our meeting.

Oh, yeah.
The meeting I wasn't invited to.

It's, uh, it's about
our family budget.

What'd you think
I was going to do?

Dominate the conversation?
Be a nuisance?

No, ALF, nobody ever suggest...

Throw up a lot of
pointless suggestions?

- Interrupt everybody?
- Ah, we never said...

Never let anyone get a word
in edgewise...

You can come to the meeting.

No, thanks.

Let's just take a look at
our electric bill for example

it's three times
what it used to be.

Maybe it's the porch light you
leave on every time I go out.

Porch light stays.

And we've been keeping
the thermostat down to 70.

And I turn off the dryer
as soon as I wake up.

Well, we're just going..
The, the dryer?

What do you mean
turn off the dryer?

Why, why would you
even turn it on?

To keep me company at night.

Why? Is eight hours too long?


What if I just leave it
on delicates?

Leave it off.

Now, let's get back to
the rest of our money problems.

No chance of your getting
a better job I suppose.

I like my job.
The money's fine.

Who made this call to Munich?
Munich, Germany?

That has to be a mistake.

No, it's not.

You called Munich. Why?

Remember the vacuum cleaner
I broke?


Well, the repair place said they
couldn't get the chicken salad

out of the impeller blade

and they had to send it
to Germany for an overhaul.

That doesn't explain
why you'd call Germany.

Hey, I believe in following
things through.

Let's move on to
another problem.

- Food.
- I'm gonna go get some cookies.

I don't think that all of us
are aware how much food costs.

We're all out of macaroons.
All we got are chocolate chips.

Let alone how much food is being
consumed for that matter.

Is something wrong?

You're eating all our food.

All the food?

Except the stuff
that lands on the floor.

Okay, I'm beginning to realize
what this is all about.

You all think I'm a parasite.

No one thinks you're a parasite.

Alright. A freeloader?

Freeloader is closer.

What about a sponger?

Where did you ever
hear that word?

That's what you called him
last week.

Oh, I see.

Let's just settle on parasite
and move on.

Fine. If you want me,
I'll be in my room.

Not wasting money.

♪ I just checked into
the Parasite Hotel ♪

♪ They ain't got a porter
or a bell ♪

♪ I checked in
to that Parasite Hotel ♪♪

- ALF!
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Was I playing too loud?

I didn't know
you could play the piano.

Well, I was winging it.

It's tough to play
without the red keys.

You seem kinda down.

Maybe I'm being overly sensitive
about being called a freeloader

sponger and parasite.

Oh, ALF, we didn't mean to call
you any of those things.

You, you just happened
to catch us in a moment of..


It's just a matter of making
a few adjustments. You know we...

No need to lay it out, Kateski.
I hear you loud and clear.

I've gotta get a job.

- A job?
- That's right.

It's nose to the grindstone time
for this parasite.

But, um, what could you even do?

Well, on Melmac,
I owned and operated

my own phlegm dealership.

Phlegm dealership?

Ever tried one?
The phlegm turbo was a classic.

Must be some other options.

Well, there was a sunroof

but, uh, it was best
to keep it closed.

Now, you don't need
to get a job.

Listen, if you really wanna

we'll give you a few chores
to do around the house.

How would that be?

You mean fluffing up pillows?
Stuff like that?

Well, no, but you could, uh,
help fold laundry

load the dishwasher.

No. No, not that.
We'll think of something.

Don't worry about it.

Chores, fine for the beaver

but not exactly
tycoon territory.

Ah, I've gotta find a way
to earn money now.

But how?

"Looking for a way
to earn money now?

Call this toll-free number."

Opportunity knocks.

Well, hello!
Yeah, uh, when do I start?

Huh? Oh, oh, ALF.
My name is ALF.

Have I earned any money yet?

What do you mean
I have to sell something first?

Alright, fine. Send it here
and I'll sell it.

Uh, 167 Hemdale.

It's a beige house.
You can't miss it.

Yeah, great.
Oh, oh, wait a minute.

Before I forget.
One more question.

What am I gonna be selling?

ALF, this package is for you.

Oh, it's here. Yeah.

What's here? What is it?

Can I open it?

Hey, hey, hey, come on.

Let's not get impatient,
shall we?

Tastefully packaged?
Well, I guess so.

ALF, these are cosmetics.

That's right, cosmetics.

This must be
the earlobe freshener.

ALF, what are you doing
with cosmetics?

Huh? Oh, didn't I tell you?
I got a job.

I'm a Terry Faith girl.

I thought you were an alien.

Why can't I have
the best of both worlds?

But, ALF, how can you sell
Terry Faith cosmetics?

Lynn, honey, I know exactly
what you're gonna say.

I can't do
the public number, right?

Ha! Well, just send
that worry packing.

I make it all happen
over the phone.

But don't you have to know
something about makeup

before you can sell it?

That's the great thing
about this company.

They welcome ignorance.

Have you ever had
a Terry Faith facial?

Can't say that I have.

You don't know anything
about this stuff.

Honey, honey,
that's why we have this book.

"The Wonderful World Of
Terry Faith Cosmetics."

Let's check it out here.
Here we go.

"Terry Faith was born
outside of Dayton, Ohio

at a bend in the road
near the turn of the century."

What does it says about
how to give a facial?

Don't you wanna hear about
the early years?

- I do.
- I don't.

- Let's skip to the facial part.
- Alright, okay.

Here we go.

"Chapter I, the facial part."

Here, hold this.

Let's see here.

This must be the stuff.

Come on, Lynn, get down here.
Let's give it a shot.

It says apply liberally
to customer's face and neck.

What do you think?

- Just a little bit.
- Yeah, yeah, okay.


Yeah, here it's going on
real smooth.

- Just, just a little bit.
- It says apply liberally.

Okay. Okay, apply liberally.

Alright, that's what I'm doing.

- Alright.
- Alright.

Here we go. I'm applying it.

- Okay
- Good. Okay. Good.

Now, uh, now for cheek color

I think Terry suggests
something like, uh

Evening Lobster.

- Can I see a mirror?
- Not yet, not yet.

Now, I want you to suck in those
cheeks real tight. Like this.

Superb. Let's do this.

Here we go.
Oh, oh, yeah. Yeah.

Here, uh, missed a spot
right there.

- Great. Oh.
- Okay. Now can I see a mirror?

I don't think you want to.

My work speaks for itself.

Come on. Let me have it.

I'm gonna go wash my face.

You didn't let it harden.

Before it hardens.

Brian, I'm in business.
My freeloader days are numbered.

- What about your parasite days?
- Hey, come on now.

Just help me pack this stuff up
and carry it to my room.

Hello. Just a minute.

ALF, it's for you.
Someone named Ginger.

Oh, great. Great. Thanks.

Hello, Ging. Darling!

Oh, I just got the package.

It's divine.

Yeah, the lipsticks?

I didn't know there were
so many luscious colors.

Yeah. Oh, that tangerine tango
is exquisite.

What? Couple of extra cases?

Oh, yeah, no problem.
Mm-hmm, yeah.

Yeah, send 'em over.
I'll move 'em.

Yeah, just put it on my account.

Yeah, okay. Thank you. Ciao.

Alright, Brian,
I'm checking out.

♪ Of the Parasite Hotel ♪

♪ Gonna move that mousse
and styling gel ♪♪

It's too quiet.

- For reading?
- For the house.

Where is ALF?

Oh, I don't know.
He could be resting.

He could be reading.

He could be carrying our towels
through the den.

- Excuse me, ALF.
- Yo.

Why are you carrying our towels
through the den?

Aren't we
a curious George tonight?


We'd like an answer
to that question.

It's for you.
Someone named Ginger.

Oh, ho..
Here, hold this, hold this.



Hiya, Ging.
Yeah, what's cookin'?

Yeah, uh-huh, oh..

How's Oscar's hernia?

Oh, good, that's good news.

Oh, Ging, I couldn't agree more.

Yeah, those hunting sashes
are going to be very hot.

Yeah, yeah,
send me a ton of those.

A hunting sashes?

Newcomer of the month? Moi?

Ha! Well, I don't know
what to say.

I'm floored. I'm agog.

I'm absolutely silly.

'Yeah, okay, look,
gotta run, hun.'

Love to Bridget and Peg.

- Yeah.
- Alright, alright.

Let's just start
at the beginning.

Who's Ginger?

And why are you talking to her
about hunting sashes

and if you'll pardon
my ignorance

what are hunting sashes?

I was gonna tell you anyway.

I have a job.

- A what?
- A job.

I'm in the rouge-slinging game.


That's a trade lingo
for beauty rep.

- What?
- I'm selling cosmetics.

ALF, I thought we decided
against your getting a job.

This isn't a job.

It's a glittering,
fast pace career.

If I play my cards right,
I can bring home twice

what the civil servant
here does.

The civil servant doesn't
need you to sell cosmetics.

The civil servant is doing
just fine. Thank you very much.

Mom, where are all the tow..

Oh, the towels are in here.

ALF, ALF was just about
to tell us why.

Well, maybe he needed
some storage space.

Oh, you can drop the cover,

I've blown the lid off
of the Operation Makeup.

Lynn, you mean you knew about
this and didn't tell us?

Well, ALF asked me
not to say anything

until he made enough money to
bail out the civil servant.

Yeah, I mean, I finally
feel like a productive

member of society.

I'm pulling my weight, Willie.

By selling cosmetics?

Yeah, dad. He's really
excited about working.

Let's give him a chance.

Yeah, yeah. Wait till you
check out these goods.

I'll be right back.

You know, Willie.

Honey, it's kind of nice
that he wants to help us out.

Well, I guess we should be
supportive...for a while.

And then, if he does manage
to show a profit

not that we need it.

Alright, here we go.

Sit down, Katydid.

Let's try to reverse
the ravages of time.


Hey, come on,
don't fight it, Kate.

It happens to everyone, alright?

Willie, do I look old?

Why are you
even listening to him?

He is a beauty consultant.

- Kate, honey.
- 'Mm-hmm.'

- Listen to me, alright?
- 'Yeah.'

And I mean this.

It's not that you look old

it's, it's just that a woman
of such radiant beauty

should let her, her
lasting loveliness bloom

with the passage of time.

- Oh, brother.
- No, let him talk.

We're all gonna be supportive,

Alright, uh, ALF, maybe,
maybe I'll buy something.

Um, what do you recommend?

Well, uh, I say that, uh..

...our sub-reflective
chin buffing paste is a must.

- Really? How much is that?
- Fifty dollars.

Or twenty.

How much you got?

- Five.
- Sold.

You got a real flair for the
business end of the thing too.

Hey, I didn't get voted Newcomer
Of The Month for nothing.

How could you be voted
Newcomer Of The Month

when you haven't sold
anything yet?

Ha! It's not how much you sell,
it's how much you buy.

Well...exactly how much
did you buy?

I'll have to check
my day planner.

- William Tanner?
- Yes.

I've got a delivery here for you
from the Terry Faith company.

Hold it! Wait. Just a minute.
I'm not signing anything.

No signature's necessary. This
was all paid for over the phone.

I'll be back with the rest
when I get a bigger truck.

Keep the faith.

Four thousand dollars.

Yup, that matches my total.

ALF, how were you able to
purchase $4000 worth of makeup?

Plastic. I put it on your visa.

Oh, incidentally,
you're over your limit.

You used my credit card
to buy $4000 worth of makeup?

Hey, what choice did I have?

Banks don't give a line of
credit to people with one name.

Except Madonna.

I don't believe this.

Come on, you'll get it all back.

The markup on this stuff
is outrageous.

Here, look, you're already
five bucks ahead.

ALF! ALF, ALF, what do you do
when the stuff turns green?

Well, let's see here.

Dayton, Dayton..
Her first marriage, puffy eyes.

"Return to Dayton."
Oh, here we go.

"When things turn green."

What, you're gonna leave
the kid looking like that?

Lynn, go help your brother
take his makeup off.

Okay. Come on.

You have abused the trust
of this family far too long.

You're grounded!

Oh! No phone, no television,
no nothing!

Not until we get this
makeup mess straightened out.

My career really threatens you,
doesn't it, Willie?

Yes, financially.

Life's funny.

You try and help someone out
and boom

they turn on you
like a wild animal!

If that's a load
of your deliveryman...

No, that's probably the girls.

- The girls?
- I'm sorry. The women.

- What women?
- The customers.

The ones coming
to the Terry Faith party.

That's what the towels were for.

It is, it's women.

You are not to entertain
customers in this house.

Of course, I'm not.
You are.

What do you mean we are?

I was trying to explain it
to you.

See, your role in
a Terry Faith's sales family

is to play host and hostess
to my customers.

I-i-if that means selling
your makeup, forget it!

Willie, Willie,
these products sell themselves.

You don't have to do a thing.

Except entertain
a houseful of strangers.

They'll be wearing name tags.

Oh, and by the way,
don't take any personal checks.


Don't worry, don't worry.

I'm gonna put an end to this
right now.

- Ladies...
- Oh, hi.

- Oh, what a beautiful house.
- Hi, hi. No, I'm not ALF.

Oh, then you must be
his assistant, Willie.

- Where's ALF?
- ALF is at a, uh...

- The director's meeting.
- Ooh.

Yes, right. Uh, ladies, if I may
have your attention, please.

About these products...

Willie, hun,
you don't have to sell us

the products sell themselves.

- I'll have an espresso.
- Oh, gee, that sounds good.

Could you sprinkle a little
cinnamon on mine

and don't bother
to heat the strudel.

Espresso and strudel.

Uh, listen, ladies,
I don't know what ALF told you

about these cosmetics...

Oh, never mind, here they are.

Is it okay if we open these..

No, no.
That's not a good idea. No, no.

- Oh, is that espresso coming?
- And strudel?

Uh, I'll see.

Oh, Willie, did the muffin-free
eye solvent finally come in?


Tell the girls to hang on.
The food is on its way.


What am I doing? We don't even
have an espresso machine.

Too bad. It's kinda standard
at these parties.

Look, let them start on these.
I'll make some instant.

You're not making anything.
The party is over.

Willie is not doing
his card tricks again, is he?

Yeah, that's..

- Hi.
- Oh, come in.

Look, what...wait till you see.
They've got all the shades.

- 'Wait..'
- Oh, that's wonderful.

Oh, Willie,
I don't wanna ruin my manicure.

Would you rub this in for me?

- Oh...where?
- Wherever I need it.

- Willie..
- Oh, hi, Kate.

- Uh, can we change a $100 bill?
- A $100?

Oh, Willie,
never mind the change.

I'll take this
and the guacamole skin toner

and we'll call it even.

Guacamole skin toner.
I've gotta have some of that.

Oh, did someone say guacamole?

- Willie, what's going on?
- I don't know.

But, uh,
I think we sold something.

Willie, will you take
personal checks?

Oh, I don't know.
Uh, should we?

'Get some ID.'

Get some ID.

Willie, I think I bought enough
to qualify for the luggage.

What luggage?

Well, ALF told me
I get my choice

of either soft sided
or mock Naugahyde

and I'd like to see them
before I make my choice.

I don't know
what you're talking about, lady.

ALF said you'll try
to talk me out of it.

Myrna, uh, forget the luggage.

Just buy another $200 worth
and take the trip to Dayton.

You'll love the museum.
It's marvelous.

Great idea.

Willie, honey, do you think
we're doing the right thing?

I don't know.
We've got no choice.

We're in this up to our necks.

Oh, that reminds me.

Willie dear, where is that
neck tightener I ordered?

Coming, bunny.

I'll be right back, dear.

Cheez Whiz?

Hey, Tanner,
the rest of your stuff is here.

Should I back the truck up to
the door or what?

Well, all the figures are in.

- How much did we make?
- Not so fast.

I need a drumroll.

Just tell us.

I'm not telling you
until I get a drumroll.

Give me that.


Now, we did pretty well.

Pretty well? We made it all back
plus a small profit.

Oh, boy, can we get
an air-hockey table?

No, I think
we'll just use this money

to pay for that phone call
to Munich.

You know, if we have few more
of these parties...

No, no more parties.
No more makeup.

No more Terry Faith.

Well, I want you all to know

how much I appreciate
your giving me the chance.

You came through for me,
and it all worked out

and now,
I've got something for you.

Lynn, tell them
what they've won.

You have just won a beautiful
set of mock Naugahyde luggage.

ALF, that is really,
really sweet.

It looks just like
real Naugahyde.

And that's only
the beginning, folks.

Because next week,
we'll be packing those bags

and leaving
for beautiful Dayton

'where we'll be spending
three days and two nights'

at the beautiful
Terryland Hotel.

You'll be dancing and dining in
the beautiful eye shadow lounge

and visiting
the Terry Faith museum

where Terry herself
is on display

gorgeously preserved in the
revolving crystal casket.

"To preserve the dignity
of this monument

there will be no
flash photography."