ALF (1986–1990): Season 1, Episode 4 - Pennsylvania 6-5000 - full transcript

[instrumental music]

(man on TV)
'Okay, we're back. We're ready
to open the phone lines.'

'Today's topic,
nuclear arms limitations.'

'Our guests,
Undersecretary Simon Dryden'

'and Sammy Davis Jr..'

'Hi, you're on the air.'

Hello, Larry. ALF.

(Larry)
'Yes, ALF, we haven't heard
from you in a day or two now.'

- 'How are you?'
- Fine, Lar.

- How's the sore knee?
- 'Comin' along.'

Sammy, shalom.



(Larry)
'So, what's up?'

Well, I've got the solution
to this nuclear bomb thing.

- 'Great. Let's hear it.'
- Get rid of 'em.

They're dangerous!

(Larry)
'Okay. Uh, Mr. Dryden,
would you like to respond?'

(Dryden)
'Uh, well, I-I think
what you've done, Mr. ALF'

'is oversimplified
the problem somewhat.'

Here it comes, Brian.
Better go get the shovel.

[indistinct chatter on phone]

Mom, ALF is on the phone again.

I know he is, but it keeps him
out of the kitchen.

- Where is your father?
- I don't know.

Mom, I need to use the phone.

In a minute, dear.



ALF, would-would you
turn that down?

Sorry, Larry. Just some static.

[door opens]

Honey, hi, where have you been?

Hi, Kate.
I'm sorry I'm so late.

Daddy, I have got to get
my own phone.

Oh, fine, thank you. And you?

Hi, uh, B and A.

W!

- Well, why didn't you call?
- I'm sorry.

I tried to call, but somebody's
been on the phone!

Hey, cut me a break!

I'm trying to save your planet

from nuclear devastation,
alright?

Oh? Well, then, go right ahead.

Nothing, Lar,
just a domestic spat.

Daddy, this is totally unfair.

Alright, we'll look
into call-waiting.

- Okay?
- Call-waiting won't help.

I need my own phone line.

Kathy McDermott
has her own phone line

and her family
doesn't even have an alien.

Would they like one?

Willie, she's right. We have
to talk to ALF about the phone.

Right. Uh, ALF..

Yeah, yeah, but what do you do

when your sister
glows in the dark?

Oh, sorry. I didn't know that.

Brian, sit on the couch
and finish your homework.

I'm gonna order
some Chinese food.

Listen, we've gotta talk
about this phone thing.

Sorry, Dryden, no offense, but,
but we're getting nowhere here.

Yeah, I may have to go
over your head. Who's your boss?

The president of what?
All 50 of 'em?

ALF, would you please...

Well, where is he?

Well, don't they have a phone
on the president's plane?

Yeah, yeah, right.
Well, why don't..

Why don't you just give me
that number? Yeah, go ahead.

What? What do you mean?

Well, fine! Be that way!
I'll look it up!

Alright, listen to me,
and listen carefully.

The use of the phone
is a privilege around here

not an inalienable right.

And I mean just that.

Now, if you don't start
showing some consideration

for the rest of us,
that privilege

will be revoked. Is that clear?

I can't concentrate here
with all this noise!

Listen, Brain, when your dad's
through yellin' at ya

come on out with me
to the garage, alright?

Alright.

ALF, I'm talking to you!

Not now, Willie, not now.
I'm on a mission.

Call me when dinner's ready.

Dad, why are you so mad at ALF?

When you grow up
and have an alien of your own

you'll understand.

[theme music]

[inaudible]

[music continues]

♪ Well meet George Jetson ♪

♪ Pana-bum-pum
thana-thana-thana.. ♪

[scatting]

♪ His daughter Judy ♪

♪ Pam-pam-param ♪

[scatting]

♪ His boy uh his boy uh.. ♪♪

Hey, Willie, quick.
What's the Jetson kid's name?

- Leroy?
- Elroy.

That's it.

Uh, listen, ALF,
uh, the food came.

I thought
maybe we could eat out here

uh, ha-have a little chat.

I'd like that.

What happened here?

(Willie)
'That's twice-cooked pork.'

Looks like twice-eaten pork.

Alright, ALF, listen

uh, I'm not sure
I had your full attention...

Hey, I hate to interrupt you

but can you hand me
a screwdriver?

- Yeah, sure.
- Phillips!

- Okay. Uh, there you go.
- Thanks.

You know, ALF,
we've all gotta do our part

to get along here,
you see, a family is like...

- Pliers.
- Yes.

Or a crescent wrench.

Each one adjusts to each
little situation as need be...

- Hand me the pliers!
- Oh, yeah, sure.

Alright, listen.
Here's what I'm trying to say.

- Go for it.
- Uh..

It's a question of respect

and cooperation, of course,
and courtesy.

The three Cs. Cooperation,
courtesy and respect.

Well, uh, two Cs and an R.
But you-you see what I mean.

- Huh?
- Absolutely, look.

Would you hold this wire
while I turn on the juice?

- Sure. You know..
- Right there.

That's my short-wave radio!

Do you know how long I..

Lo-o-ong..

It took me ten years

to put that thing together.

I'm glad to see
you haven't wasted your life.

First the phone
and now the radio.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
What about the phone?

You're on it all the time.

Hey! Operators are standing by!

- I've got calls to make.
- It's got to stop.

Fine.
First I can't use the radio.

Now I can't use the phone.

What next? The curling iron?

- Your toothbrush?
- You use my toothbrush?

Yours is the green one, right?

It was.

Alright, what's the big deal?
I'll use Kate's.

No, you're not using
anybody's toothbrush.

Okay. No toothbrush.
What about the radio?

Alright, just don't
put it in your mouth.

Thanks,
I'll be through in a minute

as soon as I contact
Air Force One.

- The president's plane?
- 'Mm-hmm.'

No. No, you can't do that.

Willie, it's my duty.

I mean, I mean,
I've been through

one nuclear disaster already.

It's no picnic.

Nuclear? The..

You mean, that's how
your planet exploded?

No, we all plugged our
hair dryers in at the same time.

Listen, ALF,
even if you could figure out

how to call the president,
you'd never get through

because that signal's scrambled.

- So?
- So..

It's illegal
to break a scrambled signal.

And it's immoral!

What about you and "Tootsie?"

I beg your pardon?

Well, last week
we all watched "Tootsie" on HBO.

Isn't HBO scrambled?

- Well, yes, but...
- But what?

Seeing that
you don't pay for HBO

isn't what you're doing
illegal, immoral?

Absolutely not.

They gave us
a two-week free trial

and they forgot to unhook it.

Just, uh, put the radio
back together when..

No problem.

[sighs]
Are you gonna eat this food?

No, but leave it.

I'd like to see what it does

when it wakes up.

♪ George Jetson pam-pam-param ♪

♪ His boy Elroy ♪♪

[scatting]

[instrumental music]

[keyboard keys clicking]

[buzzing]

Air Force One.
Hogarth speaking.

How may I help you,
sir or madam

as the case may be?

ALF? ALF who?

- Mr. Defoe...
- Not now, Hogarth. I'm winning.

Yes, sir, but perhaps
you should take this call.

- What does she want now?
- It's not your wife, sir.

It's someone
calling himself ALF.

And he wants to talk
to the president.

What? How did he get the code?

I don't know.
Maybe from your wife.

That's a joke, sir.

Not funny, Hogarth.

Apparently not, sir.

Do you wanna talk to ALF?

- ALF who?
- I don't know, sir.

All he said was ALF. A-L-F.

A-L-F.

Maybe it stands
for some radical, subversive

commie, pinko group.

Could be a family name.

- Just look it up.
- Looking, sir.

And get me an immediate trace
on this call.

- Tracing, sir.
- And punch up the speaker.

- You should listen to this.
- Punching and listening, sir.

Hello? Can I help you?

It's about time.
Is that you, Mr. President?

No, this is Mr. Defoe.
The president's not available.

(ALF)
'It's an airplane.
How far can he be?'

He's indisposed.

What does that mean?

He can't come to the phone now.

- Why not?
- He's busy.

(ALF)
'Doing what?'

He's in the bathroom.

Oh, he's indisposed.

- What do you want?
- 'Well..'

'Tell him it's about the bombs.'

[dramatic music]

Bombs, sir?
What bombs would those be?

(ALF)
'The bombs
we're thinking about using.'

'Listen, tell the president
I'm serious'

'and time is running out.'

'I'd like to settle this before
anybody pushes any buttons.'

- Hogarth!
- Yes, sir.

What have we got on the A-L-F?

Well, so far we've got

the American Laundry Federation

and the Association
of Lawn Fertilizer.

Shall we round them up?

The tracing's complete, sir.

Mister, about those bombs

shall I interpret this
to be a threat?

(ALF)
'Of course, it's a threat.
What kind of question is that?'

That's all I wanted to hear.

Get me the FBI.

[instrumental music]

Okay, I think I solved it.

Everybody,
give me your attention.

What are, what are we watching?

- "Tootsie."
- Oh, no.

Let's not watch that.

Let's not watch anything.

I wanna show you my chart.

- Yo, Willie!
- Yeah! What?

Quick question.
What does FBI stand for?

Federal Bureau of Investigation.
Why?

Just curious.

Well, uh, what do you think?

It's very nice, dear.

This shows our whole family,
aliens inclusive

and when each of us
can use the phone.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry, but Brian
can't stay up till 11 o'clock.

Oh, no, that's a mistake.

Uh, we'll switch that
with Lynn's time

to call her boyfriend.

Daddy, Lash can't stay up
until 11 o'clock.

[doorbell ringing]

Who am I going to call
at 4 a.m.?

I know, it's not perfect,
but it's a start.

Howdy.
Sorry to bother you like this.

But I was wondering
if Willie Tanner might be in.

- Oh, speaking.
- Oh, excellent.

- FBI.
- You have the right..

- To remain silent.
- What?

- Daddy!
- What are you doing?

- Kate!
- Mommy, make them stop.

Please. Please, leave him alone.

We'll just be a minute, ma'am.
Let's go, pal.

- And we'll take this, too.
- No, not my chart!

- Sorry for the trouble, ma'am.
- Why are you doing this?

It's the law, ma'am.

This is what happens
when someone threatens

national security.

Nice meeting you.

(Willie)
'Oh, hello, Mrs. Ochmonek.'

Mom, what did he do?

I don't know.

Hey, what's going on?

Daddy's been arrested.

Boy, those HBO guys
mean business.

[instrumental music]

I can't believe ALF
actually used your short wave

to call the president!

Shh, shh!

I don't know what happened, all
I know is somebody used my radio

and now I'm a criminal,
and they're going to hang me.

Willie, I don't think
they hang people anymore.

But they think I'm a threat
to national security.

A terrorist, Kate.

I'm not a terrorist.

Honey, I know that.

They fingerprinted me.

It washes right off.

I'm not going to prison.

I saw "Midnight Express."
You remember?

- They made him eat bugs.
- That was "Papillon."

In "Midnight Express"
they broke his feet.

I stand corrected.

How about "Stir Crazy?"
That wasn't so bad.

That was a comedy.

Willie, stop.

It's obvious
you have to tell the truth.

Of-of course, the truth.

I'll just,
I'll explain it to them.

An alien took control
of my radio.

"Uh, why would he do that?"
they'll ask.

And I'll say, "Because I
wouldn't let him use the phone."

Maybe, we can clear
this whole thing up

without having
to tell the truth.

The truth is,
I never should have let ALF

anywhere near my short wave!

Okay, okay, maybe it was wrong
of ALF to call the president.

Maybe?

Alright..

Okay, it was wrong.

But, you know, you have
to respect him for the way

he feels about nuclear war.

I think it's commendable
that he's willing

to send me to jail
for his beliefs.

At least he cares about
something other than food.

Great. Now he cares about
nuclear war and food.

Sorry, ma'am, I need a moment
alone with the alleged traitor.

Willie, I'll be right back.

I'm gonna see what's taking
that lawyer so long.

You wait here.

Right. Sorry.

Good afternoon, ALF.

I need to talk with you
about this.

Just who are all these people

and why are they on the phone
all the time?

[dramatic music]

Watch, this is my favorite part.

Why is dad on TV again?

He's not. I taped it.

- You taped my dad's arrest?
- Yeah.

Thought he might like
to catch it

when he gets out of the slammer

see what he looked like
when he was young.

ALF, I mean it.

Sometimes
I don't understand you at all.

- Tell her, Brian.
- He's an alien.

Okay, but besides that.

Don't you get
what's happened here?

My dad got arrested
because of you.

Don't you even care?

Of course I care.
I feel terrible.

He's my Willie. My goombah.

It just doesn't seem like it
sometimes.

Hey, I haven't forgotten
about him.

In fact, I'm working
on something right now.

Alright, now look,
the FBI's got him.

- Right?
- Right.

And-and-and who gives the orders
to the FBI?

- The president, right?
- Right.

No problem.

The big guy and I
are, are like that.

Come on, Brian.

Let's go spring daddy.

[instrumental music]

May I suggest playing that
black seven off the red eight?

May I suggest
you answer the phone, Hogarth?

Yes, sir.

Air Force One. How may
I help you, sir or madam?

Oh, hello, ALF.

- Mr. Defoe, it's him!
- Him who, Hogarth?

It's ALF, sir!

[chuckles]
That's not possible. We got him.

Unless
there's a whole nest of them.

- Hogarth.
- Yes, sir. A-L-F.

I have
the Alabama Lunatic Fringe..

Will you see if Willie Tanner's
still in jail?

Yes, sir.

You might try that four of
spades on the five of diamonds...

Just place the call.
And trace this one.

Placing and tracing, sir.

Defoe here.

Yo, Defoe, remember me?

How about putting the chief on?

Uh, I'm sorry, he's indisposed.

You mean
he's in the bathroom again.

That's classified.
What do you want now?

Listen, no offense,
but, uh, last time we talked

things got all messed up.
I'll call back when he's out.

No! Uh, no.
I'll-I'll see what I can do.

[clicks]

Hello, sir?

I'm sorry to bother you in there

but we have
this little situation.

I-I wonder if you could talk
to someone

while we trace his call?

Yes, sir, on the phone.

Thank you, sir. Line 2.

Line 2, sir.

One more.

Count from the left.

There you go.

(president on radio)
'Uh, hello?'

Listen, I know you're a busy guy

so I'll make this brief.

Willie Tanner's in jail.

And I think it's my fault.

- 'Oh, really?'
- Yeah, he's innocent.

He didn't call you, I did.

(president)
'Oh, goodness, it-it sounds
pretty complicated.'

Yeah,
but it shouldn't have been.

You see, all I wanted to do

was talk to you
about your bombs.

'Oh, now look,
you're not gonna bring up'

'the "Bonzo" films again.'

'I was under contract.'

'I had no choice.'

No, no, no, not those bombs.
The nuclear ones.

We've only got one planet.

So why don't you and the Russki

ease up a little, will ya?

'I'm, uh, I'm sure we'll do'

'everything we can.'

Hope I haven't oversimplified
the problem.

'Oh, hold on. They did?
Goody. Thank you.'

'Uh, Mr. ALF, we're sending
someone around right now'

'to follow up on this thing.
You just sit tight, okay?'

You, too. Loved Patty's book.

Perfect. They're on their way.

Perfect? They're not
coming here to help.

They're coming here to arrest
us, like they arrested daddy!

Brian, Brian, get a grip!

You think your old buddy ALF

would get his family
in hot water

if he didn't have
a foolproof backup plan?

- Sure.
- Of course, he would.

But this time I have a plan.

FBI! Freeze!

Wait a minute. Who are you?

Me? I'm ALF. ALF Tanner.

You're ALF?

- How old are you?
- Six.

- But I'm going on seven.
- I thought I heard someone.

Oh, good afternoon, ma'am.
Good to see you again.

Doing something different
with your hair?

What are you doing here?

- Brian, what's going on here?
- Brian?

- I thought his name was ALF.
- ALF?

What do you mean
his name is ALF?

[Brian clears throat]

Oh, ALF!

Yes, yes, of course, it is.

Uh, I mean, uh,
his real name is-is Brian

but we call him ALF, for short.

Kind of a pet name.

Ma'am, were you aware that ALF

was using this radio equipment?

Well, no, I was not aware.

But, yes,
I am becoming aware of it now.

Brian, what did we say

about calling the president?

- I don't know.
- We said..

Not until after your homework.

Oh, right.

Surely you don't think an
innocent little child like this

could be a threat
to national security?

Well, ma'am, uh..

Would you excuse us
for a minute, please?

[clears throat]

What do you think?

About what?

About what she just said,
could national security

be threatened by a six-year-old?

Oh, he's going on seven.

Still, the president
would not want us

to arrest a little kid.
It'd embarrass everybody.

- Then we shouldn't do it.
- Hm.

Excuse me.
Are you arresting my son?

Um, not at this
point of time, ma'am.

[sighs]
Thank goodness!

What about releasing my husband?

Well, I'm afraid
we're gonna have to call

the president on that one.

I'll call him for you.

- ALF?
- No problem.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

(Kate)
Here we go.

- Reach in there.
- Let's see.

- Oh..
- Ah!

A Presidential Commendation!

Isn't that wonderful?

"To Brian ALF Tanner

"for exposing gaps
in national security

"and for his concern
about world peace

which is something
that I'm in favor of myself."

Alright, Brian, way to go!

"I'm reminded
of my humble beginnings

"when I built a crystal set
in the basement

"of my parents' home in Illinois

or Iowa."

Hey, can you hold it down?

- My show's coming on.
- What's the matter with you?

Oh, nothing, it's not like
I had something to do

with that plaque myself.

Oh. Oh, I'm so sorry.

I feel terrible.

Didn't I thank you?

Did I not say thanks

for subjecting me
to public humiliation?

For almost costing me my job?

For landing me in jail,
for subjecting me...

Hold that thought, will you,
William? The show is on.

Larry's discussing
the Middle East crisis

with Muammar Gaddafi and Charo.

- Daddy, about the phone...
- I know.

I had a lot of time to think
in jail

and, uh, I decided
it's probably worth

the $25 or whatever
for your own line.

Oh, daddy, thanks.

Yeah, that's swell.
Make it a Princess, will ya?

It's not for you, it's for her!

What are you getting me?

I'm getting you your own

toothbrush.

- Why?
- Never mind. You'll thank me.

Yo, Charo, que pasa?
Yeah. Uh-huh.

[theme music]

[music continues]

[ALF laughing]

[instrumental music]