ALF (1986–1990): Season 1, Episode 3 - Looking for Lucky - full transcript

Lucky is missing and the evidence suggests that ALF ate Lucky, although he claims to be innocent.

Your eyelids are growing heavy.

You are getting sleepy.

You are no longer a cat.

You are a bagel.

You scared me.

You ought to wear a bell.

What's going on here?

I was ah... I was just teaching
Lucky to tell time.

Show Willie
what you've learned.

You were hypnotizing
him, weren't you?

Okay, you caught us.

I'm trying to help
Lucky with a smoking problem.

It looks like it's once again time to
restate the rules of the house.

Rule No.1: We do not eat
members of the family.

Willie, Willie, Willie.

Lucky and i were just kidding around.

Look, I've got to go pick up
Kate and the kids.

While i'm gone, I'd like you to
refrain from kidding lucky.

No problem.

I'd also like you to
refrain from playing

with priceless family heirlooms.

It's broken.

Lucky fell on it.

You know, it's not always true that
they land on their feet.


Lucky don't listen to him.

You're not a bagel.

You're not a bagel!

But you are getting sleepy.

Just kidding!

"Just take those old
records off the shelf"

"I sit and listen
to them by myself"

"Todays music ain't
got the same soul"

"I like that old time

"Don't try to
take me to a disco"

"You'll never really
get me out on the floor"

"Ten minutes and i'll
be late for the door"

"I like that old time

"Still like that old time

"That kind of music
just soothes the soul"

"Reminiscin' 'bout
the days of old"

"That old time

Maybe we should
have called first.

Well I had the music
pretty loud.

I probably wouldn't
have heard the phone.

Uh, I was planning to have the place
spotless by the time you got back.

When did you expect
us back, in april?

When I left, you
said you're going to behave,

but this is not behaving,
this is mass destruction.

I don't know what happened.

I was sitting here, doing
better than my best.

I decided to make myself
a little snack...

the rest is a blur.

How can one alien
be so irresponsible?

I wasn't irresponsible,
I was hungry!

Did you eat everything
in the house?

No. I don't think so.

Oh, wait a minute,
here's something.

Who wants a cookie?

I do!

I'll split it with you.

Brian, why don't you go feed lucky.

I hope there's some food left.

You didn't eat all the
cat food too, did you?

No way, I draw the line
at intestinal byproducts.

How can you eat so much?

I've been blessed
with multiple stomachs.

I don't understand why
you don't gain any weight.

It's all in the way
of combine your foods.

Really? That's interesting.

Merv did a show on it.
I have a tape somewhere.

I don't believe this!

Merv says it works.

Of course, have you
seen Merv lately?

Forget Merv. We're
not talking about Merv.

No more Merv!

Fine, he's off the air anyway.

Let's talk a little about
how much food costs.

I can't find Lucky.

Oh, he's around somewhere.

I looked all over.

I wonder where Lucky is.

Do you know, Alf?

Hold it.


I'll look around some more.

Brian, see if Lucky's
in the hamper,

he likes rolling around
in dirty laundry.

Who doesn't.

Alf, do you know where Lucky is?

You know Lucky;
he's a free spirit.

Last time I saw him, he was
hightailing it out the window.

And what were you doing?

I was chasing him with a fork!

Just kidding.

Alf the last time I saw Lucky,

you were teaching
him to tell time.

What are you getting at?

Yeah, what does tell time mean?

It means hypnotizing the cat
into thinking he's a bagel.

Oh, you mean, you think alf
might have...


Alf, you didn't!

Hey, hey, hey.

We're treading onsome prety
serious ground, here.

These unjust accusations
have litigation written all over them.

I know my rights.
I watch people's court.

Alf, did you eat Lucky or not?

Willie, I know the rules.

We don't eat members
of our family.

We don't eat members
of any family.

Well, which is it?

I can't find Lucky, anywhere.

Well, maybe he got sucked into
a parallel dimension.

I've seen that happen before.

I don't think so.

Oh, so I guess there's only
one other explanation.

The alien must have eaten him.

Well, i didn't! Smell my breath.

There's no Lucky on it!

That's the only thing
that's not on it.

Alf wouldn't eat Lucky.

Would you?

I'm not saying anything
until I talk to my attorney.

Maybe we're rushing into
judgement, here.

Maybe lucky just went for a walk.

I'm sure he'll turn up.

It's a fur ball.


Don't look.

Hey, this isn't Lucky.

I was licking some jello off
my arms and I swallowed hair.

Come on, guys, it's
me you're talking to!

Alf. I haven't eaten a cat
since I left Melmac.


Lucky was my best friend!

Come on don't cry.

Hey, what's with this family?

Didn't you ever hear
the expression,

innocent until proven guilty?

Not when the accused
coughs up the victim!

Is there anyone here who
doesn't think I'm guilty?

Maybe you ate him by accident.

I see.

Well, the indictment
has been handed down.

Thank you all
for your support.

Call me when you
finish building the gallows.

Oh, and here...

Axhibit A!

"Dear family..."


too friendly.

"Dear lynch mob,"

Yeah, that's better.

"I've been accused of
a crime I did not commit."

"Accused by people
I thought were my friends."

"You say I am a murderer."

"I say, the only thing
murdered today, was justice."

Oh, yeah. That is good.

"But, like david janssen
in The Fugitive,"

"I will travel the country
in a desperate attempt..."

"To clear my name, by
finding the one armed man."

That can't be right.

"By finding Lucky."

"I will search relentlessly,"

"Taking time out, only to
have love affairs..."

"with beautiful women."

"Now, I must begin my journey."

"Good bye,
yours till Niagara falls,"


"p.s. These are tear drops."


Oh, great. Breakfast!

Thanks, mom.


I'm sorry. I'm just so hungry.

Me, too.

Me, too.

We better eat fast
before Alf gets to it.

Okay, I'll have "Sugar Shocks."

"Sugar Shocks" aren't good for you.

How 'bout if I pour som nice
healthy milk on them?

How about if I pour
milk on your oatmeal?

Chocolate milk?

It's a deal!

Where's Alf this morning?

Probably too ashamed
to come to breakfast.

Or too full!

I dreamed last night that Alf came into
my room and tried to eat me.

Brian, Alf would never do that.

Of course he wouldn't.

You'll sleep with us tonight.

You know, I almost feel
sorry for Alf.


I'm just trying to see
things through his eyes.

I'm trying to understand
why he ate Lucky.

I meen, Alf has different
instincts than we do.

On his planet, they eat cats
the same way we eat cows.

We don't eat cows.

Where do you think
hamburgers come from?

The supermarket.

I have good news.
Brian, go get Alf.

I want you to
look at something.


I've analyzed the
composition of the fur ball,

and compared it to the clamp
of hair, clomp of Alf's hair,

That I found in the ice cream.

Now, the composition
of the fur ball,

is the same as the
hair in the ice cream.

Do you know what that means?

It means that breakfast is over.

No, it means Alf is innocent.

So we were wrong,
we accused him unjustly?

We've should have believed him.

Where's Alf?

I don't know, but I
found this note.

What does it say?

Skip the part about David Janssen...

It says he
didn't eat Lucky.

Poor Alf.

It says he's gone to find Lucky

to prove his innocence.

...and his manhood.

This letter even has tear drops.

Grape colored tear drops.

He must feel so betrayed.

I'm gona go find him.

I'm going too.

I'm coming with you.

Me too!

Alf is all alone out there,
I'm realy worried about him.

And he doesn't know about
crossing on the green and not in between.

- That's right.
- Where are we going to look?

- I don't know.
- He could be anywhere.


You know, we realy should have
watched more

episodes of "The Fugitive."

So, uh, what are
you guys in for?

Okay, be that way.

Just tell me one thing.

That sign over there,

Does neutered mean
what I think it does?

I guess it does.

Anybody have a coat hanger?

I'll show you how to
get out of this dump.

Here we go, boy.

X-nay on the anger-hay.
I think the screw is coming.

Oh my gosh, he's got a horse!

Okay, who wants a roommate?

There's an empty one.

What are you doing
without your jockey?

Just kidding,
just kidding!

This whole planet's up tight.

Come on, guys. Let's loosen up!

"On Wisconsin, on Wisconsin"

Jump in when you're ready,
lets go; come on.

"On Wisconsin, on Wisconsin"

Hey, hold it down in here!

There you go.


Psst, hey, hey Trigger.

Act cool. Listen.

You seem like a sweetheart, I'm gona
let you break out of here with me tonight.

Yeah. Here's the plan.

We wait until it gets dark,

then me, you,
and that cat over there,

are going to make a run for it.

Look, all you have to do
is gnaw through this wire mash.

got that?

Good. X-nay, X-nay.

Well, there they are.
Take your pick.

it smells terrible in here.

You get used to it.

Some of us wouldn't want to.

Come on honey, pick a nice cat
and then we can go.

I can't be rushed.

What is that monstrosity?

That's a dog. I think.

Gas it. no one's gona want it.

May I show you
something in a tabby?

I don't like any of these cats.
I want one that costs a lot of money.

Come on Heidi, I'm sure you
can find something.

Oh, all right.

I guess that cat over there
doesn't look too gross.

Ah, good. Nice choice.

It just came in a little while ago.

Okay, there you go.

What are you
going to name him?

- What's your name?
- Keith.

Not Keith. Let's go dad.

- Thanks very much.
- You're welcome.

Looks like it's now or never.

Hey, hey!

Hold it down!

Did you hear what I said?

Be quiet, you're
scaring Damian.

All right, all right, that's it!

Dad, that dog took my cat!

Stop him!

They're here, Lucky.

I just can't wait
to see their faces,

when they see you.

Alf, you're back!

Thank goodness.

we've been looking all
over for you.

Before you say
another word,

may i present to you
exhibit "B."

Well, I guess this
case is closed!

It's a cat.

It's not just
any cat, it's Lucky!

How soon they forget.

Alf, I think you've
made a mistake.



Yeah, it's Lucky.

You know, it's a funy thing...

he was in Mrs. Ochmonek's
basement the whole time.

Well, don't we feel foolish.

Now we have 2 cats.

No problem.
You're getting sleepy.

- Just kidding!

There you go, Luckheimer.

Oh, yeah.

Who'd ever thought we'd see the day,

when they'd trust
me to feed you?

Right now I'm in
the catbird seat;

sort of speak.

Right now I can
get away with murder;

sort of speak.

Right now, I could walk over
to that refrigerator over there,

grab a couple of slices
of whole wheat bread,

a little mayo, and
slap together a B-L-T.

Bacon, Lucky, and tomato.

Yeah, I could do that.

And they wouldn't even
have the nerve

to point their
finger at the old Alfer.

No, they'd probably
blame Willie,

before they'd blame me.

Yep! I could do that.

But I won't.

And why is that?

Because they trust me.

But don't get too comfortable.