ALF (1986–1990): Season 1, Episode 2 - Strangers in the Night - full transcript

Everybody but Brian and ALF are leaving the house for the evening and Kate doesn't want ALF to babysit Brian, so Willie calls their ever-snooping Mrs. Ochmonek from the neighbor. ALF is told to stay in the bedroom, but when Mrs. O...

Thursday, 6:30 p.m.

It started out
like any other night.


The third time that week.

But I digress.
Here's what happened.

I was being
my usual charming self

spending some quality time
with the Tanner lad.

See, when you bend
Missile Man's head this way

he becomes
a communications satellite.

- Whoa. I'm impressed.
- See?

Yeah. What does
Missile man become

when you bend him like this?

He becomes broken!

Oops. Sorry, B.

Lynn, we're gonna be
late for the shower.

Has anybody seen
the yellow ribbon?

I don't know. What color is it?

Ha! Yeah! I kill me.

Ha-ha! You kill me!

Brian, no arguments, it's time
to get ready for bed, okay?

Aw, sorry, ALF, I guess
we'll have to play later.

Obviously not with Missile Man.

Oh, wait, here's that ribbon.'s wet.

Forgot to tell you.
You're out of floss.

Maybe there's a chance
I can find some ribbon

without meat on it.

Not in that drawer.

I might have some meatless
ribbon in the garage.

Forget the ribbon.
A blender doesn't need ribbon.

Okay, you have
Joanna's number, right?

We won't have any problem.
Brian's going to bed.

I've got a lot of reading
to catch up on

and I'm sure ALF
will find something to do.

Make sure he doesn't.

Oh, I'll get it.

Hey, don't worry
about the old ALFer.

Channel 9's running "Psycho."

Oh, by the way,
we're out of popcorn.

I'll put it on the shopping list
next to floss.

No chance to run out now
and get it, I suppose?

Right. I'll just see
if I can scrounge

a few kernels
from the sofa.

Ready. What do you think?

- I love that dress.
- Thanks.

- 'Willie, we're leaving.'
- Oh, hold on, hold on.

That-that was Herb
from the office.

The computer's down,
he can't access the files.

I've got to go in
and reload the back-ups.

- You have to go now?
- I've got no choice.

- The budget's due tomorrow.
- Oh, honey.

- We can't leave Brian alone.
- I'm here.

Well, maybe
I could take him with me.

It's a school night.
He goes to bed in ten minutes.

I'll stay.

Well, you can't,
you're in the wedding party.

I'm not.

This is just great.
What are we gonna do now?

Ahem! Hello? How about me?

- For what?
- To sit with Brian.

What do you think?

Do I think we should let
an alien from outer space

watch "Psycho" while our son
sleeps in the other room?

Hey, no problem.

Just leave me the keys
to the liquor cabinet.

Maybe we can get
Mrs. Ochmonek to sit.

Good idea. I'll call her.

Nice to know
I'm trusted around here.


When you ask for the keys
to the liquor cabinet...

Hey, William, I was kidding!

I mean, don't you get it?

Do you think I'd actually
go near the liquor cabinet

or even take my eyes
off the kid for a second?

Come on, get with it,
these are the jokes, man.

The jokes.

The jokes. Yeah, oh..

I'm sorry, I-I guess
I misunderstood.

I guess if we knew
you were kidding..

Mrs. Ochmonek
will be here in five minutes.

Thank God!


So, this is my prison
for the night.

It's not a prison.

It's our bedroom.

One man's bedroom
is another man's prison.

Well, there's plenty
to keep you occupied.

We've got, uh, magazines,
this is a jigsaw puzzle.


- It's broken.
- That's the object.

You're supposed
to put it together.

Why? I didn't break it.

Uh, here's your
favorite comic book.

Mistress of the Universe."

I don't want Shanna.

I want Mrs. Bates.

ALF, we'll run "Psycho"
another night, okay?

Now, if you can just promise

that you can stay completely
away from Mrs. Ochmonek

then maybe, in the future
we'll let you baby-sit.

Don't toy
with my emotions, Willie.

I'm not. Look...ALF.. think you can keep
your end of this bargain?

Mrs. O will never know I'm here!

I'll get it!

- Oh, ALF.
- Just kidding! Just kidding!

Come on,
where's the fun around here?

Oh, you're a life saver,
Mrs. Ochmonek.

Oh, please, it's Raquel.

And it's my pleasure.

Trevor's watching
some stupid ball game

so this works out just fine.
Channel 9 is showing "Psycho."

So I hear.

Willie, have you been having
trouble sleeping lately?

No, why?

Well, far be it
for me to pry

but recently it's seems your TV
has been on awfully late.

You know, now you
mention it

I-I really have had
trouble sleeping lately.

You know, I couldn't
help but notice

how much garbage you've been
putting out lately.

Well, if I didn't
know any better

I'd think you've been
taking in boarders.

Look, you know how it is,
when I can't sleep, I-I eat.

My Trevor is the same way.

Is this a new lamp?

Uh, Mrs. Ochmonek,
Mrs. Ochmonek?

Uh, I really have to go now.
Here's the number.

I'll only be gone
a couple of hours.

Don't worry about a thing.

Oh, and, please, uh,
stay out of the bedroom.

If-if you don't mind, it's,
uh, it's kind of a mess.

Whatever you say.

"Please stay
out of the bedroom."

Who does he think I am, a snoop?

'Thank you.
The room seems very nice.'

'Yes, but its
kind of stuffy though.'

'Let me open these windows.'

'Why, thank you, I..'

Meanwhile, in the bedroom

I was just finishing
the jigsaw puzzle..

...when I heard the haunting
strains of the movie

I so desperately wanted to see.

'Thank you very much.
You've been very kind.'

'Uh, I was wondering..'

' there a diner
or a cafe open nearby?'


'There's one ten miles
down the road.'

'Oh. Ten miles?'

'Oh, but you're not going
to drive there in this rain?'

'No, I'm not.'

- 'I was wondering..'
- 'Yes.'

'Well, seeing as though
the rain'

'and I'm all alone..'

'...I was wondering whether..'

''d like to come up
to the house.'

'There was some..'


'You're very kind.'

'If you're sure it's not
an imposition, I really...'

'I know you weren't
expecting company'

'Oh, no.'

'On the contrary,
I'd be delighted.'

'Well, I'd like that
very much, thank you.'

'Why don't you..'

'...freshen up..'

'...and, when supper's ready..'

'...I'll come down
and call for you.'

'Thank you.
Thank you very much.'

'Well...thank you.'

'It won't be a minute.'

I learned one thing about
eating jigsaw puzzles.

An hour later,
you're hungry again.

Yo, Pizza Barge.

Yeah, I'd like to order
one large special.

The works. To travel.

167, Hemdale.


Oh, oh, and listen, uh

could you leave it
by the oak tree

in the backyard?

I don't know, I'm superstitious.


I decided to go outside
and wait for the pizza.

Big mistake.



Trevor, get over here quick.

I think there's somebody else
in this house.

Trevor, what took you so long?

The Dodgers batted a round.

Now, what's so important
that I have to leave the game?

I think there's somebody else
in this house.

I heard a scream.

Don't wake me up
when you come home.

It wasn't the TV!

The scream I heard
came from the back bedroom.

Maybe it was the cat.

No cat would scream like that.

Maybe it was in heat.

It sounded like a human scream,
and it came from this room.

Alright, alright, I'm goin' in.

If I don't come back,
you can start dating.

I already tried it, it's locked.

Now, it's open.

What are you, narrating this?

I'm scared. Willie even told me
to stay out of this room.

- Look in the bathroom.
- Oh, for crying out loud.

- Hey!
- Trevor, what is it?

They got one of them
cushioned toilet seats!

Let's get one, Raquel.

I'm tired of living
in the dark ages.

Just check the window, will you?

There, it's locked!

Now, if you don't mind,
I'm goin' back and watching

the Dodgers blow a big lead.

As for me, my only thought

was to get back to my room..

...and rake myself.

'Are you sure you don't know
something about all this?'

'I don't know a thing about it!
Have you..'

A light snack would hold me
over until the pizza came.

Lucky had the same idea.

'Pizza Barge!'

One super Sicilian.
That's me. Here's your pizza.

Sorry, I couldn't
leave it by a tree.

It's against company policy.

I don't understand.

Well, you see,
the last time we left one

by a tree, a squirrel died.

No, I mean,
I didn't order a pizza

and I refuse to pay for it.

Lady, it's already
paid for, house account.

Oh, well, in that case..

What about my tip?

Here, is this enough?

Oh, sure, in some states
I can still make a phone call.

"In some states I can
still make a phone call."

Trevor, did you order a pizza
and have it sent over here?

What are you talking about?

Well, the strangest thing
just happened.

A pizza arrived
already paid for.

You're tellin' me
you've got a pizza there?

- That's right.
- I'll be right over.

Tsk. Ah.

It's gone!

Trevor, you're not gonna
believe this, but it's gone.

- What's gone?
- The pizza!

You didn't even
leave me a slice?

I didn't eat it, it disappeared!

'Trevor, something is going on
in this house.'

Between the-the noises
and the screams

and this pizza thing!

What are you talking about?

There's a pizza
over there on the counter.

Well, I'll be
go to the market, it's back.

- "I'll be go the market?"
- Yes, it's back.

Mmm! Delicious!

Could be a little hotter.

Trevor can't you stay here
and watch the game?

I don't wanna be alone.

Take it easy, Raquel.

I haven't seen you this bad
since the eclipse.

Fine! Then you tell me
where the pizza went.

I'll do better than that.
I'll tell you where it's goin'.

I had done everything I could
think of to pass the time.

One thing was certain,
blue was not my color.


What are you doing
answering the phone?

I live here.

Where's Mrs. Ochmonek?

She lives next door.

I know she lives..
Where is she now?

I don't know,
last time I saw her

she was giving away my pizza.


I called to speak
to Mrs. Ochmonek.

Just a minute, I'll get her.

No! Don't move out of that room!

I'll call back.

It's your dime.



Why do you keep
answering the phone?

- You keep calling.
- Is everything alright?

Everything's fine. Oh, oh,
and the cat's going to be okay.

The cat?
What happened to the cat?

I closed the refrigerator door
on his tail.

What? What were you
doing in the kitchen?

Well, I had to break
in the back door

after I fell out the window.

Where are you now?
What are you doing?

I'm in the bedroom
wearing a blue dress.

Don't move from that spot!

Where would I go?
I don't have the right shoes.

I'm coming home.

I should have locked him
in the garage!


Brian, is that you?


Trevor, get over here, quick!

Forget about it, Raquel.

I'm not puttin'
my pants back on.

But I think I saw
somebody in the bushes.

Maybe it was another pizza.

Operator, this is an emergency.

What's the number for 911?

And then it happened.

He came into my life.

At first,
I thought it was Santa Claus.

Then it soon dawned on me.

Santa probably wouldn't
smell of cheap wine.


...he was beginning
to fill up his bag

with stuff
that didn't belong to him.

I was scared stiff.

But I knew
I had to do something.

I realized for that moment

I was the man of the house.

Uh. Excuse me, sir.

Uh, may I have a word with you?

Who said that?

I did.

Can you take some
constructive criticism?

What you're doing
here is wrong.

It must be one
of them talking dolls.

Oh, yeah? Ever have a talking
doll rip out your voice box?

- Oh!
- Oh!

Oh, Mr. Tanner,
thank God you're home!

This evening
has been a nightmare.

- So I heard.
- Oh! Oh!

- No, no, Mrs. Ochmonek!
- Ah!

I don't know
what's going on here.

I hope that police
get here soon.


Weird things have been going on

in this house all night.

Especially in your bedroom!

Lynn, uh, take Mrs. Ochmonek
into the kitchen

and give her some tea.

Okay, mom.

Come on, Mrs. Ochmonek.

Would you
prefer herbal tea or regular?

I'd prefer scotch.

So, how was the shower?

What in the world..

ALF, what are you
doing in my dress?

Sorry, I thought it was Lynn's.

You've really done it this time.

Any semblance of faith
or trust I had in you is gone.

I can explain.

What could you possibly say

that would explain what's
happened in this house tonight?

Tonight, I set a thief
on the straight and narrow.

What are you talking about?

Willie, my jewelry box
is missing!

So are my good gold cufflinks. good watch.

And my antique cameo!
Where are they?

Probably being pawned.

Wait a minute, look, look.

There really was a thief
in this house tonight

wasn't there, ALF?

Two of 'em. One took your
jewels, the other took my pizza.

The police are here.
What'd you do, ALF?

Sure, blame the guy
in the dress.

Now, don't make a sound.
Stay right here.

And take off that dress.

Alright, but I feel
it only fair to warn you

I'm not wearing
anything underneath.

Come on, lighten up.


Uh, Mr. and Mrs. Tanner,
we're responding

to your call.
Can you identify this property?

- That's my jewelry box.
- Those are my cufflinks.

Uh, this man
chased our car for two blocks

claiming he'd stolen
this merchandise.

I did. I swear, I did.
I deserve the maximum penalty.

Relax, pal.

If you'll come down
to the station

and fill out a report
you can, uh

reclaim your property,
if you want it.

- Yes, we do.
- Fine. Let's go.

Ask him. You said
you'd ask him. Now, ask him.

Um, this man claims he saw some

hideous creature
with a huge nose.

Wearing a blue dress.

He says it talked to him.

It did. I swear it did.

Thank you, Lynn.
I think I'll be going home, now.

Excuse me.

Well, at least
he can't plead insanity.

Have a good night.

- Willie...
- I know what you're thinking.

But we got through it.
Everything's alright.

Everything's back to normal.

'Hey, could somebody
unzip me in here?'

On May 18th

Andrew Seminick was convicted
in municipal court

of breaking and entering
with intent to commit burglary.

He waived his rights
to a jury trial

in lieu of psychiatric help.

Mrs. Raquel Ochmonek

wasn't as fortunate.

She was sentenced to life
with Trevor.

He swung on his friggin' own
pitch. I knew it! Bases loaded!

As for the old ALFer

I remained
my usual humble self.

Unaffected by the events
of one very strange evening

and my heroic participation
in them.

So anyway, there I was

looking Mr. Death in the eye.

Was I scared?

Ha! I said to him

"Hey, pal, you don't know
who you're dealing with."

Sausage, Willie, I said sausage!

I'm tellin' ya.

More butter.