ALF (1986–1990): Season 1, Episode 1 - A.L.F. - full transcript

This is the way it began
that extraordinary night.

The night he came.

I'm gonna be in the garage,
calling Bochev.

Me too!
Who's Bochev?

Bochev is my friend
in Yugoslavia.

Dad, can I look
through the telescope?

Of course, my son,
enjoy the cosmos.

Dad, can I talk to Natalie,
after you're through?

Sure.

I wanna tell her
about my new boyfriend.

New boyfriend?
What's his name?



- Lash.
- "Lash?"

That's not his real name, is it?

You don't approve, do you?

I don't even know...Lash.

This is K-7-2-6-X-A-A,
Los Angeles calling Belgrade.

- How are you guys doing?
- Fine, dad hates Lash.

And I'm looking for Venus.

Did you find it?

No, but the neighbors are
watching "Body Heat" again.

Brian.

Stop spying on people.

- Just get ready for bed.
- I'm hungry.

Well, that's because you didn't
eat your mash potatoes.

I don't like mash potatoes.



Come on.
Did anyone feed the cat?

- 'Oh, I'll feed him.'
- Feed him my mash potatoes.

Lucky eats cat food.

Now, I know
why we named him Lucky.

Can I talk to you
for a minute?

Sure.

- Oh!
- Hoo!

- Darn!
- You alright?

Yeah, I guess the CB
must've crossed circuits

with the short wave.

You know, it's not easy
being a 16-year-old.

I know, I'm immature
sometimes..

- You know, you put so much...
- I was talking about Lynn.

Lynn! Right.

Was there a problem there?

She thinks
you hate her boyfriend.

Such-such a bright girl.

I-I'll talk to her.
Right away.

We will get this thing
straightened out.

Let me just, let me just
shut this thing off.

What's that noise?

Oh, my gosh.

It's the infrared radio band.

I've locked into
something in space

a pulsar or a, or a satellite.

Hello? Hello? This is
K-7-2-6-X-A-A. Can you read me?

They're answering, but I don't
recognize the language.

Why don't you
just shut it off?

I, I can't.
I, I can't control it.

It's locked in on a signal.

Willie, Willie, what's that?

Oh, my gosh!

It can't be.

The lights! What happened
to the lights?

Daddy, daddy,
what's that thing in the sky?

- What's going on?
- It's closing in fast.

I think maybe we better..

We...we have a visitor.

- Here he comes! Here he comes!
- Brian, stay with me.

Oh, my gosh!
It's hairy!

- Let's put it over here.
- Not on the couch!

Lynn, clear off
the coffee table.

- Quick! It's heavy.
- Heavy and hairy!

I can't believe it.

What do you think it is?

A real alien.

Willie..

Willie, what is it?

I don't know.

Brian's right. It's an ALF.

- What?
- An ALF.

An A-L-F. That's short
for "Alien life form."

- Can ALF stay in my room?
- No!

No, this thing is
not staying in anyone's..

It's not staying!

Why not? E.T. got to stay.

E.T. was a movie.
This is real.

This is on our coffee table.

This is incredible.

Truly amazing.

After all those
years of wondering

and hoping
that it might be possible

to contact alien life

to have this happen,
it's a miracle.

It's the fulfillment
of a lifelong dream.

- We've got to get rid of it.
- Absolutely.

We don't know
anything about it.

It could be dangerous.
It could be diseased.

It could be hostile
or have hostile friends

'or acquaintances.
It could be anything.'

'You mother's right. We'd better
report it to the authorities.'

But what if the authorities
do something to it?

Yeah, what if they
poke needles in it?

No, they wouldn't
poke needles in it.

Would they, Willie?

Well, they could.

I don't think they would
but they could.

And...they might.

I know this's very exciting,
but I don't see any alternative.

We've got to report this!

What other choice
do we have?

Argh! Ah, can I make
a suggestion?

Yeah, sure, why not..

Well, if it's not
too much trouble..

...how about fixing
my spaceship?

Hello! Read my lips.

It talks.

It's heavy, it's hairy
and it talks.

Good, now,
how about fixing my spaceship

so I can get my heavy,
hairy body out of here?

Uh, I-I'm not sure
I can fix your spaceship.

I mean, not tonight,
not-not in the dark.

Yeah, you could use
a light in that driveway.

You know, I've been meaning
the put one out there, but..

You know how it is, you get busy
with one thing and another.

- Willie!
- I'm sorry.

- It just seems so human!
- Hey!

There's no need
for name-calling.

I don't think we should
get too friendly, Willie.

She's right.

Let's have a snack now.

We'll get friendly later.

Snack?
What-what kind of a snack?

- You got a cat?
- You eat cats?

- You can't eat Lucky.
- No, no cat eating.

- Not in this house.
- Alright, alright.

How about a cat-food can?
I could use the roughage.

Can we give ALF a can, mom?

- Please?
- Please?

Alright.

A dented one.

Come on, ALF.

We're going with you.

Trusts me about
as far as she can throw me.

That is amazing.
Isn't that amazing?

Willie, will you come down
to Earth for a minute?

An alien being has come
to live with us

and eat our cans
and snack on our cat.

'Yeah, this will do fine.'

Alright. Alright.
Just give me one day, okay?

If I can't get ALF going,
we'll tell somebody.

Just one day.

Okay.

He's quick!
I'll give him that.

Mm. Morning.

Morning.

- Willie!
- Willie!

- What's going on out there?
- Nothin'. Just screaming.

- Move out of the way.
- No problem.

Let me put it this way, Willie.

I don't think
this is going to work out.

I'll take care of this.
Everything's fine.

Everything's under control.

Interesting concept.

Please, come away
from there. Come, come on.

Come on!
Over, over here by me.

We've a little problem
we have to discuss.

Yeah, Lynn and I got
to gabbing last night

and she sort of feels..

Boy, you're blind as a bat,
aren't you?

Would you give those
to me, please?

No problem.

You must understand

that Kate is very nervous

about this whole thing.

Absolutely. Who's Kate?

- My wife.
- Oh, yeah. She snores.

- She doesn't snore.
- You calling me a liar?

You just keep
your distance, alright?

- And try to be considerate.
- No problem.

That is not considerate.

That is...the opposite
of considerate.

That is inconsiderate!

Look, look,
let's just, uh..

Let's just settle down here.

Let's just take this
one step at a time.

No, there's no need
for you to shave.

- You look fine.
- I wanna do everything you do.

You're my idol.

I'm.. I'm going to
take a shower now.

Count me in.

I'd like to take it alone.
Thank you.

Okay. Just don't use
all the hot water.

- Do you mind?
- Never saw a thing.

And stay away from the window.

We've got a very nosy
neighbor, Mrs. Ochmonek.

"Ochmonek."
Sounds like a typo.

Just don't let her see you.
She might turn you in.

Trevor, is there such
a thing as a cross

between a kangaroo
and an aardvark?

'Ah, stop putting
yourself down.'

I'm not talking about me.

I'm talking about
that thing staring at me

'from that bathroom window.'

'What?'

- I don't see nothing.
- It was there a second ago.

And I think it was shaving.

Yeah, right,
and I'm Sean Penn.

- Towel.
- You talking to me?

Yeah, would you hand me
something to dry off with

please?

You got it.

Will this do the trick?

No problem.

♪ Left a good job
in the city ♪

♪ Workin' for the man
every night and day ♪

♪ But I never lost
a minute of sleepin' ♪

♪ Worryin' 'bout the way
things might have been ♪♪

ALF, you want to hand me that...

♪ Big wheel keep on turnin' ♪

'ALF, you wanna toss me... '

♪ Proud Mary keep on burnin' ♪♪

- ALF!
- Yaow!

Yeah, how you doing
up there, William?

Frankly, I could use
a little help.

I don't know much
about this thing.

Me either. I just turn the key
and it goes.

I'll get the wrench, dad.

Hey, Lynn, you don't happen to
have a phone in here, do you?

- No, why?
- K-L-V-Z, Bonus tune.

Fifteenth caller
wins a new Porsche.

Oh, wait, forget it.
Must be a licensed driver.

- Wrench, please.
- I'm a licensed driver.

Quick, what's the name
of the tune?

Wrench, please.

"Born In The USA."

No wonder I didn't know it.

I'll call.

- 'Wrench!'
- What's the phone number?

Area code, 3-1-1 5-5-5 9-8..

Wr-r-rench!

...4-5.

- Sorry, dad.
- Thank you.

ALF.. I think
you'd better try to make

contact with your...people.

I have tried.
I've tried again and again.

It's-it's an exercise
in futility.

Uh. Uh, let's face it.
I'm trapped here!

I'll never see the-the
purple side of my planet again!

Too dramatic?

Oh, ALF.

What are we gonna
do with you?

I guess, you'll just
have to love me

for as long as it lasts.

We will.

♪ Big wheel keep on turnin' ♪

♪ Proud Mary keep on burnin' ♪

2-3-4

♪ Rollin' rollin' ♪

♪ Rollin' on the river.. ♪♪

Look, if you're not gonna help...

I'm out of here. Look, if you
need me, I'll be in the house.

- We won't need you.
- I'll still be in the house.

Yo! Lucky, my man.

♪ Before my song is done ♪

♪ And now my song is done ♪♪

Do you get "Sesame Street,"
where you live?

No. And, frankly,
I don't get it here either.

'If you said, "It was the cow,
riding on the subway."'

'You're absolutely right.'

Brilliant. This and the letter
"I," in one day.

I got to get
something to drink.

Me too.

Where are you two going?

We got to get
something to drink.

We're parched.

Okay, but..

...no soda pop, and nothing
to eat before dinner.

- Yes, ma'am.
- Yes, ma'am.

Jeez, what's with the warden?

I said no soda pop.

It's not soda pop. It's beer.

You're about out of Coors.

What?

Give those to me!

Hey, careful.
His is still full.

Now you just listen to me, ALF.

I will not allow this
kind of behavior in my house.

This boy is only six years old,
he is not to drink beer

and you are not
to drink beer.

And I don't know
what it's like on Mork

or whatever planet
you come from but...

Melmac.

- What?
- Melmac.

That was the name
of my planet.

It's also
what it was made out of.

What do you mean, "was?"

Well, you see that's
the thing, Kate, uh...ma'am.

Melmac's history.

Wait a minute.

Um, are you trying
to tell me that..

...you can't go
back to Melmac?

It exploded.

This was my street.

Now, now, if Willie
fixes my ship

I suppose I could
start a new life

somewhere else, on some desolate
crater-filled asteroid.

Spend the rest of my life
fending off gamma rays.

No, ALF. No.

We want you to stay here
with us, don't we, mom?

Brian, please try
to understand.

Hey, the kid wants me
to stay.

- ALF, do you mind?
- Oh, yeah, no problem.

Honey, we can't
hide ALF forever

and I can't go on
like this.

Watching him every moment

wondering what he's going
to do next.

But he'll be good. He won't
break the rules anymore.

Will you, ALF?

Cross my heart!

How you doing, Lucky?

See? No problem.

Oh, no! Who could that be?

- I don't know.
- Don't answer it, mom, please.

'Brian, I, I am going
to answer the door.'

- No!
- Yes!

It's probably just Mrs. Ochmonek
but even if it's not...

- It's not!
- What?

It's not Mrs. Ochmonek

unless she's just
joined the army.

It is a military man.

What if he wants
to take ALF away?

I don't know, Brian.

But if that's why he's here for
and if I decide

that's the right thing to do

you'll just have
to understand, okay?

Yes, mom.

We gave at the office.

Shh!
ALF.

Did you fix the spaceship?

I'm sorry. I couldn't do it.

I just, I don't
have the right parts.

Ball's in your court.

- Mrs. Tanner?
- Yes.

I'm Darnell Valentine
with the Alien Task Force

stationed at Edwards.

- 'Mind if I come in?
- Yes, I do.

Fine with me.

Mrs. Tanner, we've received
an anonymous tip

that you might be harboring
a space creature.

- Uh, a space creature?
- Yes.

Hairy. About three feet tall.

Is, uh...is he considered
dangerous?

Hard to tell
until we get in the lab.

Uh-huh and, um,
what would you do with him

if you did get him,
you know, in the lab?

Oh, the usual battery of tests.

We'll see how he responds
to intense heat

freezing cold, high voltage

toxic substances, pain,
sleep deprivation

inoculation, that's needles

and of course,
dissection.

Why don't you just
pull it's toenails out?

You didn't let me finish.

Don't bother.

We are not harboring
any space creatures.

Fine. Thank you.
Have a nice day.

Uh, excuse me, sir,
could you, just tell us..

who gave you our name?

As I told Mrs. Tanner,
that information is

strictly Ochmonek,
uh, anonymous.

Goodbye.

- Thanks, mom.
- Thanks, mom.

Yeah, thanks..

...mom.

I love this woman.

Let see if I can get
this thing going.

Pull these here.

Melmac touch.

Hello!

Anybody there? Yo!

Calling anybody from
Melmac. Hello?

Skip? Larry?

Muffy? It's Gordon.

Look, I don't know,
if you can hear me

but I just wanted to
let you know, I'm okay.

I-I'm living with what
they call a family.

Yeah. They're-they're sort of
like a herd, only smaller.

Yeah, there's this
guy named, Willie

and he's got a good heart
and lots of smarts

for someone without fur.

'Then there's his wife, Kate.'

'Well, she pretends
she doesn't like me, but, uh..'

...she'll come around.

Yeah, oh, oh,
and hey, dig this

her hair is the
same color as mine.

Yeah, only hers is natural.

Haa! Haa! Ha! Yeah!

Yeah and they've got
these two terrific kids

who-who both idolize me.

So, so you know they're okay.

But, uh, I wanted to
tell you something.

I, uh, I really miss all of you.

And the thought of
never seeing you again..

...sort of breaks my heart.

'So, uh..'

...you know, if you could..

...try to get in touch with me..

...uh, or better yet, come by.

And, uh, I'll introduce you
to these lovely people.

And then we could eat their cat.

So, the droid says to the
cranble, "To tell you the truth

"I'd feel even better
if she lived

another six light years away."

Yeah. Yeah.

I...I think that
really was amusing

six, six light years away.

I guess you had to be there.
I was!

More mash potatoes, please.

Hey, lob 'em over here
when you're done with them.

I'm getting kinda
used to this mushy stuff.

I like mash potatoes
too now, mom.

He likes mash potatoes now too.

You know, I hate
to be a black cloud

but what are we gonna do
with ALF when Lynn has her

pajama party next week?

- Oh, that's right.
- Hey, no problem.

I wear a size five

but nothing with feet in it.

Oh, I've got a zillion of 'em.

Here's another one
you won't like.

Look, these two space travelers
are going through Andromeda, see

and they run into
a space patrol.

He was a rookie, now remember
this it's important for

the end of the story. Anyway,
while they're travelling..