90210 (2008–2013): Season 5, Episode 17 - Dude, Where's My Husband? - full transcript

When Naomi is hired by a wealthy client to plan his wedding, Adrianna suggests they take a girls night out to forget their life problems which takes a sudden turn when (in a homage to 'Dude where's my car?' and 'The Hangover'), Naomi wakes up the next with no memory of the night before and finding out she's married. She teams up with Adrianna (who now has blond streaks) and with Silver to retrace the events of the evening before as well as to look for a missing Annie. Silver breaks the pact she made with Adriana and sleeps with Mark. Meanwhile, Dixon (at Mark's suggestion) hooks up with a bar girl to move on only to find out he has feelings for Michaela, as they spend more time together. Elsewhere, Liam secretly discovers that Campbell (whom is the stepson of Sydney) is plotting to frame Navid for the Cronos Society's cheating scam and he decides to socialize with the Cronos group to get close to them in order to find a way to clear Navid's name.

Previously on 90210...

You have to be so incredibly brave

to trust somebody you just
met to carry your baby.

I'd really like the
chance to be that person.

It's official.

I'm pregnant.

I'm pregnant!

I'm pregnant.

The whole time that Naomi was
pushing me to flirt with Mark,

I thought he liked you.

Look, after what almost
went down with Dixon,

I am not about to lose another friend.

Okay, well then let's make a pact.

All right? Mark is off limits.

Okay, Mark is off limits. Deal.

Divorce sucks, but it's the right thing.

Yeah, no, it is.

We're too young.

I'm gonna miss you, Naomi.

Dude, what's your problem?

My problem is everyone asking me

what my problem is.

That kid that I hit

yesterday decided not to press charges,

so I'm off the hook.

Hey, that's... that's fantastic.

Our physics final's coming up.

Once you figure out the answers,

just text them to the rest of the guys.

You need me to go.

Yeah, it's just that

my stepson's gonna be home soon and...

Got it.

I know. Yeah, I know.

They're withholding the
semester grades because they know

we were cheating.

It's gonna come out.

Everyone at Cronus is gonna be okay.

I've set Navid Shirazi up

to take the fall for the whole thing.


Thanks for stopping by.

Of course.

Hey, you mind if I use
your shower while I'm here?

Did you get sweaty on
the way over or something?

Our water heater at home is broken.

Instead of calling a
professional repairman,

Liam and Mark see it as a great opportunity

to compare the size of their...

prowess at fixing things.

Anyway, what's up?

I'm worried about Naomi.

She's been a little off
the last couple of days.

And I think I figured out why.

I found this in the drawer.

Oh, man.

Her divorce papers?

Yeah. She hasn't said anything?

No, she's just been moping
around and watching TV.

Hasn't returned any calls for work.

Am I interrupting something?

You know, we're here

if you need to talk or...

if you're feeling depressed.

Why would you think I'm depressed?

Um, well, why have you been ignoring

your business calls?

I was gonna get around to them.

Fine... if you got a bee in your bonnet.



engagement party...

another wedding.

Media company looking for a planner

for unspecified events.

I will call Jordan Welland back right now.


If you are.

I couldn't be better.

I have work to do.

Biggest red flag?

She hasn't even been plucking her eyebrows.

I know.

That means she's coming. This is it.

Hey, guys, Michaela's flash mob

video is, like, 750,000...

After 14 hours of grueling labor...


Oh, wow, that's great.

The baby's head begins to fully emerge.

Whoa, guys, are you actually
watching this on purpose?

Dixon, please!

This is beautiful.

Do you want to feel the top of her head?

Keep it going, that's great.

Okay, see, I'm not the only one
who thinks this is disgusting.

She has morning sickness, you idiot.


well, this... this can't be helping.

The morning sickness just started today.

Well, shouldn't it be ending soon?

It's about to be noon.

I actually read that, uh,

it doesn't always confine itself

to the mornings.

- Awesome.
- I know.

It sucks, I'm sorry.

But, hey, I'm gonna be here for you.

Whatever you need.

I can't believe it's actually happening!

I mean, we have a due date.

In eight months,

I'm gonna be a mom.

A healthy baby boy, slick

with Savannah's nurturing birth fluid.

Oh, okay, eight months.

Wow, well, um...

I got to go...

somewhere where this isn't happening.

Hey, what's up?

Isn't this a little weird now?

Living in the back of
some guy's restaurant?

No, I kind of like it.

It's cozy.

Oh, plus Mark and I made a deal.

I sign for all the shipments
when he's not around

and, uh, in exchange,

I get all the free tacos I can eat.

Ah, but what he doesn't know is that, uh,

I can eat a lot of tacos.

So, listen.

I heard Campbell saying

some pretty messed up stuff

the other day about how, uh,

he and his friends have been
doing some big cheating thing,

and... they're gonna pin
the whole thing on you.


I guess those Cronus jerks

really think they can
get away with anything.

But I mean, but come on,
making you the fall guy?

You've never cheated a day in your life.

Who's gonna believe them?

Yeah, yeah, that's the thing, Liam, um...

I did cheat.

- What are you talking about?
- Well, I had a reason,

- but...
- Well, what's the reason?

I mean, you're, like, the
smartest guy in school.

I... I texted the Cronus guys
the answers to the physics final.

It was the only way Simon agreed

not to press charges against you.


N... Navid, you... you could take the fall

for this as the ringleader.

I wish you would've told me.

It was my choice, but besides
you have nothing to worry about.

I'm gonna go talk to the dean right now.

I'm gonna tell him exactly

who's orchestrating the cheating.

What do you think he's gonna say?

I... I think he'll appreciate the honesty.

Hey, believe me...

everything's gonna be fine, okay?

I'm gonna beat Campbell to the punch.

Yo, Annie, there's something wrong

with the doorknob in your bathroom.

Shh, I know.

I... I don't want Mark
or Liam trying to fix it.

Uh, why not?

I thought they were good
at that kind of thing.

Well, they both have minor strengths

as well as delusions of grandeur.

It's a bad combination, so
I'm gonna call a repairmen.


Hey, what brings you over here so early?

Honestly, man, I just had
to get out of the house.

Between Silver and Michaela, man, I feel

like the whole house is pregnant.

You need a little
estrogen break... I get it.

These girls, they're great,

but they can be a little overwhelming.

Tell me about it, man.

And you had that whole Annie,
Naomi sister thing going on.


You and I have that in common, I guess.

At least the Annie part.

Does that kind of make us related?

Yeah, yeah, I guess it does.

I mean, so... so what are we?

Like, uh, brothers twice
removed or something?

We're in a brotherly zone.


Let's call it faux bros.

Faux bros... I like that.

So what do you say we make this
faux bro-hood official, huh?

Let's go out tonight,
let's get some drinks.

Meet some girls.

You mean ones who aren't
our sisters or their friends

or their friend's pregnant surrogates?


I'm liking the sound of this.


I'm glad you called me back, Naomi.

I started my media company two years ago,

and we are finally starting
to get some real traction.

And we're looking to throw some events.

Uh, launches, premieres,
that kind of thing.

Well, Jordan, I can assure you those type

of high-end corporate
events are right up my alley.

I can give you some references if you like.

Well, I don't need any references,

I just want to make sure
our parties are cool.

You know, not all stodgy and establishment.

That's why I came to you.

You know, we're both getting
started the same time.

You're young, you're fun.

Single, huh?

Not to make this all
about your personal life,

but who we are affects how we work.

Don't you think?

- Yeah, of course.
- Okay.

So take a look at some of
our projects and if you think

it'll be a good fit, please give me a call.

Oh, I'm sure it's a perfect fit,

but I will certainly look over this

and get back to you with
some of my super cool ideas

that come so naturally to me.

Thank you for coming.

All right.

- All right.
- Thank you.

- Bye.
- Bye.


You okay?


I don't think I am.

I'm not young and fun and single.

I'm divorced.

I'm a sad old divorc?e.

Stop, okay? Can I make you some tea?

I think Ivy left it behind...
it's nice, it's calming.

No, no tea. I don't, I don't need that.

I'm not some pathetic hippy-dippy failure.

I just told you that I drank some.

If I'm gonna be able to plan

the kind of party that Jordan wants,

I'm gonna have to snap out of this.

So I'm going to go out.

I'm gonna do shots.

I'm gonna get crazy and
you're gonna do it with me.

Naomi, are you sure this is what you need?

No, I've never needed
anything more in my life.

You have to call Annie and
Silver, tell them to meet us.

Because tonight the real Naomi is back.

All right, thank you.

Well, what a coincidence.

What did you just tell the dean?

Nothing much... I just

heard about this big
cheating scandal and I wanted

to make sure he knew Cronus
had nothing to do with it.

What... what are you talking about?

You organized the whole thing.

You were texting out answers like crazy.

Okay, if that were true, why would I have

just given the dean all
of our phone records?

He's already got proof

that nobody in Cronus was involved.

You covered it up.

What, you used dummy phones?

Wow, you should write spy novels, Shirazi,

with all these crazy
stories you're spinning.

All I know is

my dad is on the board of trustees

and has a whole building named after him.

So you really think the
dean is gonna believe

your story over mine?

Anyway, I got to get going.

I got a big Cronus party tonight.

I would invite you, but

you didn't want to be
part of Cronus, remember?

Which is too bad because

we really would've had your back.

So it's cool for you to take a night off?

- One of the benefits of running the place.
- Mm, yeah.

That and the free drinks.

So, after we finish this,
you want to head out?

Or we could stick around
here for a bit longer.


That's my faux bro.

Getting it started early.

Okay, let's go.

Excuse me, ladies, uh...

Good evening.

Do you guys like, um...

uh... origami?

I'm not opposed to it.

Origami? Come on, man.

Oh, hey, you're a Nirvana fan?

Who's Nirvana?

Are... are you serious?

You know, I was supposed
to make you a boat,

but I changed my mind late in the game,

and I decided to make you a mini coaster.

I'm clearly in the presence of a master.

And this master will buy you a drink.

I'm all for supporting Naomi,

but it makes me really nervous,

leaving Michaela at home
after she's been so sick.

I'm sure she'll be fine.

Well, looks like people
are rediscovering Nirvana.

Yeah, the smart ones are.

You two look nice.

Thank you.

But we are on a girls' night,

so, we are going to go
meet up with the girls.


Oh my God, he is so cute.

We have to stay strong.

You know.

- And remember our pact not to get involved with him.
- Yes.

No guy is cute enough to come
in between our friendship.



Hey, is something bothering you?

Besides the sex splinters?


Actually, when I was sneaking
out of your house the other day,

I almost ran into your stepson.

Oh, crap, did he see you?

No, but I did hear him talking on the phone

about how he and his all friends

have been cheating on their finals.


That sounds like it could get
them in some major trouble.

Yeah, except he's planning
on framing my friend for it.

I... I just feel like
I should say something,

you, know, help Navid out.

No, you can't do that.

If Campbell finds out you overheard him,

then he would know that
you were in the house.

What if he told my husband?

Then maybe it would help you
get that divorce you wanted.

No, it's not that simple.

My husband is incredibly jealous.

If he finds out about us,

I don't know what he might do.

And, besides, it's your
word against Campbell's.

Well, I feel like a jerk

letting my friend take the fall for this.

Then don't.

Maybe you can't tell what you heard,

but you can't let Campbell
get away with this.

You have to figure out some other way

to prove that Campbell was cheating.

I cannot believe

you brought that homeopathic tea with you.

It's so stupid.

It's kind of addictive.

And I'm the designated driver.

I would not complain if I were you.

Whatever, as long as you
don't let it hold you back.

Tonight is very special.

It's all about us getting
back to the way we used to be.

- So, no talking about babies.
- Who, me?

Or how hard it is

to live with your ex-boyfriend
who is incredibly hot.

Or divorce.

Are you sure you don't

want to talk about the divorce at all?

I don't want to talk about it.

I don't want to think about it.

Instead, I propose a toast.

To dropping our hideous baggage

and returning to our

young, fun, single selves.






Ade, wake up, wake up.

Wake up, wake up, wake up!

Huh? Where... ?

What happened?

I don't know.

Why are you wearing a veil?

What? What veil?

What, what, no, no...

No. No.


Oh, my God, no.

What the hell happened last night?

Annie, please call me
as soon as you get this.

I have a very big problem.


Did you find the rando guy I married?

No, I just saw my hair.

Who would do this to me?

And why would I have let them?

The whole night is a blur.

But you weren't even drinking.

I know, I guess that tea I was sipping on

was a little bit more than calming.

I wonder if I can get an
appointment with my colorist.

No, no, Ade, listen, you can
deal with your skunk hair later.

I have an emergency.

If I got married, I have to
get it annulled, like, now.

Otherwise, I have to get divorced, again.

I mean, it's bad enough
being defined as a divorc?e,

but a two-time divorc?e,
I can't handle that.

Okay, well, we'll find out
if you actually got married.

And if so, to who.

Okay, well, I already
checked my phone and Facebook

and there are no leads at all,

so, please tell me you
remember something, anything.

Okay... uh,

we were at the Offshore,

you guys took some shots...


We went to a male strip club.

Oh, fantastic.

Which one?

Uh, it had a name like Buttocks, or...

No... Thighs?

Ham Hocks. Ham Hocks?

- Haunches!
- Yes, yes, Haunches, Haunches.

All right, round up Annie and Silver.

Have them meet us there, okay, let's go.

Adrianna, emergency.



Good morning.

Good morning.

I had a really good time last night.

Yeah, me, too.

And thanks for being so
cool about us not hooking up.

I just, I have this rule
about not sleeping with guys

the same night that I meet them.

I get it.

You would much rather know someone first.



But since, technically,

it's not the same night
that we met anymore...


Man, I love a good technicality.

Is someone throwing up in your living room?


Stay right there.

Don't... don't move.

Hey, buddy.

Look, I'm actually not alone right now.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

No, it's... it's cool.

God, morning sickness sucks.

I'm either nauseous

or I'm craving foods I thought I hated.

Wait, morning sickness?

She's pregnant?

Uh, yeah, yeah she is.

But... but it's... it's, it's not mine.

It's... it's not even hers.

I don't even know her that well.

It's a long, complicated, boring story.

We shouldn't even talk about it.

- Maybe we should go get some breakfast.
- No way.

But, it's not my baby.

No, I mean, I'm not going
to leave her here like this.

My sister just had a baby,

and she had really bad morning sickness

for, like, two months.

She basically lived on crackers.

Crackers sound really gross right now.

It's fine, really, I'm okay.

Please don't change
your plans because of me.

I'm just going to sit here with my bucket.

See, she's fine.

Maybe we should just...

Oh, no. No, no, no,

you're not getting rid of me that easily.

Dixon, we're going to
need a cool, damp washcloth

and a box of saltines.

I don't think we have any.

Then you're going to have
to run out and get some.

Then I'm going to have
to run out and get some.

Holy mackerel.

You back already?

You remember me?

How could I forget you?

I had to forcibly remove you

from the stage, like, three times.

Sorry about that.

So, listen, did you happen to see me

leave here with anyone last night?


I thought you'd never leave.

I mean, you were all over the dancers

and said you were tired
of going home alone.

But no, I didn't see you leave.

Oh, my God,

I might have married one of those?

Funny, you didn't strike
me as the marrying kind.

I wouldn't think so,
either, but apparently I am.

I need every single one of these

beefcakes' phone numbers, pronto.

Oh, my God.

Listen, man, uh,

I... I think I am going to
need your help after all.

You know that thing you heard Campbell say?

Turns out it's, uh,
the only evidence I got.

Yeah, man, I'm... I'm really sorry

but I... I can't tell anyone about that.

Why not?

Because of how I overheard him.

I was in his house, with his stepmom.


Wait, our... our investor...

uh, who you're having an affair with,

is... is also Campbell's stepmom?


You're literally sleeping with the enemy.

Whoa, hey, she's not
the enemy; Campbell is.

She thinks we should
find some other evidence

to show that he's guilty.

Okay, wow, uh, well, I guess it's possible

that one of the Cronus guys still has

one of the dummy cell phones

they used for the cheating.

That's what we'll look for.

But how?

Those guys won't even let me near them.

They might still be
willing to hang out with me.


Oh, thank God you're here.

Annie's not answering
her phone, which is weird,

and Naomi needs us at
a strip club right away.

I'm sorry, what?

Yeah, she thinks she got married

and she doesn't remember.

- Your hair...
- Mm, don't.

Okay, um, I'm going to get my stuff.

So, I'm assuming you
don't know anything either?

Hey, where did you go?

You disappeared last
night after the Offshore.

Yeah, no, I, um, I checked on Michaela

and she was craving cheese puffs,

so I ran out to bring her some.

When I came back you
guys were already gone.

I called your cell phones.

Nobody was picking up,

so I just came home and went to bed.

Really? Alone?

What, this is mine.

I just rarely wear it,

because it's so ugly.

Silver, I woke up with
Bride of Frankenstein hair.

At least let me vicariously live

through your hook up.

Come on, tell me who it is.

Doesn't Naomi need our help?

Fine, don't tell me.

Oh, is it that beer delivery guy

with the awesome arms?

So, you're sure you and I
didn't get married last night?

Um, yeah.

I mean, you're good looking and all,

but why would I tie myself down like that?

You're so right.

The world is your oyster, here at Haunches.

Oh, man, your hair looks awesome.

Mauricio nailed it.

I always have him do my frosted tips.

Who's Mauricio?

He's one of the dancers here.

You don't remember him?

You two went back to your place together

so he could do your hair.

Wait, wait, did I marry Mauricio?

Oh, no, he's already married.

His husband is the bomb.

Makes a great guacamole.

Great, so I didn't marry
any of the strippers.

You say that like it's a bad thing.

Wow, you guys really
went for it last night.

Oh, and like you didn't,

little miss hook up with
mysterious jacket guy.

Yeah, whatever. How about this?

Flashing of the boobs.

Nice shot. Nice work, you guys.

Can I see that for a second?

These are not my boobs.

- Then whose are they?
- Oh, that's those other two girls.

You know, your friends, the ones from TV.

I don't have friends from TV.

From that Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

You left here with them.

- What?
- I can't believe you don't remember.

You were seriously bonding with them.

You kept calling yourselves
the three divorc?es.

Kind of like the three amigos,

I guess, but sadder.


get me a list of the housewives.

We're gonna find those bitches.

Based on which Beverly Hills housewives

were actually in town last night,

and which ones are also divorced,

it has to be Brandi and Camille.

Their publicists said
they come here every day.

Though I'm not quite
sure what this place is.

It's Bolates.

You get Botox and Pilates all in one.

Clearly the stripper
blew our so-called bonding

out of proportion.

I mean, if I left with the housewives,

I was probably just helping them get home

like a Girl Scout.

Otherwise, what do I possibly have

in common with them?

Oh, my God.

Our sister from another mister.


I didn't know you were
still interested Cronus.

You kind of dropped off
the face of the earth.

I've been busy

with some stuff lately, but yeah,

I'm definitely interested.

Even though your buddy,
Shirazi, told us to suck it?

Man, that guy's an idiot.

I don't care what he thinks.

Oh, so you're like,

not friends with Shirazi anymore?

Never really was.

Well, in that case,

have a seat.

You have great timing.

Tonight is initiation night

- for Cronus.
- What's up?

All right.

Yo, yo.


I basically bought the
store out of saltines.

So I hope they do the trick.

Where's Helen?

Oh, I sent her out to get
me some soup I was craving.

Why didn't you text me? I could've got it.

No, you couldn't have.

It's this special soup,

Peruvian soup, made from llama's milk.

You can only get it at this
one place in Simi Valley

that I completely made up.

- Oh, okay, why?
- I'm sorry, Dixon,

I know you guys were hitting it off,

but if I had to listen to one more story

about her pregnant
sister's delicate esophagus,

I was gonna punch her in the face.


Nobody seems to believe this,

but I don't actually

want to think about pregnancy 24-7.

You don't?

No. Especially when it's
not even my own baby.

I mean, like, don't get me wrong,

I'm totally happy to be doing this,

but it's taking over my entire life.

Taking over?

It's taking over my entire life.

I really am sorry.

It's not your fault.

But really? The birthing videos?

Oh, freaking disgusting.

I know, right? Look, I... I get it.

Babies are supposed to be beautiful,

and the whole nine yards,

but seeing a baby come out...

it's... it's like that scene in Alien.


Oh, I love Alien.

Me, too.

You want to watch it?

I got it on Blu-ray.

Hell yeah.

But you know what I want to do first?

Throw up?

No, get a giant plate of nachos.

I'm in a craving phase.

You're a genius.

Let's go.

So what happened was

we were watching a movie on my phone.

And one of the strippers kept bragging

about this porno he was in.


And we thought, what the heck,

let's check it out.

And it was a complete
rip-off of my favorite movie.

Corporate Invaders.

I'm a huge Liam Court fan.

- Aren't we all?
- And that's what I was saying

to Cam, I was like,

"Oh, my God, yeah, the stripper's like,

well-endowed and whatnot,
but Liam is so much hotter."

And your friend,

the little one, was
like, "I live with Liam."

Party time.

So we all jumped into my Bentley

and went to Liam's house.

But he wasn't home, so I was really sad.

- You were sad.
- I was sad.

So we decided to watch

The First Wives Club.

That always makes her feel better.

But it seemed like the
movie was getting you upset.

You said that you didn't want

to be a divorc?e because you
didn't want it to define you.

Yeah, we told you it won't...


I mean, it definitely changes
the way people see you.

Because you're not yourself anymore,

and your not somebody's wife.

You're somebody's ex-wife.


Well, thank you for all
of this incredible support,

but we actually want to know

if at some point last night

I, um, married someone?

I have no idea.

I went to the bathroom,

and when I came out again, you were gone.

She was in the one bathroom,
and that little, tiny girl

was in the other bathroom,
and I had to go so bad,

I just couldn't hold it any longer,

so I popped a squat in the backyard.

Oh, my God.

No, don't worry. No one saw me.

I know why Annie's not returning our calls.

I think she's trapped.

Thank you both. We have to go.

What a hot mess those three are.


What about the other new members?

Don't they have to be initiated, too?

They did this weeks ago,
when you'd gone AWOL.

Well, it looks like I have
some catching up to do.

Whoa, easy.

- Dude, slow down.
- Wow.

Not bad.

Well, I do own a bar.

So if this is one big drinking contest...

So you're not feeling challenged enough.

Well, you will be happy to
know that this is just part one.

What's part two?

Nothing much.

Just a refreshing little stroll...

up here.


Oh, my God, we're terrible friends.

She could be dead in there.

At least she has water.


It took you guys 18 hours
to realize I was missing?

Ugh. I really hope that is the
closest I ever get to 127 Hours.

Stupid doorknob.

Why didn't I just let Liam and Mark fix it?

Or if you were stuck in there all night,

why didn't you just yell?

I tried, but my voice was a little bit shot

from yelling all night at strippers

to show me the goods.

I got a little carried away.

- We all did.
- Eventually, it got quiet,

so I thought you guys had left,

and Liam and Mark never
came home last night.

So basically, you have
no idea where I went.

I assumed you went home to
put on sweatpants and cry.

You seemed pretty shaken
up by that ridiculous movie.

So, breaking you out of the
bathroom was completely pointless.

All right, I'll just go
back in there, but this time,

I'm definitely taking my phone.

Annie, I'm sorry, I
just... I'm never gonna find

that idiot that I married,
and I'm gonna spend

the rest of my life as a pathetic,

bitter double-divorc?e.

I might as well give up now.

I wish I could help you.

And maybe I can,

because at 4:17 a.m.,

I got an e-nnouncement

from Lala's All-Night Wedding Chapel.

Let me see that!

You married your brother?


Are you happy now?

Me? I'm great,

but you're still not getting into Cronus.

What the hell, man?

I just put my life on the line.

And you did a decent job,

but you walking on some ledge,

while extremely entertaining,

doesn't prove that you're
not friends with Shirazi.

With Navid since he
leaked a sex tape of mine

and he ruined a relationship.

He's a dick.

So I don't know what
your plans with him are,

but personally,

I would be thrilled to see
him get what he deserves.

What do I have to do
to make you believe me?

Give me your phone.

Mmm. Mmm.

These nachos are beautifully balanced.

- Right?
- Mm-hmm.

With the layering and everything.

- Mm-hmm.
- I'm telling you, my faux bro knows how to do it.

I'm actually about to
get something to drink.

- You want something?
- Ginger ale, please and thank you.


Hey, uh, two ginger ales.

Hey, man. I didn't even notice

- you were here.
- Hey, what's going on?

Not much, uh, getting
some nachos with Michaela,

then going back to the
house and watching Alien.

Sounds like a pretty good date.

What? No. No, no, no, no. No.

This is... this is not a date, dude.

We're just hanging out.
She's just a really cool girl.

So dinner and a movie
with a really cool girl

is not a date?

Look, man,

you don't have to worry about anything.

Michaela and I were a one-time thing.

I'm happy for you, man.

Oh, it's Liam.

Looks like he came through.

I got to go.


And here you go.

Thanks, man.



What, are there no free refills?

Uh, no.

No, seriously, what?



Nothing. Nachos.


Okay, obviously I didn't marry you,

so please tell me what the
hell happened last night.

I'm not surprised you don't remember.

You were fairly
obliterated when you called.

- I called you?
- From a convenience store.

You were crying into
a pint of butter pecan,

so I drove over, and we talked,

and then you got married to yourself.

I married myself?

Well, I guess it makes a sad kind of sense.

I must have realized no one else would want

to be with a failure like me.

Like I told you last night, you are blowing

this whole divorc?e thing
way out of proportion.

Thank you, Mark, but you
don't know what it's like.

I do. I felt the exact
same way after my divorce.

Wait. You're divorced? I didn't know that.

It's not like we have to wear a big red "D"

on all our clothes.

I know. Well, I feel like I am.

I tried to go out last
night, be the old Naomi,

young, carefree, fun.

But instead, I ended up

drunk, bitter, watching First Wives Club

with a bunch of other divorc?es.

And I might as well tattoo the big "D"

right here on my forehead.

First of all, you have been divorced for,

like, ten minutes,

and you need to stop beating
the crap out of yourself.

You are young and strong
and beautiful and smart.

And you've got your
whole life ahead of you.

Your divorce is just a, a tiny piece of it.

You really believe that?

Yes. You just need to give it some time.

At least, that's what worked for me.

And as cheesy as it sounds,

I had to learn to love myself a little

before I could even think
about getting back out there.

But that should be easy for
you. You're pretty lovable.

I suppose you told me all this last night?

I did.

And then you spotted the wedding chapel

and had the great idea to marry yourself.

It wasn't out of self-pity.

It was out of something more like... hope.

Thank you... for being
there for me last night.

And right now.

That's what brothers are for.

Hey, I got your text.


What's going on?!

You've been trying to prove all night

that you're not loyal to Shirazi.

Here's your chance.

You want me to hit him?

That is your strong suit, isn't it?

Plus he deserves it.

Come on, Fight Club,

you can do a little better than that.

Unless there's something holding you back.

Liam, please don't do this.

Hey, I've known you since
high school. Come on, man.


I'm just glad you're feeling better.

Ugh! Talking to Mark
last night really helped.

It's nice to have a
brother you can count on.

And one who helped us solve your mystery.

Though we still haven't identified

Silver's mystery hook up.

It's my jacket, Adrianna.

How many times do I have to tell you?



All right. I gotta run.

I'm heading to my hair appointment.

In spite of all the fiascoes,

we should do girls' night more often.

See you.

Oh. There's still one
thing I can't figure out.

Mark said I called him that
night, and the last call

I had on my phone history was you.

Oh, that's weird.

Yeah, and I probably just deleted it.

But I am going to call Jordan back.

I figure best way to start
getting over my divorce,

secure a hot new client.

Hello, Jordan?

Naomi Clark.

Yeah, I was just calling because
I have a few ideas I think

you're gonna go crazy for.



I didn't think to grab it.

When you left my place to go meet Naomi?

And here I've been thinking
that was just your M.O.:

slipping away in the middle of the night

while your conquest lay sleeping.

I really didn't want to leave.

Sorry I answered your phone, by the way.

It was 3:00 in the morning.

I wasn't thinking.

It's okay. I don't think Naomi knows.

If you don't want her to
know, I won't tell her.


But actually, there is
someone who I do have to tell.

Ugh! I never thought living
with two guys would be

the thing that forced me
to learn home repair skills.

Anyway, how did your big
night out with Mark go?

Did you meet someone special?

Yeah, yeah, kind of.

Really? That's awesome!

Yeah, I guess it is. It's, um...

but it's complicated.


How's it feel?

Not great.

So I checked some of the
Cronus guys' phones last night.

I couldn't find anything.

I really appreciate it, man. All of it.

Because if this doesn't
work, I'll be expelled.

And my whole future will be over.

Hey, I'll find something. I will.

No, you have to be careful, man.

If the Cronus guys find
out you're lying to them,

they'll do something way worse
to you than you did to me.

- Hey, Ade.
- Hey.

You know, it's weird,

now that my hair's back
to normal, I kind of

miss the skunk stripes.

Okay, look, I need to talk to you

about something that
happened the other night.

When I went back to the Offshore

and you guys were already gone,

I ended up talking to Mark for, like,

a really long time.

And we just... we really connected.

And he ended up coming home with me.

And if that bothers you,

then I will never see him again.

'Cause we made a pact I broke the pact,

and I'm really sorry. Ade.
I am. I'm really sorry,

and I hope that you can forgive me.

It's fine.


Silver, you've forgiven
me for a whole lot worse.

Besides, I think it was
actually really brave of you

to tell the truth.

So, we're good?

Yeah. I mean, why wouldn't we be?

All right, awesome.

Thank you.

I like you hair like this.