90210 (2008–2013): Season 1, Episode 19 - Okaeri, Donna! - full transcript

Donna Martin returns to Beverly Hills and pays a visit to her sister-in-law Kelly to talk about her life, while Kelly's relationship with her half-sister, Erin, becomes more strained over ...

"Previously on" 90210:

We're in two different places.
It's not your fault.

It's because we've grown apart.

Let's end this.

- Hey, Naomi.
- See, that's not fair.

You know my name,
but I don't know yours.

- Liam.
- Liam's a psychopath

and an awesome kisser.

You filmed us having sex?
What's wrong with you?

- I love you!
- Silver, listen.

I don't know
what's going on anymore.

You are the reason we are out here
looking for her right now.

She lives with you, Kelly,
not me. Okay?

You're the one who's supposed
to be taking care of her.

Silver, I know
what you're going through.

My mom used to go through
the same type of thing.

Silver has bipolar disorder,
just like my birth mom.

Oh, so, apparently, they're gonna be
recarpeting the school library.

Oh, yeah?

They're gonna be doing it
over spring break.

Spring break. Right.

I'm so out of it.

Is everybody psyched?

Yeah. Half of the senior class
is gonna be partying

on Jake Olson's uncle's yacht
in the Greek isles.

Supposedly his uncle also invited
Keith Richards,

one of the Pussycat Dolls...


Sure, thanks.

You know, you can have a second
if you like, Silver.

- They're low sugar.
- No kidding. No, thanks.

So are any underclassmen going
on this yacht shindig or?

You know what?
Can we change the subject,

maybe talk about something else
a little less stimulating?

I'm sorry. I don't mean to be a drag.

It's just someone with bipolar disorder
needs to maintain balance.

Right. You know, I totally get it.

Yeah. So, what's new?

How was your yesterday?

Let's see. I woke up, took my meds,
had breakfast with Kelly,

did my homework,

Took more meds,
wrote in my journal,

listened to some unstimulating music
and went to sleep.

It was a blast.

Structure's important, I'm sure.

Yes, it is.
Speaking of structure, Dixon,

I'm sorry, but I think
that's enough visiting for now.

Sure. No problem.

Kelly, can we get some privacy
to say goodbye?

Oh, sure. Yeah, of course.

- I'll come over tomorrow if you want.
- Dixon,

just take a breather.

Go somewhere for spring break.

I was thinking about it,

but the thought of leaving
when you maybe needed me

seemed kind of crazy.

It's okay. Just go.

Have some fun. I mean it.


I'll call you later?

Not after 8.

T- minus six hours
until spring break freedom.

Whatever. Who cares?

Call me the most perceptive brother
in the world,

but I think you're not totally
excited about said break.

It's just, you know,

me and Ethan were gonna spend
the whole vacation together

and do all of these fun L.A. Things
that we never have time to do

and then I was gonna get
my prom dress.

But now instead,
I'll just spend the whole time alone,

wallowing in my post-breakup funk.

Well, instead of wallowing,

how would you feel about
a little brother-sister road trip?

- Are you serious?
- Yeah.

Silver's pretty much holed up
with Kelly 24/7.

Now, come on,
I miss hanging out with you.

We used to do stuff together
all the time.

Ever since we got here, I don't know,

it just seems like
we don't have any one-on-one time.

I know. Well, road trip to where?

I was thinking Arizona.

- What's in Arizona?
- Adventure.

Oh, and about five water parks,
all within a 150-mile radius.

Water parks? Are you serious?

That's if you don't love
them anymore.

Oh, you bite
your blasphemous tongue,

but Mom and Dad are never gonna
let us go to Arizona alone.

Yeah, but they will let us go
to Grandma's house in Palm Springs.

Just saying.

I know how much you're all gonna
miss me over spring break.

So for those of you
who just can't bear it,

I still have a few slots left open on
my Habitat for Humanity trip.

- That volunteer house-building crap?
- Yeah,

otherwise known as a chance
to help victims

of the California wildfires
rebuild their lives.

Unless there's gonna be drunk chicks
doing body shots,

- I'm gonna stick with South Beach.
- You're such a pig, Jamie.

Thank you. Naomi, any interest?

Build houses for poor people,

have poor people wait on me
hand and foot in Cabo?

Tough choice.

Let me ask you this. How many times
have you been to Cabo?

Probably as many times
as you've been

to whatever discount shoe store
you frequent.

Don't any of you want to do something
different every once in a while?

You know, experience something
you haven't experienced before?

Learn something about yourselves?

I'll sign up.

- Seriously?
- Seriously?

Why not? I wanna experience things
I've never experienced before.

Take a risk for a change.

Me too. That's why I'm going to Vegas
with my dad's Black Card.

Sounds real meaningful.

Glad to have you, Ethan.
Will you pass that back?

I cannot believe we ever dated.

I mean, the fact that you find this trip
even remotely interesting is...

Hey, you.

- I didn't know you signed up for the...
- Watch it.

- Habitat for Humanity trip. I did too.

How excited are you about giving back
to poor people?

I'm in Matthews' Sociology elective,
and I cut a few classes.

He's making me go.
Otherwise, he's gonna fail me.

- It sucks.
- Yeah, I know, totally sucks.

I'm actually being made to go too,
by, you know, family.

But I guess, silver lining,

looks like we'll be able
to spend some time together.

Yeah, maybe.

See you later.

Silver? Are you okay?

I was in the shower.

For an hour?

Just looking for a little privacy.

All right. Here.

Okay, it's time for your mood chart.

Let's see here, it's 9:30.

What is your mood?


Okay, irritated. How irritated,
on a scale of one to ten?

I was at a four, but you asked me that,
brought me up to a six.

Six. Okay, then.

How would you like
to spend your time before bed?

- Would you like to journal?
- No, I would not like to journal.

Nor would I like to use
the word "journal" as a verb.


- What do you want to do, then?
- Nothing.

Just sit here in silence.

Okay, fine.

I'll get it.


Donna? Oh, my gosh.

Oh, Ruby, look at you.

Oh, you don't have
to take your shoes off.

Oh, I'm so used to doing it in Japan.

You know what?
I'll take whatever height I can get.

I don't wanna look like a pipsqueak
next to my half-sister-in-law

who is so grown-up
and so beautiful,

and, Silver, come here
and give me a hug.

- How are you?
- I've been better,

but I've been a lot worse.

And I'm so happy that you're here.

Don't worry, not too happy.

I'm happy to be here.

When Kelly told me
what you went through,

all I wanted to do is come to L.A.
And hug you.

- Thanks.
- Oh, what about your work?

Won't the entire Japanese fashion
world collapse in your absence?

Well, there'll probably be
a lot of Skypeing and e-mailing

to remind my employees
which end of the zipper

goes at the top of the dress,
but they'll survive.

I'm in L.A. I hugged Silver.

Now Ruby and I can go
check into a hotel.

No way.

Sammy's visiting Dylan,

- so you guys can stay in his room.
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- Okay, so, what can I get you?

We have juice, water, wine.

Oh, we have some amazing
sugar-free cookies.

They taste like Styrofoam.

That sounds delicious.

But you know what?
I'm gonna make you guys some tea.

We'll have our own little chanoyu,
which is the Japanese tea ceremony.

Look at you, all worldly and stuff.

Oh, shut up.

No, you're famous. You are.

Well, what can I say?
The French have Jerry Lewis,

the Japanese have Donna Martin.
Who knew?

Okay, you go make some tea

and then you can tell us
all about your glamorous life.

Yes, and do not leave out a sequin.

Actually, Silver,
you have to get to bed. Sorry.

Fine. Good night, Donna.


Night, Kelly.

I'll explain. I have a lot to tell you.

Okay, so we just have to call
Mom and Dad

in an hour and 45 minutes

and let them know
that we made it to Palm Springs.

Nice. You are one crafty sister.

I know. Brother-sister road trip.

Brother-sister road trip.

All right, so look, the first song
of a road trip, super important.

All right? Sets the whole tone.

You know what
we gotta listen to, right?

- "Seasons of love. "
- "No Sleep Till Brooklyn. "

- The Beastie Boys?
"- Rent?" Are you serious?

All right, look, look.

The driver controls the music,
passenger controls the snacks.

- May I have a refreshment, please?
- Oh, why, certainly, you may.

Yup, it is all yours.

Once I start hearing the sweet sounds
of the "Rent" soundtrack.

Don't, don't, don't...

All right, remember,
we have some time.

We have miles to go. Watch. Watch.

So just you and me.

How will we pass the time?

I got an idea.


Lots of sex, starting now.

- Starting later.
- No, no, no.

I have an assignment
for my photography class.

I have to line up a nude model.

Really? That's your response?

One "hubba" too many?

Sorry. You're right.

You know, sweetheart,
this is a professional undertaking

and I should behave accordingly.

I'd appreciate that.

You know something, sweetie?
I haven't watched you work

in a long time.

I wanna see the magic happen.

I bet you do.

Come on, they're starting.

Now, look, everyone, Susannah
here is a real stickler for rules,

and, you know, with good reason.

There's a lot of kids,
a lot of power tools.

I'm just saying I don't wanna
take anyone to the hospital.

Because I don't know where it is.


Play your cards right, maybe we'll get
some alone time together.

That's an oxymoron.

One last thing to be aware of,
this is Chumash country,

so if you find
any Native American artifacts

or anything that might be worth money,
go ahead and return that to me.

Hope we can find some
of that ancient Chumash weed.

I heard that stuff gets you
so messed up.

Are you talking about peyote?

Which Native Americans used
to expand their minds

and open themselves up
to revelations?

Because I wouldn't recommend it.

You might realize
what an idiot you are.

All right, guys, that's enough.
Introduce yourselves to Susannah.

She's gonna give you
your assignments.

Let's do some good here, you know?
Let's build a house.


Hey, you. Liking the trip so far?

Yeah. I mean, I'm excited for things
to get going, you know.

But definitely feels good
to do something different,

- bust out of my comfort zone.
- I totally get it. Listen.

If I said to someone, "I can't wait
to spend alone time together,"

and that person said to me,
"That's an oxymoron,"

what do you think
that person meant?

That it's an oxymoron
to be alone together.

No, not what he meant.
What he "meant" meant.

What are you talking about?

Okay, so I have this little thing
going with Liam.

I don't know.
He's playing it really close to the vest.

I think he's into me.
I mean, why wouldn't he be?

But then he says these cryptic things
like "maybe" and "that's an oxymoron,"

and I'm just like "what?"

So, what do you think?

I think, ideally,
you talk to someone else about this.

Who? The girls on this trip
are smelly granolas.

Seriously, they're wearing
utility sandals.

And not a single one of them
complimented me

on my adorable little shorts.

Hey, you could talk to Liam,
suss out what he thinks about me.

- Yeah, absolutely not.
- Great, so you'll think about it.

No. No, not doing it.

No, Monday is not good enough.
I need the samples by Friday.

Did you hear back from Paris?

Very impressive, Donna.

And also illegal.

You're not allowed to drive
and talk on the phone

at the same time anymore
without a Bluetooth.

Are you serious?

Well, I haven't been behind the wheel
for quite a while.

Oh, by the way,

the public transportation system
in Tokyo is so amazing.

- What?
- I just pictured you on the subway.

What? I love the subway.

Well, people change, I guess.
Oh, my gosh, speaking of change,

I drove by Now Wear This
the other day.

- Oh, our old store.
- Yeah.

Now it's a different kind of boutique,
specializing in medical marijuana.

- No way.
- Way.

Well, maybe if
we had sold hemp clothing,

we wouldn't have gone bankrupt.

- Yeah.
- Well, we tried, didn't we?

- Can't win them all.
- What are you talking about?

You won Japan.
You and David are like a power couple.

Hey, speaking of David, how is he?
You haven't said anything about him.

Oh, David is...
David is fabulous. Fabulous.

He just got a big promotion.

You know that girl rapper
he discovered,

- the 15-year-old from Osaka?
- Yeah.

She's totally blowing up.

Oh, you know what? We have to go
to Opening Ceremony and to Curve.

We have a lot of shopping to do.

Look I'm just saying, this is
the third time we've stopped already.

Maybe if you stopped drinking
so much Dr Pepper.

We're on a road trip.

Drinking Dr Pepper
is practically a requirement.

Then the next stop better have
a snack machine,

- because I need to be re-chippified.
- Hey, Dixon.

Thanks for suggesting this trip.
It's exactly what I needed.

Yeah, me too.

Put the paper down on the toilet.


Is Dana Bowen there?

Okay, well, do you know when
she'll be back from lunch?

No, no, it's cool.

I don't need to leave a message.

I'll come see her myself.

All right, thank you. Bye.

Okay, guys.

Pretty please? To make up for
you cheating on me with Annie.

- No, we were broken up.
- Let's not dwell on the details. It hurt.

Plus I'm going to keep bugging you
until you say yes.

I never get tired of bugging.
I could bug you all day.

Fine. Fine, I'll ask Liam
if he likes you, just so you'll shut up.

Hey, don't tell him I sent him,
or sent you, or that I like him.

In fact, don't mention me at all,

except to of course find out
if he likes me.

Just shut up.

Hey, man, I'm Ethan.

Good for you.

Well, hey, look,

I know this is, like,
an awkward question,

but do you

like Naomi?

Hey, so this must be the part where
the jealous ex-boyfriend comes over

and threatens the new guy.

You gonna punch me now?

No, I'm not gonna punch you.

Oh, come on.
Isn't that how you jocks roll?

Don't get me wrong,
I think it's adorable.

Unfortunately I'm not really in the
mood for a pissing contest now.

Hey, what's your problem? They run
out of black eyeliner at Rebels "R" Us?

Take it easy.
Don't go into a 'roid rage.

- Go to hell.
- Right back at you, man.

- The guy's an ass.
- Yeah, I know.

Does he like me?

I don't like when
they cut the octopus too thin.

Me either.

Okay, we have 45 minutes before
we have to pick up Silver from therapy.

So how are you holding up?

Well, I love Silver's doctors.

Both her psychiatrist
and her therapist are great.

She's responding well
to the medicine.

Kel, I didn't ask how Silver's doing.
I asked how you're doing.

It's been hard.

I can tell that Silver
resents my constant monitoring.

But I don't care. I am willing to
do whatever it takes to make it better,

even if it means
she ends up hating me.

- Excuse me.
- Thank you.

Octopus looks pretty good.

Yeah, see, to me,
it still looks like octopus.

Hey, guys, sorry to interrupt.
I just have to say I love your dress.

Oh, thank you.

Just spent the whole morning
trooping around stores

looking for something to wear
to this party.

Your dress is the first thing
I've seen I like.

- You're Diablo Cody, right?
- Yeah.

Diablo Cody. She wrote "Juno. "

Sorry. Maybe it didn't come
to Japan?

Oh, no, it did, but they called it
Teenage Mommy Girl.

No. You wrote "Teenage Mommy Girl?"
I loved that movie.

Thank you. I love your dress.

She designed it. Donna is amazing.

She's like the Stella McCartney
of Japan.

Minus the rock-star pedigree.
Well, and the rock-star baggage.

Who sells your stuff? I'd love to wear
one of your dresses to this premiere.

- No one around here, unfortunately.
- But she sews really fast. Don't you?

Yes, I have been known
to sew rather fast,

especially before
the Japanese Oscars.


All right, buckaroos,
you'll be staying in Cowhide.

If you need anything at all,

feel free to pick up the phone
and give a heehaw. Have fun.

Okay, maniac,
where did you find this place?

They were running a deal online.

Oh, no wonder.

So where should we begin?

I was leaning towards Oasis,
because it has an eight-story tower

and was voted one of the ten best
water parks by the Travel Channel.

But maybe we shouldn't
start with the best.

Dixon? Where should we start?
Oasis or Big Surf?

Look, I gotta tell you something.

We're not actually here
for the water parks.

My birth mom lives here.

Hey, so we met the woman
who wrote "Teenage Mommy Girl. "


- Diablo Cody?
- Yeah.

You met Diablo Cody?

Yeah, Donna's gonna design her dress
for some big premiere.

No way. I have been reading
her blog for years. She's my idol.

And I'm gonna style her too.
Well, because I'm such a control freak.

I wanna make sure she doesn't
pick out any crazy accessories.

Do you wanna come with me?
Maybe you can be my assistant.

Oh, really?

- Yeah.
- I would love it.

No, you guys. It's not a good idea.
It's, you know, a big red-carpet event

with all the people and paparazzi
and celebrities and limos and no.

- I just think it's too much.
- Kelly...

I'm sorry.
Silver, you just got out of the hospital.

Mood: Angry.

Level ten.

Yeah, you're not supposed
to break branches

off of living trees for kindling.

Look who it is.
The oxymoron himself.

And yes, I know what that means.

Aren't you the little philologist.

I need to get back to camp.

- I wish you wouldn't.
- Really? And why is that?

Because I can't do this at camp.

There you are.

So Liam and I did it in the woods.
He totally likes me. It's so obvious.

And yes, it was amazing.

- The things he did with his hands...
- Maybe just tell him this.

He went off to score some peyote.
Lame. He knows I hate drugs.

He is a bad, bad boy.

Hey, Mr. Matthews, so are we gonna
get a chance to explore the area?

Yeah, you know, unfortunately, I don't
think there's gonna be time for that.

So basically this whole trip
is just like school,

only with hot dogs and hammering?

And s'mores.

Come on, man,
what were you expecting?

I don't know.

To interact with different people,
to get different perspectives.

I just wanted something different
to happen, anything.

You said we were gonna learn
something new about ourselves.

Well, you learned
you don't like hammering.

Look, be patient, man.
Maybe you will.


I'm just saying you could've told me.

- I did tell you.
- No, you said "nude model. "

I assumed that you meant a woman.

That's not my fault.

Can you turn a little to the left?

- Do you have to get that close?
- Harry.

It's a legitimate question.

You got a naked man standing in front
of you with his schlong hanging out.

- I can hear you.
- Sorry, buddy.


And go back.

- Annie.
- Why don't you take that outside?

Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

- Okay.
- Hi, sweetheart.

- How's Grandma's house?
- Great. Great. Yes, terrific.

We are just sitting by the pool.
What are you guys up to?

Just working on a crossword puzzle.

Okay, well, then I will let you
get back to it. Have a good night.

- Tell Dixon we love him.
- I will do.

- Bye.
- That is really good.

- That's amazing.
- What the hell...?

Oh, my goodness.
These are gonna be so great.

- What's wrong?
- I didn't like lying to Dad like that.

We were already lying to him.
I mean, we're not in Palm Springs.

It's not the same thing
and you know it, Dixon.

Fine. I know.

But I couldn't tell Mom and Dad
about this, about my birth mother.

They would've made
some big deal of it.

Yeah, okay, maybe.
But why'd you lie to me?

You told me we were here
for water parks.

I was gonna tell you.
I just thought you might be upset.

No, well, you were right. I am.

- Or freaked out or something.
- Look, I just wanna see her.

- I wanna make sure she's okay.
- And if she is, then what?

- You gonna stay here in Arizona?
- Of course not.

Jeez, Annie.

I'm sorry, I know that.

Well, at least I think I know.

It's just you have this whole past,
this whole family,

this whole side of you
that I don't know.

Yeah, I get it.

I guess, in a way,

you know, there's a whole side of me
I don't even know.

And that's really weird.

I need to tell her I'm sorry.

For what?

After my grandma died
the social worker asked me

if I wanted to go back
and live with my mom,

or if I wanted to be adopted.

I was so mad with my mom
for being "crazy," you know?

So I chose adoption. I left her.


Ever since all this happened
with Silver,

I see things differently.

She had a disease.

It wasn't her fault.

So I just wanted to see
how she's doing and tell her I'm sorry.

- Hey, dude.
- What do you want?

I heard you might have some peyote?
I'll pay you for it.

Let me think.

- No.
- Why not?

Because I don't think
you can handle it.

Oh, yeah?

Well, how about this?

You give me some
or I'll tell Matthews you're holding.

- Think you can handle that?
- Blackmail, huh?

Not exactly keeping
with the ancient Chumash spirit.

Fine. I'll make the tea tomorrow night.
We'll drink it together.

No, thanks, man.
I think I'll be fine on my own.

Easy does it, jock.
This is a pretty hard-core experience.

You need a guide.
Someone to make sure you don't freak

and try to saw off
that prized Lacrosse arm.

That's the deal. Otherwise, no dice.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Sorry, did I wake you?

Oh, no. I had to go to the bathroom
and I saw the light on.

- Can I see?
- Of course, please.

I love this fabric.

So, what do you think of the dress?

It's gorgeous.

But I better get back to bed
before the warden realizes that I'm up.

Hey, Silver, hold on a sec.

I just wanna tell you a little story.

When I had my first runway show
in Japan, everything was going great.

Until this one model, Uko, refused
to wear the heels I picked out.

She went on and on about how
they're impossible to walk in.

I was furious. How dare she try
to ruin my show, right?

- Yeah, totally.
- Well, then I put on said heels,

walked two steps, fell flat on my butt.
Uko was totally right.

I thought she was trying
to ruin my show,

but she was really just trying
to make it good.

- Do you see what I'm trying to say?
- Yeah.

That Kelly and I should try walking
in each other's shoes.

That story works on two levels.

Yeah, well, Kelly's shoes suck.

So just give me a shout when
you're done and I'll come get you.

- I'm gonna explore.
- Sounds good.

That's her.


I can't.

Yes, you can.

No. No, I can't. I can't.

I thought I was ready to see her,
but I'm not. It's still too painful.

I wish I could go apologize to her.

But I'm just not ready yet.

Excuse me.
You are Dana Bowen, right?

- Yeah.
- I'm Annie.

I'm Dixon's sister.

My... My Dixon?


We drove here so he could see you.

He wanted to tell you something,
but then he got too nervous,

so I said I would do it.

Well, what?
What did he wanna tell me?

He wanted to apologize.

What does he have to apologize for?

When he was 8,
a social worker asked him

if he wanted to stay with you
or get adopted.

So he wanted to apologize
for choosing to leave.

- He thought that was his choice?
- Yeah.

He was an 8-year-old kid.

I mean, that social worker
might've asked him,

but believe me, I made the decision,
because it was what was best for him.

Well, I will tell him that.

Thank you.


Can you stay a minute?

Is he?

Is Dixon okay?

Dixon's great.

He's really great.

- How are you doing?
- Pretty good, you know.

I got a job, apartment.
I'm doing okay.

Yeah, he will be so glad to hear that.

So he finally
got himself a sister, huh?

You know, growing up
Dixon always wanted one.

He used to beg me
to buy him a sister at the hospital.

- Oh, really?
- Oh, yeah.

His little cousin, she left
a little baby doll at the house once.

Well, Dixon said she left it,
but I always thought he stole it.

He used to drag that doll around
calling it his sister.

Named her Mango.

- Mango?
- Mango.

That's so cute.

- How much longer till it kicks in?
- Any minute now.

Here's what Hunter Thompson
taught me.

Look at a fixed point in the horizon,
and start taking deep breaths.

Faster. Oxygen helps activate
the mescaline.

You should be feeling it now.

Empty your mind. Really empty it.

Check out that coyote.

- What coyote?
- There was just a...

There was just...

Am I tripping?

Right on.

And that wasn't a coyote.
That was a peyote coyote.

It's time to close your eyes.

- Now, picture your own face.
- Okay.

And go into the image of your face
till you're looking into one of your eyes.


What is your expression
on the face within your face?

I think I'm frowning.

Whoa, that's surprising.

Yeah, it's not how people see me.

But it's the face within the face.

- You know what I'm saying?
- I think so.

People think I'm someone different
than I am.

Let me ask you something.

- Why do you smile?
- I smile because...

Because I don't wanna
cause trouble for anyone.

I don't wanna
make anyone's life harder.

Not my teachers.

Not my coaches,
definitely not my parents.

My brother's autistic so they need me
to be easy and not make any waves.

I don't wanna cause any conflicts.

So I just pretend like I'm fine,
even when I'm not.

It's like a habit I guess,
but I'm tired of it.

I'm tired of always being
the good guy.

I'm tired of feeling like a phony.

Okay, you are making this dress
look so good.

Please, this dress
is making me look good.

You've got to open a store in L.A.,
Donna. Seriously, we need you here.

- How'd you get that past me?
- What?

Diablo, it's time to hit the red carpet.
Let's go. Let's go.

Oh, wait. Hold on one sec.
Hold on. Wait, wait, wait.

- Let's go.
- Wait, wait.

The stars are
on the red carpet tonight.

Right now I'm being joined
by Oscar winner Diablo Cody.

- Nice to see you. Looking fantastic.
- Nice to see you too.

- Is that...?
- Donna.


Donna is on the red carpet.

Tell me a little bit about your dress.

This is a Donna Martin. Yeah, actually
I have the designer here with me.

Donna, perfect.
Tell me a little bit about your style.


Hi, everybody. Sorry.

Okay, Diablo,
the question I have to ask you...

Oh, my God.

You're actually not going
to believe it, but God knows.

Probably monster-truck racing.

We haven't laughed like this
in a while.


I know you think I'm too strict,

but we can't forget what happened.

And I don't. Believe me,
I don't forget about it for an instant.

I have this to remind me every day.

But I don't want my whole life
to be about that.

You know, Donna used to work
with this model named Uko...


- She told you that story too?
- Yeah.

All right, look,
you were right about the premiere.

It would've been too much for me,

but I still need some spontaneity
in my life.

Even it's just deciding to put on a
face mask and bake some cookies,

watch a horror movie.

What do you say we put on
a face mask, bake some cookies?

And watch a horror movie?

Don't push it.

Come on.

Yeah, no more phoniness,
no more faking it.

From now on, if I'm upset about stuff
people are gonna know it.

I'm talking a lot.
Am I ruining your high?

No, it's pretty profound going along
with someone else's trip.

I'm gonna take a leak.

This stuff's delicious.

- Damn.
- Liam?


Over here.

- I jacked my ankle.
- Oh, man, you look weird down there.

- Will you give me a hand?
- Sure.

No, no, wait.

That's what the old Ethan would've
done. Helped out, been the good guy.

- What if this is some cosmic test?
- This isn't a cosmic test.

How do you know it's not a test?

- Because you didn't take peyote.
- What?

You worked all day
inhaling paint fumes,

you had a few too many beers
and you drank some herb tea.

You were screwing with me?

Yeah. My bad.

Now, can you get me out of here?


If you can't bring Muhammad
to the mountain...


Diablo Cody is in my house
and my face is a crusty puke fest.

I once knew a stripper
named Crusty Puke Fest.

Oh, my God. I love your dress,
I love your movie. I love your TV show.

- Thank you.
- I love your blog. I love your book.

Oh, my God, I love your hair.

We have to get a picture.
Would you mind doing the honor?


- Diablo Cody.
- Okay.

Look, I tried to score peyote
and I couldn't.

I messed with you because
I don't respond well to threats.

And because you're a douchebag.

Okay, that too.

You wanted a self-revelation
and you got one.

You just weren't high. Hallucinogens
aren't all they're cracked up to be.

- Thanks, Dr. Drew.
- I'm serious.

Last time I dropped acid,
I lost it and tried to cut my arm off.

I would've cut to the bone
if my girl hadn't stopped me.

- Whoa, that's...
- Crazy?

No kidding.

Now you know something
about me, okay?

So we're even.

I knew you were gonna punch me
sooner or later.

Go to hell.

It's so nice having you here.

Not to be selfish,
but sometimes it really sucks

having my best friend
live halfway around the world.


You know, I've actually been toying
with the idea of opening a store in L.A.

Who knows? Maybe L.A.'s ready
for me now. Hemp or no hemp.

Oh, that would be amazing.
Do you think David would go for it?

Donna, what's going on?

David and I are separated.

I'm sorry.

You have the worst taste in music.

Don't say that. I am your Mango.

I swear to you, I do not remember
anything about that doll.

Oh, Mango thinks you do.


thank you so much for talking to her.

You know, because if you hadn't,

I still would've been feeling bad
and really guilty.

And next time,
when I am ready to talk to her,

will you come back with me again?

Of course.

Hey, you.

I thought maybe
you could give me a ride.

Your house on the way to Ethan's?

Excuse me?


You're giving him a ride?

Forget it. I have my car here,
I just remembered.

And I just remembered
how hot you were in the woods,

so don't worry,
you'll be getting that ride very soon.