8 Simple Rules (2002–2005): Season 3, Episode 7 - Coach - full transcript

Leo, you're in here the
same time every day.

You don't have the
flu or a stomach ache...

Or a rash.

The only thing making
you sick is geometry.

Now go back to class.

Fine. Same time tomorrow?

Go!

Hey, how's the mood in there?

You better have a
rash she can see.

-Hi, mom.
-Hey, honey.

Aren't you supposed to
be at the tennis tryouts?



Mom...

listen...

I know how much you
appreciate honesty,

and I respect you too much
to tell you some dumb story,

so here's the truth.

I was in chemistry
class, a beaker broke,

and now I think I have
malaria of the prostate.

You know, there's
only one cure for that

Tennis!

I just don't want to play.

Honey, you are so good at it,

and every year the team
begs you to come back.

Besides, the new coach
is supposed to be terrific.

But I'm so busy with
student council and school,



and I finally got my
nails the way I want them.

Bridget;

Tennis could help
you get into a good college.

Not that the universities
won't be impressed

with your groundbreaking work

in the field of
malarial prostates.

Fine, I'll try it.

But can you just
check out this rash?

Go!

So, how do I look?

Incredible,
intimidating, awesome.

No, I meant my skirt.

It's going to be so great
having you on the team this year.

Oh, thanks, but I'm
only here for one day

'cause I promised my mom
I'd try out, and then I'm done.

We'll have fun.

And we have a shot at the
championship with this new coach.

I don't' care about a
championship or a new coach.

I have way more important things

to do with my life
than play tennis.

Hi, I'm coach McAllister.

-Are you okay?
-Yes.

Oh, I live for this game.

That actually
stung a little bit.

Hi, I'm sergeant Jim Egan,

and this is the story of
my military record in Korea.

It was the winter of 1952-

[C.J.] Hey; What are you guys doing?

We're line-dancing.
What does it look like?

I'm shooting an oral
history project for school.

-It's about war heroes.
-Oh, yeah?

Is grandpa sitting on one?

Can we get on with this?

Sorry, grandpa.

And, action!

I'm sergeant Jim Egan, and
this is the story of my military-

[C.J.] If you want to talk to a real
war hero, you should talk to me.

For God's sake!

That's right; Gulf
war, aerial recon.

There's nothing braver
than coming face-to-face

with a photograph of the enemy.

I'd like to see you
sit in a dark room

looking at hundreds of
photos with a flashlight.

Hey, maybe I'm a hero.

You want to know what life
was like on the front lines.

Why don't you just go
down in the basement

and look through my footlocker?

It's got my boots,
my old helmet,

even some 78 records that
we used to make to send home.

-Records?
-Yeah

They were like letters to let
the folks know we were okay.

Sorry, C.J.; I'm
going with grandpa.

Why? 'Cause he has
some boots and old records?

I have a satellite photo
of Bin Laden's hiding place.

I should probably
give that to someone.

O.M.G., Kerry! My new
tennis coach is such a hottie.

And not just a 'hot
hottie'; A "Super-Hot Hottie",

Accent on the "Hot"!!

Kerry, I'm not kidding.
I think I'm in love.

Bridget, you fall in love
with a new guy every week.

No, no. This is different.I never
felt the way I do around Scott.

I mean.. I get dizzy, I can't
concentrate, I'm flustered.

I haven't thought about
shopping all day long.

So what do you
think's going to happen?

I guess I'll have to send
you out shopping for me.

I mean with Scott.
He's your coach.

For now, but soon I will
join the pro tennis tour

We'll travel all over the
world, and fall madly in love.

All I have to do is graduate,

and I do that at the end of
the year, if I pass chemistry.

Oh, my God; Maybe this
is just an impossible dream.

Let's say that you do graduate
before your coach retires.

What makes you think he's
even going to notice you?

Oh, Kerry; I truly believe Scott
and I are supposed to connect

on a deep spiritual level.
And if that doesn't happen,

I'll do my
hair-flip-giggly thingy.

Good luck with that.

You'll see, Kerry.

This isn't just a
schoolgirl crush.

This guy's my soul mate.

You are looking at the future

Mrs. Scott
Mc-something...or...other.

I didn't really catch it.

I've seen the tapes
of your matches,

and we all need to work
on our ground strokes, okay?

And you, with the hair.

Uh, Bridget Hennessy.
Bridget Hennessy.

You might want
to try a headband.

Okay, let's start
with a little drill.

Anybody want to go first?

Bridget Hennessy
reporting for duty.

I bet you have a very
unorthodox technique.

-Why do you say that?
-You don't have a racket.

Okay; Come here.

I want you to bounce the ball

and just drive it
right down the line.

Oh, that was great,
that was great.

Now, let's see if we can get
your racket back a little further.

Just reach all the way back

so you can really
let it whip around.

Can you show me?

Here. How's that feel?

That feels right.
That feels so right.

Here, take the ball.

You guys are going to notice
a huge difference in power.

When I tell Bridget to go,

just notice how she
comes straight --

god, I am so sorry!
Are you okay?

I'm good.

Like I said, huge
difference in power.

Leo; I know you want me

to think you're
going to throw up...

But I have kids,
I know this trick.

So just swallow the oatmeal
and get back to geometry.

Fine.

Hi.

Hi.

Oh... I'm.. I'm Scott McAllister.
I'm the new tennis coach.

I'm Kate Hennessy.

My daughter Bridget
is on your team.

Your daughter is why I'm here.

She hit me in the
ribs with her racket.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Here, let's get this jacket off.
-Okay

I'm going to need
a little help. Agh..

Just do it really slow.

Yeah, well, that's
what I was thinking.

Uh...

-Wow.
-Bad?

Well, let's see.

-Is it broken?
-Just take a deep breath.

Uh...one more?

For insurance.

Yeah, well, I-I don't
think it's broken,

but you're going to
have a nasty bruise.

-Ow. Do I sound like a baby?
-No.

When you're done, can I have
some chocolate ice cream?

You know, it's
funny you say that.

When I was a kid, every
time I would hurt myself,

I wanted chocolate ice cream.

So I just started falling
down on purpose,

which was fun,

until my parents made me
wear a helmet everywhere.

Well...You're done.

Really? You don't want to
take my blood pressure

or hit me in the knee
with a little hammer?

No, I think the Hennessy girls

have done enough
damage to you for one day.

Okay. Well, thanks, Cate.

Well, yeah, I --
you know, I'm here,

and this is what I do.

Okay, well, um,

See ya!

See ya. See ya.

-Cate?
-Uh, yes?

I'm new in town.

Do you think you and I
could go out sometime?

You could show me the best
place to get chocolate ice cream.

Well, I'm on my way to
my fat busters meeting.

You?

Yeah, it's a great
place to meet chicks.

By the way, that
pasta's 22 pudgy points.

Something's different about you.

No, it's not.

Oh, Please; You're
stirring that sauce

with long, languid,
circular motions,

when usually it's tight, little,

frantic figure eights.

Somebody needs a job.

Oh, no, you can try to deny it,

but I studied aerial
photography in the Gulf war.

My eye for detail is unfailing.

So, you can tell
me what's going on,

or you can lay on the ground.

I'll figure it out for myself.

All right.

This really cute,

much younger guy
just asked me out.

That's the way you want
to play it --on the ground!

C.J.!

I never would have
believed it myself.

It's Bridget's new tennis coach,

and he's gorgeous

And funny and charming...

and gorgeous!

And he asked me out.

Well, good for you, 'foxy brown'.

I told him no.

What you talkin' about, 'foxy'?

He's too young and
we work together.

Oh, who cares? Come on.

Go out with the tennis
coach, aunt Cate.

You deserve a little fun.

Let's face it, you're
not getting any...

Fun around here.

You know, C.J.; the truth is

I'm still not ready
for anything like that.

Oh, yeah? Why
the crazy stirring?

Well, that's a
whole other thing.

What? You can tell me.

Come on!

Well,

C.J.; I felt something

that I haven't felt
for a long, long time.

I mean, when I was standing
in the room with Scott,

my palms got sweaty,
my face got flushed.

I was just so
incredibly...

turned on..

and it made me feel so...

Scared.

No

No. No, not exactly --

No, no, I'm scared. I gotta go.

These are the artifacts
of sergeant Jim Egan,

a real war hero.

What have we here?
This is his helmet.

What must it have
felt like to be in battle?

Dark?

What have we here?

These records
were sent back home

so loved ones would know
their soldiers were okay.

Let's here what one of these
brave men had to say, shall we?

[Jim:] Is this thing on?

My dear Laura: Don't despair.

I know these last few years
have been very hard on you,

but don't worry -- I'll be
home soon, very soon,

because tomorrow
my best buddy Stinky's

going to shoot me in the foot.

Ohh!

If you actually
want that to bleed,

I could stick you
with something.

I was trying to
see if I could...

Hey; Did you change your
mind about the ice cream?

No, I'm just looking for Bridget.
-Oh

-She left about 10 minutes ago.
-What?

Oh; She's supposed
to give me a ride home.

-She's got my car.
-That's too bad.

I could give you a lift home.

No, Scott, I don't think
that that's a good --

Just a ride;
Point "a" to point "b."

Come on, what are you
going to do? Take a cab?

Hitchhike?

Okay, fine.

Okay. Thanks.

But if we do pass a
great ice cream place,

could you at least point it out?

Look, I just don't get it.

This guy I like at school will
not give me a second look.

-Is hot out this year?
-I wish.

Listen, in my experience,

if you're coming
on really strong

and all you're getting
back are dead eyes,

there's only one explanation

they're gay.

No, not this guy.

Ah, you'd be surprised.

95% of the girls I hit on --gay.

Believe me, he's into women.

Maybe he already has one.

No.He just moved here. I've
never seen him with anyone,

and there are no
pictures on his desk.

What high school kid has
pictures on their desk anyway?

No, he's not a student.
He's my new tennis coach.

-He's your what now?
-My tennis coach.

I couldn't hear you
'cause of all the glare.

Well...

That was fun.

Just for the record,
all I did was drive.

You're the one that
suggested the ice cream.

You'd already parked in
front of the ice cream place

and shut off the engine.

It seemed like my only option.

Why are you sitting over here?

What do you mean? It's
the best seat in the house.

You just want me to
move so you can sit here.

-What's going on out there?
-Nothing.

Wanna shoot hoops
in the driveway?

Come on. It's fun.

Listen, since we've already
had an accidental date,

How'd you like to
try one on purpose?

You know what?

I'd like that a lot.

Great.

What is she doing with him?

Nothing, nothing.
Probably just a ride home.

That doesn't explain
the walking up the steps

and the laughing
and the ice cream.

She won't be laughing
when she finds out

that ice cream's
36 pudgy points.

If nothing's going on, then
why is she so damn happy?

She's not happy at all.

Hi, everybody! I'm home!

It's a sugar high.

-Okay, what's going on?
-What are you talking about?

Uh --you, my coach.

Oh, well, he just
gave me a ride home

because somebody
forgot to pick me up.

Oh, that's it? He gave
you a ride straight home?

What, in his ice cream truck?

What is wrong with her?

Well, uh, you know,
your dessert buddy --

Bridget is kind of totally,
super in love with him.

Oh, my God!

Oh...

And I just agreed to
go on a date with him.

What am I going to do now?

Wanna shoot hoops?

You know, it's frightening
how well you know me.

All right, I'll get the ball.

Honey, C.J. Just told
me about your crush.

I don't have a crush.
I have a life plan.

Well, whatever
it is, I didn't know.

And that must have
looked really weird,

seeing us both on
the porch like that.

I just wanted to reassure you

there is nothing going
on with me and Scott.

Oh, now it's 'Scott'?

Well, that's his name.

We're both adults.
That's what I call him.

And what about all the laughing
and the secret ice cream?

It wasn't secret.
We were having fun.

Fun? And I supposed you
don't find him good-looking.

I'm not blind.

I noticed that he
was good-looking.

I am a woman.

You're not a woman,
you're a mother!

I hate to tell you,
but you can be both.

Or are you unclear on
how I became a mother?

Ew!

Look, now, Bridget,
isn't this a good thing

that I'm actually
attracted to a man?

I thought that this might
never happen again.

Great, great, you're
attracted to men again.

What? Are you two
going to start dating?

No.

We're just friends.
Nothing happened.

And nothing's going to happen?

Right.

And nothing's going to happen.

Come in.

Come on. We're losing the light.

Let's go.

Sergeant Jim Egan
reporting for duty.

Wind that thing
up, and let's go.

Yeah, I think we
have enough, grandpa.

Come on. I put my uniform on.

I couldn't get into the pants,

but I thought it would
lend some authenticity.

Yeah, authenticity's good.

I was going to tell you
how I got my purple heart.

That was my ticket
home, you know.

We know all about
your ticket home.

You told us you were on
patrol and got shot in the butt.

Yeah, that's exactly
what happened.

We heard the record, grandpa.

We know you had your buddy
stinky shoot you in the foot.

You heard that, huh?

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

Come on, come on. Sit down.

Let me tell you a little
something about war.

That day we'd come
under heavy attack

and a couple of my
buddies got hurt real bad,

and...

Well, I was ...

I was scared,

I was homesick,
and that night --

and I'm not proud of
this -- but I got drunk,

real drunk...

Dance-with-stinky drunk.

And we made that recording,

but I never had stinky
shoot me in the foot.

-Really?
-Really.

The next morning, I sobered up,

and I joined my buddies
back up on the line.

So, you didn't make
up all this hero stuff?

Of course not.

If I'm going to make up
some story to make me a hero,

would I make up a story
where I got shot in the ass?

I'm really not kidding
this time, Mrs. Hennessy.

I got a headache, and
I feel kind of nauseous.

Well, you know,

you actually do feel warm.

I've got just the thing.

Arm or butt?

Geometry.

Hey. I got your message.
Is everything okay?

Oh, hi.

Come on in.

Uh, Scott,

I can't go out with you.

Why? What happened?

Well, I had some time to think,

and I guess I just got
swept away yesterday.

That could be a good thing.

It was a good thing...

It was a great thing.

But for a lot of reasons,
it's just too complicated.

Because I'm Bridget's coach.

That might have a little
something to do with it.

Bridget really loves

being on the team,

and I wouldn't
want to do anything

that would make
her feel awkward.

She's not that good. I
could cut her from the team.

I'm kidding. She's
my best player.

But I'd still cut her.

Okay, I get it.

I don't want to do anything
that will make you feel awkward.

Thanks for understanding.

And thank you for...

a terrific...

day.

So, I guess I'll see
you around campus.

Yeah.

So, what was that?

Uh...

I just really wanted to
see if my lips still worked.

They do.

Uh...Bye, Scott.

Aw, look at him. He's sleeping.

I feel so guilty for
ever doubting him.

I know, he was
scared and homesick,

and he still went
back to the front lines.

That's a real hero.

-Check his feet.
-I'm on it.

I didn't do it.

-Hey.
-Hey.

I see the stirrings
are back to normal.

Things are fine.

Well, I'm off to my first
meeting of grieving pet owners.

You don't have a pet.

Not anymore.

Sniff....

Pretty good, huh?

That is terrible.

Don't judge me. I'm
helping those cat ladies.

Hey, mom! Can I talk to you
for a second? -Sure honey

Look, I was totally
off base before

when I saw you and
my coach together.

I just freaked out, but
I want to apologize.

Well, thank you.
I appreciate that.

And P.S., I was completely nuts

to think you and him
would ever be together.

No offense, mom, but in
what whacked-out world

would hot, young
Scott be into you?

Mmm...yeah.
That's crazy.

Crazy.

---oOo---