8 Simple Rules (2002–2005): Season 3, Episode 4 - Out of the Box - full transcript

What are you doing?

Filling in a questionnaire
for speed dating.

Speed dating?

Basically, you sit
at a table at the mall

and have a series of 5-minute
dates with different women.

And how is that different
from all your other dates?

They ring a bell at the end.

But you still go home alone.

Speed dating sounds like
something for desperate people

who want to have a relationship

without having to get
to know each other.



You don't have to sell
me, 'Baby'. I'm there.

Hey, you guys.

I got great news.

Mine's better.

My art project was chosen
out of a hundred submissions

to be displayed at the mall.

They're making glitter
mascara in my shade.

Did you hear that,
'gang'? In her shade!

My winning project
is a statement

about the
objectification of women.

It's a transparent box
big enough for me to sit in.

Oh, Kerry, I don't even
think you could fit in that box.

This is a model. The
actual one is much bigger.

Anyway,



I'm making a point
about men seeing women

as shiny objects admired
only for their superficial beauty.

Honey, that is just so-

Wow! that stuff really
makes your eyes sparkly.

Mom!

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

I'm so proud. I'm so proud.

This is exactly what
my project is all about.

I mean, look at you
tarting yourself all up.

Everything you do is to
get the attention of guys.

It's also to make
other girls jealous.

Mom!

So very proud.

This is so typical of my life

I do something really important,

and then Bridget just
bats her glittery eyes,

and nothing else matters.

Mom! You're not gonna
believe what just happened.

I was on my way, and I
heard this engine sputter.

And I looked up,

and this plane landed
right in the middle of the-

Bridget;

Your eyes,
they're beautiful.

Hey, forget about that.

Kerry got on the Chess
Club or something.

Over there, grandpa;
you missed a spot.

To the left.

No, to my left.

Well, don't get snippy.

In my day, women were oppressed,

but they didn't go down to
the mall and shout about it.

No, they ironed
and drank in secret,

and everyone was happy.

I know I was.

So, this is the
project that beat me.

Oh, my God! You're Tyler McBain.

You won last year.

And the year before, but...

yours looks intriguing.

Well, it's not done yet.

Good. I did "Old man
polishing a box" 2 years ago.

I loved that.

I was partially
inspired by that.

Well, why don't I come
back when you're all set up?

I'd love to get a closer look.

Cool.

Oh, I'm Kerry.

See you later, Kerry.

Honey; Who was that
kid you were flirting with?

I was not flirting.

That is Tyler McBain!
He's an artistic legend!

Oh, my God! I can't
believe someone like him

would be interested in my work.

I knew he looked familiar.

A couple of years ago,

he gave me 50
bucks to Polish a box.

Hey, can I talk to
you for a second.

Wait. This is very important.

I'm playing match the
butt to the teen star.

10 out of 10. I'm like
a 'butt genius'! -Hey

Listen, I'm doing
this speed-dating thing,

and since you and I

are the two most successful
daters in the house-

When was your last date?

Anyway; Listen, um, I...

I could use your advice.

Change the pants.
Lose the beard. Get a job.

Oh, and use a moisturizer.

Thanks, but I'm serious.

What's in it for me?

First: If I get a date,
I'll be around here less.

-Second: -
-Sold.

Listen, in speed dating,
you only got 5 minutes,

and I got to come
out of the box. Boom!

All right, when I'm into a guy,

I give him a
little shot of this.

What? That's ridiculous.

Lips! Stop the lips!
What are you doing?!

-Don't do that in my mirror! What?
-You don't like the lips?

No! You look like that
old rolling stones guy.

Oh.

Awesome!

I am so sorry you
had to see that.

Yo! Hennessy; what's happening?

Hey, just hanging out, you know?

Well, come with us. We're
gonna go check out the arcade.

Oh, I'll catch up with you.

I'm kind of waiting on a lady.

All right, dog.

So, honey, racecars
or dinosaurs?

Mom!

Uh, they're not for him.

[Boy] Go with the racecars.

Hey!

It's been like 2 hours.
Anybody looked at this thing?

There's been people.

Why don't you fill it with water

and then see how long
it takes you to escape?

It's art, not a magic trick.

I don't know.

You sure made the
people disappear.

Ha ha ha.

Why don't you just run
along, go buy some makeup?

Kerry, I'm not kidding.
If you want people to stop

and look at this, you
can't be so boring in there.

Move around; put on a
sho; a little razzle-dazzle.

Something like this...

Or like this.

Oh, so maybe I
should just install

a big silver pole in here.

Now you are thinking.

Bridget, if I want help
with lipstick or shoes,

I will give you a call,
but when it comes to art,

I think I know what
people want to see.

You don't have a clue.

Oh, yeah?

You think I don't know what
people want to see?! Pshh!

Get out of there! You're
ruining everything!

Ruining it? People are
finally looking at it, okay?

I don't have a clue, huh?

Oh, my God, Bridget,
do you really need

another excuse to
get more attention.

You can't talk to
me like that. I'm art.

This is my thing! Now get out!

Litte girl; Can you get out of
the way? We want to see this.

What's going on there babe.

Now, are you
wearing space pants?

'Cause your ass
is out of this world.

You should see
me in bicycle shorts.

How long have you been there?

Oh, somewhere between
"What up, baby girl?"

And "you put the
fizzle in my dizzle."

Listen, I'll have them
lining up around the block,

especially when they see this.

Very impressive, but I think

you're supposed to put

the big bill on the outside.

The big bill is on the outside.

What a great idea
putting Bridget in the box.

I didn't put Bridget in the box.

She got in when I took a break,

and now the whole
thing is a disaster.

Well, just a little disaster,

and the people really
seem to be enjoying it.

They're not supposed
to enjoy it. It's art.

Stop it!

All right, all right.
Honey, just calm down.

-I'll get her out of the box.
-Try filling it with water.

Where are you going?

Away from here. I don't
want anybody to know

I had anything to do
with that embarrassment.

-Bridget, time to get out of the box.
-What?!

Honey, it's Kerry's pro-

It's Kerry's project.

Now, I know you didn't
intend to be mean,

but, you know, let's face it,

you have a history of
stealing your sister's thunder.

But, mom, this is fun.

I want you out of there now.

[People] Oh...oh..no...

All right, all right, all
right. 5 more minutes.

There you are. I saw
your "Woman in a box."

-Oh, I can explain.
-Shh.

I totally get what
you were going for.

You do?

The objectification of women.

And that perfectly plastic
blonde you put in there --

Oh, my God; Brilliant choice.

Thank you.

You have...

You have no idea what I
went through to find her.

You know...

This is something I don't
say to a lot of girls, but...

I really get you. And I
think you could get me.

You want to go out sometime,
maybe get some coffee?

I like coffee.

Can I get a scone?

Are you wearing space pants-

What? Come on.

I got 4 minutes
and 56 seconds left.

Ooh, you are putting
a fizzle in my di...

...zzle.

So I laid down the
law with my mom.

I said, "Listen, Cate"

I call her that when I'm
laying down the law

I said, "From now on,
when I'm doing my thing,

you got to stay
out of my grill."

So, you don't have to call
in or meet her or anything?

Dude, I told her

I do not need adult
supervision at the mall.

Oh, hey, champ, I thought
I saw you over here.

Aha. I got your favorite
extra sprinkies.

That's what he calls
them "Sprinkies"

'cause when he was little, he
couldn't pronounce "Sprinkles."

Wait, guys!

'Thanks', grandpa.

Now I'm the biggest
loser in the mall.

No. You're not the
biggest loser in the mall.

Hey!

Hey!

I have never said "Sprinkies."

Yes, you did.

You think I'm gonna forget

the cute things
my grandson said?

Hey, take my place
at speed dating.

I don't want to lose my
turn. I'm on fire today.

Ooh, sprinkies.

Maybe it was him.

Hey, aren't you the
girl from the box?

-Yeah.
-I enjoyed watching you.

Well, everybody
does. I'm Bridget.

I mean, I'm Bridget.

It takes someone with real
depth to pull off that plasticity.

Totally.

I know something deep
was going on in there.

I mean, what were you
thinking about in that box?

Oh, war, suffering,
but mostly puppies.

Wow.

You know, I don't
say this to a lot of girls,

but I really get you, and I
think you could really get me.

Want to go out sometime?

I don't know what kind
of girl you think I am,

but I don't go out with anyone

unless I know them
just a little better.

And I don't even know your name.

-I'm Tyler.
-How about tonight, Tyler?

In my day, yeah we
took a girl out on a date.

We bought her candy
and flowers. I like roses

and then drove
her out to the lake

to that special spot under
the pines, and we talked,

and not in 5-minute increments.

Okay, She got the $5,

but I got most of the $1s back.

So, now that you've
spent a few minutes

with the museum
of natural history

How about a little modern art?

I'm sorry. Could
you leave us alone?

I'm talking to this gentleman.

But he's not even...
I'm the one.

But, come on. You're --

Dah!!

Kerry, okay, before
you say anything,

I am so sorry I stole
your art project at the mall.

It's your thing, not mine.
Please don't be mad at me.

It's okay. I'm not mad.

Well, you were really
pissed off this morning.

Well, you know us artists.

We get all moody 'cause of

paint fumes and everything.

But I'm over it.

You're over it?

I stole your scrunchie
like 6 years ago,

and you never let
me live that down.

Okay, fine.

I met a guy.

Really?

Yeah, and he
thinks I'm brilliant

for putting you in the box,

and so now I'm
gonna go with that.

Wow. And I thought this box was

the most important
thing in your whole life.

I know.

I am the world's
biggest hypocrite,

and I've sold out everything
I believe in for a guy.

Oh, Kerry, we are sisters.

[Cate:] Girls, dinner!

Oh, Rory, I just bought
you that shirt, and it's just-

Mom; Would you stop doing that?

I'm not 5 years old.

I don't need 'race_car' pajamas,

I don't need you to
hold my hand at the mall,

and I don't need
my napkin tucked in.

I just need you to start
treating me like an adult.

I'm sorry.

Thanks.

Now, can I please
have more "Psketti"?

That's right! You are
'Psketti'; You were 'Sprinkies',

and you just loved 'to
go peepee' in the garden.

Don't you have a date?

Oh, yeah, I'm gonna have to go.

Where are you taking her?

Well, I thought a
drink and a movie

and then, you know...

Who knows?

Uh, just a reminder,

I'm over my "I want
a little sister" phase.

You know, I don't get it.

I strike out a million
times in a row.

This guy steps up
once, gets a home run.

What's the secret?

Well, C.J., I just
try to be myself.

I don't try to dress
it up and sell it.

Then, if that doesn't work,

I tell some cock-and-bull
story about a lake.

No hard feelings, right?

I forgot about it already.

Oh...

Looks like our 5 minutes are up.

Don't wait up.

The guy's an inspiration.

I hope I'm still getting
dates when I'm his age.

I hope you get a date
before you're his age.

Hey, what took
you girls so long?

Oh, we were just talking.
You know, a little sister time.

Ah, so everything is okay again?

Yes, we realize it's really dumb

to fight over petty things.

We are way more
mature than that.

And we both met great guys!

Oh, ho... That's wonderful!

-I'm going out tonight.
-And I'm going out tomorrow night.

Okay, I get it! I'm the
only one not going out!

C.J., Let it go.

I've let it gone.

Well, there's the asparagus.

So, where did you
meet these guys?

-At the mall.
-At the mall.

And what's their names?

-Tyler.
-Tyler.

McBain?

Oh, my God!

Wait. You --ooooowW!

How could you do this to me?

What?! I didn't do anything to you!

-Girls
-You do what you always do!

God! Is there any part of my life
you don't want to take away from me?!

I don't want your hair.

That's right,
Bridget, make a joke.

Well, it's not a joke to me.

You know what?

Just take it all. I give up.

I'll just disappear.

That's why I don't date.

Yeah,; That's why.

Bridget, why don't you just
call this Tyler and cancel?

Why are you taking her side?
I didn't do anything wrong?

I know you didn't.

It's complicated.

It has to do with the
kind of person you are

and the kind of person Kerry is.

I'm gonna break it
down for you, 'Bridgie'.

There's 2 types of people
in this world. All right?

There's the good
people, the solid people,

like Kerry and your mom here,

and then there's us.

-Us?
-Yeah.

The beautiful people.

Yeah.

We burn hot, baby,
red-hot, all right?

But every now
and then, we got to

Turn the heat down a little bit

so the good people can
throw off a spark or two.

We would be so grateful.

Honey, why don't you call
this Tyler and cancel for Kerry?

I mean, he's obviously
not the world's greatest guy.

But, mom, he's so cute,

and we're not even sure
it's the same Tyler McBain.

Bridget!

Mom, I haven't had a
boyfriend this entire year.

It's been a year?
Well, I feel a little better.

Let me go at this
from a different angle.

Just imagine, for one minute,

what it would be like to
be Bridget's little sister.

Oh, my god. I'd
have the coolest,

hottest older sister
in the whole world.

And there'd be a
few other things

You wouldn't be the
girl that gets all the guys.

You wouldn't be the girl that

everything comes so easily to.

And you wouldn't be the

most popular girl at school.

Honey, I'm not gonna forbid
you from seeing this guy,

but do you really want
to do that to your sister?

Just think about it.

Okay, with the bells.

There was no bell.

Oh.

I'm so glad we're out together.

Me too. Your mind,
it fascinates me.

Hey, who's your
favorite painter.

Oh, I would have
to say pasquale.

Pasquale? I'm not
familiar with his work.

Oh, he did our
garage for really cheap.

I really like you, Bridget,
and I really get you.

Well, not so fast. You
haven't gotten me yet.

Oh, there it is.

Do you want to hop in?

No.

The whole point is the
objectification of women.

If a man got in,

it would totally compromise
the integrity of the piece.

-I meant together.
-Yeah, sure.

Okay.

After you.

It's gonna be a little
cramped in here.

No, no, I don't think
it's gonna be that bad.

Go for it.

Hey, I believe you've
met the artist, my sister.

What? You're sisters?
What's going on?

Oh, oh. Shh, shh, shh.

We don't say this
to a lot of guys, but...

We really got you.

Bridget, thank you.
You were awesome.

You would have
done the same thing

if I was your little sister.

You're right.

Kerry, look,

I'm sorry if I do that thing

where I steal stuff
that's important to you.

I don't do it on purpose.

I know.

I'm gonna try to be
more sensitive to that.

You are the best sister.

I know, but I promise to try
not to be so obvious about it.

Let me tell you a
little bit about my style.

I like to take a girl out.

I like to buy her nice things

Candy, flowers.

I like roses.

We take off to the river

and the park underneath the
tree with the pines, you know?

And just talk,

like the old days.

People don't just talk. And
not for 5-minute increments.

Hmm?

Okay, well, I guess
not. Thanks, anyway.

Are you wearing space pants?

You know what? I am.

-Oh.
-Oh.

---oOo---