8 Simple Rules (2002–2005): Season 3, Episode 13 - The Sub - full transcript

Kerry_yyyyy!!!

I heard you!

I got here as fast as I could.

Maybe it's those little,
stubby legs of yours.

-You don't have to be mean.
-Well, if it wasn't for you,

I wouldn't have slipped in
the tub and broken my leg!

For the hundredth
time, I apologize.

You and your dumb
french bath oils.

When did the french
decide to bathe, anyway?

I'm sorry you slipped and fell.

I usually clean out
the tub when I'm done.



Don't make me look
at the X-ray again.

So, grandpa;

What's it like when you nail
someone with a bayonet?

Could you not talk about
that when I'm making dinner?

So, what's it like?

I never actually
did it in combat,

but I did stick my pal
stinky once pretty good.

I swore that night

- I would never drink again.
- Hello!

I mean, around bayonets.

Hi Ed! What's up?

Hi Cate! Actually, I
was calling for C.J.

Oh, well, I assumed you
would be calling for me.

Oh, well...



How are you?

I'm good. How are you?

Good. Good.

Is C.J. There?

Um, well, yeah.

He's out back...

Taking out or going
through the trash.

You want me to go get him?

Oh no. Could you just
tell him that his first day

working as a substitute
teacher is tomorrow?

What?

I was a little surprised myself.

But your letter of
recommendation

really pushed him over the top.

What?!

Although I suppose I'd
write one heck of a letter, too,

if somebody brought me back
to life after a canoeing mishap.

Canoeing mishap?

So, you'll give him the news?

Oh, I'll give it to him.

-Bye, Ed.
-Ha, ha, ha

You wrote a letter
and forged my name?

It's for a good cause.

I know you want me to
start paying rent around here,

so I'm thinking about
making some fat dollah.

Ah! In what world do
teachers make "fat dollah."

And what makes you think you're

qualified to be a
substitute teacher?

Here's the good news.

There's a massive
teacher shortage.

They'll give an emergency
certificate to almost anyone.

-But you?
-I'm the 'cream of the crop'.

You should have seen
the guy behind me in line.

If he wasn't spitting up blood,
he would've gotten one, too.

This is just crazy.

We're talking about
shaping children's lives.

You are not mature,
you are not responsible

are you gonna go back on
what you said in the letter now?

Look, aunt Cate,

you told me to do something
worthwhile with my life,

and this could be my chance.

All right, fine.

But my name got you
that job, so don't mess it up.

Yep; Don't worry.

Listen, this is the new,

more responsible, mature C.J.

And by the way, if anyone asks,

I do have a "Purple Heart" I just can't find it.

Would you hurry up?

I'm carrying 100
pounds of your stuff.

-Can I give you a little help there?
-That would be great. Actually...

-What do you need?
-My hair is stuck on my lip gloss.

Here, hold these a second.

Ahh. Thank you.

I don't know what she did, but

pushing your sister
down the stairs...

-Way not cool!
-What?

What are you telling people?

I can't tell anyone I
slipped in the bathtub.

My life is way more
exciting than that.

Keep walking or I'll push
you down a couple flights.

-Hey, C.J.
-Hey

You nervous?

Oh, no, I just washed my hands.

That's just water on my pants.

Hey, C.J.; welcome aboard.

Good to have you on the team.

First day. You nervous?

Oh, no, he's fine.

He just had a little
accident in the men's room.

Listen, I want to thank
you for this opportunity,

and I'll try not
to let you down.

Oh, I'm sure you
won't. You know...

Just last night I
spent the evening

brushing up on
my algebra skills.

You're teaching
American history.

- Good to know.
- ♫

♫
What's that noise?!

I'm kidding.

It's the bell.

-Wish me luck, aunt Cate.
-Oh, come on.

A man who saves a family of five

from a sinking canoe
does not need luck.

Class, as you know,

your regular
teacher, Mr. Cornell,

is still suffering from...

Dehydration.

So, I'd you to welcome
your new substitute teacher,

Mr. C.J. Barnes.

Yo, yo.

What's the 4-1-1 in here?

What's the dilly-yo?
Can I get a what-what?

I thought you said
your cousin was cool?

This is him being cool.

Mr. Barnes, class is all yours.

Yes. Thank you, principal Gibb.

Up there.

American History...

What is American History?

It is the History of America.

Today we are going
to talk about the...

Guys?, Class?

Uh, uhm...

Ah..

All right... Keep
studying. Keep studying.

Congratulations.

You lasted longer than most.

You kidding? My God;
These kids are animals.

No wonder the Japanese
beat us to the moon.

Take a breath.
It's your first day.

When you go back in there, you
show them that you're the boss.

I tried clearing my
throat. I got nothing.

Yeah; That's really
my thing, okay?

You got to come up with
your own signature thing.

I can make one eye go lazy.

I wouldn't do that.

I can do that and
do the zippy lip.

Pbht-pbht-pbht.

I'll figure it out.

Guys? Can we get started?

Okay, uh...

Let's talk about the
populist movement.

Anyone want to talk about the...

You, sir?

I don't know about
the populist movement,

but I can tell you about
the 'bowel' movements.

That's good stuff.

Nice!

You said 'bowel movement'.
I liked it. I laughed.

What else you got, Seinfeld?

-I don't know.
-You don't know?

Come on, you got
to keep them coming.

You're the class
cutup, aren't you?

Always making fun of the sub.

You know how I know that?
'Cause that's what I used to do.

I was a sub's worst nightmare.

But those shenanigans
will not cut it in here today.

Because, trust me,
whatever you've done,

I've done it better, louder,

and with a pocket
full of roosters.

What do you got there?

Ooh-la-la.

What is this one? July?
I don't have this one.

Now I do.

Nintendo? More
like ninten-don't.

What do we got here, ladies?

Do you think Billy likes me?

We got a Billy in here?

Billy, do you like her?

No.

Oh! Cruel.

That's no good.

Does anybody like this girl?

You, sir.

Hey, not exactly
'Dicrapio', but take it.

Now, elimidate's
over. All eyes up here.

My name is Mr. Barnes,
and I mean biz, all right?

And if anyone's asking
or thinking about it,

this is just water
from the bathroom.

Hey!

That's right.

Now, settle down and
open your books to page 72.

Here we go.

Ok; After school

I need you to drop my
books off at the library,

go pick up my half of the
science project at Marissa's,

and then go pick
up my new boots.

I can't do all that. I
have my own life too.

You should of thought
of that before you...

whacked my leg
with that crowbar.

That one was just for fun.

30 seconds left
in the test, people.

30 seconds that will
decide your future.

30 seconds to make
or break your life.

Think what you're writing.

Do not let anything
get in your brain.

No outside distractions.

The rest of your
life depends- Time!!

All right.

Pass your tests up.

Read chapter 42
The Robber Barons.

And be prepared to
answer the question

Why do they all look
like the monopoly man?

See you tomorrow, 'Mr. B'

All right, 'J-dog'.
Not if I see you first.

Rory, how'd you do?

Piece of cake.

All right; Professor Mc-Big-brain.

Hey, Rory; Hang on a second.

What's up?

It's a cheat sheet.

So? It's not mine.

Well, it fell out of your test,

It's your handwriting,

and it's on the "Little
Mermaid" notepad , I gave you.

Fine. I cheated.

But I only did it to
raise my grade to an "A"

I swear I've never
done it before.

I believe you

Because you suck at it.

Is there any way you can
just pretend it didn't happen?

Oh, dude, it's not that
easy. I'm a teacher now.

How's it going?

Everything a-okay in here, sir.

Rory; You better scoot to class.

C.J.; um...

There's something
that's been troubling me.

What is it?

Is everything okay at home?

Yeah. Why?

There's a rumor
going around that Kerry

intentionally backed the
minivan into Bridget's leg.

Well; Look at you
grading papers.

You know something?

I'm glad I wrote that letter.

Something wrong?

I got a bit of an
ethical dilemma here.

Wow.

I didn't know you even
knew what that was.

Caught one of my
kids cheating today.

And, uh, I know I got to
turn him into Gibb, but...

I don't know if I can.

God! It's a hard job.

Well C.J.; If the job was
easy, everybody would do it.

I think you know you
have to turn him in.

Well, he's a good kid

and I don't want it
to go on his record.

I wonder if there's
some wiggle room.

Being an adult is about
making hard choices.

It's not about wiggle room.

It's about doing
the right thing.

It's Rory.

Maybe there's a
little wiggle room.

-Aunt Cate?
-Are you sure?

Are you... are
you... sure it's Rory?

Maybe it's another kid.
He's very generic-looking.

He confessed, and we have
a zero tolerance for cheating.

I'm gonna have to
go to the principal.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whooooa!

Maybe we could just
keep this in the family.

Rory will get suspended.

Colleges will see it.
Is that what you want?

I want to do the right thing.

C.J.; He is a 5'41"
mediocre student.

All he's got is attendance
and good behavior.

Well, Cate, like you said,

being an adult is about
making hard choices.

When did I say that, exactly?

Just now. I'm sorry.

No. You're right.

I'm gonna go upstairs

and tell him how
much trouble he's in.

It's times like this that
parenting is a real joy.

Listen; Like you said,

if it was an easy job,
anyone could do it.

What? Are you wearing a wire?

So, this is the one
you got Stinky with?

Oh... it only went in an inch.
Inch and a half at the most.

Thank God he had thighs
like an Iowa farm girl.

I can't believe you
two are still friends.

Oh, I paid for it.

Stinky made me promise to
name one of my kids after him.

But you had two
girls. Cate and Maggie.

What's your mom's
middle initial?

"S", But she said
it was for Stacy.

Shh!

Dad, I need a minute with him.

-It sounds serious.
-Yeah, it is.

Leave the bayonet.

I know about you
cheating on your test today.

-Mom..
-Not another word.

You are grounded for a month.

And that's just from me.

C.J. is taking this
to principal Gibb.

-What?
-Yes.

I'll get suspended.
Mom; You got to help me.

You got to talk to C.J.

Well, I did.

And he's taking
a hard line on this.

This is the new C.J.

Mom, he's been a substitute
teacher for two days.

Three days ago he was
digging for gold in our backyard.

Believe me, you
can change his mind.

No, I can't.

And maybe I shouldn't.

The truth is, he's right.

You screwed up and there's
gonna be consequences.

Consequences! Let me
paint you a little picture.

I'm 35, a high-school dropout.

I'm assistant manager
at Burger barn,

and I live with my
girlfriend and 3 kids

Right here; In this room.

She's pregnant with our fourth.
I'm not even sure it's mine.

Good morning, professor.

Banana waffles!

-Wow!
-Yep.

Doughy and covered with syrup.

Ooh! Just the way
I like my women.

Oh, my gosh. Steak
dinner last night,

you turned on the
heat in the basement.

And now banana waffles.

What did I do to deserve this?

I like to do special
things for you, C.J.

I'd do them a lot more often

if I wasn't so stressed out
about this whole Rory thing.

Hum... God!

If there was just some way
you could not go to Ed Gibb.

More orange juice?

Aunt Cate; Am I-

Am I hearing you right?

Well, I don't know.

Depends on what you're hearing.

I'm hearing what you're saying,

If you're saying
what I'm hearing.

Oh!

You're hearing
what I'm saying....

...if you're hearing
what I'm saying.

I'm confused.

You trying to bribe me?

Oh!... What?

With steak and
juice and waffles?

I would never dangle

those cheap little
trinkets in your face...

Or free rent.

Just so you wouldn't
talk to Ed Gibb?

Who's Ed Gibb?

How's the jacuzzi?

Delightful.

By the way, I did a little
manscaping in there.

You might want to
clean out the trap.

You know, C.J.;

I do appreciate you
not talking to Ed Gibb,

but I think you're
pushing this a little too far.

You're right.

Let's call the whole thing off.

I'm sure Rory will get a
basketball scholarship.

Hey, everybody.

-Hey.
-Hi, dad.

You know, do me a favor.

Our little arrangement
is kind of embarrassing.

Let's not tell grandpa.

What is this? 'Spa
day' at "The Hennessey's"?

I let C.J. use my jacuzzi.

Oh; Someone's getting
special treatment.

Well, why not?

I mean...

He got the teaching
job, and then...

and I thought it'd be
nice just to show him...

Hey! He's earned it.

I just ran into principal
Gibb at the mini-mart.

He said he has never
seen a new teacher come in

and take to it like C.J.

I guess I'm doing
all right over there.

It's a great example
for the boy, too.

Just shows you that
even a little wisp of a kid

with no obvious talent can
make something of himself.

Now you're making me blush.

You're proud of
him, aren't you Cate?

Woo...!

Well...what can I say?

He got that job and
one thing happened

and then the next thing...

Well, let me tell you something.

I like the new C.J.

Yes, sir.

Honest, hard work,

no angles, no scams.

I'm proud of you!

I'm proud of you,
son. I really am.

Hey, honey; Have
you seen Bridget?

Yeah; I left her outside
third-period Biology

with her backpack, her pillow,

her makeup case,
and her snotty attitude.

Kerry; You have to realize
your sister is in a lot of pain.

Yeah, I understand that,

but that doesn't
give her the right

to treat everybody like they're
her own personal slaves.

Guys! What part of 'faster'
don't you understand?!

Come in.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Oh, sure. Come on in.

You ever do...

one of these Word Jumbles?

They're really kind of tricky.

Oh, yeah, that one's difficult.

I know. That's what I'm saying.

No, that word is
difficult, not "ficidulft."

Oh. Yes, so it is.

So...

What can I do for you? 'Teach'

Ah; I just wanted
to tell you thank you

for giving me this opportunity.

This is the first
job I've ever had

that gave me a sense of pride,

that made me want to
go to work in the morning.

Happy to hear it.

Thing is, I gotta quit.

What? You just
said you loved it.

Yeah, I do, it's just there's
parts of it I can't handle.

Oh, my God!

Mr. Williams hit
on you, didn't he?

No.

Well, yeah, but that's
not why I'm quitting.

But thank you.

I can't help feeling there's
something you're not telling me.

Cate? What are you doing here?

-Ed, I was wrong.
-Wait, wait. -No, no-

I- I never should have begged
C.J. To cover up Rory's cheating.

-Aunt Cate
-Look, let me get this out.

I definitely shouldn't
have bribed him.

C.J. Is a good teacher,

and telling you the truth
was the right thing to do.

I still can't help feeling

there's something
you're not telling me.

You didn't tell him anything?
-No

Came in here to quit.

- Oh, C.J.
- -God! Ah, hum...

I wish I hadn't
heard any of this.

All right, let me see.

Technically, only...

a teacher or a student
directly involved

can report a cheating incident.

And since C.J.

Never said anything,

this hasn't officially
been reported.

Oh, Ed! Oh...

I don't know how to thank you.

What are you thanking
me for? It never happened.

I can't take it
anymore! I cheated!

I put C.J. in bad spot;
I put my mom in a bad spot.

Please; It's killing me.
I demand to be punished.

Okay...I kind of wish
I hadn't heard that.

All I'm saying is,

you take a bath, you
wipe it for the next person.

Forget the danger. It's
just common courtesy.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

I could've been killed.

Take a good look at
the outside world, Rory.

You won't be seeing a lot
of that for the next month.

And you are lucky that Ed
Gibb is a friend of this family

and has decided that
because you have no "priors,"

he'll look the other way.

Which I think is a mistake.

Hey, he let you keep your job.

Which I'm in favor of.

I'm gonna watch some Tv.

Oh, no; You're not. No Tv.

No computers, no phone.

What am I supposed
to do for the next month?

Oh! There will be
plenty for you to do!

---oOo---

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