8 Simple Rules (2002–2005): Season 2, Episode 9 - Merry Christmas: The Story of Anne Frank and Skeevy - full transcript

BRIDGET, I JUST HAD A
VERY INTERESTING TALK

WITH YOUR GUIDANCE COUNSELOR.

HEY, IT WAS PARENT-TEACHER
NIGHT FOR ME TOO.

OH, I'M SORRY, HONEY. I KNOW.

HONOR ROLL AGAIN! I'M SO PROUD.

THANKS, MOM. IT MEANS
SO MUCH TO ME THAT...

KERRY, NOT NOW. I'M
TALKING TO YOUR SISTER.

I HATE BEING THE MIDDLE CHILD.

YEAH, I HATED BEING THE MIDDLE
CHILD TOO. BUT I GOT OVER IT.

- HOW?
- ATTRITION.

NOW I'M THE OLDEST.
IT'S AWESOME.



NOW BRIDGET, I KNOW YOU'VE
BEEN HAVING A ROUGH TIME.

WE HAVE ALL BEEN
HAVING A ROUGH TIME.

BUT JUNIOR YEAR IS THE
MOST IMPORTANT YEAR

FOR COLLEGE APPLICATIONS.

DON'T WORRY. I'M
ON IT: EYEBROWS.

MOM, I THINK WE
SHOULD ALL BE GRATEFUL

BRIDGET GOT INTO HIGH SCHOOL.

SEE, LAST YEAR I HAD, LIKE,
AN ARCH THING GOING ON

AND I THINK THAT MADE
ME LOOK KIND OF SLUTTY,

YOU KNOW, IN A BAD WAY.

AND SO I REALIZED I
NEED SMARTER EYEBROWS.

SO... HONOR-SOCIETY BRIDGET.

MMM, I LIKED IT BETTER
WHEN YOU FAILED MATH

AND WERE SUMMER-SCHOOL BRIDGET.



NOW LOOK, HONEY, AS MUCH AS WE
LIKE YOUR SMARTER EYEBROW IDEA...

AND WE ALL DO, RIGHT?

- Rory: OH, IT'S GENIUS.
- Jim: OH, RIGHT RIGHT.

BUT YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE
TO DO A LITTLE BIT MORE

TO GET INTO A GOOD COLLEGE,

LIKE BEEF UP THESE TRANSCRIPTS

WITH SOME
EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES.

HONEY, YOU'RE GOING TO
HAVE TO FIND SOMETHING TO DO.

YOU KNOW, LIKE KERRY...
KERRY IS IN THE DRAMA CLUB.

IN FACT, MAYBE KERRY COULD
GET YOU INTO THE DRAMA CLUB.

WAIT A MINUTE...
DRAMA CLUB IS MY TURF;

THESE PEOPLE ARE MY FRIENDS.

THIS IS WHERE I PAINT
SCENERY IN THE CORNER...

ALL ALONE WHERE
PEOPLE CALL ME TERRY.

I HATE DRAMA CLUB.

YEAH, MOM, AND I'M SMART
ENOUGH TO KNOW I'D HATE IT TOO.

WELL THEN, MAYBE YOU'D
LIKE TO JUST CHANGE BEDPANS

- WITH ME AT THE HOSPITAL?
- OKAY, YOU KNOW,
I COULD BE AN ACTRESS.

UM, YOU KNOW, I DO LIE TO YOU
ALL THE TIME AND YOU ALWAYS BUY IT.

WHAT?

SEE, LIKE RIGHT THERE!
YOU JUST BOUGHT THAT LIE.

I AM A GOOD ACTRESS.

MOM, IT'S NOT THAT EASY.

LOOK, I BUILD SETS
AND I PAINT SCENERY,

BUT IF YOU WANT TO ACT, IF
YOU WANT EVEN JUST ONE LINE

THEY MAKE YOU DO ALL THE
CRAPPY WORK LIKE BUILDING SETS

AND PAINTING SCENERY.

I HATE DRAMA CLUB.

WELL, AND NOW,
HONEY, YOUR SISTER

IS GONNA START UNDER YOU.

I GOT THE LEAD!

YOU GOT THE LEAD?

YOU GOT THE LEAD?

- SHE GOT THE LEAD.
- WHAT'S THE PLAY?

"ANNIE"!

IT'S THE STORY OF
ANNE FRANK, YOU IDIOT.

WHATEVER. ALL I KNOW
IS I GET STUCK IN A ROOM

WITH A REALLY CUTE
BOY I HAVE TO KISS.

I CAN SO PLAY THAT.

- IT'S ABOUT NAZIS!
- OH, GOSH, THEY'RE HARDLY
EVEN IN IT.

THEY COME IN AT THE END.

HOW COULD YOU NOT
KNOW ABOUT ANNE?

SHE WAS SMART,
SENSITIVE AND AN ARTIST.

OH, SENSITIVE AND AN ARTIST?

WOW, THAT SOUNDS
LIKE SOMEONE WHO...

PAINTS SCENERY IN DRAMA CLUB.

NOW LOOK... WE NEED
TO BE SUPPORTIVE.

WE SHOULD BE CELEBRATING.

YOUR SISTER GOT THE LEAD IN...

"ANNE FRANK"?

I'M JUST REALLY
GLAD IT'S NOT "ANNIE."

'CAUSE YOU KNOW, CURLY
RED HAIR... NOT A GOOD LOOK.

BRIDGET!

THAT WAS MY TURF.

NOW TERRY, STOP IT...
I MEAN, KERRY, STOP IT.

JUST 'CAUSE YOUR BIG
SISTER GOT THE LEAD

IN THE WHOLE DAMN PLAY,
THAT DOESN'T DIMINISH

YOUR PAINTING THE
SCENERY AND WHATNOT.

I DO MORE THAN PAINT
SCENERY, YOU KNOW?

I DESIGN THE PROGRAMS
AND THE FLIERS.

I PULL THE LITTLE CORD.

GOD, I HATE DRAMA CLUB.

RORY, WHERE'D YOU GET THE DUMMY?

WELL, IT'S AN INTERESTING STORY.

SO WHO'S THE BROAD?

WHAT JUST CAME
OUT OF YOUR MOUTH?

SKEEVY, YOU CAN'T TALK
TO MY MOTHER LIKE THAT.

MOM, I'M SORRY.
IT WASN'T MY IDEA.

IT'S WAS MR. COLEMAN,

THE SCHOOL GUIDANCE COUNSELOR.

OH.

WELL, YOU SAW MR. COLEMAN?

YEAH. HE THINKS MAYBE
THIS VENTRILOQUIST'S DUMMY

MIGHT HELP ME
EXPRESS THE FEELINGS

I MAY BE STUFFING INSIDE.

- OH, RORY.
- I NAMED HIM SKEEVY.

WELL, HI THERE, SKEEVY.

UH, ANYTHING YOU
WANT TO SAY TO ME?

WELL, THERE ONCE WAS
A MAN FROM NANTUCKET...

THANKS, GRAMPS. NEVER
COULD GET THIS PAINT OFF.

AH, LOOK AT THOSE HANDS.

YOU'RE A CRAFTSMAN
LIKE YOUR GRANDPA.

GOD, I FEEL PRETTY.

COME ON, GIRL.
WHAT'S EATING YOU?

IT'S JUST THAT I
PAINT THE SCENERY

AND MY BIG SISTER'S
THE STAR OF THE SHOW.

YEAH, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

MY BROTHER... YOUR
GREAT-UNCLE WALTER...

HE FOUGHT IN THE
ARDENNES IN WORLD WAR II.

"THE GREATEST GENERATION;"

THE HERO OF THE BIG ONE.

UH, LITTLE JIMMY GOES TO KOREA

AND THEY CALLED
IT A POLICE ACTION.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?
I GET SHOT IN THE BUTT

AND THEY CALLED
IT A POLICE ACTION.

WOW! I HAD AN UNCLE
IN WORLD WAR II?

OW!

OH, I'M SORRY. DID
I HURT YOU, HON?

HEY.

WE TOOK PORK CHOP HILL, DAMN IT!

AND WE THANK YOU, DAD.

MY LINE, OTHER PEOPLE'S,
OTHER PEOPLE'S, MY LINE...

UH, BRIDGET, PLEASE TELL ME
YOU'RE READING THE WHOLE PLAY

AND NOT JUST YOUR PART.

OH, NO NO NO NO, THIS IS FASTER.

IT'S LIKE STUDYING FOR
FINALS, YOU JUST READ

THE FIRST AND LAST
SENTENCE OF EACH CHAPTER.

HEY, BRIDGET. I JUST
CAME BY TO CLEAR THE AIR.

WHEN YOU IGNORED
ME AT LUNCH TODAY

I FIGURED THERE
WAS A LOT OF TENSION

'CAUSE YOU GOT THE PART
OF ANNE FRANK EVEN THOUGH

EVERYBODY SAID THAT I
WAS GONNA GET THE PART

'CAUSE I ALWAYS GET THE PART
'CAUSE I STUDIED ACTING FOR 10 YEARS

AND I DID DO THAT
FURNITURE COMMERCIAL.

ANYHOW, I HOPE WE
CAN STILL BE FRIENDS.

OH, SURE WE WILL. OF
COURSE WE WILL, LINDA...

- LORI.
- LACEY!

OH, I BROUGHT YOUR COSTUME.

ASIDE FROM MY PART, I'M
ALSO WARDROBE ASSISTANT.

SOMEHOW I FIND THE TIME
BETWEEN MY TWO LINES.

SO... ANNE... BREAK A LEG.

UGH! BREAK A LEG?
WELL, GO GET HIT BY A CAR!

ALL RIGHT NOW, HERE WE GO NOW.

I WOULD REALLY LIKE
SOME QUIET, PLEASE.

HUH? ALL RIGHT, ANDRE, BEGIN.

WELL, I LOOKED ALL UP IN THIS
CRIB AND THERE AIN'T NO PEEPS!

ANDRE, STICK TO
THE TEXT, PLEASE.

I WAS JUST TRYING TO GIVE
IT A LITTLE ANDRE FLAVOR.

AH, WELL DON'T.

- HI, KERRY.
- HEY.

REHEARSAL'S STILL GOING ON?

WELL, CLASSICS AREN'T
DESTROYED OVERNIGHT.

HERR COMMANDANT, I TOLD
YOU YOU WOULDN'T FIND ANYBODY.

DID YOU CHECK THE ATTIC?
'CAUSE SHE'S IN THERE.

- LACEY!
- I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.

BUT COME ON, THAT'S MY ROLE!
ANNE FRANK DOESN'T HAVE HIGHLIGHTS.

SO... WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WELL, THE SET'S NICE.

I KNOW I'M NOT VERY PRETTY.

PLEASE, GIRL, YOU KNOW I BEEN
DYING TO LAY ONE ON THAT GRILL!

ANTHONY!

ALL RIGHT, BRIDGET, CONTINUE.

WELL, I HAVE TO GO.

ALL RIGHT NOW...
ANNE AND PETER KISS.

AND IT'S A FIRST KISS.
IT'S INNOCENT, SWEET...

WOW. THAT WAS...

LIKE A BIZ-EETY-BEENY
OF HONEY, Y'ALL!

- NOW IS THAT IN THE SCRIPT?
- YEAH, DUDE!

ALL RIGHT, PETER.

I WANT YOU ALL TO GO HOME AND
I WANT YOU TO THINK VERY HARD

ABOUT THE MEANING OF
WHAT WE ARE DOING HERE.

- HEY, MOM.
- HI.

- DID YOU SEE ME UP THERE?
- OH, YES.

YOU... YOU'RE GONNA BE THE
PRETTIEST ANNE FRANK EVER.

THANK YOU. THAT IS EXACTLY
WHAT I WAS GOING FOR.

HEY, SARGE!

WERE THERE MASHED
POTATOES ON PORK CHOP HILL?

HA HA HA HA HA!

HA, YEAH. THAT IS REALLY CUTE.

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS CUTE?

AHHH!

HEY, HOW'D REHEARSAL GO?

AMAZING.

OH, THANK YOU, KERRY.

OH, YEAH, IT WAS AMAZING.

THAT PLAY IS GONNA BE
JUST ONE INCREDIBLE...

HUGE TRAINWRECK.

THAT BAD, HUH?

OH, GEE, I SWEAR I WISH I
COULD GET HER TO QUIT.

I'M SO SCARED SHE'S
GONNA HUMILIATE HERSELF.

HERSELF?

OH, OKAY, AND
MAYBE A LITTLE BIT ME.

BUT I'M REALLY CONCERNED
ABOUT MY DAUGHTER

WHOM I LOVE.

DAD, SHE REALLY STINKS.

COME ON, BABY GIRL.

CHRISTMAS PAGEANT,
JUNIOR YEAR...

YOU'RE ON STAGE.
I'M IN THE AUDIENCE.

"THAT'S MY GIRL," I
SAID. "THAT'S MY GIRL."

I EVEN POINTED TO YOU.

THEY CHANGED MY PLACE
IN LINE AT THE LAST MINUTE.

THAT'S WHY I FELL.

FELL? YOU TOOK OUT THE
ENTIRE BRASS SECTION.

WELL, YOU TOLD ME
NOBODY NOTICED.

HO! NOBODY NOTICED?

PEOPLE WERE INJURED.

YOU KNOW WHO I MISS?

I MISS UNCLE WALTER...

THE HERO OF THE ARDENNES!

I'M SORRY IF I HIT A
SORE SPOT, BABY GIRL.

HEY HEY, WHO'S THIS?

"WHOA OOAA OAAA!"

KNOCK KNOCK. AM I INTERRUPTING?

OH, I'M REWRITING MY LINES.

SOME OF THEM ARE KIND OF
LONG AND HARD TO REMEMBER.

YEAH.

UH, HONEY, I BROUGHT YOU A BOOK.

- A BOOK?
- MM-HMM.

YEAH, I THOUGHT IT COULD
HELP YOU WITH YOUR PART.

IT'S "THE DIARY OF ANNE FRANK."

I THOUGHT YOU COULD USE IT
AS HISTORICAL RESEARCH TO...

TO FIND OUT THINGS
LIKE... SHE WAS REAL?

LIKE THAT SHE WAS REAL.

OH, MY GOSH.

IS BRIDGET JONES REAL TOO?

OH! NO. NO. AND I
JUST THOUGHT THAT...

WHAT ABOUT "THE NANNY
DIARIES"? WAS NANNY REAL?

NO! WELL, YES.

BUT THAT WAS LIKE A
COMPOSITE SORT OF...

LOOK, IT'S... IT'S
NOT THE POINT.

COULD YOU JUST READ
"THE DIARY OF ANNE FRANK"?

READ ANOTHER GIRL'S DIARY?

OKAY!

HI, LOUISE.

HEY, YOU REALLY LOOK NICE TODAY.

UH-OH. WHAT DO YOU NEED?

NOTHING. MAYBE YOU
JUST REALLY LOOK NICE.

I'M SELLING TICKETS
TO BRIDGET'S PLAY.

A HIGH SCHOOL PLAY?
NO! NO NO NO NO NO...

OH, COME ON. LOOK, I HAD TO ENDURE
YOUR DAUGHTER'S CELLO RECITAL.

ENDURE?

DID I SAY ENDURE?
I... I MEANT ENJOY.

COME ON, IT'S THE MOMS' CODE.

WE BUY EACH OTHER'S KIDS' CRAP

AND THEN SECRETLY
RESENT EACH OTHER.

- SO COUGH IT UP.
- OKAY, IT IS THE MOMS' CODE

AND YOU DID SIT THROUGH
THAT AWFUL RECITAL.

WELL, THE GOOD NEWS IS
YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO GO.

- OH, I'LL BUY TWO.
- OKAY.

OH MY GOD... "ANNE FRANK."

WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY
SO IN THE FIRST PLACE?

I'M GONNA BRING MY
MOTHER. SHE'S A SURVIVOR.

SURVIVOR?

YEAH. SHE IS SO AMAZING. I MEAN,
SHE'S SEEN THE WORST IN HUMANITY

AND IT HASN'T
DAMPENED HER SPIRITS.

THAT MIGHT CHANGE.

OH, HI, BRIDGE.

I THOUGHT I HEARD
SOMETHING UP HERE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

READING "THE DIARY
OF ANNE FRANK."

MOM... I DON'T
THINK I CAN DO THIS.

WELL, HONEY, WHEN YOU GET
TO A WORD YOU DON'T KNOW,

JUST SOUND IT OUT.

I MEAN, HOW COULD I TAKE
ON THE ROLE OF ANNE FRANK?

SHE'S JUST SO INCREDIBLY
WISE AND BRAVE.

I MEAN, I CAME UP HERE TO
SEE WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO BE HER.

AND I JUST CAN'T DO HER JUSTICE.

I CAN'T.

OF COURSE YOU CAN.

I KNOW YOU NEVER
SEE THIS SIDE OF ME,

SOMETIMES I CAN BE A
LITTLE BIT SUPERFICIAL.

I'M JUST NOT ANNE MATERIAL.

THINK I SHOULD QUIT?

BECAUSE IT'S NOT LIKE I'D
BE LETTING ANYONE DOWN.

THERE ARE TONS OF GIRLS THAT
COULD DO A WAY BETTER JOB THAN I CAN.

I SHOULD QUIT, RIGHT?

MMM.

DO... DO YOU WANT TO QUIT?

NO, I DON'T WANT TO QUIT.

BUT I DON'T WANT TO
EMBARRASS MYSELF.

I DON'T WANT TO
EMBARRASS YOU EITHER.

OH, THAT'S JUST CRAZY, HONEY.

BUT DO YOU WANT TO QUIT?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO.

I'M OUT OF MY DEPTH.

WOW.

YOU REALLY DID READ THE BOOK.

WELL... I DON'T THINK
YOU SHOULD QUIT.

I THINK YOU CAN DO IT.

I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT.

IT JUST DOESN'T SEEM
RIGHT THAT I PLAY ANNE.

WE'RE NOTHING ALIKE.

I MEAN, WE HAVE A NICE ATTIC

AND A NICE HOUSE.

I CAN GO TO SLEEP AT
NIGHT WHEN IT'S DARK

IN A WARM BED.

I CAN LEAVE WHENEVER I WANT.

I DON'T KNOW. MY LIFE IS EASY.

I JUST... I HAVE NOT EXPERIENCED
THAT KIND OF HARDSHIP.

I CAN'T IMAGINE ANYONE PLAYING
THAT PART HAS THAT EXPERIENCE.

BUT AN ACTOR FINDS
THINGS TO DRAW ON.

MMM.

YOU KNOW,

YOU HAVE HAD YOUR
SHARE OF SADNESS.

START THERE.

YOU BROUGHT THE DUMMY?

HE'S WEARING A TIE.

AREN'T YOU A LITTLE OLD
TO BE PLAYING WITH DOLLS?

AREN'T YOU A LITTLE OLD?

I SWEAR TO GOD,
ONE OF THESE DAYS

I'M GONNA PICK MY
TEETH WITH YOU.

IS THIS A NEW LOW?
I'M TALKING TO A DUMMY.

NOW YOU'RE TALKING
TO YOURSELF. HA HA HA!

SKEEVY, THIS MAN FOUGHT
IN THE KOREAN WAR.

IT WAS A POLICE ACTION!

STOP IT. STOP IT, STOP IT!

- CATIE.
- OH, LOUISE.

- THIS IS MY MOTHER.
- OH, HI.

HOW DO YOU DO?
YOU MUST BE HONORED

THAT YOUR DAUGHTER
IS PLAYING ANNE FRANK.

OH, GOD BLESS YOU
AND YOUR FAMILY.

OKAY, MOM, LET'S GO FIND A SEAT.

HER DAUGHTER... HER
DAUGHTER IS PLAYING ANNE FRANK!

I SMELL CHRISTMAS
PAGEANT ALL OVER AGAIN.

MY NAME IS ANNE FRANK.

SHE LOOKS NOTHING
LIKE ANNE FRANK.

THE NAZIS HAVE BEEN...

MY NAME IS ANNE FRANK.

THE NAZIS INVADED MY
COUNTRY BEFORE I TURNED 11.

TWO YEARS LATER, MY FAMILY AND I

AND OTHER JEWISH
FAMILIES WENT INTO HIDING.

Bridget's voice: FATHER SAYS THEY
FOUND THE LAST OF OUR FRIENDS.

HOW LONG UNTIL THEY FIND US?

MOTHER IS GETTING
SICKER AND WEAKER

AND I'M AFRAID SHE'S GIVING UP.

MAMA, YOU HAVE TO EAT, PLEASE.

MAMA! MAMA, YOU HAVE TO EAT.

PLEASE.

MAMA!

MOTHER? FATHER?

I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE!

- I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE!
- Girl: NO, PLEASE, NO!

- NO!
- QUIET!

BRAVO! BRAVO!

HOW ABOUT THAT SCENERY TOO, HUH?

All: BRAVO! BRAVO!

WELL, YOU WERE GREAT, BRIDGE.

IT WAS WORTH MISSING
"ROCKFORD FILES" FOR.

YEAH, IT WAS AWESOME, BRIDGET.

THANK YOU. AND WHAT
DID SKEEVY THINK?

UH, WHERE IS SKEEVY?

I TOSSED HIM IN A DUMPSTER.

AFTER THE PLAY A REALLY
HOT GIRL LOOKED AT ME,

POINTED, LAUGHED
AND SAID, "WHAT A GEEK."

WHAT MAKES YOU
THINK SHE SAW SKEEVY?

YOU KNOW, WAIT A MINUTE.

I THOUGHT SKEEVY
BELONGED TO THE COUNSELOR.

OH, RIGHT, I WAS LYING.

I JUST REALLY REALLY WANTED
A VENTRILOQUIST'S DUMMY.

YOU MEAN YOU'RE NOT SUPPRESSING
ANY EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS?

NAH!

WELL, I'M RELIEVED.

AND YOU KNOW, I HOPE YOU
HAD A REALLY GOOD TIME TONIGHT

BECAUSE THAT'S THE LAST TIME
YOU'RE GOING OUT FOR AWHILE.

WAIT, MOM.

DON'T LISTEN TO
HIM. HE'S GOT ISSUES...

BIG-TIME ISSUES!

WORK IT OUT IN YOUR ROOM.

NOW WHO'S THE DUMMY?

HEY, BRIDGE,

I WAS REALLY PROUD OF
MY BIG SISTER TONIGHT.

THANK YOU, KERR.

THAT WAS HARD.

WHY? THERE'S NO SHAME

IN LOOKING UP TO
YOUR BIG SISTER.

HEY, MY BIG BROTHER WAS
A HERO IN WORLD WAR II.

THANKS, GRAMPS.

NOW THAT WAS HARD.

HEY BRIDGE, I WAS REALLY AMAZED
BY YOUR PERFORMANCE TONIGHT.

I WAS SO IMPRESSED
AND PROUD OF YOU.

- REALLY?
- YEAH. AND I HAVE TO ADMIT

THAT FOR AWHILE THERE I
HAD MY LITTLE CONCERNS.

OH, WHAT DID YOU THINK? I
WAS GONNA FALL OFF THE STAGE

AND KNOCK OUT THE
ENTIRE BRASS SECTION?

WELL, ONE THING I DO KNOW:

YOU CAN DO ANYTHING
YOU PUT YOUR MIND TO.

THANK YOU, MOM.

YOU COMIN' UP?

YEAH. I'M JUST GONNA
PUT THESE IN WATER.

OKAY.

- GOOD NIGHT, HONEY.
- GOOD NIGHT.

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DID IT.

YOU REALLY TAPPED INTO
SOME EMOTION THERE.

OH, YEAH, I GUESS.

GOOD NIGHT.