8 Simple Rules (2002–2005): Season 2, Episode 3 - Donny Goes AWOL - full transcript

Fred on machine: Hey, neighbor.

Fred and Mary Ellen Doyle. Just wanted
to see if we could pop by for a few...

Hey, neighbor,
Fred Doyle here...

Hey, neighbor...

YOU KNOW, YOU COULD
RETURN ONE OF FRED'S CALLS.

OKAY, I CAN'T TALK TO
YOU WHEN YOU'RE LIKE THIS.

THE MAN, HE CAN'T TAKE A HINT.

HE WOULD STILL KEEP CALLING
HERE EVEN IF WE CHANGED

OUR OUTGOING MESSAGE TO
"DOYLE YOU IDIOT, STOP CALLING."

HEY, NEIGHBOR.

- WELL!
- HEY HEY!



FRED, MARY ELLEN, WE WERE
JUST TALKING ABOUT YOU.

OH, YOU LIE!

YES, WE WERE. WE USED
YOUR NAMES AND EVERYTHING.

RORY, SAY HI TO THE DOYLES.

SORRY TO BURST IN LIKE
THIS. WE TRIED CALLING,

BUT SOMETHING MUST BE WRONG
WITH YOUR ANSWERING MACHINE.

OH YES, WELL, YOU KNOW, WE
HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO RECEIVE

ANY INCOMING MESSAGES AT ALL.

- SOMETHING'S WRONG
WITH THE ANSWERING MACHINE?
- RORY, NO NO.

- - Fred: Hey, neighbor.
Fred and Mary Ellen Doyle...

YOU FIXED IT!

Rory: IT WASN'T BROKE.

I SAID YOU FIXED IT.

SO WHAT CAN WE DO FOR YOU?



WE MADE DONNY A VIDEO POSTCARD.

HE GETS SO LONELY DOWN
AT THE NAVAL ACADEMY.

NOTHING FANCY, MIND YOU.

JUST THE WHOLE FAMILY
GOT TOGETHER TO SAY HI

AND SING A FEW TUNES
FROM "SOUND OF MUSIC."

- WOW, SO DIFFERENT.
- GEE.

ANYWAY, WE LEFT A LITTLE
ROOM AT THE END OF THE TAPE

SO THAT DONNY'S BEST GIRL
BRIDGET COULD SAY "HOWJA DOODY."

NOW YOU TELL BRIDGET
SHE'S UNDER NO PRESSURE

TO SING AND DANCE ON THE TAPE.

DONNY UNDERSTANDS
THAT SHE'S NOT A DOYLE.

YET.

SHE CAN DO THOSE THINGS, RIGHT?

- YES.
- YOU SURE?

OKAY THEN. WELL, LISTEN, THANK YOU
SO MUCH FOR STOPPING BY, YOU GUYS.

WE'LL SEE YOU LATER,
ALL RIGHT? BYE-BYE.

WAIT A MINUTE.

WHAT AM I THINKING HERE?
ON A MORE SOMBER NOTE,

THERE IS A CRIME WAVE
PRESENTLY IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD.

OH, NO! BURGLARIES?

- EGGINGS.
- UH-HUH.

YEAH, THE FEENEYS, THE
O'TOOLES, THE JOHNSONS

HAVE ALL TAKEN THE YOLK.

AND THIS GUY KEEPS
CHANGING HIS M.O...

SHAVING CREAM, TOILET PAPER.

OH, NO.

WHERE WILL THIS MADMAN STOP?

SO AS CAPTAIN OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD
WATCH, I WANTED TO ASK YOU, PAUL...

FRED, LISTEN, YOU KNOW THAT I WOULD
LOVE TO JOIN THE WATCH AND GO ON PATROL

WITH YOU GUYS...

PAULY, PAULY, PAULY,

LOOK, YOU'RE FAR TOO
VALUABLE BEHIND A TYPEWRITER.

SEE, WHAT THIS MALCONTENT
NEEDS IS A NICKNAME.

SOMETHING WE CAN PUT IN THE
LOCAL PAPER TO RAISE AWARENESS.

COMING UP WITH A NAME
SHOULD BE A SNAP FOR YOU.

YOU MEAN SOMETHING LIKE
"THE MICHIGAN MISCHIEF-MAKER"?

- OOH, BOY,
YOU WRITERS ARE AMAZING.
- IT'S NOTHING.

BOY, TO COME UP WITH JUST
THE RIGHT TURN OF PHRASE,

YOU MUST HAVE TO WADE THROUGH
A MILLION STINKERS LIKE THAT, HUH?

YOU GOT GRIT. HE'S
GOT GRIT, HONEY.

HEY, BRIDGE, CAN I
BORROW YOUR GO-GO BOOTS

TO GO WITH THIS SKIRT FOR THAT
'60s PARTY EVERYONE'S GOING TO?

WHAT '60s PARTY?

JUST SOME LAME PARTY.

I'M TOTALLY GONNA BLOW IT OFF...

IN YOUR BOOTS.

ALL RIGHT, KERRY, LISTEN: YOU
DON'T HAVE TO PROTECT MY FEELINGS.

WHEN I WAS THE POPULAR ONE, I WENT
TO MILLIONS OF REALLY COOL PARTIES

I NEVER EVEN TOLD
YOU ABOUT BE...

'CAUSE THEY WERE REALLY LAME.

HELLO.

DAMIAN? SHUT UP!

SHUT UP. SHUT UP!

I HATE YOU. OKAY, SEE YOU THEN.

DAMIAN?

YES, THAT REALLY HOT NEW SENIOR
WITH THE HOMEMADE TATTOOS.

WE HAD THIS SECRET DATE. OH
MY GOD, HE'S SUCH A GOOD KISSER,

EXCEPT WHEN HIS TONGUE
RING CAUGHT ONE OF MY FILLINGS.

BRIDGET, WHAT ABOUT DONNY DOYLE?

OH, THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME
THINK OF DONNY. NOW I FEEL GUILTY.

WELL, YOU SHOULD FEEL
GUILTY. HE'S YOUR BOYFRIEND.

AND WHEN HE FINDS OUT YOU'RE
TWO-TIMING HIM, YOU'RE GONNA WIND UP ALONE.

HE'S IN MARYLAND. HOW'S HE
EVER GONNA FIND THAT OUT?

DAMIAN, I TOLD YOU
I'D MEET... IT'S DONNY.

YOU HAVE REACHED
BRIDGET'S VOICE MAIL.

PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE. BEEP!

BRIDGE, HE'S NOT GONNA FALL...

HE'S LEAVING A MESSAGE! -

THAT WAS SO CLOSE.

WHAT IF I'M NOT
ALWAYS THAT CLEVER?

IT IS A HIGH LEVEL TO MAINTAIN.

YOU'RE RIGHT. I AM
SO GONNA GET CAUGHT.

YOU KNOW, I HAVE TO CHOOSE
BETWEEN ONE OR THE OTHER.

- ONE OR THE OTHER WHAT?
- YEAH, BRIDGE, WHAT?

KERRY, IF YOU WANNA BORROW
MY BOOTS, THEY'RE UPSTAIRS

IN THE BOX MARKED "SHUT UP."

GOT IT.

- WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT?
- DAD, DID YOU EVER HAVE TO
CHOOSE BETWEEN TWO THINGS

THAT YOU REALLY REALLY LIKED?

INDEED I DID.

AS A YOUNG MAN ABOUT TO EMBARK ON
LIFE'S JOURNEY, I WAS FACED WITH A DILEMMA.

HI, HOW ABOUT CLIFF NOTES?

WELL, WHEN I GRADUATED COLLEGE,

I HAD TO MAKE A DECISION WHETHER
OR NOT I WAS GONNA GO TO LAW SCHOOL

AS I ALWAYS PLANNED
OR BECOME A WRITER.

WHICH DID YOU CHOOSE?

ANYWAY, BRIDGE,

WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY
IS FOLLOW YOUR HEART.

I FOLLOWED MY HEART AND
I'VE NEVER LOOKED BACK.

- THAT'S YOUR ADVICE,
FOLLOW MY HEART?
- IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I NEVER THOUGHT
OF THAT. I'M ALWAYS SO LOGICAL.

HEY, BRIDGET, BRIDGET, THE
DOYLES BROUGHT THIS OVER FOR YOU.

THEY MADE DONNY A VIDEO LETTER.

AND THEY LEFT SOME ROOM
AT THE END FOR A MESSAGE

FROM HIS SPECIAL GIRL.

YOU.

OH, RIGHT.

SO, PAUL, I ALWAYS THOUGHT
THAT YOU NEVER GOT

INTO LAW SCHOOL.

- SHE ASKED
FOR THE CLIFF NOTES.
- OH!

Anyway, Donny, it
looks like Grandma's

not gonna make it
past Thanksgiving,

but on the upside, you're
moving on up to the adult table.

All right, now a very
special message

to Donny from Donny's
little sweetheart...

Bridget Hennessy.

Perhaps the future
Mrs. Donny Doyle.

Ooh, did I say that?

Oh, your mom.

Okay, hit the "off"
button, honey.

Mary Maurine.

Oh, for the love of...

Hey, Donny, how's Navy college?

Not much going on here
except I got these new sandals

with this really cute flower
pattern, but the first time I wore 'em,

the strap broke off. When I brought
'em back, they gave me store credit.

I was all, "Yeah, like I wanna
buy more of your defects."

Oh, and I think we
should see other people,

and I totally understand
if you wanna tell

all your Navy friends
you broke up with me.

Good luck at war and stuff. Bye.

YIKES!

DUDE, SORRY.

SO CAN I CALL HER?

HEY, CATE, LISTEN TO THIS.

I CAME UP WITH A COUPLE OF
NAMES FOR THIS PRANKSTER.

WHICH DO YOU LIKE BETTER...

"THE LONE EGGMAN"

OR THE "NEIGHBORHOODLUM"?

WHY DON'T YOU TRY SOMETHING
LIKE "THE OAKDALE VANDAL"?

THE OAKDALE VANDAL.

WHO'S GONNA CRACK THE
CASE, THE HARDY BOYS?

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE RIGHT, PAUL.

THE LONE EGGMAN IS GOLD.

FINE, I'LL JUST TRUST MY OWN
INSTINCTS. RORY, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

NO. WHICH DO YOU LIKE BETTER?

THE NEIGHBORHOODLUM
OR THE LONE EGGMAN?

GEE, DAD, BOTH REALLY
CAPTURE THE GUY.

I KNOW.

BUT WHAT ABOUT SOMETHING
LIKE "THE INJUSTICE FIGHTER"

OR "THE RIGHTEOUS AVENGER"

YOU 10th GRADERS PICKED
ON THE WRONG GUY"?

THAT'S TOO MANY
WORDS FOR A HEADLINE.

I'LL GET IT.

HEY, WHAT'S WRONG?

DONNY.

WELL, COME IN.
WHAT... WHAT IS IT?

SOMETHING'S HAPPENED AT SCHOOL.

Both: DONNY... DONNY GOT A "B."

HERE COME THE WATERWORKS.

WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT.

YOU'RE THIS UPSET OVER A "B"?

WE DON'T EXPECT
YOU TO UNDERSTAND.

WE STILL CARE ABOUT
OUR KIDS' GRADES.

HEY, YOU KNOW, WE
STILL CARE ABOUT OUR...

I NEVER SHOULD HAVE SENT HIM
THAT BLASTED VIDEOTAPED LETTER.

FRED THINKS SOMETHING
ON IT UPSET HIM.

HE GOT THE TAPE. HE FELL APART.

MARY ELLEN, IT'S
TIME TO COME CLEAN.

WHEN WE SANG "CLIMB
EVERY MOUNTAIN,"

I SANG DONNY'S PART.

IT WAS LIKE I WAS
RUBBING HIS NOSE IN IT.

YOU'RE GONE.

I'M THE BIG BARITONE
AROUND HERE NOW, PAL.

I'M NOTHING BUT A NO-GOOD
HARMONY PART STEALER.

FRED, I'M SURE STEALING
A HARMONY PART

ISN'T THE PROBLEM.

WHAT ELSE COULD IT BE?

WELL, BRIDGET BROKE UP
WITH HIM ON THAT VIDEOTAPE.

OH, NO! I THOUGHT EVERYONE KNEW.

YOUR DAUGHTER BROKE
UP WITH OUR DONNY...

ON OUR VIDEOTAPE?

YOU TOOK DONNY'S HARMONY PART?

HA! HUH?

SEE THIS? LITTLE BRIDGEY'S
BEHIND DONNY'S DOWNFALL.

SHE ENCHANTED HIM
WITH HER FEMININE WILES

AND FLAUNTED ALL HER
WHATSITS AND WHOSITS.

- WAIT JUST A MINUTE HERE!
- NOW NOW NOW NOW,
FRED, WAIT.

IT'S NO ONE'S FAULT.

IN FACT, THERE MAY
BE A SILVER LINING

TO THIS WHOLE MESS.

EXACTLY. MAYBE NOW
DONNY CAN FOCUS

ON HIS STUDIES AGAIN.

YES, OR MAYBE, CATE,

YOU'LL START SPENDING A LITTLE MORE
TIME AT HOME BEFORE KERRY TURNS INTO

A BOY-DESTROYING
HUSSY LIKE HER SISTER.

WHOO! THAT'S TOO LATE.

WHO ARE YOU CALLING A HUSSY?
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THE...

I CAN'T DEFEND THAT.

DAD, I TOLD YOU I'M GOING TO THAT
'60s PARTY. DON'T YOU EVER LISTEN?

BOLD MOVE THERE, PAUL,

LETTING A 10-YEAR-OLD
DABBLE IN THE SUMMER OF LOVE.

I'M NOT 10!

ALL RIGHT, KERRY, GO
UPSTAIRS. I'LL HANDLE THIS.

LOOK, I AM SORRY ABOUT
DONNY AND BRIDGET,

BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN
YOU CAN INSULT MY FAMILY,

SO I AM GOING TO HAVE TO
ASK YOU TO LEAVE THIS HOUSE.

WELL, WE'RE GOING,

BUT YOU WILL RUE THIS DAY,
HENNESSY. MARK MY WORDS.

THE EYES OF THE
NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH

NO LONGER WILL
LAND UPON THIS HOUSE.

OH, NO!

HOW WILL WE EVER SURVIVE
WITHOUT PUDGY MIDDLE-AGED MEN

WITH WALKIE-TALKIES
TO PROTECT US?

IT'S TOO BAD DONNY AND
BRIDGET COULDN'T WORK IT OUT.

YEAH, THE DOYLES WILL
PROBABLY NEVER TALK TO US AGAIN.

I KNOW. I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD
BUY BRIDGET SOMETHING.

WHAT WAS THAT?

WHAT?

- THAT! IT'S HIM. HE'S HERE.
- WHO? WHO?!

THE MOTOWN DISTURBER.

REALLY? I THOUGHT
THAT'S A KEEPER.

OKAY, WHAT SHOULD WE DO?

I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

A TOILET BRUSH? ARE YOU
GONNA SCRUB HIM TO DEATH?

WOULD YOU WANNA
BE TOUCHED WITH THIS?

OW! OW! OW!

IT'S DONNY!

YOU HAD ENOUGH? HAD
ENOUGH, PUNK, HUH?

PLEASE, MR. HENNESSY!
MR. HENNESSY, I GIVE.

WAIT WAIT.

- OW!
- DONNY!

DONNY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I HAD TO SEE BRIDGET.

I NEED TO SEE
HER. I'M DESPERATE.

OH MY GOD, MR. HENNESSY,

YOU BEAT ME WITH A TOILET BRUSH?

WILL YOU STICK THE SUBJECT?
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

I HITCHHIKED ALL THE WAY HERE.

BUT TO SEE BRIDGET AGAIN, I WAS
HAPPY TO RIDE IN THE BACK OF THAT TRUCK

WITH ALL THOSE PIGS.

DID THAT COME FROM
THE MASTER BATH

OR THE GIRLS' BATHROOM?

- WHAT DOES THAT MATTER?
- YOU'RE RIGHT.

ALL THAT MATTERS IS SEEING
BRIDGET AND WINNING HER BACK.

SHE'S THE WHOLE
REASON I WENT AWOL.

AWOL? DONNY,
YOU'RE IN THE MILITARY.

THIS ISN'T JUST CUTTING CLASS.

IT'S DESERTION. THEY
SHOOT PEOPLE FOR THAT.

I DON'T CARE.

I'D GLADLY FACE A THOUSAND
A FIRING SQUADS FOR BRIDGET.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO
CALL YOUR PARENTS.

DON'T DO THAT. THEY'LL KILL ME.

WAIT, COME ON, DONNY, LISTEN.

PIGS...

I'M SERIOUS, DONNY. YOU HAVE
TO GET BACK TO YOUR DORM

BEFORE ANYONE NOTICES
YOU'VE GONE A.W.O.L.

SIR, I KNOW I CAN
MAKE BRIDGET LOVE ME.

THEN AGAIN, A LONG STRETCH IN
THE BRIG MIGHT DO YOU SOME GOOD.

CATE, HE'S NOT LISTENING.

OH, FORGET IT. I'LL WAIT UNTIL YOU'RE
OFF THE PHONE WITH THE DOYLES.

THEY WON'T EVEN NOTICE.
THEY'RE ON ANOTHER CRYING JAG.

I TOLD THEM ABOUT THE PIG TRUCK.

WHERE DO KIDS GET THIS IDEA THAT
THEY'RE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER?

PAUL, HE'S YOUNG AND
HOPELESSLY IN LOVE.

DON'T YOU REMEMBER
WHAT THAT WAS LIKE?

- NO, DO YOU?
- NO, BUT YOU PRETEND.

RIGHT.

OKAY, DONNY.

YOU AND BRIDGET ARE
OBVIOUSLY MEANT TO BE TOGETHER,

BUT IF YOU OBSESS ABOUT HER,

AND, YOU KNOW,
BREAK INTO HER HOME,

SHE COULD TAKE IT THE
WRONG WAY. YOU KNOW WOMEN,

HOW THEY ARE.

SO YOU'RE SAYING
IF SHE SEES ME HERE,

SHE MIGHT THINK I'M A
LITTLE PATHETIC AND NEEDY?

NO, I'M SAYING THAT SHE,

ALONG WITH MOST COURTS,
WILL THINK YOU'RE A STALKER.

I GOTTA GET BACK TO ANNAPOLIS.

YOU KNOW, THAT TOILET BRUSH
WHUPPING MIGHT BE THE BEST THING

THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO
ME. THANKS, MR. HENNESSY.

YOU BETCHA.

- DONNY, YOUR PARENTS
WILL BE HERE ANY MINUTE.
- OH, NO.

GEE, PAUL, YOU
REALLY PUMMELED HIM.

I FEEL BAD.

STOP GLOATING.

HE DIDN'T EVEN FIGHT BACK.

NOT AFTER THE
ASS-WHIPPING I DISHED OUT.

DONNY?

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- I AM NOT A STALKER

OR PATHETIC OR NEEDY.

YOU SMELL LIKE A PIG.

YEAH, LONG STORY.

BRIDGET, I THOUGHT
YOU WERE IN BED.

I WAS STUDYING.

- WITHOUT BOOKS?
- EVER HEAR OF THE INTERNET?

THE COMPUTER'S HERE AND
YOU DO NOT HAVE A LAPTOP.

AND WHOSE FAULT IS THAT?

OKAY, ALL RIGHT, YOU TWO, LOOK.

BEFORE BRIDGET ENDS
UP WITH A FREE LAPTOP,

WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHOW DONNY
WHERE WE KEEP THE ANTISEPTIC?

- ALL RIGHT, WHERE IS HE?
- FRED, YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE.

OUR BOY'S GONE AWOL.

SOMEBODY'S IN FOR A SPANKING.

- FRED, FRED!
- WHAT?

YOU WANNA CINCH THAT?

YOU WERE IN A FIGHT WITH MY DAD?

IT WASN'T SO MUCH A FIGHT AS...

THAT IS SO COOL.

A BATTLE TO THE DEATH.

WELL, AFTER DONNY AND
I HAD OUR LITTLE CHAT,

I'M PRETTY SURE HE'S GOING
BACK TO THE NAVAL ACADEMY.

MOM, DAD, I'M DROPPING
OUT OF THE NAVAL ACADEMY.

YOU'RE WHAT?

BRIDGET CHANGED HER
MIND. SHE'S TAKING ME BACK.

DADDY, LOOK AT HIM. HE'S
JUST SO EDWARD NORTON

IN "FIGHT CLUB" RIGHT NOW.

DONNY, YOU CAN'T THROW
EVERYTHING AWAY FOR SOME GIRL

WHO'S NOT EVEN
GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU.

IS IT YOUR LIFE'S
MISSION TO DESTROY ME?

ROBE!

BRIDGET'S NOT GOOD
ENOUGH TO DATE DONNY?

YEAH, WELL, DONNY'S NOT
GOOD ENOUGH TO DATE BRIDGET.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE
GONE TO LAW SCHOOL.

- DAD.
- NO, HONEY,
I'M FINE, THANKS.

WHAT IS IT, KERRY?

HERE WE ARE ANOTHER
MORNING TALKING ABOUT BRIDGET.

HONEY, I KNOW THAT'S HARD.

NO NO, SHE DESERVES
THE ATTENTION.

AFTER ALL, SHE DOES HAVE
TWO BOYFRIENDS RIGHT NOW.

YOU GUYS THINK I CARE THAT
NOBODY NOTICED I SNUCK OUT

AND STAYED OUT PAST CURFEW?

- WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA!
- BACK UP A SECOND.

OKAY, IT WAS JUST A FEW
MINUTES PAST CURFEW.

NOT THAT. BRIDGET
HAS TWO BOYFRIENDS?

NO ONE IS INTERESTED IN ME.

HONEY, OF COURSE
WE'RE INTERESTED IN YOU.

WHAT CAN YOU TELL
US ABOUT BRIDGET?

AND WHAT ABOUT THIS
OTHER BOYFRIEND?

- KERRY!
- WAIT, KERRY, KERRY.

WE ARE REALLY UPSET WITH YOU.

YOU GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW.

WHO AM I KIDDING?

THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.

DONNY DROPS OUT OF
SCHOOL TO BE WITH BRIDGET

AND SHE'S TWO-TIMING HIM.

YEAH, WELL, WE
HAVE TO TALK TO HER.

DAMN RIGHT WE'RE
GONNA TALK TO HER.

YOU NOTICE WE NEVER HAVE
PROBLEMS LIKE THIS WITH THE BOY.

NUH-UH.

- BYE, DAD.
- SEE YOU, SON.

YEAH.

BRIDGET, YOU'RE
GOING OUT WITH DONNY

AND YOU HAVE ANOTHER BOYFRIEND?

YEAH, ISN'T IT FUNNY HOW
EVERYTHING JUST WORKED OUT?

DO YOU REALIZE

THAT DONNY'S GIVEN UP HIS
DREAM OF BEING IN THE NAVY

TO COME HERE AND BE WITH YOU?

MEANWHILE, TOMORROW YOU
COULD JUST DECIDE TO DUMP HIM.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU
THINK I'M THAT FICKLE.

WELL, YOU DID DUMP
HIM YESTERDAY.

THAT IS SO LIKE YOU JUST
TO DREDGE UP THE PAST.

THE ONLY REASON I BROKE UP WITH HIM IS
BECAUSE YOU TOLD ME TO FOLLOW MY HEART.

WE WERE TALKING ABOUT LAW
SCHOOL. CATE, YOU'RE HERE. GOOD.

DADDY THINKS I'M FICKLE.

OH, SWEETHEART.

YOU ARE FICKLE.

GANG UP ON ME. WHAT
IS THIS, AN INTERVENTION?

BRIDGET, YOU CANNOT
DO THIS TO DONNY.

CAN'T YOU SEE YOU'RE
WRONG? CATE, TELL HER.

LOOK, PAUL, WE'VE
ALREADY TALKED TO HER.

SHE'S A BIG GIRL. SHE'S GONNA
DO WHAT SHE'S GONNA DO.

OKAY, YOU GUYS. LOOK,
JUST STOP WORRYING.

NOW THAT I'M GOING OUT WITH DONNY,
I'M GONNA BREAK IT OFF WITH DAMIAN.

WELL, IF THAT'S YOUR FINAL
DECISION, I'LL JUST WAIT FIVE MINUTES.

BRIDGE, DONNY IS RISKING
EVERYTHING FOR YOU,

AND YOU KIND OF LIKE
HIM. YOU GOTTA LET HIM GO.

WOULD IT KILL YOU FOR ONCE IN
YOUR LIFE TO LISTEN TO YOUR DAD?

I'M LISTENING. I AM LISTENING.

NOW IF YOU GUYS DON'T
MIND, I HAVE A DATE WITH DONNY

AND THIS SKIRT IS WAY TOO LONG.

THAT'S HIM.

BRIDGET.

- BRIDGET WILL
BE RIGHT DOWN.
- THANKS.

SO HAVE YOU DECIDED?

- DECIDED WHAT?
- HANGING OR FIRING SQUAD?

RORY!

I'D GO FOR HANGING.

- BREAKS THE NECK. YOU DON'T FEEL A THING.
- GET OUT, GET OUT!

- HEY, BRIDGET.
- HEY, DONNY.

- GOSH, YOU LOOK
SO BEAUTIFUL.
- THANKS.

I'M SO GLAD I DASHED MY
CHILDHOOD DREAMS FOR YOU.

OH MY GOD.

- ARE YOU OKAY, MR. HENNESSY?
- YEAH, I'M FINE. YOU HAVE FUN.

I HAVE A GREAT NIGHT PLANNED.

COOL.

ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW
WHAT, DONNY? I CAN'T DO THIS.

DO WHAT?

YOU KNOW, QUITTING NAVY
COLLEGE AND RISKING HANGING

IS LIKE THE SWEETEST THING
ANYONE'S EVER DONE FOR ME.

THANKS.

BUT I HATE TO SEE YOU
RISK YOUR WHOLE FUTURE

JUST 'CAUSE YOU'RE
CRAZY OVER ME.

I MEAN, I UNDERSTAND IT.

BUT... I CAN'T BELIEVE
I'M SAYING THIS...

I MAY NOT BE WORTH IT.

- BRIDGET...
- NO, DON'T SAY ANYTHING, OKAY?

MY MIND'S MADE UP. DONNY, YOU
HAVE TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL, OKAY?

HERE'S YOUR PIN.

- YOU BACK SO SOON?
- YOU WERE LISTENING.

NO, I WAS NOT LISTENING,

AND I AM SO PROUD OF YOU.

THAT WAS A TREMENDOUS
SACRIFICE YOU MADE, BRIDGET.

WELL, YOU KNOW, IT WAS
THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

IT WAS ACTUALLY YOU, DAD.
YOU TOLD ME NOT TO BE SELFISH,

'CAUSE I COULD BE
RUINING HIS FUTURE.

WOW, YOU LISTENED. I CAN'T TELL
YOU HOW MUCH THIS MEANS TO ME.

BESIDES WHEN HE GOT ALL CLEANED
UP AND THE BRISTLE MARKS FADED,

HE LOST HALF HIS HOTNESS.

NO, STOP RIGHT THERE.
YOU LISTENED TO YOUR DAD.

NOW HE'S NOT EVEN
NEARLY AS HOT AS DAMIAN.

NO NO NO, YOU LISTENED.

- I'M GONNA CALL DAMIAN.
- ♪ LA LA LA LA LA. ♪

YOU LISTENED. YOU'RE NOT
TAKING IT BACK. YOU LISTENED!

Paul: HELLO! ANYBODY OUT THERE?

WE'RE OUT OF TOILET PAPER AGAIN!

HOW COULD WE POSSIBLY
GO THROUGH A 20-PACK

IN TWO DAYS?

IS ANYONE OUT THERE? PLEASE.

NAH.

ALL RIGHT, I HOPE
EVERYBODY READ MY COLUMN.