8 Simple Rules (2002–2005): Season 2, Episode 2 - Sex Ed - full transcript

LOOK AT ALL THE MAKEUP
BRIDGET BOUGHT. CAN YOU BELIEVE...

LOOK, $14 FOR WHATEVER THIS IS.

EYELASH CURLER.

AND THANK HEAVENS
SHE GOT MORE LIP JUNK.

LIP GLOSS.

RORY, THERE'S A BALLGAME
ON CHANNEL 7. WATCH IT.

- HEY, GUYS.
- HEY, CARE BEAR,
LOOK AT THIS.

NOT NOW, DAD. I HAVE TO GET
READY FOR MY DATE WITH KYLE.

WAIT, THAT'S YOUR STUFF?

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S ALREADY SO
LATE. I HAVE TO STRAIGHTEN MY HAIR,

CRIMP MY EYELASHES, CREATE
CHEEKBONES OUT OF PRACTICALLY NOTHING,



WHICH IS TOTALLY YOUR
FAULT... FLAT FACED.

FLAT... FLAT FAC... I DO
NOT HAVE A FLAT FACE.

COME ON.

WELL, ANYONE LOOKS
FLAT IN A TOASTER.

LOOK, KERRY, I'VE GOT
TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

IN ALL SERIOUSNESS, EVER
SINCE YOU STARTED DATING KYLE,

YOU'VE CHANGED. YOU'RE
DIFFERENT. YOU'RE MORE...

MORE BRIDGET-Y.

RORY! YOU'RE MORE BRIDGET-ESQUE.

HOW COULD YOU
COMPARE ME TO BRIDGET?

WHERE'S MY NEW SPARKLE LIP GLOSS? I
KNOW I BOUGHT NEW SPARKLE LIP GLOSS.

OH MY GOD! WHERE'S MY
NEW SPARKLE LIP GLOSS?

- IS THIS IT?
- HE TOUCHED IT ALL OVER.

I MISS THE OLD KERRY.



THE DEPRESSED ONE
WITHOUT A BOYFRIEND?

YEAH.

WHY DO BAD THINGS
ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME?

BRIDGET, NOTHING BAD
EVER HAPPENS TO YOU.

OH, YEAH.

BUT TODAY I HEARD MOM IS
GONNA TEACH SEX ED IN MY CLASS.

- IT'S TRUE.
- DAD,

WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN
TO SUPERFICIAL PEOPLE?

- RORY!
- WAIT.

RORY, I DON'T KNOW, BUT I KNOW WHY
BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO SMART ALECKS.

SMART ALECK?

YOU KNOW, WORDS HURT, DAD.

FLAT FACE.

SO WHAT, YOU'RE
TEACHING SEX EDUCATION?

YEAH, THE SCHOOL
NEEDED A NURSE TO FILL IN

BECAUSE MISS
CALLAHAN GOT THE FLU.

REALLY? I HEARD
SHE GOT KNOCKED UP.

SO YOU JUST SAY YES

WITHOUT EVEN TOTALLY CONSIDERING
HOW IT CAN COMPLETELY RUIN MY LIFE?

BRIDGET, I THINK IT'S AN HONOR

YOUR MOTHER IS GOING TO
TEACH YOU SEXUAL EDUCATION.

AFTER ALL, SHE TAUGHT ME.

- EW!
- EW!

DO YOU GUYS NOT UNDERSTAND
WHAT SITUATION I'M IN HERE?

- DONNY DOYLE'S COMING IN
THIS WEEKEND TO SEE ME.
- SO?

SO PEOPLE ALREADY PERCEIVE MY
DATING DONNY AS A SLAP IN THE FACE,

EVEN THOUGH HE'S OLDER. HE GOES TO
THE NAVAL ACADEMY INSTEAD OF A SCHOOL.

DANIELLE'S GOING TO THIS PARTY THIS
WEEKEND. SHE'S ALL, "YOU BETTER BE THERE."

I'M ALL, "UH, YEAH." BUT DONNY'S ALL,
"UH, NO. I DON'T WANNA SHARE YOU."

WHICH IS ACTUALLY VERY
SWEET WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT.

BUT IT'S JUST THE SORT OF THING
DANIELLE'S GONNA USE AGAINST ME.

AND THEN YOU HAVE TO GO AND
EXACERBATE THE WHOLE THING

BY TEACHING SEX ED AT MY SCHOOL.

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, SHE
DID SAY "EXACERBATE."

HONEY, I THINK YOU'RE BLOWING
THIS WHOLE THING OUT OF PROPORTION.

YOU WANNA WEIGH IN HERE, PAUL?

HUH?

LOOK, IT'S JUST TWO CLASSES.

AND I WILL TRY VERY HARD
NOT TO DRAW ATTENTION

TO THE FACT THAT I'M YOUR MOM.

AND THAT'S HOW BRIDGET WAS BORN.

OOH, THIS MOVIE SOUNDS GOOD.

"HIGH-OCTANE BUTT KICKING
FROM START TO FINISH."

WELL, FAR BE IT FROM ME TO
DISAGREE WITH JEFF PAISLEY

FROM "THE SHREVEPORT
TOWN CRIER,"

BUT I REALLY WANTED TO SEE

"L'AMOUR EST L'EAU DU COEUR."

IT MEANS "LOVE IS THE
WATER OF THE HEART."

THAT DOESN'T SOUND
AS FULL OF HIGH OCTANE.

COME ON, KYLE.

IT'S MADE BY THIS REALLY AMAZING
AVANT-GARDE FRENCH DIRECTOR.

HE USES SILENCE IN A WAY THAT

IT ALMOST BECOMES A CHARACTER.

THIS GUY, HE USES HIS
BUTT CHEEKS TO TALK.

WE CAN'T EVEN AGREE ON A MOVIE.

SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE WE
HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON.

YEAH.

I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

- WANNA MAKE OUT?
- SURE.

WHOA HEY HO HO! LORD
OF THE MANOR PRESENT.

WE WEREN'T DOING ANYTHING.

OH MY GOD, DAD,
DO YOU HAVE TO...

WALK IN ON YOU AND
YOUR BOYFRIEND? YES.

DO I HAVE TO CALL THAT
YOUR BOYFRIEND? YES.

DO I HAVE TO TORTURE
YOU WITH A DANCE LIKE...

INSTEAD OF LEAVING YOU ALONE?

NO, BUT YOU DID
CALL ME A FLAT FACE.

- YOU STILL HERE?
- NO.

THANK YOU.

CALL ME LATER.

SO, CARE BEAR, I HEAR YOU'RE INTERESTED
IN SEEING THAT NEW FRENCH MOVIE.

HOW LONG WERE
YOU STANDING THERE?

DON'T WORRY. I HAD A CHAIR.

LISTEN, I WAS THINKING YOU
KNOW WHAT MIGHT BE FUN

IS IF WE SORT OF SAW THAT
MOVIE TOGETHER TONIGHT...

SORT OF A FATHER-DAUGHTER
FOREIGN FILM NIGHT.

I'D RATHER STAY HOME.

OH, GOOD! HEY, KERRY, WE
CAN HAVE A FATHER-DAUGHTER

STAY-AT-HOME DANCE NIGHT.

YEAH!

♪ GET YOUR GROOVE ON. ♪

OKAY, WE'LL GO TO THE
MOVIE. JUST STOP DOING THAT.

WORKS EVERY TIME.

- Paul: HEY, CATE!
- HI, HONEY.

KERRY AND I ARE GOING TO
SEE A FOREIGN FILM TONIGHT.

- OH, THAT'S SO NICE.
- Kerry: YOU KNOW WE'RE NOT
SITTING TOGETHER, RIGHT?

I'M EXCITED TOO!

HEY, MOM, I PARKED THE CAR.

IT'S ALL SNUG IN ITS
SPOT IN THE GARAGE,

JUST LIKE HOW DAD'S SPERM
SNUGLY PARKED ITSELF INTO YOUR EGG

WHEN YOU DECIDED TO
HAVE SEX AND RUIN MY LIFE.

I CAME UP WITH A LITTLE
CAR ANALOGY FOR THE CLASS.

CUTE, WHAT DO YOU
MEAN LITTLE CAR?

IT WAS THE WORST
DAY OF MY ENTIRE LIFE.

WORSE THAN THE TIME YOU WORE A
BLACK SKIRT AND A BLACK TOP TO SCHOOL

AND YOU DIDN'T NOTICE THEY WERE
TWO DIFFERENT BLACKS TILL YOU GOT HOME

AND I SHOWED YOU?

THAT'S IT, RORY. WE'RE
CANCELING BRAVO.

YOU SAID YOU WOULDN'T
EMBARRASS ME, MOM.

YOU SAID NO ONE WOULD
KNOW YOU WERE MY MOTHER.

I KNOW, HONEY. I WAS
TRYING SO HARD NOT TO.

IT JUST BLURTED OUT.

YOU COULD HAVE STOPPED
AT HOW I WAS CONCEIVED.

YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO
TELL THEM WHERE.

YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE THE
BEACH. GOD, THIS IS SO UNFAIR.

DID SHE SAY PENIS?

I'M NEVER SHOWING MY
FACE IN THAT SCHOOL AGAIN.

- PENIS AND VAGINA?
- RORY!

WE DON'T SAY THOSE WORDS.

- WHY NOT?
- I DON'T KNOW.

DID YOU HAVE A ROUGH DAY TODAY?

NO, IT WASN'T THAT BAD,

BUT I FOUND OUT TOMORROW I
HAVE TO TALK ABOUT CONTRACEPTION.

AND THE ONLY THING THE SCHOOL
WILL LET ME DISCUSS IS ABSTINENCE.

FINALLY, OUR TAX
DOLLARS PUT TO GOOD USE.

I DON'T KNOW. I JUST
THINK IT'S IRRESPONSIBLE

TO SAY THAT ABSTINENCE
IS THE ONLY OPTION.

I SEE TEENAGERS AT
THE HOSPITAL EVERY DAY

AND THEY'RE IN TROUBLE ALREADY.

THEY NEED TO KNOW
ABOUT SAFE SEX.

OR YOU COULD TEACH
THEM THAT SEX IS BAD,

THAT IF THEY HAVE IT, THEY'LL
GO BLIND OR GO TO HELL.

YOU'RE THE TEACHER, YOU DECIDE.

HI, GUYS, HOW WAS THE MOVIE?

- FINE.
- FINE.

DID SOMETHING HAPPEN?

THERE WAS THIS SCENE. THIS...

THIS SCENE WAS SO INCREDIBLY...

EUROPEAN.

- HOT SEX?
- RORY.

- SORRY. DID I
CRACK YOUR CODE?
- RORY.

- SO WHAT DID YOU DO?
- NOTHING.

- YOU DID NOTHING?
- YES, I DID NOTHING. WHAT ELSE COULD I DO?

YOU COULD HAVE LEFT.

OH, YEAH, I NEVER
THOUGHT OF THAT.

- I'LL GO TALK TO HER. IT'S OKAY.
- OH, GOD.

WOW, YOU SAW THE WATER
BOTTLE SCENE WITH KERRY?

YOU KNOW ABOUT THE
WATER BOTTLE SCENE?

OH, YEAH, THE WATER
BOTTLE SCENE IS FAMOUS.

ALL MY FRIENDS ARE
DOWNLOADING IT OFF THE INTERNET.

NOT ME, THOUGH, 'CAUSE I'M NOT OLD
ENOUGH TO SEE THAT KIND OF THING.

AND IT'S ILLEGAL AND
IT OBJECTIFIES WOMEN,

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.

WAIT A MINUTE. ALL
YOUR LITTLE FRIENDS

ARE WATCHING THAT
SCENE FROM THAT MOVIE?

THE WATER BOTTLE SCENE
IS LIKE MY GENERATION'S

PAM ANDERSON/TOMMY LEE TAPE,

WHICH OF COURSE,
I'VE NOT SEEN EITHER.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD
TAKE KERRY TO SEE IT.

Well, it's getting late.

Yes, it is.

Man: How do you say good night?

AND YOUR MOM'S THE TEACHER.

- I'll call you next week.
- Will you?

Well, thanks so much.

- I had loads of fun.
- So did I.

- Good night, Woody.
- Good night, Ann.

Man: And thus Woody leaves,

knowing with great pride
that this is another night

he did not have sex.

OKAY, SO THAT'S ABSTINENCE.

CLEARLY, IT'S BEEN
AROUND FOREVER.

YO, MISS HENN, THAT MOVIE
WAS ALL RATED "G" AND WHATNOT.

NAH, IT WAS LESS
THAN "G." IT WAS LIKE "F."

YEAH, WOODY'S GOT NO GAME.

LOOK, IF YOU HAVE
SOMETHING TO SAY,

PLEASE RAISE YOUR HAND. ANTHONY.

YEAH, DAWG BE COLD
SAYING HASTA TO A LADY

WITH SUCH A FINE
BOOTY LIKE THAT.

BUT I'LL BET MY MONEY THE DAWG
BE WALKING ALL SWISHY SWISHY,

PLAYING FOR THE OTHER
TEAM AND WHATNOT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

WE ALL HAVE CERTAIN URGES.

HEY, BRIDGET, YOUR
MOM JUST SAID URGES.

KILL ME.

AND IF YOU RESPECT YOURSELF,

YOU WILL SHUT DOWN THOSE URGES.

SHE TOTALLY SAID IT AGAIN.

AND THEN WHEN YOU'VE FINALLY
MADE A COMMITMENT TO GET MARRIED

AND YOU FINALLY
SATISFY THOSE URGES...

STOP SAYING URGES!

THERE ARE OTHER WORDS.

IT WILL BE ALL THAT MUCH
SWEETER BECAUSE YOU WAITED.

WAITED? DANG, THIS SUCKS!

SHE TRYING TO TURN US
INTO A BUNCH OF WOODYS.

ALL RIGHT, KIDS, OKAY.

I COULD GET IN BIG TROUBLE
FOR TELLING YOU THIS,

BUT THERE ARE
ALTERNATIVES TO ABSTINENCE.

WHAT ARE SOME OF
THOSE ALTERNATIVES,

BRIDGET'S MOM?

WELL, JENNA, RATHER
THAN SPEAK IN GENERALITIES,

WHY DON'T WE JUST ANSWER SOME
OF THOSE QUESTIONS YOU SUBMITTED

TO MISS CALLAHAN LAST WEEK?

LET'S SEE.

"I HAVE A MUCH OLDER
BOYFRIEND WHO LIVES IN MARYLAND.

HE'S COMING TO VISIT
ME THIS WEEKEND

AND I'M FEELING
PRESSURE TO HAVE SEX.

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

OH, AND I THINK YOU SHOULD KNOW

I'M REALLY GORGEOUS!"

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT YOU SHOULD DO.

ABSTINENCE! ABSTINENCE!

YOU HEAR ME, MISSY?

UH... WHOEVER YOU ARE.

PAUL, HOW MANY TIMES YOU
GONNA READ THAT THING?

THE WORDS AREN'T GONNA CHANGE.

DONNY DOYLE IS COMING
OVER TO OUR HOUSE

TO HAVE SEX WITH OUR DAUGHTER.

HE'S GONNA BE
HAVING SEX ALL RIGHT,

- BUT IT'S NOT GONNA BE
WITH OUR DAUGHTER.
- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

I DON'T KNOW. YOU JUST
GAVE ME THIS 10 MINUTES AGO.

I'M STILL FORMULATING A PLAN.

I'M JUST SO DISAPPOINTED
WITH MYSELF.

I SOUNDED LIKE MY MOTHER.

I ACTUALLY THINK I
SAID THE WORD MISSY.

AND I ACTUALLY BELIEVED DONNY

WHEN HE TOLD ME THAT
HE WAS CHOOSING CELIBACY.

A TEENAGE BOY DOESN'T
CHOOSE CELIBACY.

CELIBACY CHOOSES
YOU... HIM... TEENAGE BOY.

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

LOOK, CATE, WE CAN'T JUST TALK

TO BRIDGET ABOUT CONTRACEPTION.

MIGHT AS WELL JUST FLUFF
HER PILLOWS AND MAKE HER

SOME PEANUT BUTTER
AND JELLY SANDWICHES.

YOU ARE AWARE, PAUL,
THAT ONLY WORKS FOR YOU.

DON'T YOU SEE? IF WE DO THAT,

IT'D BE LIKE WE'RE GIVING
HER PERMISSION TO HAVE SEX.

AND IF WE TELL HER
YOU CAN'T HAVE SEX,

YOU KNOW SHE'S
DEFINITELY GONNA HAVE IT.

WHY COULDN'T SHE HAVE
BEEN BORN HIDEOUSLY UGLY?

UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX TOO.

EW!

YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A
CONFUSING TIME FOR THESE KIDS.

THE MEDIA BOMBARDS THEM
WITH ALL THESE SEX IMAGES.

WHY DO THEY HAVE TO MAKE
IT LOOK SO DAMN APPEALING?

I BLAME THE FRENCH AND
THEIR CRAZY SEX WATER.

AS DO WE ALL, PAUL.

OKAY, LOOK, YOU KNOW WE ARE
GOING TO HAVE TO TALK TO HER.

FINE, WE'LL TALK TO HER
BEFORE HER DATE WITH DONNY.

IT'S SO HARD TO BE A GIRL.

YOU LIKE A GUY SO MUCH

AND YOU JUST WANT TO BE
WITH HIM. IT FEELS SO RIGHT.

IS THAT HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT ME?

- SOMETIMES.
- SOMETIMES?

OH, GOD, HELP US.

PEOPLE WERE BUTT-NAKED,
MOANING LIKE NO TOMORROW

AND I'M SITTING LIKE
THIS CLOSE TO DAD.

HELLO, MY SOCIAL STANDING
COULD BE IMPACTED FOR DECADES

THE WAY MOM'S TALKING ABOUT
HOW EVERYONE HAS THESE URGES.

OH, YEAH? WELL, I STARTED TO
CHOKE ON A POPCORN KERNEL

AND OXYGEN CUT OFF TO MY
BRAIN AND EVERYTHING WENT BLACK.

MOM SAID VULVA.

YOU WIN.

KERRY, COULD YOU GO
DOWNSTAIRS FOR A SECOND?

WE WANT TO TALK TO YOUR SISTER.

SURE, MOM. DAD.

KERRY.

I WANT TO LOOK ABSOLUTELY PERFECT
FOR MY DATE WITH DONNY TONIGHT.

- WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS TOP?
- I THINK IT SHOULD STAY ON.

I NEED SOMETHING THAT SAYS
I'M OLDER, MORE SOPHISTICATED.

SOMETHING THAT SAYS I'M A WOMAN.

'CAUSE TONIGHT'S A BIG NIGHT.

NO, TONIGHT IS NOT THE BIG NIGHT,
AND DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?

I'LL TELL YOU WHY. CATE...

HONEY, YOU KNOW YOUR
DAD AND I WERE TOGETHER

FOR A LONG TIME BEFORE
WE HAD A BIG NIGHT.

AND MIGHT I ADD

WE WERE DELIRIOUSLY HAPPY
WITH ALL OF OUR LITTLE NIGHTS.

YEARS AND YEARS OF LITTLE
NIGHTS. LITTLE TEENY WEENIE NIGHTS.

HE SAID TEENY WEENIE.

- BRIDGET.
- WHAT?

LOOK, WHAT WE'RE
TRYING TO SAY IS THAT SEX

IS A BIG STEP FOR ALL OF US.

YEAH, AND WE IN NO WAY
WANT YOU TO HAVE SEX.

WE ARE NOT GIVING
YOU PERMISSION.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

FINE. YOU WANT ME
TO SAY IT? I'LL SAY IT.

SAFE SEX, CONDOMS,
YOU KNOW THE DRILL.

LOOK, WHAT YOUR FATHER'S TRYING
TO SAY IS THAT WHEN IT COMES TO SEX,

WE TRUST YOU TO ACT RESPONSIBLY.

WHAT IS WITH YOU PEOPLE?
YOU'RE ALL JUST SEX SEX SEX.

IT'S LIKE YOU HAVE
A ONE-TRACK MIND

AND IT'S ALL
WHATCHAMACALLIT... SEX.

- HONEY, WE KNOW
YOU WROTE THAT QUESTION.
- WHAT QUESTION?

FROM A GIRL WHOSE BOYFRIEND
IS COMING FROM MARYLAND

AND HE'S COMING TO
TOWN TO... YOU KNOW.

- OH, YOU THOUGHT
THAT WAS ME?
- UH-HUH.

NO, THAT WAS TOTALLY WRITTEN BY
THAT NEW GIRL WHO CAME FROM MARYLAND.

LARA O'NEILL. YEAH, AND SHE'S
DEFINITELY NOT GORGEOUS.

I MEAN, TALK ABOUT
OVERINFLATED SELF-ESTEEM.

IF SOMEBODY'S WILLING TO SLEEP
WITH HER, SHE SHOULD JUMP ON IT.

LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE
GOT A LITTLE PARANOID.

OH, GOSH, I GOTTA GO.

HOW DO I LOOK? WOW, REALLY GOOD.

BRIDGET, SINCE YOU AND
DONNY AREN'T HAVING SEX,

WHAT'S UP FOR TONIGHT?

PG MOVIE, HOME BY
11:00, YOU KNOW THE DRILL.

AFTER THE MOVIE, WHY DON'T YOU
AND DONNY STOP BY SO WE CAN SAY HI?

NO, I TOLD THE DOYLES
AFTER THE MOVIE

I'D BE MARY ELLEN'S
PARTNER IN BIBLE TRIVIA.

GODSPEED.

OH MY GOD!

THIS MOVIE SOUNDS AMAZING.

I'D SHOW YOU THE
WATER BOTTLE SCENE,

BUT MY DAD MADE ME DELETE
IT FROM MY HARD DRIVE.

LUCKILY, I'VE GOT
IT ALL UP HERE.

- HEY.
- HEY.

OUT!

HI.

YOU KNOW, I WAS A
JERK THE OTHER DAY.

I WAS TOTALLY WRONG
ABOUT THAT FRENCH MOVIE.

IT WAS IMPORTANT
TO YOU, ALL RIGHT?

AND I THINK WE SHOULD
REALLY GO SEE IT.

YOU HEARD ABOUT THE SCENE.

THERE'S A SEXY
WATER BOTTLE SCENE?

I HAD NO IDEA.

GO HOME.

I HATE HAVING A
SMART GIRLFRIEND.

- DAD.
- KERRY.

CARE BEAR, HANG ON. WAIT
A SECOND. WE HAVE TO TALK.

- I DON'T WANT TO TALK.
- I THINK WE SHOULD
ABOUT THE MOV...

WHAT WE SAW THE
OTHER DAY. IT WAS...

- WHAT?
- IT'S JUST THAT,

YOU KNOW, REMEMBER
WHEN THE GUY WITH THE...

THE... WITH THE...

YOU KNOW WHAT? NEVER
MIND, KERRY. GOOD NIGHT.

NO, WAIT.

NO, NOT GOOD NIGHT.

DAD, WE HAVE NOTHING
TO BE EMBARRASSED ABOUT.

YOU'RE RIGHT. NIGHT.

NO, WAIT, DAD.

COME HERE, SIT DOWN.

OKAY, YOU WERE THINKING

SHOULD YOU COVER MY EYES

OR SHOULD YOU LAUGH

OR SHOULD YOU JUST DO NOTHING

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, LET ME
DRAW MY OWN CONCLUSIONS

INSTEAD OF TREATING
ME LIKE A CHILD.

YES, THAT WAS ONE.

OKAY, BUT YOU HAVE TO
ADMIT IT WAS REALLY WEIRD.

OH, GOD, THAT WAS
ONE OF THE WEIRD...

OKAY, BUT, DAD, STOP.

STOP WORRYING.

I MEAN, I'M NOT SCARRED FOR LIFE

AND DESPITE BEING TEMPORARILY
TOTALLY CREEPED OUT,

I DIDN'T HATE HAVING A
FATHER-DAUGHTER THING.

- GOOD.
- OKAY.

SO WE CAN DO THIS
AGAIN SOME TIME.

YEAH, IN LIKE A BILLION YEARS.

IT'S A DATE!

THE BOY, COME HERE.

HEY, RIGHT HERE.
SIT DOWN, PARK IT.

HEY, ROR. BOY, I'LL
TELL YOU SOMETHING.

IT IS NOT E-A-S-Y BEING THE
FATHER OF TEENAGE GIRLS.

BUT I THINK I'M REALLY EVOLVING.

AND AS FOR YOU, YOUNG MAN,

DID YOU DELETE YOUR
DOWNLOADED MOVIES?

LOOK, OFFICER INTERNET,

IF YOU'RE SO WORRIED
ABOUT OBSCENE MATERIAL,

- YOU SHOULD PROBABLY TAKE
A LOOK ACROSS THE STREET.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

YOUR DAUGHTER'S ALONE
WITH A SEX-STARVED SAILOR

WHO HASN'T SEEN A
WOMAN IN MONTHS.

RORY, SHE IS NOT ALONE.
SHE'S WITH THE DOYLES.

AND EVEN IF SHE WASN'T,
I TRUST MY DAUGHTER.

DOES IT CONCERN YOU THAT THE DOYLE'S
MOTOR HOME IS NOT IN THE DRIVEWAY?

NO, THERE COULD BE
A THOUSAND REASONS

WHY THEIR CAMPER'S
NOT IN THE DRIVEWAY.

LIKE IT'S IN BRANSON WITH
THE REST OF THE DOYLES,

WHERE IT'S BEEN SINCE THURSDAY?

WHERE THEY'RE CELEBRATING
THE OSMOND FAMILY REUNION?

CATE, ARE YOU HEARING THIS?

BIBLE TRIVIA, MY ASS!

I HATE THE FRENCH.

BACK TO THE INTERNET.

LARA O'NEILL?

UH, LARA O'NEILL?

LARA O'NEILL, NEW
GIRL FROM MARYLAND?

DOES ANYONE KNOW A LARA O'NEILL?

ANYONE?

I'M SICK.