8 Simple Rules (2002–2005): Season 2, Episode 1 - Premiere - full transcript

Cate awaits the results of her pregnancy test while Bridget struggles with her long distance relationship with Donny Doyle. A new student at school catches Bridget's wandering eye. Meanwhile, Cate is stunned by Paul's insensitivity and selfishness when he reveals to her that he's not sure he's ready for another child in the house.

OKAY, YOUR SISTER'S GONE.
THE KIDS ARE ALL UPSTAIRS.

SO THE PREGNANCY TEST IS YOURS?

YEAH.

I TOOK THE TEST
AND IT WAS NEGATIVE.

OH, YOU GOT ME SO EXCITED THERE

THINKING I WAS GONNA
BE A FATHER AGAIN.

WELL, THEN MY BODY
STILL DIDN'T FEEL RIGHT,

SO I REARRANGED THE FURNITURE.

OH YEAH, IT LOOKS NICE.

I LIKE THIS FLOW
YOU'VE GOT HERE.

NO NO, PAUL, YOU
DON'T UNDERSTAND.



I TOOK IT AGAIN
AND IT WAS POSITIVE.

WHAT? HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?

HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?

WELL, YOU SEE, PAUL, YOU KNOW,
A MAN AND A WOMAN FALL IN LOVE

- AND AT SOME POINT...
- I KNOW HOW IT HAPPENS.

HEY, HONEY, LISTEN, IF YOUR BODY'S
GOING THROUGH WEIRD THINGS,

MAYBE IT'S JUST THAT YOU'RE
GOING THROUGH MEN... MEN...

MANY DIFFERENT
THINGS, MY CHILD BRIDE.

CATE, LOOK, IT'S JUST THAT, YOU
KNOW, I'M TRYING TO WRITE MY BOOK,

AND THE COLUMN
ISN'T CATCHING FIRE,

AND IT'S JUST REALLY A BAD TIME
RIGHT NOW FOR ME TO HAVE A BABY.

AH.

WELL, HOW ABOUT IF I
CARRIED IT FOR YOU?

THIS IS THE WORST THING
IN THE WHOLE WORLD.



BRIDGET, YOU SHOULDN'T
BE EAVESDROPPING.

SO YOUR MOTHER
MAY BE PREGNANT, IT...

THERE IT IS.

"BRIDGET HENNESSY IS
SO FIVE MINUTES AGO"?

OH MY GOD.

BRIDGET, YOU DON'T
READ THIS STUPID STUFF.

OH, MY GOSH. AND IT SAYS,

"LOOK AT HER SISTER.
SHE'S SO RIGHT NOW."

IT DOES?

OH MY GOD, THIS IS
SO... WAIT A MINUTE.

MOM, YOU'RE PREGNANT?

MOM, YOU'RE PREGNANT?

WOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

KERRY'S POPULAR.

MOM'S PREGNANT?

I'M TOO YOUNG TO
BE A GRANDSISTER.

WOW, I MUST BE,
LIKE, SUPER SMART.

- HELLO.
- KIDS, YOUR MOTHER
AND I NEED TO DISCUSS...

OH, OUR MOTHER AND YOU HAVE DONE
ENOUGH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, MISTER.

FAMILY MEETING.

YOU CAN'T CALL A
FA... WAIT A MINUTE.

HOW COME EACH TIME
I CALL A FAMILY MEET...

FINE, GO AHEAD.

ALL RIGHT, THIS
MEETING IS IN ORDER.

HAVE YOU NO SELF-CONTROL,
FATHER? CAN'T YOU KEEP IT ZIPPED?

HEY!

YEAH, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TWO
ARE HAVING UNPROTECTED SEX.

- ♪ UNPROTECTED SEX! ♪
- HEY!

I MEAN, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF I
CAME HOME AND SAID I WAS PREGNANT?

HONEY, IT'S A LITTLE BIT DIFFERENT.
AND LET ME TELL YOU WHY.

- ♪ TELL YOU WHY! ♪
- STOP IT!

PAUL, YOU HAD TO
GET HIM A GUITAR.

YOU WANT THE MONKEY BACK?

I CAN'T BELIEVE MY
MOTHER MAY BE PREGNANT.

I MEAN, I'M 17. WHEN THE
BABY'S MY AGE, I'LL BE...

DANCING AROUND A POLE?

UNPOPULAR AND A PREGNANT MOTHER.

MY LIFE IS SO OVER.

- DONNY?
- HANG UP.

- HANG UP!
- DONNY, I HAVE TO GO.

MY DAD GOT MY MOM IN TROUBLE.

NO, YOU HANG UP FIRST.

NO, YOU.

YOU.

OKAY, WE'LL COUNT TO
THREE AND HANG UP TOGETHER.

ONE TWO THREE.

- NO, YOU HANG UP FIRST.
- GIMME THAT!

THAT'S IT. GIVE ME THE
PHONE. DONNY, GOODBYE.

NO, YOU HANG UP FIRST.

NO!

CAN WE FOCUS, PLEASE?

NOW YOUR MOTHER IS NOT
NECESSARILY PREGNANT.

WELL, AND I'M NOT
NECESSARILY NOT PREGNANT.

YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU'RE
PREGNANT YOUR BREASTS GET BIGGER.

- KYLE, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING HERE?
- I CAME BY TO SEE KERRY.

FIRST BRIDGET, NOW KERRY?

KYLE, WHAT ARE YOUR
INTENTIONS WITH MY DAUGHTERS?

I CAN'T TELL YOU THAT.

YOU'RE THE FATHER.

OKAY OKAY, NOT BY THE BELT
LOOPS. I'M GOING COMMANDO.

- FRED AND MARY ELLEN.
- OY, ME BUCKO.

WE JUST WANTED TO BRING A
BUNDT CAKE OVER NOW THAT...

WELL, WHAT WITH DONNY AND BRIDGET
GOING STEADY, WE'RE PRACTICALLY...

PEOPLE WHO LIVE
ACROSS THE STREET.

MRS. HENNESSY'S PREGNANT.

MIGHT BE. I MIGHT BE.

WHAT? A HENNESSY
BUNDT IN THE OVEN?

OH, I SWEAR IT'S LIKE
LIVING WITH DICK CAVETT.

YEAH, OH, SOME GUYS
HAVE ALL THE LUCK.

OH, DEAR! OH, DEAR!

- Fred: CAKE'S ON THE PORCH!
- THANK YOU!

LOOK, MAY I SAY SOMETHING?

YOU MIGHT TRY SAYING NO
ONCE IN A BLUE MOON, MISSY.

ALL RIGHT, LOOK, I AM
GONNA GET A DEFINITIVE TEST

AT THE HOSPITAL TOMORROW.

KERRY, ARE THOSE MY EARRINGS?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

THEY ARE MY EARRINGS.

OKAY, FIRST YOU STEAL MY
POPULARITY AND THEN MY EARRINGS?

YOU FORGOT ABOUT YOUR BOYFRIEND.

- YOU WANNA ADD
TO THIS BROOD?
- ME?

- THAT'S IT, GET UP.
- STOP!

GET UP ON THIS COUCH. YOU STOP.

- YOU BROKE MY EARRING!
- STOP FIGHTING OR I'M GONNA
TURN THIS CAR RIGHT AROUND.

PAUL, WE'RE IN THE LIVING ROOM.

- IT'S A SAYING.
- IT'S A SAYING IN A CAR.

- HEMINGWAY SAID
IT ALL THE TIME.
- NO, HE DIDN'T.

I THOUGHT WE AGREED NOT TO MAKE
ME LOOK STUPID IN FRONT OF THE KIDS.

THIS IS A MADHOUSE. I'M SUPPOSED
TO BRING A BABY INTO THIS MADHOUSE?

GOOD MORNING.

I SAID GOOD MORNING.
WHAT'S WRONG?

WHAT'S WRONG?

I SAY I MAY BE PREGNANT,

AND YOU SAY, "HOW
COULD THIS HAPPEN?"

BUT I JUST LOST MY BABY
WEIGHT FROM THE LAST ONE.

I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED.

IT WENT A LITTLE
SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

YOU'VE GOTTA GET A NEW VOICE.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- I'M SURPRISING MOM WITH
BREAKFAST IN BED,

AND I MADE HER A CARD.

- "AND I MADE HER A CARD."
- YOU ARE SUCH A GIRL.

OUR LITTLE SISTER, RORY.

HEY, SHE SEEMED PRETTY
TICKED OFF LAST NIGHT.

I'M JUST SAVING MY BUTT.

- OH.
- NO, HEY, NO!

JUST GIVE IT TO ME!

Kids: SURPRISE!

BRIDGET, WOULD YOU
PLEASE PASS THE MILK?

YOU DON'T DESERVE MILK.

YOU COULD'VE KNOCKED.

IT'S 7:00 IN THE MORNING. I
THOUGHT YOU COULDN'T DO ANYTHING

UNTIL YOU HAD YOUR
FIRST CUP OF COFFEE.

YEAH, I MEAN, THERE'S
ALREADY ONE BABY.

WHAT WERE YOU TRYING
TO DO? MAKE TWINS? JEEZ!

YEAH, THAT'S HOW IT HAPPENS.

ALL RIGHT, YOU
GUYS, KNOCK IT OFF.

NOW LOOK, I AM SORRY
THAT YOU WALKED IN ON US,

BUT YOU ARE JUST GONNA
HAVE TO ACCEPT THE FACT

THAT YOUR FATHER
AND I ARE SEXUAL BEINGS.

COME ON, KIDS, KNOCK IT OFF.

DON'T YOU SEE YOUR MOTHER'S
GOING THROUGH A PREGNANCY SCARE?

OH, SO NOW IT'S A SCARE?

WHICH APPARENTLY I'M
GOING THROUGH ALONE.

YOU KNOW, YOU GUYS ARE AMAZING.

YOU ARE TOTALLY SELF-CENTERED.

UNBELIEVABLE. GOODBYE.

LOOKS LIKE WE WON'T BE WALKING
IN ON YOU TWO ANYTIME SOON.

BRIDGET.

HEY, BRIDGET.

IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

THERE'S JUST A LOT OF
SOCIETAL PRESSURE ON ME

TO BE ALL OVER YOUR SISTER.

WELL, I DON'T HAVE
ANY TIME TO CONVO.

I HAVE TO CALL MY OLDER
BOYFRIEND WHO'S IN COLLEGE!

HI, IS MIDSHIPMAN
DONNY DOYLE THERE?

- DONNY!
- HEY, BRIDGET.

DONNY, YOU MISS ME, DON'T YOU?

OF COURSE I DO.

I CAN'T GET MY MIND OFF YOU.

IN FACT I WAS THINKING ABOUT
YOU SO MUCH DURING CHESS CLUB,

I OPENED UP WITH A
POLISH GAMBIT ACCEPTED

WHEN I SHOULD'VE OPENED UP
WITH A POLISH GAMBIT DENIED.

I MEAN, DUH.

CHESS CLUB?

DONNY, YOU'RE COOL AT
NAVY COLLEGE, AREN'T YOU?

ARE YOU KIDDING? I AM WAY COOL.

Guy: HEY, DOYLE'S
GOT A GIRLFRIEND!

SHUT UP. YOU'VE
GOT A GIRLFRIEND!

BRIDGET, I GOTTA GO.

THE NEW KID.

THE NEW KID.

THE NEW KID.

MMM, PUDDING.

THIS PUDDING SUCKS.

THIS PUDDING SUCKS.

HEY.

THERE'S SOMETHING
YOU SHOULD KNOW.

I HAVE A BOYFRIEND ALREADY.
HE'S AT NAVY COLLEGE

AND HE CAN DO THE POLISH GAMBIT.

I WAS GONNA SAY,
"PASS THE SALT."

PUDDING, MMM.

SOMETIMES ALL YOU
NEED IS A LITTLE SPICE.

THAT'S DEEP.

NO NO, IT'S WIDE.

IF I WENT DEEP, YOU
COULDN'T FIND ME.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

I DON'T KNOW.

- I'M BRIDGET.
- DAMIAN.

THERE'S SOMETHING
YOU SHOULD KNOW.

I'M KIND OF AN
OUTCAST RIGHT NOW.

I'M THINKING ABOUT
BUYING A MOTORCYCLE.

HENNESSY! JUST THE MAN I WANNA
SEE. HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO TURN...

TOMMY, I'M HAVING A BAD DAY.

OH, POOR ME. YOU'RE
HAVING A BAD DAY.

I'M ON SEXUAL
HARASSMENT PROBATION

THANKS TO, WHAT'S HER
NAME... BOOBS IN RECEPTION.

LISTEN,

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE
TO TURN 500 BUCKS

INTO $3,000 BY MONDAY MORNING?

- IT'S GUARANTEED.
- OH, TOMMY, NO.

- WHAT'S WRONG, PAL?
- OH, HEY, PAUL.

FRED!

THE RECEPTIONIST WITH THE
BIG FRONT PORCH SENT ME UP.

HEY, YOU LOOK LIKE A SMART
FELLOW. HOW'D YOU LIKE TO TURN...

- TOMMY.
- OKAY.

- SIT DOWN, FRED.
- OH, THANK YOU.

SO, ANY SPECIAL REASON
YOU'RE DROPPING BY?

WELL, I KINDA READ BETWEEN
THE LINES LAST NIGHT

WHEN YOU SLAMMED
THE DOOR IN OUR FACES.

- I'M SORRY, FRED.
- NO PROBLEM.

I KINDA SENSED YOUR STRESS,

WHAT WITH YOU AND CATE AND YOUR
IMPENDING FATHERHOOD POTENTIALITY.

- WELL, NOTHING'S FOR SURE.
- YEAH, NO, I PICKED UP
ON THAT TOO.

FRED, I DON'T REALLY NEED...

SEE, ME AND MARY ELLEN, WELL,
WE CAN'T HAVE KIDS OF OUR OWN.

OH, I HAD NO IDEA.

ALL YOUR KIDS ARE ADOPTED?

YEAH YEAH.

WELL, WE THINK
DONNY'S A KENNEDY.

I JUST CAME DOWN TO TELL YOU
THAT I THINK YOU'RE A GOOD FATHER.

YEAH, I'VE SEEN YOU.

BESIDES, YOU'RE NOT IN
THIS ALONE, YOU KNOW.

YOU AND CATE ARE IN IT TOGETHER.

TWO PEAS IN A POD AS IT WERE.

LISTEN, I BETTER
SHOVE OFF, BOYO.

OH, YEAH.

IF YOU'RE FINISHED WITH THE CAKE,
MARY ELLEN WOULD LIKE THE PAN BACK.

OH MY GOD.

CATE AND I ARE IN THIS TOGETHER,

AND I'VE ONLY BEEN
THINKING ABOUT MYSELF...

MY CAREER, MY STUPID
BOOK, MY FINANCES.

I FEEL AS IF I'VE LET HER DOWN.

THAT'S NOT WHAT A HUSBAND DOES.

DON'T BE SO HARD
ON YOURSELF, PAUL.

YOU AND I ARE TERRIFIC HUSBANDS.

HEY, WANNA GET DRUNK?

- COME ON, YOU,
ME AND CARLA.
- WHO?

JUGS IN RECEPTION.

BUT YOU GOTTA ASK HER.

OKAY, STOP IT. WHAT
ARE YOU LAUGHING AT,

MR. MOM-STILL-CUTS-MY-HAIR?

AND YOU, NOSE-JOB-
OVER-THE-SUMMER,

AND DON'T EVEN GET ME
STARTED, GIRL-WHO-FARTED-

DURING-CRUNCHES-IN-GYM-CLASS.

GET OUTTA HERE. BYE.

I AM SO EMBARRASSED.

I'M NEVER GONNA GET THE HANG
OF THESE HEELS OR POPULARITY.

OH, COME ON, STOP IT.
HERE, JUST TAKE MY SHOES.

- THEY'RE TOO BIG.
- THANKS.

JUST TAKE THEM, SERIOUSLY.

SHUFFLING IS
SEXIER THAN FALLING.

BRIDGE, WHY ARE
YOU BEING NICE TO ME?

I DON'T KNOW, 'CAUSE
YOU'RE MY SISTER,

Both: AND YOU'RE THE
ONLY SISTER I'LL EVER HAVE.

HOW MANY TIMES HAS
MOM SAID THAT TO US?

Both: MOM.

WELL, MOM'S GONNA
NEED A NEW CATCHPHRASE.

WE MAY HAVE A BABY SISTER.

YEAH, MAYBE YOU
GUYS CAN SHARE SHOES.

THIS IS REALLY BIG FOR HER.

I KNOW AND ALL WE'VE BEEN DOING
IS THINKING ABOUT OURSELVES.

WE WERE REALLY MEAN.

GOD, HOW COULD WE BE SO SELFISH?

I BLAME MOM.

Both: MOM.

YOO-HOO, CATE!

MARY ELLEN, YOU'RE HERE...

VOLUNTEERING ON MY DAY.

OH, PISH-TOSH.

NOW I KNOW YOU'RE A LITTLE
STRESSED ABOUT THIS BABY THING.

A LITTLE.

I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN
BE A MOTHER AGAIN.

I'VE BEEN SO UPSET
WITH MY FAMILY,

I HAVEN'T EVEN HAD TIME
TO THINK ABOUT WHAT I WANT.

I JUST GOT MY CAREER BACK.

PAUL IS NOT IN THE
BEST PLACE AND...

BUT, YOU KNOW, I MISS
THEM WHEN THEY'RE LITTLE.

I DON'T KNOW.

HEY, CATE, THE LAB CALLED,

AND YOUR PEE'S ON DECK.

OH, GOD.

YOU KNOW, I NEVER THOUGHT THAT
I COULD HANDLE MORE THAN ONE,

- MARY ELLEN, I REALLY...
- AND THEN BEFORE WE KNEW IT

WE HAD FIVE WHEN WE
ADOPTED MARY MAUREEN.

AND I HAVE TO TELL
YOU I LOVE THEM ALL.

AND I WANNA SAY TO YOU
THAT SOMEHOW IT WORKS OUT.

I DIDN'T KNOW LITTLE MARY
MAUREEN WAS ADOPTED.

- OH, YES,
THEY'RE ALL ADOPTED.
- OH.

FRED, INSANITY IN THE FAMILY.

- YEAH, YOU KNOW, I REALLY DO...
- CATE,

WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS

NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS,

IT'S ALL GOING TO BE OKEY-DOKEY.

WELL, I'VE BOTHERED YOU ENOUGH.

- MARY ELLEN.
- HMM?

WOULD YOU WAIT WITH ME?

SURE.

OH, MAN.

ARE YOU FINISHED
WITH MY CAKE PAN?

ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY,
FAMILY MEETING.

ON THE COUCH, RIGHT NOW.

NOW LISTEN TO ME.

YOUR MOTHER IS THE MOST
WONDERFUL WOMAN ON THE PLANET.

SHE KILLS HERSELF
FOR THIS FAMILY.

SHE IS THE SALT OF
THE EARTH... OH, SALT.

AND ALL OF US...

AND ALL OF US HAVE
BEEN HORRIBLE TO HER

THESE PAST 24 HOURS.

- YEAH, WE KNOW, DAD.
- YOU'RE RIGHT, DAD.

SO I WAS THINK... I'M RIGHT?

YOU NEVER SAY I'M RIGHT.

SO ANYWAY, I GOT
HER THESE PRESENTS.

BRIDGE, YOU'RE THE CHOCOLATES.

YOU'RE THE TEDDY BEAR.

YOU'RE THE PENCIL
WITH THE FUZZY ERASER.

WHAT?

GEE, DAD, YOU MUST'VE
GATHERED ALL THE CHANGE

FROM UNDER THE CAR
SEATS FOR THIS STUFF.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
I'M GIVING HER THE BIG ONE.

All: EW!

IT'S A GIRAFFE.

DON'T NAME IT.

A GIRAFFE.

- HI, GUYS.
- MOM.

WE ARE SO SORRY.

HI. HI, HONEYS.

MOM, WE REALLY WANT
YOU TO HAVE THIS BABY.

YEAH, SO LONG AS IT'S NOT A BOY.

WELL, THAT'S VERY
GENEROUS OF YOU.

WE'LL DO EVERYTHING WE
CAN TO HELP. WE'LL BABYSIT.

- WE'LL CHANGE IT.
- CHANGE IT?

HELLO, FRENCH MANICURE. I
AIN'T CHANGING IT. YOU ARE.

- WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO...
- I'M NOT CHANGING IT.

- NOW, GIRLS, GIRLS.
- MOM.

I FELT BAD ABOUT THIS
MORNING SO I WROTE YOU A SONG.

♪ UNPLANNED BABY ♪

♪ WELCOME TO THE FAMILY... ♪

OH, RORY, RORY.

HONEY, THAT'S SO
SWEET. THANK YOU.

THANKS TO ALL MY KIDS.

I BOUGHT ALL THE PRESENTS.
THE KIDS DIDN'T EVEN CHIP IN.

I'M KIDDING, CATE.
COME HERE, COME HERE.

I JUST WANT YOU TO
KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU,

AND I AM SO SORRY FOR
THE WAY I WAS BEHAVING.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I
REALLY REALLY WANT THIS CHILD.

LOOK AT THIS. I EVEN
GOT BABY'S FIRST GIFT.

OH, THAT'S SO NICE. THANK YOU.

THANKS, EVERYBODY,

BUT I'M NOT PREGNANT.

- NO?
- NO?

- NO?
- ♪ NO. ♪

SHUT UP!

TAKE IT UPSTAIRS,
KIDS, RIGHT NOW.

GO UPSTAIRS RIGHT
NOW. TAKE IT UPSTAIRS.

- NICE GIRAFFE.
- WELL, YEAH, YOU KNOW,

GIRAFFES ARE GENDER NEUTRAL

SO IT DOESN'T MATTER
IF IT'S A BOY OR A GI...

SO NOT PREGNANT?

NOPE.

- HOW YOU FEEL?
- I DON'T KNOW.

Bridget: YOU LITTLE TWERP, YOU,
LIKE, TOTALLY SCUFFED MY SHOE!

YEAH, LOOK WHAT YOU
DID TO MINE, YOU BIGFOOT.

- Bridget: OW, LET GO OF ME!
- Kerry: OW, GET OFF OF ME!

SO NOT PREGNANT!

♪ I GAVE MY LOVE A CHERRY ♪

♪ THAT HAD NO STONE ♪

♪ I GAVE MY LOVE A CHICKEN ♪

♪ THAT HAD NO... ♪

SORRY.