8 Simple Rules (2002–2005): Season 1, Episode 8 - By the Book - full transcript

Boy, that was nice
to finally go out to dinner.

- We should do that more.
- Yeah.

- Mom, Dad! Thank God you're home!
- Rory!

- Girls! Get down here!
- Rory!

- What?
- Yeah, what?

What? How did Rory
get rolled up in a carpet?

They put me in it for spying on them.

You would not believe him.

I don't want to hear it.
Get down here and unfurl your brother.

[doorbell ringing]

- Who are you?
- Anthony W.

Yo, yo, 'sup, dawg?
"B" to the "K" be here?

I'm sorry, what letters
did you want again?

Bridget and Kerry. Shoot.

Ain't this their crib?

We gotsta bounce, dawg.
We be benzing over to the Factory

to catch my dawg DJ Courvoisier spin.
What, what? Fo' sheez, yo.

- Paul, who's that?
- Jehovah's witness.

- It's Anthony.
- There's my boo. Boo one, Boo two.

- All right. Bye, Mom, bye, Dad.
- We'll be home by 11:00.

Hold it.

I know you're a gentleman
and a scholar,

but best be in your rig,
my daughters be grounded.

That's cold, man.

You embarrassed us in front
of the coolest guy in school.

After what you just did
to your little brother?

He's the coolest guy
in your whole school?

- I'd hate to see the dorks.
- You have no reason to punish us.

- We left him a bowl of water.
- Out of reach.

- You could wriggle.
- Lazy.

In your room,
you're both grounded.

What? You've officially destroyed
my life. You're like a life-destroyer.

I hate you.

I hate you, too.
You are the meanest father ever.

You're meaner than Angela's father.

Angela's father did time.


Bathroom, bathroom!

- Hey, babe.
- Hey.

How was your day?

- What are you reading?
- A parenting book.

You should pick one of these up, Cate.

Let me show you something.

"To, Paul. Happy Father's Day, 1996.
Love, Cate."

Look at that.

So, what's the sudden interest
after all my years of begging?

Well, Cate, I just figured it's time.

Our daughters are maturing,

it'd be foolish not to use
expert resources

available right at my fingertips.

They've beaten you down,
haven't they?

They're killing me by inches.

It all started ever since
you went back to work.

- Careful...
- Which I encourage, admire,

and in fact insist upon.

My relationship with Bridget and Kerry
keeps going further south.

I want to go back to the days
when they were happy to see me.

Like when I was a sports writer.

Like when you were on the road and then
came home with armloads of presents.

Of course they were happy,
you were Santa Claus.

That's when they hated me.

Yeah, let's go back to that.

Is that why you're reading this?
To find an easier, softer way?

Chapter six,
"Finger Pointing Never Helps."

This is a tool, not a silver bullet.

Yeah? Well, we'll see.

Hey, girls. How was school today?

- Why?
- Who called?

- Mr. Cassidy? He's out to get me.
- Mrs. Baker, she is a liar.

- The lunch lady, she hates kids.
- What kind of school do you go to?

Nobody called, I was welcoming you home
and wanted to know what's new.

- I'm sleeping at Heather's Saturday.
- I'm at Christina's.

- Unless you punish us for breathing.
- Warden.

- Watch this.
- Oh, please.

You look like you're gonna do
a magic trick.

- Get ready for the "no."
- Girls, that's fine.

Because I think sleepovers
are a great way to...

...practice your socialization skills
with your peers

and to learn independence
in a safe environment.

You might want to use your own words.

- What's wrong with Dad?
- Nothing.

I just want to know what's new.
So, tell me, what's new?


Well, Ashley wore this tight shirt,

a button popped off,
you could see everything.

Burke was all [gasps],
Heather was all [growls].

So Heather nailed Ashley.
Ashley was all, "It's an accident."

Heather is such a good arguer,
she could so be a lawyer.


And how about you, Care Bear?

Nothing that tops that.

Nothing that requires [squeals]
or [growls].

Listen, it was great catching up.
Go on up and start homework.

If you need any help,
you know who to come to, OK?

You see, that was very close
to a civil conversation.

All because of a few suggestions
from the book.

- Well, you forgot one.
- Oh, yeah.

Hey, girls. I know this
is a confusing time and...

...I love you unconditionally.

Hey, Dad? You know,

even though my rugburns
haven't quite healed yet,

I figured I'd help around the house
since you and Mom work so hard.

Rory, you're not getting a monkey.

Listen, while I was separating
the colors from the whites,

this flier fell out of Bridget's jeans.

into my hand, open.

Rory, nothing falls out of her jeans.

It takes the jaws of life
to get in the pockets.

Well, I found the same thing
under Kerry's mattress.

- While you were making her bed?
- You're ahead of me.

Extreme Rockfest?
I've heard about this thing.

Maybe from the trouble it caused
in Washington, Atlanta and Seattle.

Might not happen in Detroit.

- This Saturday night.
- Saturday?

I guess you have
nothing to worry about.

That's the night they're both
sleeping at their friends'.

Enough trying to get your sisters
into trouble. But good work.

You're right, Dad. It's probably
just a big misunderstanding.

Heather's number is 555-0125.

- Hey, honey.
- You might be interested in this.

Extreme Rockfest.

Yeah, OK, I'll go.
But only because we never go out.

No, this belongs to the girls.
They're lying about their sleepovers.

To go to a concert? Why lie?

Because I'd say no. Concerts are
dangerous, especially extreme ones.

OK, so they lied to us. How are we
gonna punish the little sneaks?

I think somebody needs to take
another look at the book.

If you give me that raised eyebrow

that's intended to show you've
acquired wisdom one more time,

I swear, Paul, it's coming off.

I had something in my eye, OK?

This is under "When You Know
Your Teen Is Lying."

The solution is to present them
with opportunities to come clean.

Are you sure you're not looking
for a lenient punishment,

so they don't hate you?

Paul, there is no such thing
as a "good" bad cop.

The book says we shouldn't
be policemen at all.

- You're doing it again.
- What?

Doing this thing.

Anthony's older brother is coming back
from college to be at this concert.

Howie? The one that dated the teacher?
He's hot.

He's bringing a girl who used to date
the drummer of the opening act.

So we could not be
more backstage. Hello?

Hey, Heather. No! What!

Are you serious? What are you gonna do?
Never mind, I gotta go.

- Oh, my God!
- Heather discovered she's left-handed?

No, Dad called Heather's parents.
He knows I lied about the sleepover.

- I'm so incredibly busted!
- You will never see daylight again.

Aren't you the smart one?

Dad called Heather's parents,
so he probably called Christina's, too.

- Oh, my God!
- You'll never see daylight again.

- [knocking on door]
- [Paul] Girls?

I just wanted to say good night.

- Night.
- Good night.

Oh, and is there anything else
on your minds...

...that you might want to share,
maybe, with me... maybe?

- No? Well played.
- What?

Never mind.

I love you, Beach.

I love you, Care Bear.

OK, what just happened?

Maybe he doesn't care
if we go to the concert.

OK, I am the smart one again.

This sucks. How did Dad know to call
Heather and Christina's parents?

Mom, Dad!

- You want the carpet?
- We can put you in the carpet.

How does Dad know we lied
about our sleepover Saturday night?

- I don't know.
- We have your comics collection.

Talk or we'll give it to Mom and Dad.

So, they're just comic books.

Not the ones over there, the ones
in Rory's pirate treasure chest.

I had no idea Wonder Woman likes
walks on the beach and men who cry.

OK. I found the flyers and told Dad.

I knew it. Why hasn't he punished us?

He's been using
this parenting book on you.

So you'll do what he wants you to.

- What?
- I cannot believe him.

- Now leave me alone.
- Not yet.


- So, where does he keep it?
- Forget it, I'm not telling you.

Maybe the girls of the Big Ten
will get you to talk.

I can't believe Dad's been
trying to control us with a book.

- What are we, lab rats?
- You are so issue-ridden.

He marked the part
on your teen lying.

- Which is, like, never.
- OK, listen to this:

"The most effective punishment
when catching your teen lying

is visible disappointment."

It breaks my heart when
he makes his disappointed face.

How is this book
gonna get us to Rockfest?

You have so much to learn
about deceiving Dad.

Right here. We tell the truth,
he's disappointed, we feel bad.

Then he says, "It's your choice
whether or not to defy me."

And that's to guilt trip us into making
the "mature and proper decision"?

We are so at that concert.

Hello, ladies.

Rory, what are you doing in here?

I was thinking of taking up guitar.

You've always been musical.

Move it.


They're Kerry's.
I think she's gay.

You know,

I know you're gonna find this stuff
alluring at your age,

but it's insulting to women,
to your sisters and to me.

No, Mom. It says on the cover,

"A Celebration of Women."

Yeah, well, celebration's over.

By the way, what are these
doing in your sister's room?

They're blackmailing me.

They made me tell about Dad's book
so they can outsmart him

and go to a concert.
Punish them, Mother!

That's funny.

No, it's not. Let's go tell Dad.

You've done enough, and I will.

Yes, I will.


- This is never gonna work.
- Kerry, I'm a chapter ahead of Dad.

I'm using offensive attacks opposed to
defensive attacks. It's called strategy.

What do you know about strategy?

Last week I copied
Justin's homework on the Civil War,

there was a guy named Stonewall Jackson,

and he used his best offensive attacks
and best defensive strategy,

it worked awesome,
the Battle of Bull Run.

- That actually sounded smart.
- Yeah.

Do you think Stonewall Jackson
is any relation to Michael Jackson?

And, we're back.

Just do your part.

- So you all set for your sleepover?
- Uh-huh.

I don't see any sleeping bags.

- Heather has an extra bed.
- So does Christina.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

I see.

- So, no toothbrushes?
- OK, Dad, stop!

- We're not going to a sleepover.
- You're such a snitch!

- Bridget.
- OK, fine.

We're going to the Extreme Rockfest,
I knew you'd never let us go.

I could just kill you right now.

I'm sorry, but I just felt so bad.

Well, girls, I'm really not happy
about this at all.

Although, I am glad you decided
to come clean with me,

I'm just very, very disappointed in you.

Oh, gosh, Dad, I hate it
when we disappoint you.

Doesn't feel good, does it?


What a lesson.

I guess this means you won't
let us go to the concert.

Guys, you know this concert tour

is a traveling riot
with a bad soundtrack.

There have been fights, arrests
and skirmishes with the police

in every city.

- I don't want you to go.
- Dad...

But I'm going to leave
the choice up to you.

I'm not always going to be there
to make decisions for you.

You're old enough
to make your own choices.

Just know,
that whatever you decide...

...you're gonna have to live
with the consequences.

I told you this would work.

- He's watching us.
- What should we do?

Pretend we're thinking about it.

Look contrite.

No, pensive.

OK, like you washed
your favorite pair of shoes.


What are you doing?

Teaching the girls
a valuable lesson.

- Where are they?
- In the palm of my hand.

Check it out.

Well, I see an empty living room.

Oh, no.
They probably just went upstairs

to take a long, hard
look at themselves.

[car engine starting]

Is there a car upstairs?

- The book said...
- They read the book.

They read the book? Oh, no.

That's bad.

That's not... that's bad.

[Paul] Bridget, Kerry?

Beach, Care Bear?

Over here, dude.

- I'm Care Bear.
- You?

Yeah, man.

'Cause I'm as big as a bear
and I care.

- Oh, my God.
- So what do you need?

My daughters! Kerry, Bridget!


Thank God!
I never thought I'd say that.

Yo, Mr. Henn,
I can't be seen with you here, dawg.

- You ain't cool.
- Bridget and Kerry?

"B" and "K", where they be... are?
Where are they?

I don't know.
Maybe they inside.

I ain't gots no Lojack on your ladies.

I ain't gots no X-ray vision
or Superman whatnot. Shoot.

Don't tempt me.

- Where can I buy tickets?
- They sold out for weeks, dawg.

You gotsta hit up that scalper-dawg.
He been scalp-a-lacking all night,

doing some fizoynne bidness,
bling-bling... nahmeen?

- You're coming with me.
- For what?

- Translation.
- Come on, Mr. Hennessy. Geez.

I couldn't find them. I don't know
where they are. Call the police.

I will never forgive myself if anything
happens to them before I punish them.

- Honey, calm down.
- Calm down?!

How am I supposed to calm down?
I can't believe they manipulated me

- with a parenting book.
- Like you did to them?

I'm a parent,
I'm who the book is for.

If you sit there and attack me
while our babies are missing,

you're not the woman I married.

- For God's sake, Paul.
- It's your fault, you gave me the book!

Book! Ha!

It's a timebomb,
ticking in this house since 1996.

Ticking, ticking, ticking.

Get over yourself,
the girls are upstairs.

They came home
a half hour after you left.

Of course they did because the book
works in the hands of a skilled parent.

Do you even know what you're saying?

Without that stupid plan and the book,
they would never have gone.

You wouldn't have gone,
we wouldn't have been worried sick.

I'm not saying the plan
is without flaws.

The important thing is the girls
learned a lesson by themselves.

Oh, bull.

The important thing is
you didn't have to be the bad guy.

OK, I give. I hate being the bad guy.

Happy? I hate it!
I'll always hate it.

Now, look, Paul, we all want
to be friends with our kids.

But sometimes,
you have to be a parent first.

- Yeah, so what do I do?
- Go be a father.

Go on.

And don't do that eyebrow thing.

- It was the greatest concert ever.
- And we actually left.

What's wrong with us?
Why did we start feeling so sucky?

[knocking on door]

- So, how was the concert?
- Terrible.

We felt so guilty
we left after one song.

Your stupid book works.

Forget about the book. Yes.

I came up here to call a truce.

- Are you playing us again?
- No.

Unless you're playing me.

No, no, no.
It is a truce, OK?

I'm tired of what's
going on between us.

I try to fool you, you try to fool me,
it's like we're playing a game here.

You're right, Dad.
I think we should have more freedom.

How did you get that
from what I just...

No, never mind,
I don't want to know.

Let's stop this gamesmanship and
try to be more honest with each other.

OK, I'll start.

Why'd you use the book on us anyway?


[clearing throat]
Well, I...

...I thought, maybe...

I don't know. I...
I mean, um...

I was scared that you hated me.

- Why would you think that?
- Because you said you hated me.

When we say we hate you,
we don't actually mean it.

It's just the way we talk.

Well, it hurts my feelings.

We didn't even know
we could hurt your feelings.

Why did you use the book against me?

We really hate not going
to concerts and stuff.

Dad, we're also sorry
if we made you worry.

You're forgiven, OK?

You'll have plenty of time
to think about it next weekend

while you clean the attic
as punishment.

- What?
- We were going to Cedar Point.

Well, now you're not.

You are the worst father ever.

[overlapping arguing]

- I hate you!
- I love you, too.

- We really mean it.
- We totally mean it.

Well, it's official.
They hate me again.

Maybe this will make you feel better.

Red Wings, center ice.
Where did you get these?


I was kicking it with my partner,
Anthony W, and I gave him the 411

on how he got "B" to the "K"
all grounded and whatnot.

He said, "Damn, Mrs. Henn.
That's cold. I gotsta make that right."

So he hooked me these
fizoynne ducats, nahmeen?