8 Simple Rules (2002–2005): Season 1, Episode 6 - Cheerleader - full transcript


Shouldn't you be reading?

Hey, buddy.

Doesn't it short
out the controller

with you drooling on it?

First time I've
been to that level!

And we're all so very
proud of you, son.

I know it doesn't seem
like it, but I'm helping you.

There are 12 steps...

leading to your room. Now go!

- Hey, Bridge.
- Hi, Dad.

Hey, beautiful.

Oh, Paul, please, I've
been in catheter hell all day.

I'm good.

Daddy, you're never gonna
believe this. This is so exciting!

The principal brought
drug dogs to sweep lockers!

- Yeah? Cate?
- Don't worry, it gets better.

Amanda was hanging out with
Burke and she told me all about it.

She wore the same top I
have, but it was a knock-off.

- Can we get back
to the drug thing?
- Who got busted?

- One of the cheerleaders.
- Mom, my story.

They busted one of the
cheerleaders, Sabrina.

Expelled, zero tolerance.

She's wearing those boots
which were like Salvation Army.

- Anyway...
- There are tryouts
to fill her spot.

- So psyched!
- Well, that's great news,

Not for Sabrina or her
parents or the Colombians.

Didn't you say last year that
cheerleading was for losers.

That's because
she didn't make it.

Because they were losers.

I can't believe you're encouraging her
to be on the airhead squad. Aim high!

- They are not all airheads.
- No, some of them are potheads.

You know, Kerry, why do you
always have to be so negative?

It wouldn't break my heart to
see you get involved in an activity

other than the Sullen Squad.

Although, you
are very good at it.

Are you saying I should
try out for cheerleading?

It's not that ridiculous.
Cheerleading is a legitimate sport.

Sport? Ha!

It would look good on
Bridget's college application.

College? Ha!

It's a great experience.

In high school I
was a yell captain

for a couple months one year.

We went to this basketball
tournament in Indiana.

Wait, wait, you
were a cheerleader?

Not a cheerleader,
a yell captain.

Mom, did you know
Dad was a cheerleader?

Well, I married him...
so obviously not.

- My dad, a cheerleader.
- Yell captain!

Like a ship captain.

Ooh, ooh! Like on a pirate ship?

- Yes, like on a pirate ship.
- Except you did cheers.

Wow, you think you know someone.

I did not do
cheers. I led cheers.

OK, that came out wrong.
It was just for a minute.

- I filled in. A buddy broke his ankle.
- Cheering?

No, yelling. Daddy
was a yell captain.

- Thanks.
- Us cheerleaders
stick together.

I was not... all right... I was
also on the baseball team.

We went to state
tournament two years in a row.

Wow. Did you
take the pirate ship?

Bridget, I wanted to wish
you good luck on your tryouts.

Break a leg.

That's just an
expression. Yes, it is.

Yes, it is.

Yes, it is. Look, ask someone.
No, don't hang up, don't...

- Hennessy?
- Oh, God.

So I hear Bridget's trying
out for cheerleading?

Tommy, I'd really rather you
not talk about my girls because,

I don't know, it makes
me want to kill you.

I hear ya.

Man alive!

Hot Bridget, prancing
around in a little skirt

in front of the guys?

Many hiding under bleachers
with their dad's Polaroid?

When's first game?

Not all guys try to
score with a cheerleader.

- Yes, they are.
- No.

I was around a lot of cheerleaders
in high school when I was a yell...

Yell of a baseball player.

In high school, I
was a cheerleader...

- Me too!
- Magnet.

Me too. Cheerleader magnet.

Well, as always, good
luck to your little girl.

Thank you, Tommy.

Hey, everybody, back in high
school, Hennessy was a cheerleader!

Hey, how do I look? Do
I look like a cheerleader?

Oh, my God, my IQ is
plummeting just being here.

Could you support
me for a millisecond?

OK, but just for a
millisecond. Oops. Over.

Oh, God, here they come.

How awesome was that frat party?

So awesome! But you know what?

Wait until next weekend
for Jell-O Olympics!

Jell-O Olympics?

I have no idea what
that is, but I so wanna go.

Our loss is a wonderful
opportunity for you underclassmen.

First up, Leifer.

Who's gonna win?
The Owls! The Owls!

Who's gonna win? The Owls!


We've got spirit, yes, we do

We're gonna win, that is true

Whoo! Whoo!

- Platt.
- Hoot! Hoot!

Can I get a hoot-hoot?
I said, can I get a hoot?

'Cause the Owls are gonna stomp

Gonna stomp Gonna
stomp on... you

How exactly does an owl stomp
on you? It weighs like one pound.

OK, next. Hennessy.

So which Hennessy
is it? Her or her?

Me, obviously.

- What do you mean, "obviously"?
- Look around.

- What's that supposed to mean?
- Hello? Here. Sore thumb.

Go to the library,
not sore thumb.

OK, I'm up.

Because, according to my sister,

obviously, I could
never do something

as complicated as...

Who's gonna win? Owls! Owls!

Who's gonna win? Owls! Owls!

We've got spirit, yes, we do

Liberty Owls will stomp
on you Hoot! Hoot!

Can we get a hoot-hoot?

Hoot! Hoot! Can
we get a hoot-hoot?

Liberty Owls!

Hey, Bridget!

So is my little girl
a cheerleader?

Yes, she is!

Tell me, Paul, what
exactly do you think...


Lindsay, I swear, I've
never done cheerleading.

Well, let's just
call it a talent.

See you tomorrow.

- Who was that?
- Lindsay.

Look at you. I never thought
you'd get excited about this.

I am not excited about this.
OK, maybe just a little bit.

I am so happy for you, Bear.

Good things happen when
you put yourself out there.

Kerry, Lindsay's
called, like, seven times!

Honey, in America, we say, "It's for
you," and then we throw the phone.

Hi, Lindsay.

Did you see that smile?
That was so meant for me.

Have you ever considered
maybe she's just happy?

Please, like Kerry's ever happy.

I am today.

Bridget. Look, honey, I
know this is hard for you,

but Kerry is your sister.

This is a new experience for
her. Can't you let her enjoy it?

No! This is all your fault.
You told her to try out.

For something. I thought debate or
choir or the kid that puts the flag up.

Never in a million years
did I dream that my little girl...

You gotta be
happy for your sister.

- Why?
- Just do it.

You've made this the third
worst day of my entire life.

Worse than lost in the forest?

Cate, she is so
unhappy. Make it better.

Well, think about it like this:

It's important for Bridget to learn
that she can't get everything in life.

- We knew this day would come.
- I didn't.

She had a pretty good
streak going there for a while.

I mean, since the forest thing.

We've been wanting Kerry
to break out of her shell.

No, I'm thrilled for her.
But I'm a little stunned.

Why would Kerry even
wanna be a cheerleader?

Same reason you wanted
to be a cheerleader.

Yell captain.

Dinner's ready.

Kids, dinner!

You hear that? It has to
come from the diaphragm.


Smells great.

I use rosemary.

A lot of people can't
see beyond basil.

Thank God you did, honey.

Hey, I saw in the
paper where the Pistons

raised the ticket prices.

You don't even wanna
be a cheerleader!

You said they were airheads!

- Not anymore they're not.
- OK!

- No more cheerleader talk.
- Fine.

Two, four, six, eight These
potatoes are really great!

- Wanna piece of me?
- That's it!

If you two can't be civil, I
want you to go to your rooms!

- Dad, we share a room.
- I don't care. Go to your room,

and not another word!
Just leave. Right now.

I don't know why you're upset.
You might make the squad.

If you spend a year
on the drill team.

You better sleep
with your eyes open.

Did she say drill
team? Poor Bridgie.

When I was in high school, we
used to call drill team the dork squad.

I was on drill team.

Good one, Dad.


- Daddy?
- Huh?


Bridget, you know what I love
about you, besides everything?

I can go months without
you saying a word to me,

and as soon as I get a
huge deadline on my column,

there you are. Which I love.

It's not fair. Kerry
hates cheerleading.

She's doing this
to make me suffer.

I'm sorry, Beach. You're
more important than my column.

- Talk to me.
- It should've been me.

Sweetie, I know you think
that about a lot of things,

but how do you know?

Do you know where I sit at
lunch? Right next to them. Kerry?

Way, way far away.

- Still on campus, right?
- Dad!

- I'm hurt.
- I'm so sorry.

She's doing this
to mess with me.

You know how long
I've dreamt of this?

We'll, uh, let's see,

Sabrina was busted
on Monday, so... uh...

- since Monday?
- Yes!

So sorry, sweetie pie.

- Hello?
- Is it Amanda?

No, it's for me.

It's Lindsay. She wants
me to be a cheerleader.

That's not funny, Rory.

He's just joking.
It's a joke, OK?

This is all Kerry's fault.

No, it's mine. I had to fall in
love, get married and have kids.

The Lindsays think Kerry's
cute and quirky. But she is evil.

- It's killing you
that I'm popular.
- Girls!

You're not popular.
You're just limber.

Do we want to talk about limber?

Are you sure you wanna
open that can of worms?

- Getting much work done?
- I can't live like this. They're Fighting.

- They're teenagers.
- I can't stand it.

Bridget thinks Kerry's doing this
to taunt her and make her crazy.

Well, maybe she
is. Maybe she's not.

That was helpful.

Somebody needs to talk to Kerry.

No, no, no. We are
not gonna get involved.

Kerry has a right
to be a cheerleader,

and Bridget has
a right to be upset.

What about my rights?
I pay for everything.

- We gotta let them
work things out.
- Why?

That's how kids learn to
compromise and negotiate.

- Don't you read
those parenting books?
- I skip to the chapters

on how to keep
'em from having sex.

You're ruining my life!

I'm sorry, sis. Boom-bah!

- That's it.
- No, no, no.

You are gonna stay out of this.

Hey there.

Your mother wanted me
to have a chat with you.

Oh, really?

So, what, was she too
shy to tell me herself?

She's at work,
so I have the kids.

Kerry, your mother thinks

that maybe you're playing
out this cheerleader thing to...

What I'm trying
to say... If there...

See, if you were getting any
kind of particular enjoyment

out of Bridget's misery,
disappointment and heartbreak,

maybe you could, you know, stop.

Why does everything
have to be about Bridget?

It doesn't.

It's just that for
this one time only,

if there's any, you
know, morsel of truth

to what your mother thinks,

any teeny-tiny tidbit of truth,

then maybe you could hurry
up the process and, you know...


OK, you know, you don't
know why I'm doing this.

Maybe I just realized
that I love cheerleading.

Come on, Bear, it's just us
here. You and cheerleading?

- What's that supposed to mean?
- You've always been so smart

and complex and funny and smart.

- You said smart twice.
- See? Like a whip.

Basically, I'm not the pretty,
sexy, popular type, like Bridget?

- I didn't say that.
- Thanks, Dad. Thanks a lot.

Did you ever think that maybe
they just wanted me this time?

Why is that so hard for
everyone in this house to believe?

- Kerry...
- I was thinking about quitting,

- but now I am so committed.
- Good. I'll tell Mom.

- I finished the book, Dad.
- Go find another one.

'Morning, everyone.

Paul, what are you doing?

Couldn't sleep. Girls fighting.

Reexamining my life.

Had to find out why Rory's
so obsessed with these games.

- What time did
you start finding out?
- About 3am.

And you're only there?

Rory, eat breakfast.
Cate, fix your girls.

Oh, no. You talked
to them, didn't you?

- No. Just the one.
- Oh, Paul.

- You fix it.
- I'd just make things worse.



Could you drive the
kids? I'm exhausted.

Me too. I've been
up since three.


Girls, come on, we're late.

Dad, I feel sick.
Can I stay home?

Wait a minute.

- You feel fine.
- You're fine. We're late.

- Where's your sister?
- Trying on her uniform.

Come on, Kerry, we don't
wanna be late for school. Let's go!

- How do I look?
- Very nice, sweetie.

- Dad?
- You look really pretty.

- I mean, real... Fine.
- Fine?

- You look lovely.
- A second ago I looked pretty.

- I think I'll
walk to school today.
- Wise move.

- Can I stay home? Please?
- Oh, Bridget, come on.

- Please?
- Oh, sure, honey.

Sometimes you just need the day.

Cate, she's missing school.


Which is OK to do
because sometimes

you really need the day.

- Thank you.
- I'm sorry, sweetie.

I just wanna curl up on the
couch with some hot cocoa.

Sure, honey. Your mother
will cook you anything you want.

Maybe I could get my
belly button pierced?

Cate, you're up.
Kerry, let's go.

- Bye, Mom.
- Bye, honey.

- Good luck at the pep rally.
- Thank you.

- Bye, Bridget.
- Bye.

Hope you feel better.

- Hey, Kerry?
- Yeah?

Break a leg.

I'm gonna choose to
believe that was sweet.

Boy, this is the quietest
ride we've ever had.

Still is.

I just have a lot on
my mind, OK, Dad?

God, it's gotten so
complicated. I'm freaking out.

Look, if this has anything to
do with what I said last night,

- I was wrong and I'm sorry.
- It's OK.

No, it's not. You're a
complex and smart young lady.

- Here we go again.
- I didn't mean smart.

I mean, I did, and
beautiful and talented.

And I believe you
could do a million things.

Maybe more, with
medical advances.

My grandfather lived
to be 97 and he smoked.

My point is,

you'll make a great cheerleader,
if that's what you want.

And if I ever underestimate
you in any area of your life,

then I apologize.


Thanks, Dad.

So where do you want me to
drop you off? With your friends?


- No, no, I... Up there.
- Oh.

No. Go back, back, back, back.

- Back.
- Yeah.


No, there, there.
Let's go up there.

- No. Back.
- Back. Absolutely. I should've...

I should have thought that.

Then I bet you wanna go...

- Are you OK?
- No.

You know, Bridget, when
I was on the drill team,

we had these really cool
moves, you know, like this...

And they really sucked.
They completely sucked,

just like they suck now.

Oh, baby.

What are you doing home?

Well, uh, Kerry wanted
to change her clothes.

- You're quitting?
- Yeah.

- For real?
- For real.

Like I wanna hang out with
Lindsay and her hair extensions.

Oh, my God, I knew it!

- And fake boobs.
- No.

Uh-huh. Total water-bra.

- I have pictures
from freshman year.
- No way.

The Lindsays are so fake.

That's why I decided I didn't
wanna be a cheerleader.

- It's always been
in my subconscious.
- Probably.


You see what happens
when you let them

work it out for themselves?

You were right,
although we did have

a little father-daughter
chat in the car.

- He did?
- Yeah.

Oh, no. I hate those.
Where he almost cries?

I know.

- He's such a cheerleader.
- I know.

Yell captain.

Yell captain!