8 Simple Rules (2002–2005): Season 1, Episode 28 - Sort of an Officer and a Gentleman: Part 2 - full transcript

OK, Maggie. I'll
see you in a few.

Well, looks like Maggie
decided to cut her

- weekend with the girls short.
- Lucky girls.

Paul! Well, yeah.

No, I mean, no! Maggie has
been through a really rough time.

I think we should show
her some compassion.

Come on. It's human
nature. It's like me and Ted.

I can't say that I'm entirely
unhappy that Mr. Favorite-Son-in-Law

couldn't seem to make his marriage
work while "second-best" Paul Hennessy

has been able to stick
it out all these years.

"Stick it out"?



Cherish. I meant cherish.

- [doorbell rings]
- All right,
that's her. Be good.

Oh, oh, wait, Paul, I can feel
a dark cloud on the other side.

This must be what it feels like
when Death comes a-knockin'.

"A-knockin'?" I thought we were
supposed to show some compassion.

Yeah, yeah, you're right.

Open the door and let
Saddy McSad-Sad in.

I'm back.

Well, hello.

- Eyes up!
- I mean, hello.

Maggie, you look... Wow!

Yeah.

I know!

I decided this weekend that I was
gonna change my attitude about everything.



Oh, I am so proud of you.
And I'm just happy you're...

You're...

Look, I'm sorry, Maggie,
but your breasts...

You are at least
a cup size bigger.

Try three cup sizes!

But you were telling
us about your weekend.

Oh, these?

I went out and bought a water
bra just for fun. What the heck?

Men looked at me! I felt better.

Whoa...
- Aunt Maggie?
- Aunt Maggie?

Oh, girls, your Aunt Maggie
just looks three cup sizes bigger

because she got a water bra.

We were gonna ask what
she was doing home so soon.

- Oh.
- Aunt Maggie!

Gee, Rory, I thought
you didn't like hugs.

Shh. I can hear the ocean.

- Rory! Get over here! Sit down!
- Sit down!

Don't hit Rory!

I think that we can all agree.
Doesn't Maggie look great?

She looks fantastic!

Don't you have writing
to do or something?

Cate, we have guests.

Oh, Aunt Maggie, tell
us about your weekend.

I took your dad's advice,
called up some old friends

and they told me to stop
feeling sorry for myself.

- I told you that too.
- Yeah, but they
didn't use that tone.

Don't I know that tone!

You know, it's a guy
at work. Drives me nuts.

Did you know there is a whole
substrata of women who've gotten out

from under the yoke of
marriage and blossomed?

A few of us are going
to Italy this summer.

As one of those still under
the yoke, I'm happy for you.

- Aunt Maggie!
- All right, that's enough.

- Take him upstairs.
- Wait! Wait! Wait!

- I'm really sorry, Maggie.
- Oh, no, no, just...

No, I... Get upstairs.

Well, that sounds
great, Aunt Maggie.

I've always wanted a group

of friends to share
life's heartaches with.

What? We went shopping.

That's what I do when I get sad!

Or mad or glad or bad.

- What'd you get?
- Two of everything. Let me show you!

What... did you get new shoes?

- You must be psychic.
- You know, sometimes
I think I am.

Aunt Maggie!

Oh, my God, Mom, she's
gone to the blonde side.

Now there's two of them.

I'm happy for her. I'm happy.

Oh, Mom... Look at me.

You're the sensitive
one. You're smart.

You have inner beauty
and sooner or later,

people are gonna realize
what they've been missing.

Sucks, doesn't it?

[knock on door]

Bridget, have you
seen my thesaurus?

Oh, right, never mind.

What are you doing?

Waiting for Donny to call.

I really need to speak to him.

[phone rings]

Donny! Daddy, leave.

Ask Donny if he knows
a better word for, um...

- Out!
- I'm leaving.

Donny, hi. OK, I need
your undivided attention.

For the next few
moments, it's only you and...

Bridget, I'm just calling to say
I can't talk. I'm on restriction.

Why?

For talking to you.

We went way past
curfew last night.

Bridget, I've never met a
girl who can talk so much.

Thank you.

- Donny, I miss you.
- I miss you, too.

I gave up my whole life for you.
None of my friends will speak to me.

I had to have lunch with
Mitch "The Math-a-Magician."

A math-a-magician? I don't
know how I feel about that.

Donny, I'm lonely.

Let me tell you something that'll
keep you going till Christmas.

Something I've
never told another girl.

- Yeah?
- I...

Sir, yes, sir! Hanging
up right now, sir!

Hey, guys, I just got off the phone
with Carter Tibbits, NASCAR legend.

I'm writing his
book. No big deal.

You're riveted, I see. We're
having a disagreement.

Now, does this
paragraph "suck" to you?

"My diaper was a checkered flag.

My bottle, a can
of 50-weight oil.

My..." Oh, it does suck.

Kerry, is that a...
Is that a new top?

Uh-huh. Aunt
Maggie gave it to me.

I don't want you wearing
that outside this house.

- No problem.
- Kerry, take over for a sec.

- Kyle's killing me.
- Oh, OK.

I'm killing you!

- What're you looking at?
- Nothing.

Don't objectify me!

I wasn't. I was just
looking at your body.

- Well, don't.
- OK, OK. Jeez.

Oh, Bridget, some of
your friends dropped by.

- Really?
- Yeah, Heather, Danielle and...

Oh, yeah, I'm lying.

- Hey, Kyle.
- 'Sup?

Don't objectify me.

- What?
- Rory, I have gotta go.

What are you doing?
You have a boyfriend.

He's somewhere in
Maryland doing push-ups.

Doesn't mean you can hit on Kyle.
Can't have your cake and eat it, too.

I was just flirting. Besides,
Kyle's like a crash test dummy.

- Besides, what do you care?
- Well, as a matter of fact...

You know, Kerry, isn't that
top a little trashy and revealing?

- You have one just like it.
- Mine's blue.

- We're back.
- Aunt Maggie!

Sit!

There you are, Bridget.

I know you've been a little
down, so I brought you a present.

Really? [gasps]

Oh, my gosh! No way! Thank you!

Huh.

So, uh, what was in the bag?

Somethin'.

Somethin' what?

Just... somethin'.

Just somethin' what?

None of your beeswax.

Actually, it is my bees...
What's in the damn bag?

OK, OK. Somethin'.

Somethin' what?
Oh, my God. I just...

Ha!

- Bridget! What are you wearing?
- It's a water bra!

- Well, take it off!
- No! I love it.

And the guys will love it... them.
Oh, I'm so back on top with these.

Hello Mary-Kate. Hello Ashley.

- Talk about a Full House.
- What guys will love it?

You're in an exclusive relationship
with Donny Doyle, remember?

- Another reason to take it off!
- But he's so far away.

Exclusive and he's far
away? This is a no-brainer.

Have your cake and eat it too.

Life is short. Who's to know?

And what kind of advice
are you giving her?

Yeah, what kind of
advice are you giving her?

Just telling her
to have a little fun.

- God, Cate, you're so negative.
- God! Look, Aunt Maggie.

There's two of them.

All right, Rory, Kerry, out!

Bridget, you go
upstairs and take that off!

- What? Mom! God!
- Now!

- Bridget!
- I'll go to her. She'll listen to me.

Bridget, honey.

[sighs]

Paul?

Satan?

You have no idea what
is going on with your girls.

Oh, no, no, no,
no. I need to write.

I told you that Maggie was
gonna be a bad influence.

She is corrupting Bridget. Do
you know what she bought her?

- That's between me and her.
- OK, that's it. I have had it.

Come on, I need to
have a career here,

but this constant din in this
house is impeding my creativity

and any possibility of
turning out a NASCAR classic.

So both of you are
going to leave right now.

You're gonna fix
this, because I already

- have my own teenage daughters.
- Don't talk to me that way!

- I'm not ten!
- Go!

[both] Yeah, right, Paul!

"Maggie's a bad influence.

You have no idea what's
going on with your daught..."

"Early Pregnancy Detection Kit"?

Bridget.

Bridget!

- Doyle!
- Dad?

The boy. Come here.

You haven't been watching
Field of Dreams again, have you?

Can't a father love his son?

- Where's Bridget?
- She went out to the...

- You're snooping around.
- No. I'm parenting.

What are we "parenting" for?

I'm looking for
something... Popsicle-sized.

- Closet. Top shelf. Shoe box.
- Closet. Top shelf. Shoe box.

This is Bridget's report
card. I've never seen this.

Oh. That's not like
a Popsicle at all.

By the way, did Kyle call?
He said he might drop by.

Kyle!

Doyle!

Kyle! Doyle?

Bridget!

Jeez, no!

Come back! Come
back! Save! Save! Save!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!

[horn honking]

Bye, Daddy. That's for me.

Kerry?

Kyle!

[phone ringing]

Come on, Cate. Pick up.
Pick up. Pick up. Pick up.

[phone ringing]

- Hello?
- Rory?

How did you...
Get off the phone!

What happened to "hug me"?

Bridget, I need you
to get home right now.

Dad, I can't talk right
now. I'm with my friends.

Well, I'm with Laurie.

- Lacey.
- Lacey.

I do too like her. I'm almost
home. I'm practically in the garage.

Do you like ponies? If you had
a pony, what would you name it?

My life is over.

Oh, my God. The mullet
brothers are looking at me.

Lucky. Ooh, that's a
good name for a pony.

Bridget, you know
Luke and Tyler?

No.

Dude, how come you
never talk to us at school?

You're, like, too good for us?

Yeah, bro, just 'cause we're all

"business in the front,
party in the back"?

- Yo! I was talking
to her, dude!
- Dude!

Dude, I went to a dude
ranch two summers ago.

I have a picture of me on
a pony. You wanna see?

Donny, come back.

I'll kill him! I'll kill him!

Who am I killing? Kyle! Doyle!

I'm onto all of you!

Justin Timberlake!
Josh Hartnett!

Guy from boy band I don't know.

OK. We've taken
the obligatory lap,

been in every store
and pretended to browse.

- Are we ever gonna talk?
- What's the point? All we do is fight.

That's the first thing
we've agreed on today.

Why don't we go home, I'll pack
and we'll try this another time?

In what? Another two to three
years when we see each other again?

Oh.

Maggie! Look. Come here.

Oh, Kerry. It's
your sister Bridget.

What happened to
her older boyfriend?

She's with Laurie and those
two guys that sleep in the car.

- That'll teach her
to blow us off.
- Yeah.

- This is...
- Not good.

- Kerry. Kyle.
- Bridget.

I, uh, gotta go to the
other side of the mall...

touch it and then come back.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, I know.

Look how they love each other.

- Get out of here!
- You get out of here!

- Ow!
- Look how close they are.

You remember when
we were like that?

Yeah, before you started
shutting me out of your life.

- My old boyfriend!
- Ow! My new boyfriend!

- Ow! My mall!
- Ow! You can have
the librar... Eee!

What are you talking about,
shutting you out of my life?

- I keep in touch.
- Oh, yeah.

We send Christmas cards
and birthday presents.

We talk on the phone. A lot.

And yet you never once mentioned
that you and Ted were having problems.

I'm your sister,
Maggie. I wanna help.

And yet I had to learn about
your divorce from Mom. Mom!

And we both know how
much fun it is to talk to Mom!

And what's the deal
with Mom's eyebrows?

I know. I know. They're
up to her forehead.

She always looks surprised.

Why have you always
left me out of your life?

'Cause yours is so great.

And mine... Well,
I mean, Cate...

I don't begrudge
you your happiness,

but sometimes I
feel a little jealous.

I mean, you do everything so well
and I've always lived in your shadow.

Sometimes literally.

You're jealous of me? Really?

- I was always jealous
of your friends.
- My friends?

Who got to know
you better than I did.

You were always so
funny and interesting...

to them.

And now, with
all that's going on,

and you and your substrata
going and jetting off to Italy. And...

It sounds so exciting. I
guess I'm a little jealous again.

Jealous of me?

I've waited my
whole life to hear that.

Why are you so shocked, B?

I mean, you moved
on from high school.

You got what you
wanted. You got Donny.

You even released Kyle to
the universe. Remember?

You're right. You're right.

I made my bed and now I
have to let sleeping dogs lie in it.

Oh, Beach.

It's OK. I just have to
stick it out until Christmas.

God, being pinned is
not what I thought it was.

I'm lonely and I have two
little holes in my favorite dress.

Well, have fun being popular.
It's not as easy as it looks.

Popular? Me?

God, I never
thought I'd hear that.

- Say it again, now. Say it again.
- No.

Italy, Cate. Me in a little café
with a waiter named Paolo.

OK, make it Fabio
and I'll be jealous.

Really, really jealous.

Thank you.

Come here to me. My darling.

- Let's go.
- OK.

Come on. Let's find
some liquor and men.

- That waiter
was flirting with me.
- Oh, he was a busboy.

I got a good feeling about
him. He's going places.

All right, Maggie, I'm gonna
have to ask you to leave.

- Paul!
- Cate, wait a minute.

You two have been
so wonderful to me.

I am actually ready to
go back to New York.

The new, improved,
happy and positive me.

Oh, it's gonna kill Ted.

I have to talk to you.
Something happened today.

- What is it?
- [Rory] Aunt Maggie!

What's wrong with you, Paul?

Honey, I know I've been
crazed about my career,

but I want you to know from
now on my family comes first and...

and you and I
will deal with this.

Deal with what?

You two, come here! Girls,
sit on the couch, right now.

- Sit down, quickly!
- Paul?

- I can't do this.
- Paul, what is going on?

We need to find
who this belongs to.

- Oh.
- I know. I can't believe it.

Kerry. Bridget.

Beach. Care Bear.

Paul... it's mine.