8 Simple Rules (2002–2005): Season 1, Episode 27 - Sort of an Officer and a Gentleman: Part 1 - full transcript

Donny takes Bridget out on a date, then invites her to a formal. Kyle just keeps spending time at the Hennessys' and then... with Kerry. Cate's sister, bitter after her husband left her, comes for a visit.

Yeah, you take care
of yourself. And call me.

Call me. I love you.

Hey, babe. You'll never guess.

Carter Tibbits picked
me to write his biography.

Me, instead of all
those NASCAR writers.

- [sighs]
- I know.

- What's the matter,
honey? You OK?
- I'm fine.

I'm fine. Just go write.

No, no. You're... You're
more important than my career.

Maggie called. You know Ted?

Do I know Ted? Mr. Perfect, everyone's
favorite. The rich, good son-in-law.

Let's hoist Ted up on our
shoulders and elect him to Congress.

Is he sick?

No. He left my sister.

- Ha! I mean, oh, no.
- Paul!

I think this is awful.

To find out that Ted's
not such a great guy

on the same day I
begin my new book.

- It's just...
- I swear to God, Paul.

You know, you need some
alone time. I understand.

[doorbell rings]

- Bridget, will you get that?
- No.

I'm harnessing my energy into attracting
Donny Doyle into my love force field.

So, I'll get the door.

Oh, hello, Donny.

I have to be very
careful with this.

Bridget, upstairs.

Hello, sir. They delivered some
of your mail to my folks' house.

Oh, thank you.

"Occupant. Current
Resident. Occupant."

Get up there.

- Yep, this is ours. Thank you, Donny.
- You're welcome, sir.

Uh, Donny, when you're
home from the Naval Academy,

do you actually have
to wear your uniform?

No, sir.

I mean, I saw you
mowing the lawn in it.

- Did Bridget?
- Goodbye, Donny.


Is that all you got?


- Is that all you got?
- OK, now you try it.

- Hi, Kyle.
- Hey, Kerry.

- Yeah! I did it!
- Yep, you did. See ya, Rory.

[Kyle] Ow!

- Girls, have you
seen your mother?
- She went out.

Hmm. Kyle's been
here. Poor, poor Kyle.

- What's that supposed to mean?
- When will she be back?

Please! Hanging out with Rory to make
a lame attempt to hook back up with me?

High school boys. I'm over it. I'm
only into guys with consistent facial hair.

- Girls...
- You are so conceited.

I'm not conceited. I am sorry that
he worships the ground that I walk on.

[both chattering incoherently]

How do you know
what Kyle's thinking?

- He so wants
to get back together.
- Yeah, right.

- Hi.
- Oh.

- Did you start writing yet?
- No.

I had the perfect
sentence and I lost it.

It was as if I had my
hands on the Holy Grail

and then got drunk and
set it down at a party.

I'm sorry I distracted you. You
know, talking about my sister.

No. Well, yeah.

A little. You know, I got to
thinking about Ted and Maggie.

- Yeah, my poor sister.
- Yeah, I know.

So I gave her a phone call
and told her how sorry I was.

That is so sweet of you.

And then I invited her
to come stay with us.

- Are you insane?
- What?!

- She is so
depressing to be around.
- Well...

Even when we were little, she'd get
pouty because boys would pick me...

to play with on sports teams.

Oh, yeah. That's right, you were the hot
one and she was the weepy, moody one.

Where have we seen that?

- [doorbell rings]
- Oh, my God, is that her?

No, it's not her. Cate,
now try to calm down.

- Oh, hi, Donny.
- I am so going
to have my own kingdom.

- Sir, Mrs. Hennessy.
- Yes, Donny?

I'm here to ask permission
to take Bridget out.

Well, gosh, you know,

I've never run into a young
man so polite and gallant.

- But, no. Go home.
- Paul.

Well, it's just that we don't
allow Bridget to date older guys.

And Donny, we hardly know you.

I'm just your average college boy, with
an appointment to the Naval Academy

carrying a 4.0 in engineering
who wants to serve his country.

Well, Donny, I can't think of a
single reason not to say yes to you.

I can't think of a single reason not
to vote for you. But, the answer's no.

- But I don't drink,
don't do drugs.
- No.

- I'm not much of a party guy.
- Still no.

I'm treasurer of a group dedicated
to celibacy before marriage.

Come in.

You have no idea what it's like to have
such a moody, condescending sister.

Hello. I share a room
with Wednesday Addams.

- Is the hugger here yet?
- All right. That's enough, kids.

Your aunt has been
through a really rough time.

So when she's here, I expect
us to be upbeat and supportive.

[doorbell rings]

Paul, just paint
something on the door.

Maybe she'll pass on by.

Upbeat and supportive. Got it.

- Maggie!
- Hello, Paul.

- Kids.
- Hi, Aunt Maggie.

Bridget, you're beautiful.

Rory, stop growing.

- Maggie.
- Cate!

[sobbing] My life is over.

Oh, now, now, now,
honey. I'm here for you.

We're gonna get
through this together.

We are not. I'll
never be happy again.

Is that Aunt Maggie?

It is! It is Aunt Maggie!

What'd you bring me, what'd
you bring me, what'd you bring me?

- A cautionary tale.
- I love your cautionary tales.

- Maybe I should...
- Paul.

Keep standing here.

- Mags...
- Girls, don't ever get married.

Maggie, I know you've
been through a rough time,

but as long as your...

I didn't say anything
out of line, did I?

Why do you always treat
me like a kid? We'll talk later.

- We'll talk later.
- Yeah, right, Cate!

You've said that to me ever
since I was six years old.

[continue chattering

Well, Maggie's all
settled in Rory's room.

Rory's? That's the
most uncomfortable bed.


- [guitar playing]
- Huh.

Oh, it's Donny Doyle.

He's under Bridget's
window, serenading her.

- I'm on it.
- Paul!

Cate, he's conning us.

Those serenading
midshipmen virgins are all alike.

Maybe we should let them go out.

Cate, we have a firm and
arbitrary policy about older guys.

I'd hate for one of the
girls to end up like Maggie.

Alone. Bitter.

Hello, Paul. Hello,
Cate. Just a second.

Knock it off, sailor boy!
We get it, you're in love!

- Hey, Poppa H.
- Hey, Kyle.

Now, don't take
this the wrong way.

I appreciate you teaching
Rory the art of hand-slap fighting,

heretofore the exclusive
province of a father but,

let me ask you, what the hell
are you always doing over here?

- I could ask you
the same thing.
- No. No, actually you couldn't.

I think you have
ulterior motives.

Maybe I do. Maybe I don't.

You don't know what "ulterior
motive" means, do you?

Maybe I do. Maybe I don't.

Bridget's out with Donny Doyle
tonight. She, like, loves him.

Yeah. She, like, loves him.

Dad. Private convo.

Maybe I just like hanging out
here more than my own house, OK?

That bath felt great.

Oh, yeah, a good soak always
makes me feel like a new woman.

Ted found a new woman.

Oh, what I meant was, that when I
take a bath I'm always a nude woman.

I found Ted with a nude woman.

Honey, stop dwelling on
Ted. He's not dwelling on you.

I found Ted with a nude
woman in a dwelling.

OK, now it's getting silly.

Maggie, you're here
to enjoy yourself.

So, what would you like to do?
What would make you happy?

I was thinking about taking Ted, and
you know that vice in his workshop...?

Now, Mags,

could you kind of not
talk that way about men

in front of Bridget and Kerry?

- Where is Bridget?
- She's out with Donny Doyle.

The idiot with the guitar? Hmm.

Hmm? What do you mean by
"hmm?" He's a very nice young man.

Now. Until he gets what
he wants and dumps her.

- Look, I asked
you nicely, Maggie...
- Oh, Cate.

Bridget is not like you.

Her experience with guys has
not left her cynical and bitter.

- What?
- You see, this is
what I meant by "Oh, Cate."

Oh, I'm sorry. Look, I'm sorry.

From now on, it'll just
be cheerful and upbeat.

[phone rings]

Hello? Yes, this is the
Hennessy residence, why?

Oh. Well, thank you.
Somebody found Bridget's purse.

Where can we pick it up?
The Renaissance hotel?

That young boy, Donny Doyle,
took our daughter to a hotel.



Oh, shut up.

No Doyle is registered
there? Donny and Mrs.?

Ask them if they've seen a naval officer
looking to have fun with a hot blonde.


Do you want to find them or not?

I love you, Aunt Maggie.

[chattering outside]

- That's them.
- OK.

Would you please
take Kerry upstairs?

Come on, I'll read to you
like when you were a little girl.

So... The Bell Jar or
On Death and Dying?

Surprise me.

- Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
- Where have you two been?

- A hotel.
- Right to my face.

Donny took me to dinner and
a show at the Renaissance.

The Palm Court. I wanted
Bridget to see my favorite jazz trio.

May I use your phone? My folks
like me to check in when I'm home.

- Yeah.
- Thanks.

Just because a sailor takes me to a
hotel, you guys jump to the worst thing.

So you've just been
listening to music?

It's not just music, Dad. It's jazz.
Donny's favorite is Ella Fitzgerald.

I'm totally going to surprise
him and get tickets to see her.

If you get those tickets, I think that
everyone will be totally surprised.

Honey, Ella Fitzgerald is dead.

Oh, don't tell Donny.

I'd better go. I have to
get up early for church.


Can I go with Donny
to church tomorrow?

Absolutely not.
Two dates in a row?

I'm sorry, knee jerk reaction
there. Sure, you can go to church.

- Good night.
- Good night.

- Mrs. Hennessy.
- OK.

Goodnight, Bridget.

Isn't he awesome? Donny
invited me to a formal with gowns

and gloves and punch
like in the movies.

Oh... Good night. I don't want to
be too tired for church tomorrow.

Quick observation. The one
bookstore is going out of business,

yet all five cheese
stores have lines.

It sure makes you
miss Manhattan.

Really? Do you?

There's Heather and Danielle.

I don't want to deal with them.
Don't see me, don't see me.

Hey, Bridget.

Heather, Danielle, hi.

What's going on? We've been
trying to call you, like, forever.

I almost took
you off speed dial.

I'm sorry, I've been busy
with my new boyfriend.

- He's older.
- Score.

Total. He even
invited me to a formal.

A formal? Whoa. That's
like prom times two.

Wait. Saturday? What
about Sarah's party?

You said you'd flirt with Brandon
so Ashley'll break up with him

and then Brandon will hook Heather
up with Dillon and we can double.

Yeah. This is like
our lives at stake here.

Oh, you guys, I'm sorry,
I can't miss this formal.

Besides, Donny's made me
rethink all this scheming we do.

His school has this honor code,
they can't copy off their neighbor.

I guess he'd say just be honest.

[both gasping]

Who are you?

Yeah. You've, like... changed.

Thong, thong,
thong, thong, damn!

I wore my only real pair
of underwear to church.

You're so going to heaven.

You know, I've never seen you
this serious about a guy before.

You're so lucky you've found
someone you like so much.

Don't worry, Kerry,
it'll happen for you too.

It's all in the mind. I'm
serious. Someday I'll teach you.

Well, there is a guy
that I'm thinking about.

You know, at school.

High school. I'm so over
it, now that I have Donald.

- Oh, so it's "Donald" now?
- That's my little nickname.

You see, that's actually the
opposite of a nick... Never mind.

So you're absolutely through with
high school boys? Say, even Kyle?

[scoffs] Kyle? Please. I hereby
give Kyle away to the universe.

Fly, fly away Kyle, be free.

Don't do that with your fingers.

[doorbell rings]

[zapping on video game]

- Mr. Hennessy.
- Wow, Donny, come on in.

- Thanks.
- Bridget will be right down.

- Drop and give me twenty.
- No, no, no. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

All right, ten. No,
no, come on. Get up.

OK. Here we are.

Who is this angel? You
look so... so grown up.

- You promised
no embarrassing moments.
- Yeah, I know. I lied. Smile.

OK, Mom.

Go ahead, Kerry. Say
something sarcastic.

Believe me, I want to, but
I can't. You look beautiful.

I can. You look...

beautiful. I suck.

- Miss Hennessy?
- Midshipman Doyle.

Just turn around.

Oh, look, Paul. Like
out of a storybook.

And they lived
happily ever after,

until the accusations
started flying like coffee cups.

- Thanks for ruining
a wonderful moment.
- What? I'm just being honest.

Life is a series of disappointments
broken up by periods of dark depression.

- Wow.
- So where do you hide the wine?

- I'm... I'm leaving.
- What? Oh, come on, Cate!

No, no, no. I'm just gonna
go take a drive somewhere.

Is Cate angry at me?

I'm not insinuating that
she actually hid the wine.

No, no, it's just,
you know, Maggie,

every so often
you can be a little,

- well... negative.
- Negative?

Just a little! Just a
little! Right, Kerry?

You called Aunt
Maggie "negative"?

You know, maybe if you could
just, you know, loosen up a little.

Like, I don't know, what
do you like to do for fun?

Lately, I've been using Ted's personal
information to destroy his credit.

Well, that's one way to go.

Or you could, maybe,
go out and have some fun.

Like look up some old friends.
Or go to a spa. Or that new casino.

- I don't like
to gamble. I'm unlucky.
- You've got Ted's credit cards.

And I'm unlucky.

You know what this means now?

That we took a time
machine back to the 1950's?

I know it's a corny
tradition, but I like it.

Me, too.

And now that you're pinned,
I'm your guy and you're my girl.


Well, see ya at Christmas.

Carter, I've got the title.
You ready? Strap yourself in.


Really? Not even with a
"Z"? Yeah, I'll work on it.

Hey, Beach, you're home so
early. It's only 2100 hours... 30.

Donny had to get back early.
But, Dad, it was so amazing.

They announced our
entrance like royalty.

And this big band
played and I ate scallops.

Oh, I remember my first scallop.

I'm so happy you had
a good time, Bridge.

And then the coolest thing.

This fancy band was
playing all this waltzy stuff

and Donny twirled me onto the lanai,
which looks a lot like a regular patio,

- and then he said
he wanted to pin me.
- I'll kill him!

He wanted to give me
his midshipman class pin.

Oh! Oh.. I thought he
meant something else.

Thank you, so did I.

He said, "It's a Doyle tradition." I
said, "Thanks for the pin. Is it gold?"

And he's all, "Well, this
means we're going steady."

- And you're all...?
- I'm all, "What's
going steady?"

He's all, "It means I won't
go out with other girls."

I'm all, "Sweet,
I like this deal."

Then he's, "This means you
won't go out with other guys,"

and I'm all, "Well,
I guess that's fair."

You don't sound
exactly thrilled.

No, I am. Kinda.

I don't know what
to do, Dad. Help me.

Well, help you? Wow. Um...

Maybe... Maybe getting pinned
right now isn't such a great idea.


Well, it's a big step.

You're committing
yourself to one fella...

who's never gonna be around,
who's saving himself for marriage.

And... Let me start again. Why?


Let's see... Why?
Uh... Oh, I know why.

You know, I love that you're
experiencing new things.

Like waltzes, and
lanais, and scallops.

But, and God help me, lately
I kinda miss the old Beach.

Me, too. I love her.

- Thank you, Daddy.
- Sure.

And, besides, we both
know you're too young.


Too young? Too young?
You think I'm too young?

What I meant
was... No, forget it.

I feel like the guy in the movies who's
used his bullets so he throws his gun.

I am not too young.

I'm going to prove that I
can have a long distance,

monogamous relationship with
my virgin boyfriend just to spite you!

Alrighty then.

Where's Maggie?

I convinced her to call some
of her old high school friends.

She's spending a few days with them.
She seemed upbeat for the first time.

- Oh, you cheered her up?
- Yeah.

Been trying to cheer
her up my whole life.

Sometimes it's a matter
of finding the right words.

That is my trade.
I am a wordsmith.

How's Carz with a "Z" coming?

- I gotta go. 'Night everybody.
- 'Night, Kyle.

- What have you guys been up to?
- Getting my butt
kicked in air hockey.

I wish Kyle would find someone
his own age to play with.

Don't you think this
is a little dangerous?

Maybe I do. Maybe I don't.