8 Simple Rules (2002–2005): Season 1, Episode 26 - The Doyle Wedding - full transcript

Everyone in the neighborhood uses every possible excuse to distance themselves from the religious weirdos, The Doyles. However, despite their best efforts, the Hennessys end up in central roles in the wedding of one of the Doyle girls.

I'd appreciate it if you guys

could stay off the
phone for awhile.

There are gonna be a
lot of women calling me.

- Calling you what? Geek?
- Perv?

- Freak?
- Loser?

Not anymore.

I got a part in the Spring play.

You're looking at Lord
Fancourt Babberly.

Is that Charley's Aunt?
Yeah, I read that in high school.

Everybody reads that in high
school. Did you read it, Rory?

I glanced at it.

Point is, the drama club
has five girls for every guy.

I'm gonna be in with the ladies.

- You sure are.
- What?

Well, it's about a guy who has to
impersonate his elderly Spanish aunt.

- So?
- And you play that guy.


So, you spend most
of the play in a dress.

I knew that.

- Rory. In a play. In a dress.
- We are so there.


[doorbell ringing]

Dad, Mr. Doyle's
not gonna go away.

Shh! If he hears you,

the last six minutes
have been for naught!

- [doorbell continues ringing]
- Dad, you wanna get that?



- Hey, neighbor.
- Fred. What's up?

Well, it's pancake
breakfast time.

And don't worry, this year,

we'll remember to
cook the sausages.

How you doing, girls?

Fred, you're still
a Pioneer Ranger?

But your boy's been
in college for two years.

Well, you never leave
the Pioneers, Paul.

As a matter of fact, the day
that Donny made Trail Chief,

I'm not ashamed to
say, I cried like a baby.

You know, you and Rory
ought to give it a shot.

Dad, take a look at this!


He's in a play.

Yeah, well, I'm a Pioneer
Ranger, Paul, not a judge.

Hey, there's the
queen of the castle.

I said he's in a play.

I meant your better
half. Oh, how ya doing?

Hi, Fred.

Mary Ellen and I have
been talking about

what a good time we had the
time we took you two to dinner.

Oh, yeah, yeah, we did, too.
In fact, we owe you on that one.

What's it been,
like, six months?

Coming on to two years.

That was a great
dinner though, wasn't it?

You know what? Give me...

give me ten of those tickets.

You had the Porterhouse
and the shrimp right, Pauly?

- You know what, I'll take 20.
- There you go.

That's very, very
generous of you two.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

See ya later, girls.

And, uh... good
luck with the play.


I'm quitting that play.

Rory, you made a commitment.

We don't go back
on our commitments.

You couldn't be more
embarrassing than Fred Doyle.

Come on, Cate, the guy says
"How's your doody?" Not "Hello."

But "How's your doody?"

What about Beth
and Alison Doyle?

I mean, they have
a lemonade stand.

- Oh, now that's cute.
- Mom, they're in high school.

It's more like a
lame-onade stand.

Last week they
had a cookie stand.

Yeah, it's more like a
lame-a-cookie stand.

Yeah, and awhile ago
they had a mud pie stand.

Yeah, it's more like a
m... No, I got nothing.

Paul, can you believe how mean your
daughters are being about the Doyles?

- "Lame-a-cookie" stand.
- Paul!

Mom, you are
worse than all of us.

At least we don't duck
down in between cars

when we see Mrs. Doyle coming.

I dropped my keys!

- Right, Mom.
- Right, babe.

OK. All right. OK.

I may have been a little less
than generous in the past.

But I feel guilty
hearing you kids do it.

So it stops right now.

I am inviting the
Doyles for dinner.

Maybe we'll all learn to
be a little more accepting.

- What? No!
- End of discussion. Right, Paul?

They swing dance,
Cate. As a family.

We are doing it,
and that's final.

As a family?

- [doorbell rings]
- [all groaning]

All right, that's enough.
Now, that's them.

- Remember, best behavior.
- Come on, let's go.

Well, at least Dorky Donny
Doyle's away at college.

Bridget, stop saying
that. He is not dorky.

Now, the Doyles are real,
regular people just like us.

- ♪ Hello ♪
- ♪ Hello ♪

- ♪ Hello ♪
- ♪ Hello ♪

How's your doody?

We have been
rehearsing that all day.

Well, that's time well spent.

- Hi.
- Put that right in the kitchen.

Hi. Hi, girls, how
are ya, just follow...

- Hi, Rory. Wanna play house?
- No.

I can be the Mommy,
and you can be the Daddy.

Oh, Mary Maureen, maybe
Rory would like to be the Mommy.

He's in a play.

Oh, Beth, Alison, those
are lovely bracelets.

Aren't they, girls?

Huh? Oh, yeah. What
are they made of?

Hair. Can we have
some of yours, Kerry?

Yeah. Redheads are hard to get.


You know, you really didn't
have to do all this, Mary Ellen.

Oh, pish-tosh.

It's just a lattice of prosciutto
and asparagus on toasted focaccia.

I know how hard it is
for you working gals

to find time to do real cooking.

Oh, well, I like to think

I still know my way
around a kitchen.

- Pish-tosh.
- [oven timer chimes]

- The ham's heated.
- Oh.

I would've done more,

but I've been so darn busy
planning Moira's wedding.

Moira's getting married?

I thought she was
in the Peace Corps.

Yeah. Yeah. We had to beg her
to come home for her wedding.

Oh, Cate, I'm sorry we
didn't invite you guys,

it's, it's just family.

Don't give it another thought.

- You know...
- Really. I'm serious. Don't.

You're gonna love this, Bridget.

Our son is stopping
by a little bit later.

- Dorky? Donny,
Donny's stopping by?
- Yes, sir.

Donny came from Annapolis to help us
with the wedding plans, bless his heart.

He has to skedaddle
right back tonight though.

Yeah, but he wanted to swing
by to say hi to his little Bridgie.

Um, Mom, you know,
I'm not feeling very well.

Maybe it's those
eggs you cooked.

I think I should lie down.

Oh, I think you'll be alright.

Why don't you
just stay down here.

Oh, well, don't make
her suffer on our account.

Don't eat the ham.

- [doorbell rings]
- I'll get it.

It must be Donny. Don't tell
him he missed our "hello" bit.

It'll break his heart.


- Donny?
- Hi, Kerry.

It's been awhile.
Hey, everybody.

- Hi.
- Hi, sweetheart.

I wanted to say hi before I
headed back to the academy.

- Where's Bridget?
- Oh, sweetheart,
you just missed her.

She wasn't feeling well.

Bad eggs. Working gal.

Mom wants you to come down.

Donny's here. And he's
gonna leave in a second.

Ugh! Does he still have that ugly,
braces, geeky, scrawny thing going on?

Yes. Yes, he does.

Then I'm still sick.

We're heading down to
the garden show tomorrow.

Gonna take a look at the weed
whackers. See, this one here

- has a three-inch spool.
- She's a beaut.

Yeah, sure is.

This baby over here is gas
powered with a five-inch spool.

It's pretty tempting.

Then get that one.

Here, get down here.
Look who's feeling better.

Well, there's a
brave little girl.

You could be a real good Pioneer
Ranger, if we allowed girls in,

which we don't, and never will.

Fred, I think it's getting kind
of late, it's time for us to...

- We had a lovely...
- play charades!


Hey, is this side shorter?

Oh, now, come on,
it wasn't that bad.

- Oh, pish-tosh.
- OK, it was.

Look, we did a good thing and
we never have to do it again.

- Thank God.
- [doorbell rings]


Fred. Mary Ellen.
You're back. Why?

Well, we had such
a great time tonight,

and we prayed over this
walking across the street.

We got an answer.

We'd like Team Hennessy

to be part of little
Moira's wedding.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

You, you want us to participate
in your daughter's wedding?

I thought you said
it was just family.

That's how we think of you now.

[Fred] Yeah, you know,

since Paul's a writer,

he can scribble out
something for Moira's wedding.

Just try to keep it clean
there, will ya, buddy.

Oh, and Cate. We'd
love it if you'd sing.

Oh, I'm not really a singer.

Now, now, I hear you
when you're gardening.

And let me tell
you, If your flowers

were as pretty as your voice,
I'd worry about my blue ribbons.

But they're not.

Also, since Moira's friends

are all in third world
countries, God bless 'em,

we'd like, Kerry and Bridget
to be the bridesmaids.

- No.
- But we barely know Moira.

Yeah, this is her special day.
She doesn't want me up there.

I mean, people should
be looking at her.


Mrs. Doyle? Do you
have a ring bearer?

- Oh, no.
- We do now.

[both] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Um... [stammers]

When exactly is the wedding?

- Twenty-eighth.
- The twenty-eighth. Ooh...

Sorry, we already have
a prior commitment.

It's Grandma's birthday.

I have to be there. 'Cause
she thinks I'm Grandpa.

And we always honor
our commitments.

That's a fine example to set
for the children. We understand.

Fred Doyle.

- You did it again.
- What?

The 28th is our anniversary.

The wedding is the
21st, you silly-billy.

It is. It sure is.

- Hello? Anybody home?
- Oh.

So you'll be able
to make it after all.

Well, I can't see why not.
Can you, Cate? Think. Hard.

"So let's raise our
glass to the happy couple

as they embark upon this
truly remarkable voyage.

To Moira and her
groom..." [clicking tongue]

Cate, this is not a name.

How can I pronounce
it? It's in Morse code?

Well, I think the accent's on
the second... [clicks tongue]

- Is it really? I'll write that.
- [Kerry] Mom.

Mother, we cannot
wear these dresses.

- Mint Julep, anybody?
- Dad!

I'm sorry, it's just that...

♪ Camptown ladies sing
that song, doo-dah, doo-dah ♪

- I hate you.
- I hear that.

♪ Doo-dah, Doo-dah ♪

It's just so much fun to
see my children in dresses.

Careful what you wish for.

It was so fun rehearsing
with you, Rory.

Why, Katie Sharpe,
you make me blush.

Don't forget the flyers.

- 'Bye, Mr. and Mrs. Hennessy.
- 'Bye, Katie.


You guys look ridiculous.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Take off that dress and slip
into something more comfortable

- like boxing gloves. Come on.
- [doorbell rings]

- Oh, Bridget, it's Donny Doyle.
- Oh, I owe you.

Bridget, that is rude. What
have we been talking about?

Oh, Mary Ellen
isn't with him, is she?

- Nope. It's just Donny.
- That's rude.

- Hey, Kerry.
- Hey, Donny.

- Bridget just stepped out.
- I guess I keep missing her.

I know. It's funny, isn't
it? It's really, really funny.

I just came up for
the bachelor party.

Oh, how was it? Pretty wild?

Know that movie Bachelor Party?

- Yeah.
- We watched it.

Well, I gotta get
back to school tonight.

Tell Bridget I'll see
her at the wedding,

and to save a dance for me.

OK. I will. 'Bye.

Come on, you have
to at least say hello.

No, it's too late. He just left.

Oh, darn it.

You know, Bridge,
Donny is actually very cute.

Yeah, right, Mom.

And he's got a great
personality, right?

Good parenting. Duh!

Yeah, Mom. Duh!

OK, guys, I think I have a
handle on my wedding speech.

And it's good. I've got two
minutes on those old shorts

Fred uses when
he washes his car.

It's hilarious. I'll
just give you a taste.

"Moses called, and he
wants his shorts back."

Never mind. Never mind.

Hey, guys, look at this.

This says that Rory's play
is opening next Saturday.

That's the same
day as the wedding.

Rory gets out of the
wedding? That little weasel.

What, what Bridget
means to say is

we don't wanna miss his opening.

Yeah, because
he's our little brother

and we love him and stuff.

Wait a minute, Cate.
Don't you get it? This is it.

This is the Holy Grail,
what we've been waiting for,

manna from heaven.

This is our prior
commitment. Hallelujah!

OK, Paul, but you're
just gonna have to be

brutally honest with them.

- Me? I'm not telling 'em.
- Let me tell 'em!

The reason I called
you over here...

well, you know, we're honored that
you want us to be in your wedding.

Oh, we're the ones
who are honored.

- Abso-tively.
- Posi-lutely.

- Do it now, Dad.
- Rory.

Yes, siree. We're always saying
you're the greatest people on the block.

Well, I don't know
if we're the greatest.

Ah, come on, Paul,
every time you see me

when you're getting
out of your car,

you're never too busy
to shoot me that wave

before you race
over to the house.

And I so admire Cate. A working
gal and a devoted housewife.

Even with, well, her condition.

Excuse me?

Cate, I see you in the
grocery store parking lot

always dropping your keys.

And sometimes it takes
you forever to right yourself.

The... The courage.

And your children, your
children are the greatest.

Like the time Bridget carried Mary
Maureen all the way back home

after she fell off
her first tricycle.

It was the least I could
do. I mean, I did push her.

All of this makes what I have
to say all the more difficult.

You know, you're
not gonna believe this,

but you're the first
family on the block

that's ever invited
us into your home.

- No.
- No.

Yes, it's true.

That night was
pretty special for us.

- Yeah.
- You know...

Each and every one of you

has shown us what it's
like to be a good neighbor.

Ah, heck, a good person.

- We, we love you guys.
- Oh, Fred.

Oh, boy. What, is somebody
peeling an onion in here?

Paul, what were you
gonna say there, buddy?

Oh, well, I was
just gonna say...

Moses called, he
wants his shorts back.

Seriously, I would like to
thank Fred and Mary Ellen

as well as the
groom's parents...

Sha... Ko... Oh, man.
Uh... Thank you both.

And I'd like to say it means
so much to Team Hennessy

for being a part of today's
wonderful, beautiful ceremony.

Thank you very much.

[band plays up-tempo music]

- Paul, that's a lovely speech.
- Well, thanks.

How'd you think of all those

wonderful things
to say about Moira?

I just thought
about what I'd say

if one of our girls got married.

Oh, Paul look. There's
Rory and Mary Maureen.

This is so fun.

I'm supposed to be at
a cast party right now.

- I'm in a play.
- You're a star?

Star? Yeah, I'm a star.

We're doing two
more performances.

You can come if you want.


You know, honey, we did
this for all the wrong reasons,

- but it's turning out
pretty nice.
- Yeah.

- Hey, look at the girls.
- Ohh...

They're making friends with
people they used to make fun of.

Moses lost his shorts.

- So did we.
- Let's not get crazy.

Um... Ladies and germs.


Um... As if today
weren't special enough,

back by popular
demand, Cate Hennessy.

- Oh, that's your cue.
- Thank you.

- Hide me.
- What happened? What's wrong?

Kerry says Donny is
here looking for me.

He wasn't even
supposed to be here.

He was supposed to be
at Navy college all day.

Dad, I cannot be seen
with Dorky Donny Doyle.

God! Please don't see me!

Please don't see
me! Please don't...

[Donny] Excuse
me, Miss Hennessy,

but may Dorky Donny
Doyle have this dance?

[♪ At Last]

[Cate singing] ♪ At last ♪

♪ My love has come along ♪

♪ My lonely days... ♪

Would you just excuse
me for one second? OK.


Shall we, Donny?

♪ At Last ♪

♪ Skies above are blue ♪

- Huh.
- Yeah, Fred, I see 'em.

Yeah, it looks like we could
be more than just good friends.

Who knows?

- One day... we could be family.
- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

♪ I found a dream ♪

♪ That I could speak to ♪

♪ A dream that I ♪

♪ Could call my own ♪

Well, I really can't believe
I would ever say this,

but I actually had fun
with the Doyles tonight.

- [doorbell rings]
- I'll get it.

- Hello, ladies.
- Hey, Rory. Listen...

- Oh, my God.
- [laughing]

Girls, Wait!

Just give me two minutes
and I'll throw on my dress.