8 Simple Rules (2002–2005): Season 1, Episode 25 - Bake Sale - full transcript

- Hi, honey.
- Can't talk. On a roll.

Well, you could
at least say hello.

Hello. Can't talk. On a roll.

No, it's just that when somebody
interrupts your concentration,

you know, like now, you
may never get it back.

You know, like now.

But... But family comes first.

Hey. Did you have a good
time visiting Mom at the hospital?

- I don't wanna talk about it.
- Thank you, Cate.

I almost missed out on that.

Yeah, she came
to meet me for lunch

and I made the mistake
of taking her on a tour.

I saw kids who were
hospitalized for malnutrition

after we gorged
ourselves in the cafeteria.

I had a salad.

With dressing on
the side. Honest.

- The world sucks.
- Here, oh dark one.

The hospital is doing
something to fight child hunger:

The Great American Bake Sale.

Great idea. Then
later, we can create

world peace with
a kissing booth.

And your sarcasm
feeds people how?

"Share Our Strength is a
leading relief organization

committed to ending
hunger and poverty."

- With a bake sale?
- Lots of bake sales.

All over the country.

And all the money
goes to feed needy kids.

Oh. That's cool.

Anybody smell smoke?
'Cause Daddy's on fire.

Hey, everybody.

Kyle? Bridget? You're together?

No. It's just temporary.

We're together for
the sake of our baby.


Fire's out. Somebody explain.

Fast. Now. What,
what, what, what?

We got paired to do this
assignment in health class.

We have to take care of
this stupid flour sack baby.

Say hello to the newest
member of the Hennessy family...

- Baby H.
- What?

Oh, yeah! It's to teach girls
what it's like to be a teen mom,

- and boys what
it's like to be a dad.
- Exactly. See ya.

Let me see it.

Pale, doughy, built
low to the ground.

At least he's Irish.

How long you have to
take care of the tyke?

Forever. A week. It's not
a tyke. It's an ingredient.

Oh, look, he's enriched.
My side of the family, Cate.

Bridgie, this is gonna
be good for you.

To see how hard
it is to take care

of the baby your
father and I pray

- you won't have for years.
- No. This is worse than a baby.

We have to feed it, change its
diapers, basically do everything for it.

Whereas, a real baby, you can
pretty much leave in a pasture.

You were such helpless little
bundles of love when you were babies.

You couldn't walk, talk...

Spare the trip down memory lane.

Couldn't talk back.

This is ridiculous. How am I
supposed to raise a bag of flour?

Add yeast.

Bridget! Don't
manhandle the baby!

Yeah, and I am
not cleaning that up.

Wait. You have to sign this
slip that says you'll supervise me

and make sure I do
everything. Blah, blah, blah, blah,

because Mrs. Rule wants you
to spy on me. She's a total perv,

and she wears old lady glasses
and those shoes like Mom's.

The good thing is it's an easy A
and helps me qualify for my trip

- to Washington
when I'm a senior.
- That trip is cool.

Yeah, I know. Rachel Dunleavy
even got mono on it last year.

What's wrong with my shoes?

Two AM feedings? Four AM...
We have to supervise all this?

You know, I work long
hours. They're comfortable.

It's the honor system. Check
the boxes and say I did everything.

I get an A and
you sleep. Win-win.

Absolutely not, Bridget.
This exercise will hopefully...

- Teach me responsibility?
- Scare the hell out of you!

And we are not gonna let
you flake on this. Right, Paul?

Two AM feedings? I
need my eight hours, Cate.

You know, honey,
you don't have to do it,

because I'm sure that Kyle

would be happy to
come over here at 2:00

in the morning, go in
Bridget's room and wake her up.

- It'd be like old times.
- I'm in.

OK, I officially hate parenting.

- Mommy have
a couple of rough days?
- Don't even joke.

I'm exhausted, I'm
weak and I have a pre-zit.

Pre-zit? You look
like a Dalmatian.

Hey, there's my little guy.

Are you a good baby
brother? Yes, you are!

I got your nose!

It doesn't have a nose! And
stop fawning over it like it's real.

It's just nice not to be
the youngest for a change.

Welcome to
middle-childhood. It's a picnic.

You're right. I'm feeling
neurotic and ignored already.

I think I need to go cry
for no apparent reason.

- Shut up.
- [Paul] OK, everybody,

I really have to
finish my column.

Nobody distract...
Is that pound cake?

It's not for you. It's for the
Great American Bake Sale.

Kerry got her whole
school to sign up.

They're really into it.

They haven't been this excited
since Name the Drug Dog.

Dad, you should get involved.

I am. I was gonna
eat the pound cake.


Come on, little guy. Let's get
out of here. Baking's for girls.

That's the dumbest
thing I've heard you say.

Some of the world's
greatest chefs are men.

So's half the Ice Capades.

- Grab an apron!
- Oh, man.

Hey, is that Banky?

That's the little blanket you all used
when you were babies. Oh, I love...

It still has baby smell on
it, I love the baby smell.

You also love the
smell of fertilizer.

That was one of my best columns.

OK, I'm going back to bed.

Bridget, you forgot your child.

God, I hate this! I
have no life. I'm in hell!

Boy, that takes me back.

- You don't mean that.
- Yes, I do.

I hate men for doing this.

I'm never going near
another man again!

Alrighty, then.

- [alarm clock beeping]
- [groaning]

Honey. Honey.

Well, this is a
pleasant surprise.

Yeah, it would
be, but it's 2:00.

It's time for Bridget
to feed her baby.


Remember when you used
to do that? You were so good.

So much better than
I was. I was terrible.

Well, nice try. I
did my time. Go.

OK, but when I get back, no
pleasant surprises for you...

unless you really want to.

Bridget, no, honey. You
have to test it on your wrist first.

Ow! Ow, ow, ow!

Maybe you should
shake it a little.

I can't. I'm sleepy. And,
oh, yeah, I don't care.

Honey, it's on your checklist,

along with burping
and rocking it to sleep.

Look, you got another tear. And
the seal is completely undone.

You gotta take better
care of this little fellow.

Dad, let's look at the big
picture here. It's health class.

OK, come on. Help
me tape him up.

[oven timer chimes]

Care Bear, you're baking now?

Yeah. Bake sale's this weekend.

You see that?
That is commitment.

It's the middle of the night
and Kerry is wide awake.

Daddy, are you saying
Kerry's on drugs?

Bridget, stop it!

Come on. Find some tape.

All right, your
baby had a stinky.

[Bridget] Vile. Can't we just put it
on the black market and I'll take a D?

Did you look for it? It's the
drawer with the tape measure.

What drawer is that? Your
mother changes 'em once a week.

It's like the launch codes. God!

- Oh, man.
- What? I didn't do anything.

No, no, I'm just thinking
how much this reminds me

of when I would stay up
late nights with you guys.

[both] Aww.

- Changing your diapers.
- [both] Eww.

- Bathing you in the sink.
- Stop.

This flour reminds me of
powdering your little bottoms.

- Gross!
- Stop it!

Bridget, you forgot...

Is this baby losing weight?

OK, don't panic, but
I think I lost my baby.

- What?!
- I knew you'd be all "what?"

- How?
- I knew you'd be all "how?"

Bridget, tell me you didn't
leave him in the car again?

I was upstairs giving
him a time-out in his room.

Oh, was he being
a bad sack of flour?

You have no idea.

I went back upstairs
and he was gone.

He must be around
here somewhere.

You don't just lose a
baby, do you, Paul?

- Once. I lost Kerry once.
- What?!

No... It was in the department
store. I was trying on hats,

and you sorta crawled off.

We found you later in the
housewares department.

You'd curled up inside a salad
bowl. It was the cutest thing.

- You had to be there.
- Apparently, I was.

Oh, my God! Thank goodness,
you're safe! Kidnapper.

I was just giving him a face. I
got tired of guessing his mood.

- Give it.
- Don't hurt the boy!

Never hurt the boy.

- You lost me?
- Oh, honey, we didn't lose you.

- He lost you.
- [oven timer chimes]

- My cookies are ready.
- Wait, Rory,
you're baking cookies?

Big cookies.

Man cookies.

Cookies with nuts.

[Cate yawning]

- Paul? Do you
know what time it is?
- Two AM.

- Bridget finished
feeding the baby.
- Yeah, I can see that.

Beach. Wake up,
honey. Come on. It's late.

Oh, OK.

- Wait, the baby!
- I got it.

Paul, you're not supposed
to do her work for her.

Well, no, it's just
that she's so tired,

and she's got that pre-zit.

Look at us, Cate, up
late with the baby again.

How many times did we do this?

- Oh... A million.
- Yeah.

Two. Sure seemed like it.


Boy, they were so
beautiful then. And bald.

And we got to
pick their friends.

And they'd look up
at us with pure love.

You know what I'm thinking?

What do you say we
try for another one?


We'll talk.

OK. Who do you think
is cuter: Hunter or Brad?

OK, what about
Charlie or Connor?

OK, now here's the really
big one: Brad or Charlie?

Me too. I just love Ashley.
We can talk about anything.

Bridget's getting
good with the baby.

I remember when you could do
all that stuff holding her and Kerry.

Yeah, while you watched
football and drank beer.

At least I never
dropped the beer.

- What?!
- You know,
I'll tell you something.

This project takes me
back to when they were little,

crawling, laughing, you know,
making those little cooing sounds.

Yeah, and the crib
was made of chocolate.


Can I borrow the car? I
wanna go see Dana's band.

What about little
Jimmy Breslin there?

Like you're not all
naming it too, right?

Fine. I'll drop it off
at its grandparents'.

- No!
- No.

Bridget, the baby
never goes away.

Unless you lose it in
the men's department.

- An hour later we found you.
- An hour?!

Look, the point is,
it's not always fun.

- Well, what
if I got a babysitter?
- No.

Paul, wait.

You know, if you can find a
babysitter for Saturday night,

that you trust to do
everything that you would do,

then that's being a responsible
parent, and you can go out.

Find a babysitter? That's
it? [scoffs] No problem.

[groans] That is the
fourth person who said no.

You find out who your friends are
when you ask to watch your sack of flour.

- Kerry?
- No way. I'm too busy.

But I'm an unwed
mother. It takes a village.

Yeah, well, this villager's
busy baking all night.

OK, fine. I'll find
somebody else. God.

Kerry, feel.

Is Benicio Del
Toro getting lighter?

No, you're probably
getting stronger.

- Really? 'Cause
I don't feel stronger.
- I love your hair.

It turned out great, didn't it?

OK, Care Bear,
we're off to the movies.

Wow. Look at this. You might
change the world after all.

- Stop it.
- Oh, I couldn't be prouder.

- I'm just blown away.
- Yeah, we don't need
to get popcorn.


But what's a movie
without popcorn?

- [doorbell rings]
- That's Kyle. I gotta go.

- Kyle? I thought
you weren't going out.
- We're not. He just drives.

Then we go separate ways,
hook up and he drives me home.

Isn't that what you did
when you were dating?

No. When we were dating, he drove me
places, then we went our separate ways,

we hooked up at the end and
then he drove me home. It's different.

Yeah, God, Mom!

- What are you
gonna do with Jimmy?
- Don't worry. I got a sitter.

What loser has nothing
better to do on a Saturday?

Thanks for the dough, Bridget.

Don't worry about a thing.
The baby's in good hands.

Isn't that right, Frodo?

- Oh, look, it's
Mr. Absentee Father.
- Oh, stop calling me that.

You're the reason we're
stuck with this baby.

- It was an easy A.
- Yeah, easy for you.

"Come on, Bridget, let's take
that class. Everybody's doing it."

You wanted it
just as bad as I did!

So now it's always
the girl's fault.

- I didn't say that.
- No guys will look at me

because I'm carrying
your sack of flour.

- The best assignment ever.
- Yeah!

[clicking teeth]

- What?
- Nothing.

[sighs deeply]

It's just that you're supposed to sift
the flour so it doesn't get too packed

and you don't wind up with
dry cookies, like your last batch.

Some people like them crunchy.

Oh, my God!

- You got shell in it!
- So? I'll get it out. God!

Not with your fingers!
I can't believe you!

Just... get out of my kitchen!

- How was the concert?
- Pretty good.

Yeah. Dana's band wrote
this new song, Light My Fire.

- Nice try, Dana.
- Yeah.

- Hey, Bridget.
- Hi.

So how did Uncle
Rory do babysitting?

Uncle Rory. That's
funny, Grandma H.

What did you call me?

So, Rory, where's the baby?

First of all, the
important thing is I'm OK.

And we're relieved...
for now. Go on.

Well, I was jonesing for a slushie,
so we skate down to the market.

You know, where
the owner hates Dad?

He calls me Mr. Need A Penny.

All of a sudden, these
giant biker guys walk in.

They're all, "Look at the
kid with the bag of flour."

I'm all, "Look at the stupid biker guys
with no necks and German army helmets."

Turns out the bikers can
dish it out, but they can't take it.

So they started chasing
me, and I dropped Frodo.

- Rory!
- The important thing is I'm OK.

Now I'm gonna flunk and it's
all his fault. I'm gonna kill him!

Cate, it is 11:35. It's
still Saturday. Pay up.

Twenty-five minutes, that
dollar would have been mine.

Come on!

You both bet I couldn't do it?

Bridget, it's not like
it sounds. It's, uh...

[knock on door]

Bridget, we're really sorry.

Yeah, that was
completely insensitive of us.

What? You were right.

I can't even keep a sack of flour
alive. I'm a terrible fake mother.

No, you're not. You're a kid in
high school just doing her homework.

Bottom line, it was
just a sack of flour.

And you're gonna be a great mom.

Yeah, when the time comes,
years from now, decades even.

No, I won't.

You took this more seriously
than either of us thought you would.

Yeah, honey, you actually did so
well, I could see you with a real baby.

Whoa, Cate, pump
the brakes, all right?

But your mom... Your mom
is right. You did a great job.

I'm gonna check
off all the boxes.

- Really?
- Uh-huh.

- So I'll get my A?
- Uh-huh.

- I'll qualify
for the Washington trip?
- I guess so.

Alrighty, then.

She's not the
deepest well, is she?

For a nanosecond I thought
she was into having the baby.

I think that was you.

Cate, it was so easy to know
what they needed back then.

You and I were
their whole world.

Well, you mostly, 'cause you
had a leg up on the bonding

because of your equipment.

Getting up to nurse
crying babies all night.

Yeah, I got the
better end of that deal.

I remember I used to come into their
rooms and just stare at them for hours.

That was before they
were old enough to say, well,

"Get out of my room."

Honey, it's natural to
have those feelings.

I have them sometimes, too.

But then I tell myself not to
spend too much time thinking

about how wonderful they were that
I miss how wonderful they are now.

- So that's a no
on the baby thing?
- Oh, yeah.

Besides, how could we
possibly top the ones we've got?

- They are pretty terrific.
- [Bridget] Rory,
I'm gonna kill you!

- [Rory] Ow, ow! I can explain.
- A dollar says she takes him.

Why don't I just
give you the money?

What was Benicio
doing in the trash?

OK. I didn't lose the baby quite
the way I told Mom and Dad.


I started out doing
everything just like you said.

Just hear me out.
Everything started out fine.

I was sitting there, pretending
to give him his bottle.

Well, I had milk in one
hand and flour in the other,

and the thought
came to me: Eggs.

And maybe just
a dash of vanilla.

I was only gonna take one scoop.
But then I took another and another...

No, wait. You were taking scoops
of flour? I was taking scoops of flour.

- I knew he was losing weight!
- Before you hurt us,
think of this:

Frodo gave of himself
so that others might live.

Circle of life.

So you really think
it was a success?

Only if you consider raising a lot of
money and having a great time doing it

- a success.
- What a turnout
you got from school.

I'm just incredibly proud of you.
Rory, your sister was amazing.

- You should have seen her.
- Oh, really?

You should have seen the
dinner I made... an hour ago.

When you said you'd be home.

Well, we're here now.

Rory Hennessy does
not serve cold lasagna.