8 Simple Rules (2002–2005): Season 1, Episode 24 - Queen Bees and King Bees - full transcript

Paul is now left out from the sports writers' poker nights, so he enlists Bridget to help get him back in. On "take your children to work" day Paul takes the girls and Cate takes Rory.

- [doorbell rings]
- Somebody get that?

Someone! I'm working!

- [doorbell rings]
- Does anyone hear that?

Oh, yeah. Doorbell.

- Oh, hi, boss.
- Hi, Paul. Shouldn't you be working?

No, actually, I...

Rachel, your father's here!
Hey, want some coffee?

No. I'm running errands. My wife
and I are having a party tomorrow night.


More like Mardi Gras.

- You're having a party?
- Oh, I would have
invited you, Paul,

but it's just my sportswriters.

- You know,
I used to write sports.
- You sure did.

Too bad you can't come,
'cause we're having lamb. Mmm.

- Bye.
- Hey, bye, Mr. Hennessy.

- I'll see you at my parents'...
- Rachel! Time to go.

See you, buddy.

- Daddy, I need
to check my e-mail.
- Sweetheart, I'm working.

Is that more important
than your family?

At the end of your life,
are you gonna think back,

"If only I had more
time to work"?

No. I'm thinking that right now.


Paul, she is mass e-mailing
gossip about Jenna Sharpe.

How many times have I told you
not to slander my boss's daughter

- from our home computer.
- Oh, lovely, Paul.

Jenna had something
embarrassing happen,

and now Bridget is milking it
for all it's worth. It's just not nice.

- What happened?
- She sat on a couch
in the library

- and made this rude noise.
- Rude noise?

[imitating flatulence]

Like that.

- Ahh.
- That was what Jenna said.

She was sitting down, trying to
get the couch to make the noise.

We're like "Yeah,
right, Jenna, just own it."

You know, this isn't funny.

I have been reading a lot lately
about how cruel teenage girls can be.

You know, when I
was in high school,

there was this girl that
everybody thought was a loser.

And she was self-conscious
and awkward, and, you know,

but really, really nice,
once you got to know her.

Aww, and that girl was you.

No! It was Denise Fabio.
I have two eyebrows.

Oh, lovely, Cate.

You're reading a little bit too much,
Mom. It's all a bunch of media hype.

What's that supposed to mean?

Sometimes, to sell a bunch of magazines,
they'll write these big articles...

I know what "media hype" means.

I'm just saying I agree with your
mother about your little group,

with its cool clothes, own
language, code of behavior...

It's like a girls Mafia.

There's no such thing as a girls Mafia.
Just a highly-structured secret society

with a set of rules and
severe consequences.

[whimpering] There's
a secret society?


I hate that Jenna! She's evil!

Yesterday she was like, "I
love your jacket. It's so you."

Today I see her, and she's
wearing the same jacket.

Like she's stealing
my soul or something.

God, she is so petty.

Bridget, are you
thinking what I'm thinking?

Yeah, but I don't think
we'd ever get away with it.

I meant, aren't you the
one who's being petty?

Oh. No, we weren't
thinking the same thing at all.

- Jeez!
- What's wrong, honey?

Got off the phone with Tommy.
Because I missed the last two poker nights,

he's given my chair to somebody
else. You know, It's not fair.

I've been part of that sportswriters
poker night ever since it started.

But you're not a
sportswriter anymore.

Thank you. Tommy
pointed that out too.

This is what happens when
you don't show up at the office.

- Out of sight, out of mind.
- You're gonna
be there next week.

- I am?
- Yeah.

For Take Your
Daughter to Work Day.

Oh, great! You guys can
see where Daddy works.

Daddy, you work
in our living room.


I'll have you know, I am a
vital part of the Detroit Post.

There is marketing research
where readers say the reason

they buy it is to
read my column.

- Those forms you had
me fill out?
- Besides that.

- The forms you had me fill out?
- Everybody does that.

You think I'm gonna let you goof
around the house by yourselves?

- Well, I assumed...
- [Paul] Aha!

No, never assume.

Because when you assume,

you make an "ass"
out of "u" and "me."

Wow. That is really...
- Lame?
- Yes.

I think Take Your Daughter
to Work Day is discrimination.

Rory's right. A man should be
able to take all his children to work.

Hey, I have a job too, you
know. A job I actually go to.

Wanna come to
the hospital with me?

Or to the newspaper with
me? Big presses, jelly donuts.

Don't make me
choose between Dad...

Student nurses and bloody guys.


OK, girls, here it is:
the Sports Department.

This is where your father cut
his journalistic teeth. Take it all in.

- Done.
- Let's go.

No, wait. Come here.
Get back here. Come on.

Your father spent many
happy years right here.

Mister, did you know our father?

Yes, and he never spoke of you.

Now, knock it off. This, right
here, used to be my desk.

This is where it all happened.

This was the hub, the heartbeat,
if you will, where all the guys met.

- We were like a band
of brothers.
- Hey, brother, get off my desk.

That's just some snappy
newspaper banter. Priceless.

I was telling the girls
that used to be my desk.

That's right, I forgot. I gotta
cover the Tigers double-header.

- Visit more often.
- Visit? What?

- I work here.
- Sorry, I'm an idiot.

You write that Slice Of Life
thing from home. My wife loves it.

- Well, gotta go.
- OK. That's Artie.

Oh, my God, look, that's Jenna
Sharpe. God, she copies everything I do.

So you guys are dressed
alike. That's just a coincidence.

- You make it sound sinister.
- You are a child.

She so wants to be me. Her
father works at the same paper.

Just be nice. Hi,
Rachel. Hi, Jenna.

- Hi, Mr. Hennessy.
- Hello, Bridget.

Go on, speak, boss's daughters.

- Hello. Sit on any couches lately?
- Bridget!

[both] Ooh.

Here it comes.
Clash of the titans.

I told you this would get ugly.

What... ever.

Oh, for... Come on. You
are guests at the newspaper.

Stop acting like
you're in high school.

- Hey, Hennessy.
- I'm not talking to you, Tommy.

- Hey, Poppa H.
- Kyle? What are you doing here?

- He could ask you
the same thing.
- I've had enough of you.

- I work here.
- Trouble in the ranks?

Hennessy, I'd like to
speak with you in private.

[all] Ooh.

Hennessy's in trouble.
Hennessy's in trouble.

- Why are you on my case, Nick?
- I did that
so I could talk to you.

And I wanted to look like a
big shot in front of my girls.

But you made me look
bad in front of mine.


I owe you a beer.

What's really going on here?

I was up all night with
Jenna sobbing in my arms

because some kids at
school teased her for a, um...

- noisy couch.
- Noisy couch?

OK, yeah. I understand.

The one day she
forgot to take her pill.

That's shameful. It's
a natural phenomenon.

It's like they're making
fun of God's handiwork.


There's this one mean girl
who's leading the charge.

Really? Jeez. Did Jenna happen
to mention who the mean girl was?

No. She knows I'd hunt down the
kid's father. Perhaps get physical.

- I see.
- Thanks for the little chat.

When we go back in there,
could you act like you were crying?

- No!
- All right, all right. OK.

- Hey, Beach, having fun?
- Yeah. Kind of. I mean,

for the fifty-third worst
day of my life. You OK?

Yeah, I'm fine. It's
just one of those days.

You rank the days?
Never mind, never mind.

It's just, you know, I pitched
five column ideas to Nick,

he rejected four, said
he'd think about one.

Oh, Dad, I'm sorry you're
not cool around here.

Cool? Honey, cool doesn't even
enter into the equation in the adult world.

They don't judge
me by how cool I am.

I am judged solely by
the quality of my work.

Paul, I've thought
about that idea.


- Ouch. That's gotta hurt.
- Are you kidding?

Honey, you just roll with
the punches. That's all.

- Come here. Something's happened.
- What?

Oh, my God!

Hi, Bridget.

Daddy, can I go out
with Kyle on Saturday?


[gasps] That's my sad face.

- Convinced?
- OK.

Boss's daughter. Way to rebound.

Bridget. Bridget, you've gotta
take the high road. Stay above it.

- Roll with the punches.
- Tommy, I'll see you
at poker tonight?

Got the whole
chair set up for you.

Oh, my God! You
gave Nick my seat!

Tommy, you didn't tell me
that I was taking Paul's seat.

This is uncomfortable.

Hope it's lucky.


So, Nick, what kind
of beer do you like?

Rory, I hope you had fun at the
hospital and learned something.

Sure did, Mom.
I picked up a lot.

I'm gonna go visit
the Doyles. See ya.

I can't believe Kyle's
going out with Jenna.

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

That must be painful, your
ex-boyfriend going out with someone else.

You know, when I
was in high school,

there was this girl who went
through the very same thing.

She had such a hard time.

- Aw, and that girl was you?
- No!

Oh, right. "Denise Fabio."

I don't care about Kyle. Everyone's
gonna think Jenna stole him.

If they would focus, they'd remember
that I already dumped him. God!

And it's already all over school that
Bridget's old boyfriend prefers Jenna.

I can't believe this. Now, I'm
gonna be an outcast just like Daddy.

Bridget, I'm not an outcast.

- How was Nick's party?
- How are Jenna and Kyle?

- Paul!
- She started it.

- Paul!
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

You know, without due
respect, I think I can help you.

I know how to play this game.

That's the difference between
teens and adults. I don't play games.

Yeah, and Mom's not
really Denise Fabio.

This is gonna pad
a lot of G-strings.

[imitating John Wayne]
Not so fast, pilgrim.

I got a couple of
cowboys in this corral.

Three chicks with a
pair of kings? Brilliant.

By the way, that John Wayne
impression's the best I've heard.

- Do it again.
- [imitating John Wayne] Pilgrim.

- Hey, fellas. Hi.
- Hennessy,
what are you doing here?

I'm part of the group. Thought I'd drop
by in case somebody wants to sit out.

- I told you we have
a full table.
- Let him stay. Fresh meat.

So... how is everybody?

- Did someone say something?
- [all chuckling]

So, Nick, you catch the
Pistons game last night?

- I was up all night
with a crying kid.
- Don't worry. I taped it.

Turn it off after the final buzzer
or you'll watch Kyle's sixth birthday.

- You tape over family videos?
- Just the stuff with the kids.

They don't even
look like that anymore.

- How do the Tigers look?
- They couldn't look
any worse...

Paul, Paul, let's let the
sports guys field this question.

If I wanna know about
Civil War reenactments

or how itchy the authentic
underwear is, then I'll ask you.

It feels good hanging
out with you guys.

But, you know, Nick, that article
did get a lot of positive mail.

Yeah, how is Rory?

All right, seven card high-low.
I'm gonna take you down, Sharpe.

[imitating John Wayne]
That'll be the day.

It's incredible. He is the Duke!

Scout, my daddy told me I could
shoot all the blue jays I wanted,

but it's a sin to
kill a mockingbird.

Hennessy, what the
hell are you saying?

Gregory Peck. To
Kill a Mockingbird.

Directed by Robert Mulligan,
one of the greatest... Never mind.

Dad, I'm using the car to go
someplace and see some people.

- Don't know
when I'll be back.
- Fine. Go.

[door closes]

That's a great kid. Looks
nothing like me, but a great kid.

- Well, he's made
my Jenna happy.
- Already?

Do John Wayne.

Nick, I forget,

is there a trellis right outside
Jenna's bedroom window?

Why? You don't
think...? I'm out.

Nice going, Scout.

OK, I'm ready.
Teach me everything.

I knew you would come, Father.

It was only a matter of time.

OK, you remember
everything I said

about there being no
such thing as a girls Mafia?

Well, there is. But all cliques
have the same structure.

See, at the top, you
have the Queen Bee.

- In your case, Mr. Queen Bee.
- That's Nick Sharpe. Got it.

OK, next we have the sidekick.
Not as pretty as the Queen Bee,

- but always sucks up to her.
- Well, that's Tommy.

- That's so Tommy, right there.
- OK. Then we have the wannabe.

She'll do anything to
get in with the Queen.

- You lost me.
- OK, like when you do

Gregory Peck impressions at parties,
weddings, our answering machine.

So sue me if I presume
people enjoy that.

Aha! Never presume,
because when you presume,

you press you to me.

- Eww, gross! That doesn't work.
- OK, all right. Just go on.

OK, what you need to do
is get in real good with Nick.

Then get him to tell you an
awful secret about himself.

Then tell everybody,

thereby overthrowing him,
putting you back on top.

I take you to church.

Fine. Be a wannabe
the rest of your life.

I am so not a wannabe. But it
goes against everything I stand for.

Everything I teach
my children. Bridget,

I have to ask myself, would
Gregory Peck do something like that?

Yes. I believe he would.

- Artie. Where's Nick?
- Snack machines. What's up?

Let's just say there's
a new queen in town.

Never leave sports.

- Hey, Nick.
- Oh. Busted.

Yeah, I eat chocolate when I'm
depressed. It's my dirty little secret.

Secret? Huh.
Wanna talk about it?

Well, I, uh... I
guess I can tell you.

[sighs] I'm saying it's
coming from upstairs.

I'm gonna let Artie
and a couple others go.

- You're laying people off?
- Damn budget cuts.

It's the only way I can
save my performance bonus.

Wow, what a relief to
get that off my chest.

Keep this confidential.

Boy, you'd be a pretty unpopular
fellow if news like this got out.

- Well, see you.
- Where you going?

Uh, nowhere. No... Um, why?

Thanks for listening.

Hey, I know I can be a jerk sometimes,
but, uh, you're a good man, Paul.


I'll tell you, Cate, I had Nick right
where I wanted him and I couldn't do it.

I actually felt
compassion for the guy.

And I realized, what would I get
if I betrayed Nick's confidence?

- A seat at that
stupid poker game.
- Who is this enlightened man?

If he fires those guys, they'll
let me right back in, right?

Ah, there he is.

But I'll say no because I don't
want any part of that group.

And then I'll laugh.

You know, honey, you
should consider being a mentor.

Listen to me. You're right. Why
did that stuff bother me so much?

Oh, Paul, when I left
nursing, I told myself

that I would always
be a part of the gang.

But every time I dropped
by, I felt like an outsider.

I wasn't up on the in-jokes or the
gossip and I really felt abandoned.

Finally, I realized that I was
grieving for my nursing career.

Maybe I wasn't clear on the question.
Why did that nonsense bother me?

- Never mind, Paul. Never mind.
- Grieving! Yeah, I got it.


- Hey, Daddy.
- Hey.

Daddy, you look sad.

Well... I'm grieving.

I'm... I'm not a sportswriter
anymore and I'm grieving.


I get really sad when I
give my old clothes to Kerry.

- So you understand.
- Totally.

You've been really upset lately. Maybe
you're going through the same thing.

You mean I could be grieving the
life I had before Jenna came into town,

- stole my friends,
my sense of style...
- Keep going.

[sighs] No, no, it's crazy because I
don't wanna be with him or anything,

because it's so
over, but a part of me,

a small part of me...

- I miss Kyle!
- Ohh.

I miss sports!


OK, I'm done. I'm
good. I'm good.

- That's it? Grieving process is over?
- Let me check. [sobs]

Yeah, I'm good.

Wait, wait, wait! Hang
on! Hang on a second.

You're OK with
Jenna and Kyle now?

Everyone thinks Jenna's
a boyfriend-stealing tramp.

There's a petition asking that nobody
has dealings with that nasty business.

- Wait, that's mean.
- [doorbell rings]

When her Dad finds out,
somebody's gonna have hell to pay.

Hello, pilgrim.

Kerry defiled my
Avril Lavigne poster.

I went to Mom and Dad.
They told us to work it out.

I want justice, Bridget.

You go to Mom and Dad first?

What have I done that
you insult me like this?

This, the day that
I'm studying for finals.

I meant no disrespect.

I will help you.

But someday, and this
day may never come,

I may call on you
to do me a favor.

Will you two do me
a favor and shut up?

[coughs] These
grapes are really sour.