8 Simple Rules (2002–2005): Season 1, Episode 22 - Good Moms Gone Wild - full transcript
Kerry and Bridget are caught partying on the evening news while the family is vacationing at Cate's parents home in Florida. The news also runs an archived video that features a young Cate, who is very drunk at a bar.
Hey, honey.
Do you suppose you could
slam the door a little louder?
Wow. Somebody's stressed out.
Oh, paying the bills.
Your time of the month.
I don't think we can
take our family vacation.
Our college funds
aren't growing.
We make a good living. Money
shouldn't be such an issue.
It's an issue for anyone who
wants to send their kids to college.
Even party schools are
30 grand a year these days.
At this rate, Bridget's gonna
have to go to a junior party school.
Oh, great, you're here.
Kids, Cate, I've got
some disappointing news.
We're gonna have to
do some belt tightening,
and I don't think we can go to
the cabin at the lake this year.
I said I don't think we can go
to the cabin at the lake this year.
- No, Dad.
- It's terrible.
Nuts.
You have to work on
your fake disappointment.
Mom, Dad, Bridget and I have an idea
on how we can save money around here.
How? By talking
less on the phone?
Close. Going to
Florida for Spring Break!
How is that close?
If we're in Florida, we can't
be here talking on the phone.
Plus, it won't
cost you anything.
We can get tickets
using frequent flyer miles.
Miles I earned by
talking on the phone.
And charging clothes
to my credit card.
And Mom's.
You know, girls, even if
money wasn't an issue,
Do you really think we would let
you go to Florida unsupervised?
But I visualized it!
You're not going.
End of discussion!
Easy. You don't have to
get all Great Santini on us.
Yeah. Great Santini.
Hey, who's Great Santini?
Man, no lake this year.
This was one of our last
shots at a family vacation.
In a couple years the
girls will be at college.
No, they won't. We
don't have any money.
[groans] Oh, God.
But you know, they just
gave me a good idea.
We could all go to Florida and stay for
free at my parents' house in Sarasota.
Vacation with your parents?
That's not how I visualized it!
But, honey, you need a break.
I know. I'd love us
all to be together.
- I don't know.
- My parents won't be there.
They're going on a cruise.
Kids, good news.
We're going to Florida!
Well, here we are,
God's waiting room.
It smells like 1945 in here.
Everyone in this place looks
like they host 60 Minutes.
I'm gonna do a recon. Sometimes
Grandpa drops money he can't pick up.
Look at all these photos.
There's a great one
of you and the kids.
Ted and your sister.
Ted and your sister.
Ooh! Your sister and Ted.
In front of Ted's bank.
It's a shrine to Ted.
Not one picture of me.
Well, look. Here's
one of all of us.
Honey, that's just my right eye.
Mom couldn't fit everyone in.
It was my birthday. I was
blowing out the candles.
It's all right. No hard feelings.
I'm here to have a good time.
Ooh, nice picture of
Ted, though. With our kids.
There's a chair in the
shower. What's that all about?
Kerry, let's go see the pool.
I'll go with you. I'm gonna
check out the babes.
My God, which ones are the men?
Cate, when was this photo taken?
Oh. College. Sophomore year.
Oh, right. We don't talk
about sophomore year.
When you broke up with
me to see other people.
- I changed my mind, didn't I?
- A little too late.
Called me up, put the phone to the
stereo so I could hear Baby Come Back.
- I was in pain.
- Good. A taste of
your own medicine.
Look, you want to talk...
This is why we don't talk
about sophomore year.
I know. It's ridiculous.
We're on vacation.
We're gonna have a good
time. The kids are gone.
Your parents aren't here. What
do you say we relive junior year?
Oh, yeah, Maneater.
- Look out, here I come.
- [phone rings]
Hang on.
Hello.
Uh, no, they're on a cruise.
Yeah, this is their son-in-law.
No, not the banker.
The other son-in-law.
Yes, they do.
Yes, they do!
Yes, they do!
Hey, Magnum.
Where's T.C.?
[false laughter]
I'm just gonna sit on the
veranda and read a book.
What have they got
here? Life Begins at 50.
Life Begins at 60.
Life Begins at 70
and... Cryogenics.
- Kerry and I are
going to the beach.
- OK.
But I expect you girls to carry
yourselves like Hennessy women.
If I find out that you were
anywhere near a party,
I'm gonna make you take long walks
with your father while he wears that shirt.
And I have matching shorts.
Eew. Kerry, come on. We're
missing the peak tanning hours.
I'm ready.
For what, beekeeping?
Do not tease your
sister. She has fair skin.
All right, go on.
Have fun, Bridget.
And you too, Casper.
- I'm off to
the beach with Jake.
- Who's Jake?
- A friend I made at the pool.
- Wait a second, Rory.
- We don't know this Jake.
- We should meet
his parents first.
OK.
Jake, my folks would
like to meet your parents.
Got a Ouija board?
That's Jake. You're Jake?
Yes, sir, Jake Fisher,
apartment 14-H.
You've got a nice
polite boy here.
So, can I go? Jake's gonna
teach me about the ocean.
He was in the Pacific
during World War II.
Iwo Jima. Ring any bells?
Oh, well, I guess it's OK.
How can we say no to a member
of the Greatest Generation?
You're very kind. And I must say,
it's a pleasure to finally meet you.
I've heard so much about Paul,
the hugely successful son-in-law.
- See?
- You've read my column?
Column? I thought
you were a banker.
Can you believe that, all
those college kids drinking
and blocking traffic?
Paul, were you driving with
your arm out the window?
Yeah, why? Ow!
Oh, my God. It was
only for ten minutes.
Hey, Mom, Dad.
Did you dip your arm in paint?
- How was hanging out with Jake?
- Great.
Being old is cool. You get to
yell at people, park anywhere,
take your teeth out.
I can't wait.
I'm two different colors. I look
like one of Garth Brooks' shirts.
I'm Cameron Hughes
in downtown Sarasota,
where I'm surrounded by the
annual horde of spring breakers.
Cate, take a look at this.
It's pandemonium here.
This was the scene an hour ago,
when we first arrived at Beach Balls,
a popular local bar.
The styles may have changed,
but the behavior has not.
- How do local residents feel?
- Do you see that girl?
Oh, yeah. Talk
about "news flash."
Rory!
She can't even be out of high
school. She's about the same age as...
As a matter of
fact, she looks like...
- a lot like...
- [both] Bridget!
[groans]
[Bridget] You don't
think that's me, do you?
- Of course not.
- No.
- That is you!
- Definitely.
- That is not me.
- Yeah.
That girl has a tattoo. Bridget
doesn't have a tattoo that you know of.
Yeah. All right.
Yeah, you're right.
- Sorry.
- Sorry isn't good enough.
I'm hurt. How could you think that we
would blatantly disobey your orders?
What do we have to
do to earn your trust?
Start by blocking the TV.
[Hughes] For one month
our peaceful beach community
is taken over by
unruly college students
who party literally
around the clock.
- Bridget!
- It's a funny story, actually.
We were on the beach,
minding our own business
when this guy came over and
asked us to change a light bulb.
So we went over to his bar
and I got up on his shoulders,
- then this news crew
came in and...
- Please stop.
So much for my family vacation.
I don't even know
who my daughters are.
[Hughes] As you can
see by this archive footage,
college students have been
going wild in Sarasota for decades.
Girls, you can just kiss
Spring Break goodbye.
You are grounded. I have
never been more disappointed.
Look at that girl. Awesome.
That's not awesome, that's...
- [both] Mom?
- [groans]
That's what you meant by carrying
yourself like a Hennessy woman?
You were going to
town on that beer, Mom.
That was a long time ago.
And that makes it OK?
You are such a hypocrite.
Plus you say one thing
and do something else.
Oh, my God, you're a...
- I know you're upset.
- A Bridget!
- Beekeeper!
- Cate!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Look, it was a long time
ago. I was in college.
I mean, you were
really chugging it.
Kids, that's enough. I want
you all to clean up for dinner.
- You can show
your mother some respect.
- Thank you, Paul.
More respect than
she shows herself.
- Oh, don't you start with me.
- Hang on a second.
College? We were dating
when you were in college.
- Yeah, well, not during...
- Sophomore year.
I thought you stayed in
and cried the entire time.
Oh, come on. Who
really does that?
I did.
Well, you grieved your
way and I grieved mine.
All these years your family led
me to believe that I destroyed you
and you were holed
up suffering for a month.
I was. They
didn't film that part.
Paul, what am I
gonna tell the girls?
Paul?
So while I was in my room
listening to The Best of Bread,
staring at that photo of
us at the medieval fair,
you were out doing
God knows what.
I think we have
bigger fish to fry.
You're right. I'm sorry.
I should be counting my blessings
that you didn't meet someone.
Oh, my God.
- Did you love him?
- It was one date.
My mom fixed me up.
He was a total nerd.
Nothing happened.
- I mean, his name was Byron.
- Byron?
So, did you love him?
Can we focus on
what's important here?
I have become an excuse
for the girls to behave badly.
How am I supposed to discipline
them without sounding hypocritical?
So, where did Byron take you?
Girls, good. I wanted to talk to
you about what happened yesterday.
Can it wait? We're going
swimming with our tops on.
Well, maybe.
Girls. Girls!
Paul, did you see the
way they just treated me?
Wow. It's almost as if you
exposed your breasts on TV
and then tried to
preach morality.
That milk was here
before we arrived.
I know. I like it chunky.
[knocking]
- Sir, does he belong to you?
- Rory. Officer, what happened?
We had a report of water balloons being
thrown at young women wearing t-shirts.
Rory Joseph Hennessy!
Actually, he was filling
them up for this guy.
- You?
- I was having flashbacks.
You'd think a World War II veteran
would conduct himself with more dignity.
Jake, not the World
War II story again?
Why won't you ever believe me?
I was on the beaches at
Normandy, me and Tom Hanks.
Why, just thinking
about it, I...
I better sit down.
Where's your shower?
I think you better leave.
If it wasn't for me, you'd
have said that in German.
Go to your room. Jake's
been a bad influence on you.
Dagnabbit!
Jake's harmless. I've
known him for years.
- Are you OK, sir?
- It's just that I'm
in the middle
of the worst vacation ever.
I came down here because I wanted
one last hurrah as head of a happy family.
And what did I get?
Kicked in the teeth, pal.
- Kicked in the teeth.
- I meant your arm.
Paul, did you see
where I put my hat?
Cate, is that you?
Byron?
- Yeah.
- Byron?
I hate Florida.
- It is you.
- [chuckles nervously]
Wow. Byron, you
really look different.
Really? Maybe I lost
a little muscle mass,
but you can't be a
bodybuilder forever.
Don't I know that.
I've got a shoulder injury.
How much did you bench?
[woman] Seven-Adam-12, we
have a 9-2-2 in progress on Ocean.
Please respond.
Copy that.
We have an elderly woman
driving with her blinker on.
I'm gonna have to go.
Cate, it was really
good seeing you again.
- The nerd?
- He used to wear glasses.
Did you check out
that policeman?
[Bridget] Attention, all cars,
there's a hottie in progress.
Hallelujah.
All right. Hands
where I can see them.
[all] Byron!
Sandy, how about a beer?
- Oh, hi.
- Oh, hey!
- Byron.
- Yeah. Yeah.
How funny that I went
on a date with your wife?
Hilarious.
Ooh, I guess that sort of adds
to the bad day you were having.
A little. It's not you.
It's just, you live with
somebody 20 years.
Do you really know them?
I don't know, maybe Cate wishes she
married someone more fun, successful,
- better-looking...
- Thanks.
- I meant in general.
- Come on, what's wrong
with you?
- We went on one date.
- How did it go?
- There was
definitely chemistry.
- Chemistry.
She wore this miniskirt.
Whoo!
And after "Whoo"?
Well, we had a nice
dinner and some drinks.
Then that song, Baby Come
Back, starts playing on the jukebox,
and she starts crying.
She starts talking about this
boyfriend she has in Michigan.
How cute he was, how
much she missed him and uhh!
Cute? Not handsome or
rugged? But I interrupted.
- You go ahead.
- That's it. End of story.
- Took her home,
called it a night.
- Never saw her again?
- I saw her
a couple nights later.
- Terrific. Second date.
No. I had to arrest
her in a bar for flashing.
- So, it was
strictly professional.
- Oh, yeah.
I can't say that I'm sorry
your date turned out bad.
[Jake] I'll tell you
about a bad date.
December 7, 1941.
Me and Ben Affleck,
fighting side by side.
As luck would have
it, over the same girls.
What are you watching?
Murder, She Wrote.
Jake would have
wanted it that way.
Look, Rory, I know you
enjoy hanging out with Jake.
But your father and I just
want you to spend some time
with someone a
little more mature.
Come on, cheer up.
- Have some hard candy.
- Hard candy!
Girls, come in here.
What are you doing here?
I thought you'd be at Señor Swanky's
for two-for-one tequila slammers.
All right. Sit.
It's time we had a little talk.
OK, look. It's true.
When I was a young woman
there were a few moments
where my behavior could have
been described as "spirited."
"Spirited?" You
flashed a news camera.
Fine. I was a little wild.
You're our mother.
But my behavior, no
matter how immature,
does not give you a free
pass to behave badly.
Yes, it does.
Look, you guys, I did some
stupid things that I regret.
Maybe you could just
learn from my regrets.
Or we could do them and
learn from our own regrets.
Does it really look like I'm
having a good time on that video?
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
OK.
I'm gonna start over.
Do as I say, not as I do, or you'll
never see daylight again. You got it?
- Got it.
- Got it.
- But why did you act like that?
- I don't know.
Back then I was confused.
Maybe unhappy.
You know, when your father
and I broke up for that year...
And if you ever tell him
this, so help me God...
I was crushed.
And I was not gonna let any
man think he had the upper hand.
So you showed
your breasts in public!
Basically.
I wasn't being
honest with myself.
I'd changed. I wasn't
that party girl anymore.
And it was right about that time
that I realized I missed your father.
- That I was in love with him.
- Barf.
In fact, it came to me that
night I went out with the cop.
You went out with
Officer Biceps?
And you're our mother!
Just think, if you'd married
him, I'd be even hotter!
Yeah, that's how genetics works.
Oh, hey, everyone.
- You have the talk
with the girls?
- Yeah.
- I think I got through to them.
- Good.
Girls, your father
and I need a moment.
Don't mind us.
We're gonna talk about
mushy marriage stuff.
- I may kiss him.
- OK. Goodbye.
Paul, honey, I'm really sorry that
this vacation wasn't all you hoped for.
You know, I went for a
walk and it came to me.
This was the best vacation ever.
I'm in Florida with my
whole family and best of all,
I get the girl in the end.
You went to a bar.
One. I had one.
I love you, Cate.
I love you, Byron.
- Did you just say that?
- You know me, I'm a wild girl!
Andy Rooney,
you are right again.
[channel changes]
- I was here first.
- Tough luck, gramps.
[woman] We're back at Beach
Balls where the party rages on.
As you can see, Spring Break
isn't just for college kids anymore.
- Mom?
- Dad?
[groaning]
Do you suppose you could
slam the door a little louder?
Wow. Somebody's stressed out.
Oh, paying the bills.
Your time of the month.
I don't think we can
take our family vacation.
Our college funds
aren't growing.
We make a good living. Money
shouldn't be such an issue.
It's an issue for anyone who
wants to send their kids to college.
Even party schools are
30 grand a year these days.
At this rate, Bridget's gonna
have to go to a junior party school.
Oh, great, you're here.
Kids, Cate, I've got
some disappointing news.
We're gonna have to
do some belt tightening,
and I don't think we can go to
the cabin at the lake this year.
I said I don't think we can go
to the cabin at the lake this year.
- No, Dad.
- It's terrible.
Nuts.
You have to work on
your fake disappointment.
Mom, Dad, Bridget and I have an idea
on how we can save money around here.
How? By talking
less on the phone?
Close. Going to
Florida for Spring Break!
How is that close?
If we're in Florida, we can't
be here talking on the phone.
Plus, it won't
cost you anything.
We can get tickets
using frequent flyer miles.
Miles I earned by
talking on the phone.
And charging clothes
to my credit card.
And Mom's.
You know, girls, even if
money wasn't an issue,
Do you really think we would let
you go to Florida unsupervised?
But I visualized it!
You're not going.
End of discussion!
Easy. You don't have to
get all Great Santini on us.
Yeah. Great Santini.
Hey, who's Great Santini?
Man, no lake this year.
This was one of our last
shots at a family vacation.
In a couple years the
girls will be at college.
No, they won't. We
don't have any money.
[groans] Oh, God.
But you know, they just
gave me a good idea.
We could all go to Florida and stay for
free at my parents' house in Sarasota.
Vacation with your parents?
That's not how I visualized it!
But, honey, you need a break.
I know. I'd love us
all to be together.
- I don't know.
- My parents won't be there.
They're going on a cruise.
Kids, good news.
We're going to Florida!
Well, here we are,
God's waiting room.
It smells like 1945 in here.
Everyone in this place looks
like they host 60 Minutes.
I'm gonna do a recon. Sometimes
Grandpa drops money he can't pick up.
Look at all these photos.
There's a great one
of you and the kids.
Ted and your sister.
Ted and your sister.
Ooh! Your sister and Ted.
In front of Ted's bank.
It's a shrine to Ted.
Not one picture of me.
Well, look. Here's
one of all of us.
Honey, that's just my right eye.
Mom couldn't fit everyone in.
It was my birthday. I was
blowing out the candles.
It's all right. No hard feelings.
I'm here to have a good time.
Ooh, nice picture of
Ted, though. With our kids.
There's a chair in the
shower. What's that all about?
Kerry, let's go see the pool.
I'll go with you. I'm gonna
check out the babes.
My God, which ones are the men?
Cate, when was this photo taken?
Oh. College. Sophomore year.
Oh, right. We don't talk
about sophomore year.
When you broke up with
me to see other people.
- I changed my mind, didn't I?
- A little too late.
Called me up, put the phone to the
stereo so I could hear Baby Come Back.
- I was in pain.
- Good. A taste of
your own medicine.
Look, you want to talk...
This is why we don't talk
about sophomore year.
I know. It's ridiculous.
We're on vacation.
We're gonna have a good
time. The kids are gone.
Your parents aren't here. What
do you say we relive junior year?
Oh, yeah, Maneater.
- Look out, here I come.
- [phone rings]
Hang on.
Hello.
Uh, no, they're on a cruise.
Yeah, this is their son-in-law.
No, not the banker.
The other son-in-law.
Yes, they do.
Yes, they do!
Yes, they do!
Hey, Magnum.
Where's T.C.?
[false laughter]
I'm just gonna sit on the
veranda and read a book.
What have they got
here? Life Begins at 50.
Life Begins at 60.
Life Begins at 70
and... Cryogenics.
- Kerry and I are
going to the beach.
- OK.
But I expect you girls to carry
yourselves like Hennessy women.
If I find out that you were
anywhere near a party,
I'm gonna make you take long walks
with your father while he wears that shirt.
And I have matching shorts.
Eew. Kerry, come on. We're
missing the peak tanning hours.
I'm ready.
For what, beekeeping?
Do not tease your
sister. She has fair skin.
All right, go on.
Have fun, Bridget.
And you too, Casper.
- I'm off to
the beach with Jake.
- Who's Jake?
- A friend I made at the pool.
- Wait a second, Rory.
- We don't know this Jake.
- We should meet
his parents first.
OK.
Jake, my folks would
like to meet your parents.
Got a Ouija board?
That's Jake. You're Jake?
Yes, sir, Jake Fisher,
apartment 14-H.
You've got a nice
polite boy here.
So, can I go? Jake's gonna
teach me about the ocean.
He was in the Pacific
during World War II.
Iwo Jima. Ring any bells?
Oh, well, I guess it's OK.
How can we say no to a member
of the Greatest Generation?
You're very kind. And I must say,
it's a pleasure to finally meet you.
I've heard so much about Paul,
the hugely successful son-in-law.
- See?
- You've read my column?
Column? I thought
you were a banker.
Can you believe that, all
those college kids drinking
and blocking traffic?
Paul, were you driving with
your arm out the window?
Yeah, why? Ow!
Oh, my God. It was
only for ten minutes.
Hey, Mom, Dad.
Did you dip your arm in paint?
- How was hanging out with Jake?
- Great.
Being old is cool. You get to
yell at people, park anywhere,
take your teeth out.
I can't wait.
I'm two different colors. I look
like one of Garth Brooks' shirts.
I'm Cameron Hughes
in downtown Sarasota,
where I'm surrounded by the
annual horde of spring breakers.
Cate, take a look at this.
It's pandemonium here.
This was the scene an hour ago,
when we first arrived at Beach Balls,
a popular local bar.
The styles may have changed,
but the behavior has not.
- How do local residents feel?
- Do you see that girl?
Oh, yeah. Talk
about "news flash."
Rory!
She can't even be out of high
school. She's about the same age as...
As a matter of
fact, she looks like...
- a lot like...
- [both] Bridget!
[groans]
[Bridget] You don't
think that's me, do you?
- Of course not.
- No.
- That is you!
- Definitely.
- That is not me.
- Yeah.
That girl has a tattoo. Bridget
doesn't have a tattoo that you know of.
Yeah. All right.
Yeah, you're right.
- Sorry.
- Sorry isn't good enough.
I'm hurt. How could you think that we
would blatantly disobey your orders?
What do we have to
do to earn your trust?
Start by blocking the TV.
[Hughes] For one month
our peaceful beach community
is taken over by
unruly college students
who party literally
around the clock.
- Bridget!
- It's a funny story, actually.
We were on the beach,
minding our own business
when this guy came over and
asked us to change a light bulb.
So we went over to his bar
and I got up on his shoulders,
- then this news crew
came in and...
- Please stop.
So much for my family vacation.
I don't even know
who my daughters are.
[Hughes] As you can
see by this archive footage,
college students have been
going wild in Sarasota for decades.
Girls, you can just kiss
Spring Break goodbye.
You are grounded. I have
never been more disappointed.
Look at that girl. Awesome.
That's not awesome, that's...
- [both] Mom?
- [groans]
That's what you meant by carrying
yourself like a Hennessy woman?
You were going to
town on that beer, Mom.
That was a long time ago.
And that makes it OK?
You are such a hypocrite.
Plus you say one thing
and do something else.
Oh, my God, you're a...
- I know you're upset.
- A Bridget!
- Beekeeper!
- Cate!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Look, it was a long time
ago. I was in college.
I mean, you were
really chugging it.
Kids, that's enough. I want
you all to clean up for dinner.
- You can show
your mother some respect.
- Thank you, Paul.
More respect than
she shows herself.
- Oh, don't you start with me.
- Hang on a second.
College? We were dating
when you were in college.
- Yeah, well, not during...
- Sophomore year.
I thought you stayed in
and cried the entire time.
Oh, come on. Who
really does that?
I did.
Well, you grieved your
way and I grieved mine.
All these years your family led
me to believe that I destroyed you
and you were holed
up suffering for a month.
I was. They
didn't film that part.
Paul, what am I
gonna tell the girls?
Paul?
So while I was in my room
listening to The Best of Bread,
staring at that photo of
us at the medieval fair,
you were out doing
God knows what.
I think we have
bigger fish to fry.
You're right. I'm sorry.
I should be counting my blessings
that you didn't meet someone.
Oh, my God.
- Did you love him?
- It was one date.
My mom fixed me up.
He was a total nerd.
Nothing happened.
- I mean, his name was Byron.
- Byron?
So, did you love him?
Can we focus on
what's important here?
I have become an excuse
for the girls to behave badly.
How am I supposed to discipline
them without sounding hypocritical?
So, where did Byron take you?
Girls, good. I wanted to talk to
you about what happened yesterday.
Can it wait? We're going
swimming with our tops on.
Well, maybe.
Girls. Girls!
Paul, did you see the
way they just treated me?
Wow. It's almost as if you
exposed your breasts on TV
and then tried to
preach morality.
That milk was here
before we arrived.
I know. I like it chunky.
[knocking]
- Sir, does he belong to you?
- Rory. Officer, what happened?
We had a report of water balloons being
thrown at young women wearing t-shirts.
Rory Joseph Hennessy!
Actually, he was filling
them up for this guy.
- You?
- I was having flashbacks.
You'd think a World War II veteran
would conduct himself with more dignity.
Jake, not the World
War II story again?
Why won't you ever believe me?
I was on the beaches at
Normandy, me and Tom Hanks.
Why, just thinking
about it, I...
I better sit down.
Where's your shower?
I think you better leave.
If it wasn't for me, you'd
have said that in German.
Go to your room. Jake's
been a bad influence on you.
Dagnabbit!
Jake's harmless. I've
known him for years.
- Are you OK, sir?
- It's just that I'm
in the middle
of the worst vacation ever.
I came down here because I wanted
one last hurrah as head of a happy family.
And what did I get?
Kicked in the teeth, pal.
- Kicked in the teeth.
- I meant your arm.
Paul, did you see
where I put my hat?
Cate, is that you?
Byron?
- Yeah.
- Byron?
I hate Florida.
- It is you.
- [chuckles nervously]
Wow. Byron, you
really look different.
Really? Maybe I lost
a little muscle mass,
but you can't be a
bodybuilder forever.
Don't I know that.
I've got a shoulder injury.
How much did you bench?
[woman] Seven-Adam-12, we
have a 9-2-2 in progress on Ocean.
Please respond.
Copy that.
We have an elderly woman
driving with her blinker on.
I'm gonna have to go.
Cate, it was really
good seeing you again.
- The nerd?
- He used to wear glasses.
Did you check out
that policeman?
[Bridget] Attention, all cars,
there's a hottie in progress.
Hallelujah.
All right. Hands
where I can see them.
[all] Byron!
Sandy, how about a beer?
- Oh, hi.
- Oh, hey!
- Byron.
- Yeah. Yeah.
How funny that I went
on a date with your wife?
Hilarious.
Ooh, I guess that sort of adds
to the bad day you were having.
A little. It's not you.
It's just, you live with
somebody 20 years.
Do you really know them?
I don't know, maybe Cate wishes she
married someone more fun, successful,
- better-looking...
- Thanks.
- I meant in general.
- Come on, what's wrong
with you?
- We went on one date.
- How did it go?
- There was
definitely chemistry.
- Chemistry.
She wore this miniskirt.
Whoo!
And after "Whoo"?
Well, we had a nice
dinner and some drinks.
Then that song, Baby Come
Back, starts playing on the jukebox,
and she starts crying.
She starts talking about this
boyfriend she has in Michigan.
How cute he was, how
much she missed him and uhh!
Cute? Not handsome or
rugged? But I interrupted.
- You go ahead.
- That's it. End of story.
- Took her home,
called it a night.
- Never saw her again?
- I saw her
a couple nights later.
- Terrific. Second date.
No. I had to arrest
her in a bar for flashing.
- So, it was
strictly professional.
- Oh, yeah.
I can't say that I'm sorry
your date turned out bad.
[Jake] I'll tell you
about a bad date.
December 7, 1941.
Me and Ben Affleck,
fighting side by side.
As luck would have
it, over the same girls.
What are you watching?
Murder, She Wrote.
Jake would have
wanted it that way.
Look, Rory, I know you
enjoy hanging out with Jake.
But your father and I just
want you to spend some time
with someone a
little more mature.
Come on, cheer up.
- Have some hard candy.
- Hard candy!
Girls, come in here.
What are you doing here?
I thought you'd be at Señor Swanky's
for two-for-one tequila slammers.
All right. Sit.
It's time we had a little talk.
OK, look. It's true.
When I was a young woman
there were a few moments
where my behavior could have
been described as "spirited."
"Spirited?" You
flashed a news camera.
Fine. I was a little wild.
You're our mother.
But my behavior, no
matter how immature,
does not give you a free
pass to behave badly.
Yes, it does.
Look, you guys, I did some
stupid things that I regret.
Maybe you could just
learn from my regrets.
Or we could do them and
learn from our own regrets.
Does it really look like I'm
having a good time on that video?
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
OK.
I'm gonna start over.
Do as I say, not as I do, or you'll
never see daylight again. You got it?
- Got it.
- Got it.
- But why did you act like that?
- I don't know.
Back then I was confused.
Maybe unhappy.
You know, when your father
and I broke up for that year...
And if you ever tell him
this, so help me God...
I was crushed.
And I was not gonna let any
man think he had the upper hand.
So you showed
your breasts in public!
Basically.
I wasn't being
honest with myself.
I'd changed. I wasn't
that party girl anymore.
And it was right about that time
that I realized I missed your father.
- That I was in love with him.
- Barf.
In fact, it came to me that
night I went out with the cop.
You went out with
Officer Biceps?
And you're our mother!
Just think, if you'd married
him, I'd be even hotter!
Yeah, that's how genetics works.
Oh, hey, everyone.
- You have the talk
with the girls?
- Yeah.
- I think I got through to them.
- Good.
Girls, your father
and I need a moment.
Don't mind us.
We're gonna talk about
mushy marriage stuff.
- I may kiss him.
- OK. Goodbye.
Paul, honey, I'm really sorry that
this vacation wasn't all you hoped for.
You know, I went for a
walk and it came to me.
This was the best vacation ever.
I'm in Florida with my
whole family and best of all,
I get the girl in the end.
You went to a bar.
One. I had one.
I love you, Cate.
I love you, Byron.
- Did you just say that?
- You know me, I'm a wild girl!
Andy Rooney,
you are right again.
[channel changes]
- I was here first.
- Tough luck, gramps.
[woman] We're back at Beach
Balls where the party rages on.
As you can see, Spring Break
isn't just for college kids anymore.
- Mom?
- Dad?
[groaning]