8 Simple Rules (2002–2005): Season 1, Episode 21 - Kerry's Video - full transcript

[shrieks] Bridget! God,
I am going to kill you!

- Mom.
- Talk to your father.

- Daddy, help me.
- Bride of Chucky's
after Barbie.

My life is over and no one
cares, because why should they?

I'm just the middle
child, eternally ignored.

And... save.

- What's wrong, Kerry?
- [sighs]

I have this video
journal to do for school

and Bridget taped over
my project. It's ruined.

- Bridget?
- OK.

I'm going to a party with Kyle
and bought pleather pants.



I wasn't sure if they
looked real, mirrors lie,

so I taped myself dancing from
behind to see what I look like

before asking for permission,
which is very thoughtful.

Cate?

Oh, come on, Paul.
I made breakfast.

And the kids.

Dad, I worked really hard
on this project, and now look.

♪ I look hot in my
hot new pants ♪

♪ In my hot new pants I'm dancing
around, looking really good ♪

♪ You want me I look hot ♪

♪ In my pants Look at me go ♪

♪ I'm dancin' ♪

Oh, God, I'm so at that party.

I shouldn't have seen
that. I'm the father.



- Dad!
- OK, sweetie,
I don't know what to do.

Can't you just, you know,
tape whatever it was again?

Sure. I'll ask God if he can
make that meteor shower again.

It's only visible
every 60 years,

but maybe he'll make an exception,
you know, for Bridget's butt.

So, we're good?

- [grunts]
- In the cabinet under my sink.

No, not that! Don't
you understand?

My project is due in
less than one week

and all I've got so
far is Bridget's butt.

Why don't you do your video on
Bridget? You've already got the end.

[laughing]

That's why you're the dad.

- My main man, Rory.
- Can I get a monkey?

I am not having the
monkey conversation again.

- But Dad...
- They do not pay
for themselves.

Paul, I disagree.

OK, but you'll have
to take care of it.

No, no, about Bridget
being in Kerry's video.

But that... I was just joking.
Yeah, right, "the end." Come on.

Hilarious.

I thought I told you
to shovel the walk.

A couple guys
are doing it for me.

- Can I have cocoa?
- They're doing it for cocoa?

Oh, yeah, I should
get them some, too.

My God, a glimpse
into Bridget world!

She would be the perfect
subject for my video.

Thank you, Daddy.
Your idea is inspired.

- You're welcome.
- I thought you were joking.

I was serious. Cate, you
don't get me at all, do you?

- I don't want to do that.
- Since you ruined
your sister's video,

you're gonna make
up by helping her.

Paul, a minute for rebuttal?

Cate, come here.

Come here.

Yeah, this is much better.
They'll never hear us over here.

Did you hear what
Kerry said? I inspired her.

I inspired the uninspirable.

Honey, you teamed up Road
Runner and Wile E. Coyote.

Yes, they're sisters and they love
each other, but in small increments.

Perhaps my little
pebble of inspiration

can cause a ripple
effect into the pond...

Oh, for the love of God.
Be my guest. Go on.

Kids, after a long discussion,

your mother and I have
reached an agreement.

- I live with Dad.
- I live with Mom.

I'll have my own apartment.
You can visit, but call first.

As Bridget's punishment,

she will be in Kerry's video.

- Fine. Whatever.
- Make her the center
of attention.

That'll teach her.

It's great. I'm gonna do my
video on what life is like for Bridget.

How the beautiful people
have it so much easier.

It's time someone
exposed the hypocrisy.

Right. Persecute the beautiful. What
is this, the Crusades all over again?

That's not what the
Crusades were about.

- Oh. What am I thinking of?
- Cocoa.

Oh, yeah, cocoa.

I got you, I got you.
You're cornered. Ha!

- Two hundred more points.
- Oh, Paul, it's just a game.

Don't worry, Mom.
I'm 5,000 points ahead.

Ten thousand.

Twenty thousand.

Dad, we need to use the TV.

Game over. We'll call it a tie.

God, this project is so
great. I'm so gonna get an A.

- I love you, Daddy.
- "I love you, Daddy." Did you hear that?

Apparently, the
pebble has landed.

Sit back while ripples ensue.

So, let's see this masterpiece.

It's nowhere near finished.

- Promise you'll
tell me if it sucks.
- Or if I look bad.

[snickers] Never
mind. Just watch.

[Kerry] In this
looks-conscious society,

there's only one minority
that suffers no discrimination:

- The beautiful.
- [alarm clock beeps]

Although only two
percent of the population,

they occupy 50
percent of my bedroom.

[chuckles]

Sounds like we have
another writer in the family.

Yippee.

[Kerry] Her 58 minute
shower finished,

leaving only 30 seconds of
hot water for the rest of us,

Bridget begins the
search for today's outfit.

Hate it.

Hate it.

Mom gave it to me.

Sad blouse.

Hate it.

- Hate it.
- A 58 minute shower?

Bridget, do you have any
idea what our water bill is?

You have to pay for water? I thought
you get it free when you buy the house.

[Kerry] Makeup comprises the
longest portion of Bridget's preparation.

Look at all that stuff.

Bridget, do you
even have a face?

[Kerry] Bridget works
hard for her good grades.

Hi, Bridget. Here's that
biology homework you wanted.

Oh, Henry, you're such a
doll. Everyone, isn't he a doll?

OK, OK, five.

Every time he does my homework, I give
him one more digit to my phone number.

[Kerry] Bridget's biology
class is studying cell variations.

Even Bridget seems interested.

Bridget also uses her wit and charm
when dealing with our city's finest.

Officer, I know I missed that red light,
but I've got these new blue contacts.

I'm a total Kabuki face in the
winter. In summer my skin is tawny

and not like that fake
tan stuff Amanda uses.

One of my blue contacts slipped
before I got to the intersection,

so even though it was a red light
for everybody else, for me it was not.

Drive safely, miss.

[chuckles]

Kerry, how come in every scene

you show me using my looks
to get people to do stuff for me?

Daddy, make her stop!

Well, you know, Bridge...

Anybody who sees this
is gonna think I'm shallow.

Anybody who sees this is
going to think I'm shallow!

Oh, my God. You
all think I'm shallow.

Well, we're not looking at
our shoes for scuff marks.

Rory!

I'm sorry. I should go upstairs
and take a long, hard look at myself.

In the mirror.

And see what my butt
looks like when I'm dancing!

- Oh, God, I feel terrible.
- Ooh!

A range of emotion I
haven't captured, Bridget.

- Do it again.
- Oh, God, I feel terrible.

Thank you, Daddy.

Bridgie, oh, honey.

Paul, you tossed a
bad idea into the pond.

No, Cate, wait a second.

Kerry held up a mirror,

which reflects,
much like a pond.

And if Bridget learned
from something she saw,

she should seize this
moment and change.

I don't want to be shallow.
Really, I want to be deep.

As deep as those tubs
of ice cream at the parlor,

when they're scraping it off the
bottom, their armpits pressed on the side,

and you're going, "My God,
are you gonna give me that?"

Honey, you know... Listen.

If you want to be that deep,

just remember those tubs of ice
cream don't empty themselves.

Somebody has to be working that scooper,
taking them out one scoop at a time.

Except in the case of banana
splits. Then it's three scoops at a time.

- And usually...
- Paul, your daughter is crying.

Bridget, you have
plenty of depth.

It's just that somewhere
along the line,

your interests kind of narrowed.

You used to be so
involved in the drama club,

and chorus and sports.

Remember, I begged you
not to quit the tennis team?

- Now I wish I hadn't.
- It's not too late
to take it up again.

In fact, tomorrow, why don't we go
to the courts and hit the ball around?

- Shake the cobwebs.
- I don't know.

Let me inspire you.

Some people scoop the ice cream.

And some people just watch
the ice cream being scooped.

OK, I'll try.

Off of that?

- Hey, Rory, how was tennis?
- Boring.

Daddy broke my nose!

Oh, my God!

Oh, yeah.

Daddy broke my nose.
Daddy broke my nose!

I'm sorry, sweetie, I'm sorry.

The doctor said it's
not even really broken.

It's just more of
a hairline fracture.

They set her nose in the
hall. I got the whole thing.

The light was streaming through
the bars. It was so awesome.

It's never gonna
heal. I'm a monster.

You are not a monster.

Hello, Clarice.

Oh, my poor baby.
What did you do?

He broke my nose!

Well, how exactly
did this happen?

Let's go to the video.

In an attempt to be more
of a well-rounded person,

Bridget exhibits
her athletic skills.

Looks like we're gonna
have to wait for a court.

No, no, it's not a problem.

Hey, guys. Hi.

Hey, come here.

How long have you
been waiting for this court?

A couple hours.

Can I have it?

- Yeah.
- OK.

See? Everything was perfect.

The lighting, the
composition, the angle.

And I was looking so Kournikova.

Can you fast-forward to the part
where you disfigured my baby?

- Disfigured?
- Honey, I don't know
what happened.

We were just having a friendly
game, lobbing the ball back and forth.

Here it is.

That's right. Come here.

Uh-huh.

[grunts]

- Got it!
- [shrieks]

[groaning]

Wait a minute.
OK, Kurosawa said,

"The true artist must
never look away."

- [thud]
- [shriek]

Whoa!

Mom, my life is over.

No one will ever love me.
I'm gonna die alone like Kerry.

What?

- [thud]
- [shriek]

Whoa!

I am not an animal.

Shut up.

- Rory, are you about done?
- Just about.

I am a human being.

- Peace! Peace!
- All right, all right.

- Rory, go get ready for school.
- See? She is an animal.

How are you doing, Beach?
Do you want some French toast?

- No.
- Waffles?

- No.
- A car?

OK.

Morning, Mom. Morning, Dad.

- Morning, Marcia.
- Stop filming me.

- Put the camera down.
- Marcia, Marcia, Marcia.

- Kerry!
- I can't.

This second act twist will
make my project so much better.

"Beauty... Then the Beast."

You can film somebody else.
I'm not going to school till I'm better

and don't look like someone
who sits at your lunch table.

Bridget's mask may hide
her face, but not her pain.

Poor Beach. She seems so...

- Sad?
- Yeah. So...

We can let her stay home a
couple days. What's the harm?

Paul... And I say this
from a loving place...

I hate the loving place. I'm
always wrong in the loving place.

What message do you think you're
sending Bridget if you let her stay home?

Her father loves her
more than her mother.

You're sending the message

that all Bridget has to
offer the world are her looks.

- Is that the effect you wanted?
- That's ridiculous.

Bridget has a lot of
wonderful qualities.

It might be nice
if she heard that.

Hey, girls. Bridget?

I need to talk to
you for a second.

OK, but I'll warn you,
it's kind of muffled.

Oh, my God.

I'm not going to school, Dad.

Honey, you know deep down nobody
is gonna care what you look like.

What high school did you
go to? You saw Kerry's video.

I'm shallow and get by on
my looks. I can't go to school.

A broken nose is not a good
reason to miss school, to avoid life.

Bridget, you know,
beauty is only skin deep.

So what if some of the
kids make fun of you?

But I'm not used
to it, like Kerry.

- I have footage of you
in that mask.
- I don't care.

- On the toilet.
- Oh, my...!

Kerry!

- Privacy, please.
- That's what she said.

You know something? You
seem to be enjoying this too much.

- So?
- So, have a little compassion.

Look for Bridget's
good qualities.

- My video's due in a week.
- Kerry!

- Compassion.
- OK.

- Bridge, get ready
for school now.
- Do I have to?

Sweetheart, nobody said this is
gonna be easy, but you can do this.

Of all my kids,

you've always been the bravest,
ever since you were babies.

- I was?
- Oh, yeah. We'd take
you guys to the park,

and Kerry would
play in the sandbox,

but you would want
to climb the jungle gym.

I would watch you,
scared to death,

and you'd scramble
past kids twice your age

till you were standing alone
at the top. "Look at me!"

Then I'd tell the boys to stop singing
that song about London and France.

I'm gonna need
a really short skirt.

Atta girl.

How short?

- I can't. I can't. Go.
- Do it. Bridget,
you have to face them.

You want to see them
laugh to get it on tape.

I thought I did, OK?

Maybe a part of me always will.

But right now I just want to be here
for my sister. You can do this, Bridgie.

- Promise?
- Promise. Come here.

OK.

And action!

Hey, Dad, are you ready
for some extreme tennis?

- That's not funny, Rory.
- It's a little funny.

No, it's not.

She's home. Oh, please, God.

Oh, my God, Daddy. I had the
best day ever. You were so right.

Really? See, what did
I tell you? I'm so happy!

[Kerry growls]

It's in the cabinet
under your mother's sink.

Thanks, Dad. Thanks a lot. The
whole premise to my film is ruined.

Look what you've
done. Come here. Watch.

- Bridget?
- What happened to you?

Some stupid tennis accident.

I know, I know.
"Hello, Clarice."

They come in the
worst colors. Hi!

I missed you, I missed you,
but you missed me more.

Everyone was so nice to me, and
all the guys wanted to sign my face.

Brandon bought me a cupcake, but I
didn't want to get frosting on my mask,

so he exchanged
it for some pudding.

Here you go, Bridget.

Oh, thanks, Brandon.
You're so sweet.

I'm gonna like you
forever as just a friend.

Cool shirt. Can I have it?

- Homework.
- Thanks, Henry.

Three.

Hi, guys. Come on, let's go.

[Kerry] For we mere mortals,
tomorrow is just another day,

but for the Bridget
Hennessys of the world,

tomorrow always
brings more free pudding.

[applauding]

- That was such a good movie.
- You know, it really was.

- Thanks to...
- Kerry.

- And who's her father?
- Why? What have you heard?

Let's just go find her. Come on.

Oh.

- Wow, Care Bear. Great job.
- Honey, it was terrific.

Oh, Daddy, if it weren't for you I
never would have learned that...

- Yeah?
- that beauty
isn't only skin deep.

Somehow I'm hot no matter
what. I'm brave and hot.

Kerry, that should be the
name of your video, Brave Hot.

Thank you, thank you,
thank you and thank you.

- You know what I learned?
- How to zoom? Some of those shots...

No matter what she does, Bridget will
always be treated better than anybody,

and people like me
will always be ignored.

So that's what it meant.
'Cause I gotta tell you, I got lost.

You know why Bridget's
treated that way?

Because she's fearless and
she puts herself out there.

Oh, yeah? I put myself out
there with this Bridget video.

- I didn't get anything.
- What are you talking about?

- You made a movie.
- A great movie, sweetie.

It was personal, and
you created something

that was heartfelt and
moved the audience.

You took my great
idea and you ran with it.

No, Dad. What I did was
make her an even bigger star.

- Yeah, that's Bridget's sister.
- See?

Hey. Cool video.

If you want to talk to the star
she's over there, center of attention.

No, I wanted to talk to you.

I really like some
of those zoom shots.

Well, honey, I just wanted to
show you the thing of this spot

over there by the wall.

- The what?
- Yeah. Come on.

So, who are your
favorite directors?

Well, there's Spike Jonze...

Do you have the time? Do you
want to go someplace and talk?

- What do you know?
- Yeah.

Two happy girls
at the same time.

- What are the odds?
- Isn't it great?

Look at Bridget over
there, talking to that guy.

Laughing with that guy!

Leaving with that guy. Who's
that guy? Hey! Get back here!

Bridget? Bridget?

♪ Here in my hot new pants
Don't you want me? You want me ♪

- ♪ In my hot new pants ♪
- Rory!

What?

Just get out of your
sisters' bedroom.

What's the matter with you?

♪ These are my hot new pants ♪

♪ You know you
like it You like it hot ♪

♪ You like it new ♪

♪ You like my hot new... ♪

[Cate] Paul!

Yeah, just picking
up the camera, honey.

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