8 Simple Rules (2002–2005): Season 1, Episode 13 - Rory's Got a Girlfriend - full transcript

Kerry, look. Six of the Seven
Tips to the Perfect Kiss I already do.

The seventh I don't need
because my lips are naturally moist.

Yeah, like you can learn how
to kiss by reading a magazine.

It beats getting mirror-burn.

Shut up.

Thanks for letting me stay here
till my Mom could pick me up.

- Sure.
- Bye, Rory.

Yeah. Bye, punk.

All right, Sabrina.
Thanks for showing me

that spin move. See you soon.

- Say hi to your mom.
- Bye.


Oh, boy.

He's pinching his nose.

- He's mad at somebody.
- Hope it's you.

Rory Joseph Hennessy.

- The whole name!
- Oh, he's gonna get it!

What? What did I do?

What didn't you do? You
were insulting Sabrina

the entire car ride home.

And you just called
her "punk." Why?

She doesn't like "butt-face."

You're making my point.

I was gonna say something,

but I didn't wanna embarrass you

- in front of your friend.
- Favorite child.

Yeah, when does that matter?

Tomorrow, you're gonna
apologize to Sabrina.

And just so you know,
punching somebody in the arm

every time you see
a VW bug is not OK.

And it still hurts.

What? What?!

[both teasing]
Rory's got a girlfriend.

Rory's got a girlfriend.

- [girls continue chanting]
- [grunts]

Hey, girls. Get over
here. You got mail.

Paper mail.

I can show you how to open it.

Looks like the results for
your state aptitude tests.

They don't prove anything.
What is aptitude, anyway?

A talent, skill, or
ability for learning.

Got that question wrong.

I'm with Bridget on this one.

I don't place much stock
in standardized tests.

That's 'cause you
didn't do well...

I had pink eye.

OK, whatever, I
don't really care.

- [gasps] An 88. I got an 88!
- You did?!

I read to her as a child.

Just so you guys know,
I really did my best, OK?

We know that. You
can always take it again.

- [gasps] I got a 92!
- I'll pay
for tutors, classes...

You said you got a 92?!

I did better than Kerry!

No, wait, let me
see that, no. No.

[whining] No!

Don't worry. It's
just a little higher

than your cute score.

- Wait, wait, wait! Calm.
- Bridget, this is outstanding.

I can't remember the last time
you made the refrigerator door.

[mock laughing] I can.

It was in the second grade.
She drew a six-legged dog.

No, this is bigger
than the refrigerator.

I gotta frame this.


I should start wearing
glasses and put my hair up

because now I'm smart and hot.

Wake up. Wake up.


- Guys?
- Wow, it knocked.

- I have a question.
- We don't care.

Let's just say a
guy likes a girl.

A girl named Sabrina?

No! This is for
a friend of mine.

- Let's just call him...
- Dork?

OK... And he...

- He lives down
the hall from us?
- [Rory] Know what?

You know, what? Forget it!

Come back. We'll help you.

Sit down. Oh, and shut the dork.

I'm just joking. Last one.

OK, so you like Sabrina
and you wanna ask her out.

Yeah, and I can't
talk to Dad about it

because as soon as he finds out
I like a girl, he's gonna go, "Aw!"

- Aw.
- Aw.

Well, how do you know
Sabrina even likes you?

Patrick stole this
note from Megan

who got it from Lacey,
passing it to Katy.

It said Sabrina called me a "hottie with
a body", which is good, so it's a lock.

Oh, my God. You've
turned into Bridget.

- Whatever.
- Whatever.

OK, so what's the problem?

Well... a bunch of people are
going to the movies this weekend,

and I was thinking
about asking Sabrina.

[both laugh]

- What? You don't
think she likes me?
- Well... no.

OK, let's just say, by some
freak chance, she's not using you

to make a cooler guy jealous
or win a bet by dating uber-dork.

Um, Dad's never
gonna let you go.

But it's with a group.

Dad didn't let me group
date when I was your age.

Oh, but in fairness, you
had to be part of a group.

- I had friends.
- They were
one-foot-tall and stuffed.

- Shut up!
- And you kissed them.

Shut up! [scoffs]

Just do what I do, all
right? Just sneak out.

Don't do that. You'll get caught
and you'll be in worse trouble.

Come on. Who ya gonna
listen to? Her or the smart one?

Oh, please. You were
bound to do well eventually.

If you give a thousand
monkeys a thousand tests...

That would be one
test per monkey.

A 92... I...

- [sighs]
- Yes?

- Dad... I have a question.
- No monkey.

No. It's just that
there's... this girl.

- Aw!
- Forget it.

No, no, no, wait, wait... wait!
I'm sorry. Sit down. Sit down.

Rory, I promise I
won't do that again.

So who's the lucky girl?

Actually, it's Sabrina Jenkins.

- Aw!
- Dad.

Sorry! That's awesome.

Kerry! Check it out.
Rory's about to ask Dad

if he can go out with Sabrina.

This is gonna be a train
wreck. Move, I can't see.

Anyway, a bunch of people
are going to the movies Saturday.

And I was wondering
if I could go with them.

Half-truth. Interesting move.

- And take Sabrina.
- Honesty? Such
a rookie mistake.

Now it'll be a "no" and a
three-hour lecture of why it's a "no."

- Show's over.
- Yeah.

Sure you can go.
Sounds like fun.

Really? Sweet!

- What?
- What? Dad!

My God, you are
such a hypocrite.

You're favoring Rory!

- It's not fair!
- Kerry stole my shirt!

I thought I'd slip that in.

OK, Rory gets to date. Bridget's
smarter. Wake up! Wake up!

OK, everybody be quiet!
Kerry, pull yourself together.

Paul, what's going on here?

Well... Rory got
himself a little girlfriend.


- Mom, Dad's letting Rory date.
- Oh, yeah.

Which is totally unfair.

The sisters are wiggin'.

Well, it isn't exactly a
date. It's a group thing.

Just a group thang.

OK, Rory! Beat it.

- Rory is skidattlin'.
- Go!

OK, calling it a "group thing"
instead of a date is just...

- Just...
- Semantics?

- I was gonna...
- Say that?

Know what? It is
go time, genius!

Bring it over here. Let's go.

- You couldn't...
- Girls! Girls!

I thought you were
on the same side here.

Sorry. This ain't over.


Look, you gotta
talk to Dad for us.

Yeah, he's letting Rory get away

with murder
because he's the boy.

Meanwhile, the women
are stuck in the kitchen.

Yeah, but only one of us
is actually doing anything.

You know we're
right. Talk to him.

Well, girls, I'd love to
help you out on this one.

But your dad and I
have an agreement.

We do not undercut each other.

- OK, but what about sisterhood?
- Well, I'm all for it,

but this sister needs a new car.

So I'm picking my
battles. Good luck!

Mom, come on!

Wait! Get ready. Here he comes.

Hello, girls. How's it going?

OK, first of all, we are
not girls. We are women.

It's been a long day. Could
you be women after dinner?

No. You're bending the rules
for Rory. We're not gonna take it.

- It's a double standard.
- Want me to tell
him he can't go?

We don't care if he goes.
We want more freedom.

And pro-rated. For all the
times we didn't get to do stuff.

- Yeah, so we
want later curfews.
- And dates on weeknights.

- And a tattoo that says "Kyle."
- Bridget!

Sorry. I thought
I'd slip that in.

I see. So you both think I
treat Rory better than you?

- Yes.
- Yeah.

I see. I don't
agree, but fair's fair.

So how about this...?

Your curfew's always
been 11:00, right?

No, it's actually been 11:30.

- Really?!
- Yeah. For like about a year.

Oh! Well, then never mind.

Hey, Dad. Check it out.

I got the new Insane Clown
Posse CD for the ride to the movies.

You know, set the mood.

[chuckles] The name
alone screams "romance."

[doorbell rings]

Little Hennessy,
what do you say?

You gonna invite me in?

I can't. My mom hates you

and doesn't want
you in our house.

That so? Well, guess what,
her car's not here... move it.

- Tommy? What brings you here?
- My wife call?

No. Why would your wife...?

- She...
- [phone rings]

- Hello.
- Give me...

Yeah, I'll get that
report to Higgins. Hello?

Honey, what are you...?

I told you I'd be
working here, didn't I?

Well... Wait a minute. Are
you checking up on me?

I don't check up on you,
do I? Because I trust you.

Well, frankly, if I were in
your shoes, I'd feel terrible too.

All right, well, don't cry.

All right. Just don't
call again, all right?

OK. Yeah, me too. Bye.

- See ya.
- Tommy, I hate it
when you do this.

I hate myself when I do this.

- Why do we do this, Hennessy?
- I'm not doing anything.

That's exactly what I tell
myself, but I get over it.

What are you doing Saturday?
I may need you by your phone.

I'm sticking around
here on Saturday.

My son's going
out on his first date.

Rudy has his first date.

- Rory.
- Whatever. Your little boy!

Yeah. Already. Then
again, he is a Hennessy.

Ah... More important,
he overcame it.


You're chuckling a lot for a guy

reading the history
of the Cosa Nostra.

I was just thinking about
Rory. Lo and behold,

he's got his first
date with a girl.

[continues chuckling]

- I'm reading.
- No, it's just,
I'm thinking about...

how it was almost like yesterday

when he said, "Girls are yucky,"

and throwing rocks at
'em and now, lo and behold,

he's got his first
date with a little girl.

You can't pretend that
you're not thinking about it too.

I'm thinking you've
said "lo and behold"

about five times
in the last hour.

- Would you, you know, stop?
- Is that so bad?

If you'd said it
before you proposed

it would have been
a deal breaker.

So sue me. I'm basking

in my little buddy's
foray into manhood.

Paul, you are the master
of the double standard.

- What?
- You never chuckled

when the girls were
foraying into womanhood.

Well, that wasn't
funny. Not then, not now.

But you gotta admit,
with Rory, it's kinda cute.

Well... well, you
think it's cute.

- I think it's a little sad.
- I know, lo and behold, he's...

Is this gonna be like the time

you said "vis-à-vis"
for six months?

I'm sorry.

Anyway, you know, I heard on
the radio that 30 percent of kids

are sexually active by
the time they are freshmen.

Can you believe that?

Things have sure changed
since we were in college.

- Freshmen in high school.
- No! Don't say...

So what? You're
saying you think Rory is...

No. No, no, no. I'm just
saying this is another thing

to worry about and
to prepare our kids for.

'Cause Rory's not a
teenager, you know, vis-à-vis...

- I swear to God, vis-à-vis...
- Sorry.

Yeah, but he's
nearly in high school.

I remember when I was his age,

I barely had the nerve
to hold a girl's hand.

I mean, mine would
literally tremble

whenever I'd reach for hers.

- Aw!
- You know what it's like.

You remember what you were
like when you were that age.

Yes. Yeah, I... Yes,
I do remember that.

Good night, Paul.

- [up-tempo music on TV]
- Kids?

What are you doing up
so late? It's a school night.

We couldn't sleep.

- We were scared.
- Shh.

As long as you're up...

- What do you want, Dad?
- Well, I just...

I'm doing this
research on a column.

Oh, is it about
double standards,

'cause you already
know a lot about that.

No. Although, and you're
gonna laugh, it does touch on that.

Uh-oh. He wants
to ask us about sex.

Yes, sex is a complex
and difficult decision.

We will not let peer
pressure dictate our actions.

Oh, God, you are
so not Celine Dion.

Would you... would
you stop with this?

Now, it's...

Actually, I don't
wanna talk about you.

I'd like to talk
about other kids.

Theoretically... do you
think that... a lot of them are...

you know... sexually active?

Define "sexually active."

Do you want to be home-schooled?

Hey, girls! Girls!

Come on! Please.

I don't know, Dad. I
mean, I wouldn't say a lot.

- Oh, good.
- Probably... one in three.

Yeah, about that.

Oh, except the band kids.

The band kids?

- Oh, yeah,
they're like rabbits.
- Uh-huh.

I need to sit down.

Dad, a lot of kids realize

that you only have one
chance for a first time,

so it's kinda worth waiting for

until you're absolutely
sure you're ready.

Wow, Beach.

That's exactly what
I wanted to hear.

I know.

Cate, I've been thinking about
this thing with Rory since last night.

What if Rory is one
of the one in three?

Or Sabrina is one
of the one in three?

And what's one in
three times one in three?

Quick, get Kerry down here. No.

- Get Bridget.
- OK.

- OK, Paul, you
have to calm down.
- What? I'm calm.

Take a deep breath.

You know, maybe you just need
to have another talk with Rory.

You know, advanced
birds and bees

without the nature
videos and giggling.

That's your answer
for everything, isn't it?

dealing with the problem.

Where do you come up with
this stuff? It's not that easy.

Oh, really? Huh.

Um, Kerry, I just got a call
from your history teacher.

Missing homework
assignments? Explain, please.

What's the point in studying?
Bridget's the smart one.

Bridget's the everything.
What do I care?

All right, honey, look, I
know you feel bad right now,

but this is one test, taken
on one day in your lifetime.

That doesn't make
me feel better!

School was the one
thing I was good at.

It was my thing. Bridget's
got everything else.

Now she's suddenly Miss
Ninety-Second Percentile.

I mean, that's not fair.

All right, honey, just try this:

- Get over it.
- What?

Good one, Mom.

And you... smart girl
with the smart mouth.

You are obviously

so I am sentencing you to
two hours of homework a night,

every night, until I
see an improvement

in your grades. Every night.

What?! No, no. It was a
fluke! I'm stupid. S-T-O-O-P-I-D.


- Too late. You're smart.
- [Bridget groans]

- Ha-ha! Good one, Mom.
- Shut up!

Well, you know what...

Now, that's how you give a talk.

That was good.

Oh, look at him.

I don't hear an "aw!"

God, I can smell the
cologne over here.

Hey, Dad, how do I look?

Like a very nice young man.

Aw, man, now I gotta go change.

Come on, you're cool. Come here.

- Can I have some money
for the movies?
- Yeah.

You know, I've
been unfair to you.

No, no, no. I mean, I've been
unfair to you and your sisters.

Come here for a second
and sit down, Rory.

- Dad?
- Yeah?

When Sabrina gets here,

do you think maybe you could
call me Ror instead of Rory?

- Ror?
- Yeah.

- Like a lion.
- Oh, yeah!

OK. All right, listen,
I just wanted to say

that I may have gone
out on a limb here,

treating you differently.

- 'Cause I'm the boy, right?
- Yeah.

Yeah, about that,
you know how I am

with boys who wanna
date your sisters?

Yeah. Horrible.

No, well, let's
just say "cautious."

But I have to be careful,

because I only want
your... your sisters

to go out with good guys.

And I want you to be
one of the good guys.

- You want me
to go out with my sisters?
- No, I...

Ror, pay attention, OK?

I want to have a
discussion with you

about your behavior with girls

because you'll probably
be doing more of this.

Dad, don't worry. I think I
know how to treat the ladies.

"The ladies?" Who
are you, Dean Martin?

[doorbell rings]

It's Sabrina.

Wait a minute. I'm not finished.

- Dad, I gotta go.
- Listen to me.

I want you, and I expect you,
to act maturely and be respectful

towards Sabrina and any other
girl you ever might wanna date

or ever even encounter
from this day forward,

forever and ever. Amen.

Why are you telling me all this?

- Because you're the boy.
- [groans]

- Hey, punk.
- Hey, punk.

- Hi, Mr. Hennessy.
- Sabrina.

See ya, Dad.

- How are you doing?
- Did you see how
she was dressed?!

What was I thinking? I wanna
keep the girls in a convent,

and here I'm giving Rory
money for shore leave.

Have a little faith.

In what?

That Rory is the son
of a very sweet man,

whose hand trembled when
he reached for the hand of a girl.

Cate, why don't
you say that louder?

I don't think the
neighbors heard!

- [suspenseful music plays]
- [high-pitched screaming]

Uh, girls, come on over
here. You've got mail.


Neither one of you is the
brightest bulb on the tree.

- Oh, yeah, right.
- Right.

It's from the state
testing service.

"Due to an error in
our computer system,

your score was
mistakenly reported."

[gasps] A 94! I got a 94!

Well, what did I get?

Well, honey, you got...

your catalog from Delia.