8 Simple Rules (2002–2005): Season 1, Episode 12 - All I Want for Christmas - full transcript

Paul decides that he is going to make this Christmas the best one ever. As he and Cate decorate the Christmas tree the kids tell him what they want for Christmas. Rory wants a motorcycle, Bridget wants to be with Kyle on Christmas Eve, and Kerry wants to keep a lost puppy that she just found wandering in the street. Paul wants to win the brightest lights competition in the neighborhood, but it seems like the neighbors are winning.

OK, no, put the
first string of lights

close to the trunk of the tree

and then zigzag it down.

Yeah, make it tight, Cate.

The goal is to achieve
maximum brightness.

- Would you shut up?
- What?

I think I can handle it.

Who do you think
usually decorates the tree?

Those little tiny Charlie Brown
trees that you usually buy.

I got a bigger one dangling
from my rearview mirror.

This year I wanna do it right.



Yeah, by buying the
biggest tree on the lot?

This isn't Christmas,
it's lumbering.

Honey, I want it to be perfect,
the best Christmas ever.

Oh, hell, good enough.

Cate, come on, it's
Christmas, don't do that.

Lindsay, I have to be careful
what I get Kyle this year.

I don't wanna look needy. I also don't
want to look pale. Do you have bronzer?

You don't? Well, you should.

Daddy, can I have a party
here on Christmas Eve?

Astonishing. No.

- You're right, just Kyle then.
- No.

You said no to the
party. Meet me halfway.

What kind of life lessons
are you teaching me?

- Bridget.
- Dad.



The Doyles just
unloaded a generator

and a huge plastic
reindeer for the roof.

Oh yeah? We can't let the
Doyles beat us like last year, son.

- And whose fault was that?
- I couldn't help it!

I hate this lighting
competition.

It's like the neighborhood
is a bunch of losers.

And this year, we're
gonna be number one.

We're gonna have the best tree

and the best decorations
on Oakdale Avenue.

How about a best
present for the family?

Yeah, Dad and nothing
from the airport this time.

I cannot believe you are still
making me pay for last year.

There was a snowstorm. I
was delayed by the weather.

I did the best I could.

I love my "I heart
Chicago" coffee mug.

Don't forget the
little teddy bear

with the "I heart
Chicago" T-shirt.

And the "I heart
Chicago" bar towel.

Everybody knows
that airport gift shops

are crowded during the holidays.

Aw, and Chicago's a hub.

- You poor baby.
- OK, make fun.

I'm gonna do it. I'm
gonna get everybody

the best Christmas
presents ever.

This will be the best
Christmas of all time.

It's like that, um...

you know, that, uh,
James Stewart movie,

where he gets hit on the head

and he wakes up in Potterville,

in a bar with
drunks and hookers,

and he realizes that he has
more friends than anybody.

It's a Wonderful Life.

- Sounds like it.
- [Paul] OK.

What does everybody
want for Christmas?

- All right,
just give me some hints.
- A motorcycle.

Anybody.

- I want Kyle to come over.
- Anybody? Don't be shy.

Look what I found running
in the street. Can I keep him?

Anybody?

When was the last
time that dog ate?

Well, if you include tinsel,
about five minutes ago.

There is no way
Kerry's keeping that dog.

Well I support you
one hundred percent.

I've done my tour
of duty with pets.

There must be a dozen
Popsicle stick crosses

out behind the garage.

It's like a tiny little
Normandy. I'm off.

- Where you going?
- Choir practice.

Christmas Eve is closing
in and I hope we're ready.

With all the years I've put in,

you'd think they'd
give me a shot at solo,

but they always
give it to Mary Beth.

And you know why? Politics.

She always bakes
brownies for everybody.

Probably eats
half of 'em herself.

Oh, am I a bad person, Paul?

So I have to tell
Kerry about the dog?

I swear to God, Paul.

- Don't step in the tinsel.
- Yeah.

- Come here. Come here.
- Kerry?

Come on, Puppy.

Come on, Puppy.
Oh, Dad, isn't he cute?

I named him...

No. Don't do that.
Don't name him.

How come?

Because if you name
him, it'll make me feel worse

for what I'm about to say.

- Dad...
- Kerry,

your mother says
you can't keep the dog.

What? Why?

Because he needs
attention, a lot of it.

No one's at home
to take care of him.

- You're at home.
- That's just an expression.

Honey, look, I tried
talking to your mom.

Dad, you can't...!

You can't take him to the pound.

Do you know what they
do to dogs at the pound?

It's not the pound.
It's a shelter.

They'll find him a good home.

- But, come...
- Honey, I'm sorry.

Fine.

Oh, Dad, look. He found
a ball. He wants to play.

Wait a minute. This is from my
autographed baseball collection.

[growling]

Best wishes, Ty Cobb.

No big deal.

[Rory] Dad, can I get a...

No motorcycle, no monkey,
and no monkey on a motorcycle.

Lindsay's on the case,
I'll have the info in no time.

Ooh, thank God. About what?

About how much Kyle
spent. If I spend more,

I look needy and
lose the upper hand.

And her heart grew
three sizes that day.

God! I hate these crowds,
annoying holiday Muzak,

herding lemmings
to their spiritual death.

Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.

Paul, honey.

At least somebody's in
the Christmas spirit. Hi.

- Something great happened.
- What?

You know Mary Beth
who gets the solo?

- Yeah?
- She fell off a ladder.

- I was at the hospital. She's fine.
- Good.

But there is no way
she can do a solo!

- I think they're
gonna give it to me.
- Oh, Cate.

- Ooh. I'm a bad person.
- No. Well, no.

- Did you wipe your prints off?
- Oh, stop.

- That's great.
- Congratulations.

- Ah, big whoop.
- Kerry.

Puppy's at a
shelter with 100 dogs

that are never
gonna find a home.

But maybe he made a
lot of little doggie buddies.

Who knows? Maybe he's
got a little doggie girlfriend.

I'm not five.

I know. It didn't
work then, either.

About as good as,
"Goldie's gone to the ocean."

What?

Dad, now I know what I
really want. A chemistry set.

Think of the explosions...

of knowledge in my brain.

Uh-uh. No. No chemistry set.

Absolutely not. Paul,
do you hear me?

Loud and clear.

No.

- I mean it.
- Right.

- No.
- No chemistry set whatsoever.

Kids, come with me and
help me look for your father.

- Dad's not our father?
- I knew it!

Told you.

I mean, a gift for your
father, smart guys. Come on.

[Bridget] Lindsay saw him coming

out of Spencer's Gifts
and he said my name.

Of course she wore
these stupid shoes...

[Cate vocalizing]

If he got me something from
a novelty store, it so over.

- [vocalizing continues]
- For the love of God, be quiet!

[Cate stops vocalizing]

So much for the
Christmas spirit, huh, Paul?

Not you, honey,
Bridget. Mostly Bridget.

[vocalizes]

Would you...?

I'm just trying to write here.

I don't have time
to get mad at you.

I have to go get ready
to rehearse for my solo.

Oh, no, did I let that slip?

They gave it to...
[vocalizes] ...you?

- Congratulations.
- I'm gonna go get
ready for practice.

I'm so proud of
you. Way to go! Woo!

Dad, code red. The Doyles just unloaded
a blow-up Santa bigger than their house!

Rory, I'm writing.
Bigger than their house?

I gotta see this. No, I
gotta write. I'm sorry.

Maybe you can write
us some Christmas lights.

Because we're losing,
man. And it's your fault.

Santa heard that.

- Well, Santa can bite my...
- Hey!

Feel good about yourself, Dad?

I'm guessing no?

I just went to the shelter to
visit Puppy, and guess what?

They placed one dog
this week and 15 came in.

That's like the circus.
Remember when they put that dog

in the clown car and then
15 came out of the trunk?

Where do they all come from?

Everybody wants the
perfect pedigreed dog.

I can't believe how
superficial people can be.

OK, Kyle better not be getting
me anything from the soap store.

Kerry, honey...

- this might cheer you up.
- What is it?

I wanted to help so I wrote a
column encouraging my readers

to adopt pets from
animal shelters.

Really?

This is my present to
you. It was from the heart.

OK, see, "shar
pei" is two words.

Thank you. There's no
need to hug me or tear up,

just Merry Christmas to you.

OK. If you really
wanna get me a present,

you can help me with
the pet adoption fair

at the mall on
Christmas Eve, all of you.

But, Kerry, that's
Christmas Eve.

Sorry, I have plans with Kyle.

And I've got numbness
in my extremities.

Dad, eww.

Dad's right. Christmas Eve

should be like the
very first Christmas,

cavemen sitting around the
tree with Jesus opening presents.

OK, that's it! We're all going
to Christmas Eve services,

especially you, Rory,
and pay attention this time.

We're gonna hear
your mother sing a solo.

- Oh...
- "Oh," what, honey?

Well, I just realized
I'm gonna be singing

in front of you guys
and what if I screw up?

I don't wanna screw
up in front of you.

You won't even notice us.

There's gonna be a couple
hundred people in church.

Oh.

Don't look at it
like you're singing

for a church packed with people.

You're singing for God.

Oh.

You guys can't come.

What? Wait a minute,
this is your first solo.

Exactly and I'm nervous enough.

Paul, please, just think
of it as a present to me.

Hang on. Everybody was counting

on spending
Christmas Eve together.

I've gotta hold this
to a family vote.

Kids, your mother
doesn't want us to come

to midnight services.

- Cool.
- OK.

- Fine by me.
- See ya.

Dad, I can't get
these untangled.

It's OK. Maybe we have enough.

Sure you don't need help?
Kyle is great with undoing knots.

And hooks. And
buttons. And snaps.

Rory, shut up!

OK, here we go.

Hey, Fred. Fred Doyle. Think
I have a chance this year?

[Jingle Bells plays]

Would you keep up?

People might
think we're together.

God forbid anyone think
we're a family. Come on.

Kerry's not gonna be
with us Christmas Eve,

we'll go be with her.

OK, fine, I'll keep it
three steps behind you,

only because it's Christmas.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- What now?
- Hide me, it's Kyle.

If he hasn't figured out we're
together by now, he's a moron.

I can't believe him!
He got me jewelry!

This is the worst
Christmas ever.

Why would you
say a thing like that?

Because I only got
him massage oil.

You got him massage oil?

And now I'm gonna look cheap.

- Uh, yeah.
- OK, you're right.

Level the playing field.
Get something better.

Rory, help me. Come on.

Don't buy anything you
have to rub on him, sweetie.

Make it a real Christmas.
Take a homeless dog home.

Idiot.

Hey, Care Bear.

- Dad, what are you doing here?
- Where else would I be?

It's Christmas Eve and I
wanna spend it with all my kids.

Then where's Bridget and Rory?

I don't know. Come
on, honey, let's go.

No, I am not leaving until I
find at least one dog a home.

I can't even get people to
stop. It's like they just don't care.

Hey, you're a
good-looking family.

But you know what's missing?

A good-looking dog.
Hey, kid, you want a dog?

- Puppies.
- Please.

Thanks. Thanks a lot.

- Hey, what's going on?
- We found one a home.

- I thought you
were hiding from...
- Dad!

Hiding from Santa,
because he knows

when you've been bad or good.

Don't worry, babe, that's
just an urban legend.

OK, come on, let's go. We
got a dog adopted, which is...

not nearly enough.

Bridget, Rory, Kyle grab a dog.

- Great sad face.
- Thanks. It's new.

Merry Christmas. Enjoy
your pre-owned dog.

- You guys, thank you so much.
- No, Kerry, this was nice.

It was odd, but a nice way
to spend Christmas Eve.

I got what I wanted.

I got to spend Christmas
Eve with all my kids.

- Dad, don't touch me!
- We're in public.

Don't even think about it, Dad.

You're the dog nobody
wants to play with.

[growls]

Well, been there, pal.
Been there and back.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Thanks for your help. I'll take
it from here. Merry Christmas.

- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.

[dog whimpers]

- I'm gonna miss him.
- Me too.

Nobody should be alone tonight.

Well, we better get going.

We have to make a stop
on the way home. Oh, sorry.

This isn't the Home
of the Big Boy.

You know, in a way it is.

[whispering] Sir,
could you move down...

Mary Beth.

Bridget!

Dad, I gotta do it or
it'll drive me crazy.

- Do it. I dare you.
- Dad, there's Mom.

♪ Silent night ♪

♪ Holy night ♪

♪ All is calm ♪

♪ All is bright ♪

♪ Round yon Virgin ♪

♪ Mother and Child ♪

♪ Holy Infant ♪

♪ So tender and mild ♪

♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪

♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪

- ♪ Silent night ♪
- ♪ Silent... ♪

- ♪ Holy night! ♪
- ♪ Shepherds... ♪

♪ Shepherds quake ♪

♪ At the sight ♪

♪ Glories stream ♪

- ♪ From heaven afar ♪
- ♪ Alleluia... ♪

♪ Heavenly hosts ♪

♪ Sing Alleluia ♪

♪ Christ, the Savior ♪

♪ Is born ♪

♪ Christ, the Savior ♪

♪ Is born ♪

♪ Christ, the Savior ♪

♪ Is born ♪

[choir humming melody]

[mouthing]

Tell the truth. If we
hadn't shown up,

you'd have been
mad, wouldn't you?

Well, it's Christmas
Eve and I was a solo.

- You sang beautifully.
- You guys showing up was
the best Christmas present ever.

- Was it?
- Thank you, honey.

[door opens]

[all] Eww.

What are you doing
outside? It's freezing.

We were looking
at the Doyle's lights.

[groans] The Doyle's lights.

Can we open presents?

Rory, not until
tomorrow morning.

- Come on.
- OK, you can each open one.

Rory, you first.

There's one right over
there by the bookcase.

I think you'll like it.

A chemistry set! Thanks, Dad.

Paul!

[Bridget] So...

So where are our presents?

Uh, well, why don't you look

under the tree,
Kerry and Bridget,

if you're ready
for your presents.

If you're ready
for your presents!

- [Bridget] Where?
- [Kerry] Yeah, I mean,

- none of these have our names.
- Keep looking.

[door shuts]

This could take all
night. Girls, turn around.

[gasps] Puppy! Oh, my
God! Thank you, Daddy.

[giggling] Thank you.

- Kyle, help me find my present.
- I am your present.

Oh, Daddy, thank you.

I'll feed him, walk him,
and play with him every day.

I will too.

Hey, everybody, it's snowing.

Oh, wow.

- Nah, I'm just kidding.
- Rory!

- [electricity crackling]
- Whoa! What the hell happened?

It looks like the
Doyles' lights blew out.

Totally blew out.

Rory.

I didn't do anything. I
swear we were just looking.

You mean it just
happened? Thank you.

[all] Merry Christmas, Dad!

I just... I just don't
know what to say.

This is the perfect Christmas.

- I'm here with my family and...
- And puppy.

- And puppy.
- And Kyle.

And... Kyle.

And the Doyles are
gonna lose this year.

I'm the richest man in town.

God bless us, every one.

♪ Deck the halls
with boughs of holly ♪

[all] ♪ Fa la la
la la La la la la ♪

♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪

♪ Fa la la la la
La la la la... ♪

- You got me soap?
- Gourmet soap.

See, it says right there on the
box. This one's made of oatmeal.

I think you use that
one in the morning.

I saw you coming out
of the jewelry store.

Oh, yeah. Check out this
awesome watch. Three time zones.

- You got yourself a watch?
- Yeah.

Ask me what time it is.

I think it's time
for you to leave.

Not in London.

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