8 Simple Rules (2002–2005): Season 1, Episode 11 - Paul Meets His Match - full transcript

- [Rory] Hey, Dad.
- Down here.

Is it OK if I go skateboarding
with some friends?

They drained the pool at the rec
center, makes an awesome half-pipe.

Sure, just be back by...

Before your mother
gets mad at me.

- Hey, honey.
- Hey.

I appreciate you doing
Thanksgiving shopping.

- Yeah.
- Hey, where'd Rory go?

He went skateboarding
with some friends.

Did he bring his kneepads, helmet,
mouthpiece and wrist guards?


More kids come into
that emergency room

and they forgot their...

- Uh, where are the eggs?
- Ooh, eggs.

How could you forget?
I put 'em on the list.

Ooh, list, you know, I...
Here, I forgot the list, actually,

but I figured if I
walked around the store

I'd remember the
important things.

Like a nutcracker?

No, that was by the
cashier and I remembered

that you wanted walnuts
for your Waldorf Salad.

- So did you pick up
the walnuts?
- Ooh, walnuts.

I am not gonna get mad today.

We just have too much
to be thankful for this year.

Yeah. Like your parents
are staying in Sarasota.

Paul. Yeah, you got me there.

Wait a minute. I'm bored.
You wanna have some fun?


Why'd you do that?

Let's make my Dad think
we were fooling around.

I don't wanna have fun.
I don't wanna have fun.

Wait. Wait. Whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

What happened to the
"no boys upstairs" rule?

- Oh, I waived it for Jason.
- Cate, did you know about this?

Oh, relax. They were
only up there a minute.

What can happen in a minute?

[laughs, then coughs]

Kerry, you know the
rules. No boys upstairs.

God, it's freezing in that
basement. Hey, Kerry, Jason.

Hey, guys. Um, Jason,
do you know Kyle?

Yeah. I think you shoved
me into a locker once.

Oh yeah. What up?

What is going on in this house?

What were you two
doing in the basement?

Relax, Papa H, we
were playing Ping-Pong.

We got rid of the
Ping-Pong table a month ago.

Oh, well it was hard
to see with the lights off.

Why are you getting all bent?
The rule is no boys upstairs.

We were in the basement,
which, look it up, is downstairs.

Ipso facto, no rule
breakage. I need lip gloss.

OK, Bridget, you've
raised a valid point.

So this is the new rule. No
boys upstairs, downstairs...

- Dad, wait!
- anywhere until
after the holidays,

which includes Christmas,
New Years, Fourth of July,

and for good measure,
Ground Hog Day.

Can they come for
Thanksgiving dinner?

I applaud that you would
even ask me that. No.

OK, Daddy. Can
they come Thursday?

- Morning.
- Morning.

Isn't that the sweater I got
you two Christmases ago?

Uh-huh, I like it now.

Oh. Uh, could you give me
the tank top in your backpack.

OK, you. You got me.

- Now give me the other one.
- Oh, God, that is so unfair.

Oh, get down here. And
don't take off that sweater.

I cannot go to school in
this. It's a grandma sweater.

- I thought it was really cute?
- Yeah, on someone named Nana.

I am not in the mood for this today.
Your dad had me up half the night.

[both] Eww.

Tossing and turning.

[both] Eww!

- He couldn't sleep!
- Oh!

If you guys are smart, you'll
be nice to your dad today.

- There's a lot
going on at work.
- Hey, we're always nice.

Dad's the problem. He won't let our
boyfriends come for Thanksgiving dinner.

He's the one who says we should
feed the homeless. We don't know them.

- Morning.
- Hey, honey.

So you ready for your breakfast
meeting with your new editor?

If by ready you mean panic
stricken with writer's block, I'm ready.

Aw, good for you.

- You don't listen
to me, do you?
- Oh, love you, too.

Come on, girls. You don't
wanna be late for school.

I gotta have a good day today.

That's a cute sweater,
Beach. Nana has one just like it.

Cate, he never showed. Some newspaper
editor; can't even make a deadline.

I waited 45 minutes
for the big jerk.

- Paul Hennessy?
- Yeah.

- Nick Sharpe. Big Jerk.
- Don't call him that, honey.

It's all right, I am, and I am
so sorry for missing breakfast.

- Family emergency.
- Everything OK?

Oh, fine, fine.
Everything's fine.

It's just...

God, you got no idea what it's
like being the father of teenage girls.


And Jenna, who I caught sneaking
out to get her belly button pierced at...

- The Navel Station?
- That's the one.

For 20 bucks a month, Vinnie,
the manager, will call you

- anytime one of them comes in.
- Outstanding.

I gave up being a foreign correspondent
to spend more time with them.

But sometimes, I miss
the serenity of Baghdad.

I gave up sports writing
for the same reason.

Don't get me wrong.
I love my girls, dearly.

- How many?
- Four.

Four? I only have two,
although it seems like four.

That means you'd have eight.

Cate, Cate, look what
I found out in our yard.

- Put them down!
- Dad, you're hurting Jason!

I told you, if you feed them,
you'll never get rid of them.

Bye-bye now.

Uh, is that why you brought
'em in, so you could kick 'em out?

Uh, yeah.

If this is what happens when I
bring a boyfriend over to our house,

I'm just gonna find ways of
seeing them behind your back.

[laughs] Yeah. I should
start doing that too.

So, she said, pretending she lived in
a normal house, how was your day?

It was great. Nick and I spent
lunch at an indoor driving range.

- Oh, did you pick up
the walnuts?
- Ooh, walnuts.

- This is the worst day
of my life.
- Rory, what happened?

We were having a
great time skating.

Were we wearing
our helmet, kneepads,

wrist guards, and mouthpiece?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

And after, we went to this girl's house
and her dad came home and went psycho.

What do you mean psycho?

He was screaming
and calling me names

like, "You little punk."

Then he grabbed me by my shirt.

- What?
- He put his hands on you?

- I'll kill him!
- Easy, girl.

And the worst part is, I left my
skateboard and I'm afraid to go back.

The nerve of that
guy. What did you do?

Nothing. He just went
nuts. He's a psycho dad.

He messed with
the wrong Hennessy.

I got half a mind to punch
his lights out. I'm going.

- Get him, Dad.
- And you're going with me.

I got a lot of homework.


Looks like nobody's
home. Let's go.

No, wait, I know
you're afraid, Rory,

but this guy has
gotta apologize to you.

Nobody treats you like that.

Oh, hey, Paul,
what are you, uh...?


Hit him, Dad!

This puts me in an
awkward position

of being a concerned
parent, a friend...

- My employee.
- Employee, yes.

- Can I have
my skateboard back?
- Timing, Rory.

Skateboard? I don't know
about any skateboard that you

or any boy that I catch with
my daughters leaves over here.

I also don't know anything about
a scooter, a couple of bicycles,

a '98 Honda 750 mint condition.

- Daddy, can I go to the mall?
- No, Jenna, you're grounded.

- For what?
- For going to the mall.

That was Amanda's fault.

She had to go to the mall
to buy Melanie a present,

like that's gonna make up for
leaving play rehearsal with Tyler.

Yeah, right, Amanda.

Sweetheart, can we
talk about this later?

[scoffs] You never
listen to me! God!

- Sorry about that.
- No problem. It's like Muzak.

Anyway, so Rory
came home very upset

because... some father,

apparently you, uh, threw him
out of the house for no reason.

No reason?

How about I walk
into my kitchen,

find your son
kissing my baby girl.

- You left that part out.
- Oh. Yeah.

I'm sorry it was your kid, Paul.

But my experience tells me
that all boys are after one thing.

Their skateboards.

- Michelle, are you...?
- I hate you.

Michelle. My oldest.


So, Rory, is it true,
what Mr. Sharpe said?

- Yeah, but...
- I can't believe
you lied to me.

- Dad.
- Not a word
until we get home.

- [girl] Dad!
- [Paul and Nick] What?


Tell Michelle to stop
using my hairbrush.

I don't want her
disgusting dye in it.

Michelle dyes her hair?

No, Dad. That shade of
brass runs in the family.

This is getting eerie.

Well, happy
Thanksgiving, everybody.

This is a little out of the moment,
but what do walnuts mean to you?

Oh, my God, walnuts.

- Dad, this is totally unfair!
- I don't wanna hear it.

You didn't hear my side.

What is going on?

Dad's mad at the
boy for a change.

Kerry, knock it off. Although
I should get a camera. Paul?

- Get him, Ground him.
- Tell him you didn't teach him

- to act like this!
- Make him put on
a different top!

Bridget, Kerry, not
now. This isn't cute.

Rory was caught
kissing my boss' daughter.

I am having the best day ever.

I didn't kiss her,
she kissed me.

- [both] Eww!
- I didn't even like it.

- I told you.
- I knew it.

Girls! All right, Rory, tell
me what really happened.

Well, Katy and I were just talking and
out of nowhere, she plants one on me.

My mouth was full of
cocoa. I burnt my tongue.

Then Mr. Sharpe
walked in and went crazy,

screamed at me, and
threw me out of the house.

So I guess Nick jumped
to conclusions and so did I.

Rory, I'm really sorry.

Thanks, Dad, but he
still has my skateboard.

Maybe I can ride your apology
over to his house and get it.

You know, I can't
believe that Nick.

After Thanksgiving, I am going
over to give him a piece of my mind.

What kind of man would
do something like that?

What? Cate?

Officer down, need backup.

Kyle can't hold my hand without
you thinking that he's a sex maniac.

God forbid Jason puts
his arm around me,

you've got me pregnant
and dropping out.

- Which would never happen.
- Of course not.

Kerry's so smart she could graduate
high school if she had two babies.

It's no wonder you and Nick are
so close. You're both psycho dads.

Don't compare me to him. Nick judged
Rory without even knowing him. Cate?

Are you even
listening to yourself?

When have you ever taken the
time to get to know any of the boys

Kerry and Bridget
have brought over here?

Oh, I know them. I
get inside their heads.

I know what they're
gonna do before they do.

This isn't helping your
psycho dad defense.

Trust me, it... [stammers]
It's completely different.

No, it isn't. It's exactly the
same as what Nick did to Rory.

- Yeah, Dad, Mom's right.
- You hurt our little brother.

- Oh God, I am a...
- Say it.

Psycho dad.

Cool. Say it again.

Good morning, Happy
Thanksgiving, everybody.

[mock coughing] Psycho dad.

Uh, remember our discussion

about having guests
over on Thanksgiving?

Oh, happy Turkey Day, Papa H.

You can call him Papa H, too.

I know, I know, I'm just
waiting for the right moment.

We decided to help you by
inviting Kyle and Jason over

so you can get that
chance to know them better.

Well, you know, I
was just kinda thinking

that I'd get to know
the lads over time.

That time being
after Thanksgiving.

[mock coughing] Psycho dad.

Beach, Care Bear, you know,

we always do pancakes
and parade in our PJs.

You know, only stuff
that starts with P.

Like puh-psycho dad?

Don't worry, we
can leave, Papa H.

See, it just sounds
stupid coming from me.

Look, I'm flexible.
Adopt, adapt, improve.

Sherlock Holmes. Never mind.

OK, since you
guys are both here,

maybe we can use this chance
to get to know each other better.

- So, Kyle, how's
school this semester?
- Pass.

- You can't pass
on the question.
- I'm not good at school.

- Maybe the next one's
about sports.
- [Paul] OK.

What's up, Jason?
Do you do sports?

Can I have the
school question, sir?

It's come to my attention that
I've been a little rough on you guys

and from the bottom
of my heart, I'm sorry.

So, Daddy, can our boyfriends
stay for Thanksgiving dinner?


Hey, you can't
imagine the fun I had

shopping on
Thanksgiving morning.

I almost lost a
hand in the nut bin.

This is enough
for a family of five.

Uh, Cate.

Oh, and the boys are
over. Well, good for you.

- And they're
staying for dinner.
- [chuckles] And...

you're going back to the store.

Did you get the whipped
cream for the pumpkin pie?

Uh, yeah.

Did you get the pie?

None of your business.

Uh, I need help setting the dining
room table. Where'd the girls go?

- I thought I saw them
go upstairs.
- OK.

Into their bedroom, with Jason
and Kyle, could be mistaken.

Bridget, Kerry,
everybody downstairs.

So you wait until they're in their
bedroom before you rat them out?


- What?
- Get down here. I... I missed you.

All right, guys, you can use those
busy hands to help me set the table.

[doorbell rings]

- Hi, Paul.
- Nick.

So, love your column for Monday.

I haven't written it yet.

Well, I've got a feeling
it's gonna be a good one.

What's this really
about, Nick Sharpe?

I, uh, I thought I'd
return Rory's skateboard.

Hey, buddy.

This isn't my skateboard. My
skateboard's all beat up and...

Yeah, this one's mine. Thanks.

Well, that was very nice of you.

Not really, I need to apologize.

I found out that Katy was
the one who initiated the kiss.

Katy, my, um... baby.

Well, at least your baby
was honest with you.

- No, her sister
ratted her out.
- Of course.

I really appreciate
you coming by.

My baby.

Hey, are we OK?

'Cause, you
know, with the girls,

I don't get out much,

so I think you're...
my best friend.

We're good.

OK, good. All right,
I gotta be going.

Could I see what a
boy's room looks like?

Thanksgiving. Some other time.

- OK.
- You know what, though.

You don't really want to
go home, do you, Nick?

Not really.

We fathers, we need
to support each other.

I've practically become this...

- Psycho dad.
- You're the psycho dad.

- Sorry. I'm a little sensitive.
- No.

That's what my girls call me.

You can't let your
girls get to you.

It's just every time I give my
girls an inch they take a mile.

[Kerry] Go on, Jason, sit at the
head of the table in my dad's chair.

Go on. Sit in my dad's chair.

Well, maybe your
girls are different.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Yeah, right.

- Uh, where do you think
you're going?
- To play Ping-Pong.

No. Everybody! Come here,
I have an announcement.

Kerry, Jason, right here.

You know how you two girls have

helped me open my heart and
welcome others into my home?

Well, it didn't take.
You and you, out!

- What?
- You can't do that.

That which was
done is now undone.

The king is taking
back his castle.

Uh, Sire, prithee a word?

The girls are
walking all over me.

Honey, you cannot invite those boys
and then uninvite them at your whim.

The girls will think...

Think what? That
I'm some sort of...

- A psycho dad!
- You're the psycho dad.

No, I'm sorry.

Paul, those boys
are somebody's Rory.

What happened to getting
to know them a little better?

Fine. I'll get to know them
better before I toss 'em.

I'll start with Jason.
Jason, come here.

Can't you start with Kyle?

Look, Jason, how come
you're not with your family

on Thanksgiving anyway?

Well, Thanksgiving weekend's a
really big deer-hunting weekend.

My dad and my brother
always bring home these bucks

and I'm not really into it.

I'd kinda rather not be there.

Oh. Well, OK, Jason
can stay for dinner.

Thank you, Daddy.

All right, let's eat, dear.

No, no, I meant turkey,

I meant let's eat turkey, dear.


not Bambi.

OK, let's eat.

Dad, Dad, you forgot Kyle.

Thank you, Rory.

OK, Kyle, I guess to be fair, why
aren't you with your family Thanksgiving?

Because, well, because my family
never has Thanksgiving dinner.


- Well, it is an
overrated holiday.
- Paul!

All right, no, wait, OK,
Kyle can stay for dinner.

But, Kyle, son, I've known
your dad for years and years,

I can't believe you guys don't
have Thanksgiving dinner.

I know. My mom usually serves the
turkey around 2:00. It's more like lunch.

[doorbell rings]

I'm gonna go get that.

- Thank you, Daddy.
- Yes, thank you.

- You are so not a psycho dad.
- Do I detect gratitude?

What do you know,
and on Thanksgiving yet.

You know what I'm thankful for?

[Cate] Mom! Dad! What
are you doing here?

- Nana.
- Grandpa.


This is a masterpiece
of form meeting function.

It weighs only six ounces,

yet has the crushing
power of a Bengal tiger.

[Cate] Paul, come look at the pictures of
Mom and Dad's new condo in Sarasota.

Don't leave.

The boys are in
the middle of a story.

Guess how much
I paid for this baby.

Go on, guess. Ballpark figure.

Take a crack at it?