8 Simple Rules (2002–2005): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

Rory, what do you
like about James Bond?

I like that he has
a license to kill.

Yeah, me too.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

- What's this one called?
- Kyle.

- Hi, Paul Hennessy. Bridget's Dad.
- What's up! Kyle.

Kyle. Right.

Just so you know, Kyle, if you
ever pull into my driveway and honk,

you'd better be
delivering a package

because you're sure as
hell not picking anything up.



- Uh, sorry, Mr. Hennessy.
- Please.

All the guys call me Paul, or Sensei
Paul, because of my black belt.

Whatever you're
comfortable with.

- Your pants are ringing.
- Yeah.

What up, my brotha
from anotha motha?

Oh, Lindsey, yeah, I...

I can't talk right now.
No, I'm at a friend's house.

Yeah, just a friend. Yeah. Late.

Mr. Hennessy... Please, Sensei.

Lindsey, huh? You have other girlfriends,
Kyle, and that's fine with me...

- Sweet.
- if it's OK
with my daughter.

Otherwise, you will continue
to date her and no one but her

until she is finished with you. If
you make her cry, I'll make you cry.

- Hey, Kyle!
- Hey.



Oh, my God, you talked to him.

Little bit.

You two have fun! Later,
my brotha from anotha motha!

- Keys, keys, keys...
- Where are you going?

You know this. I'm starting
the morning shift in ICU.

I have to get down to the paper.

You're in charge
of the kids today.

Oh, right! That starts today.

Actually, it started
when they were born.

I just never worked
mornings before.

You know, you could call
them and tell them you're sick.

Paul, you're doing this. Bye.

This is a bad day for me.
I've got a huge deadline.

Ed needs 800 words on
the boat show at Auburn Hills.

OK, I'll tell the guy without a liver to
hold on because there's a boat show.

I owe you.

Paul, if you love me,

and if you ever want another
shot at a nurse fantasy...

- And I do.
- And you do.

Then you will stick to
our plan and share duties.

- You're right.
- Bridget! Give me that!

- That's my mirror!
- - They're all your mirrors!

OK. This is where
sharing the duties begins.

Girls, don't make your
mother come up there!

Good job.

The boy. My boy.

Hey, Dad.

- Good morning, Care Bear.
- Yeah? Prove it.

Someone's not getting any
Mickey Mouse pancakes today.

Uh, Bridget... Why are
you dressed like that?

It must be Casual
Sex Day at school.

Hey! At least I get...

look good.

Cupcake, I think you missed
the word "under" in "underwear."

I can see your bra and that slingshot
you're wearing under your pants.

- It's a thong.
- It's floss.

I can't wear anything
else. Panty lines. Hello.

Panty lines, hello, are fine.

- They were a big deal
in my day.
- We're the Thong Generation.

Well, maybe that's why
your generation is so angry.

You're always walking
around with a wedgie.

Hey, Dad, did you know Bridget's
got underpants with leopard spots?

- What were you doing
in my drawer?
- Showing my friends.

- Oh God!
- No, no, no.

Not the boy. Never hit the boy.

Go upstairs, cover up!

- Kerry, sweetie?
- What?!

Problem in the coven?

You're so
immeasurably not funny.

You seem like you're in some
kind of mood this morning.

- Is everything OK?
- Stop yelling at me!

I... Uh...

I'm not yelling. Honey...

are you having your...?

Are you on your...?

Is it your...

birthday?

No. It's not my... birthday.

- What?
- Sack lunches?

Only losers bring
their lunches to school.

I brought a sack lunch every
day all throughout college.

- Loser.
- Loser.

Stop here.

Do not drop us off up front.

And after we walk away, do
not shout something after us.

- Or honk.
- Or wave.

Don't say "you're welcome,"
like you're making a brilliant point

because we didn't
say "thank you."

Oh, Dad.

Bridgie! Care Bear!
You forgot your lunches!

You're welcome!

- Hey, Hennessy, think fast!
- Damn it, Tommy! Come on!

- I got a meeting
with Ed in five.
- Easy. Ooh.

I'm sorry. I'm just a little
crazed because of my kids.

You should've seen the
way my daughter dressed.

- Which one, the hot one?
- No. You can't call her that.

- Right. Not in front of you.
- Not ever.

- Well...
- No, come on, you know.

- You've got teenagers.
- But I've got the good kind.

Boys.

Boys are great. My little
guy's something, though.

He made the flag football
team this year. Defensive End.

Cute. Wanna hear something?
Guess what I found in Kyle's room?

- What?
- Come on, guess. Condoms.

- The big ones.
- Hey! Father of girls here.

- What?
- You and I are
no longer friends.

When were we friends? Whoa...

Watch out for that one.

Come on, relax, he's 17.
What were you like at his age?

- Horrible. - Well... Horrible!

- Wait a minute! Kyle?
- He goes to your kids' school.

Got kicked out
of the old school.

In fact, I think he's
friends with the hot...

- Bridget.
- Hot Bridget.

Tommy...

I don't want to talk about the girls
right now. They're safe in school.

Suspended? Kerry's suspended?

She was ditching.

This isn't like her.
She's an honor student.

I have to ask, has anything big
happened in the home recently?

Well, before I
switched to columnist,

I was named
Sportswriter of the Month.

- How would that affect Kerry?
- It can't be easy
living in my shadow.

She doesn't care
about your shadow.

Come on, Sportswriter
of the Month.

I meant something that
might be upsetting to the kids.

- Cate went back to work.
- What?

- Which was a mutual decision.
- I had to go back to work.

Bridget is two years away from college,
and unless she gets a scholarship...

I'm sorry. Go on.

Both of us working and sharing duties
seems like the only way to make it work.

- Commendable.
- I make lunches
and drive the kids.

- Once. You did it once.
- I got them to school,
didn't I?

Next time make sure they
walk all the way in the building.

Hello! People.

Look, Kerry's a good kid,

but she's at that age where
there's a lot of peer pressure.

Drugs, sex, you name it.

And as parents, you need
to ask the hard questions.

Kerry, your father and I
are very disappointed...

Oh, my God, it's the hospital.

I have to get back.

But, Kerry, I will be home
tonight and we will talk then, OK?

- You got this?
- Handled.

I got your nose.

- Kerry?
- Dad, can I go to the library?

Just a second. Kerry?

Uh, that's my ride. Bye.

Uh... I've decided you can go.

- Honey?
- What?!

Now come on, I gave you
enough... Just a second.

What? I come in here
to think sometimes.

Get out!

I let you have the
entire afternoon to chill.

Oh, God.

Tell me why you're ditching
school. What's going on, Care Bear?

Stop calling me that!

God, one Halloween costume
at five and it sticks for life.

Do I call you Man
With Ax In Head?

Kerry, I am your father.

You can tell me anything,
anything. Anything?

Stop looking at my
pupils! I'm not on drugs!

I'm not accusing you. Should
I be? I mean, you know, I...

There are certain signs.

You lost interest
in soccer like that.

Yeah, in the third grade. The
coach wouldn't let me play.

You were too little. I
was afraid to send you in.

Well, something's going on
with you, whether it's drugs or...

Are you using this?

My retainer? Yes.

- No, I'm not
using birth control.
- Good.

- So, you...
- No, I don't need
birth control.

Better.

What?

It's funny that you're
worried about me,

when Bridget says stuff
like, "I'm going to the library."

"Hey, babe"?

"Hey, sexy"?

"Dat U?"

"Yes, it me.

Who dis... dawg?"

"Jesse"? "Chatrooms"?

Oh, my God!

- Hello?
- Hey, Dad.

Can you get me at the
mall? Lindsey's car died.

Mall? What happened, and
please try to be coherent.

We were on our way to the
library, but Lindsey's car died

but Amanda and Brooke were getting
a picture taken for Brooke's birthday,

which I want for mine,
they give you a makeover.

Wendy did one with this
cowboy hat, which was so cute.

- When I say coherent... Who's Jesse?
- Skittles.

- Skittles?
- I'm getting Skittles
for the movies.

- Who said you could go?
- I can't help it.

- I'm getting a nosebleed.
- You never listen.

- Who is Jesse?
- Forget it. I'll ride with a stranger.

No, don't you hang
up on me. Don't hang...

God.

- Where you going?
- Out.

- Mall?
- Yeah.

Hey, check this out,
me checking you out.

Checking me out,
checking you out.

Yeah, I'm checking you out.

Kyle!

Hey, security, you've got to
stop that behavior over there

They're holding hands.

Give me your pepper
spray. Just for a minute.

Don't tempt me.

- Hey, Kyle.
- I gotta go.

Hey, check this out.
Me checking you out,

checking me out,
checking you out.

Oh. Hey!

What are you doing here?

Uh... Oh, I just, uh...

I had to pick up a new
screwdriver, the old one wouldn't...

You need a ride home?

Mm-hmm.

- This is nice.
- What?

You usually don't let me
put my arm around you.

Oh, my God.

So, you really never planned
on going to the library, did you?

Sure, she did, right
after her Mensa meeting.

Mensa is a club for geniuses.

- I know what Mensa is.
- Kerry, this is private.

OK.

- Geniuses are really
smart people.
- Kerry! Out!

Bridgie, the truth, come on.

All right, well I was
trying to run into Kyle.

I hoped he'd ask me to the homecoming
dance, but that's not gonna happen.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

She's already going with Dustin.

- Oh, my God!
- Bridget!

You already have a date?

Yeah, but I could
do a lot better.

I mean, come on.

I'm past deadline, sitting
here feeling sorry for you

when you're at the mall
scamming for somebody better?

- Did he say "scamming"?
- He also says "chill."

Eww.

- Look at his pants.
- I know.

All right! Kerry, out!

- Bridget, you are grounded
for a month.
- What? No, no, no.

- One week and I clean my room?
- No negotiating. Three weeks!

- One week, clean my room,
no allowance.
- Two weeks.

Well, let that be
a lesson to her.

All right, now you...

I am sick of your smartass attitude.
You're not going to homecoming either.

- I wasn't going anyway.
- How come?

'Cause it's stupid.

'Cause it's for
idiots. 'Cause, God...

- 'Cause no one asked her.
- Uh, yeah.

- Kerry?
- Go away!

Look, Kerry, come
on, please talk to me.

- You got
to let me in sometimes.
- Leave.

No, stay.

Dad...

do you think I'm pretty?

Well, of course I
think you're pretty.

What about that guy who hugged
you? I bet he thinks you're pretty.

Him?

I'm his friend. I'm
everybody's friend.

No one looks at me.

Well, you know,

maybe if you didn't
dress so baggy.

I mean, you know,

you're starting to get a really
nice... oh, boy... figure, and...

starting to develop
things, so...

Why hide it, I guess.

- Do you want some money?
- Dad!

I remember when you were
born, you had these huge eyes.

These enormous, expressive eyes.

Big, like on monkeys.

No wait, wait. First, see
where I'm going with this.

I got to watch this little girl

catch up to these beautiful eyes

and grow into this
lovely young lady

who looks particularly pretty right now
because, heaven forbid, she's smiling!

A smile that can stop my
heart. Look at that, look at that.

Stop it.

So, in sum, yeah,

I think you're very pretty.

What do you know?
You're, like, 100.

- Dad?
- What?

Do you think I'm pretty?

Get out!

Hey, sweetie.

Paul?

- What's wrong?
- This is a bad place.

- I'm mad at you. Something you said.
- What?

"Let's start a family."

It was a bunch of years ago.

You wanted to keep
going till we had a boy.

And the boy is
fine. It's the girls.

The girls, they don't
seem to like me very much.

Where did you go wrong, Cate?

- So you had a rough day?
- Yes, I did.

So are you saying that I had
the tougher job all these years?

No. You had them
when they were cute.

They've changed.

Now, look, you're just having
problems adjusting to the fact

that your daughters
are becoming women.

That is ridiculous. They
are not becoming women.

Hey, you still
have Rory, the boy.

He's gonna get older and you guys
can hang out at Hooters and drink beers

and come on to waitresses.

- That's true.
- There you go.

But I want the
girls to love me too.

I know.

Hey, Paul, whatever's
going on in their lives,

you just have to trust
that they love you too.

- Yeah, I guess.
- Mom? Dad?

I'm really sorry for ditching
school. I won't do it again.

- Good.
- Glad to hear it.

I'll walk you up.

Good night.

You must have
done something right.

Whoa.

- To what do I owe this honor?
- Daddy?

Oh, God, what do you want?

How about I'm only grounded for a
week? Six days. I didn't go anywhere good.

- Cate!
- I'm going with
the boy you want,

- which is like being grounded.
- Cate!

You know, Lindsey...

Hi, Dad.

Hey, where's your shroud?

- A friend's coming over.
- A boy?

Yeah. Is it OK?

To see you light
up like this? Sure.

He's here! I'm not ready.

Hi, I'm Jesse.

- Chatroom Jesse?
- Yeah.

Hey, is Kerry here?

Mmm... No!