8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012–…): Season 20, Episode 1 - full transcript

This programme contains strong
language and adult humour.

CHEERING, APPLAUSE

Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats
Does Countdown,

Jon Richardson,

Sean Lock,

Joe Wilkinson,

Kerry Godliman,

Mr Swallow,

Susie Dent,

Rachel Riley,

and your host, jimmy-y-y-y Carr!



CHEERING, APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10
Cats Does Countdown,

a show all about letters, numbers
and conundrums.

The show with the host who probably
shouldn't have upset the Autocue lady,

because she controls what I say.

I've got a tiny penis.

Let's get started.
LAUGHTER

Let's meet tonight's players.
OK, first up, it's team captain

Jon Richardson!
CHEERING, APPLAUSE

Jon is from Lancaster.
Cold, boring and wet,

Jon is a valued member of the Countdown
team. LAUGHTER, JOE CHUCKLES

And Jon's team-mate, Joe Wilkinson!

CHEERING, APPLAUSE

Joe's got a unique look, which is
just as well.



You wouldn't want too many of
THOSE wandering round. LAUGHTER

Up against them this evening,
it's team captain Sean Lock!

Thank you.
CHEERING, APPLAUSE

Sean Lock is a man of his word,

and that word is "no".

And joining Sean tonight, it's
Kerry Godliman!

CHEERING, APPLAUSE

Fun fact, Kerry is a big fan of the
Sylvanian Families toys.

Tiny, rat-like creatures that dress
like olde worlde humans.

Well, if we'd know that before, we
would've put you on Jon's team.

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

Sean, how, er, how do you let off
steam?

HE SCOFFS GENTLY

What I like to do when I'm out and
about in the town centre, um...

CHUCKLING

...l, er, I like to go to a bed shop

and see if I can get around the
whole shop

jumping from bed to bed.

Are they fine with that in
the store?

No, they don't have a chance. They don't
know you're gonna do that when you walk in.

You're halfway round the shop before
they've realised what you're up to.

LAUGHTER

As long as you've gone first,

and the people that are with you
are following you...

You go, "Boing, wahhh!"
LAUGHTER

Now, Kerry, your first time on
Cats Does Countdown. Yeah.

Are you gonna be better with the
letters or the numbers?

I reckon, er...letters more than
numbers.

I don't understand numbers,
I don't like numbers.

I don't see the point of numbers.

We should phase them out.

LAUGHTER

Well, I think we need... Up to five
feels reasonable. Yes.

And then it should just go to
"many". Yes! Exactly.

That's how I did my tax return.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
That was the gist.

Joe, has, er...has anyone annoyed
you lately?

Yeah. I, er, I went to a wedding,
recently.

That annoyed me.
LAUGHTER

I'll tell you what annoyed me. How
come, right, at a wedding,

you can throw rice, but you can't
throw a naan bread?

LAUGHTER

When you say that out loud, it
doesn't make any sense at all.

Or...a bit of your Madras.

LAUGHTER, SEAN CHUCKLES

You know what I mean? It annoys me,
but...

They threw me out the church, but,
um...

...didn't bother me, I
wasn't invited. LAUGHTER

Jon, it says here you're now on
lnstagram?

LAUGHTER

That's right, grandad.
LAUGHTER

We just call it The Gram.

So, I posted a picture of a cutlery
drawer which I liked. Erm...

I think...l think we have it, yes.
Oh!

LAUGHTER

ls that your cutlery drawer? No,
that was on holiday.

Oh, right, right. Erm...
LAUGHTER

I can't figure out if that's worse.

What? Little, er...

Well, your cutlery drawer, or you
went away on holiday and went,

"Ooh, hello! Little highlight."
LAUGHTER

That's a rented cottage in Portugal.

I was over the moon with that.

You're thinking, "Shit,
I might have to go to the beach.

"Oh, no, l'lljust stay here for a week.
Thank you very much." LAUGHTER

I don't know
what people thought of that.

I put the picture out,
people liked it.

I put a picture of a butterfly out
I liked. We've got that.

JOE: Red Admiral. lt'S not.
I thought it was.

That's a Red Admiral. It's not.

Fuck you, that's a Red Admiral.
LAUGHTER

It's not a Red Admiral,
it was bigger than...

We've had a Red Admiral
in the garden, I'm not showing off.

That's actually a painted
field mouse. LAUGHTER

Kerry, have you got a mascot? Did
you bring a mascot with you? I did.

Oh, go on, what sort of thing?
Uh, this is my mascot.

Um, this is... Oh.
LAUGHTER

ls he depressed?

This is Loft Dog.

It's lived in the loft of every
house I've ever lived in,

all my life. I mean, I should've
chucked it out years ago.

Whenever I move, I always end up
just... There we go!

I always end up just keeping it.

I don't seem to be able to let it
go, and I really should let it go.

Your producer, when I said
I was gonna bring it, said,

"Oh, has it got a brand or a label
on it, for clearance?"

I said, "lt hasn't got a face."
LAUGHTER

S0 I think we're going to be...
I think we're going to be fine.

And you're not attached to it,
other than...

I've got mixed feelings about it.
Right.

You don't cuddle it or anything?

Oh, God, it's probably riddled
with all kinds of diseases.

I might take you up on that, Joe.

LAUGHTER

Er, Jon, have you got a mascot?
Uh, yes.

So, I'm away a lot, at the moment,
and I miss my daughter,

so I grabbed some of her things,
and I take them with me.

So, this is her teddy, and I take it
on tour with me.

And I take little pictures of him
in the dressing room,

and I tell her that he's keeping me
company.

So, I brought... Teddy, there, is
going to sit and help.

And this is, actually, this is very
clean.

Too clean, to be honest.

Reeks of bleach.

And I've started... She's got to an
age where she draws pictures now.

So, this is...this is her favourite
thing to do.

She gets each crayon out
of the box... JOE GIGGLES

...and she does one little squiggle

and then she puts the lid on
and puts it back,

and she does all of them,

and that's how I know she's mine.
LAUGHTER

Genuinely brings her no
joy whatsoever. LAUGHTER

She started, so she goes through...

And we went to National Space
Centre, Leicester.

So, we go there, and we draw, erm,
space pictures.

So, there's, like...
She loves the moon.

That's the moon, there.
SOME LAUGHTER

Erm, and an alien.
LAUGHTER

That's, er...
Saturn's our favourite planet,

cos of the rings.
So she's done that.

That's a rocket. I thought you'd
like that,

cos it looks a bit like a
willy, doesn't it? LAUGHTER

So, I'll put that one there.

This... Now, I love this.

She's... Her imagination...

So, when I go away now...

This is quite upsetting, but I'm
away gigging at weekends,

and we do this, she's created

a character called Weekend Daddy,
erm...

She drew this at nursery,
and when I leave,

Weekend Daddy comes
to play with her.

LAUGHTER

The imagination's incredible.

He's got a little dog, he's got
a little tool belt there,

that he carries his little tools on,
he's got a tattoo.

There she is on the swing,

and there's Mummy
and Weekend Daddy, there.

I think that's her way of saying
she misses me.

LAUGHTER
What else have I got?

Oh, bollocks, I've brought
the bloody...

I've brought the monitor.

Gonna get bollocked for that
when I get home.

I scooped a load of stuff on.

It won't work from this far,
I don't imagine.

TODDLER: Weekend Daddy!

WOMAN: Oh, flowers for me?
Oh, thanks, Robert.

Yeah, no, he's not in.
No, no, we're OK, yeah.

Oh, how sweet.

LAUGHTER

Robert?
LAUGHTER

Robert?

WHISPERS: Robert?

SUBDUED: Well, that's my mascot.

You should...you should get more
acting work.

LAUGHTER, JON LAUGHS
I know.

APPLAUSE

Aw... Aw, God...

There...there was a minute then,
I thought,

"l might really go for this."

Really go for it!

OK, Sean, have you got a mascot?

You know that there's, erm...

We obviously use language...to tell
people stuff.

KERRY SNIGGERS
Important messages and... Wow.

...are relayed by language.
What an insight.

We also use signs, don't we? Yes.

We use signs, don't we? Yes, we do.

And they're sometimes more powerful
than language, aren't they? Signs?

And, er, we also use
cones...don't we? LAUGHTER

I didn't really think
about the mascot, but...

I did, but I didn't think about
how to introduce it.

I got some cones!
LAUGHTER

Imagine if you had a cone like this!

"Caution. Frosty atmosphere."

LAUGHTER

You know, you'd put it between,
say, urn...

...you and Susie.

Frosty atmosphere.
Or with...with Robert.

SOBBING: Robert!
LAUGHTER

Robert!

You know. Here's another funny cone.

Or this one! If there was...

...a snake loose. And you saw that.

LAUGHTER

You know, you've pulled in
at a service station

and you walk in and you see that.

First of all, you think it means
toilets are being cleaned,

then you read it, you go,

"Snakemloose?! "
LAUGHTER

Funny cone number two.
LAUGHTER

Erm, I've got this one.

Can you pass that to jimmy?

This...this has just been
done, in fairness. LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

Jon, sorry, I didn't have anyone to
give that,

so I gave that to you. Oh, right.

LAUGHTER

Imagine you were at a wedding

and there's a relative you all know
something about,

but no-one wants
to actually, you know,

hit the nail on the head and say it.

You just put this near him.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Sean's cones, everyone.
Sean's cones. APPLAUSE

I thought you'd be going, "Whoaaa!"

HE LAUGHS IN A LADDISH WAY

You're just putting it down?!

It's an opportunity. You're missing
out a gilded opportunity like that?

God.

You've lost your spark.

LAUGHTER

JIMMY CHUCKLES

Funny cones, eh?

Who'd have thought it?
LAUGHTER

Well, I had...l had a feeling you
were going to do funny cones,

as soon as you mentioned that
man, since the dawn of time...

LAUGHTER ..has used
language to communicate ideas.

I thought, "l bet he's gonna do
funny cones!"

Joe. Have you got a mascot? Yeah.

Lads, can you bring it on, please?

Mine's, er...over there.

What have you got?

Dunno yet.
LAUGHTER

By the way, you two have got lovely
bodies. Um...

LAUGHTER

What I've actually brought along is,

I've brought along one of my
parrots.

Er, I've got a load of parrots.

And, um, this one, here...is, er...
LAUGHTER

Chill out, Leslie! Chill out.

So, yeah, this, er, particular
one...

So, I've got 16. This one, Leslie,
I got off a, er -

interesting story - I got off
an East End gangster.

That's why his perch is actually a
sawn-off.

LAUGHTER

He's got a couple of lovely
little... Calm down!

Little, er...

...knuckle-dusters, there. And, er...

Instead of a cuttlefish, he likes
to peck on a human ear.

Does he speak?

Yeah, unfortunately.

LESLIE SQUAWKS
Fuck's talking to you, boy?

Uh, yeah, he's picked up a bit of
bad language

from the, er, gangsters, so...

LESLIE SQUAWKS Are we on
that Countdown bollocks, boy?

Yup. We're the, er... You're the
mascot on it.

HE SQUAWKS At least that
little turd Jon ain't on this week.

No, no, he's here, he's here.

Sorry, Jon. I didn't see you there,
pal.

Fuck me, he's small.
LAUGHTER

All right, Rachel?

I see someone's knocked you up.
LAUGHTER

Any idea who done it?

Can't really say
that, mate.

Do you want me to go round his house
and cut his Jacobs off?

Right, that'll do.
LAUGHTER

LESLIE SQUAWKS Get this
fucking cloth off me, you penis!

LAUGHTER, LESLIE PROTESTS

Sorry. He'll calm...he'll calm down
in a minute.

Shithead. He'll calm down.

Shithead. Shithead. Shithead.
Shithead. Shithead.

He'll fall asleep in a minute.
He'll fall asleep.

Shithead. Shithead. Shithead.
Shithead.

LOUD SNORING

Yeah, he fell asleep...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That one's very mild-mannered.
LAUGHTER

Shithead. All right!

Go back to sleep, you prick.

Joe's parrot, everyone.

CHEERING, APPLAUSE

OK, over in Dictionary Corner,
it's Mr Swallow.

CHEERING, APPLAUSE

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Mr Swallow, what have you been up
to?

Erm, I've been... just same old,
really.

You know, just doing gigs, talks,
seminars.

Er, what else?

SHRILL SINGSONG: Next week,
I kid you not, I'm off to Paris!

Yeah, to do another...
Gone international already.

SHRILLY: Oh, my God!

Erm...l checked out the venue...

Do you need to know this?
Erm, about three weeks ago now.

Went on the Eurostar, from
Pancreas. Who's been on that?

Ooh, my God! What a way to travel!

GRUFF SINGSONG: I forgot
me passport.

Cos it's a train! You don't think,
do you?

You don't think.

GRUFF SINGSONG: I got deported.

So I'm back! Erm...

What else?

We are...

We've got a huge Northern Irish
following!

Genuinely! Selling out almost
in Belfast.

Huge Northern Irish
following, it's really weird.

Erm, I learnt how to say two things
when I was last in Belfast.

I went, er, I learnt how to say,
erm...

STRONG NORTHERN IRISH: Weetabix.
And, erm...

LAUGHTER

And...and erm...

STRONG NORTHERN IRISH: Shredded
Wheat.

LAUGHTER

What did you ask me again?
Sorry, what?

Mr Swallow, everyone.
CHEERING, APPLAUSE

Move on. Move on.

And with Mr Swallow, of course,
it's Susie Dent!

CHEERING, APPLAUSE

Susie, have you ever created your
own word?

At home, do you mean?

Yeah, if you like.
LAUGHTER

Erm, I'm just lamenting the fact
that I've got my glasses on,

cos I can actually see you today.
Which is not a good thing.

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

CHEERING, WHISTLING

So, at home, if anyone had a
tantrum, we went to the growlery. And...

The where, sorry? The growlery.

I took myself to the growlery.

I had no idea about that as a
meaning of growler, until Rachel,

of course, always Rachel, informed
me.

And there followed
this very surreal conversation,

where Rachel was just doubled over
in the corner...

She was doubled over, was she?

Rachel, probably best to explain it
to them rather than show them.

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

And in charge of the numbers, it's
Rachel Riley!

CHEERING, APPLAUSE

Rachel, what's the weirdest thing you've
ever received from a Countdown viewer?

The regular Countdown audience
bring loads of presents.

So, since I said I was pregnant,
they've started knitting me stuff.

But in the early days, I mentioned
that I liked banana jam

and the audience actually made me
banana jam and sent it in.

B-Banana jam?

Do you eat the jam they've made?
Some of it.

Is that how this happened?
LAUGHTER

Hang on, this isn't banana jam.
It's gone everywhere.

AUDIENCE GROANS

It's tummy banana jam!
LAUGHTER

I don't know what banana jam is,
incidentally. No.

I've never heard of such a thing.
What is banana jam?

Jam made out of bananas.

Do you think it's the sort of
product, in a No-Deal Brexit,

that could really save this country?
LAUGHTER

OK, the prize that teams will be
competing for tonight is this,

the Countdown Panpipes!

CHEERING, APPLAUSE

HE PLAYS TUNELESSLY

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

Countdown!

JON HUMS THEME
That was the Countdown theme.

Fuck off. Get back on and play that
again!

HE PLAYS THEME TUNE

No. No way.

HE PLAYS THEME, JOE CACKLES

That's the one. That's it. That's
the one. LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

All right, let's Countdown,
everyone. Time for our first game.

Sean, Kerry, you get the first pick
of the letters.

Can I have a consonant, please?

S. And a vowel. U.

Consonant. D.

Consonant. R.

A vowel, please. E.

Thanks.

How many vowels have I got left?
You need at least one more.

OK, I'll have a consonant, then.
LAUGHTER

L. ls this my last go?

No, you've got three more.
Oh.

Just keep going. Yeah, OK, I'll
have another consonant. Yep.

And then I'll have a vowel. S. This
is really good.

I. And then a consonant, please.

Lovely choosing. T.

And for the first time today, here's
the Countdown clock.

MUSIC: You're The Best
by Joe Esposito

# Try to be best
cos you're only a man

# And a man's got to learn to take
it

# History repeats itself

# Try and you'll succeed

# Never doubt that you're the one

# And you can have your dreams

# You're the best around

# Nothing's gonna ever keep you down

# You're the best around

# And nothing's gonna ever keep you
down

# You're the best around

# Nothing's gonna ever keep you
down. #

APPLAUSE

WHOOPING, WHISTLING

Cobra Kai can suck my cock!

LAUGHTER

ls that not the line
from The Karate Kid?

I forget, it's been a long time.

LAUGHING: It's been ages since
I've seen it.

It was the joy you took
in saying it!

LAUGHTER

Aw. Your head went back.
LAUGHTER

"Suck my cock, Cobra Kai."
LAUGHTER

Well, l-l thought I did a very
good job.

Sean, how many?

Uh, I'm gonna go for an eight.

Kerry, how many?

A five's good! Six.

LAUGHTER
Yes.

Jon, how many? Seven.

Uh, Joe, how many? I've got a risky
seven or a five.

Risky, go risky. Cool.

OK, so, Kerry, what's your word?

RUSSET.

OK, excellent. Joe, your risky
seven?

STUDERS.
LAUGHTER

It wasn't just risky, it was shit.
LAUGHTER

Ironically, my other word was
TURDS.

OK, Jon, your seven?

SLIDERS. Oh, that's incredible.

SLIDERS.

Sean Lock, your eight. For the win,
for the points.

STRUDELS.
Eight points to Sean.

APPLAUSE, WHOOPING

Mr Swallow, Susie Dent, could they
have done any better?

No. No, not really. There's three
more eights.

DILUTERS, SURLIEST, STUDLIER.

Erm...

...that's it!

LAUGHTER

So, at the end of that, Sean and
Kerry are in the lead with eight!

APPLAUSE

OK, onto our first numbers round.

Jon, Joe, your turn to pick the
numbers.

A big 'un. Yeah.

And then not big 'uns.

And then five little 'uns? Yeah.
Well, we prefer the term "not big."

Sorry. All right, the not big
ones...

JOE:

HE CLICKS TONGUE

I can do you a 6
and there's your 10, Joe.

And another 10!

Free.

Another 6, 9... Have you
shuffled these?

And 50.

And the target. Oh, dear. 847.
LAUGHTER

OK, and your time starts...now.

So, the target was 847.

Did you get it, Kerry? No.

Sean? Did you get it? I got 850.

850. OK. Joe?

Uh, I got 9...979, and I'm prepared

to show my workings out.

You've just written 979. Mm-hm.
LAUGHTER

1°", did you get it?

I got 846. Did you?

Yeah. OK, you're just one away. How
did you do it?

Ten times nine.

1OX9=9O

9O - 6...

90-6=84

x10

x10 = 840

And add the other 6.
One away! 846.

APPLAUSE

Seven points there for you, Jon,

and you got a patronising
"One away!" from Rachel,

which I think she only does
when she has the answer.

No, that wasn't patronising,
that's the best you could've done.

So it just couldn't be done?
No, couldn't be done.

There's about 2% of the
one large ones that can't be done.

OK, Jon and Joe have seven. Sean

and Kerry in the lead with eight!

APPLAUSE, CHEERING

INAUDIBLE

And here is your teaser.

The words are WANG LILO.
The clue is - can I have a go?

That's WANG LILO. Can I have a go?

See you after the break.
APPLAUSE, WHOOPING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back!

The answer to the tease...

The words were WANG LILO,
the clue was - can I have a go?

...was, of course, ALLOWING.

OK, so Sean and Kerry
are in the lead.

They've been playing in teams so far

but this game is just for
Sean and Joe.

So, Joe, your turn to choose.
Sean, your turn to win.

LAUGHTER
Joe's got a nine before!

Everyone forgets this.

Have I?

I must have got arseholed
afterwards.

RACHEL LAUGHS

ARSEHOLED's a nine! Yeah.

Gonna write that down just in case.
LAUGHTER

Can I have a vowel?

You can indeed, Joe. Oh, it begins.

E

We're on track for ARSEHOLED.

Yeah, still in it.

Er, consonant, please.

...

A hole. Yep. Come on!

LAUGHTER

Er, consonant?

S. Yes!
AUDIENCE CHEERS

Er, wait!

Whoa - vowel!

Ooh, vowel!

Aww!
GROANS AND LAUGHTER

That's the first time we've had
fun on this show, isn't it?

LAUGHTER

Never mind, let's plough on.

Consonant, please.

Vi!

Err...vowel?

Please.

E

Oh, co... Oh, vowel, vowel.
Vowel? OK.

Vowel, and then a... O.

And you have to have another one. There's not
a word there, is there? Consonant, please.

I\I

Rachel, do you fancy
a bit of karaoke?

Yeah, yeah. Sure. All right.

Ah, lovely.

Have we started?

Your, erm...

Your time starts now.

MUSIC PLAYS

HIGH-PITCHED:
# Don't go breaking my heart

LOW-PITCHED:
# I couldn't if I tried

# Oh, honey, I get restless

# Baby, you're not that kind

# Do, do, do, do, do...

# Oh-hoo
# Oh-oh

# Nobody knows it
# Nobody knows it

# Nobody knows it

# Right from the start

# I gave you my heart

# Don't go breaking my heart! #
# Don't go breaking my heart! #

STILL HIGH-PITCHED: Rachel,
I think your balls have dropped.

NORMAL VOICE: Finally!

NORMAL VOICE: Joe, how did you do?
How many?

I've got a risky seven.

It's not a seven, basically.

LAUGHTER
OK, Sean, how many?

OK, what have you got, Joe?

SWOONER.

SWOONER?

I like it. Could be a word.

No, it's not.
It should be in, I agree.

Sean, what is your seven?

No, I had SWOONER as well.
I put SWOONER. Yeah, sorry.

So, no points to anyone,

but at Dictionary Corner -
Mr Swallow, Susie Dent,

could they have done
any better than nothing?

I can't spell that.

Nah, don't look right to me, that.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, one-erous.
Don't think that's a word.

What a shame, no words.

OK, so at the end of that Jon and
Joe are on 7, Sean and Kerry on 8.

APPLAUSE

Right, now time for Jon and Kerry
to go head-to-head.

Kerry, your turn to pick
the numbers.

OK, erm...

WHISPERING:
Two numbers, please.

Two...?
WHISPERING:

Two big ones, four small!

Am I correct in saying if you
don't get this, we can fire you?

I don't think so.

I'm just checking! l'lljust, you know, next
time, if I don't get it l'lljust ask you.

I'm sure you'll have got it. Yeah...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You want the numbers?

Yeah, go on.

We've got 5...

...6, 7 - you with me so far?

LAUGHTER
75... ..and 50.

And the target's 712.

OK, your time starts...now.

1°", did you get it?

Kerry, did you get it? Yeah.

You got it as well?

Well, Kerry, let's...

Are you not even gonna
bother asking me?

Well, no, because you're
not playing this round.

Am I not? N0!
LAUGHTER

KERRY MUTTERS: Take off the six...

"This round is just for Kerry
and Jon," meant...

LAUGHTER

Kerry, how did you do it?
OK, I'm gonna tell you how I did it.

Yeah, tell me how you did it. OK.

Just tell me now. I'm gonna
tell you right now. Straight away.

OK, right, here we go.
You're doing it? OK.

Yes, we're doing it. So, 9 x 75...

How'd you get your 9?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Right, start again!

I mean...

...that is falling at the first.

I mean, he can help you.

So how'd you get your 9,
then, Kerry? OK, so, er...

How'd you get your 9?
What does that say, Sean?

LAUGHTER

Kerry, I wanna believe...

4+5!=9

x 75... x 75!

675. This is happening!

+50

00:30:11,393 --> 00:30:13,753
- 6. Yep. - 7

Perfect, well done! 712.

That was good, wasn't it?

LAUGHTER

Jon, how did you do it?

J06. no helping!

6+4=1O

00:30:40,804 --> 00:30:41,889

00:30:44,273 --> 00:30:45,443
Nicely done!

So, it's 10 points to Jon.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
SEAN:

JON:

It was the, "4 + 5...where's the 9
from? Argh, argh, argh, argh!"

I was panicking!

LAUGHTER

Are we not gonna release
the lion tonight, then?

In fairness, though, Sean, the rest
of life not going so well for him.

LAUGHTER

What about weekend daddy,
that... just let him have it.

JON:

LAUGHTER

Good with his hands, though.

LAUGHTER

OK, so Sean and Kerry have 8.
Jon and Joe are in the lead with 17.

Yeah!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE DROWN SPEECH

Time now to go across
to Dictionary Corner.

Mr Swallow, what have
you got for us?

LAUGHTER

JIMMY LAUGHS

Yes.

Sure.

I would say it's under the cup.

Under the cup.

It's on top of the cup.

And what's...?

How long...

I guess...

We have to...

I think we agreed this studio
audience has to die,

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

Under the cup.

A third time?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Erm...

Yes!

Satsuma.

Satsuma.

INCOHERENT HISSING

Satsuma.

Satsuma.

LAUGHTER

Mr Swallow, everyone!

The scores at the moment - Sean and
Kerry are on 8, Jon and Joe on 17.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

And here's your teaser...

The words are BITE DUNG, the clue is
there's a first time for everything.

That's BITE DUNG -
there's a first time for everything.

See you after the break.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome back. The answer to
the teaser. The words were BITE DUNG.

The clue was - there's
a first time for everything.

It was, if course, DEBUTING.

OK, on with the game. Sean and Kerry,

your turn to choose the letters.

Vowel, please.

A

Consonant, please.

D

Vowel.

E

Consonant.

H

Vowel.

O

Consonant.

C

Consonant.

J

Consonant.

R

Consonant.

And the last one...

T

And your time starts now.

Sean, how many letters?

Six. Six. OK, Kerry. How many?

Four.

Four? Yeah!

You know we televise this?
People are gonna see it. Joe.

LAUGHTER

JOn.

I have got a short, fat word

and a seven.

What's the short, fat word?

CHODE

LAUGHTER

CHOD. ls it a word?

Not... CHOD? Not, no.

No.

We did have that.
You did suggest "Chode" once

as the past participle for "chide."

Yes.

LAUGHTER

What, when women
speak to each other?

Definitely not.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Susie Dent!

Kerry, what's your word?

I've got two words that are four.
Can I have both? Yeah, go on.

HEAD and COAT.

Very good. Thank you.
Sean, what did you get?

THREAD. THREAD.

JOE:

And Jon, your seven?

TORCHED

So, seven points to Jon.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Mr Swallow. Mm-hm. Susie Dent.

Could they have done any better?

Erm, well, there is an eight there
with CHORDATE, with an "H",

and it is a category of animals
that includes the sea squirts.

At the end of that, Jon and Joe
are in the lead with 24.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, time to go across once again
to Dictionary Corner.

Mr Swallow, what have you got
for us? Yeah,

so I've always... I've actually
always been fascinated by numbers,

so I, like a lot of people,

first learnt how to count
when I was at school.

Cos you're young and stuff, you're often taught
rhymes and mnemonics to help you if you get stuck.

This was one that they used to use
quite a lot when I was younger.

The only thing I will say

is that I do find this somewhat

mathematically misleading.

I mean, the first thing to say
is that all of that, right,

that is too much, OK?

You know, if somebody's getting me
that every Christmas, right,

I'm gonna start to ask questions.
Where do we even start on this?

# On the first day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me

# A partridge in a pear tree. #

Right, well that is
two things, innit?

So, already it doesn't add up, yeah?

Don't assume that I've got a tree.
- a pear tree, as well -

for this bird,
that you got me, to nest in.

I don't even have a garden.

It's not a great start.
I'm all the way at the top.

# On the twelfth day of Chris... #

Let's not forget, 12th day of
Christmas, January the 5th, that is,

OK? Schools have gone back!

Let's take the decorations down
and move on.

Stop offloading
all your unwanted gifts.

# On the 12th day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me

#12 drummers drumming
11 pipers piping

# 10 lords a-leaping
9 ladies dancing. #

Sorry, and where is all this
happening, by the way?

Have you hired somewhere or what?

Or is this happening in my kitchen?
No way!

Get out!
What's all this down here?

# Four calling birds. #

What are they?

# Three French hens
# Two turtle doves. #

What is it with all the birds?

I'm not joking, you get that many different
species of bird into an enclosed space,

they turn into right
sons of bitches, believe you me.

That's before you get onto these...

# Seven swans-a-swimming
Six geese-a-laying. #

What am I gonna do with seven swans?

No, get me one next year,
I mean it, and kill it first.

Have it spatchcocked.

# Eight maids a-milking. #

Right, and what are they milking?

OK, presumably not themselves.

LAUGHTER

Or the birds.

So, that's it. Cows or something
that you haven't factored into this.

Right, more mouths to feed
by old muggins, here. No!

Sorry, this carol's absolute
mathematical bullshit.

I am trying to enjoy Christmas

and you basically made my house,
my flat, actually,

into a fully-functioning farm!

# Five gold rings! #

This is more like it, in a way.

Final thing to say on this
and then I'll stop.

# On the first day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me

# A partridge in a pear tree. #

All right, fine, I get it.
You wore me down. However...

# On the second day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me

# Two turtle doves and... #

Oh, what, so, another, then?

# Partridge in a pear tree. #

N0. no, no, no, no, no, no.

So, the rules are pretty clear
on this.

This, this is actually
cumulative, right?

That's two partridges I've got
by day two, if you think about it.

Fast forward to the 5th of Jan,
when I'm meant to be back at work,

and this is what I've got to
contend with if you add it all up.

This is the cumulative effect

of an apparently harmless
Christmas carol. I've made a graph.

LAUGHTER

So, it peaks around swans and geese.

That is not ideal.

If you add all that up,
and you can check this,

that amounts to a grand total
of 364 individual gifts, basically.

So, that is one gift for
every day of the year,

bar one day,
if you think about it,

and on that one day,

that one single day when
I do not have to accept a gift,

I now call that Christmas Day.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Move on. Move on.

Mr Swallow, everyone.

And here is your final teaser.

The words are ECO FARTS.
The clue is - it might get windy.

That's ECO FARTS.
It might get windy.

See you after the break.

APPLAUSE

Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser -

the words were, ECO FARTS,
the clue was, "lt might get windy."

It was, of course, FORECAST.

OK, time for our final letters game.

Jon, Joe - your turn to choose.

Well, I know how much
Joe, erm, needs the toilet.

So I'd like to really
take my time over this, please.

A constipant, please.

LAUGHTER

/

Er, and a bowel movement.

C

Consonant.

S

A vowel.

A

I\I_

G-

I

And B.

OK, and your 30 seconds starts now.

Right.

Get some fucking washing done.

LAUGHTER

WASHING MACHINE CLANGS

I can see...
I can see what's the matter.

Ooh, shit.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Argh.

That was...yeah,
it was on a hot wash.

APPLAUSE

Jon, do you wanna buy a jacket?

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Yeah. OK.

Um, obviously, don't try that
at home, because, uh...

...it didn't look very realistic.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Uh, Jon, how many?

Six.

Joe, how many?

OK. Kerry, how many?

Five.

Sean?

OK, Kerry. What's your five?

VEINS

VEINS. Yes.

Sean, your six?

Jon, your six?

VEGANS

"Oh, God, stop banging on about it,
you dickhead."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Fucking Jesus.

6 points to both teams.

Susie, Mr Swallow -
could they have done any better?

CEASING.

Seven was the best we could do.

OK, so, Sean and Kerry have 14,

Jon and Joe have 30.

APPLAUSE

OK, fingers on buzzers. It's time
for today's Countdown Conundrum.

Your time starts...

...l'10W.

SEAN RINGS BUZZER

Let's have a look, shall we?

APPLAUSE

Oh! Sneaky move!

So, the final scores are -
Sean and Kerry have 24,

but the winners tonight,

Jon and Joe, have 30!

We won.

APPLAUSE

Jon and Joe, you're now
the proud owners of this,

the Countdown Pan Pipes!

That's it from us. Goodnight!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media