8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012–…): Season 19, Episode 6 - Episode #19.6 - full transcript

Sean Lock and his BFF, Harriet Kemsley, face Jon Richardson and Chris McCausland. Cinephile Nick Helm joins Susie Dent in Dictionary Corner, Rachel Riley is at the Countdown Board and Jimmy Carr hosts. Giant Joe Wilkinson also drops by.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats
Does Countdown,

Sean Lock,

Jon Richardson,

Harriet Kemsley,

Chris McCausland,

Nick Helm, Susie Dent,

Rachel Riley, and your host,

Jimmy Carr!

Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10
Cats Does Countdown,

a show all about letters,
numbers and conundrums.



OK, let's meet tonight's players.

First up is team captain,
Jon Richardson.

Jon Richardson is one of life's
winners, sorry, whiners.

And Jon's team-mate
Chris McCausland.

Chris used to work as a
website designer

until his eyes deteriorated. So Mum
was right, it can make you go blind.

Website designer's a nice euphemism,
isn't it?

Ah, mate, I'm in too deep, I'm going
to keep on going until I'm deaf.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Up against them this evening it's
team captain Sean Lock.

Thank you.

Sean Lock has
a mind like a steel trap

and a face like something that was
once caught in a steel trap.

And with Sean, of course,
it's Harriet Kemsley.



Harriet has dyspraxia.

Remind me, Susie,
is that one of the ones you gave me?

LAUGHTER

Harriet, what have you been up to
recently?

I went to a wedding
a few weeks ago.

Right. Which was nice, but, right,

it was weird, because I'd slept with
three of the men there

and it was a small wedding,
it was mainly family and,

I was like, this is mad though,
like,

what an achievement,
I should tell somebody.

Erm, and so I was quite drunk, and I
text my husband, erm... but I got

my tenses wrong because I was drunk
and so I just said,

"I've slept with three men at
this wedding, exclamation mark".
Phone died.

OK, Sean, tell us something
surprising about yourself?

Well, I think you'll find this
rather surprising.

You weren't at a wedding, were you?
No!

No, I, er... I... Yeah, I've been
on those, those ancestry websites.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, and you send off a
sample of your DNA,

which I did. I had to do it twice
because...

Well, I always get saliva and the
other stuff mixed up.

And they sent it back with quite an
angry letter actually.

It's just a thing, I've always got
them mixed up. I go, "Which...?
Oh, God, which one's...?"

That's why my wife does
the Christmas cards.

It used to take me days.

I'd have to start in November.

Anyway...

And I got it back and there's a
couple of things

I expected like, 21% English,
20% Irish.

But then I was like 4% breadcrumbs.

OK. All right.

Chris, it's your first time on the
show. Do you think

you're going to be better at the
letters or the numbers?

I can't see either of them.

And, as far as I've been able to
figure out,

that's kind of fundamental to the
whole game.

I can't even make notes.

And I like the way you've even
given me some paper and a pen,

just to rub salt into the wounds,
you know?

Just keep yourself entertained,
Chris.

If you could draw us
a nice picture of some string.

Did the lights just great brighter
or am I having...

am I having.... That got really
bright then, yeah? No.

Harriet, have you got a mascot?

Yeah, I do. I felt bad for Sean,
because I'm a bad team-mate,

because I'm bad.

Erm, so I got him gifts.

Oh. To make it better, so that you
still want to be my friend.

Erm, so this is for you.
Oh, thanks.

I know you love Chelsea Football
Club, but I couldn't get

you tickets, so I got you the next
best thing,

a Made In Chelsea DVD.

Oh, Made in Chelsea? Yeah.

It's Made in Chelsea. Yeah. It's
those brilliant guys.

Yeah, just like, yeah. And they're
funny and they're charming.

Yeah, yeah. And they're just what
I like them.

Just pop that over there, yeah, OK?

Not the only present.
Oh, really?

So this is another present for you.

Let's be honest, this is more
presents than I got on my birthday.

So, this is,
this is a couple of things.

Oh. A hat, to keep
your head warm in winter,

because you don't have much hair.
Erm...

I've got a hat.

And then also, a framed picture.

It's too fucking small.

What I have got is a massive head.

Oh, that... Do you know what?

Not a lot of people look good in
that and...

Yeah... you are no exception.

You look like a kettle, kind of.

I do. And then this is a framed
photo, of me and you

as Harry Potter and Hermione.
At Hogwarts, oh.

That was a lovely afternoon,
I remember that.

We found out you were Hufflepuff,
it was... Yeah, yeah.

So, you can remember that.

Thank you very much.
No, that's not it.

It feels now like we're visiting
Sean after some

sort of dreadful accident.

Oh, it's one of those, isn't it?

It's a best friend necklace.

Aw!

So, you have one half and I have the
other and it's solid gold,

you don't ever have to take it off.

I've never saw these before,
nobody's ever wanted to...

That's really sad, actually. Yeah.
No, I don't think so.

I think it's possible to
have a friendship... Yeah.

..without having a necklace to
commemorate it.

Most, most people would just
say thank you. Yeah.

Would you put the necklace on for
me? Yep.

I feel like I'm being
turned into something here.

It's nice for you.

Do you know what? My money was
not on Harriet grooming you, but...

..it's what's happened.

APPLAUSE

I might put this... I might put this
somewhere.

On a mantelpiece? Yeah, yeah, yeah,
definitely, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, that's the floor.

I might not wear this either,
because this studio's very hot.

I probably don't need it,
with my lovely thick hair.
But you'll keep your necklace on.

My lovely thick hair will
keep me warm.

Sean, have you got a mascot?
Yeah, I do Jimmy.

What I've done, Jimmy, I've come up
a, you know, a review site,

it's called Sean Advisor, right?

And it's, I just go out and review
stuff.

So like TripAdvisor, but just you?
Yeah, it's just me doing it,

but it's only out of two stars.

So, my first thing I reviewed
was the Palace of Versailles.

A wonderful building,
beautiful gardens.

Only one star because I bought an
Aero out of the vending machine,

it said B3 was peppermint,
but it was actually B4.

So, they lost a whole star for that.

The Palace of Versailles?

Yes, you know, it's got things
going for it, but, hmm.

"A shuttlecock bought
from Geoff's Sporting Goods.

"Under-feathered,
makes for a wonky flight."

"No stars."

And I can hear a gentleman's been to
Geoff's and had the same problem.

The gerbil, actually as a species.

Well, why not?

"A classy rodent, fits easily
in pocket, unless wearing jeans.

"Gives a satisfying nip,
but a bit too pleased with itself."

"Could do with a thicker tail.

"Half a star."

Do you hear that, Jon?
You got half a star.

"A strolling lesbian couple
I saw in the park."

"Cleaned up their dog's mess
and bid me good morning.

"Would recommend.
One and a half stars."

This is the lift in my local Boots.

"Simple to operate,
ascent smoother than descent.

"No music, unflattering mirror.

"Only goes up one floor, barely had
time to urinate in corner."

"Half a star."

This is the only thing that gets
two stars, which is

Durdle Door in Dorset.

"Very satisfying bit of erosion."

Look at that, isn't that wonderful?

And, "You can see the top of it from
the pub car park.

"Well done, nature. Two stars."

SeanAdvisor, everyone. SeanAdvisor.

Chris, have you got a mascot?

Ah, yes, I've got,
I've got two, Jimmy. I...

A couple of superheroes that I've
made with my own fair hands.

It's taken me about 12 years.

I like the idea of superheroes,

but I'm not big on the currant
crop of them.

I find that they're all a little bit
too action-packed, too much CGI.

You know, my wife's dragged me
a few times to the cinema

and there's just lots of explosions
and bangs and wallops, I might

as well stay at home and put the
knives and forks in the microwave.

I've tried to tone it down a little
bit, you know, bring it down

to real life and so this is the,
this is the main guy.

This is Carbon Monoxide
Detection Man.

Now, just in case its not too
obvious, his special power is

he can detect carbon monoxide
from about six and a quarter miles.

Cause he just turns
up at people's houses

and opens all the windows.

This is his sidekick,
Smoke Detector Boy.

Now, Smoke Detector Boy, he just
tags along, but what happens,

he's not a lose of use,
he just he just tends to

stand in the hall shouting
"Toast! Toast! Toast!"

And what happened is they come with
an accessory...

which is a little tea towel

and the only way you can get
Smoke Detector Boy

to be quiet, you've gotta hit him
in the face with the tea towel

over and over again.
I've only got two hands.

But you Carbon Monoxide Detector
Man. Yes!

Always alert to the
dangers of carbon monoxide.

Absolutely! You're on the money.

You take that
and I'll be Smoke Detector Boy

and you've got to, like, get me
to shut up with the tea towel.
All right.

So, toast! Toast! Toast! Toast!

I think I... Stop, stop!
You're going to have to do some
sound effects, mate,

I don't know when you're hitting me.
Toast! Toast!

Toast! Oh, toast!

Jon, have you got a mascot?
Well, sort of, Jimmy.

People always er... No, they don't.

Sometimes people talk to me, erm,
and what they say is,

"Oh, I bet your house is full of
old tea pots and Countdown prizes."

Well, it is actually, and it's
beginning to piss me off.

So, if you don't mind, cause we've
done so many of these shows,

I'm just bring back some of the
prizes I've won

that I just frankly have no use for.

So, I've bought in the
Countdown bag and frankly,

you can have some of these
things back. So, in the bag

I've got me, well, these Countdown
boxer shorts. I'll be honest,

I've ridden these absolutely
within an inch of their life.

They make me itch.

Anyway, I don't want them
any more. You keep them.

A Countdown basketball I won that
a few episodes ago.

I'll tell you now, the Venn diagram
of people

who are good at Countdown
and basketball is two circles.

Now, this is the, erm...
The... I won this a while back,

the Countdown ladder.

It was helping me get to things
cause I'm small,

it goes even bigger than that.

Oh, it's heavier than it was
earlier!

You'd think they'd
be lightweight, wouldn't ya, them?

But, no, I don't need me
Countdown ladder. Whoa!

And this I won, the old Countdown
bowling ball, do you

remember that? I've actually decided
I might keep this, so...

are you ready?

I mean, this guy, because of the
height of this, you can

only get a six-year-old in there,
so, are you ready to catch, Cecil?

You all right? Ooh!

Somewhere in here... Series 3,
I think, I put it in there

and I can't find... My old dignity
was in there. I had dignity.

HE CHUCKLES

Oh! Oh, that's gotta hurt,
hasn't it?

Oh! Ow!

APPLAUSE
Did you did you find it?

Over in Dictionary Corner,

he loves a laugh but hates a bath,
it's Nick Helm!

Fuck off.

Nick, what have you been up to
recently?

Recently I've been, er, trying to
better myself.

So, one of the things was the last
time we saw each other,

we worked out something where,
we worked out that you,

actually, have never seen a single
film, have you? Mm-hm, mm-hm.

And, then we worked out that I
haven't read a single book. Mm.

So I have spent the last year
just reading as many

books as I can get my hands on.
What have you read, Nick?

Well, I've read, I've read
Sense And Sensibility. Mm.

And I read Twilight.

And It Chapter Two and
The Secret Life Of Pets.

And then I read Demolition Man,
so... so we're all up to speed there.

And with Nick Helm, of course,
it's Susie Dent!

Susie, what do you think is
the ugliest language?

Everyone says German. German was
my first love and it's beautiful.

Well, give us, give us an example
of a beautiful German phrase.

Just very recently I heard the
Teletubbies have reached

Germany as well, so they have this
brilliant phrase which is

Teletubbyzuruckwinker, which is
their term for an idiot

and it's somebody who waves back at
the Teletubbies.

That's a little child though.

Yeah, it's a child,
but it's, I think it's...

They're cruel, the Germans.

They're brilliant people.

Awful people.
Do they have a different...

They'll do it again!

Sure as eggs is eggs.

They're lying low.

OK. And in charge of the numbers
it's Rachel Riley.

Rachel, is it difficult buying
clothes now that you're pregnant?

I quite like it. I mean, it's a good
excuse to go shopping,

because obviously
a lot of my stuff doesn't fit.

So, I have to kind of buy
things as I go.

So, I bought this last week
when I was shopping with Pash.

But I put it on, I was like,
you know, "What do you think?
Do you like it?'"

And he said it looks like one
of those scientific diagrams

where a heavy object bends
space-time.

So, he basically said
I look like a black hole.

OK, the prize the teams will be
competing for tonight is this,

the Countdown American football kit.

OK, time for the first game.

Jon, Chris, you get to pick
the letters.

Chris. Yes, mate.
Please pick.

OK, I'll have a consonant, please.

R

A vowel.

I

Consonant.

L

Consonant.

S

Please can I have a vowel?

E

A consonant.

D

Consonant.

X

Consonant.

C

And a vowel.

We've got RIL SED X-C...

U

Let's go before I forget them.

OK, for the first time today,
here's the Countdown Clock.

Ah, right, let's get this done.

Whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa. Oh, Christ.

Oh, fuck.

Ah! Sorry, Chris,
I should explain, sometimes...

CHRIS LAUGHS

Chris, you're, you're in a lot
of danger.

I sometimes go sky diving
during the 30 seconds.

I have watched at home
and I'll be honest, there is

massive bits that I haven't got
a clue what's going on.

How many letters?

Do you know what, I think
I've got a six there?

You've got a six? I think so.
All right.

Jon, how many?
I'll try a seven.

Harriet, how many?
I got a six.

Sean? Six.

Chris, your six. SLIDER.
Is that up there?

SUSIE: Yeah. CHRIS: Get in!

Ah, Harriet, your six?

CURSED

Very nice. Thank you.

Sean, your six?

CURLED

CURLED. Nice.

You just copied me.

No, cos it's a different word, look.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, hey, you're best friends,
remember?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

If you forget, just put your
necklaces together, see if they fit.

Yeah.
SEAN CHUCKLES

Sean, look, you've got to just lean
over and put them together,

cos then it's...
That's what friends do.

I feel like I'm being groomed into a
me-too scenario here.

Friends. Aw, that's nice!

Aw, you fit perfectly, don't you?
Yeah, it's nice. Yeah.

Does it feel right?
It feels so right.

It just feels right.

Yeah. All right.
Jon, your seven?

It's when a couple have an argument
and one of them is sent

to sleep in a different bedroom,
that partner has been SEXILD.

SEXILD?

It's not there, Jon, I'm afraid.

Oh. Could they have done any better?

Yeah. There were two sevens.
There was CRUISED. Yep.

And then SLUICED. As in,
"She SLUICED herself in the bidet."

OK. So at the end of that,
Jon and Chris have 6 points,

Harriet and Sean have 6 points.

OK, onto our first numbers round.

Sean, Harriet, your turn to pick the
numbers.

What, what am I meant to say? Two
big and four, and four small. Oh.

Two big... Two big and four small.
OK. We've got...

6, 7,

2, 5,

75 and 25,

and the target 736.

OK, and your time starts now.

OK, so the target was 736.

Chris, did you get it?
I think I've got 735, Jimmy.

735? OK. Jon, did you get it?

Yes, I also have 735.

OK, Sean, did you get it?

Er... I've got...

7... 3... 2.

OK. Harriet, did you get it?

I think I got 737 or 735. OK.

So, Chris, how did you do it?

I did the 75 + 25 + 5.

Yep, 105. And times'd it by 7.
735, one away, well done.

There you go. That's good.

Harriet, how did you do it?

If you have the number 5
and you times it by 2,

you make the number 10. Yep. And
then 7 x, 75 x 10 = 750.

And then... the 6 and the 7 are...

Yeah... 13 and then it's... Yeah.

Well done. 737. 737.

It was one off, but I wrote it down.

Well, 7 points to both teams.

Rachel, could that be done?

It was there, Jimmy.

If you say 75 x 5 = 375.

Take away 7, for 368 and times
it by 2 for 736.

Time now to go across to
Dictionary Corner.

Nick Helm, what have you got for us?

Oh, well, Jimmy, I have
written a poem. Oh, lovely.

This is a poem called
You're Back Late.

You're, you're back late,

W`Where have you been?

No, no, no, you're just back late,
that's all.

No, I`I'm not keeping tabs on you,
I was just...

No, I was just asking.

No, no, I'm sorry, I was just, I was
just worried about you, that's all.

No, I... No, I didn't mean to
overstep the mark.

No, you're just a bit later
than I thought you'd be.

Well, that's... It's just you could
have texted or phoned.

Yeah, no, no, I know you don't
always have reception.

You're just a bit later than
I thought you'd be.
I was going to cook.

DON'T FUCKING LEAVE ME!

That's You're Back Late.

Nick Helm, everyone.

And here is your teaser. The words
are DONG EXIT. The clue is -

I feel better already.

That's DONG EXIT - I feel
better already.

See you after the break.

Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser,

the words were DONG EXIT, the
clue was - I feel better already.

It was, of course, DETOXING.
OK, the scores are tied,

13 apiece.

Chris, how are you finding
Countdown? OK, Jimmy, to be honest.

I've... I've started off better
than I thought I might do,

but, you know, as you know,
I'm doing it all in me head.

And so, I had an idea that
maybe it might be good

to, you know, level the
playing field a little bit,

so I brought some blindfolds
with me, Jimmy.

I've got them here, yes.

So, we were going to ask everyone
to play blindfolded.

Right. Yeah, sure.

OK, there you go. Yeah, yeah.

OK, so blindfolds on, everyone.

Harriet, your turn to choose.

It's a bit tight, my blindfold.

One of the advantages of being blind

is you can't actually
feel it on your face.

I cheated once at Blind Man's
Buff when I was a kid.

And I won a packet of, erm...

fig rolls.

LAUGHTER

Then I snuck off and
I ate them all on me own

and I was sick.

And do you know what lesson
I learnt from that?

I don't like fig rolls.

OK, Harriet,
you're picking the letters.

How do I do that?

You just say "vowel"
and "consonant".

You don't use your eyes.

If it was the kind of Countdown

where we have to let Rachel know
by eye movements, then...

Harriet, pick the letters.

Um... four vowels...

No, don't do that.

That's the way to do it... Sorry.
Let's rush through it!

I'm worried someone's
going to creep up on me.

LOUDLY: It won't be me!

Um, one vowel...

A

JON: She said one vowel!

So don't make it harder.

SEAN: I've just realised,
I'm writing them down,

but I've got my pen up
round the wrong way.

Jimmy, this is the worst idea
I've ever had.

And another vowel, please...
No, a consonant, please.

S

S. And a vowel, please.

O

AS O. And a consonant, please.

H

AS O... H.

LAUGHTER

And...

As oh!

A consonant, please.

D

Consonant.

P

A consonant.

S

Another vowel, please.

E

AS OH DPS... E.

LAUGHTER

Another one, please.

You can have an O or a R.

It doesn't matter, at this point.
R. R.

OK, your time starts now.

SHE MUMBLES

As oh...

OK, Chris, how many?

I think I've got a six.

OK, Jon, how many?

I think I've got a six.

Sean, how many?
I've got a six.

Harriet, how many?
Is ASO a word?

LAUGHTER

Can we take them off now,
or should we keep them on?

Nah. Keep them on for a bit.

You're so powerful, aren't you,
Jimmy? Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Do you have a blindfold on, Jimmy?

Sometimes, yeah.

OK, no, you can take your
blindfolds off if you want.

Sean, how many?
Six. PUSHED.

Is there a U in PUSHED, do you
think? No, there's no U.

I thought there was a U came up.

PUSHED, OK. Jon, your six?

SPARED. SPARED.

Chris, what'd you get?

I had SHAPED, is that up there?

SUSIE: Yeah. Ey.

HARRIET: I'm sorry I did badly.
Do you want another gift?

You did really badly.

LAUGHTER

All right. Oh, I wonder what this
is. Yeah.

I bet you can't guess! It's...

..a 2 for 1 travel together
railcard!

You can go anywhere,
but only with me.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This will last for how long?

Er, a year. Right.

Certainly outlive the friendship.

LAUGHTER

Er, Nick, Susie,
could they have done any better?

Yeah, they could have had a nine.

A nine? Yeah.
What was the nine?

It was RHAPSODES.

It's "rhap" with an H, and
it's people who deliver rhapsodies,

who used in Ancient Greece to
deliver epic poems and things.

Oh, people like Nick Helm.

APPLAUSE

Er, before we go on, Nick,
how's your week been?

Anything special happened
this last week?

Oh, yeah, it was my birthday.

Aww. It was your birthday?
Yeah.

Well, you know that
we love you on the show,

so we thought we'd get you some
treats. Bring in the treats.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Happy birthday to ya

# Happy birthday to ya

# Happy birthday
Happy birthday to ya

# Happy birthday to ya

# Happy birthday... #

LOUD POP

Hang on, whoa, whoa,
cut the music, cut the music.

Cut the music,
I'll very quickly explain.

Chris, we just shot Nick Helm.

LAUGHTER

It's your birthday, and we
thought we'd celebrate, so we got
you some...

I know you like strong cider.
I didn't think you'd want a cake,

I got you a kebab with a sparkler
in it. Sure, thank you.

And do I get to keep that?

Yeah, you can do whatever
you want with that.

I'm going to take it out
for dinner.

Maybe get it laminated first.

Happy birthday, Nick.

Thank you very much. That's really
nice of you all. No problem at all.

LAUGHTER

OK, so at the end of that,
Harriet and Sean have 13,

Jon and Chris have 19!

APPLAUSE

OK, on with the game.

They've been playing in
teams so far,

but this game is just
for Sean and Chris.

OK, Chris, your turn
to pick the numbers.

Rachel, I'm going to go for

just one big one and the rest
little, please. Lovely.

One big one and
five little ones coming up,

and this time the little ones are...

7,

4, 5,

7, 8,

and the big one,

25.

CHRIS: Cool, I'm good with that.

And the target, 427.

OK your time starts now.

OK so the target was 427.
Chris, did you get it?

I think I might have 426.

OK, Sean did you get it? No.

Chris 426?

Right, it was 25... Yeah.

And I timesed that by 17,

and I think I got the 17 by doing...

8 + 5

+ 4, was it?

8 + 5 + 4

There you go, that was 17.
I timesed it together,

I did 7 ÷ 7 = 1
and I stuck it on.

Oh, well, seven points to Chris.
Well done.

APPLAUSE

Um, Rachel? Yes? Could it be done?
If you say...

8 x 7 = 56

+ 5 = 61

x 7

= 427.

APPLAUSE

Time now to go across to
Dictionary Corner once again.

Nick Helm, what have you got for us?

OK, well, I think that we
established without any doubt

in our minds that
I haven't read any books,

but I have written this.

MUSIC PLAYS

# This is just a list of films

# Just a list of basic films

# This is just a list of films

# Just a list of basic films

# Silence Of The Lambs
Best Laid Plans

# Tommy Boy, X-Files
Idle Hands

# The Taking of Pelham 123

# Flash Dance, Foot Loose
Despicable Me

# Indiana Jones and all of the Bonds

# Kill Bill, Braveheart
Legally Blonde

# Eight Harry Potters
and his magic wand

# The MCU, Star Trek Beyond

# Casablanca, The Wizard Of Oz

# Jurassic Park and fucking Jaws

# Gone With The Wind
It's A Wonderful Life

# Commando, Rambo
The Bishop's Wife

# Cat In The Hat
Snakes On A Plane

# Aliens, Spaceballs
Singing In The Rain

# Vertigo
The Man Who Knew Too Much

# Zoolander, Starsky
Starsky And Hutch

# Ocean's Eleven
Far From Heaven

# Punch-Drunk Love
Police Academy 7

# Red Joan
Black Swan

# Children Of The Corn
Gone Baby Gone

# Fruitvale Station
Lost In Translation

# 101 and 2 Dalmatians

# Romancing The Stone
Jewel Of The Nile

# Bio-Dome
Mona Lisa Smile

# Evil Dead
Drop Dead Fred

# Halloween 5 and Waking Ned

# Sleeping,
Black, American Beauty,

# A little-known Indian film
called Julie

# Thor, Saw, Above The Law

# Avatar, Fight Club, Death Wish 4

# Schindler's List
The Exorcist

# American Graffiti
and The fucking Mist

# Cool Runnings, Cool Runnings
Cool Runnings

Everybody!

# Cool Runnings, Cool Runnings

AUDIENCE SINGS:
Cool Runnings, Cool Runnings

Put your hands up!
# Cool Runnings

# Cool Runnings, Cool Runnings

Keep going!

# Cool Runnings, Cool Runnings
Cool Runnings

Sing it louder!

# This is just a list of films

# Just a list of basic films

# This is just a list of films

# Just a list, a list of films

# Rocky I, II, III, VI, V
Balboa

# Spinal Tap, Mighty Wind
Best In Show

# The Lawnmower Man
with his little lawnmower

# Chris Tucker, Jackie Chan
in Rush Hour

# Grease, Fame
Gerald's Game

# The Jerk, Three Amigos
Man With Two Brains

# Sleepless In Seattle
When Harry Met Sally

# Pretty In Pink and Paradise Alley

# Starship Troopers
Wuthering Heights

# The Invisible Man
and fucking Boogie Nights

# Back To The Future 3, 2, 1

# All of these films
and she ain't seen none! #

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Nick Helm, everyone!

And here is your teaser.
The words are NEAT PARP,

the clue is - there's no hiding it.

That's NEAT PARP, there's no hiding
it. See you after the break.

APPLAUSE

Welcome back. The answer to teaser -
the words were NEAT PARP.

The clue was - there's no hiding it.

It was, of course, APPARENT.

OK before we get on,
he's not on the show any more

but he turns up anyway -
it's Joe Wilkinson, everyone.

CHEERING

Are you, er...

You all right, Joe?

All right, Jimmy?
Ohh, sorry that took a while.

I got bloody shin splints.

I don't know if you've noticed,

but I've had a bit of a growth
spurt, the last couple of weeks,

I've gone up about 50 foot
from the knees down.

I guess that's what happens when you
hit your 40s, you know,

but c'est la vie.

Oh, yeah I tell you what I'm gonna
do, Jimmy, cos I'm quite high up,

I'm gonna turn my headcam on

cos I thought you might still
wanna see my face?

LAUGHTER

Oh, I see, yeah. Hello.

Hello, Jimmy, it's nice up here.

There's lots of, er,
lots of dead pigeons,

which is nice, look,
there he is.

There's loads of 'em.

Someone needs to do a bit of
dusting.

Honestly, hoover it out once
in a while, guys.

Oh, hello, I'm in here,
yes, there's a piece of quiche.

Look at that, yeah, a bit of quiche.

There's a bit of bird muck on it
but...

Oh, hello, Jimmy?

Yeah. Do you remember we lost that
lighting guy a couple of years ago?

Yeah?

Roger, we lost him a couple of...
I think I've found him.

Any idea what this switch does?

Hold on. I'm gonna give it go.

EQUIPMENT POWERS DOWN

Ah, yeah, I think I've realised what
it's done, Jimmy.

I think it's turned
the lights off. Hold on. Sorry.

Can you turn them back on?

I'm trying to find the bloody
switch, mate!

Is that it? No, that's not the one.
ALARM BLARES

No.

That's the pissing alarm. Hold on.

DOORBELL RINGS

There's a doorbell.
Why the fuck's there a doorbell?

Hold on, got it here, here we go.

PING!
There's a microwave,

Why would they put a microwave...?

EQUIPMENT POWERS UP

Oh, here we go, here we go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Joe?

Joe, what's, er,
what's going on there?

Oh.

Ah, I think in the, er...
in the excitement my plums fell out.

There's a bit of a gust in here.

Mate, mate, you should probably
go before Susie latches on.

Yeah, actually I'd better head off
that quiche has gone off, I think.

Oh, Christ, right, I'm gonna need
the lav, it's starting to come out.

Right, I'll see ya later.

Let's play Countdown!

OK, on with the game. Jon, Chris,
your turn to choose the letters.

Consonant, please, Rachel.

P

And a vowel.

O

And a consonant, please.

V

We'll have another vowel, please.

A

And another, er, consonant, please.

R

A consonant, please.

T

Er, consonant, please.

S

And another consonant, please.

M

And a vowel, please.

And the last one...

U

And your time starts now.

Oh, lovely.

There. Lovely.

Oh, shit.

Oh, kids, don't
put your hands on a waffle iron

because it didn't really work.

Waffles, please.

Thanks, Fabio.

Can I make you a waffle, sir?

Is this is like real food?

Vegan or non-vegan? I don't know.
How are you gonna eat them now?

You're allergic to everything,
aren't you? I've got a flag.

You got a flag, I think
it means vegan or...?

Oh, I see what you mean, yours
has got a flag in it?

I'm sorry, I was just pointing
that...

She can't eat it -
just her a flag.

Ah, Jon, how many?

A seven.

A seven? OK, how many Chris?

Do you know what? I can't believe
I'm gonna say this out loud -

I think I've got a seven?

Sean, how many? Six. Ah, Harriet,
how many? Five.

All right, what's your five?
STORM. OK, Sean?

SPROUT

Er, Chris?

I think I've got VAPOURS.

You have.

Get in there. VAPOURS!

Er, Jon what's yours?

I've got VAPOURS as well.

Well, 7 points to Jon and Chris.

Nick, Susie could
they have done any better?

No. Get in.

What have you
put on your waffle there?

Cream, blueberries, strawberries.

What are these little
spongey things?

Oh, that was when the confetti
kind of went off before.

They're marshmallows.

Are they?

OK, so the end of that, Jon and
Chris are in the lead with 33.

And here's your final teaser.

The words are LUBE ROBS.

The clue is - these are big and
heavy.

That's LUBE ROBS. These are big
and heavy. See you after the break.

Welcome back. The answer to the
teaser - the words were LUBE RODS.

The clue was -
these are big and heavy.

It was, of course, BOULDERS.

OK, time for our final letters game.
Sean, Harriet, your turn to choose.

Could I have a vowel please, Rachel?

Of course, you can Sean. E.

Thank you, and
I'll have a consonant.

N

And then a vowel.

A

And then a consonant.

L

Vowel, please.

I

Consonant.

R

Consonant.

D

Consonant.

N

Consonant.

And...

Z

OK, your 30 seconds starts now.

COUNTDOWN MUSIC AND CLOCK

APPLAUSE

MUSIC COMES UP: # I'm every woman

# It's all in me... #

APPLAUSE

OK, all right, Sean, how many?

Six. Six? OK, Harriet?

Five.

Ah, Jon, how many?

Seven. Ooh!

Just a six, mate.

Just a six? I think, yeah.

OK, Harriet, your five.

LEARN

Sean, your six.

LIZARD

Chris?

I've got LAZIER.

Jon, your seven?

Well, you know how you can
be manlier than someone else?

Oh, yeah. If specifically you want
to be like a man called Dan,

you can be DANLIER.

DANLIER, that should be in there.
Yes.

I'm not even going to look that up.

OK, six points to both teams.

APPLAUSE

Nick, Susie, tell us,
could they have done any better?

They could have had INLANDER for 8.

OK, so Harriet and Sean have 19,

Jon and Chris has 39.

APPLAUSE

OK, fingers on buzzers. It's time
for today's Countdown Conundrum.

How can Chris do this?
How can Chris do this?

Er, Chris, the words are...

I'm gonna start the time
as I tell you this.

The words are BORED WANK.

BORED WANK

B-O-R-E-D W-A-N-K

B-O-R-E-D W-A-N-K

Got it! Got it? Yeah, go on, Chris?

I've not...
I've never had this in my life,

but I've got a feeling
it might be BREAKDOWN.

He's only gone and bloody gone it!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Oh, yes.

Come on, Chris!

So, the final scores are...

Harriet and Sean have 19,
Jon and Chris have 49.

So, congratulations, Jon and Chris,
you're now the proud owners of this,

the Countdown American Football Kit.

CHEERING

Thanks to all our panellists,
our wonderful studio audience

and to all of you for watching at
home. That's it from us. Goodnight.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media