8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012–…): Season 18, Episode 3 - full transcript

This programme contains
strong language and adult humour.

{\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats
Does Countdown...

..Jon Richardson...

..Sean Lock...

..Sara Pascoe...

..Joe Wilkinson...

..Sam Simmons...

..Susie Dent...

..Rachel Riley...

..and your host, Jimmy Carr!



Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10
Cats Does Countdown.

You're probably thinking to
yourself, "Is this a new one

"or is this a repeat?" Well, it's
a new one, unless, of course,

you're watching a repeat, in which
case, yeah, it's a repeat.

OK, let's meet tonight's players.

First up, its team captain,
Sean Lock.

{\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sean Lock is 55, which means,
if he was a woman,

Countdown would have replaced him
twice by now.

LAUGHTER
Right, sisters?

I don't understand.

No, because YOU don't have to.

{\an1}LAUGHTER

That's not a feminist thing.



What's, er... What's
the woman's one, then?

There isn't one.
What's your salute? Is it that?

What's that one? It's that now.
Sean's invented it.

It's that one. Come on, women!

"Come on, women!" I don't think is
a slogan we're going to be using.

{\an1}APPLAUSE

And Sean's team-mate,
Joe Wilkinson.

{\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Joe Wilkinson, he puts the Wilkinson
into the phrase,

"Is that Joe Wilkinson taking a shit
in the middle of the road?"

That'll be me.

Up against them this evening,
it's team captain Jon Richardson.

{\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Jon is a vegan,
but what exactly does that mean?

Well, it means
he's boring to talk to.

{\an1}LAUGHTER

That's not veganism's fault...

..just in veganism's defence.

I'm 90% vegan.

90%? What's the one thing
that keeps you from being vegan?

Oh, absolutely foie gras.

{\an1}LAUGHTER

Oh, God, with a nice milky coffee
and some cheese.

Why wouldn't you want to eat cheese?
Oh, the udders

and the cows and the puss
and the huge swollen...

No, just have the cheese bit.

{\an1}APPLAUSE

And joining Jon tonight,
it's Sara Pascoe.

{\an1}CHEERING

I've done well.

Sara is a vegan feminist.

Basically, she hates sausages.

I've never thought of it
that way before.

Sara, you recently went to
Australia. How did you find it?

I'm so lucky. I went there for work
and they flew me business class.

Ooh. And I assume you've
been in business class before.

Joe, have you been
in business class?

It's like the top deck of the bus.

It's much better than everything.
It's magical.

They don't do a safety announcement
in business class.

Somebody just hands you a glass
of champagne and says,

"Your money will save you."

The scary thing about flying,

the horrible thing, you know,
is the turbulence.

In business class, you've got
a little bed with a blanket

and the turbulence just
rocks you to sleep

and, then, every couple of hours,
the most beautiful woman

you've ever seen or smelled,
she comes over, all right,

she strokes your hair,
she says, "Are you hungry?"

"Yeah. Ah."

And then she feeds you
from her breast

and it tastes like Snapple
and it's the best.

So, to answer your question,
I had a lovely time.

OK. Jon, when did you last feel
proud, proud of yourself?

I'll tell you, on the train today,

I got a lovely compliment,
on the train up here.

I walked under the sign and it said,
"First-class rear, standard front."

{\an1}LAUGHTER

I'll take that.

Yeah.

Sean, is there anyone
you'd like to apologise to? Yeah.

The life-drawing class.

My thrush was playing up that day

{\an1}AUDIENCE GROANS

..and I had to change posture
a number of times.

And I was only really comfortable
with the one

that was facing the draft.

But most of all, I'd like
to apologise to my kids.

Sorry to Dandelion Moonflower...

{\an1}LAUGHTER

..Pritt Stick...

..and Ian.

Joe, has anything annoyed
you lately?

Yeah, a few things.

If they don't want you to drink
the liquid in a lava lamp,

why do they make it look so tasty?

And, well, basically, I had to get
a passport recently as well

and I had to get a passport photo.

I thought I looked really nice
in it, but with these new rules

and regulations, they wouldn't
let me use it, so...

Do you have it with you? Yeah, yeah.

It was that.

{\an1}LAUGHTER

Those sorts of pictures
only come once in a lifetime.

Jon, have you got a mascot?
Well, now everyone's had enough

of James Dyson, there's a gap
in the market

for a British entrepreneur
in the cleaning department,

so I've invented a new...

..a revolutionary new product
in the fight against filth

and I present to you the...

..Swiss Army broom.

{\an1}BUZZER

There we go. It comes with
its own buzzer.

It's fucking good at conundrums,
I'll tell you that.

So, you've obviously got your basic
broom for your basic brooming,

a bit of... cleaning up there.

Aerial, so you can
put a bit of Magic on.

But when you've finished
your brooming,

obviously, you might have, erm,
spilt a bit,

so it comes with a mop.
There's your mop attachment there.

There's your duster there,
which is for dusting as well,

but if you're kinky,
have a bit of a tickle.

Clean together, that's what
I'm saying, Don't make it

a solo activity.
This is your grabber

for picking up smaller items.

Pinch a boob with it,
if you're kinky.

I mean, basically, if you're kinky,
anything can go anywhere, can't it?

Just shove it up there.

This is a picture of Roger Federer.

just to get it by the Swiss...

{\an1}LAUGHTER

..legally.

{\an1}APPLAUSE

That's a tableau there with what
days your recycling goes out

and your bins there.

They send everyone one of these,

so, you know, do stick it somewhere,
on the fridge,

not in a drawer where we're never
going to find it again!

And, finally, just in case
you might get burgled

while you're doing your cleaning,
big knives.

{\an1}APPLAUSE

Sara, have you got a mascot?
Yeah. What have you got?

Well, I had a big think
about... cos on this show,

I've been very bad. Yes.
And reflecting back at school,

I wasn't bad at maths.
I was trying to think,

"What's the difference between
when I was at school and here, now?"

and the main difference is that
I used to sit behind a boy

that I really liked
called Wesley Galvin.

He had such a nice head shape
and such beautiful ear lobes,

I think it really kind of powered me
on, inspired me.

So, he's here and I'm going
to just sit behind him

and look at the board,
to see if it helps me.

Is he here? Yeah, he's here.
Wesley! Hi, Wesley.

If you just want to sit down there.

He's lovely.

Was he in your year at school?
Yeah, he's had a lot of work done.

LAUGHTER
So, I think this is really going

to help me and, then, if you just
come out for the maths rounds, Wes,

and, then, maybe we could go
for a drink afterwards.

There's a little bar
just right next door and...

..a couple of wines,
back over the...

Do you remember Miss Eaton?

Round of applause for Wesley!

{\an1}APPLAUSE

There's a lot of tension between us.

He really smells of Lynx,
doesn't he?

That's how I like 'em, boy.

Sean, have you got a mascot?

Do you know what I've realised,
right?

This day and age,
everyone's on the internet.

Neeowww. Right?

Neeowww! Like a motorbike,
isn't it, the internet?

{\an1}IMITATES MOTORBIKE

Erm... you go into your local
newsagents and there is just...

I mean, you go to,
I won't say the full name,

W... Smith's, right...
LAUGHTER

..or somewhere like that,
they've got hundreds of magazines

and I was thinking to myself,
"They're really specialised."

There's money to be made out there,
so I've invested money

in a little... I've bought
a little publishing company

and I've got a roster of magazines
that I'm... Lovely. ..producing.

This is... And it's incredibly
lucrative.

I didn't realise just how much
money there is in magazines.

It's quite a long build-up,
isn't it?

It better be funny!

Well, that's probably
why I'm taking so long cos

I'm feeling a bit cocky.

Feeling A Bit Cocky is probably
one of the magazines, is it?

LAUGHTER
You can't help it, can you?

It's a gift. It's a gift.

Anyway, so, the first one is
The Wall Magazine and that's just

about bricklaying and that
comes with a free brick.

If you collect all of the issues...

LAUGHTER
..you can build your own wall.

This next magazine is very popular
cos there's a lot of these out there

and there wasn't a publication
for them.

It's called The Lapsed Catholic.
There we are.

{\an1}LAUGHTER

And there's an interview...

..with Johnny Vegas, erm,
Roberto Baggio,

Tom Cruise, Lady Gaga,

and, mostly, it's a directory for

drugs, booze and sex, to be honest.

But a popular publication.

Now, this magazine has been
a massive hit, right?

It's Busty Foster Mums.

{\an1}LAUGHTER

You can have that on lower shelves.

You could have that on the lowest
shelf cos there's no nudity

or anything in it, it's just lovely
mums you'd like to foster you.

And, then, I thought, you know
there's those trends for magazines,

those celebrity magazines, where
they point our flaws in celebrities?

You know, they sort of point out
cellulite

and stuff like that
for celebrities.

I thought, "Let's do that
but with ordinary women," so...

{\an1}LAUGHTER

..I've created...

{\an1}APPLAUSE

..Look At The State Of Her Magazine.

Real women, shamed.

Sean's magazines, everyone.

Joe, have you got a mascot?
Erm, yeah. I don't know about you,

but I'm fed up

with the same old pinatas,

aren't you?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

Fed up with it.

So, I've come up with
my own range of pinatas.

I've bought a few with me.

This first one is...

..is my Rachel Riley pinata.

{\an1}LAUGHTER

Having a few cans
and she's thrown up.

Erm... and rather than do the old
boring sweets inside the pinata,

I decided to put something inside
that the kids can whack out,

something more relevant,
so, in this one...

..it's a load of marijuana joints.

{\an1}LAUGHTER

More relevant to Rachel.

The next one is...

..Susie Dent.

As you can see, she's holding
a bicycle chain,

which is her pub-fight
weapon of choice.

And inside is...

..a dictionary.

But in good...
In Susie Dent fashion,

it's hiding a knuckle duster.

This one's you, Jimmy.

The hair comes off, like yours...
LAUGHTER

..like the real thing.

And inside is simply some...

..teeth-whitening gel for horses.

{\an1}LAUGHTER

Sean, here's Sean.

You see he's got
the traditional middle finger.

Hey!

Inside Sean, there's
a load of little toys

and trumpets and so on,
the things that bring you joy,

but they're all broken.

And finally is a Jon pinata.

{\an1}LAUGHTER

OK. Over in Dictionary Corner,
it's Sam Simmons!

{\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sam has a very unique look.
I like to call it

"fire alarm halfway
through a haircut."

If I do that?

{\an1}LAUGHTER

Oh, that helps.

What do you like about the UK, Sam?

Tesco's.

Any of the self-service
checkout places are really good

cos what I like to do is,
just before you're about to pay,

I'll lean down into the scanner

and sometimes just give it
a little kiss, just go...

..or I'll just say something
like, something fun,

like, "Beach people," so I'll just
lean down to the scanner and go,

"Beach people," hoping that someone
next to me will go,

"Hey, why are doing that?"

and I'll go, "Oh, you get
25% off," and then...

..I'll leave them with
that information. It's fun.

{\an1}LAUGHTER

And with Sam, of course,
it's Susie Dent!

{\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Susie Dent has written 14 books.
Will she ever run out of ideas?

Yes, after the second one.

Susie, have you and Rachel
ever gone on holiday together?

Yeah, we went to Dublin
and we had a really good weekend.

Yeah. Cut a long story short,
at the end of the night,

we were looking for a late-night
chemist, as you do...

{\an1}LAUGHTER

So, we went in, couldn't find what
we wanted on the shelves,

so went up to the counter
and what we were looking for,

I was looking for, was a hot water
bottle cos it was really,

really cold, and there was no hot
water bottles on the shelves.

So, I said, "Do you happen to have
a hot water bottle?"

to the pharmacist and he said,
"Yeah, I do," and he leant down

behind the counter and got out
this massive long hot-water bottle,

that I guess is like a bolster
that you kind of put it next to you.

And Rachel just looked at me
and she said,

"Yeah, Susie likes a long one."
LAUGHTER

And that was it, really.
That kind of summed up everything.

But we had a... We had a hot night.
A warm night!

{\an1}APPLAUSE

And in charge of the numbers,
it's Rachel Riley!

{\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, despite what you might think,
Rachel's job isn't just

putting vowels and consonants
on a board.

She also has to take them
down again.

How's your Russian coming along?

Well, I've been once
and I tested it out

and they understood me mostly,
but I did get in a taxi

and asked the driver to take me
on a cruise on the fish,

instead of on the river cos
"reka", "reba", very close.

I have been very careful
not to mistake blow job

and minutes cos they're
very similar. What, sorry?

Minutes is "minut" and blow job's
"minet". Don't get those confused.

It sounds like your Russian's
going great.

OK, the prize the teams will be
competing for tonight is this -

the Countdown baseball set.

{\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come on, Fabio. You can do this.

OK, let's Countdown, everyone.

Time for the first game. Sean, Joe,
you get the pick of the letters.

{\an1}SEAN TALKS NONSENSE

..please? Yeah.

"Judip-car."

E

"Drip-dorso."

T

"Juduth."

S

"Ul."

O

"Swishem."

R

"Um."

E

"Guzup."

F

"Hol."

And a final... I.

OK. And for the first time today,
here's the Countdown Clock.

{\an7}LAUGHTER

{\an4}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

{\an5}Bullshit.

{\an5}Sean, how many?

{\an5}I've only got six. Joe, how many?

{\an5}Seven.

{\an5}AUDIENCE: Oooh!

{\an5}Seven?! You got seven?

{\an5}No, I got four. Four. OK.

{\an5}Sara, how many have you got?

{\an5}Six. Six? OK. And Jon?

{\an5}Seven, I think.

{\an5}AUDIENCE: Oooh!

{\an5}I mean, it's not a panto.

{\an4}LAUGHTER

{\an5}Joe, what's your four? TENS.

{\an5}TENS?

TENS, more than one...

{\an5}..ten.

Sean, your six?

{\an5}FRONTS

{\an5}Oh, lovely!

{\an5}OK, Sara, your six.

{\an5}Mine's FEINTS, with an E.

{\an5}FEINTS with an E? Like in boxing.

{\an5}And Jon, your seven? For the points.

{\an5}FORTIES

{\an5}Oh! Nice.

Like my TENS.
LAUGHTER

OK, seven points to Jon.

{\an1}APPLAUSE

Good old Jon. Good old Jon.

Could they have done any better?

You can have SOFTENER for eight.

Oh, lovely. That's nice.

Is that as good as it gets, Susie?
It was the best, yeah.

OK, onto our first numbers round.
Sara, your turn to pick the numbers.

Does that mean I can get my Wesley?
Yeah, you can get your Wesley.

Wesley! Can you come back?

Can I ask, was Wesley a bully?
It might hinder me.

No, no, he's really nice.
He's 40 but not in a bad way.

Could you just point out
for the viewers at home as well

that his stool is higher
than my chair?

Just out of interest, he's grown
a proper beard as well, hasn't he?

Yes.

I wouldn't say it's a proper beard.

{\an1}APPLAUSE

OK, so, we're picking the numbers,
are we? Yes.

We'll go norm, please. Norm.

One big?
50 or 100 would be dynamite!

Not a 75. I'm out if it's a 75!

5, 9, 10, 2, 4...
Oh, cock and balls! Lovely!

517.

OK, 517 is your target
and your time starts now.

{\an8}Christ alive.

{\an8}Urgh.

{\an8}That's quite close.

So, the target was 517.
Sara, did you get it? No.

Did you get distracted by that young
man? There is a smell of Lynx, yes.

Jon was right.
What did you get? How close?

Oh, I just wrote
all the numbers down.

I tell you what,
he's done it for me, though.

Turns out a man you went to school
with behind me really rocks me off.

Did he help you? That's good, then.

Did you get it? No.

Yes. You did? OK, you got it.
Joe, did you get it?

I think I got it, yeah.

No, no, did you get 517 from the
numbers? I got 517, yeah.

Sean, did you get it? No, I got 516.

OK, Joe, how did you get it?

4+2 is 6, times 75 is 525.

Is it? OK, I'm out.

John.

9-2 is 7. Times 75. 525.

10 over 5 is 2. Yeah.

Multiplied by four.

Hold on, 10 over 5,
what do you mean?

And then take it...
What the fuck is 10 over 5?

10 divided by 5. 10 over 5.
Well, say that!

You're not allowed to divide things.

I thought you could either
add them...

And you could do times, I didn't
realise we were on dividing yet.

I didn't think...

We haven't done division! Exactly!

I only even did that because
I didn't want to play my joker.

Which is what? You know,
the joker, you can have any number.

What? You can just swap any number.
Can you?

Yeah, so if you'd have played
your joker you could have turned

the two into seven
and you have got it.

What?!
And the other thing is...

What's worth mentioning,
nines are wild in Countdown.

Joe, it's a carve up stitch up,
they don't want us to win.

It doesn't suit their agenda.

It's very convenient.

Oh, give them the fucking points.
Yeah!

OK, that's 10 points to Jon!

Thank you very much.

{\an5}And here is your teaser.
The words are cage nips.

{\an5}The clue is get them out.
That's cage nips. Get them out.

{\an5}See you after the break.

{\an5}Welcome back.

{\an5}The answer to the teaser.
The words were CAGE NIPS,

{\an5}the clue was, get them out.

{\an5}It was, of course, ESCAPING.

So, Jon and Sara are in the lead.

Sean, what are you...
What are you reading?

Oh, it's just another one of these
magazines I've got

out at the moment.

What's the, what's the magazine?

Well, you know there's a lot
of consumer magazines out there.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. Well, it's hard to
know sometimes

which is the right consumer
magazine for you.

So, I've created
What Which? Magazine.

{\an1}AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I've just got a growing empire.

This is Tim Magazine.

It's just stuff about Tims.

Err, any Tim you could think of.

I would have said it had been
a quiet year for Henman,

but he's still won TIM of the Year.

Yeah, yeah, and he's...

Who was he up against this year?
Out of interest.

Another Tim.

Who was it, who came second in that?
Mallet. Brook Taylor?

Timmy Mallet was in there.
There was Tim,

well, it's a bit of a cheat,
we got Justin Timberlake.

And then the final magazine.

Now, there's money in porn.
We all know that.

And I thought to myself, I want
to provide a service which

isn't provided for.
So, I created this magazine,

and it's called Red Hot Sex.

It's basically, it's people
with the flu have sex.

I mean, look at the state of him.

He has to... to do a whole coach
load of, of sick nannas.

I didn't think you were going
there with it.

So, you know, it's people
with the flu having sex.

What can be more fun that that?

And you managed to get
Novak Djokovic. Yeah.

Well, he's a dirty bastard.

Sean's magazines, everyone.
Sean's magazines.

{\an1}AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS

OK, they've been playing in teams
so far,

but this game is just for Jon
and Joe. Oh, crap.

Jon, your turn to choose.

Joe, your turn to lose. OK.

I'll have a consonant, please.

And a vowel, please.

And a consonant, please.

And a vowel, please.

And a consonant, please.

And a vowel, please.

And a consonant, please.

And a consonant, please.

What was it? D.

Oh, I love D. And, a final...

{\an1}AUDIENCE LAUGHS

..and a final vowel, please.

{\an5}OK, and your time starts

{\an5}now.

{\an5}Susie, Rachel, are you hungry?

{\an5}Hang on.

{\an5}Oh.

{\an5}OK, I mean...

{\an5}OK, OK.

{\an4}AUDIENCE CHEERS

{\an5}Jon, are you... are you hungry?

{\an5}Go on, then. OK.

{\an5}AUDIENCE: Aw!

AUDIENCE: Yay!

{\an5}Jon, how many letters?

{\an5}Seven.

{\an5}Joe, how many letters? Yes, seven.

{\an5}Jon, what's your seven?

{\an5}UNLOVED. Aw.

{\an5}What one did you get?

{\an5}UNRAVEL. Uhmm.

How did I get it? I was told.

Who told you?

Your brain told you.

That's how it works.

Well, you, yeah,
after you wrote it there.

We need points, Joe.
Don't blow them.

We still get it.

Seven points to both teams.

Dictionary Corner,
could they have done any better?

Er, UNLOADER, and Overland.
Yeah.

So, at the end of that,
Sean and Joe have seven,

Jon and Sara have 24.

Right, so. Now time for Sean
and Sara to go head-to-head.

Sean, your turn to pick the numbers.

OK. Yes. I would like one big one,

and five little 'uns.

They are...

OK, so your target is 555. 555.

Easy to remember, if you like 5s.

{\an5}Your time starts

{\an5}now.

{\an5}Just keep adding.

{\an5}Just keep adding.

{\an5}Did you get it, Sean?

{\an5}No.

{\an5}Yeah, I did. Yeah, yeah, of
course I did. You got it? OK.

{\an5}Sara, did you get it? No.

{\an5}Yeah, we're back in this.

Yeah, you're back in it.

Sean, talk me through it.

How did you get it?
How did I get it? 7 times 75.

7 times 75 is 525.

3 times seven is...

3 times the other 7 is 21.

Yeah, add it on.

546.

And, what happens if you
put a 9 on that?

555.

10 points to Sean.

OK, time to go across now to
Dictionary Corner.

Sam, what have you got for us?

I have some impressions that I've
worked pretty hard on, so.

Oh, I said hard on.

OK, let's, let's go,

let's go with this first one.

All right, let's...
I've really tried.

VOICEOVER: This is an impression of
a man who confused

going on a trip to Lego Land

with a leg of lamb.

Aw.

This is an impression of a man
pretending

to be a little old Italian nonna

who doesn't know the English word
for pasta colander, or strainer.

ITALIAN ACCENT: You know the thing
that's got all the holes in it,

I don't know the word, the English
word, it's got many holes,

you put the pasta, and the pasta
goes in, the water come away,

you know, like where the spaghetti
stay, the water go bye.

This is an impression of a man
who is secretly threatened

by his own sexuality whilst trying
to order a croissant in a cafe.

Yeah, mate, just gis us one of those
fucking buttery, flaky fuckers.

I don't know what you call it.

You know, those
fucking French stuff,

I'm not going to say
the word for it,

just make sure it's fucking
melt in the mouth. Ah, shit!

This is the same man trying to
order a bowl of soup.

Yeah, mate just give us a bowl of
that fucking hot, wet shit.

Yeah, that one over there,
I don't care how hot it is,

I'm just going to chuck it at my
head. I'll get some in me cake.

What flavours have you guys got?

Oh, look, you've got a volute of
pumpkin! Oh, shit.

Here's that very same man

violently chewing an apple in an
over compensating fashion

just in case anyone thought

he may have any shred
of femininity whatsoever.

Now, the trick to eating an apple
is you just attack the apple

violently like it's an enemy,
you just go at it like a man, like.

{\an1}MUFFLED SHOUTING

Sam Simmons, everyone.

The scores at the moment,
Sean and Joe have 17,

Jon and Sara have 24.

{\an5}And here is your teaser.

{\an5}The words are SHOW PORK, the clue
is, make sure you've got wood.

That's SHOW PORK,
make sure you've got wood.

See you after the break.

{\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

{\an4}Welcome back. The answer to the
teaser. The words were SHOW PORK.

{\an5}The clue was,
make sure you've got wood.

{\an5}It was, of course, WORKSHOP.

Time for another letters round.

Rachel, how many of these
have you done? 20,000, I think.

I've had my ten-year
anniversary now. So...

Ten years of shows?
Well, let's celebrate.

MUSIC: Celebration
by Kool & The Gang

# There's a party
goin' on right here

# A celebration to last
throughout the years... #

Oh, wow.

# So bring your good times,
and your laughter too

# We gonna celebrate
your party with you

# Come on now... #

{\an1}CHEERING

Rachel Riley, maths genius.

Let's have a look at some of your
best bits from the last ten years.

Er, Rachel, could it be done?

Er, leave it with me.

What? Sorry? Leave it with me. OK.

Can I remind everyone -
that is Rachel's only job, so...

{\an1}AUDIENCE LAUGHS

{\an1}Rachel, could it be done? Um...
COUNTING TO HERSELF

4 x 25 = 100

x 5 = 500

- 75 = 425

Hold on. 4 x 25 = 100.

Sorry, I-I was dithering then.
Oh, sorry.

Wowsers, I thought you
were the smart one.

I just stopped listening. OK, er...

Oh! OK. Sorry.

{\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

{\an5}Why's there a five and a four
coming out?

A bit more exciting for me.
If numbers...

{\an1}CHEERING

Ten years on Countdown,
Rachel Riley, everyone.

{\an1}CHEERING

Just before we go on.

Susie, out of interest, how many
years have you been on the show?

27.

27 years?

{\an1}PARP!

{\an1}POP!

We'll carry on with the game.

{\an1}APPLAUSE

Sean and Joe, your turn
to choose the letters.

Could I have a consonant, please?

Yes, you can, Joe.

S

Another one, please.

B

A vowel.

I

Consonant, please.

T

An H. Er...

A... consonant please.

Why do you want an H?

Er, wanted to spell SHIT. Ah.

A consonant, please.

C

Consonant, please, until I get an H.

S

Consonant, please.

Now don't be silly.

I'm afraid of the...
Don't spoil the game.

We're going to need
some vowels now. Vowel.

There's rules and stuff.
We can win this, Joe.

Can we? U and E.

{\an5}OK, and your time starts...

{\an5}..now.

{\an5}Sara, how many letters? Six.

{\an5}Six. Jon, how many letters?

{\an5}Er, Seven.

{\an5}Joe, how many letters?

{\an5}Three.

{\an5}Well done.

{\an5}Sean, how many letters? Six.

{\an5}Six? OK, Joe, what
is your three-letter word?

{\an5}SIT

{\an5}Sean, your six?

{\an5}TRIBES. TRIBES? Sara?

{\an5}So, the thing is,
I've got a six I trust,

{\an5}I've got an eight I don't trust.

{\an5}Go for the eight. Do you reckon?

{\an5}A bit of excitement.
OK, Jon. what was your seven?

{\an5}Well, you should have got this
after your magazines.

{\an5}BUSTIER

{\an5}SARA: Lovely.
Dirty little... Urgh!

{\an5}JOE: Is that where your mind goes?

{\an5}Sara your eight, your risky eight.

{\an5}My risky eight,

{\an5}I wrote CRUSTIES, like old people.

Is it in there, Susie?

It is.

{\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I got it!

CRUSTIES.

OK, Sam, Susie,
could they have done any better?

Yeah, ric... RICTUSES.

Yes, rictus grin.

What is RICTUSES?

You can have a rictus grimace.

Look at Jimmy -
it's the kind of fixed grin.

OK, so eight points to Sara.

Whoo!
CHEERING

OK, time to go once again
to Dictionary Corner.

Sam Simmons,
what have you got for us?

So, it's a karaoke song about a song
you'd know about fingers.

That make sense? Let's go.

{\an1}IN THE STYLE OF: Life On Mars
by David Bowie

# They're for feeling
the things you want

# Getting service in a restaurant

# Or high-fiving
this guy right here... #

Yeah.

# Or scratching your itchy ear

# They're for hailing a taxi cab

# Or for picking an elbow scab

# Or touching a random man
here on the head

# Randomly touching men with my

# FINGERS

# Pointing at a seagull... #

Go away.

# FINGERS

# Help you eat a sausage roll

# But mine can't play guitar

# Why can't you play
the guita-a-a-a-a-a-ar?!

# They can pull apart chicken wings

# Point at pictures of old Beijing

# You can use them to pat a cat

# Or for pinching your belly fat

# Place a pancake on rabbits' heads

# Oh, here's some Irish soda bread

# You can use them to wave goodbye

# Stick your fucken finger
in your eye

# I'm sick of pointing out
all the things

# You can do with your fingy-fings

# Like these fingers
with burger rings

# Here's some potatoes

# FINGERS

# Touching other fingers

# FINGERS

# Fingering a finger hole

# These fingers
think they're a horse... #

Stop it.
No, I'm not doing any more.

{\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sam Simmons, everyone.

That was lovely.

And you could also hear,
if you listened closely,

David Bowie turning in his grave.

The scores at the moment -
Sean and Joe have 17,

Jon and Sara have 32.

{\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

{\an5}And here is your final teaser.

{\an5}The words are LUBE KITS.

{\an5}The clue is, the bigger the better.

{\an5}That's LUBE KITS,
the bigger the better.

See you after the break.

{\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome back,
the answer to the teaser -

the words were LUBE KITS,
the clue was the bigger the better.

It was of course BULKIEST.

OK, time for our final
letters game, Jon,

and Sara, your turn to choose
the letters. Please.

Right, thank you very much.
Can I have a consonant please?

Thank you, Sara.

T
Can I have a vowel?

You can have an A.

Can I have two consonants?

N

L

A vowel.

I

Oh, its going to spell tanlight.
A consonant.

P

Another consonant.

S

{\an1}LAUGHTER

Why is this so funny? A vowel.

A

Another consonant please.

And, the last one...

C

{\an1}LAUGHTER

Why is this so funny?

{\an5}OK, your 30 seconds starts now.

{\an5}How many? I got eight.

{\an5}What now? Another eight?

{\an5}Yes. You are killing it.

{\an5}Jon, how many? Eight.

{\an5}Joe? A risky five.

{\an5}A risky five? Yeah. Sean?

{\an5}I've got eight.
OK, Joe, what's your five?

{\an5}Oh, there's one - CLIPS.

{\an5}CLIPS. OK.

{\an5}Sean, what's your eight?

{\an5}CAPITALS.

{\an5}CAPITALS. Very nice.
Sara, what's your eight?

{\an5}CAPTAINS. OK, and Jon?
I also got CAPTAINS.

8 points to both teams.

Pretty good.

Sam, Susie could
they have done any better?

Er, no, eight was
the best that we could do,

as a medical term
APLASTIC as well for eight, meaning,

it's describing the organs that
don't function properly.

OK, so Sean and Joe have 25,
Jon and Sara have 40.

40 wow, pretty good.
Nice scoring.

OK, fingers on buzzers, this time
for today's Countdown Conundrum.

{\an5}And your time starts now.

{\an4}BUZZER

{\an4}BELL

{\an5}Come in.

{\an5}Can I go first? Yeah.

{\an5}I've just seen the word
DRAGON in there. Yeah.

{\an5}You'll kick yourself, cos
the answer's actually PETDRAGON.

{\an5}Oh, well played.

{\an5}I'm going to restart the clock.
Can I get some points for DRAGON?

{\an5}No. We're restarting the clock.

{\an5}I seriously don't get
a point for DRAGON?

{\an5}I would love to help,
but I'm going to restart the clock.

{\an5}I'm out, I only see DRAGON.

{\an5}DANGERTOP.

{\an5}What you put on if you're going on a
risky sort of adventure.

{\an5}It's GODPARENT.
It's what, what was that?

{\an5}GODPARENT.

{\an5}I heard Sara say it.

{\an5}I thought I'd ruin it for her.

{\an5}Let's see if Sara's right.

How are you supposed to see that?

Sara got it,
that means the final scores are Sean

and Joe have 25,
Jon and Sara have 50.

Congratulations, Jon and Sara,
you're now the proud owner of this,

the Countdown Baseball Set.

Thanks to all our panellists, our
wonderful studio audience, and all

of you for watching at home.
That's it from us, goodnight.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media